Olivia sits on the couch in her apartment, sipping on a glass of red wine and munching on a handful of popcorn from the overflowing bowl that is resting on the cushion between she and Amanda. There is a romantic comedy playing on the TV screen in front of them; a silly, lighthearted movie from a couple of decades ago that Olivia has found quite amusing in the past but is not paying the least bit of attention to now, glancing repeatedly out of the corner of her eye at the smaller woman perched rigidly on the other end of the couch.
She is extremely concerned for her colleague, Amanda's moods swinging so wildly back and forth throughout the evening that she can barely keep up with them, and has no idea what is going through her head right now. One thing she does know for certain, though, is that the detective is in an immense amount of emotional pain and that pain is making itself known in a variety of ways; finally beginning to trickle out after being held inside for so many years.
Amanda is consuming her own glass of wine at an alarmingly fast rate, the dark liquid almost entirely drained from the cup that is clutched tightly in one hand, her eyes fixed on the TV screen like she is completely enthralled with the movie, but Olivia knows she wouldn't even be able to tell her the title of what they're watching, if questioned. The blonde detective's other hand is resting limply inside the bowl of popcorn, as if she had intended on grabbing her own handful but had forgotten what she was doing before being able to complete the action.
They had chosen to walk to Olivia's place after the disaster of a trip to her favorite shop, rather than taking a cab; Olivia's thinking that the long, brisk stroll in the chilly winter air would help to clear both of their minds. She had felt as riled up as Amanda had been; her thoughts and emotions on the verge of spiraling out of control and exploding, but doing a much better job of keeping a lid on them than her colleague had.
The other woman had spent the first part of the trek apologizing profusely for her bad behavior and uncontrollable sobbing, the embarrassment and shame seeming to roll off of her in waves, despite Olivia's repeated assurances that she understood and that it was okay, her heart breaking because she had never seen Amanda cry like that before. After the multiple apologies, including asking for forgiveness over and over, yet another trait that was very out of character for her, Amanda had lapsed into complete silence for the rest of their journey.
She has barely uttered a sound since entering the apartment, aside from a soft noise of assent any time Olivia had asked her a question: did she want to watch a movie, did she want popcorn, did she want a glass of wine. Amanda had nodded and murmured a quick "Mmm hmm" as an answer for each inquiry, Olivia merely raising a concerned eyebrow in response but not pressuring her to talk at all, if she still wasn't ready.
She continues to observe Amanda from her peripheral vision, the smaller woman leaning her head back with the wine glass raised to her lips, as if intent on draining every last drop, before plunking the empty cup down onto the end table with what sounds like a disappointed sigh. Her other arm is still hanging into the bowl of popcorn and Olivia dips her fingers into the dish, deliberately brushing up against Amanda's hand to try and bring her back from wherever she has drifted off to. The younger woman appears startled by Olivia's sudden touch, visibly reacting to the physical contact, and confirming her suspicions that Amanda has not been paying the least bit of attention to her surroundings.
The detective seems to have snapped out of it now, though; blinking sharply like she is coming out of a trace, and gazing at Olivia with a slightly furrowed brow. Olivia smiles gently at the other woman, nudging her again with her fingers, but Amanda continues to regard her with a frown, like she is confused as to why her sergeant seems to be trying to hold her hand and does not appreciate the intrusion.
Olivia gives her fingers a quick squeeze before withdrawing her hand from the bowl and resting it in her lap. "How are you doing, honey?" she asks softly.
"I'm fine," Amanda mumbles in response, sounding somewhat disgruntled as the frown on her face deepens, before she seems to become aware of her tone of voice and facial expression, the frown disappearing entirely and a small smile immediately gracing her lips. "I'm fine," she repeats in a more determined tone of voice.
"That didn't sound very convincing," Olivia replies lightly, raising her eyebrows and removing the bowl of popcorn so she can slide closer to her on the couch.
Amanda has a wary look on her face now as she watches Olivia's movements, the younger woman bringing her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around her shins. "Liv, why can't you just leave this alone?" she asks with a sigh.
"Because you're obviously in a great deal of pain," Olivia answers quietly, stopping short in the middle of the couch and not progressing any further toward Amanda when she notices the look on her face. "And after what happened earlier tonight, did you really expect me to just leave this alone? I'm not going to pressure you to talk about anything you're uncomfortable with, but I just want you to know that I'm here for you, if you need someone to listen."
Amanda sighs again, but this time she is shaking her head and what looks to be a genuine smile is tugging at the corners of her lips. "I know that, Olivia." She sounds quite exasperated with the whole situation, as if unsure whether to be amused or annoyed, but Olivia thinks she can detect a hint of gratitude laced through the other woman's irritated tone. "You've told me that several times now."
