It had been an interesting 24 hours to say the least. She had strong-armed Tess into getting her job back, had gotten a lead on where the Kandorians were hiding, had a mini-showdown with her cousin about her slightly scary Big Brother tendencies, and she had been kidnapped by her newly acquired, now, newly deceased partner.
Oh, and she had kissed Clark.
It was quite possibly the dumbest, selfish, most unconscionable thing she had done in her entire life, but part of her couldn't pretend to care. For one thing, she had just been knocked unconscious, and if anyone asked, she was going to chalk it up to a concussion. But deep down, it had simply been because she wanted to. She missed him. Even though she had only experienced one night of passion and vulnerability with his future self, it was enough to make her crave what they'd shared together.
And if she was being honest with herself, her resolve to keep him at an arm's length was feeling more and more pointless by the day. It was obvious when he tried to kiss her in the barn that he had more than amicable feelings towards her and the fact that he hadn't hightailed it out of town after she planted one on him last night told her enough. So what if he didn't feel the way she felt about him? Even if he never loved her the way she loved him, it wouldn't change her feelings. She'd love him until the day she died, whether he ever returned those feelings fully or not. Still... there was something that was holding her back and she couldn't shake it.
This morning, Clark had immediately brought her to the hospital for a checkup, despite her many protests. Other than a few bruises and minor scratches, they gave her the all clear, which meant Clark's attempts to keep her on house arrest for the day fell short. Now that John was no longer at the Planet and her credentials had been fully restored, it gave her even more of an incentive to get back to work. It was the one place where she felt like she had control over the things in her life and right now, she needed it more than ever.
When she walked back into the bullpen without Clark hovering over her shoulder, she breathed a sigh of relief. As much as she loved him and knew he only wanted the best for her, his mother hen routine was getting to be a bit stifling. Even if he could lift a monster truck with his pinky finger, she was still who she was and she didn't need anyone constantly catering to her. Sure, it was nice sometimes, but right now, all she wanted to do was get to work.
The only problem was that as soon as she sat down, a glaringly empty desk sat across from her. She did her best to ignore it, but she couldn't. Everything that had happened yesterday came rushing back at her and she had no choice but to think about it. It wasn't just John that plagued her thoughts, but it was Clark too. And her cousin.
On the way to hospital earlier that morning, she and Clark sat in a thick, awkward silence. He had insisted on driving, just in case his super speed further exacerbated her non-existent injuries, which meant that they had a few hours of driving to fill with conversation. Unwilling to broach the subject of the kiss, she instead told him about her encounter at the Planet with Chloe.
"She lied to me, Clark. Right to my face. In the past, I had let it go when she gave me half-assed excuses because they usually involved you and I knew that the two of you were off playing Thelma and Louise. But now that I know, I just figured she'd be a little more honest," she said.
He didn't say anything, but he didn't have to. His arms flexed against the steering wheel and she wondered how easy it'd be for him to snap it in half. What she didn't understand was why he was so obviously upset. He still hadn't given her very many answers about what had happened between him and her cousin, let alone Oliver, for that matter, and she was tired of it.
"Okay, that's it. You look you're about to rip the steering wheel right off—which is a very good possibility, need I remind you. We have a long drive ahead of us, because of your stubbornness, I might add, so why don't you just tell me what happened between you and my cousin so I can stop wondering and you can stop brooding."
Surprisingly, he told her almost immediately. She figured it would have taken a little more prodding, but evidently it had been weighing on him for a while because he spoke almost nonstop for the good part of an hour. When he told her about Chloe and her relationship with Davis, it had been hard to bite her tongue. She had already heard a fairly similar version of events from Future Clark, but she hadn't told him that. She was too scared that would lead to questions about when and where that conversation took place and she certainly was not ready to divulge that part of her trip yet—if ever.
The only difference was that she got the novel version of events this time, instead of the cliff notes. He told her everything. She learned about how Davis was created on Krypton—something she still found difficult to wrap her mind around—and how he came to Earth with Clark. He told her about how Lionel had rescued him, believing he was actually Clark, and how he was later abandoned when he found out he was the wrong child.
