Chapter Four
KagomeThe weekend sneaks up on me, and I only notice its arrival because Sango seems less stressed than she did during the work week. It's Saturday morning, and I'm sitting at the kitchen table awkwardly pushing food around my plate. This is the first time the three of us have had a meal together since we came here, and it's making me feel weird. It feels so domestic, so normal, and I hate it. It's fake and artificially cheery like they're putting on a show to try to keep me from breaking. Granted, they probably are and probably should be, but that doesn't make me feel better.
Sango's been friends with Inuyasha for years, so they have this comfortable rhythm together that I'm not used to seeing. For some reason, watching them interact like this only heightens these negative feelings building inside me. She giggles at something he says while he rolls his eyes at her with friendly familiarity, and I can't tell myself to look away even though I don't want to watch. I don't remember the last time I saw her light up so much around another person and I have no idea how that makes me feel. Maybe a little jealous of having to share her attention? But even that feels wrong. I'm going to chalk it all up to being in a weird place right now and push it out of my head.
I look back to my plate and push some eggs around with my fork. I haven't eaten anything yet, and I'm not sure I can. My stomach feels like it's twisting and turning, and I could almost throw up at any moment. I skewer a strawberry and pop it into my mouth, forcing myself to try something. I have to focus on chewing and swallowing because the taste and texture turn to sand once it's in there. Sometimes, food just doesn't agree with my body. Sometimes, weird textures make me want to crawl out of my skin. This is one of those times. I push the plate away and feel the bile rising in my throat. I don't realize they're both watching me now until Inuyasha speaks.
"No strawberries then," Inuyasha says across from me, standing to walk over to the veritable buffet on the counter. "You're literally green. How about a cinnamon roll?" He offers one to me but I shake my head. Cinnamon is too overwhelming, and the smell makes me close my eyes at the intrusive headache that starts to take root.
"Hmm." He muses for a minute before returning to the island full of food. He picks up a plain biscuit and brings it to me on a new plate. He switches them out quickly before I have a chance to see the offending strawberries again. "It's basically just bread. You don't even have to butter it." He says it gently as he sets it down in front of me. He isn't babying me. He isn't forcing me to eat. He is offering me an option.
I glare at the biscuit for a moment, having an internal war with it as I consider the offer. I reach out a finger and poke the top. It's soft, and when I poke a hole into it, steam releases from the inside. I busy myself with pulling it apart and watching the flakey layers separate, and a cloud of steam billows from the inside. I tear it into small pieces and eat one.
It's unoffending on my tongue, and I can swallow it without wanting to gag. I eat another bite, and my stomach is suddenly awake and ravenous. After a few more bites I nod my head to Inuyasha, who is still standing over me watching with a smirk on his face, as though he's amused.
"Good girl." He winks at me, and I choke on the bite I was swallowing. My cheeks heat at the comment, and I laugh at him and shake my head. His smirk tells me he got the reaction he was going for, and my answering smile, while soft, sticks around.
I don't know how he manages to help me feel so at ease, but it's becoming a fun skill of his the longer we're here. It's a welcome change to have someone joke around and have fun with me. It feels like everyone takes everything so seriously. There's been no room for brevity or laughter in my life for so long, and I want that to change.
"What do you wanna do today?" Sango asks, suddenly breaking me from my contented state. "I was thinking we could have a movie day that's not curled up in bed." She offers, but I shrug my shoulders. Nothing sounds particularly fun right now.
"Whatever you want to do, honestly," I say noncommittally. Just as she's about to reply, a deep vibration rattles the table. Someone's phone was face down, causing the sound to echo loudly through the room.
Every nerve ending I have feels like it's on fire, and my brain transports me somewhere else entirely. I'm back in Koga's apartment, bound over my couch, and all I can hear is that stupid wand vibrating against me over and over. I can hear his words echoing through my head like he's standing right next to me.
"You're going to cum for me. Twice. And I'm going to show you who owns your body."
"You belong to me, Kagome. You'll always belong to me."
I'm gasping for breath that I can't catch. My eyes aren't seeing, and then I feel hands on me, and I flail against them before I feel an impact. Maybe I've fallen, maybe someone's hit me, maybe I've hit someone else, I really can't tell. I can feel the pressure of Koga's body against mine, and it's all I can do to remain still and pray for it to end.
