This is supoosed to be a short crack story! It's somethinv I thought up of while on vacation. It's nothing too serious but if you want a full story then let me know!
Only the sound of the air condition could be heard in the deathly quiet captain's quarters. Sprawling across the room's bed was the exhausted form of Commander Jane Shepard. She was extremely exhausted after barely stopping a near lethal brawl beyween their newest recruit and Grunt. Now she barely had enough strength to stay awake. Sometimes Jane wished she had said no to their new resident toublemaker. Alas, it was too late for second thoughts.
Commander Shepard strongly suspected their newest recruit would've killed somebody by now if it weren't for her constant reminders to not kill their own party. 'What a day, what else could go wrong?', Jane thought silently. Her mind wandered back to the time she recruited...the demon known as Grim.
A Week Ago - Illium
What was supoosed to be a simple recruitment mission turned out to be an ugly affair. They were supposed to be recruiting a justicar, not fighting an endless horde of Eclipse Mercenaries! Mass accelerator slugs zoomed past the party's heads, pinning them down.
"Damnit, who the hell called in reinforcements?!", Garrus groaned while taking pot shots at the entrenched mercs.
"Maybe they ought to fuck off!", Jack yells as she hurls two mercs into a cargo container.
Things were going rather poorly right after the party stepped through the police barricade into the crime scene. A literal horde of Eclipse mercs were present and made it their mission to make things as annoying as possible for them to advance.
"Sniper 3 o'clock!"
Garrus then spun around and managed to dome the sniper that was pestering the trio. 'One down, a thousand to go. Progress', Jane sarcastically muttered under her breath. She hoped the Justicar was worth the trouble. As if her day couldn't get worse, a rogue gunship decided to join the party and blast the group.
"We need some heavy firepower to take that thing down!", Garrus noted as their weapons did barely any damage to the gunship.
"Got any ideas Birdy?!", Jack huffs as she senfs a warp at a nearby mech before ripping it apart with SMG fire.
Then as if things couldn't get bad enough, several Eclipse commandos emerge and begin hurling crates at the group. The Garrus immediately began laying cover fire to slow down the commandos' advance. A merc notices Garrus and fired a missile at him, hitting near Garrus and knocking him over.
"Shit!", Jane swore.
Now she had to split her attention between the commandos and gunship pestering her. She had to cover for Garrus until he could recover. She grimaced, feeling a bit foolish for not packing more heavy weaponry. Now they were slowly getting pushed back. it would be a miracle if she could get the passanger dossier.
As if the the universe heard her prayer, a young woman wearing black robes and cloak walks into the fray with a mad grin on her face. Her piercing red eyes had hints of insanity dancing on them. What caught everyone off guard was the girl's weapon of choice, a massive 8 foot tall scythe even larger than her body. The sight made even the Eclipse mercs pause before some of them thrned their guns on her. The girl just laughed darkly before leaning back.
"Who the fuck are you little girl?!", an Eclipse commando demands.
"It's time for DEATHHHH!!!", the mystery girl cackles madly as she jumps in.
"Take her!"
Nobody expected the carnage thag would ensue. Limbs flew everywhere as the mysterious girl quite literally bisected or dismembered her opponents with her massive scythe. Soon the bemused expressions of the mercs turned into that of horror seeing their comrades being beutally slain. Bullets and biotics didn't do anything to slow down the girl, if it anything amuses her.
"Is that all you got?!", the mystery girl cackles.
"Holy shit!", a merc screams before she was bisected.
"I like her already!", Jack yells gleefully.
"More like another psycho", Garrus groaned, not thrilled to have another potential psycho join the crew.
The pyschotic girl giggles as she grips the last Eclipse commando and grips their jaw before brutally ripping apart their jaws bloater style! She then threw her scythe at the gunship, causing kt to explode to the shock of the trio. The girl mockingly bows before Shepard's party before wiping off blood from her forehead.
"That was some enteance right there", Jane raised her eyebrow.
