Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.

Chapter Forty-Four:

Her hair tickling my nose draws me from sleep for the third day in a row. As I try and figure out the time without turning my head or relinquishing the hold I have on my wife, I wonder if there will come a time in our long life together that that tickle will be met with frustration rather than the comfort it currently brings me.

The comfort that it's not a dream. That this house. My parents. Our marriage is not a drunken delusion or a crazy trip from a pill consumed at Eve's or some other shallow dive bar on The Strip.

"Hmmmmm you are thinking too hard. You, okay?" My wife's half asleep raspy voice draws me back from the rabbit hole of misery my thoughts were about to send me on, imagining a world without her, the world I lived before her.

I kiss the back of her head and pull her even closer, if that's even physically possible. "Sorry, to have woken you with my inner thoughts." It's a ridiculous idea saying it out loud, but less of one when I consider my mother's idea of twin flames. From the start we've been able to communicate with only our eyes or touch, why couldn't she hear my thoughts. "I'm just thinking how much I love waking up with you, how lucky I am to get to do this forever."

"Hmmmmm you say that now Dyl but wait a few days when my cramps come and I'm going to be sleeping in a ball. You might think differently then."

"Baby, I've been around you when you've had your period before it won't make me change my mind." She rolls over with her eyes closed, snuggling into my chest.

"Hmmm the first day is usually pretty rubbish and sleeping being stationary for so long makes the pain worse. You haven't seen that or tried to sleep next to me tossing and turning, you may hate sharing a bed with me then."

I don't dignify that last statement, she knows that it would never be true, but from the conversation being raised again I am beginning to think she's a little self conscious about sharing this much space with me while on her period.

Yesterday morning, as we were getting ready for the day she casually raised her period coming in two day's. She was frustrated that Thursday she would be both battling through another committee meeting, this time at the BelAge whilst also dealing with her first day of cramps; she didn't bring up that she would also be peak PMSing by then, and I wasn't that stupid to raise that as an added complication; usually on her period she was extra extra Bren like. The house would be spotless, my study notes would be reorganised, and her stubbornness would be off the charts, along with her ice cream needs. I didn't clock the warning then taking it as a casual frustration of the week ahead, but now I'm starting to see that the conversation was both a recognition of bad timing as well as her attempt to let me know that she was going to have her first period with us now living together as man and wife. It's not like it was new to me and her, but… okay maybe sharing a bathroom and a bed does bring in a few new elements that we never had to deal with when we were dating.

"I don't like that it's so painful for you, but your body is one day going to grow and carry our children I kind of think it's weirdly magical, I guess." Her cute snort slash chuckle is ended with a soft kiss on my peck.

"Let's see how magical you feel without our morning and night shower together and going without for five days."

I rub her back while I shake my head, the dramatics of my wife continually amuse me. "We can still-"

She pulls back eyes now open, "we can't."

"We can it's just a question of trust, intimacy. Baby we have seventy year's and hopefully longer than that together. I don't want distance for five days out of the month for the next thirty of those years. I'm going to see you in all states, you've already seen me in some pretty miserable ones. I want us to be comfortable with each other. Look I love the way you look but I don't love you because of that or that we have an awesome sex life. You and me… I love you for you, and I love that I can be me in all my messed up way's and you still love me. Even last year, being drunk and damaged you still loved me, I could still feel it- I've never known love like that, like this. This absolute acceptance. I don't want us to put walls up around each other on anything, and I don't want you uncomfortable with something that's so natural."

She bites her lip, a sign she is processing trying to determine how she really feels. "Let's see okay, I'm not… let's see." Her unease of the idea is clear.

"Hey if it bothers you you can have all the space you want, but know it won't bother me, and honestly, I kind of like the idea that we will know each other in every way."

She looks at me assessing my sincerity, clearly seeing that I was being completely honest with her; that I love her unconditionally. "I'll take that under advisement."

