Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.
Chapter Four
My mind was still running an hour later. How had it come to this? It was like I was back in that panic when she left my arms in the Walsh entrance. She had walked down those stairs and I had remembered her- I even told her as much, it was like that fog of pain, rejection and hopelessness had lifted. I was allowed back in, I was once again family. Before the panic of that summer mistake had set in I had I smiled into our kiss, those lips had tasted like heaven even all these years later they still do.
I remember kissing them just before Christmas in senior year before I was slapped down with another one of her rejections. She had leaned down and kissed my cheek, and we had got carried away. For a moment I was thinking this is it, this is home. It didn't last, I felt her stiffen and so I had pulled back and apologised, she then very clearly reminded me that we were just friends. She had been so serious when she said it. When Kelly had made a move on me the next day, just friends kept running through my head.
We hadn't kissed since she had broken up with me, even when I came back and saw her and Kelly walking in the hallway I couldn't risk kissing her lips, I knew they were home, they had power over me. I couldn't just ever have one taste. I never risked kissing her again after that Christmas, if we were going to kiss again it would have to be her- this time she'd have to initiate. I had thought maybe she'd do it again, I thought she nearly came close a couple of times after that, after I had chosen but she never leaned forward and I wasn't risking tasting home just to be told it was no longer mine, that I was no longer welcome.
Freshman year, every now and then I thought she'd do it but then she began rejecting me even without letting me taste heaven, she got so good that she could lean in, kiss my cheek make me feel hope, and then slap me back with her words. I'd say her rejections by then hurt less but that would be a lie. Every time I was taken back to that car by the beach when she left me, back to me sitting in that honeymooners cabin telling her how my life was a mess and her still refusing to take me back because I was just too intense.
So after that Christmas I decided that our next kiss would only be when she initiated it. I waited, held myself back even when she told me she loved me that she wouldn't be gone forever- I waited. I wouldn't lean forward it was on her. I wasn't going to believe it was real, that she wouldn't take it back until I felt her kiss me- I had learnt my lesson. She did though. She leaned forward. We had five day's before she had moved to London, and Bren had dedicated some of that time to supporting Donna who had been devastated by David's betrayal, that kindness when none had been offered to her was not lost on me at the time but like everything I hadn't said it to Bren. I thought calling it out would just open old wounds, we were moving on from that time. She was going to go away to study and then come back, we were going to be us again, and they'd then go back to treating her like normal- they wouldn't be feeling awkward they'd be better friends to her, it was going to be a restart on everything. She'd start to feel more herself again- I had had it all worked out.
She spent time everyday having lunch with Donna, packing up her room in the afternoon, eating dinner with her parents and then at night she'd come to me and we'd have each night each morning until she repeat it all again. She hadn't wanted pressure so we had kept us being together low key. We didn't hide it but no one directly asked and we therefore didn't say anything, the gang was pretty separated so we didn't see anyone except Nat and he simply gave me a wink and the biggest smile to his Laverne. We avoided her parents, after dissolving the business relationship I didn't trust Jim not to react badly I didn't want this time to be like that, I wanted this time perfect. I wanted nothing to interfere with me kissing her.
We had said goodbye the morning she was flying out, I had wanted to drive her to the airport but her parents wanted to do that. We had kissed until our lips had hurt but I still didn't want to let her go, I didn't want to lose my home again. She eventually managed to be stronger than me and pull herself away, after she left I had sat quietly on the front porch and waited the hours till her plane left looking at the sky for any sign of it. The hollowness had started to gradually crawl in then, when two day's later I was told a cheque of mine had bounced and I then visited the bank, the numbness took over. I was drinking in less than a week of her walking onto that plane- I needed to numb my lips.
That summer I had lost myself in a bottle but I had remembered those five day's, I remembered my home. Those day's were different from our first relationship, not because I could hold her all night or the volume of worshipping we did- though that was incredible. They were different because she had forgiven me for the worst thing I could have done to her, I didn't think that was possible. She had proven that she would continue to stand by me even after I broke her heart but I was denied my home, when she kissed me I knew I knew we had got past it- she had offered it all again, no conditions, no take backs.
For those sixteen months she had continued to be my family and best friend, and then there she was accepting me as more. She had always been the only one I trusted trusted in all ways but one, I knew she was capable of leaving me. She had proven in those two years of us together that she'd leave, she'd leave on a whim, when it got too much, when she got confused- she'd leave. I was waiting for her to do it for good, but she didn't. During that sixteen months after I had destroyed her, she had proven to me she would always be there but I had convinced myself that I just had to accept it was just as a friend not as my partner. I was too much for her in that way, still too intense I guess. That night, her words, her kiss made my fear begin to rescind, and I had begun to realise just how much my fear had motivated me.
