Iruma hummed as he scavenged through the trash can. "Diggin up food, diggin up food, diggin up food, and I get … a moldy piece of cheese. Yay me!" He exclaimed, chomping it down. Bacteria was always a great way to build up one's immunity to diseases. Plus the mold gave it an extra soft texture that made his tongue feel all tingly on the inside. "Maybe I can get some stale bread and crackers to go with it. Then I'll be eating like a king." And with Jason gone, he didn't have to worry about any of the food being thrown away.
Although admittedly , a small part of him felt a little bit disappointed. The other day was the longest time he spent talking with other people, friendly people.. Well, one friendly girl and one angry but seemingly well meaning boy, but it was the most conversation he had with another person either way. It was strange ... He didn't feel lonely with them … especially with Barbra, the girl that gave him food and a small warm feeling in his chest.
But this was the streets. And that meant that you couldn't afford to give away all your food or stay in the same place. And if he went to her house again her dad would just put him back in prison. Prison was a bad place, a bad place where you went inside, got attacked with needles, and never came out. Which meant for now, and probably the rest of his life, he would just stick to his alleyway….
It wasn't a fun life, but it was what he knew. Heck, he only ever knew his name because it was on a blanket that was wrapped around him as a baby. Iruma… he didn't even know what kind of name that was. One guy said chinese, another said korean… then again, he only ever talked to other people on the streets ... When they felt like talking instead of trying to kill him.
Well … in the end it didn't matter, he'd find it one day … you know, when Iruma felt confident he could survive outside of Gotham. If his parents placed him here, it had to be more safe and secure than anywhere else … right?
"Okay, got some old cheese … oooh." He grinned, reaching for a broken fan. "Scoooore." All he needed some some old rolls of tape and he had air conditioning! Helped beat the summer heat. "Now where is that screwdriver I found-"
"HEY THERE BESTIE!" A flash of purple and presented itself before him, making him lose balance and falling back.
"AAAAHH-Oh." He blinked, seeing he wasn't in danger, recognizing the flash in question. "Hey Barbra." He scratched his head. "How did you find me? I don't think I told you where I lived."
"I found you with my master detective skills!" She chuckled. "And this tracking device I planted in your hair that I took from my dad's office."
"Oh, that's what the beeping was." Iruma laughed. "I thought I was about to spontaneously combust." Bullet dodged.
"Besides, you're living in the most historical sight in all of Gotham, Crime Alley!" Barbra chuckled as she jumped into the dumpster with him. "I come here all the time!"
"Aaaah, that explains all the blood." Iruma noted. "Luckily it looks pretty free for the moment, so I'm able to raid it for supplies."
"Oooh, to build stuff?" She asked.
"Well I am planning on building a fan so I don't die of heat exhaustion." Iruma nodded. "So yeah, I'm building stuff."
"OOOH! Let me help, let me help, let me help, I LOVE making stuff!" Barbra shook him back and forth. "I've practically built every toy and computer I've ever owned! Of course I always break them, but everytime I build them, they last one minute longer!"
"Oooh, how long does it last now?"
"Ten minutes!"
"Hmm … I like those odds." He smiled, reaching for parts. "Score! Old banana peel!" He grinned, scarfing it down. "Don't know why you'd ever throw that away."
"I think it's the lack of banana in the peel." Barbra noted. "Didn't you eat breakfast?"
"That is breakfast." Iruma nodded. "Everything I eat comes out of this dumpster. Sometimes when I'm lucky, I find stuff like stale pizza crust or raw potato skins…. Ah… I can taste the starchiness with every bite." He grinned.
"Boo to that, I'm getting you a breakfast burrito, come on!" Barbra grabbed his hand and leapt them out of the dumpster. "My mama always says life is like a burrito, stuffed with goodness within every inch!"
"Really, your mom said that?" Iruma asked. "She seems more like the kind of lady to say 'clean your face, you have too much burrito on you'."
"That's just cause I tend to do things that are 'too extreme' in her and dad's eyes. Like, 'don't go after homicidal criminals Barbra', 'don't walk into an active crime scene Barbra', and 'don't try and hack the government to get information Barbra'."
"But that's just everyday life." Iruma titled his head. "...Okay, that last part probably isn't, but the first two are more relatable."
"Exactly!" She shouted. "Life is awesome and I'm living it!" She shouted. "With breakfast burritos!"
Hm.. burritos DID sound amazing right now. "Okay … which dumpster are we getting them out of?" Iruma asked.
"Dumpster? We're not eating out of a Dumpster Iruma." Barbra chuckled.
