A/N-this is another crossover chapter, just a fair warning before anyone asks
Vox grumbled as the radio played out. "Oh sweet, another client. Told you today was my lucky day." A horrid, horrid device that was outdated and rendered moot by everything around it. But unfortunately, the only way to keep track of Alastor and IMP, for the moment.
"Sir, fighting off a man for a bottle of booze and choking on a penny at the bottom of the bottle doesn't count as lucky."
"Sure it does! I get drunk and get money at the same time while murdering people!"
"Isn't that just a regular day in the office?" The voice of that dreaded brat moronically asked.
"No, a regular day in the office is Blitz fucking everything up." The female imp muttered bitterly.
"Moving on from that little tidbit, what can we do you for, Ms. Spider lady?"
"This horrible man and his two children buried me under a giant boot and killed me!" Some random sinner bitch screamed.
"Oooh, is that a part of the whole 'irony' thing where sinners look like certain animals after they die?" The brat pointed out the fucking obvious.
"What? No. I was a spider woman before I died."
"...Wait what?" Vox questioned with the screen of his face showing a '?' mark for a moment.
"You what?" The shrimpy male imp asked.
"Yeah, I was quite the looker too. It also helped my mummy mountain exhibit since it was so easy to drain body fluid from dumb guys who were distracted by the human skin I wore."
"So you were a horrible person before you were squashed, got it." The brat accepted.
"Hey, just because I slurped down a few brains doesn't make me a horrible person! That no good Stan Pines played with my heart, right when I had the gall to wait until we married to kill him!"
"Well don't you worry about your pretty little head. We'll head right up and fuck the man over for ya. Got an address?" The head imp questioned.
"I just know the name of the town where the old fucker lived, Gravity Falls Oregon."
"Then to Oregon we go to fucking murder!" Vox clicked off the radio after that. Nowhere notable, and no new information to be gleaned. It was annoying enough as it is.
"Why… again… why do people like this shit?" Vox slapped his hands over his face in frustration.
"Cause they get to hear that Earth is still just as fucked up as they remembered, if not more so." Velvette commented with a groan. "And it makes them feel better about their life in hell."
"If that's the case then what's the point in putting all that porn in our sitcoms if the masses are just going to ignore it for this fucked up, half assed podcast!?"
"Because sex sells no matter what you're selling." Val chuckled.
"Except now that sex literally isn't selling!"
"Because Angel Dust isn't returning my calls, and you aren't letting me walk over and shoot the princessa in her face for him."
"The bitch might be a wimp, but she can land a punch on Alastor and live." Velvette brought up the one thing that's managed to bring him joy since this fucking broadcast started.
"Debatable." The man stated off handedly as he grumbled on his phone. "So what now? Just continue our side shit until our plans fall into place?"
"That and or wait for the extermination to kill them all." Vox grumbled. "I have to figure out how save all my fuckin' resources if they decide to nuke every piece of hardware in hell …"
"So, Carmine gave the okay to snatch that book, or the fossils wanting to wait it out?" Val questioned as he ate a jelly donut.
"Old fuckers are too scared of change and risk." Vel rolled her eyes. "...Though there was something off about Carmine. She got extra defensive anytime the angel being dead was brought up, and Alastor gave me the creeps by actually agreeing with me and pushed the bitch's buttons."
"… Alastor … agreed with us?" Vox asked with bafflement.
"For the most part … he's not helpin' our extermination plan because, according to him, he's just gonna send the boy to face every angel and watch him break or snap for funsies."
"That would be fun to hear, not going to lie." Val nodded.
"… No... no that's too fucking sus… no way that fucker would ever agree with us if there wasn't something more to it… " Vox tapped his screen. "That boy was there. Alastor would be just as aware of every detail of the murder as the brat and Carmine …" A secret … one that the angelic arms dealer would love to keep under wraps … the need to have him under a job … "Fucking hell, the brat didn't kill the angel! Carmine and that fucker pulled one over everyone's head!"
Velvette's eyes widened, likely piecing it together as she snapped her fingers. "Fucking bitch! She murdered the thing and the bleeding heart brat took the fall!"
Val raised his hand. "So, we blackmailing her?"
"Fuck yes we are!" Vox cackled. "Looks like we got two objectives completed after all!"
"Two?" They asked.
"Doi. This, and Velve playing damage control with Missi Zilla." Vox smirked.
"..." Velv was silent as she started looking at her phone.
"… You did play damage control, right?" He asked, his smirk twitching. "With one of the only two people in hell we can actually use to take control of a brat who's heir to a sin, in lineage with Goetia that have access to the human world, and a favorite little adopted of the princess of fucking hell …"
"... I can confirm… she doesn't… hate us more than most of the overlords."
"… I'm going to go to my screaming room now." At this point the cost to build the room was paying off with how much everyone was getting pissed off beyond belief.
Husk cleaned the bar with a growl. "Nifty, if you're gonna stab bugs, can you do it away from my counter?"
"Sorry Husky, but if it has multiple limbs and crawls, I have no choice but to stab it on sight with no remorse but the cold breathless steel of a pin!" The little maniac cackled as she continued.
"Can't even have my favorite place be without something ruining it..." Husk grumbled. While he'd admit the people in this place weren't half bad, he'd still rather spend much of his time away from over half of them as much as fucking possible.