She had come close to leaving me for good, a year prior she told me about Minnesota I thought that was it I knew it- I had reacted by inviting Kelly to Europe. I had decided then that I had to make us work, we had never quite found our stride in those three and a half months of us dating but maybe the summer would help. It hadn't. I had spent fifty minutes in the French country side on the phone tracking down Bren's dorm number. I had been due to fly back, I had been so low that I had swallowed my pride and had rung her. I wanted to just fly home when she didn't answer I took it as a sign and flew back to Beverly Hills instead.
Then my hope during our fishing trip had been squashed when she had rejected me again, it had happened so often that sophomore summer and then repeated in senior year I had grown used to the pain. Again I had run back to Kelly and tried to recommit to that- remove the perfect fantasy of Bren and I, we obviously weren't ever going to be a long term reality she didn't want me like that but I could have her as my best friend I could have that.
Her change towards me since my father's funeral had been clear I was just a close friend. Even when at times I started convincing myself she wanted more something would make me question her, she'd get arrested, she'd start being distant from the gang- I wasn't an idiot I knew she was depressed, I just thought after Minnesota she was struggling to find her feet at College and with the gang. When she ran off and accepted another man's proposal, I had caved and had come as close as I would to chasing her again, but when she didn't believe me and claimed I had been put up to it by her father I didn't deny it. I didn't tell her I had taken it further than a friendly conversation the only promise I had made to Jim. By then I was hit by the familiar feeling of rejection- it was too much again.
Even with the freshness of her denying me of not even being able to even entertain the thought that maybe one day there could be a chance for us, I had still gone to Vegas- she was my best friend, my family, even when it hurt I'd still be there. I stood at the end of that aisle but I had refused to look at her. I had imagined us there never in my imagination had there been anyone between us. When she called it off I was relieved but seeing them even share a mock first dance together told me that this had been real, she may not be ready to marry him but her emotions were real. She was done with me. That view was reinforced when back at College she encouraged me to fight for Kelly she obviously no longer saw me in that way.
Palm Springs had been a wake up call, she described her hopes for the weekend in a place I thought had been special to her and I. It was where we were going to share our first time but had ended up finding a new sense of honesty together, we had learnt we could fight and forgive, we could talk about everything. It was the place we had joked about grandkids, it's where I had begun to believe she was committed to me for the long term, it was the place that after we had left the Silver's I was able to hold her for the first time all night, wake up next to her, and then it became the place where she gave me a taste of my own medicine and made me the consolation prize.
On that drive she had told me everything I wanted to hear on that phone, on that pier, at that campus café table, and it was all because she was upset over another man- it wasn't real. I knew it was her pain over him that was telling me all this, and I was proven right when all I said was her name and she chose to interrupt and tell me she was just feeling sorry for herself.
When she had arrived on my doorstep after the carnival and again told me everything I had wanted to hear I waited, I didn't say her name this time I didn't give anything away, I waited. I waited to see if it was genuine, I waited to see if she'd take it back. Instead she had leaned in and kissed me, and then had taken the lead in everything. Every night she came back I believed her a little more, when she got on that plane I was convinced I knew with every fibre of my being she'd come home to me.
When I came back from Mexico a few day's before her arrival and found out she wasn't returning I got drunk, I finally crossed the line and slept with someone else. I drank nearly a quarter of a bottle of Jack immediately after just to burn the taste of them from me- it felt wrong but she had left me again, when I needed her she left me. The next months were a haze but when I woke in that hospital bed to my Mum and the ghost of my father I had assumed she'd be in the room soon. The intervention I imagine they never told her, if they had I would have taken it seriously, but me in a coma barely holding onto life well she'd be there there was no way she wouldn't come back to me, for regardless of everything else I knew I could trust her as my best friend my family.
I waited thinking maybe she was sleeping after staying with me all night after her flight, but within a few hours she hadn't turned up and no one had mentioned her. When I realised that she wasn't there, hadn't even called I knew it was over for good. She had left me for good, abandoned me like everyone I considered family, like I always knew she was capable of, abandoned me more than any other time. She was obviously done with me I was no longer her family or even her friend, she didn't even care if I was alive or dead. It confirmed I was right all along, I had been right back in senior year, she'd keep running from me she wasn't a sure thing she wouldn't stick around, she had a bigger destiny than me.
I got clean and decided to go back to the girl who had wanted me since junior high who I knew wouldn't leave, well once I convinced her that I could commit this time.
