Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.
Chapter Eleven
She looked the same, I don't know how. I had greyed and got wrinkles, and while prison food had kept me lean there was still fat stuck to bones that had not been there eighteen or eleven years ago. Even spending every day of the last week in the prison gym trying to let go of some of my anger, trying to clear my mind to think of how I could convince the parole board to let me back out to her to them, trying to shift the fat that had stuck like handles at the back of my spine. Those hours of sweating had done little for my self loathing, had convinced me that honesty was my best shot with the board, and had no impact on my middle age spread, a middle age spread that my wife, ex wife had not been impacted by.
It took me a while to find my voice, scared that after the resentment, indifference and fury that I spewed at her in every conversation once she finally declared she was doing what I suspected for seven years she had wanted to do- leave me, divorce me, I was scared that she'd recoil on hearing even a syllable pass my lips. She didn't. She listened, though she was on edge the whole time but she listened.
Our lunch had gone well I thought, even when Dylan covered my chicken in a sauce he declared was amazing. When the corner of his mouth lifted up while he stared at his plate as I coughed and gulped down half a glass of water I figured that he knew what he was doing. I didn't begrudge him his need to cause me discomfort, his whole life had been uncomfortable for him even in the lap of luxury I ensured he was surrounded by. No finery could make up for a unfeeling mother and a father in mourning for a wife that had seemingly disappeared overnight.
When he stormed out of the house I didn't blame him for that either, I couldn't pretend to be a father now I couldn't just swan back in and be heavy handed in my desire to be the parent I always wanted to be. My wife understood that, she had tried a similar approach last year and failed. She though had been patient and found a way to be accepted. What I didn't know was if that acceptance was first given by Dylan or by Brenda. I knew if my wife was right… ex wife if she was right and they were in love, forever linked like we were then I needed to be accepted by both I needed to be seen as family by both to have any meaningful relationship; something Jim Walsh obviously did not understand.
The phone rings while Dylan is chatting to my wife about dinner, she has the base ingredients for a shepherds pie but doesn't have enough potatoes so was asking him to go to the shops to get some. I loved that she was planning on making one of my favourite dishes, one that reminded me of growing up in Ireland, but I didn't love that she needed our son to go shopping. Both of us were confined here due to the report's who had set up camp on Dylan's front lawn. I could understand it, the money shot of Iris a wealthy recluse heiress that had not been seen for over eleven years in this town, and her bankrupt ex multimillionaire husband would sell and spark weeks of retelling of our story. It had been a pretty incredible fairytale up until eighteen years ago.
Dylan immediately picks up the phone before the second ring, I'm not stunned by the moniker he answers with but I am stunned that I remember that feeling. When she'd call the office I just knew by the ringtone when it would be her, there was no sound difference but it somehow sent a different vibration through me. Watching him on the phone I can see his whole body change, he unravels like his limbs just got longer after being confined.
My wife ex wife is watching me look at him and when I feel I understand, when I see she was right I look at her. She is wearing her patient but all knowing smile, the one she'd wear when I had been stressed and she'd tell me that it would be okay, and it was. When I'd fail and she'd tell me that it was just a lesson I needed to learn so I could succeed more in the future, she'd be beaming it when that success would come and top any previous failures. She had been my biggest champion, given me confidence to succeed and fail, she had made me better than I knew I could ever be, and when she disappeared, when that smile disappeared so had I.
He escapes into his room for a bit but comes back out and hands me the phone. Finally.
"Brenda."
"Hello Mr McKay-"
"None of that it's Jack."
"Jack. Sorry I couldn't be there to welcome you but… well I know you know the story now."
My son obviously tells her everything, good. I did the same with his mother. Nothing can come between absolute honesty, there is no room then for distrust to grow. "Yes, are you sure I'm not going to make it impossible for you both? I don't want to cause problems."
"The only problem you'll cause Jack is if you don't control your anger. I know Dylan has warned you that I'd be giving you the hard word, and I'd feel bad if I hadn't already done something similar to Iris when I met her." I look at my wife she hadn't mentioned anything, "she may have abandoned him which I now know was through no fault of her own and driven him crazy when she came back into his life from trying too hard, but you have a different relationship with him. You were there and you… well you know every hand you laid, and I got a front row seat to hearing how you spoke to him. I know that it wasn't a once off. If you can't promise not to do that then go to the halfway house, you can build back your relationship from more neutral and less intense ground with both of them. They'd understand, it's a lot for anyone all at once, and that's before considering the impact of you learning about the past."
She was a straight shooter and not only did she have my sons and my wife's best interests at heart she also was compassionate to what I was going through. "I hear you sweetheart but I can promise that." I ignore my wife's chuckle at the genuine term of endearment.
"Okay then I'll hold you to that promise. Now can you put me on speaker as your son is being difficult." I bark out a laugh, oh I like her a lot.
"Sure thing sweetheart." As I look at the phone I click the speaker button on, "all the McKay's should be able to hear you now."
