Seasons of Love

by Forever without him

When Alison DiLaurentis is thrust into a world of choices between obligation & loyalty she makes an impossible decision. After spending three years without Emily Fields, she sets out to prove to the brunette that she's worth loving. As looming threats from their past emerge and an unexpected tragedy unfolds, they learn to lean on one another. Canon-Divergent. Rating may change.

12. Autumn Blues

A/N: Trigger-ish stuff ahead. Nothing too graphic. But there are some serious topics.

---

Chapter 11:

Autumn Blues

Getting back into a normal routine hadn't been easy, especially with the holidays looming.

Emily didn't want to celebrate her birthday, but after she found out that Alison was planning a party with Max, Samara, and Zoe she couldn't say no.

She liked that Alison was bonding with her friends. And she knew the blonde was just trying to cheer her up.

She tried to bury her discomfort when she talked to her mother.

Pam called more frequently since her dad had died, but the one day Emily wasn't surprised to hear from her was her birthday.

Alison and Emily were getting ready for the party.

Alison was buzzing with excitement.

Sometimes Emily had to stop and marvel at her beauty. Her smile could light up the entire room.

And her laugh…

God, I love that laugh.

It was really hard to focus on her mother's call when the woman she loved was practically glowing in delight.

When Alison was happy, Emily was happy. She could feel their connection on a molecular level. They'd always had an unspoken bond that drew them to each other...a special way of saying I love you with just one look.

I am so in love with her.

Her thought process the entire time her mother was singing about her birthday was how lucky she was to have Alison DiLaurentis. How lucky they were that they found each other again.

Fate was a fickle bitch.

It took as much as it gave, so Emily was very protective of what they had. She had lost enough in life. She'd lost Alison more than once. And as long as she was living, she'd never let her go again.

After Pam sang Happy Birthday, Emily let Alison chat with her while she went to change out of her top. She spent her time getting changed hoping that her mother hadn't noticed her inattentiveness to the call. She'd been looking at Alison the entire time.

When she got back she walked back in on their conversation.

"Congratulations on the new role." Pam smiled. She saw Emily walking up behind Alison. "You have a real star on your hands here."

On my hands. In our bed. Under the influence of our love.

"Believe me, I know." Emily chuckled. "I've seen enough of her fans. We were practically mobbed a few days ago when we went to a café. People love her." She leaned down to kiss Alison on the top of her head.

Alison glanced at her with a smile that was reserved only for her. A silent cue, a message.

I love you, too, Em.

"Well, I'm definitely…what do kids call it these days? A STAN?" Pam's gaze flickered between Alison and Emily.

"Where did you learn that term?" Emily snorted.

It sounded ridiculous coming from her mother's mouth.

"I made an Instagram account…"

"You what?" Emily nearly fell over in laughter.

"Okay, no need to make fun.…so Toby made me an Instagram. It's private. I just like to look at flowers and recipes."

"What a Gen-X thing to like." Emily teased.

"Funny." Pam rolled her eyes. "I don't get online much, but I see enough to know that Alison is a star. It's so exciting." She clapped her hands together.

Emily and Alison laughed.

Pam Fields…with an Instagram account. The woman barely knew how to video chat on her phone. Most of her video chats with Wayne had been on her computer. Wayne had talked her through what to do.

Emily's dad had always been much better with technology.

Emily still remembered her last video chat with her father. She tried to hold on to that memory. He was happy. He was alive. He was looking forward to coming home and seeing his girls.

Talking about her dad was not easy for her. Just the mention of him could send her into a complete spiral. She was trying to learn how to deal with it a day at a time.

"How are things in Rosewood?" Emily carefully tiptoed around the subject.

Pam's exuberance faded, but she managed to keep a hint of a smile on her face.

"It's okay. I've started going to my book club again. And I have brunch with Ashley and Ella a few times a week. Oh…and I just received the most beautiful flower arrangement from Jason." She glanced at Alison.

Alison almost dropped the phone.

"Really?" Alison barely managed to croak out.

The same Jason who refuses to acknowledge I'm his sister?

The same Jason who left me on my own when I needed him?

The same Jason who abandoned me? Who ghosted me and pretends I mean less than nothing to him?

Everyone else in my family abandoned me. Why wouldn't he?

Emily put her hand on Alison's shoulder.

Her little Emily-ism telling Alison "I love you. I'm here for you."

"The card was really sweet." Pam didn't notice Alison's sudden change in behavior. "He apologized for not being able to make it to the funeral. He was out of the country and didn't even hear about it until a week after the funeral."

So he can write cards, but he can't pick up the phone and call his sister.

He wanted his fucking space and I gave it to the bastard...and he just left me.

Asshole.

Alison started grinding her teeth. Emily swiped the phone from her before she could throw it across the room.

"Did you happen to see him?" Emily asked.

"No, but he did call to make sure I got them."

Alison let out a cynical laugh.

"Of course he did," she muttered soft enough that Pam couldn't hear.

Of course he talks to everyone but me.

"The cell connection wasn't great. I think he's still overseas. We weren't able to talk for long, but the next time you talk to him please thank him again for me."

The next time you talk to him…

Alison rolled her eyes.

You have more of a chance of talking to him than I do.

Hell, a telemarketer has more chance of talking to him than I do.

I guess I'm nothing to him.

I was an idiot to trust him.

He doesn't care about me.

He never cared about me.

Fuck him.

She felt Emily grab her hand, gripping it tightly. It did little to calm her raging anger.

What an unbelievable jackoff dipshit…

Alison was equal parts relieved, pissed off, and hurt. Learning that he was alive didn't explain why he wasn't returning her calls. Was he still that pissed about her lobbying to keep Charlotte in Welby?

Alison didn't hear the rest of the conversation. She was too busy cracking her knuckles and pacing the floor.

She did hear when they said their goodbyes.

Alison looked up at Emily, who was staring at her.

"You okay?" Emily asked.

"At least he's not dead. Though he's going to be when I get my hands on him." Alison growled.

Emily closed the distance between them and wrapped Alison up in her arms.

"He's an asshole." Alison muttered into her chest. "I hate him." She pulled back. "Join me in hating him, will you?"

"I hate who you hate." Emily nodded dutifully. She knew the fire in Alison would eventually die down and she'd go back to not hating him, but for the moment she was sticking with her. "Hey…" Emily lovingly ran her fingers through Alison's blonde locks, "You want to send one of those glitter bombs with little dicks that explode everywhere once the package has been opened? It's impossible to clean glitter." Emily often thought of Samara and Zoe and their glitter cannon malfunction at one of their pride parades when it came to glitter messes. "And the tiny little plastic dicks would send him a message."

"I'm pissed enough to send an actual bomb. Or anthrax." Alison admitted.

"It might not be the wisest idea to commit a felony. Not when your career is so hot." Emily cupped the back of Alison's neck.

"You're right. He's not worth an ounce of my thought. Fuck him for trying to live rent free in my head. I'm going to evict the bastard and move on." Alison huffed. "I have a party to finish putting together."

Alison channeled her energy into the party while Emily quietly sought some solitude.

She didn't want to think about her birthday. She didn't want to think of the one person she wouldn't see or hear from.

It didn't help that her phone kept going off with birthday wishes.

She managed to tolerate it as the day went on.

Alison had disappeared into Samara's condo with Zoe and Samara so they could get everything ready to load up for the party.

The quiet was both a relief and a burden.

Normally she liked a little time to breathe, but every time she was alone all she could think about was her dad. His last days. His last moments.

What was he thinking about?

Did he have time to think at all?

Was it quick?

Did he suffer?

Was there any way he could have survived?

These were the questions that haunted her on a daily basis…and at night, too. Sometimes she had nightmares about what had happened to him.

Her phone vibrated against the table where she'd laid it face down to ignore the birthday texts. When she picked it up she saw a FaceTime request from the girls.

She took a breath before she answered it, expecting a blast of singing.

"Hey." She answered.

To her surprise, not one musical note was uttered.

"Hey." Each of her friends responded.

"What are you up to?" Hanna asked, appearing on screen wearing some of the most comfortable pajamas Emily had ever seen.

"What am I up to? No good. As always." Emily winked. "You know how I just love trouble."

"Sure you do, Girl Scout." Aria teased.

"I did kind of kill a guy once. And then there's Sara Harvey…" She cringed.

She'd ripped a son away from one family and scarred another girl for life.

She didn't do it on purpose…and they deserved it, but that didn't make Lyndon any less dead or Sara any less traumatized. The last time Emily had heard anything about Sara was that she was being released from the hospital. She was surprised the crazy bitch hadn't come after her to seek revenge.

Before she could go on a downward spiral Spencer cut in.

"Self-defense. Both cases. Trust me. I come from a family of lawyers." Spencer frowned. She didn't like it when Emily was self-deprecating. She knew it led to some really dark places. "Besides, I refuse to let you hate yourself on today of all days."

"Oh, and why is that? Is today different than any other day?" Emily found it curious that her friends hadn't said "Happy Birthday" yet.

