TW for sexual things...thoughts...I suppose.

Was originally going to split this into two chapters, so i'm apologising for the length in advance.

Lilith stumbled into her Arithmancy class after everyone was already seated, feigning a nosebleed to explain her tardiness as she used the reflection from the window to clean the blood from her face using the sleeve of her jumper.

At lease the professor believed the lie.

They had broken apart initially, her pulling away first to look up at Fred's stunned face. Fred had looked down at her with dark eyes not saying a word as he took her by the throat, ever so softly, and she felt her blood run cold. Then he pulled her in. This time his lips brushed against hers, as if he was testing her, she knew that she shouldn't, and her hands were already against his chest ready to push herself away. Then his mouth eclipsed hers and she responded willingly without a second thought. The taste of his blood was faint by then and the hand that had been on her throat slowly reached round to the back of her neck, his fingers warm on her skin and she felt the moan escape her throat.

That seemed to pull her back to reality as she pushed herself away. She ran, abandoning Fred in the corridor with his blood smeared on her face.

Lilith can't concentrate on Vectors words as she thought about the taste of Fred's lips, even his blood tasted sweet. The smell of Gunpowder and blood seemed to engulf her as she stared at the board.

Maybe Phlegm had been right. Only a slut would kiss someone else's boyfriend, even when she had her own. Fuck. What the fuck was wrong with her.

She blamed how unstable she felt, because there was no way she would have kissed Weasley otherwise, she wouldn't have enjoyed it. She wouldn't still be thinking about it.

When the lessons over she grabs her books and runs out, passing through the corridor where it happened, dark red smeared on the floor, a mix of Fred's and Phlegm's. She looks around before casting the charm and it disintegrates, and then her feet take her to the defence the dark arts classroom.

It's empty, except the ghost of her own humiliation, the memory of it haunting her. How was she meant to sit in here on Friday and act like nothing had happened. She places the knife on the desk, staring at the jaggered edges and it suddenly occurs to her, what if this was her mother's fault.

She had heard rumours about it, overheard conversations at Malfoy Manor about Bellatrix Lestrange's unhinged mentality, but she never thought it would happen to her. She didn't think she was crazy, but maybe that's why she felt so broken.

The clearing of his throat forces her to turn and the professors good eye meets hers. "Returning something to me Lestrange?"

Lilith had never hated someone so unconditionally as she hated Mad Eye. She didn't care that everyone said he was incredible at his job, his stories impeccable. She hated him and wanted to drive the dagger into his good eye.

No. Fuck. No she didn't. Because that would be crazy.

"Having a hard time of it are you Lestrange?"

She feels the flinch.

"May I ask you don't call on me in lessons anymore?"

He quirks any eyebrow. "Alright girl. Since you asked so nicely. I'll expect you here Friday evening then."

"What?"

"You've run out of my lesson, twice now. Also tried to attack me. I think a detention is in order."

She couldn't think of anything worse. So she leaves, she's had enough.

She hides in the girls bathroom until she had to go to Herbology.

The events of that morning could have filled up an entire week, let alone a single morning. She can feel the exhaustion slip over her. Fred isn't at his usual place at the end of the benches, but George is, his eyes flickering towards her, her gaze doesn't falter until Cordelia takes a seat next to her.

"Where the bloody hell have you been?"

"What?"

"You weren't at lunch?"

"I had a violin lesson with Flitwick." She's lies. She's too tired. She wants to sleep.

"urgh, boring. So? Dirty details please."

Lilith lifts her head, how did –

"You and Xander? Merlin was it that bad you forgot about it?"

Lilith stares at Cordelia, she had in fact completely forgotten about it. She tries to remember it, but it's Fred's lips that are consuming her thoughts. Lilith forces herself to go back to this morning when everything had been a little simpler. She had thought Cordelia would come storming into the classroom, but clearly Phlegm had kept his mouth shut.

She wasn't that surprised. He would never admit that Fred Weasley had almost beat him in a fight. The shame of it amongst the Slytherin's and Seventh years would have been too much.

"It was….fine." She finally answers when she spots her friend waiting for an answer.

