TW: SA for this chapter. If you are going to have problems with the subject of SA, please don't read! Take care of yourself!
"I'm here for a good time not a long time," Maisy giggled.
"Maisy!" exclaimed Olivia, "I don't want to hear you say that, that's not a nice thing to say."
"Why?" she challenged her, "because it makes you uncomfortable? Please don't worry Olivia, I'm not sad," she smiled, "I like to say it because I am tired of feeling uncomfortable and its nice to make people feel awkward, is that rude?"
Olivia was taken aback by the child's out-of-the-blue show of maturity and strong grasp of mortality. She rose an eyebrow at her before letting her comment go. "Maise, how was your appointment with Dr. Kildare today?"
"Fine…" she shrugged.
"How is the brace going?" she wondered.
"Its fine," she repeated, "I can take it off when I sleep so its okay."
"Are you wearing it now?" Olivia asked. The child nodded. "Well, that's great, I can't even tell."
When she didn't respond, Olivia tried a different approach. "So, I'm going to ask you a direct question today, Maisy and if you feel comfortable, I want you to be as honest as you can, okay?"
"Okay," she replied.
Olivia realized that she was stepping in to dangerous waters, but she couldn't shake the hunch that had bothered her for a week proceeding her last appointment with the girl. "I noticed last time that I asked you about Dr. Kildare you didn't want to talk about him. I want to know if Dr. Kildare upset you or did something that made you feel uncomfortable." She asked the question gingerly, "and if he did, you can tell me…"
Maisy shook her head emphatically, "no, no, no…"
Olivia stared at her, waiting for her to follow it up with something. "I'm sorry if I upset you by bringing it up," she said finally, "I am just worried about you and how your behaviour changes when we discuss doctor Kildare."
Tears slid down Maisy's cheeks without warning and Olivia knew her hunch was right. "Maisy…" she began calmly, "I'm really concerned about you but I can see that you're not ready to talk about this."
"Dr Kildare is fine, he didn't do anything."
Olivia knew there was nothing else she could do. She had to take the child's word for it and she couldn't continue pushing. It ate her up inside to know that she was protecting someone. She theorized that perhaps it wasn't even about the doctor, maybe something the doctor had done had triggered a feeling or a previous trauma.
"Okay," Olivia nodded. "I can tell that you're upset over this, so … why don't we stop talking about feelings for now and we can do an activity instead?"
She handed a tissue to her patient who nodded in agreement.
/
"Do you think I should?" Alexis asked softly to her co-worker, "is it weird if I do?"
Liz laughed, eyeing Olivia as she walked by. "You seem to be the only person she's spoken to all week, I dunno, she does seem stuck up, I was giving her the benefit of the doubt before, you know? Being new…"
"Mmm" Alexis glanced up at Olivia as she stood in the doorway of a room just in front of the nurse's station. She was wearing a simple black dress with a soft pink knit over her shoulders. Alexis couldn't take her eyes off Olivia's long, shapely legs. "I don't know that she's stuck up, she just takes her job seriously. She just has resting-bitch-face, I think."
They both chuckled.
"I dunno," Liz shrugged, "I thought she was nice but she's made it all awkward since she refuses to deal with Trev, I don't get it, she's acting like a child. I mean, from a purely straight perspective, she's hot… go for it if that's what you want…"
Alexis smiled at her friend, "I know this is probably the most chauvinistic thing I've ever said, but I'm not looking for love, but I haven't been able to stop looking at her since she started – she can be a bitch all she wants, I just want to make out with her."
They both laughed. "You're right, that is the most chauvinistic thing I've heard you say."
/
Trevor hated that Olivia had been giving him the cold shoulder – he had tried emailing through an apology after she had asked him not to speak to her the morning after he'd unintentionally insulted her approach to a patient. She only spoke to him when it came to a patient and wouldn't engage him any further.
He felt a little deflated every time that she passed him – if she was smiling, the smile dropped and he couldn't help but to feel incredibly disappointed with her behaviour. Even the nurses had commented on it and he had to reel them back from being so quick to jump on his side without knowing the details.
"Trevor…." he turned around and saw Olivia standing outside Evie's room, "Trevor, can you please come here," she called out; there was a little urgency in her voice. She had either clearly forgotten that she wasn't speaking to him – or something was wrong.
"Yeah?" he got to the door way but Olivia had already entered with him trailing. "Evie, honey, do you know what day it is?" Olivia asked her.
Trevor watched the little girl's pupils jerking, her chin jutting, trying to get some control over her own movements. She whimpered in fear and Trevor and Olivia exchanged glances. "Evie, it's okay honey, just relax," Trevor told her calmly, "Dr Olivia and I are here with you. Can you see?"
"I can't stop it," her voice was slurred.
"She's having mini seizures," Trevor murmured, he drew in a deep breath and released it; concerned with the little girl's panic above all else.
"I don't have a lot of experience with brain stuff, not like you do," she replied, "but will more Lorazepam help the seizures?"
