Trying to write a somewhat funny omake, but I'll spoil it by saying that the Primordial is an asshole. Hope at least someone likes it. I really wanna see the Primordial in this, even if it's only in omakes.

Something was off. What exactly, Tide couldn't say for sure. There was nothing to see, either through his own "eyes" or the eyes of his Altered, just an odd sensation he had never felt before. Not even after experiencing the lives of tens of billions of Humans and Orks. Normally this wouldn't have put Tide on edge, but considering his own Domain, his own mind had a window into the Warp, well...

"Maybe I should talk to Purilla?" He mused to himself. "Would she even be able to figure out what this is?"

If Tide was being honest, he had no idea how he would describe this feeling to anyone who didn't have his sort of awareness. He was not even sure how to describe it himself. There was also the possibility that this had nothing to do with the Warp, but rather the Flood. Or he was losing his mind.

"I can tell you that you are not losing your mind. Not even I could take it from you, especially as you are one of us now."

A sharp gasp cut through the "silence" of Tide's Domain as the entirety of his Flood mass froze instantly. Even his Altered weren't unaffected, stopping in the middle of what they were doing as feelings of anxiety began to overwhelm them, yet they could not say why nor could they do anything about it as their unknown overlord felt his nonexistent heart stop.

The voice had shattered Tide's train of thought despite speaking in a nonchalant tone. His once fluid and changing Domain had suddenly become empty and dark and cold as he found himself struggling to breathe. God, when was the last time he felt the need to breathe?

"Will you relax? I know you were scared of the Make-Believe Clowns of all things, but damn, I'm not even trying to intimidate you. And I thought the natives of this Galaxy were pussios."

That only made it worse, as if it had confirmed what Tide was already certain of the moment he heard the voice. Despite having never heard what it truly sounded like, despite having no real evidence as to who it belonged to, he knew who was speaking to him now.

Slowly, Tide turned within his own mind and gazed upon the speaker. It looked like any other Flood form, monstrous and rotten, yet its shape was like that of a massive and seemingly endless serpent. Its front end was lifted up high as it gazed down upon him without any eyes, just a maw almost like a flytrap's, but filled with jagged teeth.

"No... It can't be-" Tide felt his immaterial head whipping back as he was slapped in the face by the other Gravemind's tentacle.

"There. That outta knock the fear out of you. I'll save the scaring for later." The Primordial spoke in an annoyed tone, very unlike the poetic voice he seemed to favor using in the Halo games. "This ain't Halo. And even if it was, I'm not in the mood to speak in iambic pentameter."

As Tide felt his anxiety disappear and his Altered continued on with what they were doing as if nothing had happened, he looked up at the Primordial. "Wait, you can read my mind?"

"No. You're just thinking out loud."

"Why are you here? What do you want?"

"Simple. My siblings wanted to keep me in-check and be helpful, so they sent me here to educate you, and salvage one of the most pathetic iterations of Humanity I've ever seen. And I've seen plenty, some you would know as Dune, the people of Man After Man, or Idiocracy."

Tide couldn't help himself. "You don't know what you're talking about! Yes, the Imperium of Man has a lot wrong with it, but not all of Humanity is that bad. And I don't really get how Dune falls into being one of those "pathetic humans" you're talking about. Even if there are some similarities. Plus, they're trying so hard to keep going!"

"They're on life support at best. And the whole "story,"

the Primordial made finger quotes with his tentacles, "of Warhammer 40K is just a dead, sci-fi space fantasy with characters as brain-dead and incompetent as the setting is supposedly OP."

Tide just stared at the elder Precursor incredulously. "Damn, you are hateful."

"Yep. Especially when you add in the fact that the Big Bad of 40K, the Primordial Annihilator, the Gods of Chaos, aren't gods. They aren't even parasites as you've come to see them as, boy. They're just a figment of your imagination. This whole galaxy, the great and mighty and united Imperium of Man is losing to figments of their imagination!"

The Primordial waved his tentacles around in frustration. "Imagine that! Hell, the Warp is so chaotic because everyone in galaxy can't get along with each other for more than 5 minutes! If they could, the Warp, the Daemons, the "Gods"... Would be an absolute non-issue."

"How do I get away from you? In fact, assuming you were telling the truth, why would the Precursors send you of all people to help me?"

"Because they know how much I'll hate helping you help 40K. And speaking with my son again."

If Tide had physical eyes, they would've jumped out of their sockets. "You... You have a son? A child? You?"

"Depending on how you look at it, I actually have billions in Halo, and possibly quadrillions in this Galaxy."

"... No."

"Yep."

"You're telling me..."

"You are looking at the Father of Man."

...

Tide, in his Domain, had no mouth. Yet he still screamed. Then the majority of his Flood mass grew a maw of gargantuan proportions and let out a wail that pierced both the Heavens and the Warp.

"Oh, relax. It could be worse. I think at some point, someone commented about me appearing as some kind of yandere for you."

No one would've thought it would be possible for the planet-shaking screams of horror to become even louder and more catastrophic. Turns out, they could.

The Emperor, the Master of Mankind, the ruler of a million human worlds, sat immobile on his Golden Throne for what had to be the 10,000th year. At this point, he was thankful that what remained of his body was numb, as he already had plenty of pain to keep him company as he wondered why his moronic followers hadn't just installed a Text-to-Speech device to his throne. That way, he could at least talk some sense into them without having to expend any of his emergency reserves of Warp power.

"I'm sick of this life. Tide, hurry up and do something! My Imperium is becoming worse everyday! And I am not looking forward to another Warp brawl or card game with the Four Tumors."

"So this is what you've been doing?"

The Emperor, had he not already been numb and decayed, would've felt his body locking up as his immaterial form looked upon the surprise and, frankly, unwelcome visitor.

"Dad? You're alive?!"
"Hello, Neoth." The Primordial greeted his apparent son in a deadpan tone. "You've grown since I last saw you."

"The last time you did see me, I was in some kind of Primordial soup."

"And here you are, having grown into the Embodiment of Failure."

"Excuse me? I am the most evolved Human you've created!"

Neoth retorted. "And I've been doing my best to safeguard Humanity!"

"From your imaginary friends? Enemies?"

"I fucking wish the Giggling Assholes in the Warp were imaginary! You think I would be in such a state if they were?"

"Do you think your Imperium would be in such a state if you weren't a failure. You could also blame everyone else, since they do an excellent job contributing."

"I tried! And I'm still trying. I can get things back on track."

"Like that'll ever happen. I take it your propensity for finding failure in all you do has long since doomed the Kingdom of Backwardness, especially with the addition of the Church of God Emperor."

"Actually, that's a sore spot for me right now, so if you could just be a little more sensitive!"

"You're a failure, Neoth. Probably my greatest failure."

"Oh, come the fuck on! Even worse than Fallout?"

"The Humans of Fallout are making a lot more technological progress than almost anyone in this Galaxy, except the Tau. Honestly, 1950s tech would be a boon for the Imperium in every way."

"Those idiotic sons of bitches still fight over things like capitalism and communism! And most of them don't even know what a microchip is! I don't wanna hear shit!"

"I can see them beating "Chaos" pretty easily."

"What would they even do, Dad? Give Chaos radioactive STDs? I mean, come on!"

"Nope, but that would probably be more effective than what you and your followers have been doing so far. As you said, they just have to stop believing in Chaos."

"I hate you. Now I know how Magnus must feel. And why is Tide screaming so much? Seriously, I'm scared that Terra is gonna be shaken apart!"

"Nevermind him. He's just confused."