Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.
Chapter Eleven
I woke up on Saturday with a head that was pounding and a desire for coffee and all the greasy food known to man. Fuck I hate hangovers. As I shower to wake up and attempt to look… well decent may be pushing it but I'd gratefully take looking alive, I have flashes of the night before. Giving Donna a firm keep me the fuck out if it- I'd laugh at the memory of her shocked face as it rises up from my blurry night but it would hurt my head too much. Popping two Advil and finding the darkest sun glasses I have I look in the mirror. Tight jeans, dark Doors T-shirt, hair out and a red lip, the latter to give the illusion that my paleness is a look rather than Celtic genetics.
As I get in the black Saab convertible I decide the top down is best for my hangover, even with my anger at the brightness of the California sunshine. Driving down the hill to the Beverly Hills flats my flashes continue. Clare and I dancing- she I like, too bad she lives with the other's it would be way to hard to determine if she is trust worthy to let us be actual friends. The dick who was on the floor with a twisted hand even before he was able to touch one on my straps. The booze, that one nearly makes me want to pull over. Dylan. The many flashes of Dylan.
Feeling him grab me from behind, his whole body against mine. The flash of enjoyment in his eyes when I commented on his wardrobe, like he was glad I was being a bitch. The Dylan drink, that one I had to tell Roy he will love that, well once he unwraps himself from this new girl. At the bar where he whispered in my ear sending tingles through every nerve ending. Thankfully when I start flashing to the car I pull up and park, and then quickly enter the restaurant. If I can avoid thinking of that car, of his words, of his realisation of my tattoos, of his declaration, his promise I'll be happy- I should of waited the forty minutes for the cab.
"Brenda Sweetheart I didn't know you were dropping by, are we walking today?"
I look at Nat but don't remove my glasses, "no I just need coffee like all the coffee and maybe an orange juice, oh and a fry up like with everything."
As I softly spoke he got a look on understanding, "sure thing honey. You feeling worse for wear today?"
"I feel like a cement roller has squished me in an attempt to make Brenda puff pastry."
He's a good man when he holds in his usually loud belly laugh and instead does an internal chuckle that shakes his shoulders. "Come on honey let's get you a stool at the end of the counter furthest away from the jukebox and downwind from the smells of the grill."
I give him a thankful smile and wrap my arm around him, "I love you. You are the best."
"Anything for my Laverne."
I'm on my second coffee and finished half an orange juice when they arrive. I don't even need to look over to the carpark entrance to confirm it, they'll walk through the doorway next to the jukebox in a second. I sigh, I don't have the energy to move and in reality until I get a piece of bacon in my stomach I'm staying put. Nat gives me a sympathetic look, I give him a frustrated smile. They are behind me in twenty seconds.
"Sis I know California is sunny but it's no so sunny you need sunglasses inside."
"Thanks for the fashion advice Brandon but I think a man who wear's more checkers than a Fourth of July picnic shouldn't be doling it out."
He sits down, "I'm guessing the drinking was not exaggerated."
I don't even bother looking at the big mouth who filled him in, the one hovering behind me. "Yeah well going to the chipper usually helps take the edge of the hangover but I skipped it last night." I take a sip of coffee as I hear the man behind me scratch his head. "Will you stop hovering and take a seat. I won't rip your head off for your shitty behaviour of trying to get a drunk girl to discuss shit that I didn't want to talk about, I'm too fucking busy drinking all the coffee."
He climbs into the chair next to me, "sorry it wasn't my intention to bring it up but when you-"
I instantly look at him and lower my glasses slightly down my nose, "I said sit down. I didn't say give a half ass apology that lays the blame on me." I push my glasses back up and turn back to my coffee.
"Sis you're in a mood today."
"Yeah well I had a shitty night, and I can't go take my anger out in the gym throwing knives until I no longer need the sunglasses to see. If you are planning on sitting here you'll have to brace yourself for the grumpiness." As I finish I see Nat walk towards me with a large plate of breakfast, "Nat I love you. Have I told you that today?" I ignore Dylan's fake cough to hide his chuckle and Brandon's annoyed sigh, both I assume at my instant genuine sweetness at my honorary father.
"Only four times sweetheart but you know I love to hear it so keep it coming." He sends me a silent question with his eyes asking if he should take their orders or move them to a table, I give him a subtle head nod telling him it's okay. Once their orders are taken and both have coffee and mine is filled up again he moves away.