He nodded. "Yeah." He pushed the nurse's emergency button until Alexis arrived. "Alexis, could you please get me a 4-5mg oral dose of Lorazepam as quickly as possible?"
"Sure," she replied.
"Just relax, honey…" Olivia repeated to her. "We're going to make you feel better in just a few minutes, promise."
She glanced at Trevor who stilled the little girl's face and pulled a little pencil light from his pocket to check on her vision. "I know, I know…" he empathized when she called out in fear, "it feels really scary, but we're right here and we're not going to let anything bad happen."
Olivia took the girl's hand as she called out for her Mom. It was like a punch to Liv's soul. She hated that she could do nothing about it. Alexis returned with the Lorazepam and Trevor cross checked the medication with her and put on a pair of gloves. He took the small wafer-like dose. "Evie, are you able to open your mouth for me? I am going to pop the medication in beneath your tongue and it'll make you feel better."
After a couple of attempts, Trevor asked her to lift her tongue, "be careful," Olivia warned him, knowing that seizing patients could clamp down by accident. He concentrated carefully and successfully put the medication beneath her tongue.
Olivia asked Alexis to hook Evie up to a monitor for her SATs and BP.
"You don't have to stay…" Trevor told Liv, looking a little stunned by what had happened. "I have to send her down for another CT asap, I think."
"I don't want another one," she moaned, after a few moments her eyes had stopped jerking and fluttering and she had better control over her motor skills again.
"I know," Trevor replied soothingly, "but this time they won't have to put the needle in because you already did that last week, so it'll just be in the machine and back out and you won't have to worry," he smiled at her.
Olivia couldn't help but to feel a blanket of warmth come over her whenever she watched the doctor show a more human side – almost fatherly. She remembered he'd mentioned he was divorced – she wondered if he was actually a father himself.
"I don't want to…please can we do it when Mommy and Daddy get here?"
Olivia glanced at her watch, "You know what," she began, "why don't I come down with you," she smiled at the little girl, "I can take you down myself and I can bring you back and we'll see what food treats we can find along the way…"
Trevor smiled at her. He would have opted to take her, but he had outpatients to see. "See, it won't be so bad with Dr. Olivia there, right? She's lots of fun and she won't mind holding your hand if you need…"
The little girl nodded but her eyes were filming over with water. "I know that you miss your Mommy and Daddy, especially when things get a bit scary," Olivia told her, "but I'm here, Dr Trevor is here and all of the nurses… if you need to talk, you can just ring your buzzer or ask for us and we'll come and see you as soon as we can."
She stroked the girl's hair and gave her a warm smile. "Would you like a hug?" she asked Evie.
Evie nodded, sniffing. Olivia leaned over and hugged the child's tiny body, rubbing her back. "We're here to take care of you, Evie, okay?"
"Okay," she murmured.
Trevor watched the woman show an abundance of compassion toward the sweet little girl. He knew it wasn't really the done thing for a therapist to cross physical lines, but he was glad that she didn't entirely play by the rule book – in pediatric critical care, sometimes all the rules had to go out the window because each child had individual needs.
Olivia released her and she laid back down. "What do you think, Dr Trev, should we race Evie down in a wheel chair with the speed of a racing car driver, or should we let her rest in bed while someone else does the work, pushing her along?" he realized it was her way of asking if she was well enough to get out of bed.
He smiled at her, feeling a bit of fondness for his new counterpart. "I think the chair, how do you feel about that, Evie?"
She was able to giggle. "Do you think you can trust Olivia to navigate the speed wheels without disaster?" he joked.
Evie nodded and giggled again.
"Excellent. I'll go order the scan, Dr Olivia could you help me with that?" he asked.
She knew that he felt like working together with a patient meant that they were friendly again, but she wasn't in the mood. She had pencilled in some time to visit Justin, not as a therapy visit but just to say hello. She knew he was in a bad way and for her own selfish purposes she wanted to see him before he passed.
"What do you need?" she asked as they left the room.
"Firstly, thank-"
"Don't patronize me, Trevor, I am doing this for her and I'm forgoing a visit with Justin to do it," she cut him off, "get someone to give me a buzz in my office when it's time to take her down to radiology."
"Olivia, why are you like this?" he asked, annoyed by the way she continually snapped at him, "I apologized, I was rude to you, but I was right to tell you to be careful because I was looking out for you."
"I don't need you looking out for me, I have a job to do and that is to protect these children, nothing more and nothing less!" she hissed at him, not wanting to cause a scene, but the nurses and other staff were staring.
She felt herself heating with anger as she turned away from him and marched back to her office.
"Wow, she's a bitch…" Liz exclaimed, her eyes wide with shock at their public spat in the middle of the corridor as she and Trevor both watched Olivia storm off.
"Liz!" Trevor exclaimed, annoyed. He felt angry with her too, but he didn't need anyone to fight his battles or join his side – he didn't want anyone to be rude to her. "Don't let me hear you call anyone that again."
