I walk into the kitchen with shaky hands and the smell of coffee and muffins assaulting my nose. My stomach is already churning with dread, and the smell isn't as welcome as it would be on any other day. I take a deep breath and shake my hands out a little as I look for the lavender-haired half-demon sitting at the kitchen table. When I see her, I offer a half smile, and I'm sure she can tell I'm radiating anxiety.
I'm not sure why I'm so nervous about this, but it's probably because it's the first time I've interacted with anyone adjacent to Koga since …. Well, everything. She waves at me, and I take a seat across from her, where a full coffee cup and a muffin are already waiting. I stare at the offering for a minute, wondering if I will even be able to swallow anything without gagging today.
The back of my mind screams at me that I'm forgetting about all of the important things going on in my life, but I know that's bullshit. All I can think about every moment of every day is my circumstances and what's coming next. This Monday, I go back to working from home, and no part of me is ready for that.
Could I probably take more time off? Yes. Will I? Definitely not. The fear of work stabs me in the gut again, and I take a deep, shuddering breath to try to calm my nervous system. My brain doesn't get the memo and instead barrages me with the litany of things I'd rather not remember.
You have work tomorrow, your mating mark hurts, you haven't eaten a real meal in two days, the person in front of you is a stranger who knows Koga. What if she is still talking to him; tells him where you are; he tries to come here; he is successful; he picks a fight with Sango or Inuyasha; he beats them senseless; he kills them. What if there's too much to do Monday and it causes you to break down; you start to revert; you become catatonic; you aren't ready. It hasn't been long since you actually started to feel like a person. You're meeting with Kaede soon. What if she can't help with your reiki; there's something wrong with you; you'll never be able to defend yourself from a demon; Koga won and this was exactly what he wanted; he broke you down, he broke you into pieces, you're broken.
You're broken You're broken You're broken You're broken You're broken You're broken You're broken You're broken You're broken You're broken You're broken You're broken I'm broken I'm broken I'm broken I'm broken I'm broken I'm broken I'm broken I'm broken I'm broken I'm broken I'm broken broken broken broken broken brokenbrokenbrokenbroken
"Kagome?" Shiori's voice breaks me from the spiral, and I realize I am starting to hyperventilate, still staring at the food in front of me. "Are you alright? Take a deep breath." She says, recognizing my panic. I breathe in, filling my lungs until they can't expand anymore, and then exhale slowly. I feel the tingling in my fingers and toes as my body settles and the adrenaline abates.
"Sorry," I say weakly, struggling to find more words in my brain.
"There's no need to apologize; this is a lot to take in," she says.
"Nice to meet you," I say, forcing a laugh to ease my awkwardness. "Thanks for ordering for me. I can Venmo you," Looking for any reason to bury my face in my phone and be distracted from this conversation, I pull it out and start looking through my apps.
"No, no. It's my pleasure. I'm so happy you decided to meet with me. It takes a lot of strength and perseverance to do something like this." Her smile is warm and reaches her eyes in a way I feel like mine never will again. "Would you like to tell me a little about what you've been going through? Or, I can start by sharing a little bit about my journey first. Whatever you're comfortable with."
"Can you tell me about you?" I ask, much too eagerly, but she doesn't seem to mind.
"Absolutely, I'll start from the beginning. If this gets to be too much at any point, just stop me, okay?" She waits for me to nod before speaking again.
"I met Koga when I was 14. I think from the moment he saw me, he knew I was going to be a challenge. It felt like that drew him in in the first place honestly. When I turned him down, he took it well, but he persisted and made himself a presence in my life that I couldn't avoid. Inuyasha was very against the idea of me dating him, but I just assumed he was being protective, so after a while, I went for it. By the time I got to college, I finally decided to give him a chance.
"We'd been dating for 2 months when he hit me for the first time. This was after two whole months of love bombing, so I truly thought there was no way it would be a pattern. If you haven't heard the term 'love bombing,' it's basically when an abuser showers you with affection to manipulate you into entering or staying in a relationship with them. I blamed myself because 'how was it possible he didn't love me like he said he did'?" She air quotes the words with a gentle eye roll at herself.