"Bonjour Iris."
"Hello Darling, is everything okay?"
"No your son is refusing to compromise."
Dylan's groan of "Bren-da." And Iris's giggle happen in unison.
"You can't all stay trapped in a house for nine days and then more time on top of that while you go through an escrow you'll kill each other. Dylan has a strange but charming aversion to shopping, specifically house shopping and is insisting I do it. Now I'm uncertain how this works or if it's even possible from overseas but Jack can I be involved in the process from over here?"
"Of course sweetheart. My old realtor use to arrange everything for me and send me packages across the globe."
"Dylan can you get those details off your Dad and call the realtor with your list of requirements-"
"Can't you just come home now?"
"Sure and when Dad sees me arrive on the nightly news at your house he won't lock me away forever. Baby can you call the realtor and maybe see a few of them before I get back, if you don't want to go alone then take Brandon or Kelly-"
"Sweetheart Dylan obviously wants you included and my realtor, well it's Iris and my old one can make videos of the places and send you a full range of photo packages. Their agency has an office in London so they may have some of the photo packages there to send you straight away." My wife understanding what I was doing continues for me.
"Yes Darling, and I can see the property with Dylan if he needs a second pair of eyes. I know Brandon knows you better than nearly anyone but practical things like house layout requires a woman's eye, and while Kelly is nice I can tell just by looking at your different fashion aesthetic she's a little more contemporary a little more swept up in the latest trend, you my Darling are more elegant classic. Very different tastes."
"I think what my parents are saying is it would be easier if you were here. Go to the airport now I'll have a ticket waiting for you at the Air France desk."
She sighs in exasperation, "Dylan can you please take me off speakerphone. Night Iris, night Jack and thank you for your suggestions."
I take the phone into my bedroom once again. "Baby is this all too much change? You're getting stuck on me being home and Dyl even when I get there our problems aren't going to disappear, just new ones will pop up. I'm trying to clear some of the challenges off your plate so when I return in nine days-"
"Eight day's and thirteen hours."
"When I return in eight day's and thirteen hours your plate won't be so overwhelming. Look your mum has offered to purchase a place if it's easier-"
"No it's important to me that any place I live in is ours, I don't want to have to comply with anyone else's rules."
"Yeah I thought as much, and with dad's recent threat I'm sure you are even more firm on that now."
"I'm happy for them both to stay there but I can't live in their homes, even mum's. I want to know that it's mine and it's permanent, that it doesn't depend on their whims. Does that make sense?"
"Yes Baby it does. Can you talk to the realtor tomorrow and then get them to send me a few Listings? I'll just ask you to see the ones I like."
I agree and then spend the rest of the time running through our list of requirements, it has to be in the school district to maintain my enrolment which is fine. I want a fence and gate around the property, twenty- four hours of pushing through the media and living in a curtained house has been claustrophobic enough- I need the security of a fence. We discuss bedrooms and bathrooms. I want nothing too big but a little separation so that if we do stay in LA and my Dad does stay for three year's then we aren't living on top of each other.
When we have a clear list, she moves on to asking if I need to reach out to Ben or do I need Brandon to take me to blow off steam. She knows that while the surf and volleyball game was a distraction today I didn't discuss my parents with Kelly that was not something I would do, not even Brandon would hear all of that. It's only her I trust absolutely. I just want her home, I just miss her. Six weeks is just too much.
The next morning it's clear that the house is too small, especially with the ever present media making us into hostages. Dad packed up the futon before I got up but unlike mum and I who can disappear into our rooms he and his limited stuff can't. He does though disappear to the back porch to sit in the sun for his morning coffee, which I take mine out there to join him.
"How was the futon?"
"It's fine an upgrade from my cell bed."
"Sorry about the small space and no room-"
"Son my last place had communal shower's and guards who watched you sleep in a room you shared with a total stranger. Relax I'm great here, more than great." I see him look inside for the second time, I don't blame him if Bren was in there I would be doing the same.
"She meditates every morning. In Hawaii and when she lived here last year it drove me crazy the meditating, the sounds, the crystals, the card's, and don't get me started on the incense."
"And now?"
"It's how she came back enough to sit by my bed when I was three and read to me each night as a kid, how she was able to be brave enough to call every few months once she left and risk your wrath. I don't know how I'd cope waking up for nine years fearing that the bottom could fall out again, not knowing what would cause it and when it could happen."
"She was always the bravest person I knew, she was always willing to go into the unknown try something different. I just didn't realise how truly brave she is until I got that letter."
We go quiet for a bit, understanding Iris has opened up so much of our history. It's made me consider my childhood from her perspective, something I know I wouldn't have been ready to reflect on last year if she had told me. To my mother though her illness still doesn't lessen my hurt, she still fells responsible for it all.
"Brenda… well I can understand why your mother refers to her as her daughter."
I smile into my coffee, "yeah a few months ago even knowing how I feel about her I would have felt that was too much, that we were too young."
