Savior Chapter 4, a smallville fanfic

Things today were not going to plan. At all.

After he had grabbed a few hours of sleep in the loft, because he surely wasn't going to risk Lois stumbling upon his sleeping form, he had returned to the Fortress with a renewed ambition to continue his training. When he had first woken up, he had vowed that he would still go along with his original decision to say goodbye to her. Last night had been a simple lapse in judgement and had been the result of nothing more than the last bits of his folly emotions coming to the surface. At least, that's what he told himself. But when it came time to leave the farm and return to his fortress of frozen solitude, he found himself walking towards the front door without realizing it. Her steady heartbeat and breaths invaded his mind once again as he unconsciously checked to see that she was okay and as he remembered sitting next to her in the early hours of the morning, her scent enveloping him and the heat of her skin against his, he knew that he was only fooling himself. He couldn't let her go.

He needed her in his life, even if she was at a distance, and he had to accept that fact. He figured that if he was able to come to terms with the fact that he needed her, no matter what his father thought, then he could still continue his training. All he really needed to know was that she was okay. She was back and she was safe, sleeping soundly in his bed. That thought gave rise to other emotions he had to quickly tamper down, lest they completely overwhelmed him and turned him into a total lost cause, but he at least had the strength to be able to control those thoughts and feelings. If he compared her to the rest of the people in Metropolis and the world, it was easier. He wanted all of humanity safe, just like he wanted her to be safe, so knowing she was back was enough to allow him to focus on his training again. It had to be.

But as soon as he stepped foot in the Fortress, he knew that he was done for.

Jor-El had immediately sensed that something was wrong and asked him what had been troubling him. He told him nothing and that he was completely fine, to which the emotionless voice replied that he was simply intellect, so there was pretty much no use in hiding whatever it was. So, reluctantly, he told him that he'd found Lois at the farm last night and that she was safe. He had somewhat rambled about how he had only wanted to make sure that she was okay and found no injuries when he examined her, then defended himself without cause, stating that she was no different than any other innocent human, which, of course, Jor-El refuted.

"You cannot fool yourself, just as you cannot fool me. It is evident that you are still struggling to overcome your emotions, Kal-El. You cannot avoid them and expect to succeed."

That, of course, had only made him defensive. Of course, he was struggling. He still couldn't fly, even in simulations, and Jor-El was still giving him riddle after riddle. He wasn't trying to avoid his emotions, he was trying to control them. Unfortunately, he just wasn't doing a very good job. He had argued with Jor-El for a little while more before he said he was done talking and wished to begin his training for the day. Jor-El had relented, but it wasn't fifteen minutes later that he was pulling him out of a lesson due to the fact that he was unable to focus. Frustrated, he had beaten a crystal pillar to a pulp and Jor-El had sent him away. Basically, he had just been put in Kryptonian time out. So he'd sped to Metropolis to clear his mind.

There was never as much for him to do during the day than there was at night in the city. Most criminals found it easier to move and hide in the shadows, as did he, but that didn't mean some of them didn't take their chances under the sun, especially in areas like Suicide Slums. But today, after stopping an attempted car-jacking and putting out a minimal apartment fire, the lawbreakers of Metropolis seemed to be giving him a break, not that he wanted one. In fact, he wanted something, anything, to keep him preoccupied, but apparently, he wasn't going to get off that easy. It appeared as if everyone in the world was playing the same game and he was on the opposing team. As he stood on the ledge of the Daily Planet rooftop, hidden away from the accessible part of the roof, he'd thought through his options concerning Lois.

Knowing her, she would try to contact him before too long. She had already showed up at his house, so it was obvious that she was already looking for him, but if she couldn't find Clark Kent, she'd no doubt try to get in touch with the Blur. He had been a fool to contact her as the Blur before, but the mistake had been made and he couldn't take it back now. If she called Clark, she wouldn't get a response, but if she called the Blur… he wasn't sure what to do. If he used his alter ego, he could get some information out of her about where she'd been. He could also talk to her without completely giving over to his human side. That was a slippery slope though. If he answered her as the Blur, he knew he'd just want to keep talking to her, so if she called, he vowed that it would be there final conversation. He'd tell her that it was too dangerous to keep contacting her and that though he'd be watching out for her, he couldn't speak to her again. It was a good plan, but one he wasn't entirely sure he could follow through with.

To make matters worse, Lois hadn't been the only one in her family who decided to give him a problem today. As he had been standing on the roof of the Daily Planet, pondering just what to do about her, her cousin decided to pay him a visit.

"For three weeks, I've been trying to track you down and you're completely off the radar. Lois shows up for one day, and you're as predictable as clockwork."