"But you already paid for me and Jason yesterday. Clearly you don't have the money for more."
"Of course I have the money for it!" She said, taking out what looked like a giant head of someone in what he assumed to be a giant bat masked like Barbra's. "This is my burrito fund, for me to use whenever I want a burrito!"
"That sounds important ... do you really want to use it on me?" He asked. "You could be feeding yourself more food. You never know when you'll starve and not eat." Sure, there's been times Iruma gave away food, but that was still mostly cutting it in half so they could both eat and smile.
"Of course, with you as my new BFFEAEAEAE, it is my sworn duty for your life to be filled with fun, excitement, and burritos! Especially burritos!" She grinned. "Next to Batman, Burritos are the most important thing in this city."
"I would just say food in general, but I'll rally behind a specific food group." He nodded as they walked.
"Yes! Now we just need to find the other BFFEAEAEAE, to make it a Burrito Breakfast buffet of champions!"
"Oh ... Jason pretty much told me to not go and find him." He said. "After your dad arrested us, he got all emo and angry, so I helped him break out of our room at the GCPD."
"...YOU'RE AN ESCAPE ARTIST TOO!?" Barbra held him by the face.
"I just don't like to be around danger." Iruma shrugged. "Besides, all I needed to do was pull out a few metal screws with my teeth, nothing too hard."
"Teach me your ways …" She whispered with sparkly eyes.
"Sure." He nodded. "... So burritos?"
"Right, right! Sorry, I tend to get a little bit distracted and loose focus and oooh, there's a butterfly." Barbra looked out in the distance. "What are we talking about?"
"Burritos."
"Right, the food of champions, come on!" She pulled him along. "We'll worry about Jason later, he'd ruin the good vibes we have flowing now, we got a groove, a momentum, a wave of friendship that will last forever and ever and ever!"
"How long is forever?" Iruma asked. He was still grasping time beyond just positions of the sun and moon.
"Longer than a hundred."
"Oooh, that is long." And by the time he was a hundred, he'll probably already be dead, so he'd have nothing to worry about!
"So, how old are you?" She asked.
"Um … I think I'm in my eighties." He said.
"... Eighty years?" Barba raised an eyebrow.
"Eighty weeks. That's how age works right?"
"...You don't go to school, do you?"
"Of course not. Schools cost money right?"
"Not really. Public school is the WORST though…" Barbra groaned. "Nothing's worse than spending six to seven hours a day inside a stuffy building with teachers teaching boring stuff instead of letting us do our own research into trying to fight criminal injustice!"
"Got it, never go to school or trust teachers ever." Another valuable lesson to keep to himself.
"Ugh, I wish I could skip school, but every time I do, I'm dragged back or get grounded, even when we totally kicked Ratcatcher's butt! We were awesome and cool, like batman!"
"Isn't he just a guy in a mask punching people? I've never been into wrestling before." Iruma noted. "Wait, is he being paid to punch people? Wouldn't that just make him a cop?" That would explain why Jason didn't like him whenever he was brought up.
"What, no?! He's a superhero who saves people!" She shouted. "He saves everyone!"
"He didn't save us." Iruma pointed out.
"If it was night out, he totally would've! Because at night is where the darkest, most deprave, and EVIL villains stalk through the night and attack!" Barbra loudly proclaimed. "If Batman wasn't here, Gotham wouldn't nearly be as amazing of a city to live in as it is now!"
"Really? He's that important?" Was punching people really that important to a city?
"Yes, yes he is!" Barbra grabbed him by the shoulders. "In fact, I'm going to show you! I, as the daughter of Jim gordon and Batman's number one super fan and future sidekick, I am going to show you the impressive and mind blowing history and impact Batman has over Gotham!"
Grrrrrr
Iruma's stomach cried out.
"After we get you that burrito!" Barbra shouted out in the air. "We'll take the bat scooter!" She hopped on a scooter with a giant bat logo on the handle. "To me, my BFFEAEAEAE!"
"...Eh, what the heck?" Even if he was hungry, this was still the most fun he's had in a while. No harm in going along with her.
Barbra took a bite of her burrito as they reached their stop. "So, this is the abandoned warehouse district, where evil villains meet about and plan their dastardly deeds."
"There's a whole district for abandoned warehouses?"
"Yes, it was built just in case giant robots ever attacked the city. It's this whole thing in japan." Barbara nodded., "Now sssh, bad guys are talking."
She saw Kiteman and Keymaster walk to the front door, comparing clipboards. "Okay, today's monday right? That means I get lot five." Kiteman said.