Learning that Lionel and Lex knew about his origins was a major bombshell, but finding out that Tess knew about him too practically sent her barreling through the roof of the car. He told her all about her many innuendos about his abilities since she'd known him, but he had never really believed she had any evidence until she read Lionel's journal. He continued to deny it, of course, but it was evident that she was never going to let it go, especially with Lois's disappearance and her obvious involvement with Zod in the future. It made her employment at the Planet all the more dangerous and she knew she'd really have to watch herself from now on.
Lois had cut him off with a string of curse words when he told her how Tess had said he was the reason for Davis's abandonment, but thankfully, he didn't seem to harbor any guilt like she thought he might. From there, he explained everything he possibly could about first meeting Davis to his ultimate downfall. When he told her that her acid trip to the phantom prison had actually been real and she had not only been stuck in a Kryptonian jail cell, but then also possessed by the wife of Zod and mother of Davis, she laughed for a solid thirty seconds until she realized he had been telling the truth. From there, the rest of the car ride was a somber affair.
She had already known a lot of what he told her, but the things she didn't know and the way he explained it all hit her like a freight train. When he finally told her about destroying Davis and how she disappeared to the future, it took everything in her not let her emotions show.
She knew from the future that he had left his humanity behind. She knew that he had left Chloe, Oliver, his mother, and everyone who mattered to him in the dark. But despite knowing that, there had been some small part of her that hoped that it had been different in this reality. She had only been gone three weeks, so how much damage could he have done in that amount of time? When she asked him exactly that, he grew quiet for a while before answering.
"Three weeks may not seem like a very long time, but trust me… it felt like an eternity," he said. His eyes were fixed on the road, but his knuckles were turning white as he tried so desperately not to break the wheel beneath his hands. Unable to help herself, she reached over and touched his arm.
"I'm sorry, Smallville," she whispered. He didn't look at her, but the tension left his body almost immediately with her touch and he offered her a small nod, so she took it as a small win. When she was sure he wasn't going to rip the steering wheel from the dashboard, she asked him why he still hadn't patched things up with her cousin.
"I took the easy way out, Lois. I should have been there when she needed me. I don't know if I can forgive myself for that. I'm sorry," he said. As much of a guilt complex as the man had, she couldn't really blame him for this one. Though part of her was mad and disappointed at the way he had acted, she also knew that she couldn't exactly fault him for it. She had no idea what it was like to walk in his shoes, so all she had to go on was knowing the type of man that he was. And that was enough for her to forgive him. But evidently, it wasn't enough for him to forgive himself.
"Clark, there's nothing easy about burying everyone you love in your past," she said in an attempt to justify his actions. The last thing he needed was someone to tell him that he had been wrong, especially if she wanted him to make things right with Chloe again. He glanced at her from the corner of his eye, unnerving her, but thankfully turned his eyes back towards the road after a moment.
"I'm afraid I haven't done a very good job of that."
Thankful that he had something to preoccupy his attention, she swallowed and did her best to calm her jumping heart rate. Feeling guilty for how he had acted during her disappearance was one thing, but she certainly wasn't going to let him feel that way for how he was acting now that she was back. It was selfish, especially in her cousin's eyes, and she knew that, but she didn't care. Truthfully, she wanted him to be selfish with her.
"Then it seems to me you're due for a career change," she said. "And I just so happen to know of a position that just opened up."
"I don't know if I'm ready for that yet," he admitted. "I still have so much more to learn about myself and where I come from... I can't let the human side of myself interfere with my training. Especially now."
While she understood where he was coming from, she also knew he was wrong. Locking himself away to train with Jor-El was exactly what would lead them to a world led by an alien Adolf Hitler and she certainly wasn't going to let that happen.
"Clark, lurking around on rooftops at midnight, pining after the life you've given up isn't exactly amping up your hero performance, either," she said. Again, she expected him to argue with her. The old Clark, the one she had left behind three weeks ago, probably would have. But she was surprised when she was met with pensive silence instead. Taking his lack of response as the precursor to an argument, she was ready to further persuade him to embrace humanity rather than suppress it, but he beat her to the punch before she could begin to defend herself.
"Maybe you're right," he said quietly, causing her to shut her open mouth. "Maybe I'm trying to fill the void by hanging out on rooftops, eavesdropping on people... people who are connecting and living. Thinking, what's the point of protecting life... if you've lost your sense on how to live it? Maybe I can't do this, Lois. Maybe I can't completely stay away."
