Only Just Begun

by Castlefan6

A/N: This is the sequel to "Trying To Forget." Please read that first. This picks up immediately after that story ends, and there will be a casket ending now after they have talked and talked well in a different manner. What happens? This will be a love story between Caskett that also deals with the consequences of actions, righting wrongs, and how some past history for each of the love birds is revealed. AU.

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I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only.

Chapter 5

The Hamptons

Same Time Frame

"Are you sure, Rick? I know I upset you, and I'm sorry for whatever I said to make you take a time out," Kate said, almost crying,

"I'm fine, Kate; I'm sorry I let my emotions show." He said, but Kate knew this wasn't the same Rick who had gone to his time-out spot just minutes before.

"Isn't that what we're supposed to do, Rick? I mean, I'm confused about the timeout rooms if everything is supposed to go smoothly." She said, not backing down but trying not to push too hard,

"You're right, we have to be totally honest with each other or this, this, … whatever we define us to be will never get off the ground." He said, suddenly finding a spot on the floor he was deeply intrigued with.

"OK, so I confessed, Rick. Don't you think it was embarrassing for me to admit I had been engaged, not even mentioning the coward's approach I took to break it off?

"I didn't mention that I went to see Lanie after your dinner with her two years ago and got pretty beat up before I got the answer to the question that was haunting not only me but was almost destroying Espo." She said, recalling the incident as if it were yesterday.

"I can guess the question, but we both agreed enough of us thinking about what was said by the other and speaking in subtext. What was the question, Kate?" Rick asked as Kate turned redder than she could ever remember.

"Remember when I told you that Lanie asked me a question if I couldn't answer as a bride-to-be should have then not go through with the wedding? She asked me that morning if I loved Bob, my fiancé, as much as I loved you, and if I didn't, to please call it off. She warned me that I would be living a lie, something I could never do.

"I didn't listen to her, but back to your question, what did I ask her? I wanted to know if she slept with you." She paused as Rick coughed and struggled to catch his breath. "I know it was none of my business, but when she said no, but not for her lack of effort, then I held on to a tiny glimmer of hope. It was stupid and none of my business, but I had to know, was there even one spark left?" she said, tears filling her eyes,

"Kate, you were engaged. I mean…, when she told me you were getting married in four months, I told her I was happy for you, and I truly was. I thought you had finally met your one-and-done, and from the description Lanie gave me, he was crazy about you and you him.

"I felt relieved that perhaps you had felt something for me and was hanging on, but that clinched it. You had moved on, so I was free to do the same. I mean, there was no one special; I was really too busy to even think about affairs of the heart." He said sadly,

"I know, Dr. Burke has addressed that issue; he called it substitution. I guess it was something I had done my entire life. I couldn't be with the one I wanted, so I settled and substituted.

"When it came to saying I would love and cherish the rest of my life, knowing that you were still single and still had the slightest spark for me, at least in my mind, I couldn't go through with it.

"OK, Rick, I think we have talked around my question for at least ten minutes, don't you think I deserve an answer? " She pushed him gently,

"You're right, Kate. Of course, you deserve an answer. I'll start by saying that my hesitancy in giving you the name of the lady has nothing to do with my feelings toward her romantically. I didn't lie to you. She would have loved to push it to the next level, but after a while, she knew that my heart wasn't free, no matter what my status on some social media app said.

He looked up to see Kate waiting, not saying a word; he had seen that look on her face for years when they were interrogating a suspect. He took a drink of water and swallowed hard,

"Rick, just tell me. Don't overthink this, we were both in different positions than we are now," She said,

"Are you sure? Does it matter what her name was? I promise there was nothing more than dinner and movies and, well, some affection, but."

