A/N: So the ending of Chapter 26 left me stumped. For the life of me, I could not find a non-choppy opening to chapter 27 for the longest time. And if that weren't all ready putting pressure on me, Aurona X made a comment about my writing skills, which is nice, really nice and appreciated, don't get me wrong, but it added a lot of pressure because I felt that I had to write in the same level as Chapter 26. Since I couldn't do that, I kept rewriting, trying to find a perfect start, but I couldn't. And then bleachfanficfanatic helped me iron out all of these (incomplete/nonsensical) ideas, and she basically helped me write this chapter, so send her kudos because she deserves it! Anyways, keep reading, enjoying, and reviewing. Next chapter (or definitely the one after that) will be a doozy. Prepare yourselves to groan and to aw and to kick Ichigo.
It won't work. I can't do it. I can't fool myself. I know that. I know that as I tease her for getting too competitive and for knocking me out of the first two rounds.
"You are so cheating," I lightly accuse as I show my card.
She laughs. "I am so not. You just have an open-book kind of face".
I know that as I see her grin as she congratulates Yuzu for winning.
"I never knew that you had such a poker-face, Orihime-chan," Yuzu says as she puts up the game.
Inoue laughs as she and Karin brings the dumplings to the table.
"Me either," Karin agrees while Inoue distributes plates for everyone as she sits back down.
"I'm surprised at how bad Kurosaki-kun is at this game," she jests, and I roll my eyes, making them all giggle.
I know that as I cringe when she puts a mixture of Wasabi and butter on her dumplings.
"You shouldn't knock it until you've tried it, Kurosaki-kun," she admonishes between bites.
I know that as we leave, and she thanks me for today.
"For what?" I ask.
"For…" She falters, and her cheeks start to redden a little as she glances down. Her eyes meet mine when we hear Karin griping at me to hurry up. "For," she sighs and then smiles. "For being my friend."
I know I can't fool myself when I feel my face soften and when my lips return her smile. Because when I have to tell her, "You make it easy," I know why lying to myself won't be plausible. Won't be attainable.
I tell her goodbye as I stuff my hands into my pockets as I catch up to Yuzu and Karin who are walking without a care in the world. Walking in a world temporary filled by Inoue's warmth that combats the cool breeze which accompanies the night. And it feels nice. It feels comforting to know that I'm not the only one who is shaken by her. And it's different. I know that, too, but we are shaken, nonetheless. But it's the difference that creates varying reactions when we get home.
The old man is sitting in the dark, crying that his children have abandoned him and left him there to rot all alone. And although shaken, Yuzu, tangibly in a good mood, tries to soothe our dad. Although shaken, Karin, imperceptibly happy, handles him with a few remarks that have no bite.
And me…shaken to my core by her, I'm unable to address him at all. I just head up to my room and fall onto my bed and close my eyes.
"How's Orihime-chan?"
I don't bother to open my eyes as I answer him. "She's better."
"Then what's up with that expression?"
I snort. "This is just my natural face."
He doesn't respond, and neither do I. It's so quiet that if it weren't for his reiatsu, I would assume he left.
"Tell her," he abruptly announces.
That has my eyes snapping open. I sit up and stare at him.
"Tell her what?" I ask with hesitation, suddenly worried that he knows what I won't admit.
He's serious right now as he looks at me. It's like he is having an internal battle about something, something that I'm not quite aware of. He briefly closes his eyes, and he releases a harsh breath a second later. He gives a small shake of his head.
"Tell her thanks for the leftovers. They're good," he finishes.
It seems off. He's holding something back, but then again, so am I. So I let it go instead of calling him on it.
"Sure. She'll be happy to hear it."
He nods and starts to close my door behind him. But he stops. "Cheer up, kid. Regret is for the old, and you're still too young." And that's all he says before he shuts the door.
I lie back down, and I think about his words. I guess his statement or assessment is fair to an extent. I do feel regret. And the regret doesn't come from my decision to keep my feelings hidden. No, I know that is the right choice because she deserves to be happy. She deserves to be with the guy that she likes without having to feel bothered about my feelings or without having to feel guilty for turning me down. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable around me, so I know that my choice to let her go is for the best. It's the best for her, which means that it's the best for me.