"Awww, now I gotta find somewhere else to store my giant unlocking inator." Keymaster sighed. "Can I borrow it for the night?"
"I would, but the up winds need either lot five or six, and today Mr Freeze has that one reserved."
"Come on, he already owns half the freezers and meat lockers in town, he doesn't need to get greedy."
"Do YOU want to argue with the man that'll freeze you and sell your organs in a heartbeat?"
"... Touche."
"They seem nice." Iruma, her newest BFFEAEAEAE and just the most adorable little blue bean of cuteness grinned with a nod as he kept eating his burrito.
"They're reserving spots to commit evil and heinous crimes." She argued. "Like … stealing."
"... Aaaand?" He asked with confusion.
"And stealing is bad."
"But everyone steals." Iruma argued.
"Not me." Barbra smiled.
"You stole Ratcatcher's stick thingy to buy everyone burritos."
"No, you see, that was from a bad guy. It doesn't count if you steal it from a bad guy to do right." Barbra grinned. "It's when you steal from innocent people that it's bad."
"Stealing from bad guys is alright … understood." The blue haired boy nodded.
"Did someone say something about stealing from people? Barbabababel, you rebel!" A cheery voice chuckled as a flash of red and blue crashed into her.
She gasped. "Harleen!" She shouted, wrapping her arms around the girl.
"Babsy!" Her first ever BFFEAEAEAE twirled her around. "Didn't see you at school, yesterday! Of course I actually ditched so I couldn't tell if you went to school but I had a gut feeling in my funny that you skipped school, cause as a best friend, I get those feelings from time to time!"
"I tried to see Batman, but I forgot he only shows up at night. That's my bad." She nodded. "But I'm going to see him tonight! What about you?"
"Same as use, hangin around Wolfman's wacky world of gags and giggles, strolling through ace chemical plant, playing tick tack to and hopscotch on an old crime scene, the normal fun stuff everyone does in gotham!" As one should. "Ooooh, what's this?" Harely got a look at Iruma and leaned hin, getting face to face with the younger boy. "Awww, did Barbabelbal get herself a cute adorable boyfriend?"
"No, I got us a new BFFEAEAEAE for us to hang out with that just so happens to be a boy!" Barbra grinned. "I would've brought us two, but he was kind of a jerk and doesn't want to hang out."
"Well, screw him wherever he is, he's CLEARLY missing out." Harleen chuckled
"Hey … language." Barbra chided. "This one's an innocent bean."
"Like the burrito? Is that where the 'you are what you eat' expression comes from?" The boy in question asked. "Am I going to start spitting out beans and feeding everyone burritos?"
"HAHAHAAHAAHAAHAHA!" Harleen gave one of her wonderful cheerful laughs. "Awwww, you are just so cute! Like a little blue doggie!" Harleen flipped over the boy and gave him a bow. "Ladies and blue people-!"
"I think she's talking about you…" Iruma whispered to her. "Although your hoodie's more purple than blue."
"For those of you new around here, I am the one, the only, fantabulous Harleen Quinzel!" Her first BFFEAEAEAE chuckled.
"Cool …" Iruma smiled. "… What does fantabulous mean?"
"It means I do amazing tricks to make you smile, like this!" Harleen took out a little fake flower on her shirt.. And Blasted iruma with a huge wave.
SCHRRRRRROOMP
..A wave that the boy completely swallowed in one gulp. "Wow, thanks! You knew I was thirsty!" Iruma grinned brightly with a smile. "I…Oooh, sorry, I think the water's making a return-"
BWASSSH
And the water blasted right back into Harleen's face. "Oh, sorry." He winced. "Didn't mean to … hit you."
"...HAHAAHAAHAHAAHAHA! THAT WAS AWESOME! You turned my gag against me!" Harleen chuckled as she scooped the kid up. "What's you're name, little blue bean?"
"Iruma."
"Iruma, fancy name, I'mma gonna call you Iru!" The girl squeezed him in a tight hug. "Can I keep him Barbabelbabel?! He's so cute that I just wanna eat him up."
"You're a cannibal?" Iruma asked. "But you're so nice and gave me water?"
"HAHAHAHA, you even have a great sense of humor!" Harleen grinned. "Barbababelbal, where'd you find him?!"
"Only in the best place in all of Gotham city!" Barbra grinned. "He lives right in Crime Alley!"
"Ooooh, fun!" She smiled. "Where your folks!? I never see anyone down there."
"Ah, they dropped me when they were visiting. All I had was a blanket with my name." The boy said. "But I'll find them one day. I just need to learn how to survive first. Like finding food that people throw away, or how to make a blanket out of newspaper."
