ASH'S POV
Viridian Pokémon Center
Today, I pondered, is the day I lost everything.
They always told me that losing was okay. Losing teaches you something.
Having to try and go through the catching and training Pokémon to actually overcome bigger opponents, to get there to the top, to win a league, to triumph over Masters and Elite, that's what makes Pokémon Battling interesting.
Being in the gym circuit, losing is not foreign to me. Losing has propelled me to even bigger places before—a better understanding of my Pokémon, a better relationship with them, and a better understanding of tactics I can implement in battles.
So, I understand the importance of losing. I can never get complacent because a loss is always around the corner— I learned that during the Indigo League when Charizard refused to listen to me.
It's in any battle that you're in—be it a gym battle or a battle with your friend—you can't get complacent.
But for the life of me, I cannot understand this loss.
We must accept finite disappointment but never lose infinite hope.
Those were the words that the famous Professor Samuel Oak told me, Gary, and Leaf when we all started our journeys as Pokémon trainers. Along with the threat of disowning us from his sponsorship if we ever lose the Pokédex he generously gave us.
That memory felt a forever ago.
"Hi Pikachu, my name is Ash Ketchum. Do you want to be my friend?"
"Pika? Pikachu?"
A memory I still treasure up to this day. A memory that made me the trainer that I am today.
That was what is dangerous with reliving memories.
You start to question the what ifs.
Dive in. Do not try to see or hear; you can't, Ash. Just feel.
That has been my motto ever since I started traveling for my Pokémon journey.
My wandering mind will always be with the road.
There is nothing like traveling to places to experience new adventures and to meet new people and Pokémon.
Every place that I went to—the Grand Canyon, the Bell Tower of Ecruteak, the view at the top of the Sky Pillar the climate in Fallarbor Town, the song I learned in Whirl Islands, the rich cultural history of Johto the language of Hoenn, the beliefs of Kanto, the food, and the Pokémon and everything in between is unique.
As long as I feel the exhilaration of adventure. I feel the adrenaline rushing through my body like a Volt Tackle and the tremendous thumps of my heart.
As long as I feel one with nature and the beauty that the Wild Areas of the Pokémon world shares with me in that moment.
As long as I feel out of control, I will be free.
And I can't believe I might be ending my journey with all the angst and rebelliousness associated with being fiftee—almost sixteen.
Traveling. I may have taken it further than most trainers my age, leaving old Pokémon teams in favor of raising a different one for every different region.
It may not have been the best idea I have had for a long time: perhaps the hurdles (aka Team Rocket, Legendary Pokémons on the loose, and any other phonies I have encountered in my journey) subtly changed my one-track mind then— to raise a powerful six Pokémon team.
It may seem like the idea was my own all along. In any case, looking back, I realize that it was not my idea alone— like at all; it was me who caught every single Pokémon. And it was me who decided to leave them all behind.
But it wasn't just my mistake.
I actually do not remember when I started reminiscing. Was it this morning? When I got the call from Max, telling me he wouldn't be returning Swellow anymore after the bird Pokémon accompanied him on his way home to Hoenn?
"Ash…this is gonna be the biggest thing I am about to ask of you," I remembered seeing Max taking a deep breath from the other side of the call. "Can Swellow stay with me? I think he wants to be here when I start my own journey."
"Uhm…why?" I remembered asking. At a loss for words. But instead of focusing on whatever answer Max had for me, all I saw was Swellow peering on top of the boy's shoulders. A fatherly look on his avian's face.
And right there and then, I knew I lost him to Max.
"You will take care of him?" I recalled asking, voice strained as I looked into his eyes.
He nodded.
"Of course, Ash. I will take care of him to the best of my abilities." But I wasn't talking to Max at all.
Or maybe I started remembering when May said her goodbyes, albeit we parted in an argument, and she never looked back as she made her way out of the restaurant, we were eating this morning and left for Johto.
"All your gym battles and misadventures hindered me from winning the Grand Festival, I hate you, Ash Ketchum!" I evoked the memory of how May Maple shouted her anger but the rivers of tears pouring out from her eyes betrayed her, telling me that she didn't mean it.
But she was hurt.
And I understand that.
I really do.
"I am so sorry, May."
But I was hurt too.
Maybe it was then when my eyes prickled with salt tears as I watched her back, the trainer I first considered as a student, leaving me behind.
