Liv held onto Amanda and allowed herself to be comforted, as the overwhelming feelings of shock, panic and fear overcame her completely, and for once she let them. She was in pain, in shock and afraid, and feeling completely overwhelmed by the complexity of her situation. After allowing herself to cry for just over a minute Liv took a deep breath and leaned out of Amanda's embrace, wiping her eyes and clearing her throat.
"Sorry" Liv whispered, wiping her eyes with a trembling hand, before looking back towards their three children. Noah had borrowed a ball from the baseball players and he and Jessie were teaching Billie how to throw. She felt warmth radiate inside her and she smiled, before letting out a long, calming breath.
"You've got nothing to apologise for" Amanda assured her, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. "I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you" she sympathised. Liv turned towards her.
"I'm sure you can" Liv said gently. "You were in a similar position yourself with Jessie" she added. Amanda considered her response for a moment before responding.
"That was different" Amanda replied. "Declan and I... it was a one-time thing" she explained.
"So was me and Barba" Liv responded, the words sounding strange as she spoke them out loud. "It was just one night."
"It wasn't just one night, Liv" Amanda said gently, prompting Liv to turn towards her with a confused expression. "You might've only slept together once" she continued cautiously, "but that man has loved you for eight years" she added.
Liv felt a familiar combination of excitement and fear, which was both terrifying and exhilarating. She suppressed it immediately and shook her head, even as Rafa's assurance he understood what it was like to love someone unconditionally returned to her, which such clarity it was as if he was sitting right beside her.
"Rafael Barba doesn't love me" Liv said quietly, shaking her head as she spoke.
"Are you kidding?" Amanda asked, the surprise in her tone taking Liv off-guard. "Anyone who has ever seen you together can see that he loves you. He adores you" she continued, her passion surprising Liv somewhat.
"The last time we met, he told me he understood what it was like to love someone unconditionally" Liv said quietly, the words escaping her lips before she had a chance to stop them.
"Liv, he was talking about you" Amanda responded immediately. Liv swallowed hard.
"Maybe he was" she conceded quietly. "But you didn't see the look in his eyes when he did" she continued, remembering that fateful night in Forlini's. "He looked so hurt, and disappointed" she added.
"Sometimes we hurt the people we love" Amanda said gently. "It doesn't mean we don't love them" she continued. Liv nodded absently in agreement.
"He thinks I love Elliot" Liv replied, staring ahead and watching the children as she spoke. "I think part of him will always believe that." Amanda watched Liv for a few moments.
"And do you love Elliot?" she asked gently. Liv considered her response for a few moments.
"I thought so, once. I thought perhaps I could, but..." Liv continued, as she found herself recalling a conversation she had in her kitchen with Amaro. "But with Elliot I was always in the same place" she said simply, frowning as she spoke. "And I would've stayed in that place forever, in his shadow" she continued. "After he left I got promoted – three times, I survived the worst experience of my life, and I became a mother" she said with a smile. Amanda nodded.
"And Barba was there for all of that" Amanda reminded her. Liv swallowed hard and nodded. "He supported you. He always had your back, Liv" she assured her. "Even when you didn't agree with what he did, he was always doing it for you" she explained. Liv nodded.
"It's just so complicated" Liv breathed, closing her eyes as she spoke. "And this makes everything so much more..." she continued, struggling for the right word and failing to find it. She closed her eyes and sighed sadly. "It was one night in a hotel room" she breathed, disbelief present in her voice. "We argued in Forlini's, he left, I felt bad and so I went to his hotel and..." she continued, gesturing with her hands as she spoke. "I didn't intend for it to happen."
"Maybe not consciously" Amanda suggested Liv scoffed lightly and shook her head.
"Amanda, it just happened" she explained, her surprise at her actions that night returning to her tenfold.
"Oh, I get it" Amanda assured her. "I'm just surprised that you don't" she said with a smile. Liv turned towards her with a confused expression. "The only thing I find confusing about it is that it took you both eight years" she added. Liv turned away from her slowly and swallowed hard. "Do you regret it?" she asked gently.