"We all think that way at some point, I think. But that's the point of the manipulation tactics abusers use. Their goal is to break you down and use your own mind and reality as a weapon against you." She offers a sad smile before continuing.
"After the first time, there was a huge apology involving my favorite flowers, and I thought I was in the clear. But it continued and escalated. Every time, it got worse, but every time, he would make these grand apologies and declarations of love to ease my fears. I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until, eventually, Inuyasha said something.
"He saw the bruises, and he said I had lost my light to the point that he didn't even recognize me anymore. I wouldn't hear him out at the time, but I thank the Gods every day that he got my dad involved. I truly don't know if I would be alive right now if he hadn't stepped in.
"And let me tell you, recovering from that was so hard. I had severe PTSD, and any trigger just threw me into a full-body flashback. Once I was out from under his thumb, it didn't take long for me to realize how awful he was or how much I was suffering. I threw myself into art because I needed some way to express all of the emotions I was feeling but couldn't identify or pick apart. It helped a lot, and honestly, some of my best work came out of it. I also did a lot of therapy, to be fair." She laughs before continuing.
"I'm not one of those people who believes this situation made me 'stronger' or 'better.' On the contrary, I almost lost myself. But, it was in spite of the abuse I suffered that I persevered. I believe it is a testament to my resilience that I have not only survived but thrived." She pauses, looking at me patiently as I process all of her words.
I'm overwhelmed by the weight of what she's told me. It's so similar to what happened to me, and for some reason, that makes me feel worse—like I fell for something I shouldn't have fallen for. But simultaneously, I feel less alone listening to Shiori's story than I have in months. I feel like even though I went through something terrible, I'm not an island unto myself.
"I wanted to make sure to tell you that because I know how isolating and desolate it can feel to be where you are. It feels like nothing will ever get better, and it feels like you'll never be you again. It's suffocating. But there's light at the end of the tunnel. I'm here to support you, so is Inuyasha, and so is Sango. You have a lot of people in your corner, and the fact that we're here right now is proof of your resilience." She adds, and her eyes are warm as they appraise me. She isn't pitying me or waiting for me to break; she's just talking to me like another person.
"How long did it take for you to feel better? Like yourself again?" I ask, tearing at the edge of the sleeve on my coffee cup, needing something to keep my fingers busy.
"It took a long time, but it got better slowly. It wasn't just suddenly better one day; it was like I woke up and realized how far I had come. Sometimes, it feels like you aren't making progress, but from what Sango told me, it sounds like you've made a lot." She says, and I nod back, knowing she means it.
"I'm different now than I was when I was with him, but it scares me. I don't feel like I'm getting better, as much as I feel like I'm fading away." My words are quiet as I admit it, but I realize I can trust Shiori to hear me and hear what's really underneath. She understands more than anyone else can.
"Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. It's like-" She pauses for a moment, "It's like the person you were when you were with him is fading away, and now you have to find who you really are underneath. You're so used to who you were, who you had to become to survive, that you can't figure out how to just be you. And honestly, like we always do in life, we are never the same person we were before something happened. I like to think that isn't a bad thing."
I think about those words and let them settle in my mind. They speak to me in a way nothing has so far. There is hope in those words. I am not alone. Other people have done this and come out better on the other side, and so can I. Today feels a little less dark.
"Thank you so much for sharing that with me. It means a lot." I take a sip of my coffee and gauge how prepared I am to divulge my story. When I look at Shiori, she's nodding, and there is something in her that helps me feel like I can share my secrets. I clear my throat before I begin, stalling for one more minute to work up courage that won't come. I just have to start talking, and the rest will come.
"When I met Koga, I was a freshman, and he and about to graduate. When he first approached me, I blew him off immediately, and after that, he made sure to find ways to run into me all over campus. Eventually, he talked Sango into letting him stage this huge romantic gesture in our apartment, and I swooned. This older, confident, attractive guy was so interested in me, and I couldn't say no. Things were okay for a while, but it started with him becoming really controlling about what I wore, how I did my hair, who I talked to during class and after, what I ate or didn't eat, how much I exercised, and just everything about my life. He wanted a hand in everything I did.
