Chapter 8. Composure
Content warning: Contains sexual content which may not be suitable for readers under the age of 18. Description of panic attack.
With Tom still in New York on that Saturday, Joyce wanted to show him more of Brooklyn, thinking that the Greenmarket in Prospect Park would be a good start. Bucky and Sam were interested in going, so they took Hope's car, intending to go for a drive after. It was a tight fit for the five of them, but they managed without too much trouble as the two women sat in front with the seats pulled up to allow for more leg room for the three men.
Once there, they split up, with Joyce and Tom going one way, while Bucky, Hope and Sam went another. Both men soon attracted attention as they were recognized. At first, Bucky was reluctant to interact with people, letting Sam do the talking for both of them. When a boy appeared directly in front of him, looking up at him with awe, Hope slipped her hand into his and whispered into his ear.
"They know what you did that night," she said to him. "They see Bucky Barnes, not the other guy. He's just a kid and is probably as nervous about you as you are about him. I'm right here with you, okay?"
Bucky kneeled until he was at eye level with the boy, who wore a windbreaker and had his left hand in his pocket.
"Hi there. How are you?"
"Fine."
"Do you want to ask me something?"
"Yes."
"Great," thought Hope. "One-word answers." She kneeled down as well. "What would you like to ask Bucky?"
The boy looked up at his parents, who nodded encouragingly. He pulled his hand out of his pocket, revealing a prosthetic. Bucky smiled, removed the glove from his left hand, then offered it to the boy, shaking with their left hands. He heard the sound of a cell phone camera but kept his focus on the boy.
"I lost mine when I fell a long way down a mountain. I still remember how much it hurt."
The boy looked at his hand. "I don't remember because I was really little, but I don't like how people look at me."
"Yeah, that's something that bothers me, too," admitted Bucky. "Sometimes I think that I shouldn't care if they do, because my arm and hand are part of me now, but it is hard even for a grownup like me."
"Does it still hurt?"
"No, the people that made this arm made it so that I don't feel pain in it anymore. I can feel other things, like temperature, and touch. Your new hand and arm don't feel that, do they?"
The boy shook his head. "Sometimes, it itches, and I want to scratch it, but nothing makes it go away. Other times, it hurts right where the end of my stump is. Do you think the people that made your arm can help me?"
"I can ask them the next time I see them," he replied. Bucky took his cell phone out. "Do you think your parents will let me take your name and phone number so I can contact you sometime? We could stay in touch."
They both looked up to the boy's parents who nodded. After exchanging phone numbers, Bucky posed with the family while Hope took their picture. The smile on both Bucky and the boy's face was genuine. After that encounter he took on the other interactions with patience and grace. Gradually, the interruptions dwindled, and they were able to actually shop, with Bucky picking up some fresh fruits and vegetables. The time to meet up with Joyce and Tom approached and the three of them threaded their way through the rows of vendors, trying not to get sidetracked when they spotted something interesting. Near where the older couple were waiting was an artist, capturing the essence of the market on the canvas she was working on. She had other pieces of art displayed that caught Hope's eye, as she stopped to get a closer look. While Bucky waited, Sam went on to the others and stood with them watching Bucky and Hope talking to the woman. They left her there after an animated conversation then she gave Hope a card. It warmed Joyce's heart to see her daughter looking so happy as she approached them.
"Sorry about that," said Hope. "She's part of an artist's group that meets once every couple of weeks to paint the same scene. Depending on the weather, it can be indoor or outdoor, usually on the weekends although they do an occasional evening gathering for nightscapes or night portraits. She invited me to come to their next one. Said it's a great way to share techniques and ideas, as well as display my own canvases on the subject matter. She's an instructor for the public library classes."
"Hope told her about getting the sessional instructor position at Brooklyn College," added Bucky. "Her daughter is registered in the class."
"That's great." Joyce smiled proudly at her daughter. "How do you feel about dropping everything off at home, then walking over to a bistro for lunch? After walking around in the fresh air, Tom and I are starving but I don't feel like cooking."