"Damn it, Rick, a name," She demanded

"It was, eh, I …. OK. It was Kyra Blaine. I didn't want to tell you because I knew you would go to worst case scenario," Rick said,

"Kyra Blaine?" she exclaimed in a shocked tone. She thought she was going to throw up, faint, or both. Silence from both for a few moments until she said, "I thought it was Kyra Murphy, hell you and I went to her wedding," She said,

"It seems her ex-husband Gregg has the same cheating gene as his Uncle Teddy; they only lasted 7 months before she filed for divorce." He said, "I'm not getting into the details of how we were reacquainted only to say it was for one of Alexis's dances. We visited her shop and ran into her, not even knowing she owned it." Rick said,

"So? You ran into her, so you and I both know there is a lot more to this story, especially it being Kyra. Rick, do you want to build something with me? I mean, you were always the one pushing for full disclosure. WHY the hell do I need to beg or plead for information from a man I already proved I love? At least I hope I showed you how much I love you." She said, showing the tears in her voice, as well as those pooling in her eyes. Castle had always been an over-sharer of information,

"Is that what you think, Kate? I'm avoiding telling you information because I don't want this to become something lasting, something that will lead to a, well, a….. the future. Yes, I push for the truth, and without throwing up old memories, we both know why. Have I EVER told you one lie, ever?" He said he was becoming irritated again.

"I know what I want to think, Rick; I know the old Rick would tell me anything, but this time, you seem to be holding back key facts, and I don't know why?" She said,

"Did you ever think I don't want you to hurt as I did when you brought other men not only up in conversation but when you paraded them in front of my face and, by your own admission, played games with my heart?" He shot back.

"You will never know how badly you did hurt me, not once, but several times. Yes, I knew about your one-night stands from the Tremont Lounge when Lanie and Javi were on the outs. How do you think that made me feel? I heard about Bob, the stockbroker who asked, and you accepted a proposal; he was a follow-up act to the mighty doctor, Motorcycle Boy. How do you think ANY man would feel?" Rick's voice was full of hurt and a twinge of anger.

Kate heard the words, felt the emotion, and knew that she had caused this man more heartbreak than she could ever have imagined. It was her turn to be overtaken with emotions, "Rick, I'm taking my first minor time-out; I'll be back; I need to think," she said, barely holding back the tears as she rushed up the stairs to her safe room.

Rick nodded, picked up the stereo remote, and put his earbuds in before pressing play. Music had always been his escape, his release from hurt and sadness. Out came Rod Stewart's husky tone; the words were fitting, at least in his mind.

"I Don't Want to Talk About It"

I can tell by your eyes.
That you've probably been cryin' forever
And the stars in the sky
Don't mean nothin' to you, they're a mirror

I don't wanna talk about it
How you broke my heart
If I stay here just a little bit longer
If I stay here, won't you listen to my heart?
Oh, whoa, heart

If I stand all alone
Will the shadow hide the color of my heart?
Blue for the tears, black for the night's
Fears the stars in the sky
Don't mean nothin' to you, they're a mirror

I don't wanna talk about it
How you broke my heart
If I stay here just a little bit longer
If I stay here, won't you listen to my heart?
Oh, my heart

I don't wanna talk about it
How you broke this old heart
If I stay here just a little bit longer
If I stay here, won't you listen to my heart?

Oh, my heart
My heart
Oh, my heart

It must have been on a loop; he had forgotten how many times the song played. Then he looked up, and there she was. He pressed stop, took the earbuds out, and looked at her, waiting for her to say something.

She stood awkwardly, searching for the words to get the conversation back on track. "What were you listening to, Rick?" she asked softly.

"Just a song that used to get me by many nights when things weren't so good, and, well, it took my mind off of what my own heart wanted," he replied, kind, soft, and gentle as ever. It wasn't what he said; it was what he hadn't that made her know it was a song he would rather keep private, so she dropped the questioning.

"I'm sorry I needed to take that timeout, Rick, but"

"Hey, that's why we set the rules up, no foul on the play." He said, and she blushed, remembering that was exactly what he had told Demming when he asked him if they had anything going on. Of course, neither man knew that she had overheard.

"Rick, I need to confess something. I mean, it's not in order or has anything to do with the questions we were discussing before the break. I hope that's all right?" she asked shyly. Something was really bothering her.

"Kate, the only rules were the time-out provisions. There's no rule that we need to go in any sequence or that we can't move on and then re-visit the topic later.