"..." Harleen turned to him. "Homeless?"
"Completely. Took him to my house and Dad tried to take him into the foster system, but he broke out."
"Oooh, little blue bean broke out of the slammer? Now he's DEFINITELY sticking with me!" Harleen chuckled. "You little Iru, are my new BFFEAEAEAE!"
"Yay, we're all besties!" Barbra shouted. "We're going to be the best besties in the history of besties!
"I have so many forever friends!" Iruma cheered. "This is almost better than a stomach full of burritos!"
"What about a stomach full of pies?" Harleen grinned as she threw one right into his face.
Chomp
And he ate it instantly. "Wow … you really ARE my friend!" The boy smiled. "Oh man, I need to get you guys food so we can all have full stomachs! Do you have a taste for old cheese and banana peels?"
"Only when using them to make people slip on the ground." Harleen giggled. "We're going to have the best time ever! Did you show him all the cool stuff yet Babsy Wabsy?"
"Almost." She smiled. "Just gotta wait for him to show up."
"I see what you mean." Harleen grinned. "Once Iru sees him, it'll all be worth it."
"Exactly." Barbra grinned. "And we're obviously talking about the same person."
"Oh I know we are Babsy Wabsy, which Is why I'm going to get all three of us front row seats!" Harleen chuckled. "I got inside scoops on where all the best action is for the best thing in all of Gotham!"
"Awesome!" Barbra cheered. "Lead the way Harley! You've never led me astray before!"
"And I never will, Barbabelbalbel!" Her first BFFEAEAEAE cheered as she placed the little blue bean on her shoulders. "Hold on tight, little Iru! The Harley express is taking off at full speed!"
"But there's no train tracks for three miles." The boy tilted his head.
"Hhahaaha, seriously, Babsy, this kid is too funny!" Her first BFFEAEAEAE giggled once more with her wonderful laugh. "I don't think I'm going to be letting him go anytime soon."
"You mean not even for an ultram mega super deluxe burrito supreme!?" She held out the burriote he was saving for later.
"Oooh, that is a hard bargain-"
Chomp
And Iruma had eaten it whole in one bite. "...Sorry, was that supposed to be shared?" He asked. "Everyone's been giving me so much food it's hard to say no."
"Jeez kid, don't you ever get full?" Harleen chuckled.
"Nah, it's easier to get hungry than it is to get full, so I stopped doing the later." Iruma shrugged. "I haven't felt full….actually I don't think I've ever been full before."
"...How many burritos do you think can cover that?" Barbra asked with a whisper.
"Probably more than your fund can cover." Harley nodded.
"Okay, when tonight is over, we both go to school, and work out a combined budget during lunch." She whispered.
"Don't worry, I got a few… favors I can call upon for that."
"Aww, you always have a plan for every occasion."
"Why are we whispering?" Iruma asked from their shoulders.
"Cause whispering is cool." Barbra whispered back as they all shared a giggle. This was starting off to be the best day ever!
Dick Grayson wouldn't have call this one of his worst days ever, not by a long shot. Thirteen years old and he's already spent the last two years doing stuff men three times his own age wouldn't even dare to dream of doing. But he would have definitely called this one of his most boring days ever. "Of course Bruce puts me on the day shift today. Why the heck not?"
He understood it of course. Bruce was too busy keeping up the image of 'billionaire playboy' and couldn't afford a dayshift in his schedule unless something as crazy as a Superman villain came to Gotham. Dick was a student that didn't have friends … which was not entirely his fault… entirely.
Being adopted by a billionaire sounded like a dream to most people, but for the first two months or so, dick barely remembered Bruce existed due to a combination of being left alone most of the time and just … having to get through his grief. If anything, Alfred was more of a dad to him than Bruce was ...
It was only after learning about his mask … or as few people would commnet, his 'real face', that Dick finally got a parental experience out of it. Given his circus background, it was kind of obvious in hindsight that he'd react better when he was fifty feet above the ground doing a quadruple backflip.
Of course, that came with its OWN set of caveats. Batman was a different animal than Bruce Wayne. Cool, capable, and smart, yes, but also cold, distant, and somehow even more out of touch with people than the billionaire playboy philanthropist. Maybe it was the muttering. Come on Bruce, what kind of crazy psycho could identify you just by your voice in and out of the mask?