The others agreed and they were soon at Bucky's place, as he and Sam were dropped off first. Joyce texted them to get a table at a nearby bistro that specialized in paninis, heroes, and wraps. The two men talked while they waited, getting the occasional glance from patrons at the other tables. Most were locals who were familiar with Bucky. While there, he heard a familiar voice speaking in Japanese. Looking around, he saw Yori, walking with another man. They were both speaking the language, laughing as they walked. Then Yori looked his way and saw Bucky. At first, he looked away, then he asked the other man to wait and approached Bucky. Rising from his chair out of respect for the old man, Bucky waited for him to say something. He smiled, then noticed Sam.
"Captain America?" asked Yori, gesturing towards Sam, then turning to the other man with him. "Come meet my friend and Captain America." He looked back at Bucky. "Is that alright?"
"Sure," answered Bucky. "Sam Wilson, this is Yori Nakajima. I told you about him before."
Sam stood up, bowing his head slightly.
"Konnichiwa, Yori-san," he said solemnly. "It is a pleasure to finally meet you."
"You know Japanese? Has Bucky taught you?"
"I know a little from when I visited there when I was in the Air Force," replied Sam. "Enough not to disgrace myself in public."
Yori introduced his friend Tsubasa, who lived in Queens. After the greetings were made Bucky invited the two men to sit at their table. For a moment there was an awkward silence, then Yori smiled apologetically at Bucky.
"I'm sorry I didn't speak to you last week. I was not having a good day and Unique being the way he is didn't help."
"It's alright," smiled Bucky. "We all have bad days. Has he kept his garbage out of your bin since then?"
"Yes, I think what you said to him made the difference this time. Thank you. We were just going for sushi. Would you like to join us?"
"We're waiting for Joyce, her friend, and her daughter," replied Bucky. "Another time, perhaps."
The old man nodded, then stood up and shook hands with Sam, as did his friend, who then shook Bucky's hand. Yori looked up at Bucky.
"I'm still grieving," he said, in a low voice. "Misu ni nugasu; the water flows but it is still getting caught up in obstacles. Soon, it will flow freely. Please be patient with an old man."
"For you, my friend, always."
Yori surprised him by hugging Bucky quickly then the two old men resumed their walk to the sushi place. Sam said nothing when Joyce and the others arrived, for which Bucky was grateful. He would rather resolve his issue with Yori on his own.
Before Sam left for his date with Rachel that evening, he told Bucky that he was sleeping on her couch. They had texted during the day. Both wanted him and Hope to have a good time without the possibility of interruption. Borrowing a little backpack, that he found in Bucky's storage area, Sam packed it with a change of clothes and his shaving kit. He left without his usual teasing remark, instead wishing the couple a pleasant evening.
After walking to Joyce's place, and making sure that Hope was dressed casually and brought a sweater, they walked to the subway station and got on for the trip to the city. Transferring at Brooklyn City Hall they took the train with Chelsea Pier as a stop. As they sat together Hope looked at him with a knowing smile.
"Are we taking a boat ride?"
"Yeah, a sunset sailboat cruise," he said. "It's one of those touristy things I always wanted to do. I thought seeing the night lights of the city might be a good date."
"I'm glad you told me to eat first and dress warmly," she said. "That was thoughtful."
"I try," he smiled, interlacing his hand with hers. "It was Tom's idea, actually. He's been trying to talk your mom into it."
Hope giggled. "Good luck with that. She gets seasick but I bet she hasn't told him that. Dad used to tease her about it. Are you okay on a boat?"
He nodded. "Used to work the docks in the 1930s so there were times I had to move a small boat from one pier to another. Even helped out on a tug once in a while. It's been some time since then, but I think I can handle it."
They had to walk a little bit to get to the pier but were there with enough time to relax before they boarded. They staked out their spot and were soon on their way with six others. It took a little while before the sailboat reached Ellis Island, then the Statue of Liberty soon after. They got some great selfies with the lady silhouetted by the sunset. The next area of interest was the South Street Seaport and the Brooklyn Bridge. Both of them had seen the bridge often from above and Bucky had worked under it several times before the war and went under when he shipped out, but this was the first time since then. He felt a surge of pride when he saw it up close from below once more. The area in Brooklyn known as DUMBO was next, sandwiched between the Manhattan Bridge and Williamsburg Bridge. With the sun fully down and the skies darkening the lights of the city leant an incredible backdrop to the East River. As the sailboat moved north of the Williamsburg Bridge, they had an incredible view of the Chrysler Building and Empire State Building, both fully lit up as the jewels they were.