"Aww, thanks! I'm Grim!", the girl giggles.
"Grim, like in the Grim Reaper?", Jane asked humorously.
"Yep! I always wnated to be like the GOAT so I dress up and act like him!", Grim chuckles and twirls her massive scythe around.
"Great, now we got some insanse cosplayer...", Garrus muttered unfer his breath, only to have Jack nudge him.
"I hear you're going after some powerful foes!", Grim giggles.
"You could say that. We could use a fighter like you", Jane offered. Maybe this long slog would be worth it after all. Jane would get blth a Justicar and a possibly insane cosplayer all in one mission. 'Killing two birds with one stone', Jane mentally smirked. 'Grim would fit right in with our crazy family'. Jane had no idea how much she'd regret her next choice.
"Really?! I wanna join!!!!", Grim squealled in delight, much to the annoyance of Garrus.
"Welcome aboard", Jane smiles warmly and offers a hand. However Grim was so excited that she immediately bolted to the next area to get the passanger dossier, her black robes billowing behind her.
"She's eager for sure", Jack laughs. "Wonder how long the Mercs will last."
"Probably less than a minute", Garrus stated flatly.
Garrus' suspicions were correct when they saw a traumatized drugged Volus, claiming he used to be a biotic god before he met one. Behind the Volus was a scene of pure carnage with Asari bodies splattered aross the shipping bay. There were no signs of the Eclipse Captain, probably splattered like her crew. The bodies were in various states, ranging from being bisected to being eviscerated. Shepard squints and vaguely sees the dismembered torso of an Eclipse captain. Standing at the center of the carnage was Grim, holding the passanger dossier like an eager puppy.
"I got your passanger dossier!", Grim proudly proclaimed.
"Wow kid, you're good", Jack whistles, impressed by the new recruit.
"Thanks!", Grim squeals as she happily hands Jane the dossier.
Jane looked and the dossier and gave Grim a firm handshake. Jane was visibly impressed by Grim's ability. She was eager to see her new recuit's abilities tested against the Collectors. 'With a crew like mine, we'll be able to strike back against the Collector bastards', Jane confidently thought. Now they needed to return to the Justicar to recruit her for the mission. This should be easy.
A Few Minutes Later
"I'm gonna kill you!"
"Nobody's killing anyone on my watch!"
Jane Shepsrd was having a headache trying to separate Grim from Samara. Apparently having a Justicar around such a bloodthirsty individual was a terrible idea since Samara immediately said Grim had a "dark aura" around them. To add insult to injury, Samara tried to touch Grim's scythe!Grim now was one second away from decapitating Samara with their scythe.
"She tried to touch my scythe and called me evil!", Grim pouts.
"Then stop giving her s reason to call you that!", Shepard groans.
"This one needs to be watched carefully", Samara calmy stated, not seemingly bothered by the psychotic girl actively trying to kill her.
Jane facepalms, feeling she was trying to babysit a young child rather than a fully grown adult. 'This is gonna be a long day', Jane groans internally. She had hoped Grim would contain her bloodlust towards only to the enemies yet apparently her hitlist included allies if she felt slighted. Jane tried to use her biotics to pull apart Grim but it only annoyed her.
"You can't kill your own team! That's friendly fire and not allowed!"
"What's friendly fire? You mean I can't kill my allies?", Grim looks genuinely confused.
"YES!", Jane yells, exasperated at Grim's seemingly nonexistence social skills.
"Ohhhh...", she nods and finally lowers her scythe, much to the relief of Jane.
Jane had no idea where Grim was from but wherever it was had to be either a criminal hellhole or a remote planet. Jane made a mental note to talk to Grim and teach her more about social skills because not killing your allies should be the most basic social skills even toddlers should know. Yet apparently a grown ass adult had to be taught that. 'She's worse than Jack!', Jane facepalms internally.
"Are we done here?", Samara asks calmly.
"For now! I'll still get you back!", Grim swore.
"Can I expect you not to kill anyone over small insults?", Jane asks hopefully.