I can't count the number of times I've closed my eyes and waited for it to end. Waited for him to be done with me and leave me alone to come back to myself slowly. I disassociate so intensely that I have no idea where I am or what I'm doing, but I prefer it that way. Coming back hurts, though. Waking up from dissociating is like being plunged into ice water, as suddenly every feeling inside of you comes surging back at full force.
You survive for the moment, but you want to die once you're back; at least, that's how it feels for me. As I start to come to again, my fingers itch to claw at my skin. Historically, the pain that I inflict on myself eases the ache just enough that it's bearable. Just enough that I feel like I have some control. Just enough that I want to survive, or at least that I feel like I can. Sango's voice slowly cuts through the haze and pulls me back to the present, and I can feel how tight her fingers are around my wrists to keep me from doing exactly what I want to do right now.
"Deep breaths. Deep breaths. There you go. Everything is okay." She whispers to me and kneels in front of me on the floor of Inuyasha's kitchen. It takes me a moment to realize where I am and what's going on as the blinding overhead lights bear down on me from my place on the floor.
There's a broken plate and food scattered across the floor, and I've clearly been sitting down here for a while. I think I fell off my chair, if the pain in my tailbone is any indication, and the pressure I felt on my body was definitely Sango trying to keep me from hurting myself. She's holding me tight against her and gradually loosening as I come out of whatever PTSD-fueled haze I was just in.
"I'm so sorry," I say quickly, pulling from her grasp to start cleaning up the mess with quivering hands that can barely gasp onto the shards of ceramic. Inuyasha is already on it with a broom, so I start helping pick up the larger pieces of the plate when his hand gently wraps around mine. The panic takes over, and I flinch away from him, expecting the worst. I can almost see his hand reaching out to strike me.
"Hey." He says gently. I look up, not quite meeting his eyes. His voice reminds me where I am, in his kitchen, where Koga can't find me. I remind myself that I'm safe, and it helps quell some of the panic. "It's okay. It was an accident. I've got this one." He assures me, and I'm stock-still as I take in his words, unsure what to make of them.
I'm still breathing fast, and it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest. I clasp a hand to it and try to breathe in and out slowly, but my head feels light, and the room spins around me. I feel myself wilt, adrenaline no longer keeping me upright.
"Can't breathe." The words break apart in my throat. Aside from the panic, I can't feel anything, but Inuyasha is there to catch me. He twists around and settles my back against his chest, pulling my body into his to hold me upright. I have no idea how he so deftly avoids the mess I've made, but he manages.
"Can you trust me to put my arm over your throat?" he asks, his lips close to my ear. I'm confused by this question.
"Why?" I ask. My voice is hoarse and strained. It doesn't even sound like me to my own ears.
"When your body is in fight-or-flight mode, sometimes it can help to have someone press on your carotid arteries to tell your body to calm down. It's like an off-switch for the panic. I think it will help, but only if it doesn't trigger you." I can tell he's measuring his words carefully, and I appreciate his tact. All I can do is nod and lower my arms to make room.
His arm comes up over my shoulders, and he wraps it around my throat. He presses against me, and I can feel the pressure increase in my head. I've been choked before, so the sensation isn't new, but it feels different like this. There's care here. He's being as gentle as he can with me. Warmth floods my body, and I feel myself relax against him.
"You look better already," Sango says from before me. I open my eyes and see her smiling with that same measured smile she's had on her face since she picked me up off the floor so many days ago.
Inuyasha lets go of me, and I let myself sit upright again. I take a deep inhale and find that I can breathe again. My heart rate has calmed down, and there are pins and needles in my fingers as they feel sensation again. I turn back to Inuyasha, and I'm sure there are stars in my eyes.
"Thank you," I say, wrapping his hand with mine. He smiles back at me, a genuine smile, and I squeeze his hand before letting it go. I'm safe here, and I want to stay in this moment where everything feels like it will be okay.
"Now, about that movie. You've got this right, Inu?" Sango says, shattering the calm and pulling me up to stand before leading me into the living room. Inuyasha nods in response to her question and continues cleaning up. She looks back at me. "I was thinking.." she pauses and switches on the TV. "We could do one you really like. Spiderverse?" She asks, settling us onto the soda, hand falling easily into mine. I nod, smiling lightly. It's one of my favorite movies.