"Still beautiful buildings," whispered Bucky. "I remember seeing them being built when I was a kid."
On the way back they saw the Seaport again, then past it was One World Trade Center, taller than any building either of them had ever seen. The final landmark was the High Line, the park built on an abandoned elevated railroad. Its path was illuminated in the dark as it snaked through the streets. With the final part of the cruise ending, Bucky sat in a way that Hope could sit between his knees, while he wrapped his arms around her from behind. His warmth was comforting as the breeze on the Hudson River was cool. When they disembarked, they thanked the crew for an incredible cruise.
"I'm going to tell Mom to take some Dramamine or something and take the cruise," she said, as they walked towards the subway station. "That was really something."
The trip back to Brooklyn seemed to go faster than the trip to Chelsea. As they approached the stop closest to the brownstone, Hope put her hand on Bucky's.
"Can we get off at the next stop?" she asked.
He nodded, feeling the anticipation building within him. They had to walk a couple of blocks from the other direction to get to his apartment building. The light in the hallway had burnt out, right in front of Bucky's door. He could still see fine, but Hope pulled her phone out and turned on the flashlight to light up the door lock enough for him to insert the key. It opened, and he let her enter first, but she stopped after a few steps and turned back to him as he locked it from the inside, feeling his presence looming over her. That could have felt oppressive, but it felt more protective, like he was shielding her from the darkness. The heat radiating from him was noticeable and Hope suddenly wondered if his body temperature was the same all over or if it was hotter in certain areas of his body. For a moment they stood in silence in the darkness.
"I had a really good time tonight," she murmured. "I'm glad we went out."
"Me too," he answered, his attention going from her lips to her eyes and back again. "Do you want something to drink?"
"Yeah, if you want one, but really, I'm good."
He could hear her heart pounding, knowing that she was nervous. So was he. Long ago, he was much better at this.
"We don't have to do this, if you're not ready."
"I want to." She jumped suddenly, then laughed, bending down to pick up Alpine who had snuck up on them both but had circled Hope's ankles. "She scared me."
Carefully, he took the kitten from her and set her down on the floor. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to have friends. I deserve to have a good life. Placing his hands on Hope's waist, he pulled her close, then lowered his face to hers, waiting for a moment while he dealt with some anxiety. He could have crushed her lips with his and maybe at some point he would, but he didn't want that for their first time together. It had been so easy to kiss her before, but now, alone in his apartment, he was hesitant about doing it wrong.
"You going to kiss me?" she asked, her voice whisper soft.
"Yeah, but I was trying to figure out the best way to do it, considering why we're here. Didn't want to come on too strong."
He brushed against her cheek with the back of his fingers, then placed his lips on hers, opening them slightly. Their tongues mingled gently at first, then Bucky pressed her into the wall, running one hand up her side until he brushed against the side of her breast. When she put her hand on his and moved it to be on top of it, he became bolder, deepening the kiss, and touching her with more pressure. Their breaths grew shorter and more intense, as he rubbed his thumb over her pebbled nipple, tweaking it slightly. A moan arose from her throat while her hands roamed his chest, searching for his shirt buttons, undoing them, then pulling it off his shoulder and dropping it on the floor. With her fingers spreading through Bucky's chest hair, he grasped her bottom, kneading the round curve and pulling her even closer.
"You're so warm," she whispered, looking up at him, when they broke momentarily for air. "Even more than normal."
He breathed noticeably. "It's the serum and because I have more muscle, arousal makes me warmer," he answered, as he caressed her body. Why did I say that? She doesn't care about how my physiology works. Focus. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to have friends. I deserve to have a good life.
Easily lifting her, so that she had to wrap her legs around his waist, Bucky carried her into the bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed with her perched on his lap. His kisses went from her mouth to her neck, then collarbone, as she undid her blouse and opened it to him. Reaching behind her back, Bucky undid her bra, then pushed it out of the way to nuzzle her breasts with his mouth and tongue. Together, they pulled her blouse off, then her bra, exposing her top half to him. Running her hands through his hair, she kissed him deeply, getting lost in how their tongues tangled together. The hard bulge in his crotch pressed against her and she couldn't help but rub against it, as her own arousal ramped up.