In all the years she had known him, she couldn't remember a single instance where he had divulged so many of his feelings so openly. Sure, they'd had conversations in the past concerning both of their worries, ambitions, and relationships, but neither one of them had ever been the type to get emotional about it. Both of them had always had walls up. Clark's walls were quite obvious and understandable now that she knew the truth about him, but she never thought that he'd open up the way that he had over the past few days.
"Then don't. Come back to the land of the living," she said. It wasn't just what she wanted, but it was what Metropolis needed. Zod and the Kandorians were one thing, but aside from that problem, she knew that not only the city, but the world needed him to be Clark Kent again. Without Clark, Kal-El would make mistakes. Without Kal-El, Clark would make mistakes. But if he finally embraced both sides of him, maybe he could finally become who he was meant to be.
"You know... maybe I was naïve to think that you just turn a corner and never look back," he said. He wasn't quite acquiescing to her suggestion, but he wasn't saying no either. And right now, she was going to take all that she could get if it meant he wasn't going to retreat to his icy alien fortress.
"That might be the smartest thing that's ever come out of your mouth, Smallville."
He hadn't said much after that and she hadn't expected him to, but she also wasn't going to let up on him either. If he was going to stop Zod, he had to become Clark Kent again, not just a shell of who he used to be. And becoming Clark Kent again meant becoming the reporter he used to be. It was true that she missed him at work, but it was also true that being a reporter had become a part of who he was the past year. It had not only been a great cover for his hidden heroics, but she could tell that he truly enjoyed it. Not only that, but he was good at it.
Being back at the Planet worked wonders for her constant state of mental and emotional turmoil. She had a major story to work on after her rumble with John, there was a plethora of emails to catch up on after absence, and she even had Jeff back to boss around. It was almost like she had never left. Almost.
As the end of the work day approached, she couldn't help but finally think about the pit in her stomach that had continually grown as the day wore on. She tried not to think about him, she really did, but the empty space across from her did nothing but exacerbate her feelings. As she walked back towards her desk and the vacant one across from her, she swept up the name plate from her previous partner.
"Heartless bastard," she grumbled and promptly dropped it in the trash. John hadn't been an evil man, but he hadn't exactly been a peach, either. While she felt sorry for him and what the Kandorians had done to him, it still didn't excuse his attitude towards the Blur or his narcissism prior to his botched super surgery. Maybe if he had been a kinder and more forgiving man, he wouldn't have met the fate he had.
Slipping into her own chair, she couldn't help but pull out the name plate she had swiped from said man just a week ago. Holding the cold metal in her hands, she traced over the letters with her thumb and let out a sigh. She really hoped that he'd come back to the Planet. He needed to, not only for his sake, but for hers. John had been a nightmare and she couldn't imagine the next replacement that Tess had lined up. While she imagined it couldn't get any worse, she knew it certainly couldn't get any better than Clark Kent.
"I'm gonna be needing that."
Whether it was fate or dumb luck or pure imagination, the deep baritone of the man who had single-handedly been occupying her every thought filled her ears and a Cheshire grin spread across her face as she spun around. He was standing there not four feet away from her, dressed in a white button down and a striped tie, with an expression on his face that only she could read as contained joy. Without a second thought as to how he or anyone else in the bullpen might perceive it, she jumped out of her chair and threw her arms around him.
"Clark Kent, you're back!" she exclaimed. He felt like solid rock when she hit him, but he felt like home all the same. Relaxing against his hard frame, she felt his arms wrap around her in a light embrace. Whether it was because he was still feeling uncertain about how to act with her after their kiss, they were in plain view of all of their co-workers, or he was simply just stunned at her reaction, his lack of enthusiasm made her pull back almost immediately.
"I was beginning to think your family lived on some distant planet," she said, punching his arm. His face was slightly flushed, which gave no indication as to which of her thoughts was correct, but her cheeky comment and the familiar physical act seemed to snap him out of his awkward reaction.
"Feels like it sometimes," he said with a knowing grin. "Guess you must have really missed me."
And just like that, he was back to trying to turn the tables on her. Refusing to let him win, she rolled her eyes and handed him back his name plate.