Maybe it was then when Brock offered a roll of tissue, not saying a word just being there for me. As silent and as sturdy as an obsidian.
Maybe it was then.
I don't know.
But something happened after. At least, I don't expect it because I don't think of Viridian as a city that cares about me.
But a shift has occurred since I walked out of the field where Gary and I just battled that very afternoon—after they all left, even Brock, and now it seems I have become someone forgotten.
"Pikachu?"
"Torkoal." I can hear his tears from all the way here.
"Scep. Sceptile."
"Gla-Glalie?"
"Corphish-phish?"
A twenty-something steps from me, lay the ruins of the recent team I just disappointed. Yet again.
Pikachu is still tired. Sceptile is leaning against the wall, a calm acceptance in his eyes while Torkoal is crying for the second time that morning. Glalie is trying to show his support even if he is a little confused himself. Corphish is just happy to be included.
And I just sat there, at three A.M. on the edge of my bed. A small part of my sleep-deprived brain remembered an alternate reality where I won—and then I lost it. As if I had woken from a comfortable sleep.
I looked around. White bed in the Pokémon Center. I am still in Viridian City.
I pulled the duvet over me and returned to reality.
I lost.
They said that defeat is for the valiant trainers. Only they will know the honor of losing and the joy of winning.
But tonight, I feel like I am the most cowardly trainer ever.
Losing never felt like this. Like somehow, somewhere in the haze, I betrayed myself.
They were right when they told me that you have no choice in how you lose.
Yesterday's battle played in my mind like a looped supercut.
Pikachu against Gary's Electivire.
"No! Pikachu, buddy, you must get up. I know you can do it. I believe in you."
The desperation clung to my voice like a hopeless prayer. A lullaby of unwanted melodies trying to cure chronic maladies.
But my rival was unforgiving.
"Electivire, send him flying with Mega Punch then bring him down with Mega Kick. Now, finish that rodent with Focus Blast!" I watched in unbridled horror as Pikachu failed to evade the devastating Fighting attack.
"Pikachu! No!"
"Cease the Focus Blast, Electivire." Gary patted the Thunderbolt Pokémon's shoulder, making the fighting-type attack fizzle out from the Electric type's hands. "He is not getting up from that."
My starter was covered by dust as Electivire's last attack sent tremors to the earth.
The count was finished before it even started.
Standing in the then dull gray battlefield, I went from my glowing ray of sunshine and enthusiastic self, to a sad defeated little soul in a matter of minutes.
Slowly fading in and out of the background.
Pikachu, my starter, lies there unmoving. Persistently loyal but utterly defeated.
"I….I lost….?"
"You are surprised?"
The silence was enough to answer for my rival.
"Ash, you became overconfident. You are a great and strong tactician Ash. But you became too complacent. It led to a stagnation even the best of us cannot escape…even you cannot escape."
Reeling, I tried to offer a confident smirk as if I hadn't just been slapped in the face with a factual observation that was becoming truer by the second.
"Gary, it was just a lost…" Was my bargaining reply which was only met by a disappointed shake of Gary's head.
"You leave all your Pokémon behind every time you travel to a new region, Ash. When you can bring them and help train the new Pokémon you will catch instead. But you only called them for battles you think you cannot win with your new Pokémon. In that regard, you failed as a Trainer."
"Take that back!"
"I won't."
"I just won against the Battle Frontier! Don't get cocky." Anger permeated my voice.
"And your strongest Pokémon just lost against a Pokémon I just caught six months ago. Don't get cocky, Ash Ketchum."
"It was a single defeat."
"But it was me who defeated you, Ash." He then grimaced, a contemplative look washing over his features. "I would like to see you win, Ash. I really do. But I would also like to see the friend full of desire to win. The rival who is always striving to one me up. The boy I grew up with that never faltered when it comes to loving Pokémon."
I was breathless.
"Maybe it is time to change, my friend." He whispered as I watched his back leaving the battlefield.
Leaving me behind.
Leaving me in the dust.
Again.
Most trainers aren't defeated in one important gym battle. We are defeated by one tiny, seemingly casual surrender out in the wild at a time that chips away at who we should really be.
Is this mine?
I am breathless.
Utterly defeated, my limbs feel like they withered. I am utterly beaten; thoughts overlapping, and goals lay in ruins.