"You're so beautiful," he murmured, cupping a breast in his hand, and teasing it with his tongue, before he whispered. "I deserve to be happy. I deserve to have friends. I deserve to have a good life."
She stopped mid-caress, her breath coming out in quick pants. "What did you say?"
Shit. He breathed out, running his hands down her back as he gazed up at her face. "It's something your mother encouraged me to say to myself. Sometimes I get into that spiral, and it can occur when the best thing is happening to me. So, I say it in my head, kind of as a reminder that I deserve to have something good in my life. Except I guess I said it out loud." He placed his hand on Hope's cheek then breathed out noticeably. "You are something good in my life and I want this..." He gestured between them. "I want this to be good for both of us."
"Yeah?" She smiled as he nodded. Shit, I want this. I want him. "I want it to be good, too, and I know I said I wanted to take it slow but ..."
She didn't get the rest out as he pulled her face towards his, fiercely pressing his mouth against hers, claiming her as his. The force of it left her breathless for a moment, then she breathed in through her nostrils, leaning her chest against his as he wrapped his arms around her back, clasping her tightly. Lifting her as if she were weightless, Bucky placed her in the bed, mouthing wet kisses down her neck to her breasts and stomach, before pausing at the waistband of her jeans. He looked up at her face with hooded eyes, his dark pupils full of lust, daring her to tell him to stop. Instead, she unbuttoned the waistband, then whispered.
"Please."
Unzipping her jeans, he pulled them down over her hips, tossing them aside. Straddling her legs, he ran his hands, one hot and calloused, the other cool and smooth, over her body, leaning over to tease her nipples with his tongue, before kissing her deeply. Keeping his eyes open, he nuzzled against her neck, then spoke to her in a low but insistent tone.
"If you want me to stop, say red. Tell me you understand."
"I understand," she replied, with a hitch in her voice. "Bucky, you're not going to hurt me, are you?"
"No, but it's been a long time for me, and it might get intense. If it gets too much, you have to tell me." They pressed their lips together again, then he caressed her face before he placed his right palm over her heart. "I can hear your heartbeat, how it's pounding right now. Mine is too. I just want to please you."
Taking his right hand in hers she drew it up to her mouth, kissing each finger as she gazed into his eyes. Then she lowered it and placed her hands on the waistband of his jeans, undoing the button. The soft hair below his navel tickled her fingers and she smiled at how he didn't try to guide her movements, seemingly enjoying this more sensuous moment. Lowering his zipper, she touched the bulge that was exposed, feeling her own core tense up in anticipation of what was underneath his briefs. Shifting enough to remove his jeans, Bucky nestled between her legs, lowering his body onto hers while supporting his weight on his arms. The heat emanating from his body was almost unbearable, like being in the sun on a hot day.
"I like the heat," she murmured, as she placed her hands on his upper arms.
"What?" he chuckled.
"Just that your body is throwing off so much heat right now. It's like baking on a beach somewhere but I like it, because it's how you're reacting to me, isn't it?"
"Oh yeah," he breathed before he leaned to kiss her then stopped. "Do you always talk this much during sex?"
"Do you?"
They both smiled and chuckled, then Bucky ran his hand through her hair, gazing at her, before savouring the feel of her mouth with his. Raising himself, he kneeled between her knees, then ran his hands up her legs, stopping at her panties. For a moment, he closed his eyes.
"What's wrong?" asked Hope.
He opened his eyes and gazed at her. "Nervous." He huffed slightly. "I'm actually nervous. I haven't felt like this since my first time. Some ladies man I turned out to be."
She smiled at him, then raised herself to her knees and faced him, extending her hands to his waist. He smiled softly at her, placing his hands on her face and kissing her sweetly.
"You deserve to be happy," she murmured. "So do I and I want to do this with you, but if you're not ready, we don't have to do anything."
"I do want to do this." He shook his head slightly, caressing her face. "I've been researching sex so that I know what women want, and I guess I built this moment up in my mind and I'm afraid of disappointing you."
"How could I be disappointed?" she asked, feeling a sense of gratitude that he was trying so hard to be supportive of her. "Look at you. You're incredibly sexy and I can't believe I'm in bed with you. Can we just cuddle for a bit and touch each other first?"