"Fine" Cordelia says with disdain. "Is that it?"

Xander's kisses had been nice. Soft. Gentle. Fred's had been overwhelming. Hard. She had been desperate for him to continue. Shamefully, she didn't feel that with Xander. She could still feel the sensation in the pit of her stomach as she thought about it. His hand on her throat pulling her closer. She felt a pang of arousal as she remembered Fred's furious face as his fist swung into Phlegm's stomach.

There's a slam and she looks to Fred who has taken his seat next to George. The bruising around his eye has started to appear and he stares at her.

She can see the desire in his face, and she can feel it well up in her chest.

The potion she had downed before the lesson starts to take effect. She had taken it to calm her stomach after her encounter with moody and instead it forced her to throw up in the mandrakes. She was never trusting anything Lionett ever gave her again.

Sprout tells her to go to Madame Pomfrey and as she leaves she sees Fred stand from his desk as if he's going to go after her again. Lilith sprints to the dormitories.

Her shirt comes back from the laundry with blood still stained on the cuff so she shoves it to the bottom her trunk. She can't go around with Fred's blood on her shirt. The red doesn't appear as much on the grey of her jumper which she's thankful for.

It was all different. Now that she had a taste of it, she couldn't stop thinking about it, it was overwhelming her thoughts too much. He wouldn't stop staring at her. It's worse in Charms where they sit on opposite sides of the classroom. He stares at her with lustful eyes and she stares back. The bruise around his eye has turned to purple and there's still some swelling. She knows she can't avoid his gaze, so she gives as good as she gets.

Lilith was certain if she hadn't stop herself, she would have fucked him in the third floor corridor. She pictures it then. Fred pressed up against her as he hitches her skirt up. His hands on her holding her in place.

He's still staring at her. She forces herself to think about the Reductor spell instead.

They have potions next and she feels queasy as they make their way to the dungeons. Cordelia won't stop talking but she can't focus, she's concentrating of the reductor spell.

Fucking love potions. It was almost like Snape was mocking her.

Fred is sitting closer than normal, his legs turned towards her, one of them keeps brushing against hers. The skirt she wore that morning was from last year and she had grown two inches since then, it's too short. Fred is staring at her thighs.

She wonders if she had done that unconsciously.

His legs grazes against hers again, one of his hands is on his thigh, his fingers are scratching against the fabric as he writes. She looks away when he catches her staring at them for a moment.

"Are you coming?" His voice is dark. Is she daydreaming again? Her throat is so tense she struggles to get the words out.

"I'm sorry?"

"Tomorrow. You heard about the party, right? It's my birth – well, George and I's birthday tomorrow. We're having a party."

She tries to imagine herself at a Gryffindor party, everyone hating her. It didn't sound like her cup of tea. Fortunately, she had an excuse.

"I have detention with Mad Eye."

"Mad eye?"

"For…walking out of the lesson."

"He didn't give me one?"

"Well, I did try to rip his head off too."

Fred stares at her blanky.

"Well, come after?"

She needs to change the subject.

"Of course you two would be cliché enough to have your birthday on April first."

"Well, I didn't bloody pick it did I?"

Lilith smiles slightly at his words quickly correcting herself. She was forcing herself not to enjoy his company. It didn't mean she couldn't make casual conversation. "So, what did you ask for?"

He blinked, averting his gaze from hers. "I never ask for anything."

She stiffens slightly when Jordan turns around and slouches on the desk. He did that a lot. Lilith assumed it was because he was avoiding conversation with Cordelia.

"What does yours smell of? Mine just kind of smells like dust bunnies."

"Maybe you have a thing for McGonagall." Fred shoots back with a smirk.

"Well?" Jordan asks again.

"I won't lie Jordan; it smells just like you. Toffees and masturbation." He says as he reaches over the table to pinch his friends cheek and Jordan bats him off.

"Fuck off you twat."

Fred chuckles and Lilith allows a laugh. Jordan's attention turns to her. "What about you Lestrange?"

She feels the flinch and she sees Fred's face sink slightly. She hated him for making her aware of it.

