"What is this for?" The attendant asked.
"Renovation for the Underground City."
"But it says here..." The middle aged woman scanned the right top corner of the blueprint before getting back to you. "... that one named Phoebe Johnson is the proposer."
"It's being endorsed." You informed her right back.
"Do you have a certificate of death for miss..." She read your name on the blueprints once again, before adjusting her glasses. Her fingers spread wide to receive the document she asked for.
"... for Miss Phoebe Johnson?"
"Phoebe?"
How many butterflies flapped their wings to get to a point where two strangers, who lived very different lives, meet? Was it that two minutes they took to choose what shoes to wear that the other stranger noticed the color and strike a conversation? Or the horse was going too fast or too slow that they suddenly arrive at the same time as the other did?
How many decisions did it take for Erwin to come up here in front of the City Registrar, call you by name, and watch you tremble as you surrendered your farewell letter?
How good it would be for him to arrive a little earlier, that he should've stricken a conversation before the teller snatched the letter from your hand and had it thrown into the pile of other farewell letters before you could even change your mind?
A defeated smile tugged on your lips before it brightened up to meet Erwin's friendly greeting. You're not blaming anybody, it is your choice that you're preparing for the worst, but a part of you was hoping for a sign that the worst would pass you by, even through a sign, like Erwin's delayed arrival.
"Erwin, didn't see you there." He smiled in reply, stopping just beside you, his body facing the middle-aged teller.
"Sometimes, I want to keep it...low-key." The commander replied, lowering his voice at the last word, but leaning on you so you'd hear. His tone was light and playful. With his towering height, golden hair and commanding aura, it was impossible to miss the guy.
"Low-key huh?"
"Yes ma'am." He grinned like a child, your banters with him has gotten way too comfortable to just be colleagues.
These closed-door meetings with him had that effect; he began adopting your otherworldly vocabulary. He pleaded with the teller on the other side while your business was left unattended. He deposited some type of letter before gingerly glancing at your business.
"For the Underground city?" Though light, a hint of seriousness stayed on his tone.
"Yeah," You whispered, not caring if he saw it. He quickly handed over his documents to the lady, lady processed it, and soon, you found yourself walking with Erwin for a drink in his office.
"OMG," He said, spilling hot water off the tray, "Am I using that right?"
"Yes," You chuckled, your posture was too comfortable you began to slouch and own the space where you sat. "Yes, it is— but please stop it, it's not like you!"
"I'm open to learning new things." He reasoned, offering you the tea he just made before setting himself on the couch across where you sat, a glass of port in his hand. "And you are a good teacher."
"Thank you," You said, the laughter dying out, graciously receiving the tea. The steam swirled up your nose and it smelled like chamomile. "But all I did was help you with supply and support. I did nothing important." It was true. If anything, it was Miche's hardwork in collaborating with Shadis and Pyxis to make the plan come to life.
"When you looked at the set-up of the walls to the field, you already saw the dangers we might encounter when we get there." Erwin reasoned. "While we saw them as well, no one could come up with a proposal to bypass it. Maybe I should nominate you as Commander if worse came—"
"Don't say that." You grimly uttered, your fingers held the cup handle so firmly to keep your anxiety in check. "We didn't plan that much if it's not to protect you and your soldiers."
"I know my end would never be dying from old age." He chuckled, as if the topic of his own death was such a trivial matter. "I knew the repercussions of becoming a Commander."
"Still," You insisted, your tone was rising, fast-paced and almost argumentative, though kept in check. "Don't say stuff like that. You're discrediting your people's efforts. They deserve to see you value your life when they worked so hard—" The topic was difficult, especially when you see yourself on an arid field of giants, face to face with earthly meteors thrown in your direction.
It reminds you of your helplessness. That not even intellect— the one weapon you have, was incomparable to fate.
There was tension with the silence. Erwin looked contemplative as his gaze focused on the floor, his fingers encased together, hugging his glass of port.
"Phoebe, I apologize."
You chewed on your lower lip, peeling off the protruding skin with your teeth that it began to bleed.
"No," You said, sounding more mellow. "I understand why you think that way."
"It's demoralizing," He chuckled, the effects of port flushed his cheeks. He ruffled his hair, ruining his trademark hairstyle. "Hearing that from a Commander... don't tell Levi, or any of the soldier I said that."
"Gee," You began to chuckle too, feeling the tension dissipate through the air. "Don't worry about that, I hardly see him."
He was about to sip the last gulp of port when he glanced curiously at you over his transparent glass. "Ah, so that's what it was about, huh?"
Erwin began laughing, as if realizing something.
"What?" You said, bewildered of his odd behavior. Glancing over the pitcher of port— half-empty now, you could tell the Commander was tipsy. "Do I need to know something?"
"You know, the tea you're drinking?" He clumsily pointed at the cup you were drinking. "Levi gave me that."
"And?" You saw him pour another glass, before downing half easily.
"While I found solace with port, Levi insisted with tea."
"Give him a skirt and he's ready with his fancy afternoon party." You joked.
"He certainly is." He chuckled, his eyes squinting with amusement.
A pause. The short bliss died down to silence. Your thumb caressed the rim while you could feel Erwin study you.
"He's in love with you, you know." He stated so casually, finally breaking the silence.
You didn't know how to respond to that. But no, your lack of reaction did not stem from Erwin's statement— if anything, you were surprised at how... cold you were taking it.
"Why are you saying that to me now?" You asked.
"I don't know." He chuckled, but when the laughter died out, the lingering smile wasn't happy anymore. This one reflected sadness, some type of nostalgic, persistent, yet helpless longing.