"I'd like that." I agree, and she starts the movie with a triumphant glance back at Inuyasha. I internally roll my eyes at her. She's trying to help, I know that, but every triumphant look just highlights how pathetic I am. I sigh and rest my head against her shoulder, trying to convince the thoughts to stop for just a little while longer.
SangoDuring the movie, Kagome smiles and laughs along with her favorite parts. She's watched this one so many times that she can probably recite it word for word, and I do catch her mouthing along to all of the Spider-Gwen scenes—her favorite character.
Shortly into the movie, Inuyasha joined us from the kitchen and sat next to me on the oversized couch. Eventually, Kagome rests her head in my lap and I stroke her hair as she nods off to sleep again. She's been sleeping a lot, but I really don't blame her. I'm honestly happy she's being so gentle with herself.
At the same moment, Inuyasha and I reach for the remote to turn down the TV. Our hands collide, and a little zap runs up my arm. He seems to feel the same way because we both freeze like that momentarily and lock eyes on each other. I pull away first, ever the coward, and awkwardly put my hand under my thigh to tuck it out of the way.
He proceeds with lowering the volume, and we sit in full silence for several minutes, with only the faint sound of the TV as we steal glances at one another. Being alone with him like this is strange, and after my display a few days ago, it's particularly awkward. This is new territory for us, not being intimate with each other, and I don't think either of us really knows what to do with it.
When we were in relationships, we almost always hung out in groups, and any time spent alone was mostly spent doing things that kept us occupied. Time alone, though, was always when we would naturally fall into each other's arms. Sometimes, that just looked like cuddling on the couch to watch a movie, but typically, it was much more than that.
We seem to have always had this natural chemistry between us. It's like we're two magnets, polarized to attract each other. Honestly, I think that's why Kikyo always hated my guts and, for that matter, why I hated hers, though she didn't make it easy for me to like her in the first place.
"So, um-" he starts, shifting uncomfortably. "How's she doing? She seems a little better today." I look down at the precious sleeping form in my lap and pull her blanket up a little higher on her shoulders.
"She does seem a little better. I can't tell you what she's been through, Inu, if you could have seen those X-rays. And Gods, I couldn't even hold myself together when she told Kagura the story. She really truly suffered, and I fear she's never going to be the same again." A tear slides down my cheek, but I angrily brush it away. "Do you think you could turn off vibrate on your phone? That's not the first time it's been a trigger for her, and I think it will be again," I ask, catching a look at him. The pity in his eyes is overwhelming, and I can't tell if it's directed at her or me—probably both.
"What did he do to her that vibration is a trigger?" He asks. I notice his hands clench in anger as he considers the possibilities.
"I can't tell you that, I'm sorry. It's not my story to share. What I can tell you is that I hope he suffers a slow, painful death. Fortunately, the protection order has been processed and is good for a year. Once I get everything together for my case, I should be able to bury him before then." I respond and shift to move Kagome's head off of my lap so I can face him fully. She doesn't seem to stir when I gently place it on a pillow.
"Let me know if there's any way I can help with that. I know the Yokai court takes this shit really seriously, but there's a lot of red tape. I'm sure you won't have too much trouble from that end, especially since my dad is on it, and he knows how much integrity you have." He says, and I nod in response. I don't use my relationship with council members to sway their votes, but it certainly helps that most of them know my character. "Can I at least know who her ex is?" He asks tentatively.
"Koga Easten." I answer. He stills and slowly turns his head to look at me.
"That disgusting fucker? I knew I smelled wolf on her when she got here, but I had no idea it'd be him. How did she even get mixed up with him?" He asks with vitriol in his voice. I sigh in return, shame coating every part of me.
"She wasn't interested originally. They met at Shikon. She was in her first semester, and he was in his last. When he saw her it was like he became totally infatuated. She was all he talked about and thought about, according to Ginta and Hakkaku. Trust me, I got an earful from them during every class we shared. 'Come on, Sango, he's a good guy.' And 'if you don't give your blessing, then he'll never get anywhere.' He watched her for that semester and saw how she and I got on.
"We were friends our entire lives, you know? We talk about everything, share everything, value each other more than most other people." I trail off for a moment before collecting my thoughts again. "He picked up on that and sent his cronies in to run damage control. Well, I fucking fell for it. Basically offered her up on a silver platter. He set up this elaborate display in our dorm room with dozens of bouquets of roses. Really professed his love." I make a fake gagging sound at the memory.