"So Nat you're sweet to?"
"Nat takes care of me. He's sweet, brings the coffee and the bacon."
"Hey if you need taking care of sis I'll hire Dirty Dancing and set up a bed on the couch for you, we can watch movies till you are feeling better."
"I won't be feeling better until I get the hell out of this town."
"You hate it here that much? It used to be your home."
"Yeah I'm not sure about that. I think your home should be full of people who care about you-"
"Casa Walsh was-"
"Brandon if you tell me Mum and Dad cared about me then I'm going to warm up my knife throwing arm by using you as a target. They cared about making their life size perfect doll of a daughter, and spent my four years here subtly criticising me for not being that." I sip some juice, "do you know they walked in on me crying one day and I admitted that I was desperately unhappy, probably the closest I got to saying I was depressed. Do you know what they did brother dear?"
His quiet tone tells me he is bracing for a hit of reality. After being on the end of them the last few weeks it's nice to return the favour. "No I don't."
"Mum jokingly whispered to Dad that she thought that I had finally lost it. It was like they were waiting for it to happen, enjoying the show of me spiralling into my depression, waiting to see when I was finally going to break. After they stared at me for a bit they finally told me that I should go have a bath. Yeah great caring, great home. Let's cure depression with warm water." I ignore in my peripheral vision Dylan's fist that is now squishing up a napkin.
"Okay well Mum and Dad, yeah they gradually changed as you got older they could never handle you growing up-"
"They couldn't handle me being my own person."
"Yeah well I cared I care, and I'm your twin so wherever I am you'll always be home." I don't even bother to answer that and just take my last bite of my breakfast. I sip my coffee and then stand up. "Bren?"
I look at Dylan, "you should probably fill him in on the fact that I know my caring brother had no issue with me marrying a children's drug dealer. You know it might help him understand that he still has some work to do on realising that his memories are a delusional version of The Hartley House, they weren't even close to my reality. Enjoy your breakfast."
I go around the counter and quickly give Willie a thank you hug for my much needed breakfast and then move to Nat where I give him a hug and slip him some cash for breakfast, which he tries to hand back.
Two hours later I'm in the gym sweating out the alcohol and working my way to closing Pandora's box that was opened last night. I only return home when it's done and I know I've got a handle on my emotions again. I'm in the kitchen freshly showered and eating a protein snack of Greek yoghurt with a drizzle of honey when Roy stubbles in mid afternoon.
"Date went well I see."
"She was lovely so much so I'm going on a second one tonight."
"Wow that's rare for you. So we like her?"
"Let's not get carried away. She's fun and can hold a conversation. How was your night with the girls?"
I sigh and then run through it all. He gives me a proud that's my girl at me bringing the guy to his knees, laughs loudly at my new cocktail menu half shots in tall glasses, and he hugs me as I tell him about Dylan's declaration.
"Sweetheart are you okay?"
"Yes I just want out of this town. I want to be long gone before he deludes himself into believing that he can make good on such a promise-"
"Maybe he-"
"No he'll convince me, he's right there is still a fraction as much as I denied it repeatedly last night that wants to hope. But he'll just do it again. Whether it will be me refusing to live here, his annoyance at any media attention from the movie, me having to kiss costars, or because the day ends in y. Whatever bullshit excuse he gives he'll do it again, and I'm stupid enough when it comes to him to give him access to do it. I need out of here before that is even a possibility."
"Well we start filming on Monday and if all goes to plan well finish with the studio green screen here in six weeks time."
Nothing ever goes to plan my life in LA is never smooth. On day three of filming I'm in a fight scene with three others, and an over eager actor decides to not pull their kicks like they are supposed to. I end up being pushed forward enough to trip over the other actors outstretched leg. While I luckily don't break my ankle from the fall it's enough to cause a bad sprain that has me needing to stay off it for two weeks. Roy works around the ankle as much as possible, we film parts of the silks, the bike scene, the close up combat scenes that only show me from the waist up but it delays filming none the less and has us here now till Thanksgiving.
