Nerves are buzzing through my body, and I can't feel my fingers. As we pull up to my family's house a thousand thoughts flood my mind. Will they freak out? Will I freak out? Will I be able to get through even an hour here? I can't remember the last time I had water. Why didn't I make a coffee before coming so I could hype myself up? Oh yeah, because that would make this horrible anxiety worse. Will I even be able to eat anything? Kohaku brought his girlfriend; why do I have to meet her like this? Did I turn off the curling iron before I left the house?
Koga's still in jail. He can't get to me. He won't find me here. He won't hurt them. Then why can't I talk about it? He attacked me that day at the gardens, and I still haven't said a word about it. He kept his word. He said he would always find me, and he did. That fear may never leave; voicing it only makes it more real.
The thoughts are a swirling tornado of anxiety, so I take a deep breath that is supposed to be steadying, but it's not. I cross my arms in front of my chest instead and let my nails dig into my skin. The pain helps me feel more grounded than the breathing, so I press a little harder. It hurts, but it helps settle me.
"Why am I so nervous?" I ask Sango, rubbing my hands on my skirt to try to dry the sweat that keeps forming on them. She takes my hand in hers and holds it tight despite the sweat.
"Because we haven't done this in a long time. If it gets to be too much, just let me or Inuyasha know, and we'll high-tail it out of there." She reassures me. I feel Inuyasha's hand cover the mark on my shoulder. I hadn't realized I was holding it to dull the pain.
"We've got you. The minute you're done, we'll go home." He says.
Home. This place used to be home, but now it's just another house I have no sentimentality for. Home feels like Inuyasha and Sango, and this complicated situation we've all been navigating. Home is lying in bed with Sango, watching a movie. Home is sitting in Inuyasha's art studio and watching him paint. Home is quiet mornings with mugs of hot coffee and mindless chatter. I'm not sure when it happened, but these two people by my side have become my home. The thought brings me some much-needed comfort as I step through the door with them right behind me.
Walking into the house gives me instant vertigo. I haven't been here for at least a year or two. Koga hated it when I would spend extended time with my family. For a long time, I wasn't even allowed to call my mom or my brothers. Reestablishing that relationship feels overwhelming and scary now. A huge part of me feels like I abandoned them, and maybe a little like they abandoned me.
I look around the entryway to see shoes piled up by the door. The rug in the hallway is the same as it's been since I could walk. The walls are the same beige that seems to get darker and darker with every year, and family photos are hung up all around us. The smell of cooked meat and vegetables floods the air, making my stomach turn. The thought of eating makes me want to throw up.
"We're here," Sango calls out to the house, and I hear a gasp from the kitchen.
My mother comes bolting out of the room and throws herself at me faster than I can perceive. I'm pushed backward and immediately feel Inuyasha steady both of us so I don't go tumbling to the ground. His hand doesn't leave my back, and I find myself thankful for the extra strength he is providing me, or this may be too much.
"My baby." My mom sobs into my shoulder, burying her face against me.
"Hi, Mom," I whisper back, wincing at how hard she's holding me. I'm still frail, and too much force feels like it will break me.
"Sis!" Sota yells from around the corner. "Is it really you, or am I dreaming?" he asks, his tone jovial as always. He comes up to hug me gently after my mom finally extricates herself from me.
"It's really me," I say through a tight smile. The guilt hangs so heavy in my chest that I almost feel like it's going to pull me through the floor.
"Come on, Mom. Don't cry. Let's just be happy today. We have a lot of time to make up for." He says, bumping our mom in the shoulder. I'm struck by how old he looks.
At this point, he is in his twenties, and he looks exactly like our dad does in all the old pictures. I embrace him, thankful for his motivation and care. He has always been so strong, even as the middle child in the family. He's the one with the cool head and reserved emotions. We share a hug, and it's probably the most intimate moment we have ever had together. It's funny how relationships grow and evolve over time. There was a point in life where I could have never imagined we would be here like this.
When I disconnect from Sota, I hear footsteps running down the stairs, and then Shippo runs through the hall to pull me into a bear hug. It's tight, and it hurts, but it also feels so familiar that the tears I was barely holding back start to fall out of my eyes. We don't exchange any words, just hold each other.
Seeing Shippo in front of me throws my brain back to a memory from at least a year ago. It feels like no time has passed since then, but it also feels like a whole lifetime ago when everything in my world was upside down.
My phone chimes from its place on my bedside table. Koga is still asleep, but I've been awake for a while, drowning in self-pity. Koga has been so angry lately, and I can't seem to do anything right anymore. I know it's me, and I know it's my fault. I just need to try to do better and be better, and then it'll be fine.
