Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.

Chapter Ten

I threw on jeans and a shirt and was in my car driving in a matter of minutes. When I approached the club the line of waiting club goer's was still long. There still was a few more hours till close, and under Val's leadership it had become one of the hottest clubs in LA, people would wait all night just to get in and be seen there. The bouncer instantly lifted the rope to let me walk in and within seconds I was feeling her out. The minute I locked on her I knew she felt it to, her shoulders stiffened. She must be tipsy as she would have normally known of my presence without my eyes having to be on her.

Val was right there was a sea of guy's around her and it was clear that while she may be dancing with Clare the majority of the eyes were on my girl. As I approached the dance floor edge I could see why, and why the bib was advised. Her top and skirt were made of a material that stuck to her as a second skin, and were almost a red that looked black in colour. Her long dark hair was out and made her milky skin appear like porcelain. She was dancing and as always was completely free and happy in the movement. She shone like a beacon of beauty, grace- what the fuck! My thoughts were interrupted as she turned around and I caught sight of her top in all it's nothingness.

It stopped within half an inch of the edge of her breast and clearly showed that a bra was not being worn. You could see a glimpse of its side profile and the rib cage covered in her new tattoo. If I looked at the other side I knew I'd see her others exposed, the one's that three weeks ago I had run my tongue over- they would be in view of everyone. Her back was completely exposed except for the strings keeping on the piece of cloth, and spread out like some beautiful pattern that made no sense were these small ink stains on her perfect skin. I had no idea what they meant but I knew Bren she wouldn't do anything so permanent unless they were meaningful to her. Her skin was a canvas of art forming a picture I was not privy to, it covered toned muscles that reflected strength. She was the epitome of beauty, grace, sex appeal and mystery. She was the essence of feminine power and it was obvious that I was not alone in that opinion.

"You should have brought the bib you are drooling on my floor."

I didn't even look at Val my eyes didn't want to abandon my girl she was too much of a dream being brought to life to do that. "She's safe? No one has tried-"

"Yeah the bouncer is there only to offer her support, a drunk guy got the idea to see if he could pull her ties she had him on his knees before the rest of us could even register what was happening."

I smiled at that. "After watching her train for an hour I'd expect no less, she can take care of herself-"

"When has she ever not been able to?" True she had always been the strongest person I've known but I also knew it cost her. Her bravado would seep out when safe and secure and she'd pay for that strength. Every asset had to be earned and hers were earned in the witching hours before she could find her deep sleep. I loved holding her in those hours, it was at those times I truly felt needed by her. I could lend my comfort to her and give her a safe haven to pay her debt.

I had first had that privilege after we left the Silver's in Palm Springs. When we had got back to our hotel for our first and last night there together. She had tossed and turned somewhere between sleep and consciousness but when I had wrapped her in my arms it had instantly stopped. In the next few years I'd learn that her being vulnerable enough to fall asleep was the hardest thing for her, she'd spent all her life taking baths, reading books and making sure everything was in its place to comfort her mind to rest but it still was a struggle and after heavy day's it was almost a battle she couldn't win.

Senior year the dark circles gradually started to appear, by graduation the circle's were almost tattooed under her eyes, and her body and even her hair would appear exhausted at times. My strong girl in her waking hours was able to sit through all the pain, betrayal and confusion I threw at her and that was condoned by her brother, but she paid for it each night. Why didn't I ask? Why didn't I reach out then?

The voice of my subconscious rises up whispering that I would have had to acknowledge that being in her life, not letting her go was slowly killing her, destroying her. I'd have to have acknowledged that if I truly loved her and was too insecure and scared to fight for her that I should have let her go. I should have stopped being her best friend I should have walked away completely giving her a clean break. I was too selfish to ever do that. Even now after telling Ben that I would if I couldn't guarantee I wouldn't hurt her again, even now I knew it was a lie. I'd never be strong enough not to want her, I would never be strong enough to let her slip out of my life, I'd only ever be able to hide from those emotions that desire to be close to her by keeping myself numb by keeping myself high.

