Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.
Chapter Nine
Hanging up hadn't made it stop, there was so many moments in senior and freshman year that I had never called him on, to find that there were even more that I wasn't aware of made my head spin and my heart hurt. I gave myself one minute to feel the anger the betrayal and then I got up and took a shower. My counsellor, I preferred that then Doctor because to me that's what she did, she had given me wise counsel since day one. She told me that I couldn't bottle the emotions, suppress them, or let them have free reign, none of those strategies were helpful or had worked for me in the past. I needed to give them air but not too much. One minute was my starting point but for really strong ones like tonight in the foyer of my old house I had needed five. I could feel and then I needed to decide my approach, let my emotions lead me or my head.
Since hearing what he had kept from me I needed only one minute before my shower. It was unfortunate that I had grown use to the confusion and betrayal, freshman year was a masterclass in it. He had been my best friend but let's be honest he had been my only friend in this town, and even then he had stood by me one day and abandoned me the next. He was consistently inconsistent that year, and I'm not sure why it still shocked me to hear how much. As I showered I got annoyed at myself, tonight on that call I had given him my real emotions unfiltered. He didn't deserve that none of them did.
I couldn't wait to go home back to a life that made sense. After getting out of the shower I put on my pyjamas and then walked into Roy's room. He was reading but on my entry looked up from his book.
"Didn't go well with Iris?"
"She was upset and I'm sure there will be heated calls to Hong Kong and to her son, but she's okay. Worried for me-"
"That's nothing new love." As I pull back the covers he gives me a sympathetic look, "are we having chats or a slumber party?"
"Slumber party."
"Is it just your Dad's disgusting threat that has you concerned? Worried that sleep will be hard to find."
After laying down I turn to him from my pillow, "Iris encouraged me to talk to Dylan, she was worried that I'd started thinking there could be a chance for us in-light of this new information. I rang to arrange a coffee for tomorrow but before I could even ask we had segued onto the extent of my Dad's manipulations. How the threat wasn't his first or last attempt at controlling me through others, how at that time he had liked to use Dylan. Dylan denied that my father's attempts at stopping me from marrying Stuart was another example, he said he had been looking for motivation to jump in and stop the engagement. In his explanation he stumbled onto telling me that he really didn't want me marrying his ex alcohol provider and party drug dealer from when he was a kid."
Roy shakes his head, "you have never told me that which means you just found out. I'm all for giving people a chance to atone but you had the right to know that. Dylan either should have made Stuart tell you himself or have told you if he didn't. Your brother?"
"I don't know but I assume." I roll onto my back and look at the ceiling, "I'm not in the least bit surprised but I'm still shocked that I'm hurt. My father's actions don't account for this treatment. Do you think I was so horrible so insensitive that I brought this on myself? I know my counsellor would say no but I'm not sure what else can explain this. My brother letting me marry or maintain a relationship with someone without trying to give me the full story of his past when two year's prior he'd been upset that I had even slept with his best friend after dating him for six months. How do you go from that involvement that level of protection to complete ambivalence? And then a man who had supposedly loved me for two years, who at one stage I had been the only person he trusted. A man that claimed to know me better than anyone else, he was fine for me to fall in love with a potentially dangerous person without letting me know?"
"Love I don't know, but the woman I met that freshman year who I have spent the last year cherishing our friendship and thanking whatever being brought her into my life, she couldn't do anything to deserve that. Your therapist has emphasised with you repeatedly even if you had been a horrible person the adult response by people who claimed to love you was to bring it to your attention not cower behind the scenes and undermine you in every way, undermine your stability." I wipe under my eyes.
"I'm not shocked but I'm still crying." I push out what air remains in my lungs, "I hate that I'm still hurt by this."
"You've only begun to give yourself permission to mourn these relationships, it will take time. They were are foundational to you. Love maybe Iris is right and you should try to discuss this with them figure out the story from both sides. It won't forgive their treatment but it may help you to get rid of the hurt and move on properly."