The regret is from thinking that I could lie to myself. Because I can't. My mind won't let me look at her and think of her as anything less than what she is to me. And to me, she is special, and trying to pretend that she's not, that she's just like everyone else makes some part inside of me twist and revolt. It makes something in me protest.
My body, too, rejects the idea that I can treat her like I treat everyone else, and it acts out. At her apartment, I felt my eyes focusing on her too much when we were playing that card game. I felt the tension in my body, the tension that I usually always have, waver and decrease. And I felt myself smile a bit more than I'm used to.
And when she said that she's thankful to have me as her friend, I could feel my mind and my body work in total dissonance. Because although I smiled at her and my expression became gentler, inside…inside I was hurt. I was hurt, and I shouldn't have been because I'm the one who resigned myself to live as her friend in the first place. I did that, but hearing her say it out loud, hearing her tell me what I was to her, it sounded so final. It squashed this bit of hope that I didn't even know existed in me. Hope that I could be…that we could be…
On the outside, I pretended I was fine. I gave her that smile because I couldn't help it. But inside, there was pain. Pain that I couldn't hide from myself. Pain that had to be acknowledged because pretending that I could chose to not like her was a betrayal. A betrayal to myself. Because I could tell myself how to feel all I want, but I couldn't stop how I really do feel. And I shouldn't try because I owed it to myself. She even said it to me before when we were talking about Tatsuki and Chad. That we are allowed to feel how we feel, and that we owe it to ourselves.
And now, I should allow myself to like her without deception or secrecy or guilt. I owe it to myself to experience these new feelings without reluctance or restrictions. I should immerse myself in this unrequited like even if it's painful. Even if it leaves me feeling vulnerable. And it does, but there is also a lingering sense of relief knowing that I can be honest to myself about my feelings.
So when I hear her voice greeting Mizuiro and me, I let this warm feeling in my chest spread while I fix my facial features so that I can appear nonchalant.
"Are you two busy this Sunday?" She asks with excitement.
I can feel a frown forming. "Why?"
She laughs and steals a glance at a smirking Tatsuki. "There you go again with your tell-all expressions. Why are you suspicious of me, Kurosaki-kun?"
"Not suspicious," I correct, "I'm just, you know, being cautious."
"It was one time!" She pouts as Tatsuki rubs her head, pacifying her. I can hear Mizuiro stifling a laugh.
"It's okay, Orihime. It wasn't your fault." Tatsuki turns to glare at me. "And didn't we all come to an agreement to not mention it again?"
"Yeah, yeah."
"Well, you can trust me this time," she insists.
"I'm free, Inoue-san," Mizuiro chirps in.
She claps her hands together. "That's great! There's a music festival going on this weekend, and I thought we could all go to celebrate Kurosaki-kun getting his powers back."
I resist the urge to scowl. No one knows that I wouldn't be getting them back, and I couldn't tell anyone either. I don't want to worry anybody, so I have to hide it. Especially from her.
"Be honest. You just want an excuse to visit all the food stands."
She giggles. "Ah, Kurosaki-kun, you know me too well!"
We all laugh.
"I wouldn't want to get in your way when there's food involved, so I'm in."
She quickly pouts, but I see that she's trying to smother a smile. "My hero," she banters.
I guess it's a good thing that she suddenly pulls on Tatsuki while announcing that she has to invite all of our other friends before class starts. Because if she stayed a second longer, if she looked at me too closely, she would've known how I feel. Because to her, I'm an open-book, and a blush is pretty revealing.
I can feel Mizuiro looking at me, and I walk after them, toward school. "Come on. It's cold," I declare in a way that explains my red face.
If he believes me, I don't know. He just agrees about the weather while he catches up to me. But when we part ways for class, I berate myself for not keeping my reactions under control. I might be all for inwardly expressing and accepting my feelings, but I'm unwilling to outwardly exhibit my emotions. Which might prove to be more of an obstacle than I probably anticipated, but if it means that she'll remain oblivious to my feelings, then I'm up for the challenge.