"No" Liv responded immediately, her own promptness surprising her. "No, I don't regret what happened" she said slowly, before turning towards Amanda once more. "We didn't talk about it, we didn't think about it, we just..." she continued, trailing off as the memory of Rafael's lips upon hers and his hands on her hips drew her from her train of thought. "I didn't think about the consequences of what we were doing, and I don't think he did either" she added slowly. "And I never imagined that that night would result in..."
Amanda waited patiently for a few moments as Liv composed herself.
"In a baby?" Amanda said gently. Liv tensed visibly and Amanda took her hand. It was trembling. "Hey" she soothed. Liv shook her head, but did not remove her hand from Amanda's.
"I don't think that, um..." Liv replied, struggling as she spoke. "After what happened yesterday I don't think that..." Amanda squeezed her hand and nodded in understanding.
"Have you experienced any bleeding?" Amanda asked gently. Liv shook her head.
"No" Liv breathed.
"What about cramping?" she asked.
"No" Liv said quietly. "I had mild cramping last night but when I woke up it was gone" she continued. "I just feel sore from the bruising" she explained. "But every time I go to the bathroom I keep thinking that'll be the time when..." she continued, trailing off as she spoke. Amanda nodded slowly in understanding.
"You were attacked more than twenty-four hours ago" Amanda said gently, proceeding with caution as she spoke. "The bleeding has stopped, the pain has stopped" she continued slowly. "They did ultrasounds and the baby was fine" she added softly. Liv's jaw tightened and tears shone in her eyes. She inhaled sharply and removed her hand from Amanda's.
"He kicked me so hard" Liv said quietly, her voice choked. "The pain was just..." she continued, shaking her head as she spoke. "It was the most intense, debilitating pain I have ever experienced" she added, as memories of the day before returned to her. "It's not possible for a baby to-"
"But it did" Amanda said gently, prompting Liv to turn towards her. "Your baby survived the attack, and it survived the aftermath" she explained. "Our body's are amazing, they... they make and they protect our children" she continued. Liv swallowed thickly and watched Amanda was uncertain eyes. "If you were going to lose the baby as a result of the assault, you would've lost it already" Amanda soothed. Liv shook her head slowly, despite Amanda's words having entered her mind repeatedly since the day before. She couldn't allow herself to even entertain the notion that this would be alright, because it wouldn't. And it would make the inevitable loss even harder when it came.
"You don't know that" Liv said quietly, sadness present in her voice. Amanda took her hand once more.
"I know your baby survived the attack, and was alive in those ultrasounds" Amanda replied. "And I know that the bleeding and pain have stopped" she continued. "I heard it's heartbeat" she added. Liv felt hope tugging at her heart and she immediately tried to suppress it.
"Please don't" Liv breathed, lowering her head as she blinked back tears. Amanda squeezed her hand gently.
"You've already convinced yourself that there won't be a baby, haven't you?" Amanda said softly. Liv's bottom lip trembled and she leaned back. "Liv" Amanda breathed. Liv shook her head.
"I can't think about this right now" Liv said quietly, as she removed her hand from Amanda's and slowly rose to her feet. Amanda rose immediately.
"I doubt you've been able to think of anything else since it happened" Amanda said gently. Liv turned towards her with tired eyes. "I know you're worried about losing the baby, and I get it, Liv, I really do" she assured her. "But I think the only thing that worries you more than losing the baby is not losing it and having to tell Barba" she added gently.
Liv stiffened and she turned away from Amanda. The idea of telling Rafael was overwhelming, and something her belief that her pregnancy would not continue meant she did not have to address. But as soon as she even considered the notion she found herself overcome with panic and worry. Something ached deep inside her and she knew she did not have the strength to continue with the conversation.
"He was really worried about you on the phone, Liv. I've never heard him so rattled" Amanda said gently, drawing Liv from her thoughts. "He would want to be here to support you through this" she continued. "You know he'd jump on the next plane" she assured her. Liv swallowed hard and nodded, guilt overcoming her. She knew.
"I don't think there's going to be anything to tell him" Liv said quietly, before putting her hands in her pockets and walking towards the children before Amanda had a chance to respond.
Liv and Amanda spent the next couple of hours in the park with their children, the subject of Liv's pregnancy not being raised again. As they parted ways at the end Amanda pulled Liv into a warm hug and Liv returned it, assuring Amanda she would call her if she needed to talk. She thanked her warmly then took Noah's hand is they headed back to their car, her son walking tiredly beside her.