Inhale. Exhale.
I feel like I have been catching my breath ever since that battle yesterday.
Inhale. Exhale.
I have never been so exhausted in my life and Pikachu was the one who fought.
Inhale. Inhale.
And Pikachu lost.
...
We lost.
Oh, Arceus we just lost.
I lost to Gary and his beast of an Electivire.
I think I am on the verge of a panic attack.
"You leave all your Pokémon behind… you cannot escape… you became too complacent… you became overconfident… Maybe it is time to change… you cannot escape… you cannot escape… you cannot escape… Maybe it is time to change"
Maybe it is time to change…
Maybe it is time to change…
It kept on ringing in my ears, Gary's words, before returning his Thunderbolt Pokémon and walking out of the field.
He is right.
I left my friends, something that I promised I would never do.
But I did.
And for what?!
To feel adventuring like it is for the first time.
I cannot help but feel ashamed of what I did or doing to my Pokémon.
It feels like…no, I let them down.
I do not know if I am just overreacting or overthinking about this defeat, but after losing soundly to Gary, winning the Battle Frontier feels futile now.
To think the same Pikachu who fearlessly fought against a Regice, a Legendary Titan of Ice, and won, just lost to an Electivire.
Why did I lose? What am I doing wrong?
How did this happen?
Am I really a failure?
Sceptile, Charizard, and Pikachu defeated Pokémon way out of their power and capabilities, and yet they persevered for me before, making us the very first challengers to complete the Battle Frontier Challenge.
The victory feels desolate now.
And I know it is not just because of my defeat from Gary.
Though, it may have been the catalyst.
Maybe it is that I had grown up a lot these past two years, even having taken the Maple siblings under my care and having Brock to be a pseudo-brother had made me mature a little.
So, I can be the best example for the Maples to follow.
Or maybe it is the fact that ever since I lost in the Ever Grandé Conference, I started to second-guess myself on everything.
Maybe it was then.
I know I could have won and passed to the semi-finals at least, so why didn't I?
Why do I always make the wrong choices for my Pokémon and let them down over and over again?
Maybe I started doubting myself, my capabilities…my worth even then.
So many maybes, so many what-ifs, and yet so few certainties.
Why am I so naive?
I know that my first ever league was pure Arceusdamn luck, my second less so but still, I could have done so much better since I already faced some Elite-level trainers back in Orange Islands, and in my third league, I already gathered a nice pool of Pokémon and a lot of experience.
So, why is it that my actions lead from one mistake to another?
It even felt like I had not grown even a little bit as a battler and as a trainer.
Not to mention this year, the Battle Frontier…
I thought I really made a mark, a testament of how I improved as a trainer since I defeated Pokémons who are considered legendary and mythical in their respective regions.
Charizard who fought claw to claw even with the obvious type of advantage barely managed to defeat the Legendary Bird of Ice.
Sceptile even though losing, faced Regirock and fought bravely.
And Pikachu, oh Arceus, Pikachu fought and defeated Regice, the Legendary Titan of Ice.
I have a finer understanding of my Pokémon now. I have greater experience as a tactician.
I am a better trainer, much better.
But why did I just lose to Gary?
I know I only triumphed because of my Pokémon's determination and perseverance to fight and win for me and not because I am a good trainer. Do not get me wrong, though, I am a nice trainer.
I know that, Arceusdamnit.
However, being nice does not equate to being good on the battlefield. It is not like I am about to start being a bad abusive trainer who will ruthlessly train his Pokémon in exchange for power and skill, but then again, I have been neglecting my Pokémon too much.
Is that any better? No.
Maybe it is my naivety, or it is my desperation… trying to replicate how journeying for the first time feels like that led me into this mess.
I love the adventure of getting new Pokémon and training them from scratch, it is always nice to expand the family, and it is nice to experience new things.
Was it really worth it in the end?
Gary is right. I became complacent.
I should not have left my Pokémon in the Ranch and only called them back whenever I wanted to. I should not have neglected my past Pokémon for the new ones.
Most of my Pokémon are only in shape and fit to fight because they keep on training themselves in desperate hope they will be called and be needed again.
I did that to them. How can I honestly call myself a good trainer?
How stupid I am to recall Pokémon for league conferences and expect them to fight like they never left my side?