The senior nurse rolled her eyes. "Don't be a push-over, Trevor, we're tired of seeing it."
"Don't call her a bitch. She's not a bitch, I'm just … putting my foot in my mouth as always. Can you please organize for Evie to have an emergency CT and contact Olivia in her office when they're ready for her, she's going to take her down personally."
"I can see the way you look at her, Trevor, but I don't think she's in to… your kind."
He made a face as she took the paperwork for the CT from him. "What are you talking about?" He played dumb, but he was pretty sure that he knew exactly what Liz was saying. "I don't look at her in any way – can you stop gossiping and do your job?" he snapped, heading back to his own office.
/
It had been a long day and she had noticed an increasingly hostile reception from the nurses every day. Justin was holding on longer than anyone expected and she had been visiting with him every afternoon.
The emotions of that had began to take it's toll too.
She knew her work colleague's hostility was due to her fractured relationship with Trevor. He stopped trying to apologize or be her friend and she was thankful – it was easier to not have to have any emotional connections – but it was starting to feel a little isolating and lonely in the city that felt so big it could swallow her up and spit her out.
She longed to call Charlotte – she was the best person to talk to when Liv felt upset. Charlotte was always waiting at home with a glass of red wine, her warm eyes open to hearing all about her day and offering her a hug or a word of advice – or sometimes just her ear.
There was a surge of relief when Alexis had stopped by her office as she was getting ready to leave; she asked Olivia to sign off a few forms and paused looking at her with an empathetic look. "How was Justin today?" she asked.
Olivia shrugged, "he's still very lucid, enjoying the time with his family…"
"Is he the first patient that you've had to watch deteriorate?" she wondered, tucking a lock of blond hair behind her ear almost self-consciously.
Olivia looked the blue-eyed woman and smiled wryly. "Unfortunately, no… but it's been a long time."
"You look like you need a good drink, why don't I uh…" she stammered almost nervously, "why don't I take you to my favourite bar after I finish work?" she thought for a moment, expecting Olivia to immediately say no, "I could meet you there – if you like."
She decided it would have been nice to have at least one ally – someone to have a drink with, someone to commiserate with. "Okay, sure… do I need to dress up…or?"
Alexis smiled at her, sweeping her eyes over Olivia's frame, "Well, maybe just stay in your dress," she replied, trying not to stare at the white material pulled firm over her breasts. Olivia Benson was definitely a sight.
"Cool…I'm on my way out so … I'm sure you can grab my number from the on-call sheet, shoot me a text when you're ready?"
"Sounds great, Liv, it'll be great getting to know you a bit better."
Olivia felt a little awkward, but smiled back.
/
"Oh no," Alexis put her hand over Olivia's at the bar and smiled, "I invited you out, it's my treat."
Olivia felt a little awkward by the physical contact; she figured she had been starved for it for so long that it felt foreign.
Alexis looked gorgeous, turning up in a black silk tank top that showed a lot of her small chest with layers of necklaces and her hair tied up off of her face. She wore a pair of black pants and heels. She had put in a little effort and Olivia felt bad that she'd all but taken off her make up and by comparison felt very unattractive.
"Thank you," she murmured, taking the vodka on the rocks. "I'll buy the next drinks…" she promised.
Alexis sipped her rum and coke through a straw and smiled at Olivia, "We don't really get the chance to socialize much at work, I know you're super busy, but honestly I just thought it would be nice to hang out."
"Well… thanks," she felt awkward and uncomfortable and couldn't quite place why. At the base of it, she realized Alexis was probably a lot younger than her and couldn't quite figure out why she all-of-a-sudden wanted to be friends. However, given the loneliness she'd been experiencing, she didn't want to spend yet another night alone.
"Thank you for agreeing, what do you think of the bar?" she asked, looking around as if she were proud of the average watering-hole that smelled like beer. It wasn't her first choice of the kind of place she would have frequented; the music was a little too loud and people were a little too clumsy with their drinks.
"It's busy," was all Olivia could muster with a nod. "Vodka's good, company is good," she replied, trying to loosen up a little bit.
"Cheers," Alexis held up her glass and they clinked.
"So what's the story with Trevor?" she asked, "you guys still aren't talking?"
"I don't have a problem with Trevor," Olivia replied matter-of-factly, "I am not not talking to him, we just don't have anything to say."
Alexis laughed, "Very diplomatic, okay, okay, I won't pry – but even though he can be a dick sometimes, he has a very, very good heart."
"Oh," Liv sipped her drink, "I can see that, I can tell he's got a great heart and he is very good at his job, that's totally admirable, but I dunno, we just don't really mesh, I suppose, but there's no problem," she shrugged.
"Right…" Alexis accepted her answer. "I'm sorry if anyone at work has been frosty toward you, they just love Trevor so much…"
Olivia laughed and felt instantly regretful that she'd taken up the invitation. "It's fine, I go to work to do a job, Alexis, I don't need everyone to want to be my friend."