Once they returned home Liv found herself acting on autopilot, tidying the apartment and running a bath for Noah, who was exhausted. As the early evening fell she prepared their dinner, which they ate on the couch whilst watching the third Harry Potter movie. Liv then helped Noah with a Harry Potter Lego set, which provided her with a most welcome distraction. Before she knew it it was eight-thirty and Noah was falling asleep against her.
"It's time for bed, my love" Liv coaxed. Noah groaned in disagreement and forced his tired eyes open.
"I'm not tired" Noah protested. "I'm just resting my eyes" he added. Liv smiled.
"Well, go and brush your teeth and rest your eyes in bed" Liv said gently, removing his blanket from him and helping him to stand. He protested for a few moments before ambling tiredly towards the bathroom.
After brushing his teeth Noah walked into his bedroom, rubbing his eyes as he did so. Liv placed her hand on his upper back and guided him towards his bed, tucking him and kissing him on the forehead.
"Goodnight, my love" she whispered, before leaving his bedroom and closing the door behind her.
Liv then ran herself a hot bath, and remained in it for nearly an hour, the hot soapy water soothing her aching body. It was only when the water became too cool to be comfortable that she reluctantly (and with some effort) got out of the tub and got ready for bed.
Despite being exhausted and sore, Liv found herself lying on her back and staring up at her ceiling for more than two hours, as all the thoughts and concerns she had been suppressing during the day returned to her at full force. She thought about her attack, the pain, the revelation of her pregnancy and her conversation with Amanda. The ultrasound image of her unborn child was burned into her memory, it's tiny body and delicate legs moving confidently on the black and white screen. The cramping pain in her belly so strong it took her breath away, the boot-print shaped bruises on her belly, the blood on her fingertips.
As she lay motionless and silent in the dark, she remembered the sensation of Rafael's body on top of hers, her legs around his hips pulling him closer to her encouragingly, his hands on her waist to steady her as she trembled beneath him. His warmth breath upon her skin and his whispered words in her ear. How she felt so safe and so protected as she lay in his arms. She always enjoyed his company, and found him to have a calming and comforting presence; he would listen patiently without interrupting and provide rational and intelligent advice, which was not always what she wanted to hear, but what she knew she had to. He was a reliable, dependable man who faced the most impossible situations with a sense of calmness that was infectious; even the biggest of problems seemed solvable when discussed with him. She opened up to him in ways she had never opened up to any man before, even her therapist. He always made her not only see the best in herself and what she was capable of, but believe in it. And she was struck by how desperately she wanted him to be here with her now. But Liv's confidence that this pregnancy would not continue meant that the notion of telling him simply for comfort seem as selfish as it was daunting, and she couldn't do it, to either of them. It would be cruel.
Liv swallowed thickly and turned towards her bedside table, turning on the lamp and reaching for her phone. She picked it up and re-read his most recently message to her, trying to ignore the sensation which was radiating throughout her body as she heard his voice in her mind. Her thumb danced over his name, and for a moment she almost pressed it, but something inside her made her stop. She closed her eyes and sighed in defeat, putting the phone back down upon the bedside table and turning off the light, as she lay back against her pillow for what promised to be sleepless night.
After enduring less than four hours' worth of broken sleep, Liv rose from her bed at six o'clock in morning, aching and exhausted. She had a quick restorative shower before busying herself with deep-cleaning the apartment, even reorganising the cupboards and the contents of her freezer. When Noah emerged from his bedroom just before eight she was surprised at how quickly the time had passed.
"Mum, I can't find my cereal" Noah said with confusion, his brow furrowed with concern. Liv turned away from the sink and thought for a moment, before locating the cereal in the third cupboard she checked and pouring her son a generous amount.
After breakfast Liv took Noah to baseball practice, and stood with the other parents as they watched their children. They then went to their favourite diner for brunch, before heading to the grocery store, as was their usual Sunday morning routine.
Liv pushed the cart around the store, filling it with the items on her list, as Noah made several impassioned arguments to add some of his own. As they reached the bathroom aisle she reminded Noah that he needed to choose his shampoo, conditioner and soap, a task he took very seriously, and which promised to distract him for several minutes. As Liv picked up her own products, she glanced back at Noah before heading further down the aisle towards the medical supplies section, where she stocked up on Tylenol for herself and dinosaur plasters for Noah. As she walked further down the aisle she found herself staring at ovulation and pregnancy test kits, which lined the centre two shelves before her.