And then of course laid into his current problem… Dick, or rather, Robin, felt more like a tool than a sidekick half the time. Just a way for Bruce to cover his ground whenever he couldn't make the time, like during the day… where BARELY ANY crime happened at all! Was it the costume? Was the bright red and yellow too obvious for night colors? Of course, the bright colors made it the most obvious thing for people to shoot at, aka, the areas where there was the most armor. And it was a tribute to the Graysons and his family, absolutely. But it didn't make criminals respect him any more… or Bruce for that matter.
Maybe he should up his arsenal a bit more. Batman had his batarangs, batmobile, batasers, batbombs, bat shark repellent (another thing Dick felt was overkill, but that was neither here nor now), and Dick has … a grappling hook. What, was he supposed to give everyone a concussion by swinging it around and hitting everyone? Sure he was agile and could kick grown men's ass's, but come on. If Bane ever came back to break Bruce's back, Dick would need more than just a Grappling hook to stop him!
Dick shook his head. He'd needed to get his brain focused on the issue at hand. A shipment of chemicals was reported to the abandoned warehouse shipment (seriously Gotham, it's like your ASKING villains to set up shop here), chemicals that were the exact ingredients for the Joker's laughing gas, and Robin's job here was to keep watch of the whole situation … and that's it. Batman didn't trust Robin to handle the Joker alone… which Dick was semi-agreeable to.
Sure, it was a guy in a clown costume … a guy in a clown costume that broke out of Arkham multiple times and set the city on fire more time than anyone could count, and captured Bruce who knows how many times. Anyone that could surprise the man was always going to be on his 'stay the hell away from' list.
So, just waiting … and waiting … and- "Ohmygoshit'sROBIN!" Shouted a feminine voice. What the fu-a purple blur jumped in front of him. "Hey there my name's Barbra it's so nice to meet you!"
"Agggh!"
"Oooh, are we at a circus?" Robin turned his head and noticed two MORE kids on the rooftop, a young blue headed kid on the shoulders of a girl with blonde pigtails.
"That's actually not too far off, I even packed peanuts!" The pigtail girl cackled as she threw the nuts in the air.
"Ooooh." The boy smiled as he chomped on them.
"What the-how did you kids get up here!?" He shout whispered.
"We just scaled the brick wall." The Japanese boy shrugged. "The bricks are so out of place it's like a ladder was built into it, nothing hard."
"That and my homemade grappling hook!" The red headed girl cheered as she fired some shoddy looking piece out … hitting him in the head.
"Ow!" Robin rubbed his forehead. "Watch it-why are you even here?! This isn't the place for civilians."
"No, but it's a place for batman, and if you're here, batman's sure to follow!" The red headed girl cheered. "So where is he!? Which shadow is he hiding in!?"
"This is a solo reconnaissance mission … because it's day." He growled.
"But… but you're here now…" The girl pouted.
"Yes, because last Batman heard, some criminal was doing things during the day and almost killed Commissioner Gordan's girl."
"Ooh, so you've heard of me!?" The girl cheered. "Wait, does that mean Batman knows about me!? Am I on his bat computer!?"
"... As the top five things Jim Gordan both loves and loves to complain about." He deadpanned.
"If you love something, why would you complain about it?" The boy asked.
"Complaining is another sign of love." The blonde girl with pigtails nodded.
"Cool, now how about you all go home now before I tell Gordan his daughter's sneaking out … again." Dick ordered.
"Alright alright, boy blunder, we'll get outta hair." The pigtail girl chuckled as she moved towards a vent.
"Boy blunder-what are you doing?" Robin glared.
"Nothin, nothin ... just taking this super secret super fun super slide I found three days ago!" She kicked in the vent and jumped in with the blue haired kid. "Geronimoooooookoooooooo!"
"AAAHHH!" The blue haired kid screamed.
"No you're not!" He shouted, pulling out his grappling hook and wrapping it around them. "Now you're going to-"
Crack
"... I think you forgot that these are abandoned warehouses, not fully furnished ones." The redhead said as the ceiling gave out under them.
"Weeeeeeee!" The pigtailed girl cheered as they fell.
"Ahhhhhh!" The blue haired boy screamed even more. "Do friends often fall to their doom together?!"
"Yes, yes they do!" The redhead called out.
Smack
Everyone fell on top of the pigtail girl he was dubbing 'Ms Crazy' as of now. "Hahahahaha, let's do that again!"
"Better idea, let's not." Robin groaned as the red head's boot kicked him from above. "Owww!"
"Sorry." She pulled away.
"Well well well, what do we have here?" They all turned to a very demented and colorful looking criminal scum, gazing at them with curiosity. "A little boy, two little girls, and a little birdie have come crashing into my lovely backstage set."