The delay is even more frustrating because my injury has resulted in deliveries every few day's. Flowers at first, then a book of poems with a note to say I'm sure my injury is frustrating me but to take my mind of it I should get frustrated at these old guy's instead. The third gift had been a copy of Live Aid on video with a note saying he knew I liked Woodstock so much that he hoped that this might keep me busy and off my ankle. Roy and I couldn't figure out how he had sourced the copy of the concerts but it had been playing nightly ever since. He was frustrating as hell.
She stayed firm in her being done the whole way to her house, the house she refused to let me go through the gate of. The one she insisted I drop her off at the driveway that gave me no indication of the type of place she lived in. I tried arguing with my stubborn woman but I knew I had already pushed her further out of her comfort zone tonight and I didn't want to make her upset. While she didn't let me past the gate I kept my headlights on the driveway as she walked up it. I wanted to make sure she was safe but I couldn't help but wonder as I was presented with the view of her back what all the tattoos meant. Were they all about me? Did she get them after specific events like our night together? As we had nothing like that once she left LA were they after I disappointed her, hurt her again? She had a few, her ankle, wrist, shoulder blade, and one on each side of her ribs, did she need that much reminding that she should be done with me, or were they each a step closer to her finally closing the door on us forever, closing the door and locking it?
The next morning I rang Brandon who had already been given some of the nights highlights from Val, we agreed to meet at The Pit for breakfast so I could fill in the gaps. When I arrived I saw Roy's car the one he had been driving that day at the studio. As I sat silently bracing myself for whatever confrontation I'd have with Bren's British best friend, guard dog, boss, and love Brandon pulled up.
"D we going inside?"
"Roy's here. That's his car." He looks at me strangely noticing my hesitation.
"Okay well does he have something to be pissed at you for?"
"Yeah I may have tried to get her to talk, not at first, at first she started it but I kept it going even when I knew she wanted to stop."
He looks at me with annoyance, "Dylan."
"I know I know but she wasn't in character last night she was completely Bren, I could finally see and feel her genuine emotions." He just shakes his head and pulls open the door. As we walk in the back entrance past the toilet's I'm hit with it, "your sister is here."
"Have I told you how much I hate that you know that and I still don't?"
Like a compass pointing north I instantly find her and to my relief it looks like she was alone. Roy didn't scare me beyond the fact that I knew he controlled production, he could wrap LA as quickly as he wanted and bring her back to the UK to film the rest. He loved her enough to throw away the money and do what he felt was best for her, he didn't think I was best for her.
As I walk over to her I keep my eyes firmly on her. She looks like a rockstar wearing a t-shirt with what looked like a Jim Morrisons face on it, her hair out in waves down her back, her lips red guiding my eyes to where I wanted to kiss her, and her dark sunglasses those I imagine had nothing to do with image and everything to do with too much vodka. As I stood behind her I breathed her in. It didn't look like Roy was here but maybe the orange juice was his. Should I sit down? Did she want us to join her? Is me being in her space so soon helping or hindering my case?
When I calmed down to focus on the dialogue between the twins I wanted to kick Brandon for immediately jumping on her case for drinking, even if it was attempted in a subtle way. I then wanted to kick my ass for my apology. It wasn't going to be a shot at her but rather me admitting I had carried it on past the point I knew she wanted it stopped, she stopped it before I could get to that point. Her less than impressed stare told me that it would be best if I was an observer of this breakfast conversation not a participant, though hearing about Cindy and Jim's response to finding her crying and then making light of it, like her mental health was a joke made my blood boil. I managed to stay silent throughout out it but my inside cheek and the napkin bore the brunt of my displeasure.
When Brandon pushed and glossed over her feelings, a characteristic I had been just journaling about as I form my character's profile. A characteristic she told me came through in their twin study; she was perceptive and was constantly aware of the emotions around her, he glossed over them too uncomfortable to even register them. Since I had recalled that memory of one of our first dates when I had asked her about being a twin I had been looking at B's behaviour over the year's, it was spot on, and even now he was doing it. Rather than accepting her viewpoint, her emotions, her lack of connection to a place that had effectively dissolved her twin bond, had shined a light on her parents need to control her at the expense of everything she loved, a place that saw her go from being loved to be rejected by her friends for unknown reasons to all, a place of absolute betrayal, and a place that had broken her heart, her soul and nearly broken her mind- but yeah Brandon's twin thing, that he even as we walked in admitted wasn't functioning normally, was supposed to counter all that.
