AUTHOR'S NOTE

Hello hello,

I'm back again. I know, I surprise me too.

This story is somewhat of a passion project I'm working on. I only have chapter one done as of publication of this, but I've got a summary of events for the next 3-4 chapters. Usually I don't release chapter-based stories until I'm mostly done with them because otherwise they end up abandoned with 1-2 chapters finished but... Honestly, this fic can stand alone at any stopping point, simply because of the fact that it follows the main storyline of the canon game.

With that in mind, that does mean that sometimes a chapter may have direct quoted dialogue from the game to a T - it will only branch off with either before the conversation, after, or both. It is a limited third person perspective of the story from Anya's perspective.

I am not giving any guesses on when I'll update or how fast that may occur, as that may slow me down. Instead, I'm hoping user feedback may help motivate me to keep writing as things get to a more dragging point - I'm not going to lie, I'm not looking forward to after the crash scenes. I'm planning on being a bit more liberal with time jumping during that time... but so was Wrong Organ so it's fine lol

Anyway, I hope that you all enjoy this story and what I've made of it so far. I've really enjoyed writing it so far and I can't wait to see what readers have to say.

Thanks for reading!

Oktavia

PS - Yes, the title of the fic and subsequent chapter names are based on Halsey's song Life of the Spider (Draft). Thank you for noticing. I felt that the lyrics of that track captured the relationship between Anya and Jimmy quite strikingly and wanted to convey that where I could. Since I've had a streak of naming fics after songs and chapters after lyrics, I thought I would go ahead and keep that trend going. If you don't know the song, I highly advise looking it up. It's a wonderful track.

PPS - I'm sure some of you have noticed, but I will cross post fics from ArchiveOfOurOwn on here, which is what I'm doing with this fic. I usually don't do a lot of editing in general, but especially on the FFN version of fics because I never come back and reread these versions. So if there are errors, I am sorry but I probably won't be fixing it anytime soon. Anyway, thank you for reading 3

Everything felt so real as it played back in her head.

The way his callused hands held down her shoulders, the feeling of his breath against her neck as he whispered in her ear that he'd hurt her if she screamed, the suffocating weight of his body on top of her, the pain of his—

Anya shook her head as she stared at the ceiling of her barracks. She really struggled to stay in that room after that first time. Her fears were only confirmed and drilled into her harder than he had that she would never be safe in that bed after the second, third, and fourth time. Every single night, she laid awake in fear of the sound of her door opening.

After her flashbacks left her almost numb to the idea of another attack, Anya eventually found herself waking up the next morning with no recollection of when she had drifted to sleep the night before. It wasn't a restful sleep; it never was anymore. Despite her mind giving into the exhaustion, her body stayed tense through the night in preparation for what she'd come to accept as the inevitable. As long as she was in that room, it was going to keep happening.

Every time it happened came with a risk that Anya preferred to pretend wasn't there. A life-changing risk that Anya feared more than death itself — not because of her own feelings so much as his reaction to if that risk was realised.

Letting out a groan as she pushed herself up into a sitting position, Anya stretched a little and ignored how stiff she had become. Since the first time, she's neglected to do much in the way of take care of herself. The morning after he came into her room for the first time, Anya had scrubbed herself so hard in the shower she skinned herself in places, just trying to feel some semblance of clean. Besides the showers that often led to self harm in the way of rubbing her skin raw until she had bloody patches on her arms and legs, she hadn't been doing much else to take care of herself.

Anya used to love to run. It built up her adrenaline and gave her a buzz that helped her feel better about just about anything. But she had been too sore the morning after the first time, and that set a precedent for her reactions then on out. Because she hadn't been running or maybe her fear, possibly both, Anya woke every morning stiff and sore. It wasn't pleasant but she couldn't pull herself out of the pit she'd found herself in, so she did nothing to change her achy muscles.

Dragging herself through a morning routine was a daunting task, but if she wanted to feel human and face the rest of the crew (which included him) she needed to at least brush her teeth, wash her face, and brush her hair. Makeup was out of the question and she didn't have the drive to try and do anything with her layered mop of black hair.

The lounge was already lively with everyone else, the smell of vending machine meals filling up the kitchen area. Anya couldn't help but take inventory of where everyone was, just so she could feel a fraction of security.