I look over at his sleeping form. He looks so peaceful like this. I can see the edge of his jaw and the muscles of his biceps from the way he's sleeping, and I find myself reminiscing. He has always been one of the most attractive people I've ever met. The fact that he ever took a chance on me is still wild. I was just a timid nobody with my nose shoved into a book, trying to get through my law program and build a better life for myself.
And there he was, a larger-than-life, mildly famous socialite with connections and money and, somehow, an interest in me. I followed him after college and got a job working for a small local company as their legal aid. It's not my dream job or anything, but it gives me some much-needed autonomy. If it were up to Koga, I'd be a housewife and eventually a stay-at-home mom, but I've been fighting that.
Despite my flexible schedule, there are still mandated days I have to be in the office, and today is one of them. Our VP is coming into town and wants to have an all-hands meeting with the whole team. I sigh in irritation as I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and pick up my phone.
Shippo [6:47 AM] Kagome! Kagome! Kagome!
Kagome [6:48 AM] Lol what's up?
Shippo [6:48 AM] Ur never gonna believe this.
Shippo [6:48 AM] Guess who just got a college acceptance letter!
Shippo [6:48 AM] This motherfucker!
Kagome [6:49 AM] OMG Shippo!
Kagome [6:49 AM] Where?
Kagome [6:49 AM] I'm so proud of you.
Kagome [6:49 AM] Holy Shit!
I send back responses like rapid fire. Mom took in Shippo when he was six after he was orphaned. He's been a part of our lives ever since, and we've always acted like one happy family. His demon blood was never a factor in the decision, and if anything, it pushed my mom even harder to adopt him. She always said that he deserved to have a family who loved him, and that was that. She is an incredible woman.
Shippo [6:50 AM] The community college I just toured.
Shippo [6:50 AM] They got back to me so fast.
Shippo [6:50 AM] Full ride for the whole thing, baby!
Shippo [6:50 AM] That's what community service and decent grades gets you.
Shippo [6:50 AM]: I'm so pumped!
He sends a GIF of a kid jumping up and down and attaches a picture of his acceptance letter. It's a local commuter college that he toured around a month ago. I wasn't able to go along, but he video-called me and sent tons of pictures. He has been adamant about staying with Mom and Grandpa for now and being in the house to help them out. Sota, however, has been away at college for the last two years. Time really flies.
Kagome [6:50 AM] I'm so proud of you. Dinner soon?
Shippo [6:50 AM] thumbs up emoji
Kagome [6:51 AM] I love you!
Shippo [6:51 AM] Love you too!
I giggle and bring my phone into the bathroom with me so I can shower. If Shippo has ever been good at one thing, it's being the biggest hype man. His energy can't help but infect everyone around him and get them on his level.
It is exactly the boost I needed for my morning. I connect my phone to our Bluetooth speaker and blast my Spotify playlist to help propel me forward. If I don't keep this energy going, then my walk to the office is going to be unpleasant.
I lather my loofah and gently rub it across my skin. I have a few bruises and marks, and the places where the skin is still open are especially tender. The soap stings, and I let out a hiss through my teeth as I work it over my body.
"Morning," Koga yells over the sound of my singing along.
"Good Morning!" I yell brightly over the water and music. I can hear him hovering around in the bathroom for a few minutes before he leaves.
He flushes the toilet on his way out, and a cold blast of water hits me. I shiver but don't complain. A few seconds of discomfort won't kill me, and it's not like he did it on purpose. I settle back into the warmth and sing along to the music, spinning in circles to wash away all of the foaming suds.
15 minutes later, I'm out of the shower and standing in front of my closet. I weigh the options between a dress and a suit, ultimately settling on the dress. People take women more seriously when they are wearing more traditional clothes. That's something Koga reminds me of often, plus he prefers when I wear dresses.
"So, who were you texting this morning?" I hear him ask from behind me. I still, racking my brain to find the reason for his dark tone. He sounds pissed.
"Just Shippo," I say with a smile. He got accepted into the college he toured recently. Isn't that great?" I hope my light tone conveys that this isn't a big deal. He glares back at me, unaffected by my attempt to diffuse the situation.
"Yeah. I read your messages." He stands very still in his spot by the door. I falter, my smile falling.
"Why were you looking through my phone-" He cuts me off by closing the distance between us.
"Because I obviously can't trust you! Why do you even care? If you didn't have anything to hide, then you wouldn't care if I looked anyway," he challenges, hot breath fanning over my face.
"Just because I want to have my privacy doesn't mean I have anything to hide. If you'd just asked me-"
"I shouldn't have to ask you, Kagome!" he yells, yoki flaring out at me. I can feel myself getting angry as my reiki flares right back. He backs down slightly at the power he feels.
