Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.
Chapter Twenty-Six
I'm not sure what got into him, but by his second turn on the teacups with me I knew something was up. As we exited the ride I place a hand on my hip, "okay spill?"
"Don't you mean pour?" Huh? He registers my confusion. "You know the nursery rhyme?" His eyes flick to my hand on my hip.
It was a stupid joke, but it still makes my laughter come from my belly. His teeth gleam in the sunlight that is reflecting off his smile, he's happy that he can make me laugh.
When I'm calm I try again. "Dyl, what's up with you? That's the spill I was referring to."
"What do you mean? We are having a fun day, aren't you having fun?"
"Loads, and I'm going to cherish my picture of you with Donald Duck- I'd never have guessed he was your favourite as a kid, but what's going on? You aren't…"
"Bringing up us? Declaring my feelings for you every few minutes? Putting pressure on you?" I wouldn't have put it so bluntly but then again I was struggling to find the words myself. His intensity had escalated over the weeks since we had started this. He had never been a patient go slow guy and glacier pace as he referred to it was not a speed normal for him. I nod.
"The daily therapy, AA, my excitement about us reconnecting- my life is all about us. I think maybe I'm getting too intense and putting too much on you. I don't want to be another responsibility you have, however enjoyable it is. I don't want you to feel I'm something to tick off on your massive daily to do list. I'm thinking if I keep asking you for more, putting so much on you that you will feel that even if you don't feel it already."
"And you think riding teacups is the answer?"
He rubs the back of his neck, it's a sign that tells me he's unsure of himself that he isn't sure that this is the right answer. "I think us just being with each other, having fun, making new memories is part of the answer."
"Okay I get that, I appreciate it." I try and be kind, though I know since we had started this nearly five years ago we had struggled with balance. I'd give too much, he'd surrender too much- the pendulum would swing out of control until we would smash into a wall and we would fall off the ride. Our biggest issue had always been equilibrium. "But I'm not sure the answer is giving into everyone of my whims. I want you to have fun as well- and don't say if I am you are."
He leans in and kisses my lips, there's kids around so it's just a peck. "The teacups were fun, dizzy but fun. They were one of Erica's favourites when I took her here. I do get your point though I won't pretend, I want us both to be authentic always with the other." It's not vailed and it carries no level of blame or anger, though I get his subtly my authenticity needs to also be given and he's not sure I am.
"Okay, good." There is weight around us now that I don't want, I get his desire to just make it a fun day a light day. "I'm thinking we try Indian Jones, the line even the VIP line is going to be long we should get fairy floss to eat while we wait." I begin to move and he follows into step.
"How are your teeth not full of holes? The amount of sugar you eat-"
I gently knock his shoulder. "Hey, back off it's my cheat day." He wraps his arm around me, "and I had the water and protein Scott wanted it's now my time to splurge."
"You are going to vomit."
"Please, I'm a master candy and chocolate eater."
"Mark my words I'll be rubbing circles on your belly tonight as you drink herbal tea."
The know it all was right, well almost right. We stayed to watch the parade and fireworks and as we sat waiting for it all I was tucked between his legs leaning on his chest as he rubbed my tense stomach in soothing circles. "Stupid movie."
He smiles into my hair, his hand never stops moving in the methodical motion. "Baby, you ate a lot of rubbish I don't think it's the movies fault I think it might be age."
"I'm twenty, I think I'm not yet over the hill. It's the movies diet, because I've never felt sick on ice cream before."
"In eight days you'll be twenty-one."
"Still not geriatric. I should be able to eat ice cream, fairy floss, and a donut."
"Don't forget the orange julius."
I moan, "that's not helping. I forgot about that. Stupid movie!"
"We've got peppermint tea at home, mum swears it soothes stomachs. I'll make you a mug when we get back-" his hand jolts but resumes. "Sorry, if you want to come back, I can take you back to your and Roy's house."
"No, I'll come back." He'd been doing this all day, correcting any assumption. "Did your counsellor say something to you? I mean you have really grabbed hold of this idea you have be hyper paranoid all day."
"We don't lie right, so don't get mad I think he assumed I knew." I look over my shoulder at him, "why didn't you tell me that they've asked you to do a video clip for the song? Or that you've had a hard week? Roy just casually mentioned it, how focused you need to be doing the ropes and some of the stunts, that your mind can't have any distractions- I thought he was making a dig. I know I know, he's more direct if he was, I'm just… as you were cooling down I had to think why my mind went there. My Counsellor is big in understanding your thinking, understanding if it's factual or emotionally driven-"
"Mine was into breathing, giving yourself time to consider rather than respond- being intentional is her big thing."