"And now?"
"Jim's threat… I was going to go for a drive after the meeting and figure it out by myself. I was going to let my self doubt that I couldn't rely on anyone take over. Instead I u-turned and came home to Bren, the person who even when we weren't together I could rely on. For a moment I almost lost sight of it, it made me cling more. Then Mum and you, it's completely solid between Bren and I, unbreakable but it can be buried can't it? Covered up and forgotten about like a lost relic."
"It doesn't feel quite like it's totally gone but it can be drowned out. When something starts to bury it or in my case a tsunami pushes it to the bottom of the ocean in an instant… well lust can distract you for a bit- it did for a few years for me. Illusions of love can also work a treat, they feel meaningful until you realise you are in love with the idea of being in love again rather than the person. I had one of those in Suzanne, you were too young to know her, and it's pretty telling that I didn't want to introduce her to the most important person in my life. The thrill of the game for me was the most successful at drowning out the knowledge that I was going against my instinct that she was missing."
"Your version of drinking I guess."
"Addiction is in the McKay line; your great-grandfather, grandfather, me, you. Lucky or unlucky for us it only sticks when we feel lost, we can fight the urge or for me it goes to sleep like a old dog in a corner of the room. It's too comfortable to stir awake unless we are under attack and then it stirs not to help us fight but to give us an escape. It destroys us even more."
"Yeah that's a good analogy. At AA some people describe their addiction as a constant need, I don't relate to that but it's loud as hell and fierce when I'm under pressure. It creeps out of no where."
"Yeah it's why we have to watch ourselves can't let those defences down. Alcohol never has done it for me, I don't like the loss of control but the game to me well it can be harmless and then suddenly it's not. I was completely reckless by the end daring them to figure it out to come after me."
"You wanted to be caught?"
"The game had lost its rush. The thing about addiction you need to keep going harder to keep the buzz."
"Dad I was there you were beyond reckless, you were dragging me into meeting people. You got out though and you could have stayed gone, why return to LA?"
"Dylan I don't think you know how wanted you were. You weren't an accident you were planned. Every month, every test that was negative we were so disappointed until it wasn't. We had your nursery set up from the start of the second trimester, everyone said it was bad luck but we didn't care we were too excited. I tried… I tried a lot to be the dad I always wanted to be for you and some day's I could almost get it right-"
"Someday's Dad you were pretty perfect."
"Not after the divorce. When she was at least around I could pretend, I could pretend that I could be okay- that a friendship was enough. Some days we would even flirt a little, I'd put my arm around her for a photo at a society function and she'd lean into me more than needed. Those day's you got the best of me."
"It's not the same but I kind of get it, Bren and I… I guess you should know as it's another mark against me with Jim. We had a pregnancy scare at the start of last summer just before you came back. It was a lot she felt overwhelmed and I couldn't deal with it, it was negative but she broke up with me. That whole summer I didn't know if I had lost her for good, you were arrested, my accident, the US accounts frozen, Mum… she stood by me as my best friend but I needed her as more than that. I clung onto her every chance I got, she would stand next to me and my arms would instantly be around her. It's not the same but I know if she wasn't there if I couldn't see her, couldn't pretend to still be the most important person to her, then I'd have drowned in that bottle. I wouldn't have cared about anything or anyone anymore."
We are quiet for a long time with nothing to distract us, neither of us have any coffee left to drink and this conversation has gone places I didn't expect it to, after a while my Dad finally stands, "want another cup?" I nod. "I should get you that number you could set up some viewing's today bring their office cameraman with you for Brenda. Are there still three flights to Paris daily?"
I give him a curious look, "yeah I think so."
"Well you take the videos and the pictures today, the package leaves on tomorrow mornings flight 12 hours in the air, 9 hour time difference Brenda could wake up with them the day after tomorrow. Your mum tells me her hotel is pretty basic so maybe you could book her a room at our old one to look at them. She could make a weekend of it, see Paris properly you know McKay style. I mean since she will soon have to deal with the media hassle of the name she should see the perks as well, make her more comfortable when she eventually signs with it." I smile he gets that she'll be one of us, that she is one of us.
I think about what he is saying and what he isn't, "those tapes and photos are pretty important especially as I want to buy a bigger and safer house immediately."
"Yeah couriers are great but I've lost a few packages over the years, and this package seems to be especially time sensitive as it sounds like Jim may not be so open to her seeing you let alone helping you house hunt when she gets back. The sooner she gets the tapes and can help you decide on a place the better." I give him a meaningful look I know what he is suggesting but this could be reckless if Jim found out.
"You know with the media out the front your mum and I will be trapped inside here all day, maybe once you've seen a few houses you come and take your Mum and I out for dinner. Though I imagine that may stir the pot an awful lot, it might mean for at least the next three day's we will all have to stay locked in the house till they calm down again."
Three day's we'd be able to hide me being gone for, two twelve hour flights, it would leave me with two full day's alone with her in Paris.