She laid back, offering her hand to him, guiding him to lie beside her. Placing his right arm under Hope's neck allowed her to drape her arm and leg over him, as she rested her head on his shoulder. Gently, she stroked his chest, finding the softness of his chest hair irresistible to touch. Bucky hummed a little and smiled.
"What?" asked Hope.
"We're going about this backwards," he murmured. "Supposed to do this after sex, not before. It's still nice."
"It is," she agreed. "You smell great and I'm quite aroused by how warm and soft your skin is. What do you use, if you don't mind my asking?"
"Just soap for the shower," he answered. "Cologne with a sandalwood base after an unscented shave balm. You feel good, too. I like the smell of your hair." He kissed her head, keeping his face close to it. "There are some things that I should tell you, now that I have you here. The super soldier serum has regenerative properties. It's why most of my scars heal quickly. The ones around my shoulder insert are mostly from when I was a prisoner of HYDRA. They weren't too concerned about good nutrition and my body focused on staying alive more than healing. Now that my food intake is better the effects of the serum are more noticeable. My hair grows faster on my head, my chest and down below." He took a deep breath. "My strength and stamina are more than a regular human. My stamina in another area is high."
Hope raised herself to look at him. "You're talking about sex, right?" He nodded. "Like is your size affected?" He nodded again.
"I can go for hours," he stammered, "theoretically. Since I haven't really been with anyone for a long time I don't know for sure." He looked at her as he stroked her shoulder. "It's not like I go around with a raging ... erection. I'm not out of control, or anything." For a moment he looked away then back at her. "This isn't easy for me to talk about but everything I've read says it's okay to share concerns with your partner. That's why I need you to tell me if it's too much. I was pretty popular back in the day, but I wasn't built like this. I'm a little afraid of hurting you."
"You're really something special," said Hope, warmly. "Can I touch you? There?"
"Okay," he answered, before taking a tentative breath.
Slowly, Hope stroked Bucky's chest, then worked her way down his abdomen, feeling the ridges of his abdominal muscles. Staying on the outside of his boxer briefs she smoothed her hand down the side of where his erection had formed, before brushing gently against it. A soft moan came from his throat, and he shifted his legs, bending his far leg up and turning slightly to her.
"Is that okay?" she asked, as she ran her hand down the hardening length.
"Yeah," he whispered. "Feels good. You can do more."
"Can we kiss?"
He turned more towards her, feeling her breasts against his chest. Her warm breath tickled his chin as he inched his face closer to hers. Lightly, they teased their lips together, their mouths slightly open. Instinctively, he ground his hips against hers, grasping her rounded cheek with his hand so that he could feel how his cock pressed against her, bringing a whimper from her. Sliding his hand under her panties, he squeezed the soft skin, then planted his mouth on hers, exploring gently with his tongue as their bodies surged forward and back. Gaining in confidence, Bucky pushed her onto her back, grasping her hands and pinning them briefly beside her head. He worked his mouth down her neck, sliding his lips over her collarbone, then to her breasts. Releasing her hands, he brought his down to her panties and slid them off, tossing them to the side. With his hands under her bottom, he busied himself kissing her abdomen, then along one hip as Hope raised her pelvis towards him. When his mouth finally tasted the warmth of her core, Hope gave out a loud gasp. Spurred on by her response, Bucky gently spelled her name out with his tongue centred on her clit, remembering that from his research. As she writhed under him, he held her thighs firmly, sucking and licking in increasing intensity, then adding his fingers, until she cried out as she came. With his face soaked in her essence, he shifted back up to her face, sharing her taste with an intense kiss that she hungrily accepted and returned.
Reaching to the nightstand, Bucky opened the drawer and removed a condom package, placing it on the pillow. He pulled his briefs off, watching Hope's eyes widen as he revealed his fully enlarged cock to her. Tearing the condom package open, he rolled it on, then posed himself between her knees.
"You ready?" he asked. "You tell me if it's too much."
"Yes," she croaked, then she cleared her throat. "You're big."
"Yeah," he smiled. "It'll be alright. You're so beautiful, you know that, right?" She looked like she was going to cry, and he put his hand out, gently caressing her face. "I mean it. There's no one else I want to be with."
He lined himself up and pressed the tip in slowly. Hope touched his chest again, and smiled at him, as he slid in further, then lowered his body until he was on her.