"You told me that you heard it. I mean, when I was interrogating Bobby Lopez, you heard me tell him I remembered everything. I know how much the Demming Debacle, as you've labeled it, hurt you, and I need to confess something." Kate saw the emotion cross his face. Was it hurt, hate, or anger?

"I'm sorry, Babe. You told me to tell you everything, so I'm not blaming you, but I heard you tell Demming exactly what you just said: "No Foul on the Play." Whatever the hell that was supposed to mean I took it as though I didn't matter to you, and you invited Tom to pursue me.

"I know, it's on me, I had just told you that there wasn't anything between us, and there never would be, but Damn it, Rick, I wanted you to pursue me; I thought you knew that, but as Dr. Burke asked, How? How was Mr. Castle supposed to know that? He's no more a mind reader than you are. I'm sorry, but I pushed Demming harder on you because of that comment.

"It was stupid again. I tried to punish you for following the rules I had just laid down, and I'm very sorry. Dr. Burke had a field day with me on that, not that you knew or would care by now." She said sadly,

"I left for a time out because I thought, again, this is me being stupid, but I felt you were using Kyra to pay me back for Demming and Josh. Hell, I know how much she and her mother hurt you when she left. I'm sorry, I should have said. I can imagine how much it hurts; I don't know anything. I never took the time to talk to you like this." She said sadly, tears once again pooling in her eyes, her willing them to stay where they were.

Rick took a deep breath and then drank from the water bottle next to him. He paused for a few moments as he glanced around the room, looking at anything but the Detective. After what seemed like an eternity, he spoke, looking directly into her eyes.

"You heard me tell Demming the truth, and you punished me for not being able to read your thoughts? Thanks for the confession. It makes a lot of sense why the Demming Debacle was such a stick in my crawl; I mean, it seemed you went out of the way to embarrass me, kissing at the station, the putdowns, not only by him, but you and Espo got in a few good licks as well.

"I went home wondering, WHY? What had I done to deserve this treatment? I could understand if I had been adversarial towards your boyfriend, but he was the one who seemed to relish any chance he had to utter a put-down. I even told Roy not to punish you; you were in love, and people in that state do crazy things," he said sadly,

"Rick, do you remember how that case of Maddie's cook getting murdered got closed? You were on your book tour, so you said, but I found out you took a few weeks at the Hamptons by yourself to prepare for it. I know you told Roy who the killer was, even after I hauled Maddie in for spite. I also know that Walt Autin is your Attorney and showed up to represent my old friend.

"He told me point blank, "Detective, if you have evidence, arrest my client, but remember, I will sue you and the department for False Arrest if you think your flimsy connection will hold up in court. Come along, Miss Quellar. Do not answer ANY more questions from anyone, including your friend from the NYPD.

"I know Maddie left with you that night, but she would never speak about what happened after the interrogation. I have no idea, but knowing Maddie, well, I, eh… hell, my mind went to the worst-case scenario and had you two in bed all night.

"That hurt me, Rick; I know I had a boyfriend and again caught hell from Dr. Burke about my selfish behavior. He asked me, "Kate, do you want Mr. Castle, or is it that you just don't want him to have anyone until YOU decide the timing is right for you two to get together?" She said, and she found the floor with her eyes.

"How did you answer that question, Kate? Which was true, you didn't want me, or you did but were afraid? Oh, by the way, my driver took Maddie home; I walked her to her door and kissed her goodnight on the cheek. I know there could have been more, but it was too meta, such a close friend of the woman that I, eh, … had some feelings I was trying to get over. She said something about you and her in high school and wouldn't go through a repeat performance."

"Well, when you didn't come in the next day, Roy called me into his office along with Detective Haller, who had found the brother's cracked shoes and the backpack with the cash and solved the case based on your lead. It wasn't just embarrassing; it was hurtful. I know, Rick, I know, you tried to offer your input several times, but Tom put you down, "

"It wasn't only Demming," Rick interrupted." From my memory, you and Espo got in a few good shots on your own. So that's what helped me decide that the NYPD had gotten along great without me, and I was offering no value. So, I decided to pursue a childhood dream, putting myself first for once in my life. You also haven't answered my question, Which was it?" He said the emotion in his voice was controlled, but it was evident she had hurt him very badly.