"The first time he hit me, we were fighting over a dress I wanted to wear to a networking event. I remember so distinctly because I couldn't get my blood out of the silk, and it was an expensive dress my mom bought me as a high school graduation gift that I absolutely loved. I cried for hours. The next day, he showed up with the same dress and a bouquet of peonies, my favorites. I remember thinking, 'Wow. he really does still love me. I didn't fuck this up by being stubborn,' and we moved on.
"For the next six years I stayed, thinking I was somehow earning my place for holding onto him. There were full days when his yoki would take over, and the fear that beat me down was unparalleled, reminding me there was no escape. There were several nights where I swore I'd leave. By that point, though, I had nowhere to go and no one to turn to since he'd alienated me from everyone. I felt like a failure in the relationship, and I thought I could make it better if I just tried hard enough.
"It's like my brain was this mess of contradictions and mental gymnastics to reconcile this person I loved with the monster standing in front of me. The night I left was the night he raped me. Something inside of me shattered into a million pieces, and I believe that so many of those pieces are buried under our old living room floor forever. It was the last straw." I finish speaking, and I don't realize I'm crying until I look up at Shiori through blurry eyes.
"Sorry. It's a lot." I apologize, wiping off my face and forcing a smile. "You didn't come here to see me cry."
"Hey," Shiori says, holding out a hand for me to hold. I take it. "You don't need to apologize for having feelings, Kagome. I came here to meet you and maybe make a friend who's been through something similar to me. Tears are bound to happen. Can I call attention to the fact that you're so fucking brave? Because with everything you went through with him, the fact that you were able to call Sango that night means something. Making the choice to leave is one of the hardest things you'll ever do." Her words are so sincere that they send another wave of tears over me.
"Thank you," I whisper. She pulls out a travel pack of tissues and hands them to me. "I feel like I'm still searching for myself inside my head. Like I ran to hide somewhere, and it's still not safe enough to come out some days."
"I felt like that for so long. It took ages for me to get back on my feet, but you know what I found helped the most?"
"What?" I ask.
"Surrounding myself with people who loved and supported me. If they could lift me up, then I could learn how to do it myself, too." She offers.
"I'm really lucky with Sango and Inuyasha, aren't I?"
"I don't know Sango well, but I know that she has spearheaded so much for you. She truly loves you. I do know Inuyasha incredibly well, and I've never seen that man care about someone else so much. You're in spectacular hands, Kagome. Add in some therapy, and I think you're gonna make it." She adds, winking at me and breaking my cries with laughter, genuine laughter that breaks apart the hole in my chest a little. I breathe and feel like I'm really getting oxygen into my lungs for the first time in days.
"Can we talk about anything but Koga? How about your art show? Inuyasha said you sold every piece." I say, changing the subject to better get to know the person in front of me. I feel like we are kindred spirits, and this is someone I could call a friend one day.
"Oh my gosh, yes. Here, look at these pictures," she says, gleefully pulling out her phone to share.
Calm settles over me, a real calm like life isn't this insane tornado of chaos. I'm drinking coffee with a new friend, looking at pictures from her art gallery. I'm reaching out to someone new and giving myself a chance to make something out of a new friendship. I'm not letting Koga, for the first time in ages, shove his way into everything I do, think, or say. For the first time in years, this is just Kagome.
SangoWith Kagome meeting with Shiori, I have the perfect opportunity to finally indulge Inuyasha in the conversation he's been begging me for the last two weeks. I've had enough time to gather my thoughts and feel like I have my head on straight again. The rage I felt when I got home the other night was neatly tucked away and ready for me to have a calm, logical conversation.
"Guess we should talk," I say, crossing my arms over my chest and landing next to him on the edge of the roof.
I asked him to meet me up here so I could breathe, and to add to my composure. I used to sit on the roof as a kid when I needed a break; it continued all through high school into college. When Kagome and I lived together, we spent hours on the roof of our dorm building as a way to decompress and have long talks.
"I'm glad you decided you're ready to. How are you?" he asked, uncharacteristically nervous. I noticed he was picking at his claws and struggling to make eye contact with me. That's good. He should be uncomfortable.