"Not at all." Hanna shook her head. "Nope. Today is just another normal day with nothing special about it with no singing and no cake and we just called to say…Happy…Regular Day." She tried to improvise.

Emily smiled.

Her friends knew her well enough to know that the last thing she'd want to do after her dad was killed was celebrate her birthday. They remembered the party she didn't want that Paige threw for her.

That party had ended in disaster.

"This is by far my favorite FaceTime I've gotten today." Emily chuckled.

"How are you?" Aria asked, popping on screen briefly. "How is it going?"

"Good. We're getting ready to go out with some friends to celebrate…" Emily trailed off.

She dreaded trying to appear happy at the gathering.

"Wait, you're having a party?" Aria frowned.

"Just a small one with a few friends from the LGBTQ Alliance. Alison set it up. We're going out there for a few hours. It's no big deal."

"Em…do you actually want that?" Aria asked softly.

"No, she doesn't." Spencer answered for her.

"Hey, it's my birthday. I'm a whole adult now. I'm this many years old." She flashed her fingers a few times, quipping back. "I can speak for myself, thanks."

"Apparently not if you didn't tell Alison the truth." Spencer arched a curious brow.

Emily shot Spencer a disapproving look.

"I couldn't. You guys…you should have seen her. She was so excited. She likes to do things for me." Emily brushed some of her hair behind her ear. "I would do anything for her when she looks at me…eyes all twinkly and her dimples just…" Emily sighed happily.

Spencer snorted.

"What?" Emily cocked her head. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"You're just really cute when you're in love." Spencer smiled.

Emily felt her cheeks get hot. She had let herself become immersed in the world of loving Alison DiLaurentis. She couldn't imagine her life without her.

"Emily and Alison sittin' in a tree…" Hanna teased in a sing-song voice.

"Well, Emily may be a whole adult," Aria threw Emily's words back at her with a laugh, "but Hanna is still a five-year-old."

"Are you saying I have the perfect skin of a baby? Thank you!" Hanna twisted Aria's insult into a compliment, something she was excellent at.

A bark interrupted their conversation.

Aria looked off-screen and waved to Liam and Argos, who had just walked in.

"Hey, buddy." Aria cooed at the dog.

"I wish Caleb was that enthusiastic when he greeted me." Hanna laughed.

"I'm talking to the dog." Aria smiled as Liam popped his head in the screen.

They'd met him a few times on FaceTime and he seemed like a really good guy. He made Aria happy.

"Hey," he said to the girls. He kissed Aria's cheek. "I'll put the take-out on the counter. Want me to make you a plate?"

"No, thanks. I'll make one when I'm done."

Argos barked again and Aria angled the camera down towards the eager little mutt.

His barks drew a curious Cheese to Hanna's camera. The cat sniffed it at an angle, like a dog might pop out of it and he had to be on high alert.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt. It's good to see you all." He waved.

"Bye Liam." Their voices echoed.

Emily's phone buzzed and she saw a text from Hanna.

Aria and Spencer were talking about what Aria was having for dinner, so it was the perfect opportunity to shy away from the conversation a bit.

Stay on the line with me after Spencer and Aria hang up. Need to talk to you.

Emily sent Hanna a thumbs up emoji to let her know she got the text.

"I should probably go. I have a dinner with my mother and her donors." Spencer made a face. "And then about twelve hours of school work to do."

"Keep your head up. Only a few more weeks until the holidays." Aria scratched Argos's head.

"That's what I keep telling myself." Spencer nodded. "Em…I hope tonight isn't too painful."

"We'll be fine. It's only for a few hours. Alison knows I hate crowds, so it's only our closest friends…" She paused. "At least…the ones who live in the state. The best of our friends are all gallivanting around being designers and authors and a Senator's assistant. How dare they have lucrative important careers." She scoffed.

"You are talking about us, right?" Hanna asked.

"Yes, Hanna. I'm talking about you."

"Good, because I was going to find these friends you were talking about and tell them that the best friend group with you is already taken."

"It was good to catch up. Love you guys." Aria waved.

"Enjoy dinner." Spencer replied.

Aria hung up first. Then Spencer. It left Emily and Hanna on the line alone.

Hanna moved the phone around. Cheese had settled in her lap now that the dog noises had quieted down.

"So, what's up?" Emily asked.

"Caleb wanted me to tell you that his block for the unknown numbers didn't work."

"Yeah…she got a call yesterday." Emily sighed.

"He's trying…"

"I know. It's not his fault. He's doing everything he can." Emily heard her front door open and Alison call out for her.

"The thing is…he thinks that someone is changing out SIM cards in burner phones. SIM cards are a lot easier to hide…or in Charlotte's case…sneak them in…and if you get them from the right people…"

"Sketchy people." Emily filled in the blank.

"Right. If you get them from someone who knows technology…or even give them to someone who knows technology then there could be like five hundred different unknown numbers and we'd never be able to pin it down to just one."

"Great." Emily uttered.

"He's not giving up. But he wanted me to update you."

"Hey, you almost ready?" Alison walked into the bedroom.

"Hey, Alison." Hanna called from the phone.

"Hanna! Hey…calling to wish my queen the happiest of birthdays?" Alison asked.

"Something to that effect, yeah." Only without the happy birthday part. "I'll let you two get going. Have fun tonight." Hanna waved.

"Love you, Han." Emily smiled.

They said their goodbyes and Emily pushed herself off of her mattress.

She didn't really want to go anywhere. Her perfect birthday would be staying in their bedroom with only each other to entertain themselves. But she knew she'd get that after the party.

"Shall we?" Alison reached for Emily's hand.

"I can't wait to see what you and the girls cooked up."

"Samara and Zoe swung by to put everything together. Zoe is coming back to get us. She'll be here in five minutes." Alison looked at her phone.

While they were waiting Emily told Alison what Hanna had explained to her.

The blonde wasn't surprised. Her sister was deviously smart. And she clearly had someone helping her. She knew she had to consider Charlotte's most frequent visitor.

Jason.

She didn't like the idea that he would help Charlotte torture her, but she couldn't rule it out.

When the van pulled into the parking lot Alison put her phone away.

Emily did her best to plaster a smile on her face.

She played the part of "Birthday Girl" convincingly, especially when she saw her friends' faces at the LGBTQ center.

It felt strange celebrating the day she was born knowing that one of the two people who brought her into existence was gone.

Two shots of tequila helped liven her up. She didn't usually drink hard liquor, but she'd been leaning on it to bury her grief.

She hadn't told Alison that her grades were slipping and that her focus was off. And she certainly hadn't mentioned the way her eyes lingered a little too long on the gun safe sometimes. She hadn't opened it since the day she found out about her dad. She'd terrified herself that day.

She had been trying to play the strong girlfriend because the blonde had enough on her plate. Her career was starting to take off and she was still dealing with the anonymous calls.

Alison tried not to pay attention to her phone during the party. Usually she documented every moment she was partying, but she was not going to make Emily's birthday public.

The guest list was a few select friends from the LGBTQ Alliance Center. She knew Emily didn't like fancy things, so she had everyone bring some of Emily's favorite foods and drinks to the Alliance Center.

They set up a karaoke machine and let loose.

Max was front and center singing Bohemian Rhapsody.

Alison was standing in the front of the room clapping for him.

Emily was hanging back at the make-shift bar with some of the other party-goers.

"He's actually really talented." Samara sipped on her Margarita, watching Max ham up the stage.

"Kind of looks like a young Freddie Mercury, too." Emily tipped back another shot of tequila.

"That's your third one, isn't it?" Samara cocked a worried brow at the brunette.

"It's my party." Emily shrugged.

She was trying to hide how miserable she was, but Samara saw right through her.

Samara put her Margarita down, her finger circling the rim of the glass.

"Listen, it's probably the last thing you want to hear tonight…"

Before Samara could bring up her dad, Emily shut her down.

"Don't." She glared at her friend. "Not now."

Not ever.

She couldn't let that chasm of pain widen any more.

Alison was trying so hard to give her one normal night after the weeks of crying jags.

She had gotten better at burying her emotions in front of others.

In a way, she dissociated. There were two Emilys. There was the melancholy brunette that put on a brave front that her friends saw, and there was the Emily full of darkness and despair who woke up every morning staring at her closet and thinking about the gun in the safe. No one, not even Alison, knew that Emily.

"I noticed you stopped jogging in the morning." Samara poked at the lemon wedge on the side of her glass. "And I see something in your eyes that I recognize."

Emily listened quietly. Perhaps she hadn't been as good as she thought at hiding her darkness.

"I'm not going to ask if there is anything I can do." Samara looked at her drink, avoiding Emily's eyes. She peered at her alcohol as if it could answer questions that did not have answers. "I hate all those platitudes. They suck, and people who are grieving hate those empty words. Because no one can do anything."

Emily was surprised by Samara's insight.