We didn't talk any further on it as I began to wake my wife up in my favourite way, well I pretended it was her wake up call. The alarm ringing unfortunately forced us out of bed, and as we get ready for the day I notice the signs that she was feeling anxious again. It had started on Monday morning, three outfit changes before she settled on one. Tuesday it had been her hair; she even suggested cutting in when she couldn't find a look she wanted, I quickly tried to veto that. Today it was her makeup. Brandon had helped on Sunday but it didn't completely take away her unease of seeing Kelly each day, of wondering what our friends parents were saying about us to their kids each night. About how she was once again feeling like an outsider in Beverly Hills.

On her third groan of frustration that her eye pencil thing wasn't sitting where she wanted it, I wrap my arms around her from behind.

"Mrs McKay. Do you know our family was the first of the millionaires in this town? That we have a significant part in a family trust that is… well let's just say I don't think anyone in our school comes close to it."

Her eyebrow raises, "your point, because you don't brag about money ever!?"

"No, it's in bad taste, and it's meaningless in lots of ways, but as a shy kid I knew it gave me the edge over the people who it does matter to. The people who walk the halls of our school judging. To them it's important, to them the size of it is relevant as is the length of time it has been in the family for. New money is not the same to them as old, and ours, Mum's is some of the biggest and well oldest in the country."

"Okay…"

"What I'm trying to say is, you are no longer that Minnesota girl who doesn't feel like she fits in. You fit, you fit more than most of them so their opinions are irrelevant."

"Dyl… I love you for trying but I don't want to be defined by your wallet."

"One it's our wallet. And two I don't want either of us defined by that. What I'm trying to say is stop feeling self conscious over these people, their values aren't ours and what they value they both hate and envy us for because ours is bigger and older than they could ever hope for. Baby they want to fit in with you you don't need to worry about not fitting in with them."

She moves indicting she wants to be released from my arms. As she moves into our dressing room I follow, "I… I didn't need to fit in, I stopped needing that. Once we made our gang I didn't need anyone else I didn't care about making more friends outside of ours, but I'm feeling funny about the gang now. I can't tell Donna or Andrea about Kelly because… well I don't think they'll think of it like we do. Steve it will only hurt, and David's her brother, and I can't keep hiding between you and Brandon it's not me. And without our gang… it's heightening everyone else's perceptions of me; I feel like when I leave here I'm constantly on show being watched." She grabs her boots and sits down, not making eye contact.

"You know B and I will always have your back?"

My words don't sooth and instead she pulls on her boot a little forcefully, "I know but I don't need you to. I don't like feeling like I need to hide behind you or Brandon."

"Baby, I don't… how can I help? I need you to tell me how I can help because I don't like seeing you like this every morning."

Once her second boot is on she walks over to me and kisses my cheek. "It's fine okay, and honestly I think this is just going to take time. Time and maybe a long phone call with Val; I think I just need to have a person hear me who I know is completely on my side."

"I'm physically and in every way… our souls are made from the same thing. I'm literally your side!"

She smiles and kisses my lips trying to calm down my frustration, "I know that. And Brandon is my brother, but Val she doesn't have history with these people, she also isn't in love with me. I need her take on this, I need her to tell me if I'm being dramatic or if I'm being too calm. I need someone who loves me but is distant and honest enough that would never let me appear like a fool or do something stupid."

"And I would?"

"You know how you sometimes need Brandon over me-"

"Never." She gives me her I'm calling bullshit look, "it's… I don't need him over you he just gets the guy thing's."

"And Val gets the girl things."

Hmmmmm. "So what you are saying is I can't help?"

"You help me always. You trying is helping, your frustration is also helping- it makes me feel how important I am to you. But sometimes I also may need other help to, beyond you and Brandon."

I get it I do, but her words bother me. We made promises this summer and we have strived to keep them, and it's in the vain I voice my feelings, however irrational and selfish they may be. "Right now, after so many months apart I'm struggling to share you. I accepted B because you know twin but… I know our balance is important. I know we can be obsessive over the other, that we need balance to keep us healthy-"

"And I told you the other day I know you need the obsessive for a little bit, and if I'm being honest I need it too. But me needing Val's input is not me needing someone else."

"It's not that you want to talk to Val. It's that it makes me feel like I'm not doing this husband thing right if you can't talk to me."

