Hi Everyone!
Thank you for continuing to read and support this story, it really means a lot. I hope you're enjoying it.
I appreciate it must be frustrating that Rafa has not found out yet – but he will, and soon! I wanted to explore the dynamics of their romantic relationship independently of the pregnancy, especially in the aftermath of how things were left in the s23 finale. I also felt that Liv would be concerned about the Amnio and it would be realistic for her to want to wait and spare him from having to make another difficult decision, especially after the Householder case.
If any of the characters seem out of character please do let me know, any constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.
I hope you enjoy the latest chapter!
With love,
HQ21
Within minutes of Noah's arrival in his mother's office, the young son of Olivia Benson was delighted to be escorting his mother and Uncle Rafa to his favourite Italian restaurant in Manhattan. He walked between the adults, talking excitedly to his uncle about his day. He had been learning about the Boston Tea Party, a subject which he seemed to believe Rafa's stay in the city made him an expert on. Liv was unsurprised to find that Rafa was indeed a fountain of knowledge on the subject.
As Liv walked with Rafa and Noah to Roberto's, she found herself smiling at the exchange between her excitable son and the man beside her. Rafa's attentions were fixed upon Noah as they talked, and upon her when she joined in the conversation. She also felt his gaze drift towards her on several occasions, which she initially assumed was out of concern following her recent nosebleed. But after their eyes met on the third occasion she realised it was something more.
"Mum! Can we sit by the window please?" Noah asked as they reached Roberto's.
"We'll have to see, sweetie" Liv responded, as Rafa opened the door and held it open for them both. She thanked him and stepped into the restaurant with Noah.
Roberto's was a traditional Italian restaurant, with deep red walls and mahogany tables. There was a bar in the centre of the room and tables arranged symmetrically around the large floorspace. Half of the tables were occupied, and conversation and soft piano music filled the room. The restaurant smelled agreeably of freshly baked bread and garlic, and Liv found her mouth watering.
"Good evening" greeted a young waitress with dark hair tied back into a ponytail. "Do you have I reservation?"
"We do, a table for two under the name of Benson" Liv explained. "Could we make it a table for three?" she asked.
"And can we please sit by the window?" Noah asked hopefully. The waitress smiled.
"Of course" the waitress responded immediately, before picking up three menus. "There are three free tables by the window" she continued, leaning down slightly and indicating to Noah which ones were free. "Which one would you like?"
"This one, please!" Noah advised, choosing the one in the corner of the room next to a large fish tank containing beautifully coloured fish. Liv chuckled.
"Have you decided which one you'd like to eat, Noah?" Rafa asked, his tone serious. "The orange one looks delicious" he added. Noah turned towards him with a look of confusion which quickly turned into a smile.
"I'm having pizza Uncle Rafa, " Noah smiled, as he chose a seat with his pack to the window which provided him with the perfect view of the fish tank.
"You're sure you wouldn't prefer sushi?" Rafa joked. Noah pulled a face and made a noise of disgust as he took his seat. Rafa chuckled and Liv smiled as they approached the table.
As Liv headed towards her chair, Rafa pulled it out for her, and she looked up at him and met his gaze. She felt her heart beat faster as warmth pooled in her belly.
"Thank you" she said quietly, as she sat down opposite Noah. Rafa then sat in the seat between them both, and they chorused their thanks as they were handed their menus.
"I'll give you a few minutes to read the menus, but in the meantime can I get you some drinks?" the waitress asked, as she removed a small white notepad and pen from a pouch around her waist.
"Mum, can I please have a soda?" Noah asked.
"Of course" Liv responded. Noah smiled and turned his attentions towards the waitress.
"Please may I have a soda?" he asked hopefully.
"Absolutely" the waitress smiled. "Diet or regular?"
"Regular please" Noah replied quickly. "No ice. Thank you" he added. Rafa smirked, and looked towards Liv.
"I'll just have a large glass of still water please, lots of ice" Liv said casually, as she quickly returned her attentions to her menu. She felt Rafa's eyes on her for a moment, before he ordered himself a single malt whiskey.
"No cabernet?" Rafa asked curiously. Liv felt her stomach tighten.