As I think I let the quietness stretch between us, "no. It will just create more anger or sadness, none of them are willing to really explore their past and reflect enough to make changes; that was just left to me to do. It's not worth the energy to hear how they were so hard done by that it justifies taking their emotions out on me, how I had hurt them that they felt morally okay to send it back at me three fold, or that I was so irrelevant that they ignored my feelings altogether. It's why I can still talk to Kelly, she's never tried to apologise for Dylan not really, or the anger she had at me for him not needing her on his father's death. I respect the fact that she isn't defending the indefensible. She believes that they had something special and she chose that over our friendship, she believes at times I got in the way. I know forever where I stand with her. She'll never put our friendship before her own desires. There is comfort in knowing what to expect from a person, comfort in knowing that they aren't capable of anything real."
"Yes well you know how I feel about her-"
"You're just holding onto the anger that you unknowingly added to what she did to me, it wasn't your fault for asking her to audition and it wasn't her fault for accepting. It was though her fault for not respecting our tentative friendship enough to tell me before I found out on campus."
"Are you still planning on going out dancing with her on Friday night?"
"Yes. Colin's away again, and I want to go dance and have a drink before we start filming on Monday."
"I'd go…"
"But a club is not your scene. It's okay I'll be dancing, Kelly is usually happy to make it all about her and I'm fine with that. The only unfortunate thing about the night is if I want to drink in a club in the US before my birthday it has to be at the After Dark."
"Missing the British Empire my dear?"
"So much. I miss our home, the green fields, the fire crackling, the pub for a quick bite, hell I even miss your obsession with East Enders."
"Thank god they are being tapped and sent to me weekly."
Roy and my nattering went on until we both began to doze off. Our ability to speak openly about our lives mixing between the serious and the superficial reminded me so much of Brandon, Val and I. He was my family he loved me, and unlike every other person besides Iris who had ever claimed to love me he genuinely believed that by loving someone you put them first. As adults we loved in the same way.
Thursday and Friday had been full of training and final costume fittings before principle filming began on Monday. The day's were full of busy moments giving me no time to think and then long stretches of quiet, the latter is what I tried to avoid so I kept busy cooking up a storm. Nat needed his freezer restocked and Roy and I would benefit from some healthy dishes on those nights when filming would run late.
As I was getting dressed for the After Dark on Friday night Kelly rang my phone.
"Hi I just wanted to see if you would like us to pick you up?"
"Us?"
"Clare and Donna saw me getting ready and well it's been a little strained here recently." She hadn't admitted to them not speaking though we had only spoken once since dinner at her's but even then I doubt it would be something she would bring up- we never spoke of that time. "When they heard we were having a girls night they wanted to join. Do you mind?"
I love those questions. She had already said yes, they were organising their driving route, and I imagine they were nearly all dressed but what if I minded she'd tell them to not come? Great I wanted a night drama free of mainly dancing, I can't imagine that is how this will turn out. "No I don't mind at all." As I said the line with the right level of enthusiasm I kept thinking that I loved being an actress it came in handy in this town. "Thanks for the lift offer but Roy is dropping me off." I didn't add on his way to pick up a woman for a date.
"Okay see you in thirty minutes then. I have reserved us a table under Peach Pit Sorority, you know for old times."
A few minutes later I was walking down into our living room and Roy looked up from his reading of whatever studio documents required his attention today. "Okay so you are going full London I see."
"I don't look good?"
He comes up and kisses my forehead, "love you look incredible but you don't usually have all of your tattoos visible in LA. Now besides the shoestring ties what else is holding that top on on?" He walks around me, "your back is completely bare and while the skirt is not short it is a clingy and light material like the top-"
"It's a handkerchief top and well I know my new tattoo is healed but I thought it was still a good idea to make sure nothing rubbed it." He lifts his eyebrow and smirks, he knows I'm full of shit. "Fine I was wearing something else and then Kelly rang and said Donna and Clare were coming as well. I wanted an easy night now I'll be a little more on edge, I decided then to say fuck it. If I can't have easy then I'll at least be me."
"Well you look absolutely beautiful and RADA you, it's been a few months since you've gone out I forget how you dress to go out in London with your classmates."
"Well someone has been keeping me busy the last few months, and in fairness the outfit when I bought it at the start of summer at that boutique near Notting Hill it wasn't so clingy. I think my butt has lifted a little."
He quickly looks around me and lifts his eyebrows, "I'm ashamed with my workload that I haven't spotted this myself. Love what's happening to me?"