"Where did you go?"

"To the reality of how opposite she and I are. I strip her of her strength and she is the source of mine."

"Only when you both fight against your connection. She never felt as secure and strong as she did in junior year." At that I finally break my eye worshipping of her to instantly look at Val, I need to see if she is being genuine. "Since I left Minnesota we have been constant pen pals. Being strong enough to walk up and comfort a petrol soaked lighter holding Emily, to be able to breakdown and deal with the holdup, she wrote about it all. She knew in the former that if Emily had dropped that lighter that she had experienced a love that people waited a lifetime for. She said that she thought that being blessed with it, blessed with you, it gave her a responsibility to honour that gift being selfless to help someone. That if that had been the end she would have been fine with it she knew what true love was. The holdup she acknowledged that she'd have bottled it up, that she would never have cracked if it wasn't for you. You gave her a safety net that she knew that she could fall apart, she got past that event so quickly because she knew you'd never let her fall."

Fuck that hurt. I close my eyes and turn back to my Angel. "Yeah well less than three months later I was fucking burning that net myself. She fell for nearly two year's and I did nothing to help her. I doubt she'd write that to you now."

With that I watch her get delivered a shot and a soda water, she takes the shot as well as I used to take mine and then sips on her soda whilst continuing to dance. "At least she is staying hydrated she shouldn't be too drunk if she keeps doing that."

Val laughs, "that's vodka and soda. She is close to her tenth drink I think. She had a couple with the blondes over there." She nods to the table where Kelly and Donna looked to be in a heated argument, "but whatever they have been arguing about for most of the night moved her and eventually Clare to the dance floor. She's been drinking like a fish ever since. She was tipsy when I called you twenty-five minutes ago, I imagine once she finishes that glass she'll be closer to drunk though she surprisingly holds her alcohol well for someone so tiny. Regardless of how well she holds up I'm not leaving her vulnerable with those women, I'd take her home myself if I thought she'd let me but that doesn't seem likely. So it was either you or Brandon as I don't have Roy's number, and well Brandon is still learning to regulate his self righteousness he is more likely to destroy whatever tentative inroads he has made with her if I called him."

I nod, Brandon would most likely get on her case or give her a look of concern about her drinking. Considering the last three day's she has had I'm not surprised blowing off steam is what she needed. For him he'd know such a binge would trigger his addiction tendencies- he'd like the escape too much, but Bren wasn't at risk of our disease she liked order and facing her demons head on, she didn't run from then. She was indulging wanting an escape but it didn't call to her in the same way it called to consume me, it wasn't so subtly seductive to her as it was to Brandon. "Just make sure she is safe and comfortable for when she sobers up. I'd warn you aga-"

My murderous glare stops her from finishing the sentence, she gives me a look of apology. Bren was safe with me, her physical safety had never ever been at risk it's just her heart and soul that I damaged. I move away from Val after that and make my way to the edge of the dance floor, as I get closer she quickly swallows the majority of her drink. I move up behind her and wrap my arm around her taking the now empty glass, "it won't help. There isn't enough alcohol in the world that could stop you feeling me, believe me I've tried, and tried with harder substances." As I whispered into her ear she had stopped moving.

"Well I guess it's my bodies warning signal that danger is approaching; must be left over from when we lived in the jungle."

Clare had gradually moved away from us and had walked to Val who was chatting to the bouncer that had been keeping her safe. The men though were still too close and were now looking at me like the predator that had gotten their prey. I almost wanted to laugh at their naivety, if they knew how dangerous she was both physically and because once you had fallen in love with her you would be incapable of ever really letting her go.

"And before it was a warning signal it was your bodies way to let you know that the love of your life was near. I guess it's not your body I need to convince it already knows, it already wants me close like mine wants yours. I guess it's your brain your perception of me that I need to convince that I'm not a danger."