"Honestly?" I ask, and he nods, finally meeting my eyes. "I've been really hurt. And maybe that's not fair of me; we didn't exactly set any expectations or boundaries." I say, trailing off. "But regardless, this sucks." Stupid tears begin to brim my eyes and fight to blink them back.
"San." He whispers and takes my hand in his.
"What are we doing, Inu?" I ask exasperated. He looks over at me with a similar expression.
"I don't know. I just know I have feelings for you." He says it quietly, and my heart jumps.
"I-I," I stutter for a moment as I rack my brain for the right thing to say. So much for calm and logical. "Me too," I finally decide to say. I can feel the fear settle in my chest. "After everything with Miroku and Kikyo, I just don't know if I can do this. I'm afraid to trust you." I look up and watch the clouds float and swirl in the sky, begging them to help me inhale and exhale.
"Will you finally tell me what went down between you and him?" he pleads. "Neither of you has spilled for years. I don't get it, but I feel like I need to know."
"I just wanted to pretend it never happened." I sigh and sit up straight, running a hand through my hair. He looks back at me, and I can see the hope in his eyes that I'll open up. I heave a sigh, "I'll tell you, I just don't want you to view me differently. Hate Miroku if you want, but don't pity me, okay?"
"Wouldn't dream of it." He says, a half smile quirking his lips.
"Sango!" I look up to see my brother walk in the door.
"Kohaku!" I screech and run to him. We embrace each other warmly. We take a seat at the table I've had reserved for months. We've been planning this for ages and just haven't had a chance.
I am still fairly new to my career, and I've been incredibly busy with my new job in the Yokai court system. I think I've really made my mark as my mother and I fight to enact real change, but it's kept me busy to the point that I can barely think some days.
So busy, in fact, that even my boyfriend doesn't see me very often, and he lives with me. I especially don't have enough time with my little brother, who is just now starting his first semester of college.
"It's so good to see you! How is your first semester going?" I ask him as the server brings out our drinks.
"Actually, really well. I'm still in my Gen. Ed. Program, and I'm not sure what my major will end up being. I guess that's kind of the point of starting without a major in the first place." He shrugs and tries to look cool and collected, but I know our mom has been pressuring him to go into law like I did.
"I'm really proud of you, Kohaku. Your future is yours to decide; don't forget that." I remind him. Despite our family pressure, I've always been supportive of his dreams.
"How's Miroku?" He asks, quickly changing the subject.
"He seems fine. I'm really busy right now, so I'm not home as much as I'm sure he'd like. This is my dream, though. I think he understands that." I grimace a little at the force of my tone. Jeez, Sango, who are you trying to convince here, Kohaku or yourself? I chide mentally.
"Hmm." He's skeptical, but he drops it almost immediately. "If you say so. I know how much your career means to you, but I also know how much you care about him. Make sure you're holding onto the right things." His smile is infectious and I'm immediately smiling right along with him. His phone ringing breaks our brother-sister bonding moment.
"Hey." He says into the speaker, giving me an apologetic look. "Oh shit. Are you okay?" He looks surprised and shifts his body away from me a little.
"Okay, yeah. I'll be there in a couple of minutes. Let me just wrap up with my sister. I'll call you again when I'm on my way. Love you too." He says and ends the call. "I'm so sorry, Sango, I've gotta run. This is an awkward way to bring it up, but my new girlfriend is in the hospital. Car accident. She said she's fine, but she doesn't have any family, so I'm going to go up there to be with her. Can we do this again soon? Maybe next time I can bring her with?" He asks hopefully, and my heart melts.
"Oh my Gods, yes! I'm so excited for you; that's awesome. I can't wait to get to meet her. Get out of here!" I demand, rising from my chair to give him a hug. He hugs me back and runs out the door. As surprised as I am by the new information, Kohaku is a handsome kid who's definitely going places. I knew it wouldn't be long before he met someone.
Taking a look at my watch, it's about an hour and a half earlier than I expected to be leaving. I consider going back to the office since there's plenty I can get done there, but I decide at the last minute to head home instead. This is a great excuse to spend some time with Miroku and maybe take a full evening to myself.