"Zoe." Samara explained her answer in one word. "Sometimes she still wakes up crying about losing her high school girlfriend. She blames herself because she missed her phone call. She can't let go of what she could have done. How she might have been able to save her…"

"That's awful." Emily bit her lip.

She couldn't imagine missing that one last call. The guilt probably ate Zoe alive.

"I've learned that there isn't anything I can say. But you have friends who love you and a girlfriend who would do absolutely anything for you." Samara gestured to the small room of their friends. "Just don't forget that."

Emily nodded with a weak smile on her face.

"And stop being so fucking stubborn and let your girlfriend help you." The gentleness in her tone gave way to something more strict. Something a protective sister might sound like.

"I'm going to guess that was more about Zoe and not me?" Emily asked.

"You two are ridiculously alike." The hard expression on Samara's face fell and she laughed softly. "Zoe is an only child, too. So of course she thinks she can deal with everything on her own…like someone else I know. Alison really has her work cut out for her." She playfully bumped Emily's shoulder.

"Em!" Alison called across the room in excitement.

She waved through the small group of people and pushed her way through.

She saw the shot glasses lined up in front of Emily.

"Getting a little wild tonight, are we?" Alison asked.

"Absolutely." Emily wrapped an arm around Alison, glaring at Samara and begging her not to call her bluff.

Samara nodded once and then turned towards another one of their friends and started chatting.

Emily ran her palms across Alison's curves, letting them rest on her hips as she pulled her in for a kiss. She was a very handsy drunk, and Alison loved it.

Alison smiled at her and then turned towards Max, who was still hamming it up on the microphone.

"He's really good, isn't he?" Alison asked.

"He is."

The blonde had been a very gracious host. One thing she'd learned about going to events for her content creation and her budding acting career was how to mingle like a professional social butterfly. Everyone had a story to tell…and she liked listening. Not for the reason she used to listen – the secrets she could lord over people. But because she was actually interested in what people had to say.

"How are college applications going, José?" Alison looked at the young boy next to her drinking a soda.

Max and José weren't old enough to drink. Max was a little deviant who would sneak alcohol from time to time, but his straight-laced boyfriend stuck to the rules.

"Good." He seemed both delighted and nervous to be involved in the conversation.

"Do you need help with your entry essay?" Samara questioned. "Zoe is a writer. I'm sure she'd be happy to help."

"Yeah, I'd like that." He nodded. "I hope it's good enough."

"It will be." Emily shot him a smile.

José smiled shyly at her and then turned his attention back to his boyfriend, who was giving Bohemian Rhapsody his all.

"So, how does this rank as far as birthdays go, Em?" Alison snaked her hand up Emily's back and underneath her hair so she could rub her neck.

Emily was always responsive to neck and back rubs. They would trade off and massage each other all the time. Most of the time it ended in sex, not that Alison was after that at the moment. She just wanted Emily to enjoy herself.

But Emily was feeling frisky. The alcohol in her body was burning in her veins. She felt warm. The weight of her grief had been lifted for the moment.

"Top five." She laughed at Max throwing his chest into the song.

"Not top three?" Alison feigned a shocked look and reached up to playfully grab her chest.

"We'll see." Emily looked at her, a seductive look on her face. "The night is still young."

"Mmm. As are we." Alison winked.

"Get a room." Zoe walked up behind them, handing Emily a plate with some of her favorite foods.

"Oh…we certainly will." Emily reached for a popover and devoured it. "Delicious. Who made these?"

Alison raised her hand with pride.

"I got the recipe from your mom. Samara and Zoe let me use their kitchen so I could surprise you." She looked so pleased with herself.

It warmed Emily's heart.

Alison knew her inside and out. And the fact that she had contacted her mom so she could make them was touching.

"You talked to my mom about this?"

Her mom didn't mention her little secret chat with Alison when she'd talked to her earlier. She had wished her a happy birthday and told her that she was going to pay her mortgage through the end of the year.

Emily had come upon a whirlwind of money, and she could probably pay her mortgage off outright, but she was still not ready to touch the money her dad left her.

"She helped me through it on a video chat." Alison nodded. "Toby helped, too."

"So, it was a group effort?"

"All hands on deck. Including Samara." Alison glanced in Samara's direction.

"She's being modest. I washed dishes." Samara waved it off.

Emily loved seeing Alison getting along with one of her ex-girlfriends, especially given how possessive she had been in the past. But she seemed to feel right at home with Samara.

"That's still considered helping." Zoe leaned in for a kiss, pecking Samara on the lips.

"So, I know you had that call with Hanna. Did you talk to the other the girls?" Alison asked.

"Yeah, that call with Hanna was the end of a FaceTime with them. They're doing well. Hanna texted me to let me know that a gift is in the mail from her, Caleb, and Cheese." Emily's smile widened.

"I still can't believe they got a cat." Alison snickered.

Hanna sent frequent pictures of Cheese to them. He was a mischievous little bugger.

"Hanna acts like he annoys her, but she secretly loves him." Emily picked up another popover and took a bite. "Aria sent me a picture collage of us when we were younger. I'll show you when we get home."

"That sounds exactly like an Aria gift." Alison held back the smile that would give away that she was involved in Aria's gift.

Aria had reached out to everyone to send her pictures of them when they were younger. Alison had sent her a few.

"Spencer got us a couples spa day package."

And that was a very Spencer-like gift.

Like Alison, Spencer had grown up with money. When she was a teenager she hadn't appreciated the value of it. It was just her way of life. But as she got older she was set on doing kind things for others with her family's money.

When she found out Emily was working at the non-profit she started donating to it monthly and she had convinced her mother to do the same. She had also invested in Hanna's internship and Aria's book. None of them asked her to do it. She just wanted to do it.

Spencer Hastings believed in her friends and their dreams. She was very loudly opinionated in life, but she had a heart of gold.

"A couples spa? As in both of us?" Alison asked.

"No. It's for my side ho." Emily deadpanned with a smirk.

Alison smacked her shoulder and laughed.

"Of course you're going with me. I wouldn't be able to have fun without you." Emily reached for Alison's hand and gripped her fingers. "Matter of fact…" She let go of Alison's hand, which resulted in a resounding grumble of disapproval from the blonde. Emily grabbed a binder filled with karaoke songs and opened it. "How about we have some fun right now? Want to do a duet?"

Alison's brows darted up in surprise. Emily hated calling attention to herself.

"You want to sing in public?" Alison's eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"That's the definition of karaoke." Emily lifted her gaze away from the binder and looked at Alison.

"I know. It's just…" It was highly unlike her. "I guess the tequila is really hitting you right now."

"I'm drunk on life." Emily blew her a kiss. "So, are you in?"

Alison looked into her eyes and noticed for the first time that they were completely glazed over. Either she was feigning her enthusiasm or she was more drunk than anyone realized.

"Sure…"

Emily clapped her hands together once in victory, not that she would have had to do much to get Alison in front of a crowd.

Emily's finger traced down the page until she found a song that stood out to her.

"Ah, Destiny's Child. That's perfect." She pointed it out to Zoe, who had been put in charge of the karaoke by Alison.

Beyoncé in her early era. It wasn't a surprise to Alison. Emily loved Beyoncé.

The blonde felt a little twinge of regret in her chest. She had teased Emily about her crush on Beyoncé when they were younger.

"Oh, awesome! I'm going to go get it set up." Zoe bounced on her feet, moving towards the front of the room where Max's performance had ended with him on his knees for dramatic effect.

"Hey…" Alison pulled Emily aside. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah. I'm having a really good time." Emily swayed on her feet.

The alcohol was definitely getting to her.

"I'm glad. But maybe we should ease up on the drinks. You have that term paper due in a few days, right?"

Emily felt a roiling sensation in her stomach. She hadn't even started the damn paper. She hadn't been able to channel any words in weeks. She would open her laptop and just stare at the cursor blinking at her…like it was mocking her very existence.

"It'll be fine. I can ask for an extension. No big deal." Except this was her extension. "We deserve a night out. Not just for me, but to celebrate you landing another role."

After Alison had wrapped for her last time on her previous project she had been pulled aside and asked for her information by one of the producers. They were working on a pilot and they were interested in her. She'd nailed her audition.

As excited as Alison was about it, she didn't feel much like celebrating because of what Emily was going through. Emily's pain was her pain.

To add insult to injury, the calls from Rosewood were getting worse. It stressed both of them out.

Somehow despite her grief, Emily managed to pull it together any time Alison needed her…which was basically after every phone call she received.

As they made their way to the front of the room Alison caught a glimpse of Max slipping his phone away. Someone had recorded his performance for him to share. But now the phones were being put down and turned away.

Alison's one rule was not to post anything with her and Emily on social media. She respected Emily's privacy. And the last thing she wanted to do was advertise where they were…especially since her past in Rosewood was calling her every day.

The phone calls were the furthest thing from Alison's mind when they moved in front of the crowd and the music started.

Alison could barely focus on the screen, though she knew the words by heart.