"Yes...probably. I'm try not to", Grim says mischievously, much to the disbelief of Shepard.
A Day Later
It was a peaceful day until a scream wailed through the Normandy. That promptly awoke Jane from her much needed rest. She had no idea what it was but she had an idea it was related to Grim. 'That girl's worth almost as much trouble as her use', Jane groans. Jane groggily got up from her bed and put on her sweatshirt before investigating.
"EDI, what's going on?"
"Grim is demanding more food or she'd grill tje mess sergeant...literally."
"Oh fuck me!", Jane groans as she rushed into the elevator. After what felt like forever, the elevator delivered her to the desired floor and she ran to the mess hall. Inside was Grim holding Mess Sergeant Gartner over a grill, her signagure scythe over the man's neck. He looked positively terrified as Grim was about to turn him into BBQ.
"What in the living hell sre you doing Grim?!"
"I'm hungry and he says I'm eating too much!", Grim complains.
"She's eaten double her allocated amount!", Gartner protested.
"Well a big girl like me needs a lot of food! i'm starving!", Grim growls. She twists the grill nobs, turning it on. She grins wickedly, thinking about how delicious it'll be to have fresh steaks and ribs for dinner. Her mouth salivates at the thought of such juicy meat in her mouth. She then felt Shepard slap her face, much to her snnoyance.
"What was that for?!"
"Stop it! If you want more food then just the me to order you kore food! We are a family onboard this ship and we don't eat each otjer for god's sake!"
"Okay! Then I want this much food!", Grim whips out her shoping list.
"Let's see...", Jane said as she grabbed the list. Her eyes widen the more she read the list. '5 pounds of either steak or ribs wach day?! 2 loaves of garlic bread?! 2 pounds of bacon?! This girl's gonna bankrupt me!', Shepard cringes internally. That'll easily cost her over a thousand credits per month extra in supplies. And she was saving up for the brand new Black Widow the Alliance unveiled. Looks like that's gone out the window.
"You're gonna break my back with thay list", Gartner groans, not lookinv forward to cooking for the ever hungry Grim.
"Be lucky you're no longer on the menu buster", Grim rolls her eyes.
"Can we please not have another fight?", Jane pleads.
Just as those words left their lips, Grim spots Grunt holding a juicy Tomahawk steak. She licks her lips and eyes the steak hungrily. Grim was starving and damnit, she'd get that steak even if it meant beating somebody to a pulp! Jane saw that Grim was about to do and tried to restrain her. Yet it was too late as Grim sprang into action and immeidately began wrestling Grunt for the steak.
"My steak!"
"It's my meat human!"
"No Grim, no!"
Jane furiously tried to wrestle Grim off of Grunt, the latter trying to wrestle the steak out of his grip. Grunt roars and tries to push her onto a wall, but she does a backflip and used his momentum against him by slamminb him into the wall instead. Dazed, Grunt could only watch in horror as Grim took the steak and smugly began eating the steak in front of him.
"You can't just fight or steal from your teammates!"
"Wait really? That's lame!", Grim looks baffled. She didn't have time to say anything else as an enraged Grunt rams into her side.
"My meat!", Grunt roars as he tackles Grim and ate the steak in one bite.
"Noooo!!", Grim falls onto the ground, clutching her heart like she just lost a loved one. She started weeping and wailing, much to the confusion of everyone else. Soon Grim was sobbing for over ten minutes straight.Who knew the deadliest member of the crew had the mentality of a child? Jane just facepalms before going next to Grim.
"I'll take you to a steakhouse on the Citadel, how about that?"
"Really?! Aww, thanks Commander!", Grim beams and instantly gets up to grip the commander in a crushing bear hug.
"Yeah, please not too hard", Shepard wheezed as Grim tightened the hug. This was ridiculous! Not only was she was forced to babysit the deadliest member of the group, but she also had to teach them basic social skills! This was gonna be a very long mission wasn't it?
And that's a wrap! Thoughts? See you in 1-2 weeks!!