Her tone instantly changes, "Baby you are doing this husband thing perfectly."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

I wrap my arms around her, drawing her close. "You know I'm so happy. The past week and a half you living here, us together, everyone knowing you're my wife and I'm your husband. I'm so happy. I just worry it's not the same for you."

"That part all of that is the same for me, and I wouldn't give it up for anything- being married to you is perfection. The other stuff… you are worried about me right?" I nod. "That worry does it lessen your happiness make you doubt us being married and together?"

"No of course not, I don't like you upset but… no I love being married to you."

"I carry that same worry it's just not for you it's for everything else, but like yours it doesn't lessen the joy of being your wife and sharing a home together. And I love that at night when we come in behind our gates we can let it fall away and just be us." She begins to pull away taking my hand guiding me out to our bedroom indicating it's time to go. "Baby I love that you want to make this right for me but I don't think you can. You heard Brandon he thinks this is the price I have to pay for this happiness."

"What's my price? Because I'm feeling it's unfair on you."

She stops at the top of the stairs and looks at me like she doesn't know if I'm being serious or saying a joke. "Baby, your life for seventeen year's with your family, your sixteen year's without me, your battles with addiction. Dyl you out of everyone I know deserves all the happiness in the world. You don't have anything to feel guilty for. Nothing between us is unfair. You get that right?"

I just shrug my shoulders, because I get it but if I could take more to get rid of this for her I would happily take more.

She shakes her head and once again reading my mind comes closer, "you are ridiculously sweet, but you can't have these battles too. I need them, I need to be your equal in all things and going through trials, being unsure of who to trust, feeling a little alone with the girls, it won't ever be the same as what you have experienced but it all helps me understand a spec of what you may have felt at times."

"I don't want that for you."

"And you think I want you to have gone through that? Even if it's got us here. I think that price was too high."

I pull her closer to me. "Mrs McKay no price would be too high for this, having you with me forever."

Dylan worried about me throughout the day, like he had been since Monday. It was obvious that I was suddenly quieter with the gang. Steve not knowing what was going on had tried all week to make me smile and at times I pretended it worked. Kelly though knew it wasn't real, it was four day's since her confession and in true Kelly fashion she had already used up all her remorse and was now getting frustrated that I wasn't over it; that I wasn't back to normal with her. Andrea and Donna were confused but neither asked me about the tension, I imagine because they wanted to stay neutral or because maybe they knew and were wondering why I was carrying on. Either way school was uncomfortable, both with the gang and because the shock had worn off and now disbelief and speculation had started to creep in; how had a MidWest nobody married the somebody.

When we arrived home Iris asked Dylan to take her to the seafood market they went to over the summer, she had a desire to prepare us all a seafood feast tonight and didn't want to risk consuming anything with pollutants in it. I declined the drive as I wanted to get ahead on my readings and Jack begged off, I think he wanted Iris to have some time alone with Dylan.

Forty minutes into my note taking Jack came knocking on Dylan and my study door. "Hey Darling, you want an afternoon snack? I was planning on opening some more Irish Snack Bar's and maybe some King's Crisps."

I smile up from the desk. Jack ate nearly as bad as Dylan used to, it was obvious where my husband had inherited his rubbish diet from. Closing my text I rise from the desk, "Is there tea being offered as well?"

He begins to walk ahead of me knowing that even if there was no tea I was coming for a taste of his treasured chocolates. "Only Irish, I'm not ruining chocolate with herbal tea."

"I thought you drank herbal tea now."

"I do. Just like Dylan eats some of his vegetables now without complaint. McKay men know how to keep our girls happy and mine believes that tea calms down my mood."

As we make it down to the main floor we turn in the direction of the kitchen. "You know study's say it does relax you?"

"Hmmmm it's because it tastes so bad, you truly contemplate if a longer life is worth it."

"Jack!" Another inherited trait my husband has, both could be outrageous or toss out the perfect line. It's what made them both so charismatic.

My tea being placed in front on me on the kitchen bench surprises me, I was consumed with carefully folding the silver wrapper that had covered the Snack Bar that I was nibbling on. "So you want to talk about it?"