"Gravity Falls …" He heard Moxxie mutter on the radio. "Strange … Iruma, have you heard of it?"
"Nope. Wasn't on a map the last time I went to Wisconsin." The kid noted.
"You had a job in this far out state?" Blitz asked.
"It was a job for taking out unmarked and ice filled boxes of organs from the back of a hospital and transporting them to Canada. The weird part was that nobody at the time had a doctor's uniform …"
"You hear that princessa? Your favorite little boy toy helps traffick organs." Angel Dust cackled.
"Unknowingly!" Charlie shouted. "He had no conscious involvement with the decision!"
"Sure." Nifty shrugged. "Now he only has conscious involvement with assisted homicide."
"Exactly-ah, no-!"
"Don't let them rile you up hon." Vaggie patted the sulking girl on the back. "It's not worth it."
"For the record, I sssssstill sssssupport hissss innoccccenssssse." Pentious raised his hand.
"Hey tot, what did you pack the bleach for anyway?"
"Given the government's after us now, I figure it's best to start cleaning up as much evidence as possible … although given our general chaos, it's probably going to be too bloody to do that."
"What was that you were saying my good man?" Alastor cackled.
"Fuck off Alastor!" Charlie shouted in reflex.
"You know you've said that enough times for it to become my new ringtone." Angel Dust held his phone in the air.
"At this point it's part of the drinking game." Husk muttered.
Charlie blinked. "… The what now?" The princess asked.
"You know, whenever you watch a movie and you take a shot when something predictable happens." He answered. "Like Nifty stabbin' a bug."
"But... she's always stabbing bugs." Vaggie stated.
"Last week I made it to five hundred!"
"I never said it was a safe drinking game." Husk drowned another bottle.
"So do we just start walking, or are we asking around for directions?" The kid asked. "It looks like nothing but forest for the long haul."
"Oooh, if the job does take a while, we can have a family camping trip while Blitz goes off to finish the job!" The female imp cheered.
"I'll have you know my s'mores game is off the chain, Mills. Maybe I should have brought Loonie and her sense of smell though … could have made it a big family experience between the five of us."
"Six if Ms. Emily shows up again." Moxxie noted.
"She's busy with her own thing in heaven … I'd rather not drag her down more than I already have." The kid sighed. "Let's just get the job over with."
"You're not a drag Iruma..." The princess pouted at the radio as if the kid could listen.
"Agree to disagree." Angel Dust muttered.
"Do you have anything helpful to add to this conversation?" Vaggie questioned with a glare.
"If princess sugar and rainbows is going to bitch about the kid getting into tough shit, why don't she take it in the ovaries and actually do something about it?" The spider shrugged as he looked back to his phone. "She literally just punched Alastor through a wall, the excuse of him being in control doesn't really apply anymore."
"And yet I'm still here to chat with you lovely little demons." The radio fucker chuckled. "Isn't that something?"
"Horrible execution aside, they're not completely wrong." The moth woman patted the princess on the back. "You're the princess of hell. You can just march down there and get them to stop at any time." Vaggie pointed out. "Even imps would have no choice but to listen to you."
In contrast to the dignity of a royal princess, Charlie whined weakly like a well-behaved child not wanting to do something naughty. "But that's sooo meeeaaan, people need to realize naturally what they're doing is wrong."
"Oooh, are you wanting to try a redemption lesson on me then?" Al smirked. "I'll be patient and sit through the whole thing if you wish, dear Charlotte."
"Don't you dare tempt me." The princess pointed at him accusedly. "Besides, I for one, know the patrons of this hotel would never stoop to such a level as using I.M.P." Charlie said proudly.
"Actually most of us have just been dead for so long that all our grudges are dead too." Husk pointed out. "... Barring Nifty."
"Sadly I don't have enough money to pay for the death of Russia." The woman pouted.
"…. Didn't we sssssssssay we would try to lock her away ssssssssomehow?" Sir Pentious questioned in fear.
"You're the one who has to rebuild the cage." Angel Dust pointed out.
"I can make a friendship coat out of your scales… if you'd lend me a hand."
"... I'll keep my dissstanccccce pleassssse." Yeah, that was the usual reaction to prolonged exposure with the girl.
"Oh, I see someone up ahead." Iruma's voice spoke up. "Hello there … mister …" He trailed off.
"Hello, little twerp!" A buff voice shouted.
"... Is that a Minotaur?" Moxxie questioned in bewilderment.
"... Wait what?" Most of the staff questioned.
"I'm a Manotaur! Half man, half taur!"
"How many demons do those idiots let through that stupid book?" Husk had to ask.
"What do you mean?" Charlie asked with her head tilted. "Manotaurs aren't demons."
"...What the fuck are you going on about?" Angel Dust questioned.
"Humans weren't the only invention of angels. They were just the most prominent one." She went on. "At least that's what dad said."
"… So someone up there in heaven said it was a good idea to make a half bull half man hybrid … yet free will was a step too far?" Husk questioned in sarcasm.
"I think we've established by now that angels are hypocrites." Vaggie nodded.
"So do gnomes exist?" Angel Dust asked curiously.
"Yep." Charlie nodded.
"Vampires?"
"Uh huh."
"Mermaids?"
"Correct."
"Monsters that live under the bed?" Nifty asked.
"Bingo."
"What about the Loa?" Alastor asked.
