A/N: Sorry for the long time away! I had writer's block! You see, I have all the pivotal moments planned out (their first date is going to be so cute it's bound to make you sick), but I have always been troubled with just starting a new chapter! I rewrote the introduction to this chapter six, six!, times. This chapter provides insight. Anyways, keep reading, enjoying and reviewing!

I remember that Yhwach had been merciful. Even when his Reishi sword had sought to end my life, I had given him my gratitude. I had silently, to the point of almost nonexistent, thanked him that he had aimed most of his attacks at me, landed his blows on me, tried to kill me. Because I had felt it. When her shield had no longer protected her, when I had jumped in the way so that my body had acted as a barrier between her and death, I had felt it. I had felt the hesitation in his blade, the restriction of power he had used, and the lack of killing intent.

Maybe he'd seen it. Seen what would have happened if he had killed her. Had he seen his defeat? I don't know how, but if he'd taken her life, I know I would have taken his. Even with my broken blade, I would have killed him. Her death is the one thing I couldn't fathom. Couldn't bear. He probably knew that. So he'd toyed with her every chance that he got, knowing that I would try to block any damage that I could until my body had refused to move.

And when he had said that I could despair, I had let myself feel it. A momentary lapse, but when I had to watch as he delivered this burst of darkness, of concentrated energy at her, watch as her shield cracked under the pressure, watch as she was flown back, watch as her body hit rubble and ricocheted against the ground, it was when I had truly taken his words to heart.

But he hadn't finish her, hadn't push me over the edge because although she was hurt, she was alive. And that had been comforting at the time. Despair and all, I had believed I could still fight. Somehow. I had really thought that I could because she was alive, and I couldn't fail.

And then...he'd appeared in front of me. Through my exhaustion, I'd swung the hilt and whatever was left of my blade at him, but he had blocked my arm, and my sword flew somewhere. I didn't see where because he had inflicted an excruciating attack that sent me flying. I couldn't recover in time before he grabbed my head and stated that I had no more fight in me. And then, I just couldn't recover from anything.

He had been right. My sword couldn't touch him. Inoue was near death.

I couldn't fight. She couldn't block. It was over.

And when he'd taken away the Quincy power within me and the hollow power that was mixed with it, it was final. I had failed.

In utter despair, complete hopelessness, there had been one shining salvation in the demise he would cause. One redeeming thing that I clung to at the time, but now remember in complete shame.

In my failure to win, I would die. Everything would just…cease to exist, and I wouldn't…I wouldn't have to live with anything. Not with the guilt, not with the agony, not with anything.

And I wouldn't have to…wouldn't have to see her in pain any longer or see her death. Because seeing someone you cared about die and knowing someone you cared about die was different, and I'd rather die with the knowledge that I had failed, failed her, than see it. In my crippling failure, I had been a bit… relieved.

Despite knowing that we were done, she had tried, injured and writhing in pain, to fix my blade. Restore it instead of herself and that-that just had made me wish that Yhwach would just end everything. And then Renji had came and attacked, and I thought that he shouldn't even bother. To just stop and let that bastard just win because, really, he had already won.

Rukia had been with Inoue, and although we were a good distance from each other, I could hear her.

"So sorry Kurosaki-kun," she had said. "Please forgive me," she had said.

Why? Why had she apologized? Why couldn't things just end already?! I didn't want to fight. I had just wanted everything to stop.

Because it had been painful. Much more painful to hear those words, hear her cries than any wound I had. Even now, my heart gives a painful constriction as I remember.

And that was when Renji had lifted me up. He had wanted me to fight, but I couldn't. Physically, I was done. I couldn't do anything before I even began fighting. What chance did I have? And mentality and emotionally, I had been completely finished. My determination had been snuffed out.

Then everything had started to fall in place. Tsukishima and Ginjou had shown up, and my blade had been fixed. I had given up but not anymore. I had the chance to win again. My resolve was back, but the damage had been done.

When Renji and I left to Soul Society, I couldn't even look at her.

After the defeat of Yhwach, I had not been able to celebrate it fully. Not until I saw her, and when I did, when I had seen that she was alive and safe, I could breathe. I could relax, but relaxation and celebration passed just as quickly as it came. She was still bruised, still beaten, still looking at me like…like I was a hero.

As I look up at my ceiling, I feel that guilt Renji just mentioned. I know it well. It was in that moment that I saw her after the battle when I felt the full force of this all-consuming guilt.

I had, in that moment of absolute despondency, I had willed for the end because I had been so selfish to think that it would be better. It would be better for me and me alone if Yhwach had succeeded when I lost the will to fight, and that is where the guilt stems from. Because how could I have allowed myself to have those thoughts? How could I, in good conscious, ever, ever, not feel guilty?

But I have repressed it. I thought I left it back in Soul Society because when I look at her now, I don't feel those same feelings. It's different. Something else is driving me to be close to her. But maybe it is guilt. Maybe it is.

I roll over and dig my face into my pillow. Her scent is still there, and I breathe it in.

Guilt would explain why I feel the compulsion to protect her. I had felt the same when we returned from Hueco Mundo. I couldn't protect her on my own, I had lost my powers, but I had insisted to Chad and Ishida that they check on her through her reiatsu every so often. I had been brazen enough when she had gotten a phone. I had entered my number in hers without asking. It had been a way for me to contact her, to be connected to her, and that had been my way to reassure myself that she was here. That she was fine.

Yes, the guilt then had been very clear. She had been kidnapped, and I couldn't do anything about it. I was sure that that would never happen again. I would make sure that would never happen again.

So guilt could be the force in why I've been seeking her company, but it doesn't explain everything. But the more I think about it, the more confused I become. So I fall asleep, breathing her scent in and thinking about why I'm hanging around her, hanging on every word she says, and just plainly...hanging on her.