Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.

Chapter Fourteen

A few minutes later I finally pick myself up off the floor. Shame is running through my system and my mind is screaming at me that I did this to us. I got so scared that I have literally scarred the one person I have ever trusted, ever loved completely, the one and only person who even to this day has supported me unconditionally. As I make my way out of the bathroom I'm faced with an unhappy English man leaning against the wall. "Mr McKay why are you in my home at this hour?"

I have no fight in me, knowing how much my choices have destroyed us has left me exhausted. "Bren went to the After Dark to see Ray perform, I drove her home. I found out when I was saying goodnight that you had given her the day off tomorrow because her ankle had swollen up again today so I insisted after a night of her hoping around on one crutch and her walking up and down those stairs that I help her to her room and get her ice." I look at the ice pack in my hand, "it's still swollen but it's going down after having it on it for twenty minutes. I just came downstairs to put it in the freezer before bringing it back up."

He doesn't say a word but walks into the kitchen and turns on the kettle. Having followed him I quickly place the ice pack in the freezer. He gestures to a seat indicating for me to sit down, I do. A few minutes later he is putting a pot of tea in front of us along with milk, lemon and china cups, at the latter I raise my eyebrow. "Tea in a mug is an abomination, tea needs to be served in fine china cups with saucer's." I nod as he sits down then begins to pour each of us a cup, "it's Earl Grey best severed with a slice of lemon but some like milk." I grab a lemon piece when offered. Tea isn't my drink but after getting sick it's nice to have something warm to settle my stomach. "She upset you tonight or was it something you ate?"

By his face he is waiting to see if I'll take the lie he offered, "she wouldn't let me help her. Eventually she did but it's a struggle it's like she is fighting her impulses to even let me take care of her a little. It used to be her instinct to turn to me for anything."

"I won't disrespect your past with her, I know you know that she is the strongest person and that strength takes a lot out of her. She has self doubt, she's been attacked and walked over by people thinking that because she is strong her feelings don't matter, like she can take whatever abuse they throw at her. It's not just you lot here, she's respected in London by colleagues in the industry, our friends and her RADA friends but there our jealous people there to. She is talented beyond her year's of training, she is a natural actress and that upsets some people, it's upset people who were close to her who she thought she could trust. Its meant that her guard is always raised."

"She trusts you."

"Yes. I cherish her, and while I know one day I might need to share her with another man I will always love her. I want what's best for her, her being strong, independent and self-assured is best for her. I've worked hard to make sure she knows that, to make sure her independence from me is absolute, I want her to know that I want her to have every opportunity in life and that I'll support her regardless, but she owns all of them because she earned them. I want her to have everything she wants-"

"Even if it's me?"

He gives me a look, "I was there when she opened the Genesius medallion. Her face lit up, especially when she found out the symbolism. I know they aren't an easy find. Someone went to a lot of trouble to get that for her, considering you were still with Kelly I thought it was curious. I also thought it was curious that your sister followed her around that whole opening night, and Brenda naturally accepted and wanted her there. You looked so proud of her that night, and so pleased that she was loved by and that she genuinely loved your sister. Kelly seemed like a nuisance to you, keeping you away from where you wanted to be- with the two of them. I thought it was all very strange until I heard the story, until I came to check on her three weeks into her summer program and she was nervous that you hadn't answered or returned her calls or her letters. I took her to lunch where she gave me the synopsis. In the last fourteen months I have learned everything, some from her, some from Iris, and even a little from Erica. I know what you are to her, and she knows what you are to her, and I'm guessing you are finally thinking clearly enough to remember what she is to you." I nod, "she doesn't want it. She accepts your position but doesn't want it, though she also doesn't think it will change. You like to call her stubborn right?"