It had been a long time since he heard her voice, but he couldn't recall a time it had sounded so cold or inhospitable. He knew he had hurt her after Jimmy's funeral, but he couldn't be there like he wanted her to be and still fulfill his destiny. So he had left her. Alone. He couldn't deny that he felt guilt and pain when he thought about it, but at the same time, he couldn't allow those emotions to affect him anymore. It was a necessary evil if this world wanted him to be who he needed to be. Still, he needed to give her something or he feared an argument would ensue, which surely was not an activity he should be taking part in.

"It wasn't that I didn't want to come by and see that you were okay," he said, unwilling to turn and look at her. He couldn't. If she took one look at him, she'd see everything that he was trying so hard to hide. Composure is what he needed. Composure and self-control…

"I know," she said. Her tone was warmer this time, but there was still an edge to it that made him keep his guard up. He could practically see her standing there behind him, staring at him with judgmental eyes, hidden beneath a false sympathetic pretense.

"Leaving everyone behind... it's not what I wanted," he said, struggling to find the exact words he wanted to say to her. It was true. It certainly wasn't what he wanted in the beginning, but he had to admit, these last few weeks had made things significantly easier for him. Life without human connections had truly helped him embrace his Kryptonian side and develop all the superior abilities he possessed. But now… now things were different. Because of her.

"It isn't about what we want, it's about what the rest of the world needs," she said. He bristled. She didn't need to tell him what the world needed, he already got enough of that from Jor-El every day. No matter what she told herself, she didn't truly know what it meant to be him or what his destiny was supposed to be. "I get it. I was lucky to be a part of your life for a little while, but we both know that... you'd have to move on one day."

He his best not to let her words affect him, but he couldn't deny the gnawing sense of guilt that clawed at his gut. She had been an integral part of his life for almost ten years and within a few short days, she was reduced to nothing but a brief point of contact, if he even needed her to be that, at all. But at least she understood that now. When he told her that Clark Kent was dead, he had heard the sobs that echoed in Watchtower for hours. She had cursed his name and he didn't blame her. But now, she knew that he had to let her go for a higher purpose.

"I started the training Jor-El always planned for me. With everything that I've learned and he's showed me, my old life seems very far away," he said. The sky was exceptionally clear today, without a single cloud to be seen for miles, even with his superior vision. Memories of working beneath the Kansas sun at the farm filtered into his mind, but he pushed them away.

"You're doing the right thing. You can't look back," she said. He nodded and finally turned to look at her. If he hadn't nearly perfected the art of masking his emotions, he was sure he'd have flinched. Porcelain skin had turned pale, golden hair had fallen flat, emerald eyes had faded to a dull sage, and her small stature had shrunken even further. He almost didn't recognize the person standing in front of him. The guilt worked its way up from his stomach to his chest and he clenched his jaw to keep it at bay.

"It's the only way I can stay focused, stay objective... by letting go everyone that I care about and cutting every attachment that may influence the choices that I have to make," he said. He wasn't sure now if he was trying to convince himself or her, but either way, he couldn't let himself fall victim to his emotions. Not in front of her. He expected her to agree with him again, so he was half-surprised when her eyes narrowed at his words.

"Even if that means letting go of my cousin?" she asked. His body went stiff as a board. This was the topic he had been trying to avoid because it was the only thing that he couldn't completely stay unemotional about. Not when it came to her. "Have you seen her? She wasn't at her apartment or The Talon and her cell phone is still off."

Truth be told, he hadn't even thought about contacting Chloe when he saw Lois. He probably should have, being that it was still his duty to protect and defend all of humanity, but Lois's reappearance had caught him so off guard that he hadn't been able to think straight. Again, the shame he had been trying to temper down flared up as he realized his mistake, but he brushed it away. Lois was fine and that was really all that mattered in the end. If Chloe couldn't forgive him, that was her problem, not his.

"I found her asleep at the farm last night," he replied, averting his eyes from hers. The scoff that immediately exited her mouth made him glad that he did.

"Of course she was there," she said. He couldn't help but feel the tendrils of irritation creeping up his chest. So what if she came to the farm? If that's where she wanted to be, that's where she should be. If she felt safe there, he certainly wasn't going to do anything to push her away. Those were excuses, he knew, but he didn't want to admit his selfishness to Chloe. "The hospital called me last night. The nurse at the front desk recognized her from the missing person posters. She at least thought I should know."

"It's not like that," he bit back, locking eyes with her once again. The dark circles under her eyes only made her anger more prominent, but he didn't look away. He would fight her tooth and nail on this if he had to.

"Then tell me what it's like, Clark," she said, emphasizing his human name. The annoyance he felt burst into flames of anger and he scowled at her. She was trying to provoke him. She wanted a fight. As much as he wanted to give it to her, he also knew that she was hurting and that's why she was lashing out. Relaxing his expression, he counted to five and let himself fall back into an impassive state of mind.