"If that's how you feel, then how about you hand your fucking phone over? Let's see how you feel when I go through it." I yell back at him, letting my anger take control. My reiki explodes out of me, and I can feel it connect with his skin. He flinches back from the pain, and in reflex, his hand flies out and connects with the side of my face in a hard slap.
I can see the moment that I've made a huge mistake. I watch his eyes change, growing cold and distant with fury. He lunges for me and presses me against the wall by my throat, his arm covering my neck and chest, occluding my airway.
"Don't you fucking dare, Kagome." He warns. He's told me over and over to get a handle on my reiki, but when I get mad, it's so hard to control. "You wanna see 'privacy'? I'll lock you up in this fucking house and never let you leave if I want to. If I want to look through your phone, then I'll look through your phone. If I want you to get on your knees and beg for forgiveness, you know what you'll do?" He asks. He releases my throat and grabs me by my hair, pulling me down to the floor.
"Beg." He commands.
I don't look up at him. I don't beg. I can barely move. His foot lands against my stomach, and I double over, the wind knocked out of me. Another lands on the side of my head, and I lift my hand to cradle it. My eye throbs and burns. I can feel what is either blood or tears running down my face. I fall to the floor in a heap, clutching my face with a cry.
"Please, Koga." I whimper the words, begging him to stop. He chuckles, a dark, bitter sound that makes it feel like there's ice in my veins.
"Like I said." He emphasizes his point, and he's right. When he says jump, I say how high.
He walks away and slams the bedroom door, leaving me there to pick up the pieces. I lay on the floor for a while, still naked and damp from my shower. I can't feel anything though. It's like my brain has turned itself off. Powered down so it could reboot and try to salvage any amount of my mental stability that it could.
Five minutes pass, and I haven't moved.
Ten more, and I realize there's blood dripping down my arm where it's still cradling my face.
Five more minutes. I stand and numbly move to clean up the mess and throw on a T-shirt. I try to summon up some reiki to heal this a bit, but I can't. He beat it down to the point that I feel like I can't even grasp it anymore.
When he finally comes back about 20 minutes later, I'm curled up in our bed with butterfly bandages holding my skin together. I already texted my boss and used a sick day. He was upset, but when I explained that it was an emergency, he eased up a little.
This isn't the first emergency I've had like this. In fact, it's one in a streak of so many. Whenever Koga gets angry, he loses it, and usually, I'm the reason. It started with broken phones, holes in walls, and smashed plates. Then it moved to breaking my bones, lacerating my skin, and leaving bruises. Last time, I needed stitches, and he had to call his father to send over a private doctor to our place. I still remember the doctor's harsh words.
"Stupid human girl. This is what happens when you're with a wolf demon. Make him angry and risk your life. That's how it goes. You should be on your knees for him every night if it would keep him happy. Any demoness worth her salt would already know how to protect herself."
I wish I could forget them.
Now, Koga sits down next to me quietly, and I try not to flinch. He stares at the floor for a few moments before speaking.
"I didn't want to hurt you." He makes eye contact now and takes my hand in his. "You just made me so angry. But I'm sorry it came to that. Kagome. I've warned you that you can't use your reiki against me. It will only set me off." He explains. I nod in acceptance of his apology.
"I'm sorry I let my anger get the better of me," I respond robotically. He moves up the bed next to me and pulls me into his arms.
"I love you, you know," he reminds me as he kisses my hair. "That's why I get like this. I just can't bear the thought of losing you." I know he means it.
"I know. I love you too." A tear slips down my cheek.
When I come back to myself, I find that I'm sobbing in Shippo's arms. My head is pressed into the crook of his neck, and I'm holding him so tight that I'm amazed he can breathe.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." He's whispering to me over and over while he runs his fingers over my back in soothing circles.
Since when does my baby brother comfort me? I was always there with bandaids for scrapes, cuddles after bad dreams, and getting him off the school bus every day to hold his hand while we walked home. Now, he's comforting me in a way I never could have imagined. When the people you grew up with grow and change, you can't help but mourn the person they were in your memories. Sometimes, it feels like I'm grieving the life I had so many decades ago before things were so complicated.
When Shippo finally lets me go I look around to see that every single one of us is a mess of tears. Bloodshot eyes and sniffles coat the room, and I take that as my signal to correct the somber tone.