She laughs, "well I'm at no risk of that ever happening then." She turns in my arms, "I have to give you credit, you've managed to talk to me longer tonight than the last two times without having whacked me with another truth from our past. Though you've always liked the chase more than the catch so I imagine with these guy's around you've brought your A game." She then looks me up and down, "and a new wardrobe to play in. What happened to the beige? Did my grandfather call for his clothes back?"

I give her a smile, Bren was sassy a lot of the time but she was only catty when threatened; a hotel in Palm Springs the first time I'd ever seen her do it. My presence was getting to her and she wasn't acting her way through it this time, I was seeing my girl without her filters.

"You know you could have told me you didn't like my clothes, no need to go through our brother."

"Our? I think for three years now he's been more yours than mine. Genetically we share DNA but I think that's where our connection stops, or are you going to tell me I'm wrong and he didn't know about Stuart's and your past?" I don't say it but I confirm the truth of her assumption in my apologetic face. "Yeah that's what I thought, excuse me I've seemed to have finished my drink."

As she moves to walk away I grab hold of her waist, she instantly turns back and with cold eyes glares at me. "I'm not your property I never was, and while my brother has always taken his cues from my controlling father and treated me as a doll to move around I'd advise you not to pick up their patterns."

"I was merely going to ask if you would like me to get it so you can continue to dance." She raises her eyebrow she knows that it's true but not the full story and waits to hear the rest, "fine you may have received a weak shot in a tall glass if you had let me get it for you."

"You wanted me to wonder if there was even any alcohol in my drink, if it was all in my head." She gives me an amused smile, "that is the perfect drink from you, it's the perfect description of your brand of control. Give me a little of what I want to keep me around but leave me completely unsatisfied and confused as to whether it's real. Fuck I'm calling that style of drink the Dylan, I wonder if I can convince Nat to put it on the menu here." She walks away after that, I don't try and stop her.

She is getting poured a second shot at the bar by the time I approach her. "What did the girls do? You wouldn't be drinking and risking letting them see you if they hadn't done something."

"They've seen me since I've been back."

"Bren they've seen the Brenda character you have played for them, though I doubt they know that." I watch her take the shot and wait patiently.

"It doesn't bother you to see me drink? Be around alcohol now?"

"I drink and do drugs to escape the life I hate, I don't hate this life when you are around when your eyes are on me."

"Well that's not true is it. You drank junior year-"

"And immediately stopped when you told me that if I didn't I'd lose you, and I had only started because we were apart from each other I felt I had nothing left."

"And the drink the night before the funeral?" That one shocks me, and my surprise must register on my face. "Who do you think went downstairs and tidied up the evidence and topped up the bottle with a little water so my Dad didn't know?"

"You didn't say anything though?"

"You stopped yourself and you didn't try again for the day's you were there. We weren't together I had to give you space to see if you could stop yourself without me, if I felt you couldn't then I would have said something."

"You trusted me not to relapse?"

"Dylan back then when you wanted to the drinks would have no power over you. You showed me that, you stopped in that hotel room after your fight with Jack, you stopped Junior year when I asked, and you stopped yourself that night." She calls the bartender over and I worry it's for another I'm relieved when she asks for a water. "You can stop when you want, you have that stubbornness. I didn't know if last year was different that it had left you, I guess it didn't. I guess you didn't want to stop that summer, you wanted the excuse not to reply you wanted the excuse to forget me, forget us again."

I take a deep breath okay we were going there, "yes. I wanted to run away from how I had stuffed up our lives again. This time I hadn't sabotaged our life by running away from our family instead I had by running towards a fake one."

"Bad timing I guess, or maybe it's not, maybe the universe was trying to send a message that we don't belong together. That we would be happier apart."

"I'm not. I never have been. Are you?"