The way Emily was moving her hips to the rhythm was downright kinky. If they weren't in front of their friends she would have been taking the brunette's clothes off.

Emily never took her eyes off of Alison as she gyrated and ran her fingers through her hair.

She clearly knew all the words, too. She was seducing Alison, and Alison was playing right into it.

The blonde barely even noticed when the song ended. She just lowered her mic and pulled Emily in for a heated kiss.

Everyone who was watching cheered.

After karaoke started to die down Alison hooked her phone up to a bluetooth and turned on a playlist she'd made. All of Emily's favorite songs, and songs that meant something to them both.

Emily pulled her close to her chest and inhaled the aroma of her perfume and her shampoo.

"You're the best girlfriend ever." She wrapped her arms around Alison's petite frame as they slow-danced in a circle.

"Normally I wouldn't argue with you, but in this case you're wrong…because you're the best girlfriend ever." She hummed against Emily's shoulder. "You saved my life."

"Thought you said you weren't drowning that day on the beach." Emily squeezed her fingers into Alison's ribs so she could hear her squeal in laughter.

Alison's body squirmed and she started laughing. Then she moved her hands up and gripped the sides of Emily's neck.

"You were my mermaid long before that day." Her eyes landed on the tiny scar near Emily's temple. "You pulled me out of a hurricane when we were kids. I was in over my head and I was drowning. And then you were just…there. Hand outstretched, pulling me to a shore I didn't even know existed."

Emily's cheeks blossomed with color. A bashful smile tugged at her lips.

Alison pushed up on her tiptoes so she could press her lips against Emily's.

Seconds later the brunette's hand was snaking down Alison's lower back and pulling her deeper into the kiss.

When they pulled back from the kiss Emily lowered her forehead to meet Alison's.

"Happy Birthday, Em."

"You're the best gift I've ever gotten." Emily delicately tucked Alison's hair behind her ear.

Alison leaned forward, lowering her voice…making her sound husky and heated.

"Just wait until you unwrap me later tonight." She pushed her lips out and licked them seductively.

Emily looked impressed…and better yet…aroused.

She was leaning in for another kiss when the music abruptly stopped.

Murmurs of disapproval filled the air, including Alison's.

She whipped her head firmly towards her phone and saw that the screen was flashing, lighting up with a call.

She was certain she'd put all alerts and calls on ignore. She unhooked herself from Emily and slowly walked towards where she'd docked it.

Emily was right behind her.

When Alison saw the unknown number flashing on the screen she scowled and hit the ignore button.

The music was supposed to automatically start back up, but it didn't because the phone started ringing again.

Alison hung up, and seconds later the call popped back up. It's like she was on motherfucking speed dial.

In Alison's haste to hang up again she accidentally pressed the little green answer button.

Dead air and heavy breathing filled the speakers surrounding them.

Everyone looked towards Alison in confusion. She felt very tiny. Like she was in a glass bubble.

Something clicked and suddenly, Alison's voice was lilting out of the speakers.

"You know you want to kiss me…"

Alison's face fell flat, her eyes widening in horror as she yanked the phone off the dock and tried to disconnect it from the Bluetooth.

Logic told her she should just hang up, but she was in a total state of shock.

She hadn't heard those words since she was fifteen years old. It was video taken from the night she disappeared. And the context around it made her feel sick.

Ian Thomas.

Before Mona chased her out of town Alison was trying to bring down a group of older boys who were filming her and her friends, her brother included.

Spencer's sister's boyfriend, Ian, had been the one with the camera. He'd been a manipulative bastard who let Alison think she had control. He'd been yet another older man taking advantage of her. She hadn't realized what he'd done until she got older.

I was a child and he was an adult…

Seeing him before she left was a haze. First they were kissing and then she was on the ground. She had frozen when she felt his body on top of hers. It felt wrong.

Everything in between and afterwards was fuzzy because she'd been bashed in the head a few hours later. That night was kind of a blur for her, though she'd managed to fill in the gaps on the run.

Something warm brushed her arm and she looked down and saw Emily's hand gently squeezing her.

Emily was talking to her, but Alison couldn't hear what she was saying.

She made sure the Bluetooth was off and then rushed out of the room, partly in shock…and partly embarrassed.

Emily scrambled after her.

She caught up to her in the hallway.

The hallway echoed with raggedy breathing.

It took her a few seconds to realize she was having a panic attack. She was hyperventilating, bent over at the waist. Emily was bowing in front of her, palms against her face, telling her to breathe.

Alison was clutching the phone so hard that her knuckles were turning white.

"You know you want to kiss me." The recording looped around again.

Why the hell haven't I hung up?

She felt like throwing her phone on the ground and shattering it with her heel.

The recording cut off and the heavy breathing returned.

Those breaths were hers.

And it sent her careening back to that night.

His hands on her.

His body over hers.

I was a child and he was an adult.

"Why are you doing this?" Alison gasped.

It was a stupid question.

She knew it was a stupid question.

Because Charlotte had told her exactly what she was going to do when Alison turned on her.

"I'll kill you and everyone you love."

Alison's mind was swirling. Or maybe she'd had more to drink than she realized.

Memories clashed in her mind, some perfectly clear and others blurry.

Ian in the woods before she left.

His body crushing hers.

A strange dissociative episode.

Feeling sick.

Searing pain in her head.

Dirt trapped in her lungs.

Running down the road and crying.

Sitting alone on a bus, staring at a picture of her best friends.

Calling Emily from a payphone just to hear her voice on her voicemail, but having to remain painfully silent.

Cyrus…the knife.

Her scar.

All of her scars.

Mona framing her for murder.

Being jumped in jail.

Charlotte attacking her…betraying her.

Charlotte torturing her friends.

The Dollhouse.

Emily's car disappearing down the road.

Three years.

Three fucking years of falling for her sister's bullshit.

The Airbnb.

Tyler.

His body crushing hers.

Just like Ian.

Just like Wilden.

Just like Cyrus.

Men having possession over her.

Pretending to covet her, but abusing her.

"I can't breathe."

"Why can't I breathe?"

Emily yanked the phone from her hand, jolting Alison back into reality.

The brunette's lips were twisted into an angry frown. A muscle twitched in her cheek.

Emily had a quiet rage that creeped up without warning, and she was especially protective when it came to the blonde. Alison had seen the same determined fire in her eyes the night Emily confronted Tyler after he'd attacked her at the Airbnb.

The normally serene look she wore was gone. Clear skies shifting to a Category 5 hurricane.

Destruction.

The anger bubbling beneath the surface hit the ceiling.

"Stop calling her." Emily's voice was dripping with venom as she hissed into the phone.

The breathing slowed and was replaced by a hitching noise that sounded like dark laughter. It was masked by a strange static that altered the sound of the person on the other end.

"Stop fucking with her, Charlotte." Emily lowered her voice to a growl. "Stop it before I make you stop."

There was a pause in the heavy breathing, and then a whisper that sent a chill down Emily's spine.

"Happy Birthday, Americano."

The voice was distorted, no way to tell if it was Charlotte or not, but Emily knew in her gut that it was. She'd heard the same kind of noises over the intercom in the Dollhouse.

She shuddered at the memories buried in her mind.

She refused to let the Dollhouse in.

She couldn't.

Not now.

There was a click and then a beep, and the call was over.

Emily lowered the phone.

She had never taken her eyes off of Alison, who had backed against the wall and was staring at Emily, wiping tears from her eyes. Not because she was crying. Because she'd been coughing so hard that she couldn't breathe.

"This has to stop." Emily slipped Alison's phone into her pocket and closed the small gap between them, her hand landing softly against Alison's waist. "When we go to Rosewood for Thanksgiving I'm going to handle this, okay?"

"No!" A scream nearly tore out of Alison's throat, startling both of them, but she managed to keep her fear contained. "No, Emily…you can't do that. She'll come after you and the others."

"I'm not afraid of her anymore." Emily's eyes were eerily cold. Alison didn't like it. But when she continued, Alison understood the emotionless expression. "The worst thing in my life has already happened to me. I lost my dad. She can't do anything that would hurt me any more than that."

Sympathy danced across Alison's features.

"Your mom…" Alison stuttered.

"My mom can take care of herself. And she has Toby looking out for her."

"You already lost your dad. I don't want anything to happen to your mom." She saw a flash of pain on the brunette's face, and she immediately regretted bringing up her father. "Let's just think it over. There has to be a way to make her stop without putting you and the girls in the line of fire. We're just…we're still buzzed from drinking and…we need to be thinking clearly."

"I've never been more sober in my life." Emily's hands tightened into knuckles. "I love you too much to let her keep doing this. I don't care what it costs me. I'm going to make her stop."

"The last thing she said to me was that she wanted to kill me and the rest of you. What about Hanna? Spencer? Aria? Hell, even Mona. What if Charlotte goes after them?"

Emily's face softened and she sighed. The blonde had a point. Emily might not be afraid of Charlotte anymore, but she knew her friends still struggled.