"Yeah, come on Lilith, what does the boyfriend smell like?" Fred enquires, it's a little too sharp.

Cordelia who had been sitting with her back to them his whole time finally rears her head with a curious eyebrow. "Yours probably smells like failure and desperation Weasley." She shoots at him and Fred's smirk is replaced by a scowl.

"Let me guess what yours is, tears of small children?" Cordelia flips him the finger and his smile returns as he looks over to her. "Come on Lilith."

He didn't call her Lil around anyone else. That was only for them two.

"You first Weasley." She says and Fred rolls his eyes as he bends over his potion.

"Zonkos...fuck. That's cool." He smiles with delight and it warms her a little. Of course it would be Zonkos.

"What else?" Lee asks and Fred inhales deeply again, stalling slightly.

"Cinnamon." The smirk disappears from his face as his eyes meet Lilith's.

"Well? What else Weaslby?" Cordelia asks with a gripe and Fred's jaw clenches as he stammers.

"I don't know - I don't recognize it."

"It's meant to be the thing you find most attractive; how do you not recognise it?" Cordelia scoffs.

"Just don't." Fred mumbles and his eyes move to Lilith. "Go on then, your turn."

Lilith wets her lips as she leans over her cauldron. The fumes make her feel dizzy as they engulf her. Grass after rain hits her senses but that's not surprising. She inhales deeply again and she freezes for a moment as it feels oddly familiar. Fuck.

It hits her like a ton of bricks.

Gunpowder and blood.

What the fuck was wrong with her.

"Well?" Cordelia asks with a curious look.

"I don't know." She must have answered too quickly because Fred scoffs at her.

"You liar! Come on, what was it?"

"Nothing."

"Is it Xander and you're just too embarrassed to say?" Lilith wasn't sure why Cordelia fed off her humiliation but she's extremely aware Fred's eyes are glued to her.

She's trying to think what Xander smelt like so she can say that instead. For some reason it's not coming to her at all, all she can think of is the lingering smell from the cauldron.

"Mint!" Lilith finally says as she suddenly remembers Xander's cologne from Monday morning. Her friend squeals.

"It's so cute it smells like Xander. See aren't you glad I set you too up." Fred makes a gagging noise and Cordelia snaps her head to face him. "Don't be jealous."

"What would I be jealous of?"

"Oh I don't know." She shrugs. "Just that he's incredibly good looking, rich, smart. Everything you're not. Nothing to be jealous of at all." Cordelia says with a smirk, turning back seemingly pleased with herself. Fred starts to scribble his notes with angry vigour for a while, it ceases slowly. Then he asks again.

"So? Party?"

She tells him she'll try to make it, but she has no intention of it.

Friday evening she walked slowly to the classroom so she was late. Perhaps if she was Moody would keep her longer and then she could avoid having to attend the party completely. They were all going, every house, only fifth years and over invited. Apparently Durmstrung and Beauxbatons were going too. That would distract him.

Mad eye is sitting behind his desk, marking work and as she's about to knock on the door to make her presence known, he blurts it out.

"Come on in Lestrange."

She would have preferred detention with anyone else, even Snape. Scrubbing toilets would have been preferred.

She walks up to his desk and he spins round in his chair to the bookshelf behind him.

"You know…its' a hard thing to break an imperius curse…. very hard." She doesn't say anything as his fingers trail along the spines of the books. "I assume you know what Occlumency is?"

"Yes Professor." She only answers out of politeness.

"I think you may have a natural talent. It's not something that should be squandered." He finds the book he's looking for and holds it out for her, seemingly annoyed when she doesn't take it straight away. "Being able to resist it will prove useful one day, take it from me." He wiggles the book in front of her and she reaches out with calm hand to take it, staring at the cover.

"Professor, this is from the forbidden section."

His jaw clenches as he stared at her. "Now let me ask you Lestrange. Why are the books there if they aren't for use, hm?" The glint in his eye as he stares at her is almost manic.

She doesn't understand his actions in the slightest. "I – Why professor?"

"You never know when you'll need to hide things Lestrange. Memories. Feelings. The mind is a very dangerous thing. You don't want someone in there poking around. Believe me."