I laugh, "all work and no play makes Roy an unobservant male." He fakes concern, "come on we should go as you don't want to be late for your play date with the-"
He collects his keys and then holds out his arm for me to escort me to the car, "it's the lovely woman who cut my hair today. She's Irish from Limerick and well she thought I had lovely eyes, and no chance of hair loss."
"Oh well if she offered you chocolate or orange I'm sure you would have offered marriage on the spot. Getting two of your weaknesses instantly she must be special."
"Darling my eyes and my hair are my best features they must be protected and well fawned over."
"Of course."
"Darling we can't all be a walking goddess like yourself. Tonight in that outfit, I feel like I'm escorting Aphrodite herself to the car."
By the time Roy was dropping me off I was laughing loudly at his carry on. The man could lift me from any mood, make me feel beautiful and appreciated both inside and out. As I walked to the front of the line of the busy club the bouncer looked at me and then lifted his eyebrows. Nat as a co-owner made sure to tell me that he had gone to include me on the VIP list with the gang who all had walk in rights though much to my annoyance Val had seemingly beaten him to it. Immediately on giving my name I was let in, I ignored the groans from the crowd behind me.
The club was packed but when I walked in it was still easy to spot Val who was arranging the tables for the VIP area. It appeared that I was the first of the group to arrive, this early thing had it's draw backs. As I walked to the stairs of the roped area she saw and nodded at the bouncer, by the time he was putting the rope back in place after I had stepped up onto the platform level she was in front of me.
"Hey. I didn't know you would be here tonight, you look incredible. I'm guessing you are in the Peach Pit Sorority?"
"Yeah."
"Well all you need is Andrea and the five of you could have a reunion." I give her a look, not the six of us. Year's of friendship had left the ability to silently communicate still viable- she knew what I wasn't going to ask. "No Clare got honorary membership well I overheard Donna one day give it to her but no I'm not well liked by the girl's I've never been invited to join. They have never warmed to me, and only talk to me out of respect from Brandon."
The pain would probably not be heard by anyone else, Val could act nearly as well as me but I knew her. This wasn't bitterness but genuine pain that she was so unliked. I refused to get involved I was not going to rock the boat, my presence did that enough. As we got to the assigned table she looked at me, "it doesn't matter anyway I know what they are capable of from your letters. I may have wanted the sophomore and junior year gang as friends; I seriously thought of running away from home to come live with you and have them as my family back then, but senior, freshman year, and sophomore have reinforced that they aren't that anymore." As she calls a waitress over, "champagne?"
"Vodka and soda water please with fresh lime if you have any." She nod's and advises the waitress to use the top shelf and that for the rest of the night Nat's daughter drinks for free. When I go to open my mouth to protest she stops me.
"I spend more time with Nat than anyone else. Since you've been home he is happier and full of life, he looks healthier- must be your nearly daily walks together. He would insist, and well I'd insist as well but they'd be thrown in my face if they are from me. Actually scrap that, that's more my style you would just leave them untouched." I look down this conversation is not what I want. "Relax I'm not going to beg for forgiveness, or tell you it was an accident. It was on purpose, I wanted to lash out at you for leaving me here alone. I wanted to make you feel my anger. You know though it was me hurting myself, and well it was fucked up but that's me."
It was her, and I wouldn't of minded the lashing out on anything else except for him. "I didn't know you guy's got back together though. He never told anyone about it, well not till dinner the other week. I should of guessed though he ranted about you a couple of times in his drunken high state. He kept the calendar up set on the month you were supposed to come home- it was marked with your return date. When he was checked into rehab I went to his house to find his stash in case the police got a warrant. He kept photos of you in his draws, and in his Byron poetry book. There was also the programs of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof he kept one in the cabinet by the dining table the other in his bedside table. The latter had clearly been looked at a lot."
I had kept eye contact since she had told me she wasn't asking for forgiveness. "Val do you have a point?"
"Yeah I do. Dylan, Brandon and I we are fucked up. Dylan his demons are clear, your twin well his addictions are more subtle booze, gambling, girls, popularity, power he hides his functioning better behind his vail of self righteousness but he is addicted to whatever makes him feel good makes him feel important in that minute, and me well you know I'm multilayered fucked up. You don't survive my childhood home without it and well I'm extra messed up as I took the additional share to make sure my sister and brother were never exposed to my parents crazy."