"Not tonight" Liv replied, turning towards him as she spoke. "I'm driving" she added. Rafa considered her response and nodded. "And I'm so tired I think it'd probably make me fall asleep before the main course" she teased. Rafa smiled in response. The DiAngelo trial had been keeping them all incredibly busy, especially Liv, who had been coordinating the investigations of five boroughs from her office. She was still recovering from her recent attack.
"Mum is always tired" Noah opined, looking up from his menu as he spoke. "She always falls asleep on the couch" he added. Liv felt her mouth go dry, as panic rose within her.
"Your mum has a very important job that keeps her very busy" Rafa explained. "And she has you" he added.
"Yes, she does" Noah beamed, before returning his attentions to the menu. "What's 'polenta'?" he asked, changing the subject, much to Liv's relief.
Despite Liv's initial concerns about Rafa noticing her abstinence from alcohol and her tiredness, the rest of the evening in the restaurant was enjoyable, relaxing and one of the best nights she had experienced in recent months. She, Rafa and Noah spent the entire evening talking, eating and enjoying each other's company. Everything felt so natural and so easy, that for a couple of precious hours the worries and life-altering events she had been dealing with were forced to the back of her mind, and she lived entirely in that moment. Watching Rafa engage with Noah, who was smiling and utterly overjoyed, warmed her heart.
However, as they finished their main courses, the lasagne and garlic bread which Liv had chosen had caused her to become incredibly full, and her already-tight trousers pressed uncomfortably against the modest swell of her growing belly. Even the loose-fitting purple silk of her blouse grazed her skin in a way he had not done before, and she found herself feeling suddenly panicked. She adjusted her blazer and edged in closer to the table, the sound of the chair upon the floor causing Rafa to turn from Noah and look up at her. Liv picked up her glass of ice water and took a few sips.
"You okay?" Rafa asked quietly, as Noah ate his final slice of pizza. Liv saw concern in his eyes and nodded instinctively in response.
"I'm fine" she smiled. "Tired" she added, not dishonestly. Rafa nodded in understanding.
Liv felt Rafa's hand in the centre of her back, rubbing it comfortingly a few times, before lowering it as Noah turned towards them. She felt the sensation long after his hand had left her.
"Can I please have the Rocky Road Ice Cream Sundae?" Noah asked Liv between mouthfuls of pizza.
"You have room for dessert?" Rafa asked, feigning surprise. "After eating half of the pizza in Italy, and half of my cheesy garlic bread?" he added. Noah giggled.
"Yes. Because my dessert stomach is empty" Noah said simply.
"Your dessert stomach?" Rafa queried.
"Yeah" Noah replied, as he finished his final slice of pizza and leaned back in his chair with a satisfied smile.
"Dessert stomach?" Rafa asked, turning towards Liv for an explanation.
"You have a stomach for your dinner, and a stomach for dessert" Liv said lightly. "You haven't heard of this?" she asked, feigning surprise.
"I have not" Rafa responded, amusement present in his tone. "I guess my high school biology teacher skimmed over that key part of human anatomy" he added, smirking as he sipped his scotch. Liv's eyes shone and she laughed aloud.
"Mum" Noah asked, realising his question had gone unanswered. "I finished. Please may I have dessert?"
"Of course, sweetie" Liv replied warmly, recovering from her laughter, as she turned her head and drew the attention of a passing waiter. "Excuse me, could we have a Rocky Road Ice Cream Sundae, please?" she asked.
"Yes, ma'am" the young man responded. "Can I get you anything else?" he asked. Liv turned towards Rafa.
"No, thank you" Rafa responded to the waiter.
"I'm fine" Liv added. The waiter nodded and headed back towards the kitchen.
As the waiter departed, Liv began to feel the effects of the two large glasses of water she had drank which, combined with the heaviness of her dinner, made her feel incredibly uncomfortable.
"I'll be right back" Liv announced. Barba turned towards her and nodded, as Noah brought his Harry Potter Top Trump Cards out of his school bag and began to deal them out.
Liv rose from her chair and adjusted her blazer instinctively, before turning on her heel and headed towards the bathroom at the back of the restaurant.