"Actually those weren't made by angels." Everyone took a minute sigh of relief. "They just kind of spawned on their own from the multiple evils that leaked onto Earth when Eve bit the apple." Ohh …
"Mummies?"
"Think that involves demon magic used by humans, but those do exist." Charlie nodded. "Same with zombies and Frankenstein's unnamed monster."
"I knew that book was legit!" Pentious shouted before blinking. "Wait, doesssss tttthat mean Dracula'sssss in hell?"
"Who?" The princess asked, genuinely clueless.
"This is a little weird even for me." The kid spoke up from the radio. "Anyone know how to take this?"
"Hello, Mr… Taur is it?" The shrimpy imp asked. "If it would not be too much trouble, could you direct us to a 'Mystery Shack', please?"
"Mystery Shack!? That's where that wimpy Pine's brat who likes disco girl lives! He was my brother ... then he betrays me by not killing that sissy multibear!"
"You know if you pay us money, we could totally off the bear guy for you." Blitz offered. "And if money is a problem…" The sounds of a man getting closer were heard. "... We can discuss…alternative modes of payments."
"Finally, this show is spicing up." Angel Dust grinned. "Hey kitty, got any popcorn?"
"I would rather be dead before my radio show becomes corrupted with the filth you call entertainment." Alastor growled.
"I thought you didn't stop rape?" Nifty questioned.
"That's because it's balanced by the boy suffering. Fair trades all around, no matter how much my ears wish to bleed."
"... Fuck... off…" Charlie grabbed the deer man by the leg and flung him into the wall. "Alastor!!!"
Smash
"Oooh, we can take a shot for how many times that wall's been destroyed." Angel grinned.
"We'd definitely be drunk within an hour." Husk nodded. "Although I am savin' a special whisky for if she finally kills him."
"See, that!" Vaggie shouted. "If you can do that to Alastor, you can do that to some imps."
"True... but Alastor's an overlord and the imps are…well … imps." Charlie pouted.
"No ones saying you have to go full hellfire on them." Vaggie sighed. "Just... show a little more force than usually … like…. Ten percent more."
"I …"
"You guys go ahead and kill the old fuck, I'm… I'm gonna stay with Mr. Cow Daddy." The voice of that taller imp said suggestively. "If only you were a centaur, you'd make SO many fantasies come to life."
"... Is the idea of telling them off becoming more tempting?" Vaggie asked with a look.
"...I'll give them a strongly worded letter tomorrow." The princess groaned. "Please just let this one be quick and painless for everyone."
Octavia found herself in a bit of a peppy mood, more than usually, and for once, it wasn't stemming from her boyfriend. Tomorrow would be the day she's been waiting for for the last decade. A special cosmic event that so few were aware of even happened.
"Azathoth's tears …" Stars raining down like rain, swirling into a vortex of beauty … a magical day she's been expecting for ages. A day that she and her father would be able to witness up and close like no one else would. A day they've been planning for who knows how long. "It's almost time."
Just her, dad, and the beautiful stars … should she invite Iruma? Then again he would probably invite Blitz too … and she was not comfortable around the man in the slightest. "So I guess two mass murders are taking place today." Case in point.
"Don't worry tot, just leave that problem to Blitz. Now we can spend some quality family time together, just the three of us." The female imp cheered as they walked around.
"Millie, believe me when I understand being frustrated, beyond frustrated with Blitz, but it is vital for the company to stay together."
"Only for the tot's sake. Only when that radio bitch dies will we leave." Octavia almost felt like she could get along with this woman. "Between the radio demon, that fucker, his hound girl, and the birdie, there's too many bad influences in my boy's life!" Like she said, almost.
"I mean Stolas and Blitz don't have the best relationship, but I wouldn't say that he's a bad influence." Iruma responded, completely oblivious to the true message of what the imp said. "I mean, they help reinforce everything I don't want to do while dating Octavia." Not untrue. "… Although, Charlie said it's normal for couples to fight and talk about their problems with one another. Are you and Moxxie doing okay?"
"We're fine Iruma, it's just a minor discussion about careers. It's something every adult has to deal with eventually." The shrimpy imp spoke up. "Sometimes you think you enter a career for life, sometimes it's just one stop on the journey."
"That's why I have multiple jobs. So I don't have to think about things needing to change." Iruma smiled with a relaxed tone. "Maybe you guys should look into extra careers on the side."
Some may say Octavia was a bit obsessive, wearing an earbud that let her listen in on her boyfriend's movements and actions twenty four seven. Of course, given that the chance to listen in on him just fell on her lap, and the several people that attempted to take advantage of him, it was a rather pragmatic investment. And it made sure people like that pop star succubus didn't get too handsy with him. That massage was pushing things damn it!
You should give him a massage so he doesn't go back to her. Running your hands against his raw back and pressing all your assets against his-shut up!
"So we're still wandering the forest without any proper direction … I'm gonna climb a tree and see where it takes us." Iruma said.
"I can do that, tot. You stay down here with Mox." The female imp said, before the sound of climbing was heard.
"So… as one of two couples that I can be sure actually love each other... what's the difference between good fighting and bad fighting?"
"Bad fighting is more along the lines of all you do IS fighting, with no room for improvement on the subjects you're discussing." The shrimpy imp responded.
"You have nothing to worry about, Iruma." She wasn't anything like mom…. Even if Octavia was starting to suspect she was more like her dad than she realized. The only time they've ever 'argued' was back with the soul deal... something she still wasn't one hundred percent about having.