Maybe she was right maybe our book should be called bad timing, or fear; I didn't realise when I was stuck not able to get past mine that she had been stuck too, unable to get past hers. Hearing my mother, seeing Roy's anger, they blamed me they thought I was at fault. My mother's take on freshman year had been eye opening. Roy's accusation that her depression was a nuisance to me was crushing. He wasn't here he didn't see us, that was Bren speaking to him, her belief of what she thought. She had told me I showed kindness to her but to him she painted a different picture- she used to be nothing but honest, would share everything with me, when had that stopped? London? Freshman year? The park? When I had stopped being open with her?
I had left The Pit well over an hour ago and had been driving around since. When I had rang on getting to my car Kelly had told me she wouldn't be home till two, I had not wanted to go home I hadn't wanted to sit and realise what her knowing about Kelly's visits in senior year would mean for my plan. I didn't want to think that even now Brandon was still putting his sister last. He wanted me to go to Kelly's not for Brenda but because he wanted Kelly to be free of me. Regardless of his motivation I needed his support, I needed someone to give me at least access to her. I could do the rest, I could fight for her again. I had done it the summer of sophomore year when she had been scared, I could do it again. I knew I could, and this time nothing not my fear, her dad or anyone else was getting in our way. Brandon just had to give me the chance that I had accidentally destroyed today, and then I would make this right.
At two I knock on her door, she opens it immediately. "I know you said this was important but Dylan if this is about your Dad's death, wanting more help I'm going to say no. I don't think it's safe or healthy for you to obsess."
I give her a nod she wouldn't understand, my investigation into my dad's death was about me hurting the people who had destroyed my whole family. I had chosen one family over another, her not turning up that night made me realise I couldn't have both. I lost her and then I lost him, my revenge was greater than my dad it was for making my sacrifice pointless- I had lost them both in the end. "No, is Donna and Clare home?" She shakes her head, "want to come sit on the balcony with me?" I didn't want to be inside I didn't want to ever be seen to be alone with her again.
As we move to the chairs she looks at me, "Dylan. Look if this is another grand gesture, I'm with Colin we are-"
"No it's not that. It's an apology. I owe you an apology."
She tilts her head in confusion, "why? What have you done now?" In each of her words her resigned tone echoes, I was always more disappointment than anything else to her.
"Kel I owe you an apology for it all. For the last few year's, for that summer when I was hurt and feeling abandoned I turned to you. I shouldn't have, I destroyed your friendship with her because I was weak. I destroyed it again by not being honest with her straight away. She would have hated us but she would have forgiven us- I know that now. I need to apologise for not being clear from the start for not saying it was her it was her, I would never leave her-"
"Dylan what's this about? Why are you here bringing up history? Rewriting history?" I can tell she doesn't believe what I'm saying.
"That's the thing Kel I'm trying to wipe it all clear, I'm trying to wipe away all the lies. I'm removing all the rewrites and going back to the truth. You told me that summer when in doubt lie, I've been lying ever since about everything, I've lied… fuck that's another lie. Bren. Bren I couldn't lie to her that week-"
"What week? Dylan what are you talking about?" Her disdain for this conversation was coming through in her tone.
"Brenda and I got back together before she left for London. I finally got my home back and then I blew it all up again..." I breathe out and decide to rip it all to shreds, do what even rehab couldn't do- I need to truly expose it all. "Kelly you asked if I chose you because she didn't turn up that night, I never answered. Yes that's how I made my choice because I was scared. Scared she'd leave me when she found out the whole truth about us, scared that Jim would keep her away because of Jack, scared I'd be alone again. I've been so scared of being alone that I've done some horrible things, I've done some horrible things to you. I destroyed you and Brandon, he loved you he wanted forever with you and I destroyed it because I didn't want to be alone, because I thought she had left me for good. Kelly I've lied about so much. I've turned to stupid stuff, stuff I would laugh at my mother for. Regression therapy I don't believe in that shit, I don't believe Jack is being reborn as we speak. I don't believe that we have destiny's written before we are born. It's a cop out, I believe we make are own. I want I've always wanted mine with Brenda. I've always known she has owned me from the start, body and soul. I've always known she is my home, she is the only home I've ever wanted, the only home I'll ever need, she's the only girl I have ever wanted. I'm sorry I've lied, I'm sorry I lied about it all, I'm sorry in my doubt my doubt that she wouldn't stay with me that I lied. I'm sorry about lying to you in that pool, on that swing. I'm sorry for all the lies last year for hurting you and Brandon. I'm sorry for it all."
She looks at me hurt, but then her eyes get a spark like she has figured out something. "Dylan when did you you start drinking again? Are you taking drugs to?"
What what is she talking about? "Kelly I'm clean, I have been since I woke from that coma."