Liv smiled politely at an older lady refreshing her lip stick, before heading into a stall and locking the door behind her. She quickly undid the zipper on her work trousers and pulled them down, feeling instant relief as the tightly zippered material fell away from her belly. As Liv drew her blouse up and looked down she noticed that the previously modest swell to the base of her belly was now much more pronounced, and what could once have passed as mild bloating was now quite evidently a pregnant belly. She placed her hand on her lower belly instinctively, feeling the rounded tummy against her warm palm. The pronounced curve of her belly felt strong and firm against her touch, and she inhaled sharply.
Liv felt panic grip her suddenly, and she removed her hand from her belly and lowered her blouse, relieved to find it covered her completely. The material of the blouse lightly grazed the base of her belly, but she was confident her condition was not discernable from the front, and her blazer hid both sides of her growing belly.
Liv swallowed thickly and tried to ignore the rising feelings of panic and guilt which were melding inside her. Thankfully her need to use the facilities proved an ample distraction, and so she used the bathroom and then adjusted her clothing, pulling up the zipper on her trousers (despite its protests) and smoothing out her blouse. Satisfied and relieved that her condition was not evidence, Liv left the toilet stall and washed her hands, avoiding her reflection as she did so, before making her way back towards her table.
As Liv walked towards the table she saw Noah and Rafa engaged in a game of cards. Noah was beaming victoriously and holding his cards close, and Rafa was leaning back in his chair, appearing relaxed, and causing Noah to laugh at something he had just said. Liv's guilt increased tenfold and she swallowed thickly, forcing a smile as Noah looked up at her as he registered her return.
"Mum, I'm winning!" a delighted Noah declared. "Uncle Rafa says I'm ruthless" he added proudly. Rafa turned towards Liv, who raised an eyebrow.
"I wish I could say I was letting him win..." Rafa said quietly, raising an eyebrow as he adjusted the cards in his hands. "If we were in court I'd be offering him a plea" he joked. "I'm just glad we aren't playing for money" he added lightly to Liv, who smirked in response as she sat back down, sitting as close to the table as she could.
Liv crossed her arms on the table and found herself feeling calmer in the knowledge that her belly was completely concealed.
"Would you like to play too, mum?" Noah asked kindly.
"I would, my love, but you and Uncle Rafa can finish your game first" Liv responded gently. "And your dessert will be here soon" she reminded him. Noah nodded in response and returned his attentions to beating his Uncle Rafa at cards.
When Noah's adult-sized dessert arrived a few minutes later, Liv suspected that Rafa might be even more delighted than her son was. Noah thanked the waitress warmly and beamed at the dessert, which he quickly began to eat. Liv watched him for a few moments and smiled.
"I honestly think we could get up and leave and he wouldn't even notice" Liv said quietly. Rafa smirked.
"You could be right" Rafa replied, taking a sip of his scotch. "It seems a bit harsh to leave him with the bill, though" he added. Liv chuckled and turned towards Rafa, whose eyes met hers.
As Rafa turned towards Liv his knee grazed hers under the table, and she felt warmth and anticipation flood her body. Her breathing deepened and she held his gaze, as the sensation of his hand over hers drew her back to the present. She squeezed his hand instinctively and he stroked her forefinger with his thumb, before lowering their entwined hands beneath the table. Liv looked up at Noah, who was so focused on his dessert that she was confident the restaurant could catch fire and he wouldn't notice. She found herself feeling instantly calmer and more relaxed, and she allowed herself to enjoy the sensation of her hand in Rafa's. Feelings of warmth and exhilaration flooded her, and they sat in a comfortable silence for several minutes. It was as though the spell would be broken if either of them uttered a word, and so they chose not to. Until Noah, who had eaten nearly two-thirds of the ice cream, looked up from over the sundae glass with wide eyes and a regretful expression.
"Are you okay, sweetie?" Liv asked, the sound of her own voice sounding strange to her after the recent silence. "Did you eat too much dessert?"
"Mm-hm" Noah responded, nodding sadly in agreement. Liv felt Rafa squeeze her hand beneath the table.
"I'll pay the bill" Rafa advised, reluctantly removing his hand from Liv's and rising to his seat.
"Rafa, you don't have to-"
"I insist" Rafa said warmly, placing his hand gently on her shoulder before heading towards the bar.
Whilst Rafa paid the bill Liv tended to Noah, tidied the table and left a tip. By the time he returned Noah was wearing his coat, looking a little pale, and reaching for his mother's hand.