Octavia idly glanced at her chest, where her heart would be … gently strumming it as the purple, sparkling flame formed once more. Another chain that kept him locked down and controlled … how much freedom did Iruma really have in their relationship? To love each other … how much of it was free will? She never told him to love her … but was that genuine, or him going along with another prison like Stockholm syndrome? The only relationship she could even be certain about wasn't forced was with that naive princess Morningstar and that tacky hotel.
… Then again Iruma actually supported that place in spite of Alastor … existing around there, so maybe she shouldn't judge it too harshly … but the bitch let the radio demon live to hurt him even more …
"Shmebulock." The radio cut off her thoughts with a … really weird sound.
"Huh, I didn't know garden gnomes talked." Iruma spoke up with a confused voice.
"Between this, the spider woman, and the manotaur, I'm having questions about the nature of Earth itself." Moxxie stated bluntly. "Excuse me, Mr …"
"Shmebulock."
"Yes…. Mr. Shmebulock, we're looking for one Stan Pines, owner of something called the Mystery Shack. If it wouldn't bother you too much for us to inquire if you have direction?" There was a bit of silence, before a chomping sound was heard. "Gah, fuck!"
Bang
"That's for the foot, you jerk!"
"What was that noise … NOOOO! YOU KILLED SHMEBULOCK!" Another voice shouted in shocked sorrow.
"In Moxxie's defence, it was purely out of self defense." Iruma nodded. "Sorry Mr. lawn ornament sir."
There was a growl of great anger. "This will not go unpunished, Gnomes! Assemble!"
"Oh you think I'll be scared of some little army!?" The imp ironically shouted. "Dream on!"
"We may be little, but our size is not to be trifled with!" The sound of matching and climbing was heard. "Bow to your destroyer!!" What sounded like multiple voices calling out at once.
"Right, small creatures take advantage of numbers to survive." Iruma idly noted as a few seconds passed. "Run for the trees, their tiny legs will hinder them!" He screamed out.
Imagine if he treated your body like a tree, climbing and exploring every inch, squeezing the delectable little bits of flesh as your body feels every inch-Aaaand now she would take her mind off that.
Octavia opened the door outside. Time to finally get everything set up for Azathoth's tears. "Dad, I came to remind you about-"
"YES, STELLA, I MADE SURE TO PACK YOUR FUCKING BED!" The man screamed into a phone. "Don't worry, it's right next to the accessorized knives!" A few seconds passed. "You wanted speed, not delicacy, I'm just complying to your wishes bitch!" … The saddest thing about this situation was that this seemed to be the LEAST tired she's seen the man in a long while.
"Dad." She tried again. "I wanted to-"
"Not now sweetie, your mother's been nagging me about-" The phone shook in his hand. "Yes yes, I see your desk drawer right now. Put it upside down and in a non fragile box!"
"It's having trouble fitting in next to the crystal wine glasses." One of the mover imps asked.
"Just shove them together. Yes, without ANY packing peanuts, cause you didn't want to waste ANY money!" He screamed into the phone.
"... Alright." He wants to yell at mom more than he wants to talk to her … Octavia walked away in disappointment, tuning back into the radio broadcast. She understood her dad more… but that didn't mean she had to like what he was doing in reaction to it.
"Look, all we want is either blood in retribution for our fallen friend, or a gnome queen. Get us a very hot lady, and you partners can go free. Heck, we'll even help you."
"You're kind of asking the wrong guy to help. The only hot lady I'd know would be Octavia, and I'd rather use the words 'beautiful like a night sky' than hot." Awww. He finds you hot. Wear those star clad bikini bottoms next time he visits, or just wear nothing at all-QUIET DOWN! Why be a prude, you're already covered in feathers, he'd probably get turned on either way-I WILL RIP YOU APART WITH A SPOON!
"Look, just find us a woman or else we're smashing your two demon friends."
"Don't worry Iruma, I can get us out of here real quick!" The female woman shouted as the sound of struggling was heard.
"Oooh, she sounds good enough to be our queen."
"I'm married!"
"And we tried to force a young teenager into marriage, we're not picky."
"... You better hold us real tight, because the second you let us go, I'm shooting all your heads off!"
Yeah … definitely one of the more bloody broadcasts.
A group chat was juuuust what Loona needed in life. Just enough contact to not feel alone while capable of talking about hellhound issues, but not an overwhelming amount where she was expected to always say something. "Shedding sucks." She grumbled, shaking off some loose fur. "Always ends up in my eyes."
Normally this wouldn't be a problem, as Blitz, for as annoying as he was, was usually on top of her maintenance, but since his big blowup at Ozzie's with that rich asshole, the man had been a bit … off his game more than usual. She understood it … it fucking sucked but she understood it nonetheless.
And her next best option was sadly just way too fucking complicated for her, and she was still coming to terms with it. She had a crush on a kid, on Iruma, on a fucking fourteen year old! When the fuck did her life fall apart like this? Was she just fucked in the head or some shit?
Maybe if he was just rich or famous there'd be a more rational explanation... wait he was becoming the successor to Beelzebub… wait, shit no, she kissed him before she knew that. "Come on Loona, this isn't your type of thing. You like buff guys. Like Vortex." He was really hot … too bad he was with a girl … that was also hot and famous and fun … "Shit, am I bi?" Was THAT why Iruma looked so hot in a dress-GAH!