"Did Grandpa get out the dominos?" I ask, wiping my eyes and walking into the living room with a fake smile. Everyone follows behind, and we all quickly switch gears. Grandpa holds my hand for a moment as I pass by him on the couch. I lean down to hug him and kiss him on the cheek. Before I can stand fully, he whispers in my ear,
"Remember how strong you are, Kagome." These simple words remind me so much of my childhood. He always loved to remind me about where we came from in the world and the long line of women that thrived before me.
"Of course he did," Sota answers my previous question, interrupting my thoughts. "Have we ever had a gathering without dominos? Blasphemy," We all sit around the table in the living room and start a game while Mom pours cups of tea for everyone. The familiarity of being in my childhood house, playing dominoes with my brothers, heightens my memory of the past. I can almost feel the person I was hiding underneath the surface. She's too terrified to poke her head out, though.
I shake my head and try to push back the continuing onslaught of thoughts– will my brain ever shut up? I want to enjoy my time today. I want to fight for the moments I missed. I want to fight for the girl inside of me who wants to live her life in peace. With Inuyasha and Sango next to me, I feel like I can do this. I squeeze both of their hands before jumping into the game in front of me. I'm safe.
After a few rounds, Sakuya comes out to join us and usher us back toward the kitchen for food I can tell she's been slaving over. I give her a hug when I see her, and like nothing's ever changed, she says the same thing as always,
"Come, let's get some food into that skinny body of yours." She laughs and leads me toward the table. Mine and Sango's moms have been best friends ever since their partners passed decades ago. Since they were raising their kids alone so close together, we have always been more like one family than two. We spend holidays and birthdays together, and they've always spent as much time at our house as their own, and vice versa.
Kohaku fist-bumps me from where he's standing by the stove, clearly taking his role as sue chef very seriously. There are so many platters of food that I'm not sure we will have enough room to eat.
"Kagome, this is my girlfriend Rin," he introduces the girl who is standing next to him, and we share a smile.
"Good to meet you, Rin. I'm Kagome." I wave at her instead of offering a hand.
"Nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you." She gives me a pitying smile, and I want to sink through the floor for a moment before I collect myself. Of course, she knows about what's happened to me. Everyone in this house does. Everyone around me knows and puts on their kid gloves whenever they have to deal with me.
I take a seat at the table along with everyone else and stare out at the overabundance of food in front of me. It's a lot, and I can feel the panic setting in. Before I can think too long, Inuyasha has set a plate of food in front of me with the odds and ends he thinks I will be able to eat. I squeeze his hand gratefully after taking the plate and pick up a fork to pick around at things.
"What are you studying in school, Rin?" Sota asks as the gentle conversation starts to quiet.
"Oh, I'm majoring in botany with a biology minor. I want to be a plant researcher. There's a lot of technical stuff that goes into it, but that's the jist." She says cheerily, and that piques my interest.
"That's cool! Kagome is a huge plant person. I bet you guys would have that in common." He replies. I give a polite smile when I meet her eyes and nod in agreement.
"Rin, did you know that bonsai is a growing style of tree and not a breed? Kagome taught me that recently." Inuyasha says. Rin laughs in response.
"Yes, I did know that!" She says, looking at me with a nod. I give her a gentle smile, unsure what to say. "Are you growing any plants right now, Kagome?" She asks.
"Actually, I kind of am! Inuyasha and Sango surprised me with a greenhouse full of plants to care for." I say excitedly. I wrap Sango's hand in mine again, sending her a mental chorus of thanks. "It's the closest I've come to a garden since college."
"Garden?" Sango scoffs. "More like a forest! You should have seen our dorm room in college, Rin. There were more plants than furniture. And the humidity! This one just had to have the humidifier on all day for her tropical whositswhatsits."
"My Scheffleras needed humidity!" I enunciated the plant's name. "They're picky! And it's really hard to make them bloom indoors." I yelled back, sticking my tongue out at Sango.
"Did you get it to bloom?" Rin asked excitedly.
"They never really got the chance," I say, smiling sadly. "I miss those plants." The sadness really envelopes me then. Koga didn't want to keep them, so I rehomed them after I graduated. It was one of the hardest things to give up. "But, uh-" I quickly divert from the memory, "the greenhouse is amazing. I have a Wisteria Bonsai, which is one of my favorites, and a ton of other plants. I'm excited about the Calathea and the Japanese money tree." I explain.
Rin and I go on to trade plant stories while the rest of the group chats around us. Shippo, Kohaku, and Sota talk about school, Sukuya and Mama talk about the dumpling recipe, and Inuyasha and Sango make light conversation as others pull them in. Every time I glance back at one of them, they're watching me for any sign I may need to leave, making me their primary focus. Soon, Sango and Sota were washing and drying dishes while everyone sat around the table contentedly reminiscing. Mama laughs as she finishes a story,
"And she just had to have pink walls in her bedroom. I'll never get that color out of the carpet. We'll have to pull it up first." She snickered, and I rolled my eyes in response.