"Only because the guy who sat in your desk was a certifiable psychopath. Otherwise, I've been so busy, I didn't even notice you were gone," she said. It was a stupid game the two of them were playing and part of her attributed it to an act that was necessary to put on in front of their colleagues, but even she knew that no one was really paying attention and it was really just their twisted way of flirting with each other. But it didn't matter. He was back and that's all she really cared about.
"I missed you too, Lois."
If she had a gun, she would have shot herself in the stomach then and there to keep the butterflies from acting up. But she didn't, so the best she could do was pray that the bustling sounds of the Daily Planet were enough to drown out the sound of her rapidly beating heart. Taking their respective seats, she couldn't help the smile that appeared on her face at seeing him in his rightful spot. Thankfully, he kept his eyes trained on his computer, but she knew from the way that the corner of his mouth ticked up that he was just as happy as she was.
Having Clark back at the Planet was both a blessing and a curse. During his first day back, she had completed only a handful of the hundreds of tasks she had to catch up on. Mostly, it was because she was trying to keep the stupid grin off of her face every time she looked at him, which she also had to fight against doing the entire day. The only time she got anything done was during the two instances he disappeared to take care of some Blur-related activities. Even then, it didn't last very long.
But despite the negative impact on her work, she was thrilled that he was back, not only for personal reasons, but because it meant she had partially succeeded in preventing the future that she had seen. If Clark was back at the Planet and embracing his human side, it meant he wouldn't go to that dark desolate place the future version of him had told her about. But accepting his humanity was only part of the puzzle. The other part was not trying to defeat Zod on his own. Thankfully, that had been taken care of, too.
When they had gotten to work this morning, they hadn't been in the bullpen for more than thirty minutes before Clark received a call from Chloe asking him to come to Watchtower. He'd asked Lois if she wanted to come, but after her conversation with her cousin a few days ago and her conversation with him yesterday, she felt it was best for him to go alone. But she couldn't deny the warm feeling that spread inside of her when he asked her to come. She was afraid he'd want to keep her in the dark after the John Corben debacle, so his transparency with her was surprising and pleasing.
He was gone for just under an hour, but in that amount of time, Tess had hounded Lois twice on his whereabouts, citing how irresponsible and curious it was that he was already out chasing a lead less than 24 hours of being reinstated. Lois had stuck to her guns, explaining that sources don't care who you are or where you've been, but she knew that she hadn't fooled the redhead, especially since she knew Tess knew Clark's secret. It was another game she had to play and one that had serious consequences.
As soon as Clark got back, he pulled her into the copy room and told her what he'd learned. Apparently, as soon as Chloe read Lois's account of the future, she had started working on a way to hack into Tess's databases, but hadn't had much luck. A few days ago, she finally had a breakthrough when she managed to win the battle of cyberspace over Tess's assistant, Stuart. The tech boy wonder had done his fair share of hacking into government databases and big name corporations, so when Chloe casually brought up this information, he decided to reluctantly switch teams. With the young computer whiz on her side, she was able to gain access to everything Tess had on the Kandorians.
Evidently, he'd found Kryptonian symbols that had appeared all over the world the night that Zod arrived on Earth. While they were still in the process of deciphering a lot of them, they discovered that many of them were similar to the symbols for "blood," "nobility," and "family." But as interesting and exciting as all of that was, it seemed to have put Clark in a funk for the rest of the day. What Lois perceived as an improvement on finding the missing Kandorians, apparently sent Clark into a downward spiral.
He was elusive the rest of the day, giving her veiled excuses about where he was going and what he was doing. Part of her was hurt that he didn't tell her what was bothering him, but the bigger part of her was confused. Wasn't it a good thing that they'd found the symbols? Wouldn't it help them find Zod? Maybe he was afraid to find him after what he'd read about the future. She knew he had lots of doubts and didn't want to make the same mistakes that led there, but he was already on a totally different path. It didn't make any sense. So when their work day came to a close and Clark got ready to leave, she employed the only tactic she knew that would get him to talk to her: guilt.
"Hey, Smallville?" she asked, as he stood to leave.
"Yeah?" he replied. She couldn't help but notice how tired he looked as his blue eyes peered at her and part of her felt selfish for doing what she was about to do, but the other part of her rationalized that she was doing it for his own good.