"Oh, our mistake." The Japanese boy said. "I thought it was an abandoned warehouse. If I knew it was a residence I would have knocked first."
The clown stared at the boy, snorting. "Alright, him I won't kill, just torture."
"Good for you Iru! You impressed the Joker!" Crazy girl chuckled. "Best day ever!"
"Why would that be a good thing!?" He shouted.
"Cause the Joker is the coolest person in ALL of Goatham!" She ran up to the psycho. "Can I get your autograph?"
"Are you insane!?" Robin shouted.
"Yeah!" The commissioner's daughter shouted. "Batman is the coolest, not the Joker!"
"That's not the main issue here!" Robin grumbled. He was only thirteen and he was already hating kids.
"Robin! Great to see you!" The Joker shouted with a large smile.
"... It is?" He asked skeptically.
"Of course, if you're here, then Batsy must be close by!" The clown exclaimed. "So, which shadow's holding my old chum?"
"He's … not here."
"... Tell me you're JOKING." He growled.
"I mean, the sun hasn't set yet, what did you expect?" He asked.
Joker groaned. "You know, I was fine with you at first. I have my underpaid henchmen, he has an underage boy in spandex. But now it's sounding like he actually thinks he should send you against villains." The madman sighed, kicking one of his goons in the knees. "Does he not take our relationship seriously anymore!? I commit a crime, he stops me, I break out, rinse and repeat! It's the perfect routine! Does he not respect that anymore!? Am I doing something wrong here!?"
"Of course you're not!" The crazy girl called out. "He's just loosing his sense of humor! I mean, he sends out the boy blunder here in short shorts and little elf shoes, there's clearly issues the man needs to work out."
"I mean I haaave been trying to drive him bonkers, but not like this." The man pouted. "Maybe I need to kill more people …"
"Or maybe you should be more funny." The blue haired kid asked. "Find out what makes him laugh, everyone has different senses of humor."
"… Are you saying I'm not funny?" And that line was number six on the list of 'things to absolutely get the fuck out of doge from'.
"Run!" He grabbed the blue haired kid.
"Capture them boys!" He shouted. "Mash their heads in until the only thing we can send the dork night is their pinkies in a envelope!"
"But I need my pinkies to eat!"
No one said the Joker didn't understand humor and lived to tell the tale. NO ONE! They escpially couldn't get away with insinuating the idea that he couldn't make Batsy laugh! He understood batsy better than anybody on the planet! Two sides of the same coin that would forever continue the never ending joke that was the insanity of Gotham even existing! "So no one out of the three of you can keep your mouths shut, can you!" The annoying little birdie that always kept getting in the way of his Batsy time called out to the other three children.
"I've never actually talked to this many people for so long before!" The little blue child called out as the bullets began flying right at them. "It's a very confusing experience for me all together to be honest!"
"Don't worry, once we get out of this, we'll look back on this day and laugh!" The red headed girl that looked somewhat familiar shouted with a cheer.
"If we live past this day!" The boy blunder shouted as he kicked a man in the face. "Now could you PLEASE start dragging your crazy fangirl away from the murderous psychopath!"
"So was your hair naturally green, or was that part of the chemicals that turned your skin white?" Said fangirl asked.
"Joker 27, buy bow at your early conveinence!" He chuckled as he squirted his green shampo on the ground, making the girl slip and slide into a crate.
"I just got gagged by the joker… BEST DAY EVER!" What a spirited little girl. If she wasn't so annoying, he could see her growing into quite the fine homicidal maniac.
"Maybe run away before he murders you!" Robin shouted.
"Aaah, what a dream …."
"No; don't die now; I just finally got a friend!" The blue haired boy called out, somehow rolling under all the bullets as he began grabbing the pigtailed girl off the ground.
"And you're my BFFEAEAEAE! I need to show you Batman's cooler!" The red head cried out as she joined in hauling her out.
"But the joker's funnier, so that objectively makes him better!"
"But he hasn't said one knock knock joke." The blue haired brat spoke with confusion. "What kind of comedian doesn't know the basics?"
"Here's a classics! Acid squirting flowers!" He shouted.
"Harley already did it with water, and it was much funnier then!" Definitely dying.
"Can't any of you bozos aim a gun right?" Joker groaned, pulling his own little bang flag projectile as it hit an overhead light, dropping it onto the kids. "Seriously, you just have to imagine shooting fish in a barrel at the carnival, except bigger and much more satisfying."
"You'll never get away with this you madman!" The red headed girl shouted from under the lights. "The joke of crime will end with the punchline that's your jawline on the floor!"