Captain Curly was standing behind the bar in the kitchen, fiddling with who-knows-what as he chatted with Swansea, who was seeming to be helping with whatever predicament was happening in there. Daisuke was trying to watch over the men's shoulders but they were too immersed to actually be teaching the boy any actual mechanical skill in that moment. Then him… Jimmy… He was sitting at the table, eating on some scrambled eggs and bacon, looking as blasé as ever.

Once she finished looking everything over, she quietly pulled out a chair at the table. Her back was straight, rigid in discomfort as she sat adjacent to Jimmy as he ate. She didn't have the drive to go socialise with the three men who looked focused and already crowded enough in such a small kitchen area.

As to not seem too off from her usual demeanour, Anya spoke in a voice that came out much more quiet and shaky than she had intended. "G-good morning, Jimmy."

"You too, Anya." Jimmy replied nonchalantly, as if he didn't have any weight of sin on his shoulders. She guessed that she would just have to bear enough for the both of them.

Instead of trying to carry a conversation, Anya's dark eyes dropped to the table for a long moment before she spoke again. "Excuse me." She murmured before pushing herself out of her seat. Sitting so close to him had been suffocating, a feeling of dread filling up her trunk and making her want to puke.

The way Anya let herself out of the lounge to go to the adjunct bathroom by medical was dramatic enough that all the guys had noticed it, all three men looking to Jimmy for an explanation.

She could hear them from the bathroom as her knees hit the floor in front of the toilet, the walls feeling paper thin in most of the cruiser.

"What's up with her?" Swansea asked.

"I don't know. She just sat down, said good morning, then got up in a hurry." He said.

"You didn't say anything weird to her, did you, Jim?" Curly inquired.

Anya's breath hitched in her throat, the nausea coming in another wave. "Make a peep and I'll kill you. Medical's a dangerous room, don't you think? I'll make sure it looks just like you killed yourself if you say a word or try to scream." He'd said to her the first night. She could still hear his whisper in her ear. Her body tensed as her mind reminded her of the sensation of him inside of her and the look in his eyes as he came inside raw. Another gag shook through her despite nothing to throw up.

"No, why would I do that?" He said, — Lying through his teeth. Anya mentally noted as she coughed over the toilet again.

"Should I go check on her?" Daisuke chimed in.

Anya spit into the toilet bowl before grabbing some toilet paper to wipe her face with, trying to clean up the tears and snot that got all over her face. She didn't realise she'd even started silently sobbing until she tried to clean herself up but couldn't get herself to stop crying long enough for such a thing.

Face still a mess with tears and hands shaking, Anya jumped at the knock on the bathroom door.

"Hey, Anya. You okay in there?" It was Daisuke who called out.

Anya took a breath to try to calm herself enough to speak without sounding like she had been crying. "Oh, uhh, yes. I'm fine." Her voice didn't sound convincing, even to her own ears.

"You sound, like, upset." He observed.

Anya tried to listen closely to figure out if the others had followed Daisuke or not but she couldn't hear anyone else. "No, I'm not upset. I just… ch-choked on a bit of water is all." She was scared to open the door and see him.

Daisuke strummed on the door a little. "Okay. I'll let the guys know. Want me to get you a breakfast plate ready for whenever you're done in there?"

She was the furthest from hungry physically possible at the moment, but she also didn't want them to worry or suspect anything. Anya also knew they were on limited food supplies so she didn't want to needlessly waste any (even if they had plenty planned out for the rest of the voyage). "Maybe just a… a half plate will do."

"You betcha." Daisuke said, and Anya could just imagine him giving the door a finger gun or something along those lines.

"Thank you." Anya said, having to fight back her tears yet again. Before everything that happened, she would have said that this was the best job she'd ever gotten. Captain Curly was a loyal, responsible man who knew when to be a boss and when to be a friend. Swansea was a grouch but Anya was pretty sure at least half of that was an act he put on to seem tougher than he was, as he was also passionate, caring, and dedicated to his craft. Daisuke was more laid back and carefree; he'd been a good balance to their crew. Jimmy… She and Jimmy never really got along. They'd gotten off on the wrong foot it seemed from the very beginning. He hated the psych evaluations that needed done every quarter, never taking them seriously. He always questioned her qualifications. Until he had attacked her in her room that first time, Anya had been sure that there was some way they could mend that twisted wire.