Poor Kingler and Muk, they had never been on the road with me, and they were still so eager to battle for their trainer, to make me proud.
They are so affectionate every time they join my side…affection-deprived for sure.
I should have noticed that they were hungry for my attention, what kind of trainer am I to not notice that?
A neglectful one.
A failure.
Not to mention, Totodile, Bayleef, and Cyndaquil should have evolved by now. They never expressed opposition to evolution, so I should have been able to help them reach their next form or final form in thecase of Bayleef.
And Primeape and Pidgeot, oh Arceus I forgot about them too… I am truly a horrible trainer.
How can they ever forgive me?
Innocence is not a bliss and will never be a bliss.
It is a disease.
My stupidity and naivety have been hurting my Pokémon long enough.
It stops now.
"Pika pi?" I am snapped out of my gloomy thoughts by my best friend, brother in all but blood and species.
The Pokémon I let down the most. The Pokémon I do not deserve but never left my side from the very beginning.
"I am sorry, buddy."
"Pikapi." The forgiveness isshown by a warm cuddle.
"It is ok Pikachu." I smiled at my worried starter. "It will be ok. I promise I will be better for you, for all of you." The weight that I had been feeling all year long is finally lifted, like a fishbone… no more like a log was pulled out of my throat.
"I promise." I returned all my Pokémon except my starter. This has been a long night for all of us.
"Pika pi." Pikachu exclaimed, his eyes burning with determination.
He also looks relieved.
No wonder he has surely noticed my weird behavior and grew concerned.
Not to mention his personal struggle with evolving.
He may not express it out loud, but I noticed how he observed the Raichu we all saw this year with an earnest look of appreciation.
I feel like I caused him some of the insecurities he feels as of late. Maybe he feels he is not enough because I feel like I am not enough.
I will be ready though, for whatever he will decide, I will always be there for him. I feel bad for worrying him, but it is the wakeup call I need.
I stood up from the bed and left the room I was staying in the Pokémon Center.
I am all alone now here in Viridian with May having already left for Johto, Max going home to Hoenn and finally Brock having gone back home.
I know it is late, but I also know that the Professor is still awake. He always works overtime during this season with the Indigo League being so close to opening, a lot of trainers are training hard and need help at all sorts of times.
So, as I take the journey from my room to the reception desk, every step weighs like a Snorlax.
It appears I am the only one awake in the whole Center except for one Nurse Joy manning…or should I say womaning the front desk, she gave me a friendly wave as I approached the videophone.
No time to waste.
With a heavy breath of air, I booted up the phone.
It took a couple of rings before the Professor picked up.
"Ash, my boy, it is 3 a.m., what have you been up so late for?" Professor Oak asked me with a concerned yawn.
"You see, Professor, I just realized what an egotistical imbecile I have been." The chuckle that came out of my lips got everything but humor.
"Ash! / Pikapi!" Both professor and Pokémon exclaimed, casting worried looks towards me.
"It is ok. I needed the harsh but necessary wake-up call to think abouthow I become better. And I want to be better… I need to be better. My Pokémon deserves that."
I deserve that.
I do not know what it is, if it is my discernment, my solemn tone of voice, or the resolute expression on my face but the worried expression on Professor's face turned into one of dignity.
"Okay. Ash, I am all ears."
"I will take a couple of bypaths to go back for a couple of family members I left behind but when I return it will be an intense six months of training before the Sinnoh League starts. Can you teach me to be a better trainer, Professor?"
He graced me with an all-knowing but very understanding smile.
A smile that tells me he was waiting for me all along.
"I would love to, my boy." He replies with warmth seeping into his voice making my heart burst with happiness.
"You were waiting for me?" I managed to choke up. He nodded. "All this time?"
A smile is my only confirmation. They were waiting for me all this time.
"I would also recommend getting some culinary lessons from your mom. You might not become the best chef out there, but you need to know how to cook for yourself without the help of Brock."
"That is fair."
"Also, Ash, you need to know how to differentiate your Pokémon's food from their type and what food they prefer. Or how to groom them—"
"I already know how to properly clean and condition them." I cut him off, getting an astounded look from him.
One I should have expected.
"Brock has been teaching me since the first year we journeyed together, I love playing with my Pokémon so grooming came naturally to me. I do also have a decent experience in first aid but for something more demanding, I need to go to a Pokémon Center."