She looks at me, "I'm living my dream, I'm gaining respect from my colleagues, I have friends I trust. An honorary mother who is my best friend, an honorary father who respects and values me even if I don't get to see him often, a man who I adore who loves me and who I love, a little sister that keeps me laughing. I think I've got a pretty good life." Iris, Nat, Roy and Erica, I don't think it's a coincidence that her family includes three of mine.

"But are you happier?"

"Than freshman- fuck yeah! Than senior year- it's not even worth a response."

The bar gets crowded with a large group moving off the dance floor to get a drink, I move closer and lean down and whisper in her ear. "Are you happier than you were under that tree trying to force feed me fries? Are you happier than when you realised why I was requesting so much from you with my broken ribs? Are you happier than when you were listening to classical music with me, or laying next to me giving blood? Are you happier than when I was insi-"

"Moments don't make a life especially one's that are mixed with so much distrust-"

"Junior year wasn't, nor sophomore year."

"Wonderful eighteen months of good with the rest of the five years shit. Fuck you should go into sales if that's your argument."

"Are you happier?"

"Yes I'm no longer living a lie, I'm no longer surrounded by people who are fake. I'm no longer unknowingly relying and trusting two men who are master illusionists who had me convinced to my core that they loved me." She looks over at the blonde's, "I'm no longer dealing with pettiness, and I'm no longer required to genuflect when Kelly walks into the room."

"What did they do tonight? I'm surprised they are even out together everyone is angry at-"

"Oh please say Kelly please say Kelly…" her mocking is clear and we are back to cattiness but at least it's real. "You guy's are a joke, two years and now you want to get angry at her. Why? What is it going to prove? Who is it going to help? Donna tried to fucking drag me into this shit and I told her to leave me the fuck out of it. If any of this was real it would have happened back then." She looks over at the two of them and back at me, "this is drama queens starved of drama. This isn't about me it's about the fact that you all live so much in each other's pockets here that you have run out of fucking conversation."

"Maybe Donna is trying-"

"Has Donna called Brandon for my number since that dinner? Has she realised that this best friend she claims she is is a lie, that it took three letters to get even one from her this last year? This over there and this here," she nod's in my direction, "has nothing to do with me this is your fucking ego's being hurt by Kelly for not choosing, it's Donna scared that Kelly is making a life as a model without her and her fear that she'll be left behind."

"You think this is my ego?"

"When has it not been? You told me that out the front of my gym three weeks ago that I didn't want you so you stayed with Kelly. Your ego couldn't handle being alone and now your ego can't handle her turning down you and a luxury world trip. Understandable you went from getting to choose, dragging it out for weeks like some sick fucking competition, and then it was her turn. I guess she didn't get the soulmate memo that she was supposed to choose you, but I think you knew that… I mean why else did you have to offer a free gift with purchase. Anyway when your ego is healed you'll be back declaring that you love her."

"I love y-"

"Dylan you love yourself."

Fuck I'm starting to feel drunk, and standing here was not helping. That last shot was a fucking mistake. Shit I never drank like this, I fucking hate this town. I'm sounding too bitter and I don't want to, I try chanting he doesn't deserve my real emotions, he doesn't deserve my real emotions. It doesn't help.

"Bren I love you. I'm going to prove it to you-"

"Of course, I'm sure the idea of the chase is getting you all excited. Tell me does it matter that I don't want to be caught by you?"

"Yes it matters but I just want the chance to prove I'm changed-"

"Baby a new wardrobe isn't fucking change." Shit I said baby. I need out of here. Roy he's on a date and knowing him he'll be out all night. The girls yeah fuck no. The bartender walks past, "hi where's the closest cab stand?"

"Bren I'll drive you. I don't like the idea of you getting into a cab."

"Miss I can call one for you as there isn't one close by. Though at this hour they are usually pretty busy so it may take forty minutes to get here."

I miss London so much.

"Bren I can drive you home?"

Fuck, I look at the patient bartender waiting for me to decide. "Thanks for the information." I then reach into my small bag that they have been holding behind the counter while I danced, being a VIP had its perks and passed her a fifty. "Thank you for the drinks tonight."