I look up ready to deny anything was wrong but my father in law gave me his stern look; his don't bullshit a bullshitter look. My eyes retreat down to my folding. "I just feel like an outsider at the moment, disconnected from the gang, my parents, the happenings at school. I'm looked at differently. People looked at me like that when Dylan and I first dated, I thought it was so cool at first how they'd stare until I realised, that like Kelly they were waiting for their turn. When it didn't happen, he didn't dump me or get bored of me I could hear them sometimes behind my back whispering, often times not very quietly. They were shocked that he was still with me that he choose me. It went away in junior year, especially when I broke up with him and… well Dylan wasn't okay with that and everyone knew. He made it clear that he didn't want us to break up or stay broken up." My fingers have folded the wrapper as small as it can go, it makes me reach for the mug as another object to focus my energy on. "It's like that again, the shock of us married is gone and now they are wondering how I got the McKay. It also doesn't help that the stories of Iris's family are coming up more, it makes him choosing me even more shocking."

"Kid, I get it. Believe me. They are still confused about why she married me, especially the old families. It's why I wanted to succeed so much, prove that she wasn't wrong."

Jack may pretend he's not as into Iris' new age habits, but it was clear his soul searching in jail had continued. He was playing catch-up after Iris' declaration over the summer about her illness. He was trying to figure out how he lost his way and how he became a man he despised, inflicting on his son some if the pain that had been inflicted on him by his father. His honesty makes me look up, a confession deserves the respect of eye contact. "Did Iris know that?"

His tiny shrug, another Dylan trait, answers my question. It's their I'm not sure gesture. "She would have said it's unnecessary, and to her it was. She never needed more than us than me. But she doesn't get being an outsider to these people, my son doesn't get it either. He's known wealth and power from me all his life, with the limited access I gave Iris she took him to New York to see play's but really it was excuses for him to meet her cousins, and there he glimpsed the old world his mother's family helped create." He passes over another Snack Bar. "Honey, I love my wife" I raise my eyebrow in challenge, "don't you start, she's my wife. Period. Anyway I love her but to her this lifestyle means nothing because it's filled with pain, it's a burden. It's also completely normal for her to feel like she holds court in it, to slip back into the role she has had since birth. Dylan shrugs it off as if it's nothing but you know as well as I, he knows that he is and will always be accepted by these people- it's a given a birth right. His fear that summer I went to jail, of having nothing of having to ask a woman he felt had rejected him for help, it's made him look at it a little differently now. He knows he needs the security it offers, his wealth and status has been the most stable part of his life. It's made him both more cautious with it but also more comfortable admitting to what it means to have it."

"Yeah." Dylan only spoke about it with me, but Jack's right losing it, having Dad control it, having Dad threaten it- Dylan looked at it slightly differently now. Not in a bad way, but it was different than his once indifference to it. "Does this world ever get easier?"

He comes around the island and squeezes my shoulder, "sweetheart you and me are actor's. We know how to give a performance, whether that be me convincing business people I was confident with my investment advice or you convincing people you are the character you want to portray. We play the parts and hide the truths. My advice once you leave this house, those gates, become The Mrs McKay the one who knows her place in society. Be true to who you are as much as possible, but don't ever let them see your doubt, see you care about their opinions. This town, this wealth, it makes people look for holes in the armour- don't let them see any."

I look at my father in law for a moment, trying to gauge his seriousness, understand what that has meant for him. "Have you ever trusted anyone?"

"My wife… until I didn't. I'm learning to trust her again though, and Dylan and you."

"It sounds lonely."

"It was, but you know that. You know I built my son in the same image."

"He trusted others though, not just me."

"No Sweetheart, he trusted that he knew how to predict their behaviour. That's not the same as trusting the person, that's trusting that you know how to play the person."

I nod. Dylan told me the summer we broke up that I was the only one he trusted. I never really understood how significant that truly was for him, how living in this world, and especially with his experience how vulnerable that declaration made him.

Before we can say more, Dylan and Iris return home, and the night is full of the comfort that our home offers. It's nights like this that are laying a trust that has been hard earned for each of them, and one I have a new appreciation for. I know this will be foundational to us as a family, and that like Dylan and me it will make us all unbreakable.