It's not long before I get back to our apartment. Well, really, it's my apartment, and Miroku moved in recently. His lease was up at his old place and it just made the most sense for him to move in with me instead of signing a new one. As I step inside, all of the lights are off, so I stumble blindly for the light switch and flick it on. As I get farther inside, I hear terrible noises coming from our bedroom. Noises that sound incredibly sexual.
There's the slapping of skin against skin, light moans that sound like Miroku, and some that sound distinctly feminine. I take a deep breath before opening the door, praying that he's just watching porn on the other side. Unfortunately, that would be too easy.
There in the middle of my bed is a naked Miroku with a naked Kikyo riding his cock. The noise I make is feral and angry. Suddenly, I'm screaming, and I don't even know how all of this rage has ever been able to be contained in my body.
"You piece of fucking garbage. You come into my home that I pay for. You take a hiatus from work to work on your fucking 'passion projects' and mooch off of all the hard, grueling work I'm doing. Just to turn around and fuck someone else in the bed we share! The bed I purchased for myself before you ever even came to live here? I thought we got through this. I thought after the last time I found out you were screwing around behind my back that we could make it work. I fucking forgave you!" I pick up candles off of the TV stand at the front of the room and start lobbing them at the naked couple in my bed. Wax is flying as they extinguish and land against their skin.
"Get the fuck up!" I scream at them. Up to now, they've just been staring at me dumbfounded, like they really thought there was no way they could be caught. I pull a duffel bag out of the closet with a bang and throw it at Miroku's head.
"Pack your shit. You have 5 minutes before I lose my absolute mind." I walk out of the room, slamming the door behind me, and take some deep breaths. I always knew this man was a lecher, but I never thought he would stoop so low. And with Kikyo? Really?
"Sango, please. I can explain." He starts to speak, but as I whirl around with burning fury in my eyes, he shuts up and goes back to packing his shit. Kikyo, fortunately dressed now, comes around the corner as I'm standing in my living room, fuming.
"Bye, Sango. Wish I could say it was good seeing you." She says as she goes toward the door. I don't bother responding.
Kikyo has always had an issue with me, so I just roll my eyes and ignore her. She's not even the one I'm infuriated with right now. She didn't owe anything to me. Miroku walks out of my bedroom, bag in hand, with his head hung.
"I'm sorry, Sango-" He starts, but I cut him off.
"Get out. I never want to see your fucking face again. I never want to speak to you again. I'm done." I say. "Give me your key." He fishes his keys out of the pocket of his jeans and struggles with the key ring before I snatch them out of his hand and remove mine before throwing them back in his face. I hear his footsteps retreating, and that's when I finally let the tears fall.
Miroku doesn't come back to grovel. He doesn't apologize via message or call. I don't hear from him at all after I kicked him to the curb. And honestly, its blissful without him despite the pain of love lost. So blissful that when Inuyasha's name appears on my phone screen I jump at the chance to answer the call.
"Hey, stranger," I answer.
"Hey, Sango. You have a minute?"
"Anything for you! What's up?"
"I heard you and Miroku broke up, and I just wanted to reach out and tell you how sorry I am. I know that we haven't talked a ton lately, but when I heard from him, I really wanted to check on you. What happened?"
"I really appreciate the call. I wish I could say I'm miserable, but honestly, I'm just not. Miroku had nothing going for him when all of this happened, and I had been feeling this was faltering for a while. I just wasn't ready to call it quits yet. You know I'm not a quitter." I explain. He laughs in response, "As far as what happened," I pause. "I'm not ready to talk about it yet."
"Neither was he. Well, I'm glad to hear that you're doin' okay. Sango," he starts and then pauses for a second; he seems nervous. "Would you wanna come by sometime? I miss the hell out of you, and I would love to spend some time together." I balk for a moment, shocked by the request.
"Is your girlfriend okay with that? Last I checked, she hated my guts." Hypocritical whore, I think to myself. Hopefully, they aren't together anymore, and I don't have to break the news about her and Miroku to him right now.