"That's fair, so California, huh?" she sipped her drink, "what's it like to live in crazy town?"
Olivia took a large mouthful of her drink and set down the empty glass, ignoring the burn that the vodka left in her throat, not flinching at all. "I grew up in L.A but I lived in Southern California for most of my adult life until just recently. I miss the beach, but …I don't miss LA traffic."
"Wait, all of your adult life?" Alexis laughed, "you make yourself sound like you're in your 40s or something."
Olivia laughed, wishing that she had even more alcohol, realizing that Alexis was probably in her early 20s and they had absolutely nothing in common but workplace gossip. "Almost."
Alexis balked. "Really? No way, you look ..I don't know? Maybe 30?"
"That's very kind. I'm 39," she replied. "What about you?"
Covering up her shock, Alexis replied quickly, "I'm 24, but… I'd like to think I'm mature. I have my life all planned out…"
Olivia almost laughed but was careful not to patronize her. She remembered what it was like to think she could map out her entire life. She was certainly nowhere near the person she'd hoped she would be at 24. "It's nice that you know what you want, it takes some people a lot of time to figure that out."
Alexis just smiled at Olivia wanted to get another drink, but with a sinking feeling, Liv realized that if they stayed longer, it would just get more awkward.
"Did you want another drink?" the young blonde asked.
"Mmm, maybe not, that vodka hit pretty hard," Olivia replied with a laugh, "plus, I do have outpatient care in the morning," she added.
"You are such a workaholic," she gave Olivia a playful slap on her knee. Liv glanced down, raising her eyebrow. She wasn't sure if she was reading too much in to it, but things started to fall in to place.
"Maybe, but its fine, it suits me," she replied, watching Alexis lift her hand from her leg and smile at her in a way that she knew said more than friendship. "Well, I certainly, for one, love coming to work and seeing your beautiful face…" she told her meaningfully, staring in to Olivia's eyes.
"Oh Alexis," she stopped short, she shook her head. "That's really sweet of you but… I think," she paused and pinched the bridge of her nose, feeling overwhelmed and frustrated by the attention.
"Don't worry, Olivia, I'm not like a stage-five clinger lesbian, I just think you're beautiful and I thought that since you're in to women and I'm in to…" she paused and looked her over, drinking her in, "you… that we could just, I dunno, enjoy the company."
"Wait, was this a date?" Olivia asked, shocked and furthermore she wondered how the hell Alexis would know what sexuality she identified with. Trevor, she could have screamed, wanting to throttle him. How dare he, she thought, fury filling her.
"Well—yeah, wait, did you not know that?" Alexis asked, her face turning red, "oh my gosh, I'm so sorry—"
"Its okay," Olivia said, getting up, "but… I don't date people I work with, I'm incredibly flattered," she paused, "but… you're-"
Alexis folded her arms across her chest, suddenly slighted, "I'm what?"
"You're a work colleague – please don't take offence to that, but I don't know what rumours you've heard, but I'm sorry that you have the wrong idea about me."
"So you're not a lesbian?" she asked hotly, annoyed and upset with Olivia, feeling embarrassed and rejected.
"No," she replied to the young nurse who stood up too, throwing down some cash on the bar, "I'm not a lesbian, but I do think you're beautiful and smart and you don't need to hang out with some old maid like me…"
She rolled her eyes at Olivia's attempt at humour. "So you didn't leave an ex girlfriend back in SoCal?"
Olivia felt something shift inside of her; genuine hurt that Trevor told them. "I did," she admitted slowly, "but I can't explain that to you, Alexis, it's not really anyone's business and I'm sorry that Trevor gave you the wrong information-"
"Trevor?" she gave her a quizzical glare. "Trevor didn't tell me anything, your ex called on your second week because you weren't returning her calls, I left the message for you in your office."
Fuck, Olivia thought.
"I'm sorry, Alexis, I've gotta go…" she knew her work colleague was embarrassed, but she was too – humiliated; thinking that somebody wanted to genuinely be her friend. By Alexis' own admission, she didn't care about doing much expect hanging out. Olivia felt she was at least owed a little more than that.
She grabbed her hand bag and made her way out of the dive bar that she hoped to never have to visit again.
/
Olivia was to see Maisy at 10 after a follow-up with Wilson and Kildare and a new Renal specialist. She made her way across the hospital to see Justin. She knew after the night she had, it'd serve her well to see him, to gain some perspective.
She glanced in the door and saw something that immediately made her breath catch. "No…" she said out loud, not realizing the volume of her voice.
His parents both looked up from where they were surrounding his empty bed, taking things from the table and the few comfort items he'd had stuck to the wall behind his bed. "I'm so sorry," she said quickly, steeling herself, "I'm so sorry for your loss," she breathed.