"It's not like he's done anything special! He's just there… and listens… and friendly and understanding..." She murmured.
Badump
Loona blinked. "…. oh what the hell!?" Did kindness mean that much to her!? Well Tex was kind and he never judged her…. Wait; was that why she was interested in Tex!?
"Why is it that all the good guys get taken?" She grumbled, banging her head against the desk. "And why the fuck am I including Iruma in that!?" Because nobody in literal hell could ever compare to the kid, and any and all kindness from anyone else eventually fizzled out and died.
"Okay … I've gotten out of some weird situations, but even I didn't expect the leaf blower to work." Said headache muttered from the office radio.
"Little tiny perverts, if we weren't trying to finish a mission I'd exterminate their entire species." The voice of the fatty grumbled as the sound of blood wiped off was being heard. Loona would never admit it out loud, but the little whiny bitch boy of a sniper was somehow the least annoying thing around the office at the moment.
"They definitely aren't at the top of first impression." The voice of the bitch grumbled, before turning over actively chipper. "Plus side, we finally got here!"
"It looks … really run down." Iruma noted. "If I heard about this town before I'd probably get a job here."
"Come on Iruma, you're better than some run down greedy sleaze joint." The bitch chuckled.
"I did take a job in Greed, and it was one of the top five worst experiences since coming to hell." He stated. "… Although working for murder is still bad in my opinion-"
"Moxxie, you have a game plan?" Millie 'conveniently' interrupted.
"We'll need a minute to put on proper disguises. Iruma, head in and keep your eyes on the target until we can place him in the area most convenient for killing."
"Sure thing." He sighed, walking inside to the sound of a jingling bell. "Hello? Anyone in here?"
"Welcome to the Mystery Shack!" Some old guy's voice shouted. "Where the biggest mystery of all, is where your money goes!" Sounded like someone straight out of Greed.
"Been asking that for a LONG portion of my life." The boy muttered. "Are you Stan Pines?"
"Are you with the IRS?"
"Noooooo way. I'd never get involved with those maniacs."
"Haha, a fellow scamper, a young one at that." The guy chuckled. "How about I teach you a valuable life skill … tax evasion?"
"Wait, people can just avoid paying taxes… where has that advice been all my life?!"
Loona snorted. "Course he never picked that up." Cause the kid was too cute-too cute-too cute-why the fuck couldn't she say dumb in her own freaking head!?
"The world is a cruel place, kid, so that's why when life gives you lemons, you get a marker out and label them yellow oranges and sell them at twice the price!"
"Wouldn't that only work in a country unfamiliar with common fruits?"
"International scam. Good instincts." The old man laughed. "Kids! I found a young and impressionable kid I want to teach all my scams to! " Wow, he was somehow more blunt about it than Blitz. "Watch the store while I'm busy!"
"On it Grunkle Stan-" A boy's voice said, before cutting itself. "... Say, where are you from, kid?"
"Hell." Iruma answered honestly so quickly it made Loona snort.
"Ahahahahahahaha! Oh man, aren't we all, kid?" The old man laughed, clearly not taking it seriously. "I'll be back with my great book of lies." The sound of walking occurred for a bit.
"... So, are you with Bill Cipher, or did one of the demons my Grunkle probably sold his soul to come to collect?" The other boy asked warily.
"I have no idea what you mean by a cipher." Iruma answered. "And my sort of surrogate family got hired by some spider woman to kill your… grunkle was it…?"
"It stands for great uncle." They nodded, the sound of flipping pages occurring. "Demon weakness, demon weakness …"
"Hey bro, what's the …?" A girl started, before she began squealing. "Dipper, cute boy alert! And he's foreign!"
The boy called Dipper sighed in resignation. "Didn't you get over your boy craze already?"
"That's for every boy I ever meet, not the BEST ones!" Well, there was another girl that was going to also be on Octavia's shit list … would she hire IMP to kill them? Or leave them alive so they don't end up down here with Iruma?
"Also, he's a demon from hell here to kill Grunkle Stan."
"We all have issues to work through." … Somehow that was far too relatable.
"Oh I'm not a demon, my parents sold my soul and I've been living in hell for like… six months now, my internal clock's not sure about how much time has passed it's been so long." Iruma shrugged.
"You have blue fur and feathers."
"That's all Beezlebub's doing, she apparently likes that I can eat years worth of food in a single instant and now I'm going to be king of the Gluttony ring… I know, it's a lot to take in-oh, vending machine." He ran off, the sound of drool coming from his mouth. "So getting my money's worth."
"Don't worry about them being expired, that just makes the chips extra greasy and crunchy!" The girl shouted enthusiastically.
There was a sound of facepalm. "Mabel, he's from Hell and admitted to wanting to kill our great uncle, do not get attached here!"
Mabel made a 'pfft' noise. "Oh come on Dipper, I can't say no to the desires of a cute, single guy."
"Oh, I'm actually dating a girl right now." He answered.
"... Grab the holy water, I'll grab the rope."
"That's not going to work." Iruma noted as the moving of feet began being heard.
"Yeah, I'm reading it now. Demon weaknesses … mostly rituals involving spells to keep them contained and send them back."
"Ooh, so you can finally use that noodle brain of yours and do some fancy magic?" The girl asked.