Liv felt her stomach tighten, and she looked instinctively towards Noah, who had chosen his favourite shampoo and conditioner but was still debating which soap to pick. She swallowed thickly and turned back towards the pregnancy tests, their white and pink boxes mesmerising her. A few moments later she reached forward and picked up two tests, placing them beneath other items in the cart, and then walking back towards Noah. Her little boy smiled as she reached him, and he put his own items in the cart, before walking merrily ahead of her. Liv let out a slow breath and tried to ignore the feeling of anxiety and apprehension which was rising inside her.
An hour later, as Noah was sitting up at the kitchen island working on his maths homework, Liv walked into the bathroom and locked the door behind her. She walked hesitantly towards the bathroom cabinet and removed one of the pregnancy tests from where she had concealed it, before carrying it slowly across the room and towards the toilet. After taking the test she sat on the edge of the bathtub and stared at the little window, letting out a long breath as she desperately tried to calm herself, her eyes never leaving the test.
Within a few moments, the test line appeared before her eyes, a pale pink line which quickly darkened. The control line appeared soon after, and took what felt like an eternity to darken, never quite reaching the near-red hue of the first line. Liv stared at the test in shock, relief flooding her at the strong positive result, forcing her to clamp a hand to her mouth to stop herself from crying. She held the test with shaky hands for several minutes, staring at the two clear lines which she could not believe had appeared. Amanda's words of reassurance returned to the forefront of her mind, and a combination of excitement and apprehension spread throughout her body, as she finally allowed herself to believe that everything was alright.
"Mum, I need to pee!" came the urgent voice of Noah, who was standing on the other side of the door.
Liv blinked herself out of her stupor and rose to her feet, concealing the positive test in its packaging and placing it in the waistband of her trousers at the centre of her back. She wiped her eyes and walked briskly towards the door, quickly unlocking it and stepping aside.
"All yours, sweetie" Liv said warmly, before heading into her bedroom and perching on the edge of the bed, removing the pregnancy test from the back of her trousers and shutting it away in her bedside drawer.
The fact that the result of the test was such a strong positive was very reassuring; had the lines been weak or pale it might have indicated that she would lose the baby. But the test line appeared within moments, and it darkened quickly to an almost cherry-red. It had been more than seventy-two hours since her attack, her symptoms had subsided and the result was positive. Perhaps it really would be alright. Despite the indication of the pregnancy test, Liv found doubt and worry creeping back into her mind, as the memory of her attack and the pain that followed flooded her.
"Mum, can you help me with my homework, please?" came Noah's voice from her bedroom door.
"Of course" Liv replied automatically, rising from the bed. "And once we've finished that, we'll watch the next Harry Potter movie" she announced, much to Noah's delight.
After an afternoon of homework, Harry Potter and spaghetti carbonara, Liv found herself falling into bed exhausted at eleven o'clock. She slept soundly all night, waking only when her alarm announced it was six-thirty on Monday morning. Although she had slept for longer than her usually required five hours, despite silencing her alarm four times she rose at seven feeling exhausted. Even her shower only managed to rouse her slightly from her sleepy haze, and she was soon so busy with getting Noah ready for school and preparing his lunch and snacks that she forgot how exhausted she was.
As Noah was eating his breakfast at the kitchen island, Liv changed into a black suit with a dark green blouse and ankle boots. She took another dose of Tylenol which she washed down with orange juice, before grabbing her and Noah's coats and hurrying out of the door with him, keeping an eye on her watch as they walked the six blocks to his school. After saying goodbye to Noah just after eight, Liv removed her phone from her back pocket and steeled herself, as she made the call she had been feeling increasingly unsettled about all weekend.
"Good morning, is Dr Hamilton available please?" Liv asked as the phone was answered by a receptionist who was far too cheery for a Monday morning.
"Can I ask for your name, please?" the younger woman asked.
"Olivia Benson" Liv responded, as she crossed the road and removed her car keys from her handbag.