"That is what doctors and nurses are for, my boy." He comforted me.
"Okay. I understand, Professor."
"You also need to learn how to manage your bank account. Your mom has been doing so since the very start, even paying Brock for all the food and grooming supplies you used."
Wait…what.
"I have a bank account?" Surprised would be an understatement.
"Ash…"
Okay, I admit. I know I should have known this, but holy Arceus am I that oblivious these past few years?
"Pikapi." Even my starter is giving me a deadpan look. Geez, sorry buddy.
"Well, what did you expect my boy? That Brock was feeding you out of the goodness of his heart the whole time?" Professor Oak mirrored Pikachu's expression.
I feel like I am being ganged up on.
"Ash, you won twenty-four gym badges, twenty-eight if you include the Orange Islands', competed in three leagues even winning the Orange Islands challenge, albeit not a proper league." Professor Oak deadpanned.
"But-"
"You also entered countless events not to mention Pokémon Contests, you also acquired the seven symbols and became the first trainer to complete the Kanto Battle Frontier Challenge. All these achievements came with a hefty paycheck." He continued.
"I guess, I was just too busy about competing and journeying…it got the best of me." Cue the awkward chuckle. "I just never thought it would be this big of a deal."
"Ash, really? Why else do you think the Pokémon League is so prevalent and so many trainers partake in it? Or why did you think they would ask for your Trainer's ID before and after thecompetition?" He lectured, making me release a puff of air.
"For standard procedures?" I lamely offered.
"You still have a lot to learn, Ash."
"I know, Professor."
It is harsh but I know he is also right. I still have a ton to learn. "I will have mom teach me about my savings alongside the cooking lessons," I promised him.
Checking my Bank Account in my Trainer's private page, I fumbled with the keys for a bit. "Do not worry I could not gain that much; it was just three years of traveling… OH MY ARCEUS!" I shouted, making Nurse Joy send me a glare of warning.
Not that I can help it, my account page just booted up displaying the money I earned over the last three years.
There are too many zeros! How in Distortion did I earn that much money?
"Arceus, how?"
Too many zeros.
"Now you get my vexation." He sighs from the other end of the line. "But it was a good call from Delia, otherwise you will spend it all without care, but now that you are turning sixteen, I know you will be responsible enough to handle that amount of money."
I want to protest at the first part of what he said but I am still in shock, I have way too much money.
Also, Professor Oak is kind of… nah, he is so right, if I had known I would have spent it all carelessly back then.
"I am rich!" The old man chuckled at my childish glee.
"My first advice would be to buy a Xtransceiver, a good communication device with which you can have conference calls and I also recommend you get a PokeNav. It has an AreaNav application that shows you the region's map and where you can find different types of Pokémon or registered trainers. It also has a DexNav that shows Pokémon you may collect in that specific area and a BuzzNav that gives you the most recent Pokémon news."
Nodding my agreement, "Huh. I really need an update, Professor." I mused.
"Lastly, as I will teach you more about Pokémon, specifically the academic and research part of it, I want you to invest in a Rotom iPokePad and or a RotomPhone for taking notes and faster exchange of information."
"Wow." I whispered, amazed. "And I can afford all of that without breaking my account?"
"Ah," He breathed out, still clearly vexed with my innocence. "Yes, you can. You can even buy a dozen big bikes with your money Ash, and it will still not make a dent in your savings. Look, I will talk about it with Delia and have them here, except for the big bike. I am just kidding with that."
I chuckled at his last jibe, "Nah, professor I don't need a motorcycle and a big bike… or do I?" I wiggled my brows suggestively making the Professor look at me with another deadpan look.
I chuckled to myself as I looked into the videophone and saw the familiar expression on his face, reminiscent of the first day I became a Pokémon trainer and met Pikachu.
"You woke up late because you watched Agatha's Pokémon battle last night? Really, Ash?"
"I just love Pokémon battles and Pokémon, Professor Oak!"
"I know, Ash. Trust me I know."
I second-guess myself then.
"Professor," I called out.
I hate what I am about to say but this is for the best. This is the hardest decision I need to make today, one that breaks my heart the most.
However, they deserve to be happy and to be taken care of, something I really cannot do with the lot of them.