I didn't know for sure but in freshman year I began suspecting what had been going on at Val's house. She never admitted it but she never told me that I wasn't on the right track. I encouraged her to move here, to get the fuck out of there. We had said we'd get a place and then London happened and her dad, we had spoken throughout it all but it was about her it wasn't appropriate for me to share my happy news or uncertain news that Dylan and I had got back together. When I told her I'd been invited to stay she had encouraged me to take it, when I commented that her voice was off she said of course she had been looking forward to arriving in LA with me not so far behind. She barely spoke to me again after that.
"The point though is your family, the three of us are flawed individuals who hurt themselves when in pain or when chasing their high. You've got stuck in the crossfire of that because you have been our rock-"
"I think you mean doormat. Val I don't need you to explain any of you to me. I get you all, I also get that you are just going to keep doing it- all of you. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result, I'm not insane I know what letting you all back in means more hurt, but I'm not a masochist either. I'm just choosing to bow out before you guy's keep doing it." From behind her I see the girls approaching and nod.
"We can change-"
I stand to say hello to the girls, "I hope so for all your sakes but no need to do it for me I'll be going home soon and have no desire to come back."
Kelly walks the last few feet, "sorry we are late."
I had arrived home in the early hours on Thursday morning and had spent the last thirty-six hours mainly writing. I had gotten home and pulled out my old typewriter and then considered where to start, the ideas were instantly in my head but my hands against the keys wouldn't work. It quickly became apparent to me why, this machine had helped me articulate nothing but falsehoods. I had romanticised a father that didn't exist, a soulmate so powerful that we had spent nearly a decade being acquaintances and nothing more, who when I wrote that rubbish was making me desperately unhappy and vice versa, and when we had separated after a disastrous attempt at more could barely keep even a slither of a friendship.
That machine would not write truth, it had been the tool I had used in my grief to imagine a world where I hadn't fucked up my life, where I could pretend there was still hope and where I hadn't thrown away the only person who had ever wanted me for me. My father had wanted the money, and even then before my recent realisation of her wanting Bren's life, I knew Kelly wanted me for the illusion's. She wouldn't have referenced the money publicly otherwise or been thrilled about being with the most handsome. The illusion's are what she liked, the quiet guy who liked to read or be in his head he was boring to her, she had left me in a village in France because of how boring he was.
After throwing out the machine of lies I had spent the hours until sunrise mapping out the screenplay using pen and paper. It couldn't be a mirror image otherwise she would see past any fake name and stop reading it but it could be close to it. I'd set it in college, I'd make us from the same city just different sides. I'd play up Jack's mob ties and maybe if it actually got made seek a Marchette take down through clearing my father's name and destroying his in the film. It would be our love story but it had to serve a bigger purpose it had to help Bren understand my failures, it had to help her understand that it was never her and it was always me. That I understood and that I was sorry for it all.
Waking from my early morning nap on the futon I decided I needed to go shopping. I needed something to start writing on and on looking around my house and feeling the pain in my neck from the barely there coach foam I needed to grow the fuck up. After a quick shower I went into my room and looked at my wardrobe, Brandon had told me what she had said about our clothes and looking at the sea of cream I could absolutely see why. It's funny how both Brandon and I had undertaken a clothes overhaul in our pursuit of Kelly. Subconsciously we both knew it wasn't the man under the skin that Kelly was after but the look of the man. I'd lost my shine in our first year of College when I had not wanted to undertake the college campus life, I had gained it back briefly when she realised my money could buy her respect from her professor. Brandon though had been gaining power on campus and I had been thrown aside in favour of his benefits, so she could play at First Lady of campus.
I looked at the clothes none of them me, I looked even at the ones purchased since that summer none of them me. I think back on how I bought clothes in sophomore and junior year, I shopped at my favourite surf shops or kept to my jeans and T-shirt, clothes were unimportant and they reflected usually my mood. Bren had never cared what I wore, like I didn't care about what she wore. She was stunning and all I wanted in a world of blonde rich fakes was my girl to be herself. I looked at the designer clothes in my wardrobe and considered which could I work on my bike in, what could I throw on still a little wet after surfing, and which made me feel like me. I quickly gathered all of them and put them in a couple of garbage bags, goodwill would hopefully find a home for them all.