His eyes were glassy, his expression loosened. This Erwin you were seeing was living in a past that never happened.
A long, haunting silence; a moment of hesitation plagued the room, making the mahogany walls of his office bleak, tight and colder than its actual, comfortable, warmer hue.
Then Erwin meant to speak hastily, opening his mouth to form a word, until you spoke first.
"If he is..." You paused, looking at the ground to compose yourself. Your mind looked for reasons to reject what your heart longed to believe. You had to be calm, firm on your decision to let it go, but somehow, you had to pause or else, your voice might crack.
Erwin fished his pocket watch; clicking the top to flick the case, revealing the time to him.
Finally, you were braved to mean every word you say. "If he does, he'll be upfront about it. He will not confuse me and I will know where I stand in his life. But I don't know, and I am tired trying to make him talk with me, and hurting myself on the process. So I let go, because I'm done dealing with this confusion."
"In a perfect world, Phoebe." Erwin mumbled, fondly looking at his watch, caressing the glass interior of the silver antique. There was longing in that slight smile as he revered the inside. He always checks the time, Erwin. You've always thought that it was because of being efficient and wanted to make use of his time as productively as possible— a good quality of a leader, but now that Erwin was letting you see what was in it... you're seeing him differently.
The left side of the locket was his father's photo.
But on the right side was Marie's photo, Nile Dok's wife.
"But this is not a perfect world." Erwin softly stated a cruel fact.
Marie was younger in it, probably years ago when the young, naive soldier fell in love with the cheerful barmaid. And for a second, it crossed your mind, in the uncountable times he took that out of his pocket and glanced at her picture, did he ever think of living his life differently?
In this cruel world, would Erwin, for once, think of doing the reckless thing that is to be with the person he loves?
"This is not a perfect world." Erwin's voice shattered this time. The answer to your question was right there. Erwin didn't like what he's doing, but it was necessary. He had to stand on that decision everyday; to carry the burden of his choices no matter the size of conscience and sanity seized from him. He wanted to make a better world for the woman he loves, and he eagerly paid the price. Even if that means letting her go and allowing her to be happy— to painfully see her build a family with someone else, in a world he's trying to correct, all in order to keep her safe.
It was a slow process of unfolding.
A flower that slowly blooms on the first day of spring; the tranquility of waking up in the country, alone, and have not spoken to a single soul, the sudden death of a loved one...
Or an untold confession of love countlessly expressed through actions.
You became aware of the silence. You didn't know how long it had been since the shocker, but little by little, you were starting to accept that indeed, Levi's actions made sense.
And like the first sunlight after the darkest hour, or the stillness of an undisturbed water, you've never felt this unhurried and restful for a while.
He loves you.It echoed repeatedly in your head until it had no choice but to surrender to the truth your heart have always yearned it believed.
Protecting you with bandages to taking the beating to save your life, Levi expressed his affection in any method he could endure. That is how Levi loved. You couldn't see it because you demanded that he showed it in another way.
But then your shoulders dropped. Bad feeling swirled inside your stomach. You didn't even have time to tell Levi how starving you were to be called his.
"Well, it's too late," You choked. "You guys are leaving tomorrow."
"But doyoulove him?" Erwin insisted.
"Yes." Your tone was firm, your delicate, dainty hand now balled to a tight fist. "He's the man I will beg on my knees to not go anywhere I cannot follow."
Right now, you weren't seeing a Commander who prefers justice and order over favor. Now, he was a friend who didn't want you or Levi go through the same longing and regret he carries everyday. Erwin poured the last of his port in your tea, and urged you to drink on for the much needed liquid courage.
"He should be at the stables right now." Erwin said.
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
Hi, it's been a while since I wrote the last chapter, and I am thankful you guys are still here.
How I brainstormed this particular chapter was I wanted to shed some light on how I portrayed Erwin because I think he's a bit more all over, ngl. But it has a reason though. I attempted to balance out Erwin's two persona: One, the Commander Erwin we always see, and Two, the Erwin Smith who is a friend and a human being. That yes, he is THIS commander— very rigid, accountable, very responsible— you guys get the gist. I want to portray this side of him through how he was ready to throw Phoebe back to torture if he had to, to spy on Phoebe and whatever information she knows, or throw Levi into torture interrogation because Levi indeed broke the chain of command. But his 'as a friend' side would convince him to negotiate that Levi can do the babysitting and taking care of FL... because obviously, Levi cares a lot for her.
So in the previous chapters, I tried to like balance these two sides of him and in this chapter, you could tell he's more in touch with his 'human' side because he had gotten close with FL that he also began putting some faith (not a lot, but enough There's this commander-proactive-stuff going on with this guy) in her. That's exacerbated when he consumed alcohol and was a bit more sentimental because he could see his situation in the FL and Levi's.
Also, it's quite fun to put lore on Erwin. :)
As to Febes, I think some of us know the really bad dynamic of two people who didn't know how to communicate. One demands to be loved in a way she understands, and the other gives the love in the capacity that he can. So that's what's happening. Hopefully, they'd fix it before they go to war with half the forces of Marley.
And tbh, I don't see Levi EVER confessing "But I love you!" to anyone. Ever. Even if he's drunk. He'd rather have a go with 100 Eren titan than do a love confession. I think that's the extent of Levi's shyness.
Aaaand in order to solve that, Levi needed a wingman.
Next chapter's gonna be too much, at least for me. I have the draft, but I think it's a bit lacking on the prose department so more revision on that. I'll see if I can do it tomorrow or the next day because I have the other Levi fanfic and work juggling by a hand.
Right! I hope you like it! As always, I am excited to read your thoughts about it and see you on the next chapter!