I wasn't surprised when she stood up, I was surprised though that she wanted me to deal with B. I didn't know if it was a sign of trust or a simple lack of energy to continue to chip away at the walls of delusion that Brandon throws up when he was uncomfortable. Nat delivered our breakfasts immediately after she left with his now permanent look of disappointment. Her quickly eating and running he knew was our fault. "Sorry Nat."
"I finally got her back eating in the restaurant, it was her first time. You boy's couldn't have gone for a light conversation like music or something?
"I didn't think-" I cut Brandon off.
"We'll get better. We have limited time with her here and we are eager to make it right."
"Yeah well maybe channel that eagerness into making her feel comfortable around you both rather than her having to be constantly on guard."
I nod and he walks away, "I thought I was giving her comfort. We used to always tell each other that we were each other's home that we'd always have each other."
"Yeah Jones until she spent two year's… well you know your relationship but regardless of that she was saying how she felt and you dismissed it and told her she was wrong."
"No I didn't."
"Yeah she said this wasn't her home and was honest about why she felt that way, rather than registering that you just told her it's her home because it's yours. Considering the state of your relationship man and the fact you prioritised everyone else over her for two years, well I don't think that's going to be a comfort or ring true to her."
He breathes out. "Okay I get it. How did you get so…"
"It's the writing I'm trying to write down everything I remember, I'm trying to do it from everyone's point of view. Understanding their motivations. I dropped her off last night and I've been writing ever since-"
"You haven't slept man?"
"I got an hour on the couch but I woke up remembering the car the night she broke up with me in sophomore year." He gives me a look, "I referenced our scare last night and she went off at me. In my teenage mind I thought I had been doing everything right. I didn't push when she said she was going with the girls to get a test, I didn't think I should push to say I wanted to do that with her. That it should be me waiting to see the results… what happens if it had been positive did I really want Donna and Kelly to know I was going to be a father before me?" I shake my head and tap my cup in my hands, the one holding the last mouthful of coffee.
"I'm sure you know what I said at the doctors when it was a false alarm," he nod's. "What you don't know and what I didn't realise I did that night, until she told me on the way home last night, was that I told her that she had a scare. I had defaulted all responsibility to her the girl, to Kelly to support her and then I wanted to pretend it didn't happen go on like normal, when she couldn't I made it her her problem, her scare. When she dumped me a few minutes later she said she didn't know what we were about anymore. I never really understood that until now. She was saying that she didn't know if I'd become the guy who was just after one thing. I'd pushed my way into supporting her with her cancer scare and now that I'd finally had her completely I'd completely run away in this scare."
He holds back his accusing tone and instead speaks with just honesty, "yeah knowing my sister that's exactly how she felt man."
"I blamed her for leaving me. So much of our relationship after that was me fearing that she was capable of doing it again… when you realise your perception of things is fucking faulty, how that perspective has clouded every fucking decision since… look I know I was a teenager but so was she. She forgave me, I didn't know it but she forgave me over that summer I earned her trust back proved I wanted something more than that. I never forgave her though. When she broke up with me in senior year knowing I had been a jerk, knowing I had just admitted to cheating on her, months of lying to her, knowing I was still refusing to be honest with her about it- I threw it back in her face. I told her I wouldn't chase her again. I was so angry at her for going off at me, for going on that date with Kelly when she had dumped me again. That she had proven to me again that she was just like my parents willing to throw me away when I was too much hard work."
We are quiet for a long time. "Man I want to support you and help you get her back. I want my sister happy, but look I may be way off with my twin raider but I do know that if this is opening up to much, risking your sobriety she wouldn't want that she wouldn't want you to go through this if the end results see's you at the bottom of a bottle or with a needle in your arm."
"Yeah I know. I'd lose her forever if that happened, I should lose her forever if it did. I've reached out to my old sponsor and he wants me to go to the community centre on Monday and see a Counsellor he wants me in regular therapy if I'm going to really do this. He wants me to go back to attending regular AA meetings as well." I look at my watch, "actually I said I'd go to the ten thirty one this morning. I should get going." He gives me a brotherly look one that I have sorely missed. It's not the one from senior or freshman year, the one that was laced with an understanding that we would never be proper family. No it's the look that he gave me in his house in junior year when he said that he liked me being around, the one that said he assumed it was for life.
"Want company man?"
"Yeah yeah I'd like that."