"Thank you Dr. Benson," Justin's father said softly. Both parents were tearful, but not lost in grief. It was normal, the shock of the situation wouldn't hit them for weeks until the funeral was over, the guests stopped checking in and everyone else's world began to turn again.
Wiping her eyes, his mother turned to her. "Justin loved talking to you, Dr Benson, I know he pretended he was too cool for it, but… he really did love it when you visited him." Olivia tried hard not to let herself cry.
She stared at the empty bed, remembering the small lifeless body upon the operating table.
She remembered the surreal feeling of literally having a child's heart in her hands, massaging it as Franklin angrily directed her. She remembered him sighing and taking off his gloves and throwing them in the waste basket, leaving Olivia fighting for the child's heart to continue beating.
"Don't bother, just call it…" he called out over his shoulder as if the whole thing bored him.
She didn't stop, she kept going until she had to be pulled away.
She blinked away the thoughts and realized that her hands were shaking and water had filmed her eyes.
"It was Justin's time…" his mother came to her side and placed a hand on Olivia's upper arm. She felt embarrassed that she was the one who was being comforted, "it happened fast, but he was at peace," she told Olivia.
"I'm sorry," Olivia wiped a tear that escaped her eye. "This is so inappropriate of me," she said quickly.
"No," his mother told her warmly, "it shows that you're human, Dr Benson, that you cared for our son."
She wiped another tear away. She thought about Trevor briefly and how saddened he would be; she knew that Justin was one of his favourite patients – he had spent a lot of time with him.
"You and Trevor were so wonderful with our son," his Dad piped up, "we could not have asked for more…"
"When… when did it ha-" Olivia choked on her words.
"Last night—but it's okay," his Dad said as if to assure her, "Trevor was here with us and helped us make him comfortable… it was Justin's time."
Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded, feeling stupid – too scared to say a word in case she broke down. She felt for Trevor too. Despite whatever weirdness had settled between them, he was human and he felt the weight of the plight of each and every single one of his patients; he had to have been hurting.
She dismissed the thoughts of Franklin, of how very little he cared; of how he had left her to give the news of the routine surgery gone wrong to the parents of the 5 year old that she had worked on.
Justin's parents were more poised, calmer – the pre-grief of the months of helping him fight his battle had prepared them better than the shock of two young people who had expected their son would be absolutely fine despite there always being some kind of risk associated with open-heart surgery.
"Thank you for choosing me to be a part of Justin's journey," Olivia spoke slowly and carefully. "He was a wonderful kid."
His mother nodded in agreement. "He left something for you… and Trevor too, but we haven't had the chance to see Trevor, do you think you could pass it on?"
Olivia was surprised. She took two envelopes – the chicken scratch writing clearly marking which was for whom. "Oh… wow, thank you."
"Justin didn't have a lot of friends," his Dad told her, "I guess that happens when you have a terminal illness, so he valued the time he spent with his doctors, with you, you guys became his friends – or at least that familiar person that gave him comfort when he was unsure…"
Olivia was finding it harder and harder to keep herself together. "Thank you… for telling me that," she managed a very tight smile as tears glassed her eyes. "He spent most of his time rolling his eyes and sighing heavily at me, it was hard to tell."
They both laughed lightly; like two people who hadn't just lost their son. She understood though, she remembered losing her mother and how despite the loss, things felt bizarrely normal immediately after it happened. It took awhile for the reality to sink in.
For them, it was going to be small things – taking out a dose of medication for him in the morning; seeing his shoes at the front door when they arrived home from work – the lingering presence of a ghost who haunted their lives until they were ready to let go.
"Justin loved to pretend he didn't care… but he did."
"I know," she nodded, "he always had a way of making me feel like he was there to shrink me," she chuckled lightly too. She sighed, "I'm just so sorry…"
"Thank you, Dr. Benson, thank you very much."
She said goodbye and made her way out, back up to her own ward. She had approximately 20 minutes to get herself together for Maisy's appointment.
Suddenly the evening before with Alexis seemed insignificant and stupid, and her concern for how they should act around one another was long forgotten.
She saw that Trevor's office door was closed and she felt relieved. She put the envelope from Justin in the inbox by his office door and crossed the room to her own office and closed the door. She checked her emails to make sure she had her schedule organized. She put the envelope from Justin on the desk and tried not to look at it.
She wiped her eyes that felt like they were continually watering.
Her desk phone rang, almost making her jump a mile. She cleared her throat and sniffed as if there was a possibility that the person on the other end could see her. She took a deep breath and picked up, "Olivia Benson?" she offered as if it was a question, it could only be the nurse station or one of the other specialists.
"Olivia, it's me, are you with a patient right now?" Trevor's voice sounded different on the phone, deeper, articulate and if she was honest, a little soothing – the natural bass of his tone was like a hum in to the receiver.
"Maisy Beashel is coming in to see me any minute," she replied despite the fact that she still had fifteen or so minutes, "what's up?"