"The pink walls are great! I still stand by them," I say, but I don't have much conviction behind it. I'm fading fast, and the exhaustion is becoming too much.
"I just wish you'd stood by a tarp!" She counters. "Paint does not come out of carpet."
"You know, Kagome's bedroom hasn't changed a bit since she moved out. It's a perfect relic of who she was in high school," Sango says, a hint of teasing in her voice. She nudges Inuyasha a bit, and he jumps into action.
"It sure is! I refuse to touch it, paint stains and all." Mama agreed.
"That I have to see!" Inuyasha chimes in holding out a hand to me.
"So this is what little Kagome was into?" He joked, gesturing at the boy band poster on the wall.
I sit on the bed and take in the room around me. It hurts to be in here. It hurts to see this piece of me from a decade ago that has gotten to retain its innocence and personality. It didn't have to go through the things I did. It didn't have to lose parts of itself.
"I know that face. Talk to me." He said, sitting next to me on the bed.
"This room is a shrine to someone who doesn't exist anymore. To someone Koga killed." I respond, fingers toying with the pink bedspread beneath me. "It's hard seeing all of it and knowing that, you know? It's a reminder of everything I lost. Every plant, access to my powers, little quiet moments, a feeling of self-satisfaction, time with my family, time with my friends, a job I actually care about. Just- things I've enjoyed and loved and cared about, all taken away from me. And I never even put up a fight."
"But it's also a reminder of everything you've been through to get here. You did fight, and that's exactly why you're here right now. As much as it hurts, isn't it also proof that you did it?" he asks.
"Ugh." I huff and fall back into the pillows. He follows, settling behind me and tucking me into his arms.
"You're not alone anymore, bonsai. You don't have to face this alone, and you have help to regain what you lost. What do you want most in the world right now?"
"Is it dumb if have no idea?"
"Of course not!" He laughs, squeezing my middle. "We'll just have to figure it out together, yeah?"
"What do you want most in the world, Inuyasha?" I ask, and I feel him still behind me.
"Honestly? I want you and Sango to be happy. The two of you have taken up so much space in my brain lately. I just have this drive to do whatever I can to protect you," he admits, and as I spin around in the bed toward him, I see a flush on his cheeks.
"What'd we do to deserve you?" I ask, shocked by his revelation. Of anything in the world, he wants our happiness? That can't be right.
"You were you. Simple as that." He shrugs. I rest my head against his chest and feel him kiss the top of my head.
"You and Sango are really great together," I say, and his smile is so bright it feels like it might blind me.
"Me and Sango have always made sense. I just hate that it took me so long to see it."
"I get it. Blinded by love with someone toxic, right? Been there, done that."
"Ha. That's fair." He agrees.
"I don't think I'll ever find that again. Love, I mean. It's just not for me, not after everything I've been through. But, I like watching you two be happy together." I admit.
"What about it's not for you?"
"Giving up everything you are for someone else, trusting them with your life and your safety—I just can't do that again." I shiver at the prospect.
"Kagome. You shouldn't have to give up everything you are for someone else. If anything, they should make you better and stronger. They should support and care for you and prove that they love you. You should feel safe and happy with your person, not scared and fighting for yourself." My eyebrows furrow. It seems so obvious when he says it like that.
"But no one really has that, right?" I question, feeling like he's speaking in empty platitudes.
"If you'd asked me a few weeks ago, I would have said no. I've never had that before now, but Sango and I are so different. She really sees me, and I like to think I see her, too. Relationships are always hard work, but they don't have to hurt and take. At least, that's what I'm starting to believe."
"Hmm." I hum, turning his words over in my head.
Bitterness swells in my chest because I believe him. I've seen how much they care about each other, and they make sense. But where does that leave me? Eventually, I'll be alone. The third wheel on their bicycle that just gets in the way. The only two people I feel could maybe fill the hole in my chest have each other. So, am I really not alone?
"I know what I want most in the world," I say.
"What's that?"
"Let's just pretend that little Kagome never died. I want to feel pure, unbridled joy for just a few minutes." I say softly.
"You two about ready to go?" Sango asks from the doorway, startling us both. I reach out to her, and when her hand touches mine, I pull her down into the tiny bed with us.
"Soon," I say, holding her tight and letting myself really feel the emotions this closeness brings me. I can't name them, but I can let them fill me up. Laying here, curled up between them, the world feels so much brighter. But, it's all just pretend in the end. By the time we're on our way back home, I can feel the crushing weight of reality come spiraling back.