"With my blessing, she decided to give him a shot. He started out pretty okay. Maybe a little possessive, but I assumed that was the wolf in him. Within the first six months of dating, though, I noticed she wasn't making any other friends. By then, I had you, Miroku, and a handful of close classmates. But Kagome, she still only had me and Koga, and kind of Ginta and Hakkaku by extension, I guess.
"A little while later, I noticed he was pulling her away from her family, too, and I got suspicious. I tried to talk to her about it, but she blew it off and said I was overreacting to nothing. I believed her at first but it wasn't long after that when the first bruises appeared. She said she tripped down the stairs, but the bruises around her ribs were insane. There was no way. I tried to take her to campus medical, but she refused to go. She kept saying she could handle it with her reiki and she'd be fine.
"After that, he wouldn't let her talk to me for about two weeks. And that was how it went every time I tried to voice a concern. She had a broken nose? Couldn't see me for a month. She had a black eye? Couldn't see me for a week. She had a concussion? Couldn't see me for three weeks. He would isolate her from me, and I knew I had to play the long game to make up for my unbelievable mistake. Any time I pushed back, I saw it getting worse for her, and there was nothing I could do.
"I managed to stay around long enough that the day she finally decided she'd had enough, she called. And Gods, that call. I'll never forget the sound of her cries while I drove to get her. They were haunting." Several tears fall down my cheeks, which he reaches over and wipes away for me.
He moves in closer and puts an arm around my shoulders, offering comfort I don't feel I deserve. My head quickly drops to the crook of his neck as I shake with a silent sob. This is a guilt I'll never be able to rid myself of. It's going to hurt forever.
"Hey." He whispers, pressing a kiss to my hair. "You didn't do anything wrong, San. This isn't on you. If anything, you did everything you could. Koga is a piece of shit master manipulator with a sadistic streak. He tricked you the same way he tricked her, with charisma and persistence. But you were there when she needed you. Hold onto that." He reassures me. While the tears still fall, I take what he says to hold on to. I may not believe it now, but maybe one day, I can pull those words back out, dust them off, and really let them sink in. For now though, I'll continue to wallow while I work to correct my wrongs.
"How do you know him?" I ask him, ready to change the subject from my own failings.
"We ran in the same circles growing up. His parents have money and influence, so do mine, so we were in the same private school, extracurriculars, vacations, and the list goes on. We usually found each other interested in the same girls, and he was vindictive when he wanted to be.
"Unfortunately, once he got his claws into someone, he would treat them like shit. Same thing with the staff and even his parents most of the time. He dated a really good friend of mine that I was practically in love with as a teenager. Her name's Shiori." He explains, and my interest piques.
"You mean Tsukuyomaru's daughter, Shiori?" I interrupt to ask. He looks at me with a raised eyebrow but just nods in affirmation.
"Yup. He dated her for a while, and Gods I was so pissed, but then she started turning up with bruises, and I was even angrier. He didn't really let me around her by then; before long, she was a shell of the person she'd been. I wanna say it was Koga's junior year of college. Shiori and I were freshmen, and it wouldn't have been too long after they broke it off that he found Kagome from the sounds of it.
When I told Tsukuyomaru what I thought was happening, he helped her pull out of school and kind of just start over. I remember her saying that he bought it to the Easten family, but they didn't give a shit. Just asked if she was pregnant and what would be needed to make it go away; as long as Koga was still on track to graduate and run the family business, there wasn't much they cared about. Tsukuyomaru didn't have the means to pursue anything, and when he said he would, Shiori begged him not to. I think he just wanted her to have a chance to make it out of all that alive, so he helped her move to live with her mom in New York.
"I still hear from her every once in a while. We both went into college wanting to pursue art, but she really made something of herself since then. She does shows all the time, and from what everyone is saying, she sells a solid amount of her pieces." He finishes his story, looking far away for a minute before returning to the present.
His hand, still grasped in mine, gives a squeeze, and mine answers, trying to provide some level of comfort. I can tell this is painful for him to talk about, and he's uncomfortable being so vulnerable. His eyes don't meet mine, but he does hold my hand a little tighter. I remember all the times he talked about his old friend back in the day, but I never knew who she was or about this story.
"Thank you for sharing that with me." I say and search for his eyes until they meet mine again. He gives a sad smile and nods.