"I have some news, could you let me know when you have maybe… a short break?" he didn't want to tell her right before an appointment.
"Justin?" she asked him, "I just came from seeing his parents."
"Oh…" Trevor's voice trailed off. He wondered if she was at all bothered by the loss of the 15-year-old. "Are you feeling okay about it?"
"Not really," she replied honestly, "his parent's gave me something that he had for us, I put it in your tray…"
"Thanks Liv. If you need to talk, I'm just across the hall, okay?" his voice was warm and kind and she felt thankful for the gesture. She swallowed her own ego and sniffed.
"Same," she paused, feeling awkward, "I mean, if you need to talk…"
"Thanks," he said, "I might take you up on that later… but, let's just try to get through the day as best we can," he sounded tired, she thought.
She still had a little bit of time before her appointment. "Justin's Mom said you were with them last night, have you been to bed yet?"
"No," he replied, "I haven't been home. I have an hour free at 10:30 so I'm gonna get a quick sleep in somewhere."
She laughed in sheer surprise. "I think room 12 is free actually, go have a nap there… I'm about to run down and get a coffee before Maisy, what do you want? I'll get you one."
"Oh, you're an angel," he chuckled, "double shot latte, the biggest size available, no sugars."
Olivia managed a laugh. "Okay, are you on rounds or—" she wondered.
"About to start, but I'll probably just be with my first patient… I think it's Joel."
"I'll find you," she replied, "better run."
"Thanks Olivia," he said as he hung up, feeling relieved that despite their differences, she was able to act warm and kind toward him, recognizing his loss too.
/
Olivia brushed aside the feeling of unease in the pit of her stomach and smiled at Maisy who sat with her Mom in the waiting area outside her office. "Hiii!" she waved.
Maisy looked miserable. She lifted her hand to say hello but didn't smile or say a word. Her mother said hello brightly back. "I won't be very long, I just have to go and deliver a coffee to someone," she winked.
She went in to her office and set her own down and came back out to find Trevor. She heard his voice as she got closer to Joel Rivkin's room. She knocked softly on the door. The curtain was pulled around his bed. Trevor's head popped around the curtain. He smiled at her and she had to admit, his kind smile was the first bit of pleasantness she had felt since she got to work.
"Thank you so much," he was genuinely grateful and pleased to see her acting warm toward him once again. "can you organise an IV for this to go right in to my veins?" he chuckled.
Olivia laughed. "Enjoy it. Make sure you get some rest."
/
"Dr. Benson, do you think we could have a quick word?" Maisy's Mom jumped up out of her seat.
Olivia glanced at Maisy who looked at the ground between her feet and didn't bother looking up. "Of course," she replied, smiling at the mother. "Come in to my office," she motioned for the parent to step in first.
Maisy's mother looked back at her daughter, "Honey, I will be two seconds, okay?"
"Okay," she replied quietly.
Olivia closed the door behind her. "I'm so sorry," Liv apologized, "I can't remember your name."
"Holly," she smiled. "Holly Beashel."
"Is everything okay with Maisy?" Olivia wondered.
"Uh, I don't know… I took her in renal care this morning and she froze up. She's had a little bit of an attitude for about a week and it's literally come from nowhere. This is not my little girl. She's been back-talking and seems just… uninterested in all of the things we normally enjoy together."
"Hmm," Olivia thought for a moment, "what happened when she visited with renal care? What are they checking on?"
"Just checking her kidneys for any kind of scarring or abnormalities from ongoing cystitis."
Olivia winced, "poor thing…"
"She wouldn't let the doctor even touch her today, it was almost a regressed tantrum."
"Okay," Olivia nodded, "well, I'll have a talk to her about that, maybe she's just having a phase of being fed-up with all the medical stuff, it does happen and it's entirely normal."
"I know," Holly agreed, "it's just hard enough to keep up with without having her fight me all the way."
"Understood," Liv smiled. "Leave her with me, we'll see what we can come up with."
"Thank you Dr. Benson," she said softly. "I'll go wait outside."
"Why don't you go get yourself a coffee and a treat, you sound like you deserve it." Olivia told her, following her to the door. "Hey Mais, why don't you come on in," she smiled at the little girl who she was happy to see had a small bottle of water, she wouldn't have to feel bad about drinking her coffee in front of her.
"Be good, babe, Mom'll be here when you're done, okay?" Holly stood with her daughter in the doorway of Olivia's office. Maisy nodded as her mother leaned over and kissed her cheek.
"See you soon," Olivia waved at her mother as she left them. "Take a seat Maisy," she closed the door behind her and grabbed her coffee, "do you mind if I drink my coffee while you're with me?"
Maisy shook her head.
"Thanks," she took a sip and almost sighed with relief. She grabbed her note book and pen and sat. "Sorry that everything was a bit of a rush this morning, Maisy, it's been really hectic," she explained.
"S'okay," she replied.