"Ah, Miss Benson, yes, Dr Hamilton said you would be calling" she responded. Liv frowned in confusion. "She has an appointment available at three o'clock, but we've actually just had a cancellation for eight, the patient has Covid" she said, typing as she spoke. "She doesn't have another appointment til nine. Could you come in now?" she asked. Liv felt her mouth go dry and her stomach drop. She inhaled sharply as she turned the corner and approached the parking lot beneath her apartment building.
"Uh, yeah, I can" Liv replied. "Thank you" she added quickly. "I'll be there in about ten minutes" she added, before thanking the receptionist once more and ending the call.
Liv arrived at her OB's office less than ten minutes later, entering shortly before half-past eight, and heading straight towards the receptionist.
"Hi, I'm Olivia Benson, I think we spoke earlier" Liv greeted warmly. The younger blonde woman smiled.
"We did, yes. Please take a seat" she said gently. "Dr Hamilton will be right with you."
"Okay. Thank you" Liv responded, before heading into the waiting area and taking a seat against the wall. She removed her phone and sent a text to Amanda, advising her she'd be a little late but assuring her she was fine. She then read and responded to a few work emails before a familiar voice drew her attentions away from her phone.
"Hello, Olivia" greeted Dr Hamilton, prompting Liv to look up immediately. Dr Hamilton was a tall, slim woman in her early sixties with kind eyes and a calming demeanour. She'd been Liv's OB for more than twenty years.
"Hi" Liv said quietly, the worry she had been suppressing building inside her, causing her to feel panicked and nauseous. Sensing her anxiety, Dr Hamilton took a single step closer and offered her a warm smile.
"Please, come with me" she said gently, in the same soothing demeanour as an elementary school teacher to a nervous child on their first day of school.
Liv found herself rising from her seat and following Dr Hamilton into her office, taking a seat next to the examination table and clasping her hands tightly together. Dr Hamilton sat at her desk and tapped away at her keyboard for a few moments, before turning in her seat and facing her patient.
"I've read your hospital notes" Dr Hamilton said gently, watching as Liv inhaled sharply. "I understand you've had a rather eventful time" she said softly. Liv smiled nervously and nodded. "Can you tell me how you're feeling?" she asked.
"I'm fine" Liv responded automatically. "I'm bruised and sore, but otherwise..." she said slowly, trailing off as she spoke. "The cramping stopped on Friday night and there hasn't been any more bleeding" she continued. Dr Hamilton nodded in understanding and made some notes on a pad on her desk, nodding as she wrote, before turning back towards Liv.
"That's very reassuring" Dr Hamilton said gently, before turning towards her computer and clicking a couple of times. "I see from your notes that there were no signs of fetal distress, placental abruption or damage to the uterus" she said, before turning back towards Liv. "I'd like to do another ultrasound, just to see where we are. Okay?" she asked. Liv nodded in response and rose as her doctor did, positioning herself on the examination table and doing her best to relax. As soon as she felt the cold gel on her belly she felt panic rise within her, and the question which had been tormenting her all weekend spilled from her lips.
"If I was going to miscarry because of the attack, would it have happened already?" Liv asked quickly, worry present in her tone. Dr Hamilton lowered the wand and met her gaze. Ordinarily she would have taken Liv's blood pressure and heart rate first and asked a series of lifestyle and medical history questions, but given what she had been through she wanted to begin with the ultrasound.
"If the injuries you sustained were going to cause a miscarriage, I would have expected it to happen within twenty-four hours" Dr Hamilton replied. "At the very least your pain and bleeding would have increased, if not worsened" she explained. "I can never assure a woman that she won't miscarry" she explained. "But from what I read in your notes, and what you told me this morning, I am reassured" she said calmly. Liv nodded solemnly in response and tilted her head back slightly, blinking back the tears which threatened to fall. "Olivia" Dr Hamilton said warmly, disrupting her train of thought.
"Yes?" Liv asked breathlessly, as she blinked and looked down towards her doctor.
"Look at the screen" Dr Hamilton instructed. Liv turned immediately towards the screen, and found herself staring at the familiar image of her baby, who was moving around inside her, and very much alive. She inhaled sharply and clasped her hand to her mouth, tears of relief falling from her eyes. "Your baby is absolutely fine" she assured her. "It's a healthy size, strong heart-beat, exactly where it should be" she continued, moving the wand around Liv's belly.