Aria had panic attacks. Spencer never slept. Hanna cried randomly for hours while Caleb held her. And Mona was on four different medications and had two therapists and she still wasn't okay.

None of them would ever be okay again.

"Okay." Emily hesitantly ran her fingers through her hair and bit her lip. "Okay. The important thing is that you're okay."

The brunette's warm palm clasped the side of Alison's neck, her eyes boring into Alison's.

"Are you okay?"

Alison nodded.

"That clip just caught me off-guard. I panicked." She glanced back at the room she'd darted out of, staring in apprehension. "What are we going to tell the others about it?"

There was a beat of silence.

"I mean…they probably don't even know it was you." Emily shifted on her feet.

Hearing the audio clearly made her wildly uncomfortable, too. Emily had seen the video that accompanied that audio more than once and it still made her sick.

"Great. If they don't think it's me they'll think I'm cheating on you." She uttered sarcastically.

"No one is going to think that." Emily shook her head.

"I have a reputation." She snapped, angry that her past was catching up to her.

"Not here you don't." Emily stopped her before she could start on her downward spiral. "These people didn't know you back then. They just know you as the mysterious girl from Rosewood who went missing and came back alive after a harrowing journey. They don't know anything else. Not even Samara."

"You…never told her?" Alison quirked a brow.

She'd spent enough time with Samara to know that she didn't seem to judge her, but Emily had dated her. It would have been natural to share that aspect of her life with Samara.

"All Samara knows is that back in Rosewood I loved you. And I lost you. She knows you went through a horrible tragedy. She's never asked me anything about that time. The important thing to her is that you make me happy."

In the midst of the storm, Alison found a lining of sunlight.

You make me happy.

"Listen…who you were…you're not that person here. The past…it doesn't matter. Everyone in that room adores you, including me. And not a single one of them is going to start hating you over some stupid phone call."

Alison considered Emily's logic.

Her mind was stuck in Rosewood sometimes. It was easy for her to forget that she was in an entirely new town re-inventing herself.

That's what Charlotte did to people. She made them doubt themselves…made them hate themselves. Made them fear themselves.

There was a beat of silence.

Then Alison smiled.

"Is it too soon to tell them I was making a sex tape for you?" Alison had very little humor, but just enough slipped through to keep it from being serious…especially considering the fact that the audio was pulled from that night with Ian.

"These calls are really vile." Emily huffed in irritation. "We should think about trying the cops again."

"Which cops? The cops back east who don't take my word at face value or the cops here who play up the victim-blaming?" Alison frowned.

Emily couldn't argue.

The day Alison went in after Tyler assaulted her it had taken another man's opinion to get anything done. Men often didn't listen to women. Especially men in power.

"We're going to figure this out." She gave Alison a determined nod.

There was a quiet lull.

"Guess this isn't top three birthday ranking after all." Alison mumbled.

Emily wasn't expecting it, so she laughed in surprise.

"At least no one almost drowned at this one." Emily shrugged.

Alison stared at her in confusion.

"Context?"

"Jenna nearly drowned at one of my parties in high school. Charlotte knocked her out and left her in a lake for dead. Spent my birthday sopping wet, terrified, and surrounded by chaos." Emily hadn't thought about Toby's wicked step-sister in a long time.

"Too bad she survived." Alison uttered.

"I…uh…I pulled her out. I saved her. I don't know why…"

"Because that's what you do. When people are hurt you jump in."

"Given what she did to my best friend I should have just let her drown." Emily swallowed hard. By that time she knew what Jenna had done to Toby. "I thought it was Spencer at first and I was in panic mode. When I got out to her I realized it was her. And despite everything…after Lyndon…I just…I couldn't let someone else die."

Jenna was a terrible person who had done terrible things, but when Emily found her floating in that water and she saw her dying her instincts had prevailed.

"Told you." Alison jutted her index finger at her. "Mermaid."

Emily laughed softly.

"Also, I'm really sorry Charlotte did that." Alison grasped Emily's fingers. "You should have happy memories instead of that."

"I do have some happy memories." She laced her fingers into Alison's. "A lot of them involve you."

It made Alison's chest swell, a warm feeling moving into her extremities. She felt a strong pull to the brunette. She always had. She'd loved her when they were kids, but was too afraid to express it. Now she had no problem telling Emily what she meant to her.

"Like what?" Alison felt a little bit of comfort in knowing that Charlotte hadn't destroyed all of Emily's good memories.

"The first time you kissed me back. Not me kissing you. You kissing me back at The Kissing Rock."

Alison had memorized the look on Emily's face that day.

Confusion.

Elation.

Passion.

The brunette had shyly glanced down at where their fingers were touching after the kiss. Her entire body had flushed.

"I think even though you weren't sure at that point…I knew who you were." Emily swung their hands in place.

"What else?" Revisiting the good memories was helping Alison overcome the bad ones.

"Our first time. Obviously." The left side of Emily's lips twisted up into a half-smile. "I remember feeling your heart thrumming against my skin. And I remember giving you mine."

The warmth in Alison's chest was turning into straight up heat.

"As I recall correctly…you really knew what you were doing." Alison winked at her.

Little things like that would have bothered the old Alison. Because the old Alison would wonder how Emily got to be so good at what to do in bed. She would have been obsessively jealous. But the new Alison had an appreciation for those little things now.

"Do you ever think about all the love we shared before we actually got together?" Alison asked.

"Every day." Emily kissed Alison's temple. "I love you, Alison. I love you more than anything else in this world. I always have. Even before you knew you loved me back."

"I always loved you back." Alison kissed her jaw. "I just didn't know how to tell you." She got so wrapped up in how much she loved her that sometimes the feelings were overwhelming. "I wish we'd had more of an opportunity to talk about things back then. Maybe I wouldn't have wasted so much time."

Emily smiled softly at her.

"You didn't." She shook her head. "Because I loved you every second of every day that we were apart. And I fall more in love with you every day." Her lips ghosted over Alison's. "You never lost me, Ali. I was always yours. And nothing will ever change that."

Alison wrapped her arms around her and held her close.

"I'm so glad I have you," Alison whispered.

A sound filled the hallway…someone clearing a throat.

They turned to find Samara peering at them.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah." Alison clasped Emily's hand a little tighter. "We're good."

For now. Alison smiled at her girlfriend. As long as Emily doesn't try to do something tragically heroic.

She had to hope that Emily had more self-restraint than she did. She feared it could mean the difference between life and death.

"Listen…" Samara took a tentative step towards them.

She was so calm. So gentle.

No wonder Emily likes her.

Alison didn't feel threatened at all by Samara. She hadn't had one bad thought about her since the day they met. She was starting to understand why Emily and Samara were such good friends. They might not have worked out romantically…

Thank God…

…but Samara had a certain chill energy about her. It was like she could make people forget their troubles.

"…no one is asking questions about that call." Samara finished her statement, her eyes focused completely on Alison, which was strange considering Emily had a past with her. "Most people think it was just a prank…"

"And the others?" Alison asked.

"The others are so drunk they're not going to remember their names in the morning…much less what just happened." Samara waved for them to rejoin the group.

It was somewhat amazing that it wasn't trending on social media considering Alison's status.

Fuck. I didn't check social media.

Her eyes darted to where her phone was contained in Emily's pocket.

Samara seemed to notice Alison fidgeting.

"Alison…we value our privacy here. We really do. Everyone in that room has secrets. And the last thing anyone wants to do is hurt you. We care about each other. It's not going to become a trending topic. This is a safe space."

Alison had heard the term safe space before, but she wasn't sure she believed it existed. But for now…all she could do was wait.

"Do you know?" Alison asked pointedly. "Who I was back then?"

"I only know who you are now." Samara leaned against the door frame.

Alison hated how cool that it made her look, but at the same time she was impressed.

"Who you are now matters." Samara crossed her arms in front of her chest. "And if that's who you want to be…we respect that."

They shared a quiet nod, and then Alison wordlessly led Emily back towards the people who had showed up for her party.

Emily kept Alison's phone tucked away in her pocket the rest of the night. She wanted to end the night on a good note. Charlotte was not going to take that away from them.

She forgot she even had the phone until they got home.

She heard it clunk against the floor when she was peeling her clothes off to get into bed with Alison. It was still in her pocket. She kept glancing back at it, even though she was in bed with her bombshell of a girlfriend, lips locking, tongues meeting.

She couldn't stop picturing the look of terror and shock on Alison's face when she heard that recording of herself.

She loved Alison beyond hope and beyond reason. She would do anything for her.

Emily meant every word she'd said about making Charlotte stop. She had every intention of fixing things.

She couldn't watch the same monster who had destroyed her in high school continue to destroy Alison.

She couldn't fix her past.

She couldn't fix the nightmares or the flashbacks.

She couldn't fix the fact that her father was gone.

I wish I could fix it, dad.

But she could fix this.

She was a lot like her dad.

Resourceful.

Fearless.

He had known the risks when he enlisted, but he carried that burden with a quiet sense of pride. He knew that what he was doing mattered.

