Camelot
August, 507 AD
[warnings: mentions of self-harm, death, mental illness]
When we arrived back at the castle in the early hours of the morning, just before sunrise, I followed Arthur to his room while Merlin took Elyan to Gaius. As exhausted as I was, both emotionally and physically; I wanted to make sure that the King was all right. And, also, to let him know that I'm super proud of him for the way in which he dealt with the spirit.
He barely glanced at me out of the corner of his eye as I closed the door behind me. His hands trembled as he began to take off his chainmail. Noticing that he was having trouble, I moved to help him undo the buckle of the belt that holds the garment to his body. He seemed surprised by my actions as his eyes widened, finally landing on my figure, but he said nothing as I finished the quick task. I stepped back and allowed him to completely take off the uncomfortable metal piece.
Arthur tossed the chainmail almost carelessly onto a chair. He let out a shaky breath before turning his head towards me and our eyes connected at last. I noticed that his were still reddened from how much he cried during the night and my heart clenched once more.
"I am so sorry, Astra," he said in a low tone.
I recoiled a little bit and frowned. Last I checked, the spirit was the one who had been wronged and that was forgiven not two hours ago. "For what?" I asked.
He gulped and dropped his eyes to the floor again as he whispered, "For not being the person you thought I was."
The words felt like a bowling ball to the gut, knocking the air out of my lungs and crushing my heart. I took a cautious step towards him again. His hands were still shaking, so I tried slowly reaching for one. He didn't make any reciprocal moves, but he didn't back away either. He just kept his tsunami-ridden gaze on the ground as my fingers gently brushed against his, then I ventured to fully grab his hand, turning him with a gentle tug so that he would face me.
His bottom lip began to quiver – a barely noticeable motion I wouldn't have caught had I been a metre further away.
"How can you even look at me right now?" he breathed out as his eyes glazed over, making contact with mine once more.
Oh. I understand what's wrong now.
"'Cause it wasn't your fault, Artie," I replied softly. "Your men didn't listen, that's on them. They're the only ones to blame."
A single rogue tear streamed down his cheek and I gently reached up to wipe it with my free hand. He leaned into my touch, closing his eyes as he let out a heavy exhale. "I could have stopped them."
"You said it yourself, it all happened quickly," I offered some reasoning. "The swords were probably slashing faster than you could ever get a word out."
At that, he broke down in soft whimpers once more and I quickly wrapped my arms around his waist.
I once again found myself wanting to be a vacuum for emotions. I'd absorb the entirety of hell into my being if it meant ensuring that he never ever feels a single ounce of pain again. If I could have one superpower, that'd be it without a doubt.
A bit of relief flashed in me when he returned the embrace, burying his face in the crook of my neck. It wasn't long before some dampness began to seep through the cotton fabric of my hoodie and I tightened my grip on him while trying hard not to break down along with him.
He needs me to be strong.
"I am sorry, Astra," he repeated.
"Stop," I scolded and I turned my head slightly so that I could kiss the side of his. "You have nothing to apologise for."
He pushed back slightly and looked me in the eyes again. "You deserve so much better."
I couldn't help but scoff, then I slid my hands up to his shoulders, holding them firmly. "There is no one better," I told him sternly, raising my voice slightly. "Not for me, anyway. You're so much more than I could've ever prayed for." He seemed to disagree as his jaw clenched. "You're nothing if not good." He shook his head and dropped his gaze once more. "And if you don't believe it, then I guess I'll have to believe enough for the both of us."
Arthur huffed as he moved away from me again and he began to pace while nibbling on his thumbnail. I bit down hard on my bottom lip and fisted my hands, feeling frustrated that I don't seem to be helping him feel better at all.
"Can you not understand how much blood I have caused to spill in my past?! How much darkness there is?!" he blurted out.
"It wasn't you!" I repeated. "And I don't care about anything you may have done before! All that matters is who you are here and now." Only the Lord knows that I've spilled my fair share of blood, in a sense. "Arthur – you have no idea of how much I adore you!" I continued. "Dark past and all." He let out another shaky breath as he stopped his restless movement and turned to look at me again. "Besides, you're not the only one with dark secrets, y'know?" I added in a whisper.
"What are you talking about, Astraea?" he asked, his voice just as low as mine.
I froze and blinked rapidly for a few seconds.
Crap. I dug my own hole, didn't I?
I bit my lip again for a moment and rolled my shoulders backwards, suddenly feeling really awkward. I fear I see but one path ahead: deflect with humour. "Want the quick list or the whole wiki?" I asked with a raised eyebrow and forced a giggle at my terrible attempt at a joke.
His serious reply rendered me speechless – "I want everything."
Well, obviously I can't give him everything. If I tell him about my futuristic origins, I could lose him. And my life. I'd be stupid to reveal that. However, there are bits and pieces I could lay down for him if I dare. If he truly wants to know, then I owe him at least that – don't I? I mean, if I wanna marry him, there are things that will inevitably become exposed before long... And I'd rather that not take place during certain moments.