Liv stared at the screen in relief and awe, listening carefully as Dr Hamilton pointed to her baby's body, identifying its brain, heart, arms and legs. She then used a doppler machine and Liv listened to the loud, rapid sound which filled the room.
"That's your baby's heartbeat" Dr Hamilton announced. Liv smiled tearfully in response, wiping her eyes and inhaling deeply to calm herself.
"Is it supposed to be that fast?" Liv asked. Dr Hamilton nodded as she removed the device.
"Yes. The fetal heart-rate is considerably faster than an adult's" she explained, handing Liv some paper towels. Liv cleaned herself up and lowered her blouse. "Olivia, I'd like to perform a pelvic exam, would that be alright?" she asked gently. Liv nodded in agreement and got undressed, allowing her doctor to perform the exam.
"That's fine" Dr Hamilton announced, as she drew the blue sheet over Liv's hips. "Your cervix is closed and there is no sign of bleeding" she explained. "You can get dressed now" she added. Liv nodded and began to do so.
When Liv was dressed, Dr Hamilton provided her with printed ultrasound photos of her baby, and Liv felt tears burn in her eyes once more.
"Thank you" Liv said gently, as she held the images in both hands. Dr Hamilton nodded.
"Come and have a seat" Dr Hamilton said invitingly, prompting Liv to return to her chair, as the doctor did likewise. "I confirm that you are twelve weeks pregnant" she began gently. "I have calculated that your due date is January 25th" she informed her.
Liv nodded automatically in response, finding herself feeling oddly distance from her words, as though she were in a trance. She had spent the whole weekend anticipating a miscarriage, and now she was talking about the due date of her baby. She smiled nervously and nodded, before placing the ultrasound photos in her handbag.
"What happens now?" Liv asked, as she turned back towards her doctor.
"I would like to take your blood pressure and heart rate" Dr Hamilton explained. "I'd then like to discuss the medical history of yourself and the baby's father" she continued, prompting Liv to nod instinctively in response. "And then we can talk about what happens from there" she advised.
After Dr Hamilton took Liv's blood pressure and heart rate (both of which were normal), Liv provided her with details of her medical history. When asked about Rafa's, she advised that he and his mother were in good health, as far as she knew. His maternal grandmother died from a heart-attack in her late seventies, and his father died of complications from Diabetes. She did not know if it was type 1 or type 2.
"It would be helpful if you could find out" Dr Hamilton advised. Liv nodded in agreement, and did her best to ignore the tightening sensation in the pit of her stomach.
"Something else I need to talk to you about" Dr Hamilton began gently, as she placed her pen down and faced Liv. "Is the risks and complications which can occur during pregnancy when the mother is older" she explained. "I'm sure you've been reading up on them online, but-"
"Actually, I haven't" Liv advised, meeting her doctor's gaze as she spoke. "Given the nature of my injuries, and the pain and bleeding I experienced after, I... I didn't think that this pregnancy would continue" she said slowly. "I thought I'd miscarry over the weekend and you'd confirm it when I saw you" she advised. Dr Hamilton's expression softened and she nodded. "So I haven't Googled anything" she explained.
"That's understandable" Dr Hamilton said gently, waiting patiently for her patient to continue.
"To be honest, this has all come as rather a shock" Liv said, smiling nervously as she spoke. "I hadn't even thought it was possible that I could get pregnant" she explained. "I'm forty-eight" she added. Dr Hamilton nodded.
"Women in their mid to late forties often experience an increase in fertility before they reach the menopause" Dr Hamilton advised. "You'd be surprised by how often that results in a surprise pregnancy" she explained. "I have a patient whose youngest child I delivered twenty-four years ago, and she's currently seven months pregnant" she advised.
"Wow" Liv said quietly. Dr Hamilton smiled and nodded.
"Olivia, I need to tell you, there are complications associated with pregnancies in mothers who are older" Dr Hamilton explained gently.
"What kind of complications?" Liv asked.
"There are higher risks of miscarriage, pre-term delivery, or a complication which would require a pre-term delivery" Dr Hamilton advised. "There is also an increased risk in the baby having a genetic abnormality or condition" she explained gently. "These can be conditions which are manageable, or ones which are life-limiting and incurable" she advised. Liv felt her mouth go dry and she nodded. "Have you heard of a procedure called Amniocentesis?" she asked.