"Grunkle Ford's showed me one or two good tricks."
"Look, I get the skepticism and I really don't blame you for trying to send me back to hell, but like I said, my surrogate family is the one trying to kill your… Grunkle. They're bad at killing people, so you might have time to stop them."
"Uh huh, and why should we leave you alone while we go out to 'save our grunkle'?" The other kid asked suspiciously.
"Cause I'm going to be busy eating the stuff in this vending machine-"
Crunch
"… Or thanks to my weird demon powers, eating this vending machine." The sound of crunching metal was heard.
"... Are you sure you're dating someone-?"
Her brother stopped her. "Please drop it, this is a rabbit hole you don't want to go down."
"Yeah … it's not …" Loona muttered, looking out the window. "It's really … not." And why… why was this making her feel so shitty?
Bang Bang Bang
"No, the tax collecters found me, and they sent giant mutant possums to finish the job!!"
"See, told you." Iruma likely pointed outside. "If you have something that can stop them, do it now."
"On it!"
Sallie May snorted. "This is why I'm a superior killer." So much noise, it was best to just strangle them around the neck till their heads popped off. "Mills got caught faster than a landshark in a worm pit."
"Come on now, she's obviously just holding back due to that semi-spineless husband she has to carry 'round." Pa shook his head. "Otherwise she would've stomped down on all these little shots before they had the chance to touch her."
Bang
"Kids, grab the emergency kit! I have a shotgun stored in-HOT BELGIAN WAFFLES! My leg!"
"Stop being pussy and curse like a man, you crustacipiss cock sucker!" Blitz shouted.
"Hey, I tolerate a lot of things ok, but I draw the line at cursing in front of my niece and nephew!"
"Well you don't have to worry long, we're sending them right down to hell with you!"
"Can you not kill the kids, Blitz? I'm already getting flashbacks to when you were trying to kill me."
"What part of 'stop being friendly with the targets' have you NOT gotten at this point, brat!?"
"The part where you tell me to do something I'm highly against."
"I have no idea why everyone's so obsessed with the kid." Sallie shrugged. "Sure he can ruffle with the best of them, but that don't mean shit when you don't like killin'." At least the wimp of a husband could pull out a murder boner.
"Sure, the tyke can use some more teeth and bark, but he got as much guts and grit as any pure wrathian." Ma grinned as she looked at Striker's tail, which was still hanging over the fireplace.
"I'm more surprised he didn't eat this thing on the spot." One of their little brothers nodded.
"Slippery little eels never make the best meals." Pa shook his head. "Now if it was an arm or leg, that would be better to chow down on."
"Hold on Grunkle Stan, I got a spell in here that should keep them contained and send them back to hell!" The nerdy boy shouted. "Okay, we just need to … draw pepper in a circle? Really Ford?"
"If my brother says it works, it works-STOP SHOOTING MY LIMBS!"
"Legs down, can't run now fucker!"
"Hey, just because you have a really cute werewolf bird bug demon boy, doesn't mean I'm going to let you get away with that! Grappling hook!" The girl shouted as something was fired off.
Chink
"Gah right in the fucking face, fuck! What regular Earth kid has a fucking grappling hook in her pocket!?" Blitz complained.
"Wait, metal hurts them?" Dipper questioned.
"I mean, what did you think it did?" Iruma answered.
"..." The sound of punching occurred in the background. "TAKE THIS YOU SATANIC PRICK! I'M GONNA KNOCK YOUR SKULL CLEAN OFF YOUR BODY!" This Stan fellow sounds enticing.
"HOW ARE YOU THIS RIPPED!?" Blitz yelled in pain and shock.
"Better question is how are you so weak coming from hell!?" The punching continued.
Shatter
"Stay away from my tot!"
"Millie!" The kid shouted as the sound of arms lifting was heard.
"Iruma, let go of the little skank, you don't know where she's been!"
"I know that, I don't want any more kids to die after what I'd been through!"
"Kid, I will stick you with Loona if you keep stopping us every time we try murdering a kid!"
"Every time!?" The nerd shouted incredulously, as scruffing sounds occurred.
"Doi, we murder humans for money. Old, young, girls, pregnant women, the less standards, the richer we get." Blitz answered with sounds of struggling.
"... Maybe I should try tappin' that." Sallie mused.
"Dipper, tell me you got that fancy book spell thing down cause they're even crazier than the IRS!"
"On it! Za-"
Bang
"Sniper! They shot the book!"
"Finally, Mox, thank fuck you're actually begining to be more than semi useful now!" The man shouted as he ruffled with the old fucker. "Okay gramps, time to go to hell!"
"Not today, Satan!" The nerd shouted as the sound of random book flipping could be heard. "Dang it, going to have to just make my best guess at this … nomed eht tuo gnirb!"
"Kid, stop that brat!"
"I mean, we're just going back to hell, not like it's anything bad."
"Seramthgin fo mlaer eht nepo!"
The radio seemed to almost frizz out. "I'mmm baaaack." Spoke a voice that gave Sallie the most unnerving chills.
"... Dipper?"
"Yes, Grunkle Stan?"
"If we live, you're grounded."
Beelzebub blinked. "Satan damn, is that Bill?" Fuck, it's been a while since she saw one of the old evils of the universe.
"... You know a guy named Bill?" Tex asked in surprise.