"Last I checked, you're the ones running away." He countered as he walked up to them. "Now, who here wants a good old taste of joker gas? It'll put a smile on your face." An eternal one.
"Oooh! Me! Me! I wanna taste, I wanna taste!" The blonde girl with pigtails held her hand up.
"Ooh, a volunteer, well in that case, Robin, you've been far too much a Debbie downer, time I turn that frown upside down!" He pulled out a canister, tossing it to the trapped children as his goons began running back in fear of being exposed. "Or better yet, best to leave my entire audience laughing!"
"Gaah, this isn't that type of cool stuff I wanted to show you Iruma! I'm sorry-iruma?" The red headed girl looked around. "Where'd he go?"
"And when did a hole get here?" The boy blunder asked …. Wait what?
"See, this is Harley's flower." The blue haorwd boy appeared in front of him, holding his own squirt flower. "And this is how it works."
Fwooooooossssssh
"Waaaaaghghhhhhhh!" Joker found himself being sent into a wall as two tons of water pressure smashed him against the bricks.
"A lot more funny than what you've been doing."
"Kid, help us get out of here!" The boy blunder shouted.
"Can't you just use the hole I dug?"
"Already done, Iru!" The blonde one chuckled as she held the blue one by the face. "Aww, you used my gag on the joker! This is the best gift anyone has ever given me! Thank you!"
"Happy to help!" Gaaah, this was getting way too sappy for his taste.
"Quite the show indeed." Joker clapped, extending his hand, his special joy buzzer charged. "Put er there."
"Sure." The blue haired boy reached out-
Zap-
SWOOSH
Only for the boy to duck out of the way at the last minute, making Joker stumble to the ground. "You might want to get your hand checked. I don't think it's supposed to spark like that."
"No, it's supposed to kill you." He grumbled, going for a normal punch.
"Wow, you're rude." The boy ducked again. "Who kills people with handshakes? That makes you both a liar and a jerk."
"Well you don't survive this city by being nice." He threw a kick.
Which was sidestepped. "I have. Maybe you're just really bad at this." The kid grabbed his leg.
"Hey! Let go you little twerp!"
"No, this way you can't kick me and we can talk things out."
"Ah, but that leads to drawn out pauses that punch you in the gut." To which he used his spring loaded boxing glove-
SMACK
….which hit Joker… right in the groain when the kid let go. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"
"HAHAHAHAHA! Crotch shots are one thing, but self inflicted crotch shot!?" The red headed girl cackled as the rest of the brats freed themselves. "HAHAHAHAAHA, Oh that's too good for words."
"... So can we talk now or-" The brat was lifted up by Robin.
"Let's leave before the nutjob gets his act together. Because I seriously doubt he would be on Batman's 'stay away' list if we've been able to get away with this much."
"You mean we're not even going to tie him up? But I have my grappling hook ready!" The red headed girl cheered… as some shoddy looking gun fired off… and hit him in the face.
"GAGGGGH! I HATE TODAY!" Joker shouted. "No Batman, no dead kids! This is worst than speaking to my therapist at Arkham!"
"Oooh, I can be your therapist instead!" The blonde girl squealed. "Tell me all your secrets."
"How about you three go away now, far away from here, before I get Commissioner gordon on speed dial?" The boy blunder rolled his eyes.
"Party pooper." The red headed girl groaned.
"Tell me about it." Joker grumbled. Kid's just ruined all the fun out of crime. If he had a crowbar right now., he'd be bashing all their heads in.
Harleen smiled as she walked into the comic shop. "I met the Joker …" Best day ever.
"We also beat up the Joker." Babsy spoke up. "I was just like Batman! And I did it with my best friends!"
"Yeah, just like Batman." The one thing that ruined the best thing in all of Gotham, the one man that gave this drab little town a little bit of color to it! And he made people laugh, what was better than that!?"
"... So why was he a big deal?" Her new BFFEAEAEAE questioned with a cute head tilt that resembled a baby bird. "He was a terrible clown. He didn't make me smile once."
"Guess he's just a required taste." Harley shrugged as she ruffled his head.
"Besides, you're already a funnier clown than he is." Little Iru nodded. "You both smile and give me food. What is there NOT to love about you?"
"Awww. Definitely a great find, Babsy." She chuckled. "So, you like your baby Batman experience?"
"Better than sitting around in the garbage all day, that's for sure." Iru smiled with a nodd. "I don't understand the superhero thing really, but the fact we enjoyed something together makes this one of the best day's I've had in a long time."