I nod, "it's beyond that. She knows you aren't healthy for her, she expects you to hurt her. Her instinct is to turn away from that now because she knows the emotional blow that will follow. If you think that is my doing you are mistaken. If she wanted a future with you, I would welcome you as a brother. I love her and want her happy. Do I think you have the ability to make her happy, more than anyone else- yes. Do I think she'll ever trust you enough to do that, to be truly vulnerable with you again and let you in- that is completely her decision. But Dylan my loyalty is to her, I'm not going to help you in anyway unless she asks me to, and I won't be your friend unless she tells me we she wants us to be. Even if she invites you into our home as a guest of ours I won't be friendly, I'll be hospitable but not friendly. I won't ever ever make her question my loyalty. She deserves to know that one person in her life is able to be absolutely faithful to the trust she has bestowed on them, to know that one person has never let her down, to know one person is solely her's."

He stands, "it's I assume twenty minutes now. I'll give you a moment to go bring the ice pack up and say goodbye, unless of course she wants you to stay longer but either way I'll be in there in a few minutes to check on her myself."

I stand, "thank you for the tea." As I grab the once again cold ice pack I begin to walk out of the kitchen but stop. He told me nothing I didn't know about Bren but everything about his relationship with her. He loves her. I turn to him, "Roy you clearly love her why then haven't you tried to be-"

"Dylan I love her enough to know that a relationship would risk me becoming another person to let her down. I'm not equipped for long term commitments and she's too important to me to try and fail, she also does not feel that way about me. We are perfect the way we are best friends who love and respect each other deeply. I'm completely content in that."

"I want you to know I told her I wouldn't ask for another chance until I know that I wouldn't let her down again. I won't risk hurting her again, even if she is all I want."

"I hope if anything that is the first promise you can actually keep to her as you've broken every other." As I leave the room I wonder myself if I can.

When I get to her room I knock on her doorframe. She turns to me but doesn't say anything, I walk in and take my position next to her ankle. "It's looking a little less angry, mind if I touch it?"

"No."

As I touch it I feel the electricity rush through my system and look to Bren, her eyes are closed and she is looking like she has stopped breathing. She feels it too and her body's reaction the one she used to listen to is now being told by her brain that this is the feeling of danger that I'm not to be trusted. I now understand why as soon as the alcohol faded she was out the door that night. "You can tell your mind to stop fearing me, I'm not here to hurt you."

"You never are."

She's right I've never meant to hurt her, I have always done it though. From our first date that I stood her up for, to inviting a girl back to my room for breakfast in Palm Springs, to leaving her at The Peach Pit to help Betty… the list is endless. "You're right."

I put the ice pack on her ankle, "I'm sorry I'll read up on soccer or maybe you can tell me about any new books you have read. We'll get better at preventing the landslide's and earthquakes." She gives a humourless chuckle obviously not believing that we are capable of that, "Roy is on his way up."

"He's going to be pissed-"

"Yes I am Love." She looks at him in the doorway and even with his annoyed tone her whole body relaxes. The tension she's been sending off disappears. "We made a deal two crutches when leaving the house and no walking up or down the stair's."

She looks at me with a scowl knowing I was the one who obviously informed him of her reckless behaviour. I give her a smirk in return, "hey if you won't listen to me maybe he can make you take better care of yourself. I'm invested in you being safe and healthy."

Roy walks over and kneels down by the head of her bed, "love how am I supposed to go away if you keep pushing yourself?"

"You are going away?"

"The South America jungle set they are building just got hit by a storm this evening. It's why I'm late, no one was hurt but I need to fly down after filming tomorrow and see the damage for myself. We were supposed to film there on the way back to London and even with our delays here I'm not sure if that will give them enough time to fix the damage. They have been building the temple structure for three weeks already if they need to start again and clear the site it could push us back further."

She gives him a sympathetic look, "well we always say our bad luck happens in three's. I think that's the third."

He beams at her, "and there is the pot at the end of the rainbow I haven't been able to find since that weather report came in." Three's the set, the ankle… and, us finding out she is here. My stomach seesaws again.