"Let's both take a really deep breath," she suggested, "in through our nose and then slowly release it through our mouths and anything that's making us cranky or sad can just leave our body so we can talk and have a nice morning together."
After some prompting, Maisy joined Olivia, taking a deep breath and releasing. "Another one? Just for good measure?"
Maisy humoured her and did it again, trying hard not to be angry or upset. "Okay, get comfortable… if you want to lay down on that couch, you can? Or you can slouch if you want to… totally your call," she said, doing her best to get her to relax.
"I'm fine," Maisy replied.
"Okay," Olivia replied. She was wearing a pair of wide-leg, high-waisted trousers and a white shirt under a white blazer. "Well, I'm going to take my boots off and cross my legs and get comfy, is that okay with you?"
Maisy nodded. Olivia slipped off her heeled boots and tucked her socked-feet beneath her legs and leaned back against a cushion. "So, why don't you tell me about your week, what have you been up to?"
"I started school on Monday," she replied, "and already I had to take a day off."
"Ah yes, school, that's right… how do you like it?"
She shrugged, "I hate it, the kids are stupid, I want Mom to home-school me."
"Did they do something to make you hate it?" she wondered. This kid couldn't catch a break, she thought. With a genetic disorder that slowly broke down some of her organs and caused some birth defects, she had to go to school and endure endless bullying.
"Just kids are mean to me…"
"That must be really tough," Olivia reflected back, "is it something you'd like to talk about today?"
Maisy shrugged. "I'm just sick of kids at school and when I'm not at school I get scared about my heart and my lungs and now I have to see the other doctors and they're asking me questions that are private."
Olivia frowned, "it sounds like you're going through a really tough adjustment period," she spoke warmly. "Is this why you've been a bit mad at Mom and me lately?"
Her lower lip trembled and she nodded. "It's okay, I don't mind if you're angry Maisy, I'm never going to get upset with you, I'm just here to listen and to help you if you'd like my help."
"Olivia, I want to ask a question but I'm scared to ask,"
"Me?" she wondered where it was headed.
Maisy nodded. "If I ask you something I don't want you to be mad or to tell my Mom that I asked it."
"Maisy, I think our relationship is based on trust. I need you to trust me and sometimes trust means that you know that I will make decisions based on what I believe will keep you safe. If you are getting hurt I'd have to tell someone, but if you're asking a question, that's between you and I."
There was some silence as Olivia's words sank in.
"What was your question, sweetheart?" Olivia asked, treading lightly. "I will do my best to answer it as honestly as I can."
Maisy looked at her hands for a moment and avoided Olivia all together. "How do I know if someone is doing something bad or good?"
Olivia was confused. "What do you mean?" she asked softly. "Are you asking what the difference between good and bad is?"
She shook her head, frustrated. "No, no. What if someone does something that I don't like but they say to me that it's for a reason or they tell Mom that they are doing a test—can I say no?"
"Can you tell me more about the situation?" Olivia asked slowly, her tone calm and soft, not wanting to show her own feelings of dread coming up. "Is it here at the hospital?"
She nodded. "I don't like the way somebody touches me and when I jumped away because I got scared, they said it was they were testing something."
Olivia knew it. Her hunch had been right and it would have explained for the rapid change in behaviour. "Maisy, I think it's a good time for us to have a talk about good touching verse bad touching, do you know about that?"
She nodded, "but sometimes Doctors need to see private things, right?"
Olivia nodded. "Yes but Maisy, if you don't feel comfortable, you are the boss of your own body, you can say no, no matter what. If someone has touched you in a way where you feel scared, hurt, uncomfortable or upset, you can tell them to stop – that means a school friend, a family member or even a doctor."
"I did tell him to stop," she replied, finally looking up to look at Olivia. I got scared but he explained to Mom why he was touching me there and she said it was okay but it didn't feel okay and when I got my brace …"
"What happened, Maisy, you can tell me…"
"I don't want to get him in to trouble."
"Maisy, you don't have to worry about anyone but you right now," Olivia replied. "I'm not worried about the doctor, I'm worried about you."
"he touched me behind the curtain when Mom stepped out to take a call, he told me he was checking to make sure I still had feeling there."
Olivia was seething on the inside. "Did you feel hurt or scared or did you tell him to stop?"
She nodded, "I don't want to see anymore doctors, I don't want to talk about private stuff or have anyone see my private stuff."
"I understand, I can see that it's upsetting for you to talk about but you're so brave for telling me and I want to say thank you for trusting me."
"But he is just looking out for me and I don't want to be a bad patient, I know I have to be good because it's hard for Mom."
Olivia's heart broke for her, "No, honey, being good doesn't mean that you have to be quiet. You can always tell someone to stop and they have to stop… and none of this is your fault, you didn't do anything to deserve this."
"But… what if I am making a big scene out of nothing?"
"I don't think you are," Olivia told her sincerely.
"I don't want to talk about it anymore, can we talk about something else?" she asked. "I don't want to make Mom upset."