"You wouldn't happen to have any more of that famous Ma Kent casserole I saw in your fridge last night, would you?" she asked, blinking her eyes innocently at him. The Bambi eyes were probably a bit much—she saw the recognition on his face almost immediately—but he didn't say no. Instead, he shifted his footing and narrowed his eyes at her.
"I might," he said. He drew the words out, evidently suspicious of her question.
"If you did, you wouldn't also happen to have enough to share with a fellow co-worker who planned on going grocery shopping yesterday, but instead, got kidnapped and thrown into a wall by a disgruntled ex-employee… would you?"
It was a small smile, but it was a smile nonetheless. Shaking his head at her antics, he tilted his head towards the doors and started walking. Following quickly behind him, she all-too-nonchalantly let it slip how hungry she was and how starving she'd be by the end of the long car ride back to Smallville. Shaking his head once more, they'd only made it to the parking garage entrance when Clark swept her up in his arms and sped them back to the farm.
"Geez, give a girl some warning next time, speed racer," she said as he lowered her to her feet. Stumbling a bit from the change of motion, she grabbed on to his arm to steady herself and immediately regretted it. The feeling of his solid bicep beneath her fingers only made her mind flash with memories of sculpted, naked skin and she had to bite her lip to keep herself sane.
"Lois, you're about as subtle as a gun. If you wanted to come over for dinner, you should have just asked," he said. Faking an astonished gasp, she smoothed out the nonexistent wrinkles on her skirt.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," she replied, watching as he shook his head again and made his way over to the fridge. Even though her self-invite was a ploy to get him to talk to her, she couldn't deny that her mouth watered when she saw the Tupperware hit the counter.
"I'll heat this up if you want to take a shower and change," he said. When he removed his coat and rolled up his sleeves, her brain somewhat short-circuited at the images that assaulted her mind, but thankfully, she had been dealing with her unchecked hormones so much recently that she was able to pull herself together.
"Trying to say something, Clark?" she asked.
"Yes, that I know you well enough to know your favorite thing to do after a long day of work is to take a shower and get into your pajamas," he said, leaving her feeling both a bit stupefied and appreciative at how well he knew her. Shooing her towards the stairs, she made her way up them without a retort. She did notice, however, that even though their interaction was simple and short, it seemed to have relaxed him the slightest bit. The crease in his forehead had disappeared and his shoulders had relaxed, which was enough for the time being.
After what she considered one of her shorter showers—which was a mere thirty minutes—she made her way downstairs in a pair of shorts and one of his flannels. After what had happened between them the other night and what nearly kept happening, she knew it'd be safer for her to stay out of his clothes, but when it came time to decide between the old t-shirt she'd left there years ago and his closet, it had been a no brainer. Plus, she reasoned that if she changed it up, he'd question it and it'd make things even weirder between them.
"Mmm… smells good in here, Smallville. Martha really turned you into a real Chef Boyardee," she said. Clark glanced up as she made her way into the kitchen and he certainly didn't try to hide the way he was staring at her. Maybe the flannel had been a bad idea. But before it became a problem, he turned his eyes back to the task at hand and slid a plate with a generous helping of steaming casserole across the counter.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, both quietly enjoying their meal until Lois felt his eyes on her. At first, she pretended not to notice, but when his gaze didn't waver, she finally met his stare.
"So are you going to tell me what's on your mind?" he asked. His question wasn't accusatory or spiteful, but it was evident that he wasn't going to let it go. But being who she was, she wasn't going to give in that easily either.
"What do you mean?" she asked before taking an overly large and thoughtful bite of casserole. Clark, on the other hand, opted to put his fork down and reach across the table for her plate, to which she made an indignant noise through a mouthful of food.
"Lois, I know you better than anyone else. Why did you want to come over?" he asked pointedly. Struggling to swallow the absurd amount of food she had shoved in her mouth to avoid his question, her cheeks flushed at what she must look like, which Clark must have taken to mean something else, because he quickly amended his statement, saying, "Not that I'm complaining, by the way."
After she finally swallowed, she made a feeble attempt to grab her plate back, but Clark only pulled it further out of reach. He didn't even need to use the super speed. Huffing, she leaned back in defeat and folded her hands in front of her.