He looks at her ankle and makes a silent indication for me to lift the ice pack, as I do his face becomes concerned which he masks before looking back at her. "Dylan said downstairs that it has gone down some but that is still more swollen than when you left the studio today. Tomorrow you'll need some more scans and to see the doctor again." She sighs but nods. "Darling I also don't want you here for three day's by yourself as I know you'll be unable to control yourself and will climb the stairs or stand by the stove and cook. How's about I book you into a hotel or a health spa, you can spend three days being pampered-"

She gives him a meaningful look, "right that is too Beverly Hills Princess it would drive you crazy." Bren had never been too Beverly Hills but she was able to enjoy aspects of the lifestyle in small doses. It seemed she now was adverse to all of it, I guess to her this place ripped everything apart.

"Roy I can stay here, I'll just stay downstairs on the first floor."

"Until you forget something you want upstairs or you get bored doing nothing. I'm not delusional Love you've been in training for months and months, your trainers are actually surprised you've been this good being off it. Your body is used to the endorphins exercise releases, and while you may be still doing your upper body work you have pretty much gone cold turkey from your nearly full day's of training. You aren't able to sit still for this long." He looks at the phone by her bed, "shall I call Iris and invite her to visit she'd come-"

"No Erica is having her first turn as goal keeper this weekend she is really looking forward to it."

"Bren my sister would choose to come and help you in a heartbeat over any soccer game."

"Yes but she need's consistency and to establish roots in Hawaii it will make her feel that she has supports there beyond Iris. Being a part of a team is doing that it's helping her make friends beyond just school. Letting them down is not a good start to those relationships." I give her a look wondering how she knows all this, she gets my silent question. "When you found Erica I reached out to my counsellor and we discussed how to make her transition easier. Iris and I have been having monthly phone conference's with her ever since. When Erica told me she was struggling with making friends at school as they've all lived on the Island together for years and have been with each other since kindergarten, that's when a team sport was suggested. Erica is now joining us on parts of the calls and Iris is looking to find her a counsellor to talk to there when she is ready. Suzanne and Kevin well they didn't find each other in LA and it wasn't their first scam. Erica was kept in the dark about their connection and illegal activities but even then it's seeped in and she was lied to when she asked questions. That confusion for her needs to be made sense of. She's a kid, she doesn't know if her mother ever loved her or was everything she told her a lie, she needs help to sort through that."

I look at her and again realise how much I didn't consider. Erica was safe and I knew where she was I thought the rest could work itself out. It's like me growing up, when the intense drama died down, the drinking, the physical abuse, the abandonment I just thought I could move on from it. I even once said to Jim that I could deal with the hitting from Jack because I knew those bruises would go away, but they never did I just pushed them down and pretended they didn't matter. Anything that was capable of hurting me didn't matter, and nothing more embodied that then the woman laying in front of me. "I'm sure if you would like Iris would love for you to be on those phone calls, we have one scheduled for tomorrow night our time, it works out best with the three different time zones."

"Thank you I'd like that."

"Okay no Iris shall I hire a nurse-"

"Roy no." She looks at him, "you aren't going to let this go are you?"

He gives her ankle a glare, "no for both personal and professional reasons."

She sighs, "I could ask Kelly to stay here or I could stay there-"

"Bren you forgetting what you did tonight? Kelly doesn't take being called out for her bad behaviour well."

"Oh Love you've got a bedtime story for me." He rubs his hands together, "excellent. I can't wait to hear how fierce and amazing I'm sure you were."

She rolls her eyes, "I was not that amazing or fie-"

"Bren you really were. It was a sight to behold as always." She shakes her head slightly like she still wants to disagree. "Bren you could stay at Casa Walsh Brandon would love to take care of you though there is a lot of different levels in the house, or you could stay at mine. My house is one level so you could be independent and I could sleep in the study you could have the main bedroom." In my tone I had tried to temper my desire for her to stay with me but I know I failed miserably. Roy obviously a man on his word didn't even try and entertain that suggestion.

"Or why don't we just ask Brandon to stay here with you Love? Saves you moving at all."

"Roy can we see if it goes down by tomorrow and what the doctor says, I'd feel better not putting anyone out?" I knew she wouldn't jump at staying at mine but I'd hope that somewhere inside her she'd still want my comfort.