"Fuck, you feel amazing," he gasped, as he pulled out and pushed in again.
Hope laughed, in a way that was full of joy, then she wrapped her arms around Bucky, lifting herself up into him.
"Bucky, you fill me up," she cried. "Yeah, right there. Oh God, that feels so good."
Between the laughter and tears that their bursting hearts produced, they kissed each other passionately, freely exploring each other with their mouths and hands, tasting and touching each other during the merging of their bodies. Unlike the hesitancy and awkwardness of the first moments in bed, it was like their bodies knew exactly what the other liked and wanted and needed. It felt right, like this was what they had both been missing.
Even as Hope found herself coming closer to orgasm, she couldn't take her eyes off the face of this beautiful man who was focused on her, just on her. Every time he kissed her on her neck and shoulders, he whispered how perfect she was. When she finally came, and all of her awareness was centred on the pleasure that radiated out from where he still thrust into her, she called his name out loud. It was like no orgasm she had ever experienced with how much of her body it affected. Bucky's cock seemed to get even bigger as it was his turn to seek his release. A string of curse words came out as his thrusts became harder and sloppier, chasing the high that he needed so badly. When he did come, it was like his whole body seized up, and for a moment, Hope worried that the condom wouldn't be big enough, but he pulled out quickly, holding it in place as he hurried to the bathroom. A moment later he came back with a warm washcloth, gently cleaning her, then himself, before dropping it the laundry basket. Then he straightened the covers before getting underneath with her, sliding his arm under her neck so she could rest her head on his shoulder. Once more, she found her hand caressing the warm hair on his chest, the sensation of the soft curls satisfying something primal within her that was starved for it before this evening.
"Bucky?" she asked, after several long moments of silence.
"Yeah?"
"Can we do that again?"
He turned to her, caressing her hair with his left hand, then kissed her so sweetly that she almost wanted to cry.
"Sweetheart, we can do that any time you want," he answered. "Forever, as far I'm concerned."
Forever.
A sob burst from her throat at the thought of a lifetime with this man. After only a couple of weeks of knowing him, she was enthralled with him. Then it hit her. Oh God, I'm doing it again. No, no, it's too much, too soon. Her body reacted to her thoughts, and she began to hyperventilate a little. Bucky pulled away slightly, sensing her difficulties.
"What's wrong?" he asked, confused, thinking of the incredible connection they had just shared.
"I can't breathe," she gasped.
She pulled away completely, then got out of the bed and began looking for her clothes. Bucky picked up her bra, handing it to her, realizing that in her current state she knew only one thing with certainty. She had to leave. As much as he wanted to talk to her and reason with her, he also knew that her history with men was complicated. Hope was reacting on instinct right now and he understood that reaction very well. While she was in the bathroom getting dressed, he quickly put his clothes on and texted Joyce from the living room.
Bucky: Hope is having a panic attack. I'm walking her home but be ready to help her.
Joyce: What happened?
He smiled a little. At least she didn't accuse him of hurting Hope.
Bucky: It was after ... you know. She just suddenly lost it. I think it may have been too soon.
There was no response for a bit, then he saw the three dots.
Joyce: Okay, I'll be waiting for her. It will be okay, Bucky.
"What are you doing?" asked Hope, coming out and seeing him waiting for her.
"I'm walking you home," he answered. "I'm not letting you go alone."
Her breathing became a little heavier, then she nodded and grabbed her purse. He waited for her to unlock the door, quickly locking it behind him and following her down the stairs. They walked side by side without talking or touching but he could hear her heartbeat slow down a little, which was good. The lights were on at the house and Joyce opened the door as Hope came up the steps. At the top, she stopped, then looked at Bucky, his body lit up under the glow of the streetlamp.
"I'm sorry. I guess I wasn't ready for how it made me feel. Give me some time, okay?"
"Whatever you need, Hope. I'm not going anywhere."
She stepped inside while Joyce looked sadly at him before closing the door. He took his time walking home, sorry that the evening ended like this. But it had been amazing with Hope, and he knew that somehow, they would be together again. He was invested in her now.
Konnichiwa, Yori-san – Hello Yori (san indicating respect).
Misu ni nugasu; "the water flows," a Japanese proverb equivalent to "water under the bridge." Yori is still working towards complete forgiveness of Bucky.