"She was on the monorail train that I saved and that's the first time I've seen her since I disappeared. I went back to the Fortress to finish training and when I stopped by the farm, she was just there. That's all," he said. There. He had given her an answer, clear and precise, without trying to explain anything she didn't need to know.

"And you didn't think to let me know?" she pushed, trying to elicit a justification out of him that we would not give.

"I've been busy."

"Evidently."

He sighed. She really wasn't going to let it go. But he couldn't give in. He was built to be more stubborn than she or any other human could be and he needed to put his training to the test. Straightening his shoulders, he looked her dead in the eyes and told her the same thing again. If he didn't give her any new information, she wouldn't be able to keep prodding at him.

"Like I said, she just showed up. I didn't have anything to do with that, I didn't even talk to her. I just made sure she was okay and I left. End of story."

The stare she gave him held both unrestrained anger and disbelief. He could understand the anger, but the disbelief confused him. She knew who he was now and what he had been working towards, so he didn't understand why it was so unbelievable for him to not want to give in to her attempts at provoking an emotional response out of him. What was going through her head, he didn't know, but he didn't have time to dwell on it. Not anymore. That part of his life was over.

"You know what? That's good. It's good you're embracing your Kryptonian side. There really isn't anything human let in you."

Chloe had left him standing on the rooftop with a lot more anger in his heart than he cared to admit. No one was going to die because of him, let alone Lois. He was going to make sure of that. But still, he couldn't help but think of Jimmy and all of the wrong choices he and Chloe had made that led to his demise. But no matter what, he wasn't going to allow that to happen to Lois. He needed her too much. He'd die before he let anything else happen to her.

The conversation had left him needing to reign in his emotions once again, so he did everything he possibly could to regulate his human reactions. He had patrolled Metropolis for a while, then Hub City. When there was nothing left to do there, he made his way to Edge City, then Gotham. Gotham always seemed to have a never-ending plethora of drug lords and criminal masterminds to apprehend, but today, there has been a relative calm wherever he went. So, he had no choice but to either go back to the Fortress or the farm, which was a no brainer. All of that led him to his current predicament: being chastised, yet again, by his shell of a father, for failing his tests and trials.

"I don't know what you want from me, Jor-El. I'm trying the best that I can," he said, after Jor-El pulled him out of yet another flying simulation that ended with him milliseconds away from face planting into the concrete.

"You cannot seek to embrace your true Kryptonian nature if you cannot understand your human side," the deep voice boomed. He nearly lost it. Jor-El was supposed to be all intellect, but lately it seemed like all he wanted to give him was riddles and conflicting advice. He'd tell him to go left, then go right. Up, then down. It didn't make any sense! He had been doing so well for weeks and as soon as he faltered once, it was like he was back to square one.

"You told me to leave behind my humanity! I left everyone I loved and now you're saying I shouldn't have?" he asked. He knew he should have tried to temper his anger, but at the same time, if he wanted him to understand his human side now, maybe he should be angry. Maybe the emotions Jor-El was talking about were the ones that made him weak. He told him that passion would be his greatest strength and if he knew one thing, it was that anger definitely fell under that category.

"Instead of dealing with your problems, you merely pushed them aside. Even Kryptonians cannot simply forget their past trials and expect to move on. It is illogical to think so. Struggle and strife help us learn and grow, Kal-El."

The frustration he felt in that moment was second to none. How Jor-El could even suggest that he had forgotten anything that had happened to him was beyond him. Not only that, it was insulting. How could he for one second think that he could simply forget about everything that had happened? How could he forget refusing to put Davis in the Phantom Zone? How could he forget thinking that just because one side of him was human, that he was a good person? How could he ever forget that because of him and his choices, that Jimmy was dead and gone? It was all he could think about, every minute of every day.

And he was tired of it. He was tired of reliving his past mistakes. He was tired of replaying those moments in his head. He was tired of trying to work to move past them, only to have Jor-El bring them right back up again with another riddle he couldn't solve. If he wanted him to deal with his emotions, fine. He would. But he was exhausted trying to figure out who he was supposed to be: human or hero.

"I could never forget what happened," he said lowly. "I am trying to learn and grow. You tell me one thing, then tell me something opposite. So which is it, Jor-El? What do you want me to be? Kryptonian or human?"

His words echoed off the crystalline structures and reverberated through the Fortress as he stood there, waiting for an answer. But none came. At least, not from Jor-El.

"How about both?"

The fluorescent light dimmed around her and she felt the temperature change around her immediately. Thankful that she'd had the good sense to put on a jacket, and that Future Clark had warned her about how hostile the environment was, she opened her eyes and felt her body go rigid. She was in Heaven.