"Stupid name and look, but he's technically older than hell itself." She chuckled. "Total party animal, but a bit of a buzzkill when he starts killing the party guests."
"... A back of a dollar bill is going to drag us back to hell?" The party animal imp asked sarcastically. "Oooh, I'm so scared."
"Oh no, you go ahead and murder away, Grave walker." The triangle chuckled. "I'll sit back and watch the chaos."
"Finally, someone speaking common sense!"
"So... what's this guy's deal?" Tex asked.
"He threw a party so hard it killed his old universe and he wants to throw it in this one." She said, causing her boyfriend to stare in shock at that. "Made a few deals with demons in the past here and there to get better access to our own reality." The guy really knew how to make a good bowl of hard time punch. "But he's always stuck in the nightmare world until he shakes someone's hand."
"Doesn't the kid have like five contracts from doing that?" Tex asked uneasily, concerned for the pup.
"Yeah." Beez shrugged as she slurped up some cotton candy. "I'm going to wait this out and see what the pup does though."
"Sir, I think the giant floating triangle takes precedence over the target!" Shouted some imp dude.
"Me? A threat? I don't even have a physical form, Sharpshot. Watch." There was a moment of rustling wind. "See? I walked right through you and didn't even do anything." The old demon cackled. "I can, however, force your teeth out of your mouth and sing me showtunes, like so!"
Snap
"I'm a creep … I'm a weirdo … what the hell am I doing here?"
"Mmmmmmmmmmhhhhhhhhhhh!" The tiny male imp shouted incoherently.
"Moxxie!"' The female imp cried out.
"Relaaaax Bloody knife, I doubt this is the first time the loser got his teeth knocked out."
"... Do you mind putting the teeth back in so we can focus on killing these fuckers?"
"Sure thing, Grave walker."
Snap
"Ooooh that was sooo uncomfortable." The tiny imp breathed in a strain tone.
"That was somehow almost Alastor levels of disturbing." The pup muttered.
"Oooh, what do we have here?" Bill's voice peaked in intrigue. "Wowowwowowoza! I haven't seen a jumbled up soul like yours since the heyday of the Litch and Aku!"
"I … should I be concerned?"
"Only if you care about physics."
"Stay away from him, Bill!" The human girl's voice shouted with hostility.
"Mabel!"
"He's super cute AND he stopped the possum lady from stabbing me, let me have this, bro!"
"... Alright, she's definitely dyin'." The girl imp growled.
"Millie, Meg was one thing that I was grateful for, but this is crossing a line."
"Seriously kid, you're really ruining the vibe here! I fucked a Manotaur and rode a unicorn today, you do not get to ruin the moment for me here!"
"Oooh, trouble in purgatory paradise?" Bill asked with a chuckle as the sound of blue flame came over the air.. "Someone in need of….a helpful hand?"
"Listen, whatever you do, do NOT take the deal!" The nerdy boy exclaimed. "He-!"
"Oh grow a pair brat, no one here's stupid enough to make a deal." The party imp scoffed.
"Not even if I could bring back your mom?"
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
Click click click click click click click
"... He DOES know he fired all the bullets in that thing right?" The human girl asked with some unease.
"Mabel, some buttons are NOT to be messed with." The old man Stan said with wisdom.
The party imp growled like a reptile. "Okay fam, ignore the meatbags, we're going to turn this isosceles eye fucker into a right angled limp dick!"
"Wow, I did not take you for a pervert." Bill laughed as the sound of guns and weapons thrown were heard throughout the air. "Let me know when you're done talking, or go back to the fun murder."
"… Okay, really getting Alastor vibes here." The pup muttered. "Do you also sit around all day watching others' misery because you don't know what to do with your life?"
"Oh no. I just do it because I'm physically incapable of existing within your world unless I make deals. It's not my MAIN goal. I can't imagine someone who simply spends their entire life for the sole purpose of making someone miserable. That's hobby stuff."
Brief static could be heard over the radio. "Don't know if that makes you better or worse."
"I'm anything that you want me to be, the silver lining of all your problems or the orchestrator of your demise, all depends… if you're willing to risk it all?"
"No way." The pup said quickly and bluntly. "You're just gonna buy my soul. Trick me once, shame on you, trick me five times, shame on me."
"Five times seems more like the idiot mark than the you mark."
"...You know, you look like you'd be very delicious with a side of a bean dip."
"Oh fuck, he's actually serious." Beez cackled. "I knew he had guts, but this takes it to a whole new level!"
"HAHAHA! Kid, I'm an immortal demon from another dimension! Nothing short of God's wrath will kill me!"
There was a moment of silence. "... Never thought I'd have to use this thing … it'll be easier if I just view it like a kitchen knife."
Bill taunts with a fake scared voice. "Oooh, white sword popping out of your-"
SHINK
Then his taunting immediately turned to outright scream of unimaginable pain.
"AHHHHHHH! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?"
"Holy sword. It makes it easier to cut you up. Now I'm going to eat you."
"PppffffftHAAA!" Bee laughed hard. "Oh this is a riot! An absolute riot!"
There was genuine terror and agony in Bill's voice. "AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! STOP IT! I CAN BREAK YOUR CONTRACTS IF YOU-GAH! MY LEG! MY LEG!!!"
"... Grunkle Stan, we're scared." Dipper admitted weakly.
"So am I kids.. so am I…" Stan answered, clearly unsettled.