Just thinking about how she'd naïvely thought that she could somehow win Jimmy over, just show him that she wasn't as inept as he acted like she was, made her feel like an idiot.

She pulled herself up off of her knees, wiping her face down one more time as she gave herself an internal pep talk. 'He can't do anything in front of everyone. When it's all of us, I'm safe. I'm safe. He can't hurt me right now.' Anya repeated those sentiments to herself as she flushed the commode and glanced at herself in the mirror. She looked like she'd been crying but there was little she could do to change that.

Anya held her breath as she exited the bathroom and made her way back to the lounge. Her footsteps sounded loud on the grate-style floor.

"Everything alright?" Captain asked her, giving her a concerned expression as he looked her over the moment she stepped into the threshold of the lounge area.

'Keep up the lie. Everything's fine.' Anya gave Curly a small smile and nodded. "Yeah, I'm okay. I just choked on a little water, but I'm alright now." The lie felt heavy on her tongue.

Curly gave her a small nod, but also looked over her face one more time. "If you say so."

Anya felt like Captain wanted to say more but held his tongue, which she was beyond grateful for. The last thing she wanted was for more attention to be drawn to her in that moment.

"Yo, I prepped that plate for you." Daisuke said with a small grin on his face. "I wasn't sure which jelly you wanted with your toast so I got you all of 'em."

"Thank you, Daisuke." Anya said, ducking her head a little as she walked up to the table. He was still sitting in the same chair, eyes on her as she sat down in front of the plate that had been prepared for her. Anya tried to ignore the holes being drilled into her by Jimmy's piercing gaze.

"No prob, Bob." Daisuke replied as he sat down at the table as well.

Anya picked up her fork and kept her eyes trained on her plate as she slowly picked up a couple of pieces of egg. The nausea she felt had come back full force. Her heart felt like it might climb right out of her mouth. Her hands were shaking enough that the fork clinked against the plate outside of her control more than once.

Others in the room got back to their food or tasks. Swansea had stayed quiet but had been watching the whole ordeal from behind the bar. Anya was appreciative that he didn't add anymore pressure onto her in that moment.

While she felt sick, Anya didn't want that to be anyone else's issue so she sat at the dining table and slowly picked at her eggs. She made it appear as though she was eating, even if she had managed to get two good bites down. She spread a grape jelly packet onto the one piece of toast, tore the limp bacon slices into dozens of small pieces, and stirred the eggs around her plate over and over. She just didn't feel hungry and having Jimmy watching her (or at least, she felt like he was watching her) didn't help that feeling one bit.

Once it had been a little bit, she decided to move from the table. Maybe if she got a breath of fresh air down by the faux morning sun, she'd feel a little better. Anya gathered her plate and moved down to the rec area of the lounge without a word. It was immediately more inviting just because she couldn't see him from down there, even though they were still in the same room. Jimmy and Captain Curly were the only two still in the lounge for the time being. Despite her hopes that it would, moving away from him didn't welcome her appetite.

No matter how much she stared at the plate of food, she really just couldn't get her body to want it. Letting out a quiet sigh, Anya picked up whatever book was left on the coffee table. She scanned the cover. It was one of Daisuke's comics, but it would do. She felt like she needed something to do with her hands, even if she wasn't actually planning on reading much. Her mind was too jumbled that morning to really read - even something like a comic.

Whether she had been sitting there for minutes or hours, Anya wasn't entirely sure. Her eyes ended up wandering up to the digital window, studying the sight for who knows how long. She even managed to find a dead pixel up in the top right corner.

As she stared at the screen, she thought about so many different things: her future, the current circumstances, her possible employment plans once this embarkment was over, her safety. It was like her mind was racing so much that she couldn't find the will to even move from the position she'd settled in on the couch. Her limbs felt like iron, and her head felt like a hot air balloon. What she was supposed to do? What could she do?

"Hey." The sound of a voice drew her out of her head, her eyes moving from the screen to source - Captain Curly.

Anya forced herself to shift, despite how much her joints felt like they were cemented into place. "Hi, Captain." She said, her voice coming out softer than she wanted it to. She briefly wondered if that was just how she sounded now.

Curly came down the steps and leaned again the wall by the couch. "You never ate your breakfast."

So she didn't. "I guess I'm just not very hungry today." Anya replied with a small shrug.