"Come on, my love" Liv said gently, squeezing Noah's hand as she and Rafa walked with him across the restaurant. Rafa opened the door for them and they began to slow walk towards the station where Liv's car was.
The cool evening air seemed to perk Noah up a bit, as did Rafa distracting him with the promise of teaching him some other card games.
"I'll win at those too, Uncle Rafa" Noah teased, as they reached Liv's car.
"We'll see" Rafa smiled as Liv opened the back door and let him in. "Goodnight, Noah" he added.
"Goodnight, Uncle Rafa" Noah smiled tiredly, before putting on his seatbelt and turning away from the window. Liv closed the door slowly behind him and walked towards Rafa.
"He's probably right" Rafa responded quietly. Liv looked up at him and smiled.
"Thank you for dinner" Liv said gently. "I'm sorry it was cut a little short" she added lightly. Rafa smirked.
"Is he okay?" he asked.
"He will be, by the time we get home" she assured him. "That ice cream was much bigger than I realised."
"He made an impressive attempt" Rafa reasoned. "My thoughts are with your upholstery" he joked, nodding towards Liv's car. Liv laughed in response and Rafa was struck by how beautiful she was. He took a step closer to her. "Thank you for tonight" he added sincerely. Liv's expression softened and she smiled.
Liv felt Rafa's hand capture hers, and she laced her fingers instinctively through his, squeezing his hand gently in response. Their bodies were just inches apart, and she found herself moving closer to him, prompting him to step closer to her. She looked up and met his gaze, his hazel eyes soft, his expression matching her own. The feeling of his hand in hers, his eyes, the scent of him, all dizzied her senses completely. Her breathing deepened and warmth flooded her, as excitement pooled in her belly. She blinked languidly, before tilting her head slightly, her gaze befalling Rafa's slightly parted lips. Before she registered what she was doing she leaned forwards, kissing him tentatively on the lips, a gentle kiss which could be mistaken for a goodbye. She felt excitement flood her when Rafa returned it, his soft lips returning her kiss with the same uncertainty and caution. Liv deepened the kiss, placing her left hand on Rafa's chest in an attempt to ground herself, a hum of pleasure involuntarily escaping her lips. They let go of each other's hands and Liv felt Rafa's hand on her cheek, his fingers dancing down her neck as they kissed, her thoughts and feelings not existing outside of that moment.
Or at least, they didn't, until she felt Rafa's hand on her right hip, pulling her gently closer to him, the palm of his hand almost reaching her belly.
Liv broke the kiss breathlessly and quickly stepped back. Rafa opened his eyes immediately and lowered his hands from her body, his initial expression of confusion replaced by one of guilt and embarrassment.
"Liv, I-"
"I can't, I'm sorry, I... Noah..." she explained quickly, turning towards the car and finding that her son was asleep and facing the other direction. She took in a deep breath and turned back towards him. "I'm sorry" she breathed, shaking her head as she spoke.
"You have nothing to apologise for. I'm sorry" Rafa said sincerely, remaining where he was despite his desire to be closer to her. Their relationship was fragile and uncertain and he did not wish to do anything that would compromise the repairs they had already began to undertake. "Take care" he said softly, offering her a gentle smile. She nodded in response.
"Goodnight, Rafa" she said gently, her voice breathless and somewhat embarrassed.
"Goodnight, Liv" he replied warmly, before turning on the spot and walking across the parking lot.
Liv swallowed hard and got into the driver's side of her car, sitting in the seat and leaning back heavily, as she let out a long breath. She could still feel Rafa's lips on hers, his hand on her lip, the scent of him flooded her. Her body had reacted strongly to his, as his had to hers, and for a moment she had lost herself completely. And as a result of her allowing herself to become lost, Rafael Barba almost discovered her pregnancy in the precinct parking lot. Liv internally chided herself for her stupidity, and tried to ignore the overwhelming feeling of guilt she was experiencing, as she quickly put on her seat belt and headed out of the parking lot.
After replaying the events in the parking lot in her head on the entire drive home, Liv internally chastised herself for having been so reckless. But her thoughts were hindered by the memory of Rafa's soft lips on hers, his beard against her skin, the warmth of his hand upon her body. She could still taste him on her lips.
"Mum, are we nearly home?" Noah asked from the back seat, his sleepy voice snapping Liv out of her thoughts.