I can't hide from him forever...
Or can I?
"You sure you want me to dump that heavy truckload on ya'?" I questioned in a last attempt to deflect. "You had a pretty rough night," I added as I glanced over at the window, noticing that the sky had transitioned from black to orange and that the sun was beginning to peek out from behind the mountains in the far distance.
"It only seems fair that I also get to adore you, dark past and all," he responded in a whisper.
A wild fire, and an out-of-control circus, and a tornado, and an earthquake and... you get the gist; erupted in my nervous system. And my heart. And my stomach. And everywhere. The flames blazed through my veins as lions and zebras and elephants ran along with them, egged on by strong winds and collapsing walls.
I guess I'm not getting out of this one, then.
His curious gaze stayed on me as I let out a shaky breath and moved to sit on his bed, my leg instantly starting to bounce restlessly as I tried to think of how to start. At the beginning, I suppose. But am I strong enough to speak about it without breaking down sobbing like a toddler?
My mind became fogged with flashing images of fire, smoke, and blood splatters before I could even open my mouth; and my heart raced as the memories kept pouring out of the dam I've worked so hard to keep contained; and shivers ran down my spine continuously.
The mattress shifted beside me and I looked up to find Arthur watching me intently, a small glint in his troubled eyes. He needs to know he's not alone in the way he's feeling, I guess. So screw my stupid doubts about myself. He matters more.
I shrugged off my black bomber jacket and threw it to the side before taking a deep breath.
"Well, as you know, my parents died when I was three..." I began and paused to swallow a thick lump in my throat. Arthur reached for one of my clenching fists, easing my muscles with his soft touch before he slipped his hand into mine and intertwined our fingers. I immediately gave him a gentle squeeze. "Car crash..." I added with a nodding motion as the convoluted memories from that night continued to flood my mind, "…and I was with 'em."
I glanced up at the King and, with another shaky exhale, I let go of his hand and took off my hoodie. He seemed fairly confused at my actions.
My fingers lingered on the hem of my base-layer as I thought through what I'm about to show him once more. I can still back out. I can still spare him the horror of seeing the scar. What if he doesn't look at me the same way afterwards? I glanced up at him again. His gaze was gentle... Loving, I dare even say. A wave of calmness hit me and I pushed back on my fears.
In a swift motion, I lifted my shirt to reveal my abdomen.
Arthur's eyes jumped out as they instantly travelled downwards, his lips parting. I looked away from him and clenched my jaw as I tried to will the tears pooling in my eyes to stay in place.
I shivered when I felt a ghostly touch brushing over the big, angry scar. My gaze shot downwards to find Arthur's thumb gently tracing it and my breath hitched in my throat as my eyes widened.
He doesn't seem repelled by the sight at all.
"What happened?" he asked in a whisper as he let his hand drop and his eyes returned to mine.
I let my shirt back down and released a shaky breath.
"I don't remember much. I know that I somehow got trapped under part of the door and that's what caused the gash," I explained. I do remember fire, and smoke, and pain, and blood, and flashing lights, and feeling like I couldn't breathe... But I don't think those details are relevant.
He nodded in understanding and placed a hand on my leg, just above my knee, forcing it to stop moving restlessly. I covered his hand with one of mine and began to trace my thumb over his knuckles.
"Anyway, I went to live with my Uncle and Aunt a-after that a-and…" I paused to take a deep breath as my voice began to quiver. "I-I mean, they were great. They did their best. But it was still hard, and then things just got worse and worse as I got older." My grip on his hand tightened. "I hardly slept 'cause I had nightmares, I never really had any friends, school was hell, and then..." I trailed off with a puff and dropped my head.
Here it is. One last chance to back down before the big reveal that will surely petrify the amazing man beside me.
"Fork," I said under my breath and used the sleeve of my base-layer to try to get rid of the couple of tears that had escaped my eyes.
Arthur snatched that hand as well and he gently turned me slightly sideways so that I was facing him fully. "You can tell me, Astra. Please trust me."
I nodded. Well, he asked for it. If it freaks him out, it'll be on him.
The story continued in a fast-paced manner, lest I chicken out. "Then my dad's mare died when I was thirteen, and it was kinda like a catalyst to where I almost lost the will to, y'know, be here. I hated myself for being so maladapted and closed off. I had no motivation, no purpose, and felt like I didn't have anyone to turn to. I didn't want to burden my family, 'cause they were already having to take care of a child that wasn't theirs…" I gulped to push back on the anxiety that was rising in me as I continued to let the walls tumble down. "I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I guess."
"Astra..." Arthur whispered softly as he brought a hand up to my cheek and gently wiped the tears from it.
I squeezed my eyes shut and leaned into his touch as if it could magically pass on some courage. Courage I will need if I am going to reveal my biggest, darkest secret against my mind's pleads to just run away. But I could never run away from Arthur.