That's how she felt about Charlotte. She knew there were risks. But what she planned to do mattered.

Her father had instilled those values in her. It's why she never backed down from a fight.

She felt a pang in her chest at his absence.

"Em…where are you?" Alison's touch pulled the brunette out of her thoughts.

Emily was panting lightly, but it was the only noise in the room.

Alison was focused on her eyes.

"Playing with my favorite birthday gift." Emily tried to recover by moving her palm against Alison's slick stomach.

She was surprised to be met with Alison's hand as a barrier, keeping her from her chest.

The blonde shook her head.

"We don't have to." Alison caressed her face with her free hand.

"It's not that I don't want to…" Emily sighed, moving her palm down to Alison's side.

"You're thinking about him, aren't you?" She looked at her with such sad eyes that Emily found it impossible to lie.

"Hard not to." She scooted towards her. She had a look of fatigue in her eyes that she'd had since her dad died. "How did you know?"

"I've drifted off when I'm staring into a mirror thinking about how much I look like my mother. And then I remember she's gone. You have that same look in your eyes that I catch in my reflection." Alison laid her palm against the side of Emily's neck.

Over the past few weeks Alison had been treading very carefully in the bedroom. She still felt haunted by the night Wayne died.

Emily had begged her to take the pain away with her touch, but in the end it hadn't worked. Of course it hadn't worked. She hadn't been in her right mind, and Alison should have known better than to give in to her pleas.

Emily had cried after they made love that night.

Alison didn't cry when Emily cried, but she sobbed after Emily cried herself to sleep.

It was incredibly difficult to watch Emily suffer. She wanted to take her pain away, but she couldn't.

"It's been one month…and I feel like it's been years." Emily closed her eyes, willing the agony of her loss away. Unfortunately, it didn't go anywhere. "I miss him, Ali. I miss him so much."

"I know." Alison maneuvered her fingers, the tips threading through Emily's hair.

Emily looked like she was on the verge of crying, but she didn't have any tears left. She was tapped out.

"I've been trying so hard, but getting out of bed in the morning seems impossible. I can't concentrate. I have to force myself to eat and drink." With the exception of her increase in alcohol consumption. "I've stopped my morning jogs. Sometimes when you're working and I'm not I just lay in bed and stare at the wall."

Alison knew that Emily was struggling, but she didn't know it was that bad.

"Why didn't you tell me this?" Alison swallowed a knot in her throat.

No more secrets.

They had promised.

But the game had changed when Wayne died.

"Because I refuse to let this disrupt your career." Emily sighed.

"You're more important to me than my career." Alison's palm stayed in place against the side of Emily's neck. She could feel Emily's pulse pounding. "You stayed by my side after my mother was murdered. I'm not going to leave you when you need me most."

"That's not what I want." Emily frowned. "You landed a pilot on a streaming series. It's huge. You have to do it."

"What about you?" Alison couldn't stand the thought of Emily lying in bed all alone.

"You're here for me when it really matters." Emily moved forward to kiss Alison's temple.

"I could be here for you more…"

"You're sweet." A sad smile tugged at the brunette's lips. "But I'm going to have bad days. The world doesn't need to stop just because I'm sad. I'm just going to have to be sad for a while."

"Just let me know what I can do to help." Underneath the covers, she stirred, reaching for Emily's hand.

Emily squeezed her fingers.

"I could really use the support at Thanksgiving. Probably Christmas, too. I am dreading going back to Rosewood and seeing his empty chair at the table." Her voice faltered. "I'd cancel, but I can't imagine how my mom must feel staring at that chair every night. I can't abandon her. Holidays were their big thing when I was growing up. My dad especially. He always went all out to make sure it was special for us. He is the reason I loved to go crazy with the decorations. But now…" Emily reached up, rubbing her hand over her eyes. "I don't know…it feels like a betrayal to do it all without him."

Alison had a sudden realization.

That's why she was acting so weird at the party.

"You didn't want to celebrate your birthday, did you?" Alison quietly huffed out.

That was a celebration without her father, too.

"I don't want to do a lot of things." Emily tried to shrug it off. "But that doesn't mean I should be completely closed off. I had a good time tonight. Other than…" Her eyes darted to her pants, where Alison's phone stayed silently tucked away.

"Yeah, that was…a lot." Alison's cheeks flushed, a mixture of embarrassment and anger. "I'm glad I had you to save me from drowning again."

She only wished she knew how to do the same for Emily.

Emily inched closer and wrapped her arms around Alison.

"I love you." She kissed the top of Alison's head.

Alison felt the breath Emily exhaled through her nose move her hair like a wisp of wind.

"I love you, too." Alison buried her face into the crook of Emily's neck, placing a gentle kiss against her jaw. "But don't ever feel like you have to do something just because I want to do it. I wish you would have said something about the party. I know there are things I missed when I was on the run...and that you're not the same girl you were before. Things happen to us that change us all the time. I understand that. I know we constantly evolve. And when you do, I want to know about it..."

"I know. You were just so happy." Emily hugged her.

"It wasn't supposed to be about me. I just wanted you to be happy. Next time if you want to just stay in and order a pizza we'll do that."

"You really are the perfect girlfriend." Emily chuckled.

"Took a hell of a lot of work to get here." Alison kissed her temple.

She felt Emily's chest relax.

They laid in silence until Alison heard quiet even breaths. She carefully pried herself out of Emily's arms and pulled back to look at her.

Her eyes were closed, her face serene. But Alison knew that beneath that serenity darkness was threatening to pull her into a swirling vortex.

She adjusted Emily's head against the pillow without waking her and then propped herself up on her elbow. She moved her free hand towards Emily's face, cupping it tenderly.

How do you I help you?

She stayed up half the night watching Emily sleep, a sharp contrast to her first night in the condo when Emily had stayed up all night with her.

Alison was slowly starting to understand the give and take of relationships.

Sometimes she was going to need Emily, and sometimes Emily was going to need her.

In the morning, Alison set out to get help from some of the people who knew Emily as well as she did.

Alison had an early morning fitting, so she had no choice but to leave the condo. Emily had a shift at the LGBTQ Alliance Center, so at the very least Alison knew she'd be among friends.

After her fitting Alison started scrolling through her contact list, hoping that someone would answer.

Aria was in a meeting, but sent her a quick text to let her know she'd call her when she got a chance. Spencer was on a flight, so her phone went straight to voicemail.

Hanna picked up when Alison FaceTimed her.

"Alison?" She was walking somewhere, juggling her phone and several dresses on hangers. "Hey. Hold on."

Alison saw the camera moving around and caught a glimpse of a company car. Her internship required her to transport designer samples for her boss, who Alison had learned was a bit of a shrew.

Hanna hung the dresses up on a rack in the back that ran the length of the entire back seat and then climbed in the front.

"I hate driving in New York." Hanna muttered as she started the car. "What's up?"

Hanna wasn't really one for small talk. Most of their conversations were clipped because she always seemed to be in a hurry.

"It's Emily." Two words that she knew would have Hanna's full attention.

Hanna's eyes were like frozen glass as she peered at the phone.

"What's wrong?"

"She's not doing well. Her dad's death is hitting her extremely hard, and I get that. But I'm really worried about her." Alison bit her lip. "I think she's shutting me out. I think it's worse than she's letting on."

"That…sounds about right. Don't take it personally, okay?" Hanna put her phone in a dock on her car dash and pulled the seatbelt across her chest. "Emily grieves in a specific way. She'll let you know when she needs you. Sometimes she's like her dad was…"

Hanna tensed up at the mention of Emily's father. He'd been a really good man. She missed him, too.

"…she's introspective. Sometimes she needs her space. She used to tell me her dad would need time to readjust when he'd come back from a tour overseas. He needed time to process, and sometimes he had to do that on his own. Emily is the same way."

"You don't think she would ever…" Alison trailed off.

She'd had very dark thoughts of her own after her mother was found dead. At one point she had ended up in the bathroom holding a razor with no idea how she'd gotten there. She had thrown the razor across the room and run back to hide under her covers. It had been sobering.

"Would ever what?" Hanna's look of concern twisted into something different.

"She's in a really dark place." Alison tried not to scare Hanna, but she couldn't tip-toe around it either. "You don't think she'd ever hurt herself do you? I mean…with everything you all went through back in high school did she ever just…did she ever want to give up?"

Hanna's expression morphed into a look of heartbreak.

"If she did she never said anything."

They both briefly hesitated, because people carried their pain in silence until it killed them.

What Emily wasn't saying was worse than if she was in that dark of a place.

"Mona seemed to think she wanted to die after your body was found." Which had turned out to not be Alison's body at all. "It's why she set her up in that barn with the carbon monoxide."

Alison's lips turned into an angrily terse line. She clenched her jaw. Mona had tried to kill Emily multiple times. Hell, Mona had tried to kill her.

She forced herself to take a breath before she said something she regretted. She knew that Mona had been struggling with mental illness. But that still didn't excuse her trying to murder people.