"Almost, sweetie" she replied. Noah nodded in response and snuggled back against the headrest.
After returning home and putting Noah to bed, Liv removed her make-up, changed into her pyjamas and climbed into bed, her mental exhaustion and heavy dinner causing sleep to quickly claim her.
Although Liv quickly fell asleep, and remained in slumber for several hours, her body did not allow her to enjoy a peaceful night's rest.
In the early hours of the morning Liv's unconscious thoughts had drifted towards Rafa. She dreamed of them kissing in the parking lot, his soft lips upon hers, the kiss deepening. She felt his hand upon her hip, his palm just inches from her belly. But in her dream, as she stepped back instinctively from his hands, she watched as he looked down, his gaze befalling her visibly pregnant belly. His eyes widened and he looked up at her with a furious expression.
"You're pregnant?" he asked, aghast. "Why didn't you tell me?" he demanded, in a tone somewhere between hurt and anger. Liv stared at him for a moment before looking down at her huge belly.
"Rafa, I'm so sorry, I didn't-"
As Liv looked up, Rafa was no longer standing before her, and instead she found herself facing William Lewis, and his crescent-moon scar.
"Is it mine?" he asked with a smile, as his hand reached towards his belly.
Liv's eyes snapped open and she sat up quickly in bed, placing her hand instinctively on her belly as she leaned back against her headboard, breathless and afraid. As Liv quickly recovered herself she closed her eyes and attempted to recover her breathing. It was only after a couple of minutes had passed that she realised her right hand was cradling her belly protectively. Liv looked down at her belly and faltered, her eyes shining with tears as she reluctantly removed her hand, and pulled her bedsheets up over her body. She eased herself back down into the bed, turning on her side and facing the doorway, and closing her eyes tightly.
When Liv awoke the next morning she was still feeling rather unsettled from the events of the night before and her subsequent nightmare. She was also annoyed at herself for how close she had come to almost unwittingly revealing her secret to Rafa. Her attempts to suppress those thoughts were quickly superseded by a developing factor which she was struggling to deal with.
After enjoying carb-heavy Italian food the night before, Liv had noticed that her belly had got bigger as the evening progressed. However, the growth she had attributed to bloating was still present, with her belly only slightly smaller than it had been the night before. She tried on two pairs of her work trousers, which she had worn before she had began working out with a personal trainer, and both pairs were uncomfortably tight. Liv sighed in frustration and lowered her head, putting her hand over her eyes as she tried to stay calm. She rubbed her forehead tiredly and picked up the third and final pair, shedding the pair she was currently wearing and wearily pulling on the only other option she had. Although they were still tight, they were the only pair she had without a zip, and so they were marginally more comfortable than their predecessors. The top of the trousers rested just above her belly button, when they had previously reached her waist. Although they were a little tight they were less uncomfortable than the others. Sighing in resignation, Liv picked up a loose-fitting white blouse with black buttons and put it on, relieved when the buttons all did up. She then stepped in front of her full-length mirror and reviewed herself from all angles. Satisfied that her outfit concealed her pregnancy, she pulled on a dark grey blazer and picked up her bag before heading into the kitchen.
Liv arrived in the precinct shortly before nine o'clock, after walking Noah to school. He had been excitedly talking about the dinner they had with Rafa the night before, and was asking when he could come over for dinner and to teach him cards. Liv had reassured him that it would be soon, but had resisted Noah's attempts to obtain a specific time frame. She was relieved when she had run into the mother of one of Noah's school friends and the boys had quickly run ahead.
Liv spent the morning in Court testifying in relation to a recent rape case, and providing support for the victim afterwards. She then had a meeting with her boss which ran up until lunch time, before she was finally able to return to the precinct in the early afternoon.
Fin and Amanda were both out on calls, and Liv was overseeing matters from her office, relieved to be able to spend some time sitting at her desk after a busy morning, despite the phone calls, reports and emails she was dealing with.
Shortly before six o'clock Liv was sitting at her desk sipping peppermint tea and responding to some emails from the Captains of the other SVUs in relation to the DiAngelo case. She heard her phone buzzing and picked it up from her desk, her stomach tightening as she read the caller ID. She swallowed hard and put down her peppermint tea as she answered the phone.