"Shiori is a good person. I miss her all the time. We still see each other when she comes back in town, but things are so different now." He shrugs his shoulders at the admission, clearly wanting a change in topic.
"Do you think she would be willing to meet Kagome next time she's around? It could be good for her to meet someone who has been through something so similar." I ask him, and he raises his eyebrows in contemplation.
"I hadn't considered that. I can text her and see if she'll be in the area any time soon." He pulls out his phone and shoots off the message so quickly that I barely have time to blink.
"Thank you." I say, surprised. I didn't expect him to jump on that so quickly. Clearly, he cares about Kagome, and I really appreciate how much interest he's taken in her recovery. I'm about to say so when his phone pings with a response. He tilts it toward me so I can see the messages as the two exchange back and forth. As I roll toward him a little more he adjusts so I'm pressed into his side.
Inuyasha [12:15 PM] Hey Shiori. Kind of random, but when will you be in town next?
Shiori [12:16 PM] Hey stranger. Long time no talk. Around end of the month. Why?
Inuyasha [12:17 PM] Weird request, but I have a friend who could use your help. She just got out of a relationship with K and things are bad. Think you have it in you to sit down with her?
Shiori [12:17 PM] Yeah I can probably do that. How bad are we talking?
Inuyasha [12:17 PM] Bad, bad. Like severe PTSD, barely eats, forced mating mark, open sexual assault case against him, bad.
He waits to send the message until I nod in acceptance of his words. There's a pause between the next messages before his phone goes off several times in a row.
Shiori [12:35 PM] Fucking Monster.
Shiori [12:35 PM] Disgusting, deplorable, soulless monster. He deserves to rot.
Shiori [12:35 PM] I wont lie hearing that is a little triggering, but I have therapy tomorrow. Let me talk to my therapist and see how much I can handle here. I think it's a yes. I'm in a really good place right now. Just wanna make sure I take care of me too. Your oxygen mask before your kids', yk?
Inuyasha [12:36 PM] I get it. Please don't do anything thats going to hurt you.
Shiori [12:37 PM] I will let you know ASAP
"Well, that's something, I guess." Inuyasha says as he puts his phone back down.
"Thank you for doing that," I say, and he leans into me a little to press his head against the top of mine. Knowing I can trust him warms my heart, and knowing that he cares about Kagome means a lot to me, especially with Monday getting closer and closer. I know I need to give her a chance to function without me around, and there is so much work I have to get done, but leaving her still feels wrong. With Inuyasha here, though, it feels like it will be a little easier to walk out the door.
"Anything for you." He whispers the words, but I still hear them. I pull away from him a little so I can look into his eyes, and I find burning globes of gold staring back at me.
I can't help myself from pressing my lips against his. It's not a quick or chaste kiss. It's one filled with desire and need. I can feel every movement of his lips against mine, they're soft but firm, and when he runs his tongue over the seam of mine, I open them to him quickly.
Our tongues battle for dominance, with mine quickly submitting to the whim of his and suddenly, everything around us feels far away. My hands are in his hair, and his are holding my hips, guiding me closer to him. It's just me and Inuyasha sharing this moment.
I moan lightly as his teeth nip at my lip, and feel myself grinding against him involuntarily from my current position. The friction elicits a low growl from him, that starts to spur me on, prompting me to lose myself in him, I love it when he growls. Then, I jump as I hear a snoring sound next to us, and I'm reminded of where we are, and who we are. I pull back from him to find I've made my way into his lap and were both panting hard.
"We shouldn't get carried away." I say, hands still in his hair. He groans quietly and squeezes my hips before resting his forehead against mine.
"Yeah, sorry. You're just…" He pauses, eyes roaming over my body for a moment. "Irresistible sometimes." He sighs, and I move off of his lap back to my spot on the couch. Kagome still seems fast asleep.
"Same." I say simply before resting my head against his shoulder. I turn the TV up just a little more before focusing back in on the movie in a comfortable silence.
One day I'll figure my shit out, and maybe he will too. Whatever this thing is between us, it needs room to breathe. It needs to find itself among the weeds of Kikyo, Kagome, and our past before we can even consider trying to let it flourish. I know if we move too quickly, it will burn out before it has a chance. But, will I ever be ready for that? I can't say for sure. All I know right now is that with Kikyo in the picture, and with Kagome still needing me so much, I don't have time to worry about Inuyasha. Or me, for that matter.