It was the same palace of ice that she had sworn she had seen after the plane went down with Martha. She even still dreamt about it from time to time. Future Clark had told her where it was and what it looked like, but she never put the pieces together until now. She had never gone to Heaven: she had been here. She could have sworn she had died that day and seen a glimpse of what life would be like once she finally shut her eyes for good, but it was all a lie. As much as she wanted to be angry and embarrassed about her ignorance, she couldn't help but feel even more grateful. She knew Clark had been saving her from near-death situations for years, but this really took the cake. Her plane had crashed in the middle of the Arctic and an alien supercomputer had saved her life. Whether Clark had been involved or not was beyond her, but that was a question for a later time. For now, she had some work to do.

She seemed to be at the mouth of what looked like a massive crystalline palace. Giant pillars and stakes shot up on either side of her to form what was similar to a large hall, which led to a giant auditorium-like room ahead. She wished in that moment that the warm light that had saved her life years ago could bathe her once again, but she figured that probably had to do more with actual life-saving than a simple temperature hike. But damn, was it cold. Her teeth chattered as she wrapped her arms around herself and walked slowly down the hall. Ahead of her, in the large room, she could see a soft pillar of light, but as she walked closer, it dimmed until all she saw was the outline of a black figure standing in the center of the room. Before she could even question who or what it was, she got her answer.

"I don't know what you want from me, Jor-El. I'm trying the best that I can."

She stopped in her tracks. The voice was much deeper and colder than she remembered, but God, it still made her heart race. It was him. Clark. He was here and he was still alive. Thank God. Logically, she knew that he was alive in this time, but the image of him bleeding out in front of her was still burned in her brain. She wasn't sure she'd ever be able to make it go away. But it didn't matter. All that mattered was that she had found him. He was here and he was alive.

"You cannot seek to embrace your true Kryptonian nature if you cannot understand your human side."

Lois had always wondered what Jor-El sounded like. When Future Clark had explained him to her, for some illogical reason she had imagined a deep British accent coming out of an actual computer screen embedded in ice. It was stupid and she knew it, but hey, she couldn't help how her brain worked. But there was no computer screen to be seen in front of her. Instead, Clark seemed to simply be staring at the wall of crystals in front of him. She couldn't exactly tell if there was anything there since his back was to her, so maybe there was a small holographic head or something speaking to him, but who knew.

"You told me to leave behind my humanity! I left everyone I loved and now you're saying I shouldn't have?" he asked, now lifting his head up towards the top of the cavern. So no hologram then, just a voice. As she stared at the back of his head, she couldn't help but flinch at the sound of his voice. She almost didn't recognize it. Sure, she had seen her fair share of broody and emotional Clark Kent over the years, but she couldn't remember a time where she had heard him so… broken. It was what made her legs start to move once again.

Well, Ice Daddy certainly didn't have a nurturing side, that was for sure. Even the General, as unemotional as he could be, never talked in terms of logic. He simply had told her to buck up and get over whatever hurdle was in her way. In all honesty, it made her angry to know that his was the only version of his birth father that Clark knew. But she also knew that Jor-El wasn't exactly his father per se, at least, from what she had tried to understand from Future Clark. Either way, she knew that the Clark in front of her, the Clark that she still knew, deep down beneath whatever façade he was hiding under, was hurting. And nothing the voice raining down from the heavenly frosty fortress said was going to help him. But maybe she could.

"I could never forget what happened."

The pain in his voice only made her move faster. With each step she took, she came closer and closer until she was standing a mere ten feet away from him. Her heart was hammering against her chest and she had no idea how he didn't notice she was behind him by now, but she couldn't think of anything to say to announce her presence. She knew that she was about to not only interrupt an intense moment between pseudo-father and son, but also reveal to Clark that she knew about his origins. Whether he'd try to deny it or push her away, she wasn't sure, but she was ready for anything. The future version of him had prepared her for his probably attitude and she couldn't fail, not with the fate of the world in her hands and his words still ringing in her head.

"Lois, I died when you left."

"I am trying to learn and grow. You tell me one thing, then tell me something opposite. So which is it, Jor-El? What do you want me to be? Kryptonian or human?"

God, he had no idea. Whether it was because of him or Jor-El or a mixture of the both of them, he didn't have the faintest idea about who he was or who he needed to be. In that moment, it all clicked about the future: how Clark had left everyone, how they hated him for it, how Zod manipulated it… he was trying to choose between two sides of himself when he never needed to. It was like her trying to choose between being an army brat and a reporter. There was no choice because they were both a part of her. It was that realization and the lack of response from the robo-voice in the air that gave her an opportunity to announce her presence.

"How about both?"