"Okay, fine, I guess my cover's blown. Look, you were fine all day and then as soon as you came back from seeing Chloe, you looked like someone had just told you Shelby died," she said. By his reaction, she saw he wasn't the least bit surprised at her response. His shoulders slumped slightly, which was a telltale sign that he was feeling guilty about something, but at least the famous brooding brow hadn't made an appearance.
"I kind of figured that's what this interrogation was about," he said, then mercifully slid her plate back to her, which she didn't take a second glance at. Now that their cards were on the table, she had a hand to win.
"Clark, ever since I came back, there's been an honesty between us that's never been there before. It's obvious that whatever Chloe told you today has you rattled and if it's something personal, fine. I'm here if you need me and I won't hold it against you, but if it's something that has to do with Zod… I just don't want to be left in the dark again. I can't."
As curious and worried as she was about what was going on with him, a larger part of her was scared that he was putting her up on the shelf again. They had been through it time and time again, even before she had learned his secret. He wanted so strongly to protect the people around him and while she understood that, she also knew that sometimes he didn't see that he was only hurting those people and himself in the process. The fact that she had gone to the future and knew who he truly was now only exacerbated those feelings. While she wasn't trying to be selfish and make the situation all about her, part of her resented the fact that he was still trying to keep secrets from her.
He was quiet for a moment as he took in her words. The only sounds came from the ticking of the clock on the wall and Shelby's gentle snores in the next room, at least, in her auditory sphere. She could only wonder what it sounded like in his head all the time. Finally, his head bobbed in agreement and he peeled his eyes from the countertop.
"You're right," he admitted and she let out a breath. "I think part of me is still trying to get used to having you in my inner circle and I'm sorry. I want to be honest with you and I'm trying to be, it's just… hard."
"I get that. I don't want to make things hard on you," she said. She understood how difficult it was to let your walls down. Hell, she had been building them her whole life. But at the same time… she wanted to be different to him. She wanted to be the exception.
"You're not, I promise," he said, his mouth ticking up in the corner to let her know he was serious. "The truth is, what Chloe had to tell me was about Zod, but it was also… personal."
"How so?" she asked when he didn't elaborate. The rise and fall of his chest signaled the large breath he had just taken and at once, all of her selfish thoughts and feelings went out the window. He wasn't keeping her in the dark because he was protecting her, but because whatever he had to say was hard for him to tell her.
"You know the symbols Stuart found? The ones that appeared the night Zod arrived on Earth?" he asked and she nodded. "Well, he found one that I wasn't expecting. He found a symbol for the House of El."
"Oh."
It was all she could say. She had been too wrapped up in thinking he had been brooding about trying to protect her that she hadn't even considered the fact that he might have learned something as interesting at that. Granted, she didn't think that would have even been in her realm of possibilities even if she had been hypothesizing on what he'd learned, but even so, she chastised herself for having such a one-track mind.
"That's not even the interesting part. When she showed me the image, there was a man laying there. A man that looked a lot like me," he said. His voice was low now and his eyes were a stormy blue-grey that slightly unnerved her.
"Don't tell me you have a clone, too," she said. If there was another Clark Kent running around, they were in serious trouble. Thankfully, he shook his head. But the look on his face didn't disappear and the way he took another deep breath put her on the edge of her seat.
"Not exactly. He's… sort of my father."
For the second time in a span of two minutes, she found herself completely speechless as her brain tried to comprehend what he was saying. Jor-El was alive? He was on Earth? How was that possible?
"Your dad… is on Earth?" she asked slowly. Clark remained stoic, not giving anything up, except a simple answer. If one could even call it that.
"Yes and no."
Well that sure as hell didn't give her any clarity. But before she could ask a follow up question, Clark sighed and folded his hands together before he elaborated.
"He's like Zod and the rest of the Kandorians. My biological father is long gone, but his DNA is here on Earth. So, in a way, he is alive," he explained. At once, his cryptic answer did make sense. His real father was dead, but there was a clone of him walking around on Earth. Clark stood, silently asking her if she wanted more food, to which she shook her head. The thought of eating now was unimaginable considering the amount of information she had to digest. As he cleaned up, he kept talking.
"I went to the Fortress earlier to talk to Jor-El. He told me that the Council had forced him to put his own DNA in the Orb, but pretty much told me that the only way to save Earth was to destroy him and all of the other Kandorians. The thought of killing any of them is enough, but to kill him… I can't do that, Lois."