The hurt comes back into her eyes, followed by a bitter tone. "So what, I'm supposed to believe you saw Brenda for a couple hours on Saturday night, around all of us and you now have had this massive realisation that everything we meant, mean to each other is false? Like you've just changed your mind and don't think I'm your soulmate?"
"Kel I didn't think she'd come back, when I was in that coma and she didn't come back, didn't call I thought she was done with me. I just found out she was kept away, but she didn't give up on me. She had been making medical decisions for me the whole time, making sure I was okay. Kelly we aren't soulmates, in that park I said it because I believed we understood each other that you got my childhood experience how it shaped me. If you did you would get me now, you would know why I did what I did, you would understand that she has the power to destroy me, last year her not coming home did nearly destroy me. You would understand that I didn't trust her not to misuse that power, that her leaving that senior summer became too much of a risk. You'd understand-"
"That because you were a scared little boy you were allowed to destroy my life, my friendship, my relationship with a man I had wanted since I had first seen him at that party sophomore year. A man who wanted forever with me. You think I would understand this? Dylan what the fuck did I ever do to you to be dragged into this? You warned Jake not to hurt me that summer because what you wanted to do it yourself?"
"Kel it wasn't like that. I didn't know then that we would start something, I didn't think I'd ever let your flirting-"
"My flirting? What so it's my fault? I was too tempting for you."
"No I could have resisted, god knows I had done it for the years you'd been trying before." I pause shit I shouldn't have snapped, she had a role in it all but it was my responsibility to protect Bren and my love not hers. It was on me.
I take a calming breath, "sorry I don't want to snap at you, it wasn't your job to protect Bren and my relationship it was on me. I let you get too close, and I take responsibility for it. I destroyed her and I. She forgave me though, we moved past this mistake-"
"Mistake, now I'm a mistake. Dylan is this your new revenge? Are you here because you want to get even with me for not choosing you, because I'm with Colin now?"
Seriously was she not listening to everything I am saying, I forgot how bad we were at communicating with each other. "No I'm here because I want you to know where we stand, I want you to know that I have cared about you but I've been unfair to you from the start. I want you to know that I won't ever do that again. That I won't come back-"
"You are going to try and win her back aren't you?" Her disbelief, her mocking is clear. "You think she'll take you back after everything? Dylan we talk I've told her everything, she may not be as open with me as I like but she was the only one who sat and listened to me talk for hours about my experience in that fire, she'd sit on the phone and let me ramble on, she never judged just listened. When Finley, when I realised what was going on she did it again. She understood that after my experience in freshman year that to have someone now violate my mind, manipulate my emotions was crushing. She may not feel it but she's my best friend, at one stage I thought we were going to be sister's until… what are you hoping that she'll hear how you denied everything, made us a joke, and what coming running back? And then what, when you realise she isn't going to welcome you back when she returns to London you'll be back on my door claiming soulmates again?"
Of course Bren would be battling her own demons in silence but still go out of her way to support a girl who had one stage had enjoyed hurting her. I try and be as clear as I can, "we aren't soulmates, and even if Bren says no, if she wants nothing to do with me I still won't be back. I won't hurt you again, and I won't give up hope this time. Brenda and I will be together."
She takes a moment and looks at me realising that I'm serious, that I'm never going to come back to this illusion. When she speaks again it's without the sarcasm, "Dylan she was friendly on Saturday night but she didn't jump back into your arms do you really think you stand a chance?"
I promised Bren not to disclose our Saturday night I wouldn't break another promise to her. "I have to try. I have to try and keep trying. Kel I want my life with her. I want it all with her. You know she makes me a better person, she-"
Sadness rings through in her tone, "brings out a man I never could. Brandon did the same with me."
I was pushing it, I was pushing it because I knew she was with Colin. "Kel imagine it, I get my girl back and my brother, and you could get your guy and your sister back. We combine the fucking Bermuda triangles from hell and realise that they were never going to work, it was a square all along. You and me diagonally across from each other, we weren't ever supposed to touch the twins were always supposed to tie us together. Them as siblings, us as childhood friends. The four of us family."
"Dylan what are you saying?"
"I'm saying I'm sure Colin's nice and all but you don't want that forever, the same way as you never wanted me forever, travelling and instability- the life I'll live is not what you want. It's a life my actress will love, will share with me. Brandon, a home, stability that's you. Help me, help me make this right? I fucked up Bren and I but-"
"You didn't do it alone… Dylan why should I? If Brandon I are meant to be we will be."
"You want your best friend properly back don't you? Look I can't promise you that but if you really want her as a best friend you would want her to be happy. Who can make her happier than me? Help me reclaim the future the love of my life, and maybe along the way you'll reclaim yours with Brandon?"