She doesn't understand at all.

"Now sit and read girl."

'You want me to read….as my detention?"

"I don't have any toilets for you to scrub."

Her jaw clenches and she takes a seat at the back of the room.

Chapter 8

The ability to experience and express emotions is more important than one may realise. They play a key part in your reactions and memories and take a toll on your health and relationships. Supressing these can be the key.

To do so you must compartmentalise them. Shut down the part you don't wish people to see. This will help you achieve true occlumency.

She found herself lost in the words. Mad Eye doesn't say much to her which she's thankful for, and it's around quarter to midnight that she finally raises her head, stretching her body and feeling the click in her neck.

Moody is slumped over his chair, head back as he snores.

She drops the book on the table and he wakes up with a grunt. Lilith rather enjoyed it.

"What time is it?"

"Almost midnight. Can I go now?"

"Mid – "

Mad Eye stands from the seat and hobbles over to the stairs. "Yes. Go. Good night Lestrange."

She's never seen Mad eye move so quickly, in fact she was certain she heard panic in his voice. But she's too tired to care. As the door clicks shut she looks down at the book and grabs it from the table. She might as well finish it.

As she walks along the corridor she yawns, pressing the palm of her hand to her eyes from the sting of being up so late. She almost drops her book when she sees Fred leaning against the corridor wall with a bottle of fire whisky clutched in his fist. He swigs it sparingly as he looks at her.

"I found you." He stammers. "I thought maybe you had already gone to bed."

He's slightly drunk. His hair is messy and dishevelled. The shirt he had word to the party is slightly unbuttoned.

"You look fantastic."

Drunk Fred doesn't seem to pick up on the sarcasm.

"Thank you." He says as he pushes his hair back. "So do you. You look beautiful." He pushes himself off the wall, swaying slightly.

"You shouldn't be wandering the castle in your state."

"Well, it is my birthday you know. I should get to do what I want."

He walks over, wetting his lips as his eyes look her up and down. He takes another swig, grimacing slightly. "You didn't come to my party."

"The detention was longer than I thought."

"Well your free now, right?"

He sounds hopeful, but she's too tired.

"It's after midnight Weasley. Did you think getting drunk and coming here was really going to work?"

Fred gave her a look. "Yes. Maybe. I don't know. I'll try anything at this point." He sways a little and rubs his face. The bruising is still prominent along his eye and the bridge of his nose. "You know the Am…amor….Love potion?"

"What about it?"

"The third thing I smelt. I lied. I knew exactly what it was."

She doesn't say anything.

"It's your hair." He admits without being asked. "It smelt just like your hair. The cinnamon, that was you too. But that's far less obvious."

Lilith isn't sure how to respond to any of this.

"Fred you are immensely drunk."

"I am. I'm sorry." He rubs his face again, like he's trying to wake himself up. She can see the guilt. "There was too much drinking at the party. I didn't have that much fun though. I kept drinking."

Lilith stares at his warm face. His cheeks are flushed from the alcohol. She wished she was smashed too as it would have made the conversation easier. She glances at the bottle in his hand and he does too. He then hold it out for her.

She shakes her head slightly. "I'm still underage."

"Oh, I thought you would be…. When's your birthday?"

"Two weeks…the sixteenth."

He holds out the bottle again. "Close enough."

She stifles for a moment and accepts the bottle, gulping a breath before drinking deeply while he stares at her and she can taste his lips on the bottle. The Firewhisky burnt on the way down and she tries not to splutter. She's only tried it once before and she didn't like it then either.

"Better?"

She shakes her head again and he smiles.

"Yeah, it's not working much for me either." He takes it back and drinks heavily this time, gasping when the bottle leaves his lips.

"You lied in potions, didn't you? It didn't smell like mint."

She met his gaze only for a moment.

"What then?"

She considers lying, he probably won't even remember this conversation. She hopes so anyway.

"Sort of like...fire...I guess."

"Fire?"

She caught the tense expression on his face.

"Gunpowder." She confesses. "and Blood." She doesn't know why she admits that part.