Shopping had resulted in a new computer, a new couch, a new washing machine, and some new clothes. I'd then come home and looked at Iris' old room full of junk and rang a garbage pick up service. By the end of the day my second bedroom was no longer the junk space I had made it since my mother left in junior year and was now a study. My desk and computer now resided in there. My wardrobe while sparse held jeans, t-shirts, shirts and still held my long jacket from sophomore year, my leather jacket and then Bren's dresses. My laundry now had a working machine having never replaced it when the other broke in Senior year. Kelly thought it was because I liked the girl at the laundromat but in reality it was because Bren and I had once spent hours fighting with each other because I had forgotten the detergent. That room reminded me of her living here and how I had fucked it all up from that point.
On Friday when the couch was delivered my house looked like an adult lived here. It looked like me with my books on the shelves, my surfboards hanging up outside on the porch, two fern's bought on a whim to prove to her that I could keep something alive long term, that I could be trusted to take care of things. The cabinet by the dining table that throughout junior and most of senior year had pictures of Bren on it now had once again, but also my sister, my mum, my dad, the guy's, and then Brandon and I. Once the couch was in place I looked around the house, it wasn't Bren's style but that wasn't the point she would hate it if I did this for her. That I was recreating an image I thought she'd want. She would have seen through the lack of authenticity and run the opposite way. No I needed to remember myself, I needed to find the Dylan not running away, not trying to play pretend, I needed to find me.
The house, the wardrobe felt like home again and allowed me the headspace to disappear into my study and continue writing. It was a slow process not because the words wouldn't flow but because I realised that living a lie for so many years had made me struggle to find my truth. I'd write a scene and read back over it and see me trying too hard, trying to justify it all. After hours on hours of writing I had less than ten usable pages done. I was frustrated. In my annoyance I reached out to my old sponsor explaining my struggle in finding my voice.
Ben didn't laugh or show any emotion other than understanding, "Dylan truth is complex and for an addict even more so. We build up so many justifications and personal 'truths' in defence of our behaviour it becomes second nature. How many times have you told yourself or others that you didn't have a problem or could stop whenever you wanted? You believe it because to you it's your truth. If you are trying to write about yourself over these last few years I hope you are mentally and emotionally preparing yourself to deal with those personal truths you told yourself, the ones in hindsight you know were excuses to behave badly, to hurt people or to give up when things got too hard." I could hear his concern.
"You think this is a bad idea?"
"No the opposite. One of the steps in the program is to ask for forgiveness, you can't ask that of others if you can't give it to yourself, and you can't get either until you know what you are sorry for. This will help you figure that out but it will be hard and some truths you will fight to stay hold of because you won't want to accept the real motivations behind your actions. If you are serious about doing this then I'd say come back to meetings and maybe come down to the community center and chat to a counsellor. Unpacking our layers is hard for everyone but even harder for an addict. We tend to fear that darkness that hide's our pain."
"Okay I'll go to a meeting tomorrow morning and then daily if I need to, and head to the Center first thing Monday morning."
"Can I ask what's brought this on? Even after rehab last year you never wanted to look back only forward."
"Bren's home and-"
"You guy's are getting back together."
"No she wants very little to do with me. I'd say almost nothing at all. She thinks I'm going to keep repeating my patterns and well I didn't even know I was making them. Ben she's…"
"Dylan I know who she is to you I know how important she is to you. It didn't escape my notice that she leaves for Paris and your weekly attendance stops within two weeks, and then even on her return when you did turn up you never shared again."
"I cheated on her with her best friend that summer, I liked the attention and the lack of parental pressure. I blamed her for it, not the girl but I blamed Bren. I blamed her for Baja, for leaving me the summer before laying the seed that she'd leave me again, I blamed her for making it too hard, for giving her Dad the excuse he always wanted. I'd been perfect since she told me that Jim would stop us seeing each other if I kept drinking, I had been perfect doing everything right to make sure we could be together and then…" I take a breath, "then when she got back I blamed her for my distance, putting too much pressure on me to think of our future-"
His confusion is thick in his tone, "wait I thought you wanted to be together and then you are blaming her for wanting more?"