"Did something happen?" The inquiry sat with Anya in a way that she didn't like. But Curly was the captain for a reason.

"Oh... Ah, no." Anya replied, realising just how uncertain that really sounded. Was he still even in the lounge? No matter, if she was going to keep sweeping this under the rug, she really needed to get better at lying.

"Hmm." He looked up at the screen before letting out a small sigh. "If you say so." He repeated the same thing he'd said earlier when asking if everything was alright.

She could tell that he knew that she was not being truthful. But that's just how it was. Or... how it had to be. "Make a peep and I'll kill you." The words played in her head again. There was no way she could say anything to Captain, no matter how much she wanted to. "Yeah, I'm fine. Maybe just a little under the weather."

Curly nodded, even though he looked unconvinced. "Well, just take care of yourself. Can't have our nurse getting sick. Who'd take care of you?" He let out a small chuckle, as if he was trying to lighten the mood.

Anya gave him a small smile. "I guess you guys would have to learn a thing or two." A semblance of normal; This moment felt like a semblance of normal.

"At least you have plenty of books that would help us out. But hopeful it won't come to that. I have no bedside manner." Curly joked, seeing that he was helping, even if he didn't know what had been weighing on her in the first place.

"That's not true. You probably have the best bedside manner of all of us, Captain." Anya replied, nodding a little at her thought.

"No, that's definitely you." Curly said, "No matter, you should just take care of yourself now so one of us doesn't have to figure out how to play doctor for you. I wouldn't want you to get subpar care. You see these hands? Definitely not nursing hands." He joked, holding up his palms to show his workwarn skin.

Anya gave him another small smile. "I'll try my best. But... maybe I should teach you all some basic first aid just in case." The thought came out of her mouth before she even thought about it. Teaching everyone first aid would obviously include him, whom she wanted anything but to be interacting with like that.

Curly nodded, "It'd probably do us burly men some good." With those words, he stopped leaning against the wall and started to the stairs again. "I have some things I need to go take care of, but... Just remember to take care of yourself, okay, Anya?"

The tone shift reminded her of her sorrow. Attempting to ignore the weight on her chest, Anya nodded, "Yes, Captain, of course."

Curly gave her a nod before he started out of the lounge.

Once she was alone again, Anya pulled her legs up onto the couch and turned to stare at the screen again. She really needed to be careful. While Captain was observant, it was only a matter of time before the others started noticing just how off she was. If she were being honest with herself, Swansea had probably noticed she was not like her usual self weeks ago before it had even gotten that bad but had just not said anything. He didn't usually get his nose in others' business unless he felt he needed to be there, so she doubted he would actually ask her about it directly — unless she kept spiraling like she was these last couple of days.

Anya knew she needed to eat. She knew she needed sleep. She needed basic human necessities. They were just so hard to meet when she felt like static.

Despite the fact that studying the digital sky with such intent was making her head hurt, Anya refused to look away. This task of memorising every single pixel on the screen was distracting enough from the dark thoughts and flashbacks she was dealing with that she didn't want to stop. However, when she heard one of the doors open to the lounge, she unintentionally went tense and snapped her head around to look at the door that wasn't even in her line of sight. Interesting that the door opening when Captain and presumable Jimmy left didn't make her jump the same way.

It was a relief the door wasn't visible from where she was seated because the last thing she needed was to look like a deer caught in headlights at nothing more than the sound of a door. Anya knew she was acting weird enough as it were, no one needed to see her do anything else offbeat.

To try and calm her heart, which was beating out of her chest, Anya let out a slow breath and put her feet on the floor. She really needed to get a grip. Just a few days ago she was so much better — before the fourth time. She assumed it was the fourth time that caused this, but she had noticed her emotions being all over the place in general even before the most recent time.

Based on the twilight on the screen, it was probably around dinner time. With that in mind, Anya couldn't have guessed who came into the lounge. Instead of letting her anxiety freak her out further, she pushed herself off of the couch.

"Oh, hey, Anya!" Daisuke said, sounding a little startled that she'd popped up from the rec area couch. "You're still in here? D'you go anywhere else today?"

Anya looked down at her even more unappetising plate of breakfast food before speaking. "No, I was in here reading most of the day." More lies to stack on top of the lies.