"Dr Hamilton" Liv said quietly, easing herself into her seat. "Hi" she added nervously.
"Good afternoon, Olivia" Dr Hamilton responded, her voice warm and comfortingly. "Is this a good time?" she asked.
"Yes" Liv replied quickly, feeling her chest tighten as panic brewed within her. "Is everything alright?"
"I'm calling about your Amnio" Dr Hamilton began gently. "As you know, some of the results come back within a few days, and the results for the more complex or rarer conditions take around three weeks" she added.
"Yes, I remember" Liv confirmed, finding herself feeling sick with worry. Before she could ask another question, Dr Hamilton continued.
"I just wanted to let you know that we've had some of your results in" Dr Hamilton replied. "And they are negative" she advised. "Your baby does not have Downs' Syndrome, Edwards' Syndrome or Pateau's Syndrome" she explained.
Liv inhaled sharply and pressed her hand to her mouth as relief flooded her. Dr Hamilton reminded her of the timescale for the rest of the results and she nodded absently into the phone.
"Your next appointment with me is the Monday after next, at eighteen weeks" Dr Hamilton reminded her. "The results should be in by then. But if there is any delay I will let you know. Okay?"
"I understand" Liv said, as a knock at her door distracted her. She looked up and saw Amanda stepping into the room, carrying a bag from a local department store.
Upon realising Liv was on the phone, and noting it appeared personal, Amanda, mouthed an apology and moved to leave. Liv shook her head and gestured for her to come in and she did so, closing the door behind her.
"Yes, I will" Liv responded. "Thank you" she added, before exchanging goodbyes with her OB and hanging up the phone. "Hi, Amanda" she greeted.
"Hey" Amanda returned, as she walked slowly towards Liv's desk. "You alright?" she asked, taking up the seat opposite her. Liv nodded slowly.
"That was my OB" Liv explained. "Some of the results have come back from the Amnio, and they're negative" she said with a cautious smile. Amanda smiled back at her.
"That's great news, Liv" she said encouragingly. Liv nodded.
"It is" Liv said carefully. "But there are still a number of conditions the... that it might have" she added. Amanda nodded slowly in acknowledgement.
"And it might not" she reasoned. Liv forced a small smile and nodded. "How are you feeling?" she asked. Liv sighed lightly and shook her head.
"Every time I think I can handle this, something else just pops up" Liv said sadly, memories of the night before and her nightmare returning to her. She wasn't sure she had the energy or the ability to talk about either. "None of my clothes fit, but I can't bring myself to buy new ones because..." she continued, turning away from Amanda and facing her window as she found herself unable to continue.
"Because you're worried you might not need them" Amanda said gently. Liv swallowed hard and nodded, before forcing herself to return her attentions to Amanda.
"I see you don't have the same problem" Liv teased, as she nodded towards the bag Amanda was holding. "Though it's a little late in the day for retail therapy" she added. Amanda looked down at the bag then looked back up towards Liv.
"Actually" Amanda began cautiously, "these are for you" she explained. Liv looked up at Amanda with confusion, accepting the bag as Amanda handed it to her. "I know you don't want to buy new clothes, and I get it" she explained, as Liv placed the bag in her lap. "But I also know how uncomfortable you've been feeling lately" she said gently. "These are my old maternity trousers for work, and I put in a couple of pairs of the leggings too, they're amazing" she added. Liv swallowed thickly and looked up at Amanda, without opening or looking into the bag. "I know you're feeling powerless at the moment, and like there's a lot going on that you can't control" she continued. "But your physical comfort is not one of them" she assured her. "There's no reason for you to be uncomfortable" she said kindly. Liv nodded absently and placed the bag into her own handbag.
"Thank you, Amanda" Liv said gently.
Before they could continue their conversation there was an urgent knock on the door, and Fin quickly entered the room.
"Sorry to interrupt, Liv, but we just got a call from patrol cops at Hudson University" he began. Liv nodded encouragingly. "A student has just been picked up by a bus, she may have fallen but the paramedics think she was assaulted before" he advised. "She's en route to Mercy General now, but they're not sure that she'll make it" he added.
"That's awful" Liv responded. "But why have the unis referred it to us?" she asked, confusion present in her tone. Liv noticed a sadness overcome Fin's features.
"Because the victim is seven months pregnant."