His back was to her now as he stood at the sink, staring out into the night sky. She could only imagine what he must be feeling and the thought of it broke her heart. He was not only wrestling with the emotions of seeing and meeting his pseudo-father, but also with the task of how to deal with his presence on Earth. The fact that one version of his father wanted him to kill another version of himself was simply icing on the cake.
"No, you can't. The fact that he even asked that of you is ridiculous," she said. Next time she was in the Fortress, she had a few choice words for Mr. AI in the sky. Turning around to face her again, he shook his head and frowned.
"He's all logic and no emotion. Logically, it makes sense for me to get rid of them. It'd save Earth and prevent the future you lived through, but I know that I can't do it. I won't," he said resolutely, locking his eyes with hers and squashing any minuscule notions she'd had that he might actually be capable of doing something like that. Then his walls dropped in an instant and she found herself face to face with the farm boy she had always known.
"But that's not what I've been thinking about. The only thing I can think about is him."
He didn't have to explain for her to understand what he meant. He paced in front of her, trying to gather his thoughts, talking through them as he did.
"He's not my father. The man walking around on Earth has no memories of me or what happened to Krypton. He doesn't even remember Zod turning against them. But at the same time…" he trailed off, unable to finish the sentence. Luckily, he didn't need to.
"He's still your dad," she said. One look and a nod was all it took for her to know she'd hit the nail on the head. While the man that was walking around somewhere on Earth wasn't really his father, in a lot of the ways that mattered, he was. The only version of him he'd ever known was a cold, cryptic voice, so to able to meet the man beneath all of that had to be tempting.
"Clark, it's okay to want to know him. Even if it's not him him. He may not be the exact man who helped bring you into the world, but he's still a giant part of him. And if there's a part of you who wants to know that part of him… I don't think it's fair to deny you that."
"But I don't know if it's fair to meet him, either," he said, lowering himself to the stool beside her. Confused by his statement, she pressed him.
"What do you mean?" she asked. He looked at her briefly and studied her eyes for something she couldn't explain, then looked down and shut them before he spoke.
"He's my father, but he's not. He didn't raise me, he doesn't know me, and at the end of the day… he's not like me," he said before looking up again. "But I can also ask him a lot of the questions I've always wanted answers to. I can finally see who my father was beneath the voice I know. I can know him in the way I've always wanted to."
The longing in his voice struck a chord in her chest and she had to force herself not to reach out to comfort him out of fear that it'd distract him. Instead, she curled her fingers into a fist against her thigh and let him continue.
"But even if I meet him, he'll know that he's not the real Jor-El. He'll agree with the version of himself in the Fortress. He'll stick around just long enough to help me defeat Zod and then..."
He didn't have to finish his sentence. She wondered if he even could. If the clone version of Jor-El learned who Clark was, he'd know immediately that he was a clone. From what she understood, he had been a brilliant scientist, so she didn't think there was any way to try and lie to the man. If he knew he was a clone, which he had been dead set against creating in the first place, he'd stop at nothing to make sure Zod and the other were destroyed. And if she had to guess, that'd mean he'd eventually sacrifice himself too.
"You'll lose him," she said. He nodded, unable to look at her and she sighed. "Smallville, I get it. I really do. You don't want to open yourself up to the possibility of knowing and loving him, only for him to disappear on you. But is the fear of losing him really worse than the regret you'd feel for not at least trying to know him?"
She knew what he was up against and she knew the probable outcome, but in that moment, all she could think about was her mother. If a clone of her mom fell out of the sky today and landed on her doorstep, she knew without a shadow of a doubt that she'd want to talk to her and ask her all of the questions she never got the chance to ask. Granted, her mom wasn't part of an alien race hellbent on destroying the world, but still. As hard as it had been to lose her, she would go through all of that pain again if it meant she could spend even one more day with her.
She waited and watched as he contemplated her question. His eyebrows drew together, then relaxed. He pursed his lips, turned them downwards into a frown, then pressed them in a straight line. Those blue eyes that were never able to hide his emotions turned from a turbulent indigo to a calm sea of cerulean in a span of only a few minutes, hitting all of the different shades in between. Finally, he took a deep breath and turned slightly towards her, barely catching her eye.