"You might need to show me some of those techniques because you know I've often done and said things without consideration, especially when angry." He kisses my forehead, "I took offence to what Roy said because I know I'm being pushy. I'm not giving you space to tell me about your day, to share what's going on. I'm so desperate for us to be closer that I'm making it almost impossible for that to happen."
I reach up and cup his cheek- he leans into it, I've noticed any touch I give him any affection I show he cherishes. "It's not just you I'm not sharing much. I keep saying I don't know how, but we've done it before even when we weren't together I shared everything with you. I think I should clarify, I don't know how to do it and protect myself from you." The hurt he tries to hide but I know him, it's in his eyes.
"And forcing my way in isn't helping you feel like you don't need to protect yourself." He leans down and closes his eyes and breathes in my hair, "the parade is about to start. Let's just watch the parade and continue to make some new happy memories. Fun day right?"
"Fun Day."
That night we don't have sex, it's the first time we spend the night in the same bed and don't. Instead when we made it home I showered noticing that my beauty products had magically appeared next to his, I say nothing I just put on one of his T-shirt's, and he brings me tea. He quickly showers and climbs into bed next to me. He rubs my belly, though by this stage it was no longer feeling queasy, and he holds me close from behind. We fall asleep with his arms clasped around me and our legs like vines- tangled together. In the morning I am still wrapped up in him though in our sleep I had moved my head to his chest as he now lays on his back.
When my breathing changes to indicate I'm awake his does as well. He automatically squeezes me tighter and kisses my head as I stretch out my legs. We don't speak and he makes no move, he just holds me. It's Sunday I'm not expected anywhere, he doesn't appear to have plans, so we lay there quietly. My eyes remain shut but I'm awake.
The rattle of his chest as he speaks startles me, "you like bikes right just not LA traffic?"
"Yeah."
"It's LA I can't avoid all of them but I can stick to the old highways as much as possible. Want to ride down to Ojai with me? There's farms there and a lot of the restaurants only buy locally."
My nails run across his chest, "yeah I'd like that."
My skirt that I left here won't work on the bike so I put yesterday's jeans on, my Raymond's t-shirt and I steal a jacket from Dylan. It's massive but the wind on the back of the bike would be too much without it.
Ojai is this cute old Spanish town. It's got silver jewellery store's, art galleries, boutique ice cream shops, stands from local farmers. We spend the day eating and walking through the store's. I find some artwork I like and while Dylan tries to buy it for me I shake my head. I tell him, I like being independent this way, I like that I have worked and invested to buy things I need, thing's I don't need but like. He nods and doesn't offer to pay again, though I let him buy lunch.
It's a day of walking, handholding, kisses and surprisingly little conversation besides expressing our opinions on art or something delicious we eat. It's a day that after the busy week, after a hectic but fun trip to New York last weekend, it is a day that is exactly what I need- it makes me feel like I'm visiting a village in Europe exploring but with no planning just letting the day unfold around me. When we drive back up the coast Dylan surprises me and without question takes me back to Roy's and my place. It's only when my helmet is off and my feet are back on the ground does he see the question.
"You have work tomorrow and while you could drive the Porsche or take the bike to the studio, you are out of clothes at our place. Of course my shirts look better on you than me so you could wear them, but I just didn't want to assume."
He's rambling, he's not a natural rambler. "No, you are right I need to come here. My script is here with my annotations, I like to read through the scene I'm filming tomorrow a few times tonight and the rest of the weeks ones to know what is ahead of me." He smile's like he enjoys that I'm so organised, that it's something that has remained the same. He doesn't get off the bike and I make no move to move inside, for the first time I'm stuck with an overwhelming feeling that I don't like that I'll be away from him. My head yells danger but I don't listen, "do you want to stay? I'm not really hungry but I need to eat some protein I could make us a quick meal and while I read my script there's… my room has books you may like or cd's you could-" his finger comes over my lips.
"Yes, I would sleep next to you always. I would never turn that down."
Thank god I'm an actress, my cheeks want to rise up but I control my face. I'm already ignoring the warning voice, to show how much those words effect me, how I'm maybe hoping they are true, that I can trust them… it is too much. It is too much risk.
As we walk into the house I put the the helmets on the hall table, and follow her through to the kitchen. Roy is sitting having tea and reading through a massive amount of paperwork. He looks up and smiles at my girl.
