December 25, 1974

Gomie and I headed to the mall, hoping to waste some time by poking fun at all the cheesy holiday scenes.

Near the food court, a long line was queued up for Mall Santa photos. We hung back to observe the faux Christmas magic in action.

But then Santa took his first break, rushing behind the set. Curious, we crept up for a peek. What we saw made us slide to the floor in silent giggles.

"Get me another pint ya little shits, I can't take any more bratty kids on my lap!" Old Santa roared, guzzling straight from a bottle of vodka.

Inspired, I nudged Gomie. "Watch this."

When it was my turn, I plonked down on Santa's lap with an evil grin. He'd just opened his fat mouth to growl a greeting when - RIIIP!

His limp fake beard came away in my hand as the crowd gasped. Santa bellowed in rage but I was already sprinting off with Gomie, clutching my trophy and cackling madly at our Christmas coup.

The furious Mall Santa barreled towards us, red in the face under his bald chin. I frantically searched for an escape plan, grasping at straws.

"H-hey man, back off!" I stammered, holding up my hands. "This guy touced me. This creep was getting all handsy, telling me to sit on his lap."

Santa sputtered in rage but I plowed ahead. "I said no means no, dude! You shouldn't force yourself on kids."

A worried murmur arose from the gathering crowd. I shot them pleading looks, hamming it up. "Is no one gonna help me? He's a pervert!"

"Where did you guys learn all this from" he said

Gomie, clever vato that he is, caught on quick. "I saw the whole thing, he was feeling him up!"

The onlookers gasped, shooting Santa dirty looks. Seizing my chance, I shoved the beard into Gomie's hands and bolted, Santa's shouts drowned out by the mob's uproar. Nice going, team - mission accomplished!

Gomie and I tore off through the parking lot, howling with laughter the whole way. Adrenaline and triumph sang through my veins - that had been our finest mischief yet!

As we collapsed against a lamp post, breathless, I crowed "You see their faces?! Those mall chumps really bought my act."

Gomie was near crying, clutching his sides. "Dude, when you said no means no I thought I was gonna piss myself!"

I grinned roguishly, preening at my handiwork. "Gets 'em every time. Who'd have thought a fake perv Santa story would work so well?"