This is for them.
"I need you to set trading deals for thirty-one of my Tauros all except for the Alpha of the herd."
The silence that I received was almost unforgiving.
And I was too unrepentant to break it.
"My boy…" The Professor tried to find his next words. "That is a big decision that will make a bigger difference for you as a trainer as you move forward."
"I know, Professor."
"Are you sure?"
"By what? By me requesting a trade or that I know for sure that I am aware of what it may entail?"
"Both."
I offered a smile then. A sad decided tragic smile.
"It's been a long time coming, Professor."
Pikachu and Professor Oak look at me like I just grew a second head. I should not be surprised with their reaction seeing as they knew how I detested trading my friends…my family.
I love all my Pokémon and even if I did not or cannot give all of them the attention, care, and devotion they need and deserve, I will never part ways with them unless they want to or have met their own families elsewhere to take care of.
So, declaring that I am going to trade thirty-one of my Pokémon, even if they are all of the same species is like saying I just met Arceus; which given my impeccable luck will happen anytime soon.
Wow, that is a really disturbing thought that I am actually considering that to happen.
"Are you really sure my boy?" the Professor asks carefully, probably checking if I am concussed or ifhe did not hear right what I said.
An exhale escaping my lips betrayed my calmness.
"Yes, Professor. They deserve someone to make them happy, to take care of, to devote to, and someone to depend on." I answered. "It hurts me to my core admitting it, but I cannot be that someone anymore."
"Whatever do you mean, my boy?"
Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.
"I do not have the time nor the manpower to do that. It has been three years since I caught them, I mean a couple of them even hatched baby Tauros while I was away. I cannot keep up with their needs anymore. I know that many of them are itching for a fight, and I cannot be always changing them all the time, otherwise, I would battle with only Tauros."
"It would not be fair tothem." Or to me.
I took a calming breath, "And the others much prefer a calmer life on a farm, a reserve, or something like that. But just promise me that you will be extra careful with who you trade them, they need to be good people and not just good trainers." He nodded his understanding.
"Professor…" Choking up, I stare at the ceiling, willing the salty streams away.
"Yes, Ash." The older man's soothing voice became my undoing.
"No matter how strong or how rare the Pokémon do not do it if they are shady. And can you please finalize the trading deal after I return, they deserve to hear it from me and see me one last time." I could feel the tears that were threatening to spill but I took another deep breath.
And tried to hold them. For a little longer.
"I will be careful, my boy." He assures me and I can see in his eyes that he never felt prouder of me in that very moment.
I just wish I was doing the right thing.
"What Pokémon would you like, or would you prefer to trade them for?"
"You know me, Professor. Any Pokémon is a great Pokémon." I chuckled. "I will leave that to you. I trust you." He looks somehow humbled maybe because he knows how much my Pokémon means to me or maybe he is amazed by the amount of trust I am giving him.
"But try to find some of the types I do not have or do not have many of."
"That is what I will do." He replied. "If there is nothing else, have a good night my boy, Pikachu."
"Good night, Professor / Pikapi." We said our goodbyes before logging out of the phone.
"I hope that I made the right choice, Pikachu." I sighed tiredly, scratching my friend's cheek.
"Pika." He sighs back, rubbing our cheeks together in comfort.
"Let us go to sleep… we have a long couple of days ahead of us," I told him, as we make our way back to our room.
"Good night, Nurse Joy." I waved to the counter as I suppressed a big yawn.
The pinkette smiled at me, her "Goodnight, it is going to be alright, young man." fading as I ascended the stairs.
Somewhere in the Pokéworld there is a defeat for every trainer. Some trainers are destroyed by defeat, and some trainers aremade small and mean by victory.
Greatness lives in every trainer who triumphs equally over defeat and victory.
Defeat is not the worst of my failures. Not to have tried is the true failure.
So, I will try again.
For myself.
For my friends who believed in me.
For my Pokémon. I will try again.
Primeape, Squirtle, Pidgeot, and Haunter, wait for me, I am coming for you next.
I will remember this. When I am defeated again. To keep dignity, to remember why I am doing this, to grow with my friends…my Pokémon.
So, that defeat will not be a disgrace— full of what ifs and questioning my worth as a trainer.
And I hope I don't have to do it often.
an/ please just give me a chance to rewrite this. i will be better.