I threw myself into the writing, to the meetings, and to the therapy. Brandon came to a couple of them with me or invited me over for a coffee after. He knew that this deep dive into my past both pre, during and post Bren was going to rip away my foundations. I was learning a new reality one that went beyond my own insecurities.
On the Sunday the day after my first AA meeting I rang Hawaii I wanted to reach out to my sister, I wanted to be more consistent in her life. Iris had answered and while Bren said she had been able to hold her back from calling last Wednesday after finding out about Jim's threat it was clear that for four day's it hadn't left her thoughts. She was a mix of sympathy, frustration and understanding towards me and my actions that summer. She could see how that could be a catalyst for such a shift in behaviour, how it could have led to stupid mistakes that even now I didn't know how to redeem myself from. She didn't warn me away from Bren again but she wasn't pro-reconciliation, from her tone she still wasn't supportive but she had at least stopped verbalising it.
On Friday afternoon I met Brandon on campus for coffee, it was weird being back here and not being a student. I'd loved the learning at one stage, I'd loved the arguments in poetry class with Bren the most. When she wasn't coming back and with the money gone I hadn't turned up for my second year, I hadn't even thought to reenrol this year. I didn't have time for it at the moment but maybe I should look at it after Christmas. Not CU though I didn't want to walk the halls hoping and knowing I wouldn't bump into her here.
Brandon was a little hesitant throughout coffee like he was trying to build up to saying something. "Jones whatever it is just spit it out."
"Look it's not bad, she'll be fine-"
"She who?" Like I don't already know. My heart rate had already picked up.
"We are still talking each day. I'm trying, and she accepted my apology for me railroading over her feelings last Saturday. Stuart was a harder conversation but she… she's trying to start again with me. Forgiveness for my twin betrayal can't be earned through words, I'll be spending the next decades building back up her trust in me-"
"Jones if you don't tell me what she'll be fine from I'm going to lose my fucking mind."
"On Wednesday she was hurt on set, she's fine it's a grade three level sprain on her ankle. The ligament was torn. She's supposed to be off it for two weeks completely but you know Bren she's convinced Roy to work around it. On Monday she'll be back on set but won't be putting any weight on it. I think she'll be sitting down most of the time. She said something about a green screen motorbike action sequence."
I could feel my anger and frustration rise, she was supposed to be safe if Roy couldn't promise that then a stunt person should be in her place someone with years of training. "What the fuck happened? Where the fuck was Roy?"
"An actor with like ten seconds of screen time got a little eager to impress and… Bren said if it had just been one on one it would have been fine, she takes more intense hits in her sparing sessions but it was a fight scene where she was in the middle of three of them. It had been choreographed and it was supposed to be a simple scene where she easily kicked butt so stunt people weren't being used. When she got the full kick she fell forward slightly and well the other actor wasn't fast enough to realise it wasn't supposed to happen she tripped over their leg. Roy told me that if she wasn't so quick thinking and fell into a fight roll she could have broken her ankle."
I run my hand through my hair almost pulling it out. It's his job to make her safe to make sure that everyone on set is qualified. "She's okay?"
"She's okay."
"How do you know that? Over the phone she could-"
"She let me go to her house yesterday to see her. I didn't tell you sooner because we were waiting forty-eight hours for the swelling to go down. She had a doctors appointment at midday today, I rang immediately afterwards and got the full run down of injuries. She'll be fine. Roy is making actor changes, she'll only spar with professionals from now on. Her trainer said she is pulling back a lot to ensure the safety of the actor's, if it had been a stunt person she would have been able to use the momentum from the kick to turn out of it but it would have resulted in taking at least one if not both of the others down. Stunt people could have easily handled that and fallen correctly, actors though… she didn't do it cause it could have led to them being injured."
"So she injures herself?"
"I know but that's Brenda isn't it?"
"Yeah that's my woman always willing to take the pain if it means someone else's suffering is reduced."
"She's been like that since we were kid's. She used to take the blame for Val's decisions all the time, even as teenagers she'd never dob me in when Mum and Dad would catch us out. She'd let me look perfect and take all the punishment and disappointment." Yeah I remember the party drinking that she covered up for him.
I run my hand through my hair, "I can't imagine she'd welcome a visit from me to check on her, and I still don't have her number. Do you think she would at least welcome flowers?"
"Yeah I don't think that could hurt."