Daisuke nodded a little as he put in the code for water from the ingredient maker. "Right on. Wanna go for a round of Othello? Give your mind a little break."

While playing games with Daisuke sounded fun, she wasn't sure how much fun she might actually be in that moment. "I… I think I'll pass. I was actually about to go retire for the night. My head is killing me."

"It's all that reading. Swansea doesn't believe me but looking at words so long can really make your brain like, just feel like jello sometimes." Daisuke commented as he reached into one of the overhead cabinets to get a can of soup.

Of course Daisuke felt that way. It reminded Anya just how much of a kid he really was. "Yeah, I guess you're right. I've just been… under the weather today though." She shared as she grabbed her breakfast plate to throw the old food in the waste bin. "Here." As she climbed the steps back into the main area of the lounge, she offered Daisuke the packages of jelly that he had put on her plate that morning. There were places to put them to store them for future use but Anya was fully aware that Daisuke was a glutton for sweets and access was scarce. "As a thanks for getting me breakfast this morning."

Daisuke looked at her with a surprised expression before grinning and abandoning his soup on the bar to gather the jelly from Anya. "Wow, thanks! But… you barely even touched your breakfast. Have you had any grub today?"

She shrugged, "Like I said, I'm a little under the weather. I'm sure I'll be just fine in the morning." After stating that, she patted the back of his shoulder with her free hand, "Now hurry up and go hide those in your room before Swansea sees."

"Yes, ma'am. Don't have to tell me twice." Daisuke said, starting to the door on the other side of the lounge from the kitchen area. Right as he went to slide the hydraulic door open, Daisuke turned to look at Anya one more time. "By the by, I hope you get to feeling better. Maybe grab some paracetamol or something for that headache?"

Anya gave him a small smile. "I'll do that. Thanks, Daisuke." It wasn't like she was lying about the headache; she had given herself a headache from staring up at the window screen all day. Well, either that or the fact that she had only had a solid two bites of egg for the whole day. She even threw up the only water she'd had to drink.

Daisuke gave her a cheeky grin before starting out into the hall, clearly satisfied with both the advice he'd dished out and his reward for good deeds in the form of jelly packages. Anya couldn't help but think it was cute, the way that Daisuke was so clearly still a young adult at times. While he was in his early 20s, that still put him nearly a decade younger than Anya. Some of his little quirks that came from youth were things that Anya found endearing — even if they drove Swansea up the wall.

Finishing up her task of clearing the plate in the bin, Anya rinsed the dish quickly. Once that chore was done, she made her way to the medicine cabinet in the hall before the medical door where the paracetamol was kept. Even though she could definitely power through the headache if she needed to, Daisuke was right to suggest that they had medications. After all, they had not really had to touch any of the analgesics on board at all so far in their trek so taking one paracetamol would be fine.

Instead of walking back through the lounge, Anya decided to walk through the halls to get to the barracks. In part, she did this to avoid bumping into Daisuke again, and also to give her a moment to move her body some. She was sore all over from having sat still the entire day, eyes trained on that digital emulation of the sky. She really should have at least taken a walk when lunch came around.

Oh well.

Anya dredged her way into the barracks, going to the room assigned as her own - she unintentionally called it her own personally assigned hell, before backtracking the thought when she realised the negative train of thought. No, this was just where she was meant to sleep. The room itself wasn't the issue.

Either way, being in the room immediately made her feel a little like she was suffocating, as it had started feeling like every day since the fourth assault. She wouldn't say she didn't have flashbacks and fears before that last attack, but it had really felt like the nail in the proverbial coffin of her security. The fourth time, after the second quarter psychological evaluation that she had somehow pushed off onto Captain Curly, had been rougher and left her feeling even more battered than the other three times. He had felt more forceful that last time, like he knew that she had expressed her discomfort with their captain, even if he didn't know exactly what she had said.

Maybe the reason he'd been so violent was because he suspected she had been more forthcoming with information than she truly had been? Anya didn't know and it didn't matter. Either way, the fourth time had been worse.

Anya ended up backing up against her wall as she stared at her bed, tears welling up in her eyes again. Even the thought of getting into her own bed and waiting... waiting for the next time he would come into her room felt overwhelming.

She couldn't do this.

She wouldn't do this.

Anya couldn't spend another second in that claustrophobic room so weighed down by her traumas. She needed to escape.