He quirks an eyebrow. "You're attracted to blood?"

No. it wasn't the blood. It just reminded her of him, of Monday. The shirt that was tucked down at the bottom of her trunk. She should have just thrown it away.

Fred stares at her for the longest moment as the realisation sinks in. He wipes his nose, as if the blood was still there.

"Blood…Gunpowder."

"Blood and Gunpowder." She repeats.

He smiles gently. "It's the fireworks…I didn't think it was that noticeable."

He seems to be scanning her face for a clue to how she's feeling, but she tries to keep her expression like stone.

"I wondered what it would be like to kiss you, what you taste like Lil. But now I know, it's painful."

Her hearts in her throat. It feels thick as she talks. "Well, that's just carnal lust, isn't it?"

"No!" He almost yells as he reaches out and cups her face. His fingers and warm and sticky from the split alcohol. "No, it's not that at all." He drags her slightly closer to him and she doesn't hold herself back. She should. She shouldn't be slipping her guard so much.

"I want to know you, everything about you, every inch of you." He squeezes her as his eyes study hers. "I feel like you want me to know you too..."

He moves into her, leaving down and she forces herself to pull back slightly although the grip she suddenly has on his chest doesn't falter. She doesn't know how her hand was gripping onto him, she doesn't remember placing it there. She pulls the book between the two of them so it leaves space. She can't be this close to him.

"Weasley – this isn't – "

"I hate when you call me Weasley." His voice has darkened as he says it. "You always try to be so bloody impersonal. Don't you want to know me?"

His thumb brushes her cheek, and she feels the wall of the corridor hit her back. She doesn't know how she got there. It's not forceful at all. He's being so tender with her despite his current state.

This had to be a daydream. She was trying to convince herself she was still sat in detention listening to Moody snore. He bends down slightly to drop the bottle to the floor and his hands slide up her back as he moves to height again. No. This was very real. He was roaring drunk and she suddenly felt it too.

Everything about Fred Weasley was completely intoxicating.

He leans in and his lips ghost hers, and she clenches the book tighter. He kisses her cheek softly. She can smell the fire whisky on his breath as his lips move against her skin.

"Fred what are you doing?" What a fucking stupid question.

"You asked me what I wanted right? For my birthday? I've finally decided." He hums the words against her skin, his lips on her jaw. The book she had the vice grip on drops to the floor. Her eyes flutter close as he places firm kisses along her neck. One of them hits her pulse point and she feels herself quiver slightly.

Fred Weasley was making her quiver. Xander didn't make her quiver.

Her eyes snap open.

"Fred stop, please. You need to stop."

He does, straight away. No protests or refusals as he pushes himself from her, but he still holds on.

"This is a mistake."

"I'm a mistake?" She feels the hurt reverb in his voice. His hands shake slightly.

"No…that's not what I - I don't know why – I don't know, I shouldn't have - "

"Liked it?" He finishes her sentence for her, she starts to shiver.

"You…have Angelina, I have Xander."

"Angelina – "

"Is warm and…soft. Everyone doesn't hate her. She's a much better fit." Lilith stops herself before she says anything more incriminating. She knows what she wants to say to him, but what's the point. She picks off the book off the floor, pulling herself away from him. Suddenly she feels cold.

I'm not good enough for you Weasley.

"So, kissing me was…what exactly?"

"It was just…a carnal response to you being stupid enough to put yourself in danger for me. It didn't mean anything."

The lies sits in her throat. The way he's looking at her stings. Her throat burns from the kisses.

"And just now?"

"Your drunk."

"I am." He nods. "But you're not."

"I didn't kiss you."

"No. But you liked it, didn't you?"

Lilith shouldn't have.

"I'm exhausted. I wasn't thinking clearly. People do stupid things when they're tired."

This whole school year felt strenuous and exhausting. She wanted to go back to Malfoy Manor and lock herself away.

Fred swallows hard as his eyes move to the ground. "I'm just a stupid thing."

"That's not what I meant -

"I get it." He says sharply. "He's all perfect, and handsome. I get it."

"Fred that's not – "

He abandons her in the corridor, and she realises what it feels like.