"Val said Nat's daughter doesn't pay."

"It's a tip. Thanks again."

I know as I walk out that he is less than a step behind. I don't bother saying goodbye to the blondes but I give Clare a subtle nod goodbye as she stares over Val's shoulder at me. When we get to the car he opens the door for me. God I loved this car.

When he climbs in his side he looks at me, "where would you like me to take you?"

"The Chipper please."

"The what?"

"I need hot chips and brown vinegar or maybe mayo."

"I'm assuming you mean fries with vinegar and mayo. The fries are easy to get but the condiments, well I have mayo at home and white vinegar." I lift my brow, he then attempts to answer my unspoken question, "Iris got me into using vinegar as a natural disinfectant, it's better for the environment but if it can clean counters and kill germs I don't think you should be putting it on food you are going to eat."

"I was referencing your assumption that I would be going home with you."

"I didn't mean it like that, we can get fries and I can drop you back at your house. I just need the address."

"Private investigator didn't give it to you?"

"No he told me your studio information but no home address or cell. I think he was worried that I was a crazy ex." I lift my brow again, "I'm not crazy just motivated to reclaim my life, to get back the love of my life."

I laugh, "which is better to you, love of your life or soulmate? I mean title not woman."

"You know she's not my soulmate. Do you know when I said it to her that I clarified that it was because we had similar upbringings that we understood each other, I couldn't even pretend it was about love. For those fifteen months that we were on and off I could never say I love you to her. Regardless though that title is ruined I made it into a joke and I wouldn't disrespect you by giving it to you and I-"

"What, and I thought you were all environmentally friendly, I'm surprised that you don't want to recycle it." Okay drunk and angry, I can hear the bitterness coming through. Chips and bed and no more talking.

He ignores my bitter interruption, "I knew I loved you or that I would fall in love with you from the moment I laid eyes on you. I knew that I could never get over it when it didn't lessen but only grew once you left me after our scare-" I'm not listening to this rewrite of history or empty promises.

"Our scare, oh are you claiming a stake in that now?" He turns and glares at me quickly before looking back at the road, I've hit a nerve. "In that car when I was all confused and didn't know if I should continue to carry on, forget about it like you evidently had wanted to do- because seriously who brings their girlfriend to park the same night and then instantly begins to make out with them, oh and then gets frustrated when she's not into it? Anyway regardless of that, it was when you told me that I had had a scare, not we but me. It was the singular that had rung through in your words. Then again you tuned out for the whole process. I'm surprised you even came to the doctors though the only contribution you added was should I go on the pill. Why do you think I was so shocked that you cared about the article, you had never been interested it the situation before?"

"That's not fair."

"Dylan you got angry at that article but didn't even consider my words. Why do you think I was writing about feeling so alone during it? Kelly was my only real support she's the one who helped me then."

"I was a teenager-"

"And so was I. But I was the teenager who you've continued to blame for leaving you that night, who fed your insecurities. Have you ever fucking asked if you were doing anything to make me stay? No because it was all on fucking me. You were the hard done by one which gave you permission what a week later to run down to Baja with someone else? And you were the hard done by one that next summer which gave you permission to fuck around with Kelly." I want the fuck out of this car, drinking has opened pandora's box and I need it to fucking shut. "Take me home please I don't need the fries-"

She was finally talking to me and I knew I needed to hear it I needed to understand otherwise I'd never have a hope in hell. I knew she wasn't lying about the singular I knew Bren wouldn't have held onto that, written her article like that if I had been supportive. No wonder in Baja she was so hurt about the girl, it was just another reminder that I had run scared and left her to deal with that. I had gone down there two weeks later on a whim and while nothing happened I had gone there. I blamed her for the breakup and even now I was writing about being abandoned but I abandoned her first. She dealt with the whole thing without me, no wonder it was too scary, no wonder she didn't know what we were all about.