"Sure we can wait to hear what the doctor says and then you can decide from there." He then stands, "Dylan why don't I take the ice pack back to the freezer while you say goodnight to Brenda." As I pass him the pack and see his meaningful look I'm hit again with the feeling that this is someone I don't want to mess around with, he has a lot of power here and unlike Jim his agenda appears to be solely to adhere to Brenda's wishes. He has no interest in getting to know me or finding common ground, even most of the time Jim lived here I could at least say he was willing to humour the idea of liking me. Roy appears completely uninterested in that.

"Love while I'm downstairs I'll phone and leave a message on the studio doctor's answering service to arrange an appointment for you first thing in the morning, and then lock up once Dylan leaves. I'll be back with a cold ice pack soon, and then you can tell me my bedtime story of how you put everyone in their place." She laughs as he leaves the room and then looks at me, obviously noting my attempts of trying to keep my composure to such a heavy handed dismissal.

"The phone call is scheduled at 9:30pm tomorrow night, it makes it early evening in Hawaii and Saturday morning in London. It would usually be next Monday night but Dr Howard is scheduled to attend a conference next week."

"Are you okay with me talking to your doctor?"

"I don't see her anymore for me, these sessions have nothing to do with my health they are all about Iris and I supporting Erica. Erica has only joined in on the last two phone calls, a lot of her life has been controlled by others Dr Howard wants to ensure she has agency in her life now as it will help her accept these changes and see them as positive."

"You know I don't know how to thank you for this."

"Hey she's my family too and well Dr Howard is a specialist in coping with trauma, it was natural for me to reach out to her when you found Erica, and at the time I was still seeing her not as regularly but still consistently."

"How do I join the conversation do I go to you?"

"No I'll pass on your number to the Doctor and she conference calls us in from her office."

I'm quiet for a moment and eventually ask the question that was playing on my mind, "was that what I was trauma?"

"Dylan in five year's I dealt with a girl being sexually assaulted every night at our high school and calling me up for support, I had a cancer scare, I was nearly set alight by Emily, I was held at gunpoint, sent away by my family, and well you know the rest that followed, and that's not even covering my cousins accident and my aunts illness before I arrived in LA. My life was not a bed of roses but I had two stable parents, controlling but stable I had no right to be effected by those events, so I wasn't. Well I thought I wasn't. You can deal with a lot, your mind, emotions and body can process a lot but it takes time for things to digest. I didn't get the digesting time between and then with my foundational relationship's, with my parents and my brother disintegrating so quickly and without any clear reasoning it was a lot. Anyway, Dr Howard is great and she is helping Iris and I understand how to support Erica create stability. I'm sorry that you weren't included earlier-"

"You'd have to be a stable presence to create stability right and I haven't been much of that in three year's- not since junior year." I look down at her ankle the swelling is only marginally reduced. "I can stay here that chair in the corner looks pretty comfy to sleep in, I could keep icing your ankle through the night as you sleep?"

"No it's fine. Thank you though for the tea, the ice, and the lift."

I give her a cheeky smile, "the car lift or the carry up the stairs?"

"Both."

"You know I'm serious about you staying at the house. It gives you the independence of being able to move about on a single story, and support if you need it. You can even send me to my study if I get too much or cause too many natural disasters."

"I can't believe you finally cleaned out that room. Well it hasn't been a room since Iris stayed with you in junior year."

"Yeah well there has been some other changes I've made to the place since you were last there." She lifts her brow silently requesting more details, "you'll have to come and stay with me to see."

"Or you can tell me now and I can just suck it up and get a hotel room for the weekend if that's what the doctor orders."

"But you promised Nat you'd fill his freezer this weekend so you need a kitchen and someone to help cook, you also hate hotels and you'd get bored, you've never been bored around me."

She laughs, "yeah that's for sure."

Running her fingers over the blanket edge she eventually looks up, "thanks for the offer but-"

"Before you say no just wait to hear what the doctor says, if he thinks you're pushing it and need to limit your movement then come hom- stay with me. You know how difficult it is for us to not take care of the other, and while my need to do that isn't your concern I do want you to know it's something I want to do. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Okay you'll stay?"

"No okay I hear you. You should go."