"It was like coming out of a haze those first few day's. I remembered it all. I could see that her parents would accept us. I could see she loved me and wasn't going to leave me. I thanked her friend for not letting it get too far for knowing what I'd remember on seeing her. Her friend was hurt and if she was hurt after a couple of weeks I knew Bren… it wasn't ever going to be okay. She'd leave me if she found out."
"So you emotionally began to check out getting yourself prepared for when she left you?"
"Yeah I think. That's the truths I don't know, so many of them I don't know for sure, which were sound decisions and which were driven by my fears."
"Dylan I think you do know." He's quiet for a second and then appears to change direction, "why did you stop speaking at our meetings? It's anonymous Brenda wouldn't have found out unless you invited her to attend."
"I stopped wanting to."
"Why?"
I take a breath and think, "I didn't want people to know I'd messed up. Our meeting were mainly regulars they knew Bren and my story they knew she had given me a home, that she was my family, that I loved her. They had met her at our meetings." I sigh, "I didn't want to say out loud that she wasn't too blame that it was me. That I had smashed us to smithereens and was trying to hold us together so I could get one more glimpse of happiness in the stillness. I knew that once the wind blew we'd be gone from that perfect couple forever, that I'd lose her."
"Dylan you weren't a perfect couple, maybe if you remembered that back then you would have remembered that you both had the biggest capacity to forgive each other. That you made a mistake but it not owning it you made it into something worse. How long did you wait to tell her?"
"Not till the end of February. With her best friend standing by my side and just after telling her that I chosen the friend over her."
"That would have been hard for her and for you. So since then she has wanted nothing to do with you?"
"For a week but then Jack and well she invited me back in. She remained my best friend after that until she left for London fifteen months later."
"Wow she forgave you in a week after months of betrayal. Imagine if you had told her when she got back?" I don't say anything I now know she would have forgiven me, "Dylan your trust issues are deep seeded, unpacking the layers of self protection, justification and blame you have laid onto those decisions in hindsight in order to live with them will be hard. For you to acknowledge your true motivations will be uncomfortable. If your goal is to do this quickly then I'm not sure you are thinking this through. Is the goal to break the cycle or write the story?"
The story would be pointless if Bren doesn't trust that I'm learning and actively stopping the repeat. "Breaking my patterns is priority."
"Even if it risks her not getting her story in the next two months?"
I take a deep breath and consider if I can't make this deadline, "yeah. I have no business in her life if I can't promise that it won't happen again. I can't make that promise until I know I've established other strategies to deal with my problems, that I know what my problems are. I love her enough to know that I may have to let her go rather then continue to risk hurting her."
"And what about you? Is this all for her?"
"It was to begin with but reading these pages and figuring out how much I'm hiding even from myself. When I left rehab I was done with it, I know I'll always be an addict but I don't ever want to get that way again. I can't have the life I want if I don't try to understand myself."
"And the life you want is with her?"
"Since the moment I laid eyes on her."
Ben and I chatted for a while longer, having completely abandoned AA after she left me I never returned again, not even after Jack and touching the bottle the night before the funeral. Instead of working my program I had eventually started writing, a much easier place to lie than in front of a room full of people. A room full of people who had at times heard your story and would know that there was no perfect father or soulmate that I had known and never wanted to admit to. No that room would have seen an addict spiralling. Ben knew parts of my story from the news and the occasional two minute phone call but he didn't know it all. I gave him the overview. He thought regular meetings and definitely counselling, I wanted daily he wanted what my counsellor would recommend.
By the time I was off the phone I was wrecked so I quickly heated up some leftovers and decided that I shouldn't try and write any more dialogue tonight. Instead I read Byron and began journaling a bit. Well I did that until Val rang to tell me my girl was tipsy, dancing and was surrounded by so many guy's that Val had assigned her a personal bouncer to watch over her. She was doing nothing but dancing and not even with the guy's but Val said I'd understand when I came. Before she hung up she told me to pack a bib that I'd need it for the drool.