"I told Dr. Burke that I wanted to have you as my romantic partner, but it was complicated. He replied without even looking up from his notes. I can see who is making it complicated. You need to come to a decision before the decision is made for you. Do you want Mr. Castle, or don't you? He won't wait forever, Kate."

"Back to why I had to take a time out, Rick, I immediately envisioned you, a free man with no obligation and your true love, or the one that got away with having a do-over. I'm sorry you told me you had the opportunity but didn't want to go to the next level. I have to believe that, or I'll go crazy just thinking about you two," She said as the tears fell gently. Out came that damn handkerchief as she dabbed her eyes.

"Kate, do you think it was any easier for me to see you, especially in the arms of Demming and Josh, and knowing what you and Lanie were doing? I kept asking myself the same question, and it goes back to my youth: WHY wasn't I good enough?

" Why did my Dad leave? I must not have been good enough. Why did Meredith cheat? Again, I didn't measure up. Then Gina, I mean, a two-time loser, three if you count Kyra, so it had to be my fault. I had almost convinced myself of that until I went to counseling in the U.K. No one knew who I was, except the doctor, and she was bound by the same oath."

"SHE? You saw a woman doctor in the U.K., Rick, I mean," Kate interrupted, showing pangs of jealousy,

"Yes, Kate, I did. She was almost sixty years old and married for nearly forty of those years. She came recommended by Kyra, who saw her after she filed for divorce, so when we did see each other, it was more of a friendship role. We skipped that step in college, but now I had no desire to move past it." He said softly,

"What was her name, Rick? I mean if, eh, ….I mean, you feel like sharing." She got out, jealousy still showing on her face.

"Are names that important to you, Kate, or do you want to check to verify that the information I'm giving you is true? I have no problem in divulging her name, but I'm picking up a pattern of jealousy and mistrust; at least, that's my perception, and if that is the basis of whatever we have, we both know it will crash and burn." He said softly but firmly. She thought she had heard all of the tones in his voice, but this one was new. It sounded authoritarian,

"I'm sorry, Rick, you're right. You have a right to your past, and I'm sorry if I came across as mistrustful. It's not that; it's just I'm so damn angry with myself for all of the time I caused us to waste. I do believe you. Hell, it's you that should have doubts of me and my story." She said, dabbing at her eyes again,

"Is that all it is, Kate?" Rick asked in a soft, tender voice as he moved closer to her.

"No, and you know it, Richard Castle. I'm a raving jealous bitch when it comes to you. I'm sorry I had zero rights to feel that way, but I can't help it; I don't know if you can understand that," She said, leaning into his shoulder.

"I understand, Kate, but you've never told me before. It was always, "Do what you want, you always do anyway, Castle." He quoted one of her sayings that was now coming back to haunt her.

"Did you ever think all I ever wanted was for you just to say, no, don't do that, and you know I wouldn't have. Instead, as you felt when you overheard my conversation with Demming, I felt the same way you felt toward me.

"By the way, the doctor's name was Dr. Phyllis Boyd. She was a specialist in relationship analysis and was the doctor who told Princess Di to dump Charles, so it is rumored. I have no way of knowing if that's true, nor do I care.

"I will say this about Kyra: it only took three dates: dinner, a play, and then a birthday party for Alexis before she realized things could never be the same as they once were between us.

"It was a difficult discussion between us, but one that was long overdue. It wasn't just the hurt she caused me when she left without warning; I had found someone that I loved more, even if she were an ocean away and would never know or even care." He said as he pulled her a little tighter,

"Rick, not talking in subtext, are you confessing to me that you loved me? That was the reason that you wouldn't get serious with Kyra again?" She asked, holding her breath

He only got one word answer out, "YES," before she attacked his lips and led him to the bedroom to cap off day one discussions.

TBC

A/N: Don't expect total smooth sailing for our couple. We still have significant issues to discuss, but I wanted to show what the writers could have focused on to build the relationship between the two. Forget Logan and a Las Vegas marriage; stupid writing, IMO.