I took in a deep breath so as to collect myself and then I let my eyes open again. They instantly connected with the King's gentle ones. I prayed they would remain that way as I entered the final stretch.
"So, uh," I gulped again, "I found an unhealthy way to deal with the anger and the pain… And punish myself, too, in a way, I suppose."
Time to rip off the band-aid.
I didn't give myself a chance to hesitate before I quickly let go of Arthur's hands and rolled up my sleeves as far up as they could go. Then I turned the insides of my arms upwards, exposing the vast rugged valleys of lines of raised skin that clutter them. Some marks are more faded, some are longer and thicker, and some are an angrier colour than others...
A soft gasp escaped Arthur's lips as he gently grabbed one of my forearms, holding it in place as his eyes trailed the scars, seemingly stopping at each and every one. I remained still, barely breathing, as I allowed him to do whatever he needed to do to process things. Once he was done inspecting the first arm, he slowly set it down and grabbed the other one, repeating the process. His thumb brushed over an especially long and nasty ridge – the remainder of the day when I almost did end it all – and a slight frown appeared on his features.
My heart accelerated when he lifted my arm slightly and leaned down to place a soft kiss over that particular mark. My stomach fluttered and I breathed out a faint chuckle full of disbelief.
His eyes travelled to mine as he slowly let my arm down. I quickly rolled the sleeves back down, not looking away from his enchanting blue irises. I felt stupefied by the fact that he didn't seem disgusted or horrified at all.
"How did you turn it around?" he inquired softly.
I puffed. "Well, a pandemic hit the US, and suddenly I didn't have to go to school for an entire year... That helped a lot. And it gave me a lot of extra time I could spend with Dallas." I smiled a little at the fond memories of the Thoroughbred and I spending countless hours together, simply enjoying each other's company. "I put a lot of work into him. Then, as the virus eased up, we got back into competing and he... he gave his all every time. In my mind, it's as if he was trying to show me that there were things worth living for. If not for myself, then for us. The idea that we could face the world together and beat it..."
Arthur grinned a little as I let out a shaky breath.
"I went back to school after a year, and it still sucked, but Dal was enough motivation for me to power through it. I even managed to stand up against the bullies," I continued, my tongue suddenly loose and eager to share as I got to the part about the wild miracle that completely turned my life around. "And then some crazy things happened, and I ended up lost in the middle of nowhere, and then I met Merls, and then we came to Camelot." I giggled at the recollection. "I-I had thought that Dallas was the light at the end of the tunnel. It turns out, he was just carrying me to it. Literally."
Arthur let himself smile fully and my heart warmed as I let out another sigh, growing a little exhausted from talking. But I still need to make one final point, which is the point of revealing all of this, so I kept going.
"You're the light at the end of the tunnel, Artie," I stated while looking straight into his eyes, silently begging him to believe me. "Well, you, and this whole place, and the guys... but you get what I'm saying." He swallowed thickly. "So when I tell you that you're everything and more than I could've ever asked for, you take it and accept it... P-please don't push me away." His eyes glazed over again. "'Cause… when I'm with you, I know that every bit of pain was worth it. A-and I would go through all of it again as long as the road keeps leading to you."
Tears started to pour out of his eyes and he pulled me onto his lap and against his chest, holding me tightly as his body trembled again.
Fork, I think I broke him. Maybe I should've taken Dean Winchester's advice and skipped the 'chick-flick moment'.
I held onto him just as tightly as his face found the crook of my neck once more and I lifted a hand to his hair, running my fingers through it as I always do. He began taking deep breaths – in an attempt to collect himself, I assume. And I felt a big weight being unloaded from my back. Like a cargo mule who's finally being given a retirement after being exploited for a decade.
He placed a soft kiss on my uncovered skin – causing a tingle to run up my spine – and then he pulled slightly backwards, connecting our eyes again. "Thank you for telling me, Astra," he whispered. "I am sorry that I tried to push you away."
"Thank you for listening," I replied with a slight shrug and a small grin. "I'm sorry to tell you this, Artie, but you're stuck with me."
His soft lips were suddenly on mine, dancing fervently as one of his hands found the back of my neck, keeping me in place (not that I was going anywhere). His other arm wrapped around my waist, pulling me tighter against him as he deepened the kiss by gently flicking his tongue against my bottom lip.
My soul felt like it was on fire. Only, not a destructive fire, but a vibrant one that works to keep a person alive even in the coldest of hours.
Our foreheads rested against each other when we pulled away, breathing heavily from the hindered oxygen intake.
"I don't wanna wait anymore," I blurted out.
Arthur seemed taken aback as he straightened up and frowned slightly.
"I wanna marry you. I'm ready."
Quick disclaimer – I'm not trying to romanticise mental illness in any way, and I really hope it didn't come off that way. I'm a survivor myself. I'm always available for anyone who might need someone to talk to 3