"Actually, we broke things off a few weeks ago." I can't read his tone as he says it, but regardless, I'm glad to hear that he's not being cheated on too. I consider the conversation for a moment and realize he asked me to come over after not seeing me for months and just getting out of a relationship.
"Inuyasha Taisho. Is this a fucking booty call?!" I yell into the phone, but I'm laughing hysterically.
"Well, I mean. That wasn't. I just-" he's stuttering through the words, and my laughter slowly fades out.
"I'm on my way. Make sure I'm still on your stupid barrier list," I say with a smile. There's an extra pep in my step as I pack an overnight bag. His voice is higher pitched, and clearly, he is trying to play it cool.
"Yeah. Sounds great. I'll see you when you get here."
I end the call and throw some of my things together before running out of the door. I don't know what it is about this half-demon that always keeps me running back, but I'm excited to have my memory jogged.
It's only a few short months after that when Kikyo sinks her claws back into Inuyasha and holds on tight for two more years. And so, the endless cycle continues with me falling into the background for the woman everyone seems to want more than me.
"Holy shit." He says as I wrap up the story. "I had no fucking Idea. Even Kikyo never told me about that." He says, wrapping my hand tighter in his.
"Yeah." I agree with an eye roll. "It sucks. I haven't spoken to him since then. But I didn't want to ruin his life. I just wanted him to be dead to me." I explain and throw myself onto the floor, sick of sitting up. It's too much energy after all of that. He lands beside me and drapes an arm over my torso.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he asks. I see hurt in his eyes, and I let out a sigh.
"I'm sorry. Maybe I should have sooner, but it was too hard to talk about. And I was really happy having you back in my life again. I didn't want to bring you down with me. Maybe that was wrong of me." I shrug the best I can on the floor.
"No, I don't think it was wrong. I understand. Thank you for telling me, San. I'm sorry that happened to you, and it fucking sucks. You didn't deserve that. No one does," he says "I guess I really understand why you're so apprehensive around Kikyo now." He adds, but I shake my head.
"It's not just that. I want to trust you, Inu. I really, really do. But this thing between you and Kikyo is so co-dependent and parasitic. When I heard you were sleeping with her again, it felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. I just don't want to ask you to do something solely for my comfort." I pause and take a deep, shuddering breath. "We've never even had a chance here. Every time we get close again, something comes between us. I mean, even now, if Kikyo wasn't involved, we still have Kagome to worry about." I run my fingers through my hair, exasperated, before tears start to fall.
I lean into him, the wall fully breaking down the longer we push at it. He pulls me tight against his chest and holds me while I cry. I'm not just crying for this; I'm crying for Kagome, for Inuyasha, for a past that still hurts. I'm crying for a younger me who had her heart shattered and never got to unpack it.
"I'm sorry. I've been so wrapped up in my own shit that I didn't even realize just how much you were holding onto." He admits, rubbing soothing circles into my back. "But right now, Sango, you're the most important person in my life. I'll do anything to keep you here with me."
"What does that mean?" I ask, my heart fluttering in my chest. I lift my head from his chest so my watery eyes can meet his.
"It means fuck Kikyo. I don't want anything to do with her if it's going to hurt you. Especially because she clearly intended to cause you pain in the past, and that's so fucked. I mean it." He says, looking into my eyes intently to convey his sincerity.
"That's an awfully big decision to make just for me," I say quietly, not feeling like I'm worth this much conviction or change.
"I don't want to sleep with Kikyo anymore. I promise you aren't forcing my hand there. If that's what it takes to make this work between us, then that's what I want," he says resolutely. "If it's what it takes to finally find some peace in my life, then I want to cut her out. I just needed a better reason to stick to my guns. You're it, San. You're the reason." He insists.
"Inuyasha," I respond, breathless. Those words mean more to me than he could ever know. "Where do we go from here?"
"Nowhere. For now, we keep doing what we're doing. No expectations or pressure. Let's just let this thing take its time. It's never had the chance to do that before." He says.
"I like that. No rush." I agree.
"Exactly." He agrees, cupping my cheek in his hand. He leans forward and presses his lips against mine in a welcome, chaste kiss. It feels like the start of something that will finally have a chance to grow.