"And every day is gonna be like that forever and ever." Babsy grinned
"Wow, more fun days than a hundred weeks. I didn't think I'd live that long."
"Boy, for someone so cheery he's kind of bleak." Harley whispered to Babsy.
"No family or house, and no school."
"Lucky."
"I know, right, but he also keeps eating trash, so as new designated BFFEAEAEAE's to this innocent bean, it's our job to show him there's more fun to be had than just the gargbage of Gotham!"
"It's not just the garbage." The boy said. "… Sometimes it's the animals that live in them too."
"Oh, don't worry, Irururruru, you don't have to have your head in the gutters, literally, today, cause now we're in the SECOND bestest best place in all of Gotham, perhaps even the world!" Harley spun around in a little dance. "Welcome… to the world of comics!"
"Comics, like those pictures of cats eating lasagna in the newspapers?" Iruma asked. "Does that mean we're buying blankets?"
"No, you silly billy…. Although buying you a blanket is probably something we'll have to do later…ohh, I could knit you a batblanket you could wear as a cape, that way we can be matchers and have them flow in the wind!" Babsy chuckled. "But no, comics are MORE important than blankets, some could say they're even more important than food!"
"But food keeps me alive."
"And Comics give us REASONS to be alive!" Harley squished his soft little face. "From week to week, sometimes even month to month, a brand new world of literature and wonder pops into the store, insighting and imparting us with the secrets of the universe! Secrets that are vital and important for everyday life!"
"You mean they can tell us what hotdog's are made out of?" He asked.
"No … that's the one mystery I'm still cracking." Babs noted. "Anyway, walk around and see what image you like. Me and Harleen will make sure you can get it for yourself."
"..You guys keep getting me stuff.. You sure you're not going to run out of money?" Iruma asked.
"Oh trust me, Iru, money is NEVER an issue when it comes to friends." A true friend was willing to steal anything for the people they loved.
"... Thank you.." The little cutie sniffed as he hugged the both of them. "I promise to pay you two back somehow."
"Just pick something that you like, that's more than enough payment for us." Babsy grinned with a nod.
"Understood." He nodded, walking around and looking at everything.
"… So, you looked for Batman during the day again?" Harley asked.
"He's the most awsomest hero ever, I got excited!"
"Yeah.. the hero that's known to come out at night." She giggled. "This is why the Joker can always beat him. Mistah J doesn't have a bedtime, he's a clown 24/7!"
"But we beat him." Babs pointed out. "Us, a couple of small kids."
"True, but he failed in an entertaining and funny way that put a smile on my face!"
"I'm pretty sure that was mainly due to Iruma turning all his gags against him."
"Every punchline has a good set up, and the joker knows how to set it up." Harleen insisted. "After all, a good clown knows how to make anything, even defeat, hilarious!"
"But is it the defeated that's more impressive, or the defeatie? Cause Batman outwits him a thousand to one everytime!"
"Oh please, Batman can't outwit a man playing checkers using chess moves. Mr J's unpredictable."
"Iruma predicted him."
"That's cause-"
"I found something." They both turned to little Iru … holding up a romance novel with a picture of a knight holding a princess in his arms. "They look so fluffy and happy." The kid grinned. "It's like a fantasy …"
"...You sure that's what you want?" Harley asked as she and Babsy shared a look.
"Yep."
"The romance book about the cliche princess and knights?"
"Yep."
"The one with all the kissing and hand holding."
"Sounds like a dream."
"Nothing else catches your eyes?" Babsy asked. "Nothing more… actiony and blood pumping."
"...No, not really. I spend most of my day surrounded by action already. That would basically be reading my whole life, and that would get boring."
"What about the horror comics?" Harleen asked. "With cool monsters and scares and blood?"
"Again, that's just boring old everyday life." He shrugged. "And nothing's scarier than going hungry."
"...Well, everyone has their own tastes." Babsy shrugged, pulling Harleen in. "And we still have PLENTY of time to turn him into a batman fan yet!"
"Or a Joker fanatic!"
"Batman!"
"Joker!"
"Batman!"
"Joker!"
"First one to convince him to like their respective idol has to dress up like said idol for halloween for every single year for the rest of their lives!" Barbra laid down her challenge.
"Deal!" Harley grinned. "So, what's the book called?"
"No idea! Can't read!" Iruma nodded. "I just really like the illustrations."
"..." Both her and Barbra looked to each other… and laughed. "Pfftthahaahahaahaahahaha!"
"Did … I say something funny?" He asked.
"You always do, Iru." Harley chuckled. "You always do."