"Okay," Olivia nodded, "sure, would you like to choose a game or an activity that we can do together?" she nodded up to the cases of things she'd recently had moved in from her office in L.A. It was crammed with books and puzzles, toys and games.
"Can we make something?"
"Sure, did you want to do some painting or…?"
"Yeah, I like to paint," she smiled.
"Me too," Olivia replied, getting up. She cleared off the large square coffee table and together they put some little paint pots down over a clear table covering. Olivia pulled out some large pages of acrylic paper and got her some brushes.
"Wait, wait… you need something to put over that cute shirt!" she told her, reaching to a crate at the bottom of the shelf where there was a collection of paint stained old shirts. She passed one to Maisy and took one out for herself. She shed her blazer and put the shirt on over the top of hers and eased herself down on to the carpet with her patient.
"What are we painting?" Olivia asked, "should we have a theme or should we just do what feels right in our heart?"
Maisy thought for a moment, switching back to that happy care-free kid that she was used to seeing. "Let's do a theme… what about water?" she suggested.
"Great choice, I love water," Olivia replied. Maisy smiled with satisfaction as they both focused on the blue paint. Olivia showed her how to make several different shades of it using the green and the white.
"I was thinking…" Olivia piped up, "I know its really annoying to see so many doctors," she began, "but what I'd really like is that we talk to Dr Trevor about overseeing everything for you."
"What kind of a doctor is he?" she asked. "Isn't he just an everything doctor?"
Olivia smiled, "He has a couple of different specialising areas, but he's a little different to your specialised care," she explained. "You like him right? He is so nice and he's always explains everything to you in a way that you might be able to understand. And… if he needs to do anything that might be uncomfortable, he always asks for permission and if you say no, he's fine with that and he will not try to tell you otherwise."
"Actually…" she got up, "give me a second."
She went to her desk phone and rang his office. "Dr Benson," he welcomed her call, he could tell.
"Hi Dr. Langan," she replied, for whatever reason, feeling herself smile and her cheeks slightly hearing his tone. She could tell he was smiling. "I don't want to interrupt you, but I'm currently with Maisy Beaschel and I'm wondering if you have a minute or two to come and say hello."
"For the bringer of coffee? I would even spare five."
She laughed. "Okay, let yourself in, thanks."
She got back down in front of the coffee table and picked up her brush and painted some waves. "Is Dr. Trevor scary like Dr. Kildare?" Maisy asked almost guiltily.
"No," Olivia smiled at her, "he is not scary, he's fun… like me, besides you've seen him before, he's always been gentle with you, right?" she asked the child.
Maisy nodded and looked up as Trevor wrapped on the door before opening it. He grinned, finding Olivia and her patient on the floor, painting at the small coffee table. "Hello down there…"
Olivia smiled at him and looked at Maisy and winked, "We always forget what a giant Dr Trevor is…" she nodded to his 6'5 frame that towered over them both. "Good thing he's friendly, huh?" She winked at Maisy
He squatted down to his haunches and greeted Maisy. "Hi Maisy, it's nice to see you again… I think last time our meeting was pretty formal but you can call me Trev if you like," he smiled at her. Maisy glanced at him shyly.
"Hello."
"Maisy here is seeing a whole bunch of doctors and it's getting a little boring…" she told Trevor, ignoring the fact that she was a little annoyed with him for making her second guess her original hunch when it came to Maisy withholding a disclosure.
"Oh right, yuck," he made a face, "maybe we'll talk to Mom about coming to see me and I can organize all your specialist care so you don't need to see everyone dozens of times a month and you know what that means?"
"What?" Maisy asked, her interest piqued, daring to look at him, deciding he was less stern and serious than the rest of the doctors that she saw.
"More time for school work," he joked.
She couldn't help but to giggle. "I dunno what's worse?"
"Definitely the school work," he winked. "Is your Mom gonna come pick you up after you're done painting?" he smiled nodding at her painting, "that looks amazing by the way, do you take art classes?"
"Yes Mom's coming and noooo, I've never had lessons," Maisy laughed her soft cheeks glowing pink immediately. Olivia smiled, she could see already that there was an immediate ease between the two. Trevor had a way of making all of his patients feel at ease and comfortable around him.
"Well it sure looks like it, you should teach Olivia how to paint better, she looks like she needs the help," he joked.
"That's not very nice Dr. Trevor, painting isn't always about the outcome, it's about the fun of it, right Mais?" she asked the little girl.
"I guess," she shrugged.
"Diplomatic," Olivia remarked with a laugh.
"Cool well, I'll keep an eye out for Mom and we can have a quick chat and see if all that works for her too."
"Thanks Trevor," Olivia smiled at him, "for coming to see us."
"It's my pleasure," he replied, "thank you for meeting me again, Maisy," he put his hand gently on her shoulder and watched her flinch away. He exchanged expressions with Olivia. She said nothing and neither did he.
They both said goodbye and watched him leave again.