"I guess I'm just… scared."
This time, she didn't stop herself from reaching out and taking his hand. Not only was he confused and scared and hurt, but he was openly admitting it to her. For a man who could quite literally lift the weight of the world on his shoulders, she didn't want him to do it alone. Everyone needed someone and she was going to be that person for him, if he let her.
"Trust me: I know all too well what it's like to put your heart on the line."
It took a moment for her to register what she had said, but when his eyes connected fully with hers, it hit her like a truck. She hadn't meant for her words to have an ulterior meaning, but apparently, her subconscious couldn't help it. There was a familiar tightening in her throat and chest as he looked at her and she couldn't ignore the way his eyes briefly flickered to her lips. What the hell was she doing?
"Lois…" he said, sending a shiver down her spine with the low, gravelly way he said her name. God, she wanted him. She wanted him more than she could ever remember wanting someone in her life. But the way he was looking at her… the feeling of his breath against her face and smell of him wafting over her… all it reminded her of was him. And it was too much.
"Clark, I—" she stuttered and he paused in his movement toward her. But this time, he didn't move away and he didn't second guess himself like he had in the barn. This time, he held her gaze and gently squeezed her hand that was still holding his own.
"I know something happened between you and… me in the future that you're not telling me," he said and her eyes shot wide open. Again, he didn't retreat and for the first time all night, he cracked a genuine smile. "Like I said: subtle as a gun."
She couldn't think. Even if she could, she wasn't sure she knew what to say. He knew something had happened between them and she didn't know what to do with that revelation. All she knew was that his face was entirely too close to hers and if he didn't move away from her soon, she was going to throw herself at him. And why shouldn't she? It was obvious that he wanted to kiss her and she desperately wanted him to, but still… she couldn't shake the memories she had of the future.
Every time he got close to her, she remembered everything. She remembered the taste of his lips and skin. She remembered the touch of his hands and body against her own. She remembered the feeling of him inside both her body and heart. It consumed her.
"Smallville, please…" she breathed, unsure of whether she was asking him to stop or not. He brought his palm to her cheek and tilted her head towards him, locking her in a heated gaze she couldn't break even if she wanted to. And damn it, she didn't want to anymore.
"I don't care what happened. Whatever it was… it doesn't matter to me, okay?"
While she knew he'd said it to comfort and reassure her, it had done just the opposite. If he knew what had happened between them and what they'd shared… would he still want her the way he did right now? And if he did, would it just be because he wanted to experience what another version of him had and he didn't? She didn't think he was that shallow, but he was still a man, underneath it all. That, she knew from experience. And part of her couldn't dispel the nagging voice in her head that told her she might still compare the two of them. It was still him, but at the same time… it wasn't. Suddenly, their conversation about his dad hit her a lot harder than it had a few minutes ago.
"But it matters to me," she whispered. Her eyes were shut, but she knew immediately that she had wrecked the moment entirely. She could feel him lean back and when his hand dropped from her face, she sighed in disappointment at both of their actions. When she finally thought it was safe to open her eyes, she looked and saw disappointment on his face, but there were no signs of rejection, like she had feared.
"I'm sorry, I'm not trying to screw with your head, I just… it's all still a lot to wrap my head around," she managed. He ran a hand through his hair in frustration no doubt, but nodded and offered her a weak smile.
"It's okay, Lois. I understand," he said. Again, it was obvious he was disappointed, but he was genuine with his statement nonetheless.
"You do?" she asked. Her voice was small and hesitant and she hated it, but she couldn't help it. The last thing she wanted for him to feel like was that she was rejecting him, because she wasn't. At the end of the day… she just needed time. Shaking his head, he stood up and stretched.
"It's not like I haven't kept secrets from you, right?" he asked. She didn't answer, but both of them knew she didn't need to. "But if you ever want to tell me… I'm not going anywhere, okay?"
The thought of telling him what happened between them still scared her, but it didn't terrify anymore. He knew something had happened between them and that was half the battle. If she was honest, she knew that part of him had probably already guessed what it was or if he hadn't, even the naïve farm boy wasn't stupid. The fact that he wasn't pressuring her made things a whole lot easier and as long as the ball was in her court, she knew she'd be able to finally make the play sooner or later.
Especially if they kept having moments like these.