"I get it," Hanna said softly. "Mona did some terrible things."

"Emily would have died in that barn if I hadn't showed up."

Alison had dragged her out. She thought for sure Emily was dead. Her lips had been blue. Alison was ready to use her burner to call 911. She was ready to expose her secrets to the world if it meant saving Emily's life. But then Emily had taken a breath. And then another. And her color had slowly started to return.

"Did Mona really think Emily wanted that?" Alison shifted her weight from one foot to her other. "She really thought Emily was feeling like that?"

"Mona got a lot wrong." Hanna glanced down and away from the screen.

Alison had a feeling she was thinking about the time that Mona hit her with a car and put her in the hospital. It had nearly killed her.

"She seemed to think that Emily would break. But Emily never did. When she was pushed…she pushed back. She always has." Hanna looked back at Alison, thoughtful and sympathetic.

"I'm worried she won't this time." Alison meekly replied.

"It's going to take time. But she knows she's not alone. Just…be there for her when she'll let you. And try to keep her sober." Hanna played with the keys in the ignition.

Alison cringed, thinking about the three tequila shots Emily had done last night.

"She's been drinking."

Hanna stiffened and looked directly into the camera again.

"Some nights she can't sleep so she takes a few shots." Alison placed her thumbnail in between her teeth, but just before she bit down she remembered she had to have a manicure later, so she stopped herself.

"That's not normal for her." Hanna's attention focused on the screen.

"I thought she was having a little more than normal because of her grief." Now she felt guilty for enabling her.

"Ali…" Hanna sighed, shaking her head. "You know about the summer after Maya died. As if losing you wasn't enough. Losing another girl she loved in the exact same manner…it broke her. She went completely went off the rails."

Hanna was right. She had gone off the rails. Alison had seen it from a distance. It had been really worrisome. It scared Alison so much that she almost went home. Emily needed her.

Emily had blacked out and woken up in front of Alison's freshly dug grave. Alison wasn't actually in the grave, but neither was the body that had been there.

"Look, we're all adults." Hanna's eyes were serious, which was a rarity. "I'm not going to tell anyone what to do. But if she's drinking…it's not going to end well. She doesn't have a problem with alcohol, but she uses it to bury herself and compartmentalize until she completely shatters."

"I can't believe I let this happen…" Alison felt like kicking herself.

"It's not your fault. You couldn't have known how bad it was." Hanna shook her head.

"I did know. I saw her. I almost came home because of how bad it was. I just...I can't believe I didn't see it happening to her again."

"You have been dealing with your own demons. The girls and I didn't know how bad it was back then either." There was a pragmatic pause before she added, "It's not like Emily talks about it. You know her. You know how she is…"

I do. And that's what is scaring the shit out of me.

Because Emily was rock solid, but when she struggled she curled up in the shadows. But the most terrifying part was not that she was in the darkness. It was that she was able to function in the light like normal. No one would ever know the demons she was fighting, because she never let on.

"She puts on a brave face and she has trouble asking for help." Hanna continued.

She didn't need to preach it to Alison. Alison already knew that.

"She has a gun." Alison wasn't sure why she blurted it out, but it startled both of them.

"She never told me that." Hanna's face tightened in tension.

"She keeps it in a safe."

Hanna wasn't sure how to respond.

"Is that why you're asking all those questions about her mental health? Are you worried she's going to…"

"I…I don't think so. She is talking to me. Not a lot. But some. And I don't think she'd do that to her mother…"

"She wouldn't do that to you either." Hanna softly pointed out. "And she knows I'd find a way to revive her and then kill her with my bare hands if she put the rest of us through something like that."

Alison wasn't expecting to laugh, but it slipped out. It was such a Hanna thing to say.

"Just keep an eye on her. Push back when she shuts down completely. But don't push her so far that she sinks into the deep end. It's a balancing act." Hanna flipped something inside the car on and then turned back towards the camera.

"Thanks."

Hanna's advice was surprisingly helpful.

"I'm glad you're there with her. It's a good thing she has you." Hanna offered a smile.

Warmth flooded Alison's cheek. It was nice to receive a compliment from Hanna, who had hated her for a long time…rightfully so.

"I didn't follow her out here." Alison saw the shock of her own image looking back from her in the little box of her video on screen. She wasn't sure where that had come from.

"Okay…" Hanna seemed as surprised as Alison, and she had no idea how to respond.

"I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that. I just…I wasn't planning on any of this happening. I wasn't really planning much of anything. I just had to get away from Rosewood. The day I left I realized exactly how you all felt three years ago."

"That place is toxic." Hanna had one hand resting on the steering wheel, but the car was still stagnant in its parking spot. She tapped her fingers against the wheel and faced Alison with curiosity. "How come you never told us the real reason you cut Charlotte out?"

The question caught Alison off-guard.

"Huh?"

"I mean…clearly she was manipulating you…" Hanna waved an animated hand in the frame before dropping it again.

Thanks for the reminder, Hanna.

"We all knew it, but we knew you needed to figure it out for yourself." Hanna straightened the phone in its dock.

"It shouldn't have taken me as long as it did." Alison muttered.

"You were blinded by old ties and family loyalty." Hanna had a similar experience with Mona. Only Mona was trying to change. "Why didn't you mention that you testified against Charlotte to protect us?"

"How did you find that out?" Alison's eyes widened.

Only Emily and Aria knew about that. And they'd promised not to tell the others.

"Caleb knows people." Hanna shrugged.

Does Caleb know people or did Caleb hack into Welby's database?

Alison considered asking Hanna to ask Caleb to break into Charlotte's file, but she had doubts about involving them. Plus she knew that Charlotte's shady habits weren't going to be in her patient file.

"So, is it true?" Hanna asked. "She wanted us to come talk about how we were okay with her release?"

"Yes." Alison fidgeted uncomfortably.

"Surprised you never said anything to us." Hanna raised her brow and pursed her lips.

"It didn't seem relevant. There was no reason to traumatize you all over again," Alison said. "And she's locked away for good."

"How sure are you about that?" Hanna glanced at her skeptically.

"They can't let her out without a majority vote and statements from everyone she hurt. That's never going to happen."

"But she's still found a way to harass you." Hanna pointed out.

"We're putting a stop to that." Alison felt a sour taste in her mouth when she thought about the audio that had played on a loop for everyone at Emily's birthday.

She sure as hell wasn't going to tell Hanna that the calls were escalating.

"I hope so." Hanna sighed. "I should get going. I get reamed out if I'm late for an event."

"Sure. Yeah. Thanks for all your help." Alison nodded mindlessly.

"Let me know what else I can do to help." Hanna shifted the car into drive and peered in all of her mirrors. "And let me know how she's doing."

"Are we going to see you at Thanksgiving?" Alison asked hopefully.

She thought that maybe seeing the girls might help boost Emily's mood.

"Probably. We offered for mom and Ted to come here, but Ted is working at a shelter and mom wants to stay in Rosewood. So we're swapping off and they're going to come visit us at Christmas. It'll be nice, because Caleb's dad will be here, too." Hanna was focused on the road now.

"Wait…your mom and Pastor Ted are back together?" Alison smiled.

"Yeah. They have been for about six months. It didn't seem like something to mention at the funeral…" Hanna drifted off.

"Right." Alison hadn't intended to talk about her relationship with Emily at the funeral either, so she understood.

"We'll be there. I don't know about Aria yet. Spencer is only going to be there one day. She's flying in with her mother, but after they eat they have to jet again." Hanna glanced at her phone. "Ah, I'm getting a call from my boss. I'll talk to you later."

They said their goodbyes and Alison went back into the fitting area.

She made a mental note to try and keep tabs on Emily.

They didn't spend every waking moment together, because they both valued their independence. Alison didn't want to overstep.

Alison didn't like to pry. She'd learned in the past that the harder she pushed…the more it drove Emily away. She wanted to broach the subject carefully.

She wasn't sure how to say "hey, are you becoming a drunk to avoid your emotions?"

The next few days she found herself Googling things like, "How do I know if my girlfriend is an alcoholic?" and "What to do if someone has alcohol poisoning" and "Talking to a loved one about alcohol abuse."

It didn't yield her much in the way of how to talk to Emily, but she did start getting ads for self-help groups, which annoyed her.

It didn't help that Emily was working more hours at night.

The brunette admitted that it was hard for her to get up in the morning, so Alison suspected the night hours were because of that.

The first night she came home completely drunk out of her mind Alison put her to bed.

The second time Emily had managed to slide into the condo without Alison knowing. She'd made herself some coffee and stayed up working on school work she'd been avoiding.

The third time, Alison had been drunk from an event herself, so they'd had some crazy drunk sex.

It wasn't until Alison woke up one morning to discover that Emily wasn't in bed that she started to panic.

Her last message from Emily had been from 11 the night before that she was working a late shift, but that she'd be home by midnight.

It was 8:00 AM and Emily wasn't in bed. Alison called her name, hoping she was just making coffee or breakfast, but she got no response.