"... Well, I'm gonna need a cold shower after this one." Blitz muttered.
"That's it, Iruma! Show that three sided prick whose boss!" The female imp cheered. "I'm so proud of our baby, Mox! He's finally given in to murder!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Bee cheered out. "I love this pup!"
"…. So can he just eat demon gods whenever he wants?" Tex questioned, looking shocked and haunted.
"Oh no, if he had his physical form or the smarts to use body doubles, the pup would be fucked." She said honestly. She made a big smirk. "But this … too fuckin awesome! So long Bill, you were a shit party planner!" She finished with a salute.
Alastor would normally deny ever being on his knees … "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Except for something so undoubtedly entertaining. "He screamed as he was being-HAHAHA-chowed down on! He was fully aware-HAHAHAHA-I can't finish sentences!" He was giddy... for the first time in a long time, he was positively excited about the brand new doors opening! Sure the hotel brought levity and ensured the completion of his eventual goal… but this... this was far beyond his wildest expectations. "Hahahaaha! He ate that pompous prick without a second though-ohohohhohohohooo! This is my favorite episode by FAR-ahahahaahahaahahahabahaha!!!!"
"… So mommy's little bitch boy is a full on cannibal now." Angel Dust snickered as he took in a shot of beer.
"He's not." Nifty said with a wildly dazed and entranced state of ecstasy. "Cannibals eat their own species. Iruma ate a god, and thus ascended onto untold levels of bad boy …"
"I thought he was just a bedtime story dad said so I wouldn't go out alone at night." Dear Charlie muttered in horror. "Iruma…. Ate the embodiment of nightmares…"
"HE DID! He really did-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Alastor cackled. An all powerful being caught off guard, its soul ripped apart, their screams becoming nothing but static ... Just like the good old days. "Incredible, just, just incredible! Hehehehehe!"
"It's all good… it's all good..." Charlie began pacing back and forth as she pulled her hair, looking frantic. "It was self defense..."
"Was it?" Angel Dust smirked. "Feels like Mr. Laughy would've let the kid go off on his own otherwise."
"He was completely intangible and couldn't do anything to harm people-hehehehe-but make deals, yet the boy murdered him in COLD BLOOD-Hahahahaha-Because he sounded like ME!!!"
"FUCK OFF ALASTOR!" Charlie kicked him across the room, but Alastor didn't care! He was on a laughing high and he wasn't going to let anything kill his mood. "It wasn't his real body, the demon's still alive."
"But if it wasn't, then the kid would've killed him for real." Husker raised a hand. "Not trying to help the red bastard here, just spitting out facts."
"So … still think he's not a holy slayer?" Angel questioned. "Aka, the whole reason why we're going to be totoally fucked in little over three months.
"Angel, I will cut off your booze intake to zero if you don't shut up." Vaggie glared as she turned to Charlie. "Look, this whole thing is complicated, it's never been black and white from the start; and the kid was actually trying to stop IMP from killing anyone."
"Right … right." Charlie slapped herself. "He's probably already regretting his actions, and needs support for himself. Support we at the Happy Hotel-" Alastor was too busy laughing hysterically to correct her. "Will give!"
The door opened as the star of the hour came in. Young Suzuki has a displeased expression. "Bleh, my mouth tastes like nightmares …grape jelly and mustard, never thought those two together would be so… disgusting."
"Iruma, your back!" Charlie ran up and hugged the boy. "Are you alright!? Are you traumatized!? Do you need about twenty to thirty days to decompress and psychoanalyze your deep rooted issues?"
"... Still haven't gotten to that word on my word of the day calendar." He said, blinking. "But no, this doesn't even rank top ten among the stuff Alastor and IMP put me through."
Charlie flinched. "And… Bill… that left… no impact on you?"
"For a tortilla chip, he was pretty stale." The boy of the hour shrugged. "Anyone got water to wash it down?"
Charlie looked at the boy, looking like she was about to faint, before taking a deep breath. "...Given it was a… special circumstance with a demon of unknown eldritch origin, I suppose… I can…. Forget I ever heard that."
"Never going to happen, my dear! My radio show will NEVER let anybody in hell forget!" He cackled. "I'm proud of you boy! For the first time I feel like I can genuinely call you a protege! A student! A son!"
"Your praise means absolutely nothing to me." Young Suzuki said with immediate bluntness.
"And you're still making me proud as we speak."
"...There's no winning here, is there?"
"Not even a little bit, that's why I love this game of ours!" Alastor cackled.
"I can at least take comfort that IMP called off the mission and those kids aren't dead." Iruma sighed. "All that's going to happen is Blitz deciding me and Moxxie need a lecture on 'why child murder is cool'."
"….. Why don't you head upstairs and wash up, and I'll get started on dinner?" Charlie put on a forced smile. The star perked up.
"Sweet!" The boy ran upstairs.
"I'll make sure his clothes are washed clean, and comfortable." Alastor smiled. "I am in FAR too good a mood today!"
"That's not a good sign." Vaggie grumbled. "So… Charlie.. hold up-"
"No, no I am not… and I won't be until I march down to IMP and get them to stop." Charlie kept her smile on as her horns grew out. "And not with a strongly worded letter!"
"Yes!" Vaggie grinned. "That's-"
"With a strongly worded LECTURE!"
"… So close and yet so far." Vaggie groaned.