"I don't want to stop hearing you, we've never talked about these events and-"

"And what we are going to go back and fix it? We are four year's too late for that Dylan, it's done we are done."

"If we were done why did you tell me a year ago that you'd always love me, that you'd never get over me, couldn't love anyone else but me? Was it a lie?"

"Dylan just take me home I live on the bird streets."

I pull over, "I'd like an answer first. Was it a lie?"

"Is your ego feeling small, are looking for a boost?"

I ignore the cattiness she's threatened and I know I'm putting her in a corner she's bound to attack but I need to know. "Was it a lie?" I hold her eyes, finally she gets that I'm not moving till I get an answer.

She breathes out, "no but it wasn't fucking healthy you aren't healthy for me."

"If I could be healthy, if I could-"

"Don't don't promise me things you aren't capable of you've done that to me for five years. Just let me go, let me enjoy the happiness I have found. Let me remember that first love in all it's beauty and flaw's as a fairytale not meant to carry on, incapable of lasting but magical for its moments. Dylan let us have our past, go make your future with Kelly or someone else."

"You know that is not how this works, we'll try but with anyone else we will fail. They won't ever be you and they'll never make me feel… you own me. Their appeal may dance along the surface but I'll never make space for them deep down I'll never be capable of giving all of me. They'll eventually realise that and they'll resent me. At that locker I gave you it all, you'll forever be the love of my life no one can come close to that-"

"But you can still love someone else, go and do that and leave me in the past. It's what I want."

I reach out and pick up her hand, the current runs through us and I know she feels it when I see her bite her lip. "I can be healthy. Baby we aren't even twenty-one yet don't let the mistakes of a stupid, scared and selfish teenage destroy our lives. I can-"

"I don't trust you, I don't trust myself with you. It's ingrained in me now, it's etched on me. It's not going to change."

It's etched on her? I instantly see the ink, I reach out with my free hand and gently lift her arm up and then run my finger up the feather to where it turns into tiny birds. "What does this mean?" She rolls her eyes, "Bren it's etched on you. What does this mean?"

Her tone tries to pass it off as if I'm way off base, "the feather strength and growth, and the birds hope and freedom."

Having loved poetry all my life the symbolism was easy to decipher. "You want to be strong enough to grow past me, in the hope that one day you'll be free of me." She swallows I can feel it rolling off her through our connection that this is not something she wanted me to know, to pick up on. "You got it after we made love, you got it because you know that you can't move on either-"

"No I got it because I was capable of walking away that night and the day's after, I got it because I'm growing and I'm getting stronger. It's a reminder that I don't need you, that I will one day be free of this."

"You hope to one day be free. Baby you know that it won't be the case, you know that you may find happiness with someone else but the part of you that's mine will whisper that you'd have been happier with me. That you will always imagine the incredible life that we would have had. That if we don't try it will be the single biggest regret of our lives. That all the happiness we may find in this life will be clouded because we know we could have had more, that we could have had everything."

I turn in my seat and lift my hands to her shoulders like I did when I told her I wasn't saying no. "I'm going to get healthy, properly this time. I won't keep slapping bandages on the wounds and pretending I'm better. I won't ask you to wait or to promise anything, I won't ask you to give me anything more than you already have. You have already given too much for us, for me, but I just I want you to know that when I ask again, when I ask you to trust that I can give you that life that we were meant to have that I know we can be magical again. I want you to know I won't risk you, I won't put you through this again unless I know that I've broken my patterns."

"Dylan I don't want that, get healthy but get healthy for you. We are over, I'm done."

I look into her eyes and process her words trying to decide how much truth is there. "You aren't done yet but you're close to it-", she goes to deny it but I stop her cold. "Otherwise why did you call me on Wednesday night? Why do you care that I didn't tell you about Stuart or that I offered Kelly a trip? You can act all you want but we aren't done yet and that means we have a chance. There is hope."