March 15, 1966
Me, Big Hank and the misses Tia was haulin' ass down to the hospital 'cause she was bout to pop. But jeez was traffic backed up somethin' fierce down main street.
So's I says to the old lady "Fuck it Tia, ain't no way we's gonna make it to the doc's in time." She's squealin' somethin' proper too. So we turns off and hoofs it to old man Johnson's farm down yonder. Figured it'd be as good a place as any to squeeze this little bugger out.
Now I ain't never birthed no baby fore but even I knew shit was movin fast. I mean i was in the millatry so i knew it was my job to whip my boy into shape if he began running naked in the mud like those damn Hippies do. Barely got Tia laid out in the hay bale fer when the kid comes shootin' on out. "Holy hell," says I. "It's a boy!"
But get a load a this chucklehead. Fattest little baby ya ever did see. Coulda sworn he was two months old already, way he was packin' the pounds. "Jeeez," says me. "This tyke gotta be 150 pounds if he's an ounce! Ain't no way that's normal."
Tia's just layin there catchin' her breath. I'm tryna figure how the hell we gonna get three people and a cow back to the trailer in my rusty ol'jalopy. Boy sure was one ugly sucker too, all squished face and fat.
Then it hits me. This kid ain't nothing but trouble. Got us hitched up on accounta " Shotgun Sue and her daddy" and now he's gonna be eatin' us outta house and home. So I looks to Tia and says "Well women, you did your part. Now he's gotta have my name whether we likes it or not."
And that's when it came to me. With a mug like that, only one name'll do. "Hank," says I. "Hank Schrader Jr."
God help us all