She slipped out of bed calling for her, but she was met with silence.

She put on her slippers and was rushing out the door when she saw the lump on the couch. Emily's limp arm was dangling over the edge, but her body was facing the back of the couch. She looked like a doll that had been dropped and landed in an unnatural position.

"Emily!" She shrieked.

No reaction.

Alison darted across the room, her heart racing.

She was trying to remember the article she'd read about reviving someone with alcohol poisoning.

When she flipped Emily over, the brunette's brown eyes were wide and open.

Alison let out a scream and scrambled back.

It took her a moment to realize that Emily was rushing to sit up…and that she was breathing and alive.

Emily lifted her arms and pulled her earbuds out. She'd been listening to white noise to help her relax. She dropped them on to the table.

Alison glanced at them, surprised she'd missed that little detail.

Then again…she thought her girlfriend had overdosed on alcohol and was dead on the couch.

"Jesus, Ali…what the hell?" Emily rubbed her palms against her sleep-filled eyes.

"I thought…" Alison stepped forward, stuttering, trying to find the words. "You didn't answer or wake up. I got scared. Why are you on the couch?"

"I didn't want to wake you. I didn't get in until 4 AM last night. The person who was supposed to split the shift with me at the bar never showed." She yawned. "I figured it was a nice way to make extra money. I couldn't call you because my phone died."

Better your phone than you.

"Were you drinking?" Her eyes narrowed in on Emily.

"No. I don't drink when I serve. That's how people end up missing."

Another important detail Alison had missed…Emily didn't smell like she'd been drinking all night, though there was the faint hint of alcohol and stale smoke, which was common when she worked a shift at the bar. A friend of hers owned it. She helped out sometimes.

Alison didn't like the idea of Emily around alcohol when she was so vulnerable.

"I don't want to sound insensitive, but…do you really have to keep working so many odd jobs?" Emily rarely tended bar. Her main source of income was Lifeguarding and the Non-profit. "What about your dad's life insurance?"

Emily cringed at the mention of her dad.

"It doesn't happen right away." Emily reached for a mug of water on the table and took a sip through the metal straw. "Besides…sometimes I need to work. I need it…for normalcy. Sometimes the routine helps."

"Oh." Alison was not doing a good job of hiding her shock.

"Why do you look like you just saw a ghost? And what's with the third degree? What's this about?" Emily put the mug down.

"It's just…I know that you're struggling. And you've been drinking a lot more…"

"You've been talking to Hanna." Emily quickly put it together. "Look, I love her. I love all the girls. But I'm not the same person I was back in Rosewood. Yes, I've been taking a few shots here and there to try and get away from the pain. But I'm not going to spiral like I have in the past."

"You can't know that for sure. Grief can really fuck you up. And bartending can be a really dangerous job…"

"As opposed to putting my life on the line in choppy seas to get drowning victims back to shore?" Emily quirked a brow at her. "Everything we do comes at a risk."

"I'm just worried about you." Alison sank down on the couch beside her. She had been doing nothing but worrying since her talk with Hanna. "Sometimes when I'm going through the closet I try to think of the gun safe combination just to make sure it's still in there. Because I don't…" She bit her lip. "I don't know what's going through your mind."

The statement took Emily's breath away.

"Oh, Ali…" Emily reached out for Alison's hand, cupping them in hers, "I had no idea. I'm so sorry. I may have some dark days, but…I would never put you through that. Ever."

"But you thought about it, didn't you?"

Hearing the blonde ask the question made Emily feel as though her heart was splitting in half. Because after everything they had survived…for Emily to even consider using that gun on herself would be selfish and cruel and it would leave Alison and her loved ones in pain. She carried a burden of guilt for the way she'd felt that day. It had terrified her that it had even crossed her mind.

Alison stared at Emily, waiting on an answer.

Emily took a breath.

"When I first got the call." She scratched at her eyebrow, a nervous tic that Alison recognized immediately. "I was…I don't know. I was kind of in this weird fugue state. And I did…I thought about it. And I'm so sorry. I wish I hadn't. It was just this brief fleeting thought. I just wanted everything to stop. I wanted the pain to go away."

She lowered her head in shame, but Alison touched her chin lightly, forcing her to look up again.

She had a very serious look on her face, but she wasn't angry.

"Should we consider getting rid of it? I don't want it in this condo if you still feel that way." The way she spoke was direct and to the point.

"No…I…" Emily shook her head. "I scared the hell out of myself that day. I wouldn't…"

"You're sure?"

"Come on, you know me." Emily gripped Alison's hands in hers. "I love you. I would never leave you. Even when I'm at my worst I think of you."

A timid smile tugged at the blonde's lips.

"I didn't mean to make you feel bad. It just scares me that you're so good at hiding behind a mask. You've always been good at that…at masking your pain…" She caressed Emily's cheek. "But I know that as tough as you are, you're not invincible…as much as I would love to believe that you are. Please let me be here for you. I want to know how you're doing, even if it's not what I want to hear. I know you had a really hard time back in Rosewood after me…and after Maya, and I never want you to fall that low again. I'm scared because I don't want to lose you."

"You could never lose me." Emily kissed Alison's temple, "Besides, I have something now that I didn't have then."

Alison squinted in confusion.

"I have you." Emily added when Alison didn't make the connection. She sighed. "Listen, I'm not okay. But I'm not that far gone. And if you're really that worried about it…I won't drink anymore. Not like it really helps anyway."

"Just promise me one thing." Alison touched her hand. "If you do ever get to a point where all you see is the dark…tell me."

"Of course." There was something so smooth about her answer, almost like it was a reflex.

"I'm serious. Look…" Alison chewed on her lip, "I never told anyone this, but after my mom was murdered…I wanted to die."

The look of heartbreak on Emily's face struck a nerve in Alison. The brunette reached out to cradle her cheek. Alison leaned in to it with a sad expression in her eyes.

"I was in a really bad place. And I was thinking about how much better the world would have been without me. I was trying to deal with my time on the run and spiraling out of control about the lies I was telling. And I felt you all drifting away from me. So…I acted out. And I did things I'm not proud of. Because I didn't know how to handle any of what I was going through. But behind my actions there was a very sad vulnerable little girl. I would spend an uncomfortable amount of time staring at my razors in the shower…or leaning a little too far out my window hoping I'd fall…"

Emily closed her eyes and shook her head. She remembered when Alison had reached out to her. The blonde had been hiding beneath her bedspread…distraught with grief. She had reached for Emily's hand. And Emily had gripped her fingers so tight. Tight enough that Alison felt secure in that very second. It was the only thing that had made Alison feel better.

A realization struck Alison. Emily was already struggling enough. She shouldn't have piled her past on top of it.

"Oh my God…I'm making this about myself. I didn't mean…"

Emily shushed her.

"I want you to talk to me. I don't want you to treat me like glass. The whole reason this relationship is working is because we're being honest about how we're feeling." Emily's fingers felt warm against her face, and it relaxed her. "I wish I'd known you were going through that. I would have helped you."

"I don't think I was in any place to tell you. And I don't think you or the girls would have believed it anyway. There was a lot of trust lost between all of us, and I was afraid everyone would think I was doing it for attention." Alison averted Emily's gaze. "The point is…I know it's dark and lonely. And I know you've probably had some really scary thoughts. I've just…I've been scared that you would go through your pain alone. And I don't want that."

Alison reached for Emily's fingers again, but this time it wasn't about Emily comforting her. It was about Alison comforting the brunette.

"I know you're not okay, Em. But you're not alone."

The words were beautifully profound, and Emily felt them deep in her heart. Her eyes were misty with tears.

They had both come so far. And she was learning that Alison's journey had not been as transparent as she thought. There was a lot more to her beneath the surface. They were still growing and evolving, and Emily loved that.

When Emily looked into Alison's broken blue eyes she could see years of turmoil. And she finally understood how much Alison had been suppressing.

Alison DiLaurentis had not always been an open book. She had been slowly exposing her soul, little by little. And when Emily looked at her she could see the anguish and hurt and fear that she'd been hiding.

It was illuminating.

Alison was free and open on social media. She was alluring and inviting on camera. She had the whole world watching. But no one truly knew her. Not in the way that Emily knew her.

Emily's long delicate fingers traced the backside of Alison's ear as she leaned in and pressed her lips against Alison's jaw.

She breathed gently, puffing against the stray strands of Alison's hair. She kept her voice a quiet murmur.

"You're not alone either." Emily whispered. "I'm here for you. Always. I promise."

Alison felt like breaking into tears. She had someone so wonderful and so beautiful. She understood Emily on every level. She never could have put into words how much the brunette meant to her.

Instead, all she could do was clutch Emily's body…pulling her close…so close that she never wanted to let go. She knew that the coming months were not going to be easy, but she didn't want to think about that. All she wanted to do was feel Emily' heartbeat against hers.

---

A/N: Happy pride, everyone.

Glad these two are actually opening up to each other. They're slowly getting there.