"Oh hello Darling." He looks at me, "Dylan."
She kisses his head and then moves to the fridge, "have you eaten Roy?"
"No, an hour ago I had some marmalade toast-" she turns and raises an eyebrow cutting him off with the look. His hands go up in mock defence, "Darling it's Sunday. The Irish baker makes an acceptable loaf for America, and it's Sunday you should be able to indulge."
She looks around the kitchen, "where is it?" He remains quiet, "Roy you ate a whole loaf of bread to yourself. My god, is that all you've eaten today?"
"No. They also make a good sticky bun."
"Bread with icing. You need vegetables, you are going to have a heart attack if you keep eating like this. I'm making Mediterranean Chicken Salad and you are eating it all, including the sprout's."
The whole conversation was said with humour and not an ounce of anger, its clearly something that they often discuss. As my offer to help is dismissed she stands at the island cutting up the salad item's while Roy and I sit at the table. He discusses his date, Star wasn't her real name; he say's it with an air of shock, Bren laugh's. The weekends are then discussed including Bren trying to pretend she ate something bad at the park yesterday, and me clarifying what she actually ate.
Roy gets a devilish smile, "oh well that's fascinating I get in trouble for one small loaf of bread but-"
"Oh please, one small loaf and what a half a jar of marmalade."
"I'm just pointing out Love that people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Ate something bad in deed."
"Fine, but I still say it was something bad and had nothing to do with the sugar."
"Baby, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem." She flicks me off, her London attitude rearing up at both of us ganging up on her. Roy and I share a smile, it's an understanding of how special she is. It's a brief moment but it makes me more comfortable sitting in the room with him.
"Okay, let's change subjects I'm not enjoying you two finding it fun to make fun of me. Anyone call?"
"No though you received a fax from Jerry. They made a formal request." He looks at her and I know he's silently asking if he's allowed to continue, she must indicate yes, though I don't see how. I don't want to look at her in case she thinks it's applying pressure. We've had two fantastic days together I don't want to ruin it by overstepping. "The production company want the video clip to have scenes from the movie but from the offer they want it mixed in with a performance by the three of you preferably on stage with an audience."
"It's come from the executive producers?"
"Yes that's what it looks like, it makes sense MTV is massive and a film clip would continue to drive ticket sales. They want it ASAP and are willing to throw money at you all, and give production freedom as long as it's done quickly, they only stipulate they want to choose the film clips."
"I can't say no can I?"
"You can always say no, but the reason for doing the song in the first place was to not piss off the executive producer. If that's still the goal, not to burn bridges with people you may want to work with one day, then I think you maybe have to."
"ASAP?"
"Jerry's note with the letter of request say's the two hideous people will be in town all week." Their eyes have a whole conversation, what ever these guys did was bad, really bad. "If you want to do it I can direct it, we can even see if our camera men want to film it. I can make sure you are supported."
"Where though? Our sound stages are set for our movie and I don't want them tainting them-"
I'm wondering if I'm allowed to participate, she gave permission for me to hear it, be included in her life. I decide to risk it, if she retreats I tell myself that it's okay; we will be stepping forward and backwards till she is confident that she can trust me. "Nat and Val would give you the After Dark. You could film it during the day or live when the club is open."
"That's a great idea. The day's are busy but we could work in an early evening. I'd just need someone to organise the club and have it all set up for us. I could send the camera guy's over and we could have it wrapped as quickly as possible."
"I'm happy to help. If you tell me what needs to get done."
"Eddy's in New York he can fly out and do the technical stuff. Though help working with the management and making sure that it's all set, Brenda and I have limited time." It's a concession he is offering, she hasn't asked for him to make room. Though maybe in accepting me in this conversation it was. I try and control the hope that this stirs.
He looks at Bren, "if Eddy, Dylan and I can make sure you are in charge, that we get you in and out as quickly as possible, do you want to go ahead?"
She chops a little more fiercely. "Yeah. But I should ask Val myself. I just yelled at the girls for taking advantage, me not talking to her and expecting a massive favour is the exact treatment I was condemning them for. I'll call after dinner and see if the club is free."
I knew Val wanted Bren back in her life, I knew she wouldn't say no. I also knew that Bren had other options the club wasn't the only viable venue. I took it as a another good sign that she was considering to talk to Val, maybe it meant that she was willing to let all of us Brandon, Val and me back in properly.
I squeeze my fists to stop the desire to cheer. It's hard to bottle up, it's too much hope.