"Yes" Liv responded. "It's a test for those conditions, performed during pregnancy" she advised. "They can also test paternity, which is where I've come across them , professionally" she explained. Dr Hamilton nodded.
"I'm not trying to scare you, Olivia" Dr Hamilton said gently. "Many older women go on to have healthy pregnancies and healthy babies" she assured her. "There are risks in all pregnancies, those risks are simply higher in yours" she advised. Liv nodded in response.
"I understand" Liv assured her. "So you'd recommend the Amnio?" she asked.
"Yes, I would" Dr Hamilton responded. "It is entirely your decision, of course, but it is something I would strongly urge you to consider" she explained. Liv felt worry creep over her, and she found herself immediately thinking of Rafa, and the strong desire she had for him to be beside her right now.
"How long does it take for the results to come back?" Liv asked curiously.
"Some results come back within a few days" Dr Hamilton advised. "But results for some of the rarer conditions take two to three weeks" she explained. Liv felt her stomach tighten. A weekend of uncertainty had been unbearable, she couldn't imagine a month.
"Isn't there a risk of miscarriage?" Liv asked. Dr Hamilton nodded slowly.
"There is a very small chance that the test could result in a miscarriage" Dr Hamilton explained. "We don't carry them out until around fifteen weeks, to be as safe as possible" she explained. "The majority of miscarriages occur in the first twelve weeks, so we wait until the mother is into her second trimester" she explained. Liv nodded in understanding. "It isn't something you have to decide on now" she assured her, as she opened her desk drawer and pulled out a two-inch thick packet of leaflets, which she had clearly put together prior to the appointment. "Here is some information on your pregnancy, and the Amniocentesis" she said, passing the documents to Liv. "We can discuss what you'd like to do when you've had a chance to read them. And I can answer any of your questions" she added kindly. Liv nodded automatically in response, thanking her doctor as she placed the leaflets in her handbag. "I'd like to see you in two weeks' time, Olivia" she explained, prompting Liv to look up at her. "And every two weeks of your pregnancy" she advised. "I know you have a young son and a demanding job, so we will make the appointments work for you" she assured her. "Does Monday at eight-thirty work for you?" she asked.
"That would be great, thank you" Liv advised, removing her phone from her bag and entering the details into her calendar.
"I'd like to prescribe you with some prenatal vitamins" Dr Hamilton advised, writing out a prescription and handing it to her. "The instructions will be on the packets, but call me if you have any questions" she advised. Liv nodded and accepted the prescription, which she also put in her handbag. "Do you have any questions?" she asked. Liv looked up at her and shook her head.
"No, thank you" Liv responded, rising from her seat as she spoke, which prompted her doctor to do the same. "Thank you for seeing me so quickly" she added gratefully. Dr Hamilton took Liv's right hand and clasped it with both of her own.
"You can call me any time, Olivia. About anything" she assured her. Liv felt a lump form in her throat and she nodded, offering a grateful smile instead of verbal thanks, as she did not quite trust her voice. "Take care" she encouraged. Liv nodded and walked out of the doctor's office, feeling rather dazed as she walked back towards her car.
As Liv reached her car and got into the driver's seat, she closed the door behind her and let out a deep breath to calm herself. She glanced towards the leaflets in her bag, together with her prescription, and found herself feeling shocked, overwhelmed and completely out of her comfort zone. After a few moments' consideration she picked up her phone and scrolled through her contacts' list, her chest tightening as she went past 'Barba', before settling on her intended recipient and dialing out. She was grateful when the call was answered on the third ring.
"Hi, Dr Lindstrom?" Liv said, her voice sounding calm but very unlike her own. "It's Olivia Benson" she explained, finding herself feeling calmer by the sound of his voice. "No, no, everything's fine, I just..." she continued, finding herself lost for words as she tried to explain. "I know our next session isn't until next week, but I was wondering if you might have some availability sooner?" she asked hopefully. "Something has happened and I..." she began, her voice breaking slightly as she spoke. She took in a deep breath and blinked tearfully. "I really need to see you" she added breathlessly.