They regard each other in silence for a moment and Amanda's perturbed expression softens somewhat. "Look, just being here with you is helping, okay? I appreciate you inviting me to your place for the evening, especially after I was so rude to you earlier."
"Being here with me is helping?" Olivia asks doubtfully, skeptical that the other woman is actually telling the truth, as Amanda has seemed to be nothing but ill at ease or completely lost in space since arriving.
"Yes," Amanda confirms in a low voice. "It's helping, Olivia, really. Thank you."
"You're welcome," she answers softly, placing a hand on Amanda's knee and squeezing gently, hoping the detective will unclench herself from the tight little ball she has folded up into, her arms locked protectively around her legs. "I know you don't want to talk, so is there anything else I can do to help? Anything I can do to make things a bit easier for you right now?"
"Well..." Amanda trails off and that tiny smile is playing around her lips again, Olivia smiling right back in encouragement. "I could use a lot more wine."
Olivia chuckles in response. "Yes, so could I," she admits, rubbing a tired hand over her face. "Is that really a good idea, though? We've both had an emotional evening and we have court again tomorrow, along with work. We need to be careful, Amanda."
"I know," the other woman acknowledges, sounding somewhat disappointed. "How about one more glass each and then we'll call it quits for the night?"
"Sounds like a plan," Olivia replies as she squeezes her colleague's knee again and gets to her feet to retrieve the bottle of red wine from the kitchen counter, relieved to see Amanda slowly unfolding herself from her defensive position on the cushions when she returns to the living room.
Amanda seems to loosen up quite a bit as they both enjoy another glass of wine, actually laughing at the movie from time to time, and seeming to remain fully immersed in the present instead of drifting off somewhere in her mind; this in turn causing Olivia herself to be much more relaxed. The smaller woman is curled up on her side now, blinking sleepily from time to time, her feet resting lightly against the outside of Olivia's thigh. She knows they should call it a night soon, as they both have an early day tomorrow, but is reluctant to be separated from the detective just yet, wanting to keep an eye on her and considering offering Amanda the spare bedroom for the night, even though she hadn't brought anything with her to sleep over.
Instead of suggesting that Amanda either spend the night or begin making her way home, Olivia starts the next movie on Netflix without asking if she is interested in watching another cheesy romantic comedy, Amanda not objecting at all and seeming to settle herself more comfortably into the cushions. Olivia pulls a fluffy blanket off the back of the couch and drapes it over her slack form, Amanda giving her a drowsy smile of thanks in return and her heavy-lidded blue eyes looking as if they are struggling to stay open.
"Amanda, why don't you go lie down in the spare room and get some rest?" Olivia suggests gently, patting a slender foot that is leaning against her leg.
When there is no response from the younger woman, she glances over at Amanda to see that her eyes have drifted closed, a slight snore escaping from her lips. Olivia gives a soft chuckle and squeezes the blonde detective's foot affectionately, resting her hand there and directing her attention to the television once more, slowly getting drawn into the plot line and relieved to be able to focus on something more lighthearted for a little while. She is quite tired herself but not ready to go to bed just yet, and figures she will finish the movie before waking Amanda and telling her to take the spare bedroom for the night so she doesn't have to go home alone in her exhausted, emotional state.
About halfway through the film, Olivia's eyes are completely glued to the screen in front of her, as she has become quite absorbed in the storyline and is eager to see how it ends. She has finished up the bowl of popcorn while Amanda has continued to slumber peacefully beside her, the younger woman's deep breathing and occasional snoring a comforting background noise as Olivia concentrates on what she is watching, her hand still laying atop her foot, as if needing to reassure herself that Amanda is right there with her, safe and sound.
She has been overcome with feelings of protectiveness and empathy since learning of Amanda's rape by her deputy chief in Atlanta, and is more determined than ever to change things between them; to finally build the friendship that should have been built when Amanda had joined their unit a few years prior, instead of pushing the other woman away and holding at her arm's length because of her own issues. There is a deep shame and regret residing inside of her now, but Olivia is resolute that things will be different with the two of them from this point forward; that she will help see Amanda through the hell she is currently suffering with Patton's trial, and the inevitable fallout when everything is finally said and done, whatever the verdict may be. She will not let Amanda continue to suffer alone, like she herself had done after everything that had happened with Lewis.
Even though Olivia has been good about going to see Dr. Lindstrom when it is needed, she has neglected to share much with the people who are closest to her, instead choosing to push everything deep down inside and only letting some of it trickle out when she sees her therapist. It is always a relief when she can unload some of her issues onto the doctor and get them out into the open, especially during those times where she feels like she is about to explode from the stress of work and the brutal memories of her time with Lewis, but it's very different than sharing them with someone who she is more connected with, like a friend.
There have been times when she has wanted nothing more than to spill her dark secrets with someone who will take her into their arms and soothe the pain with physical touch; someone who will wipe her tears away, who will hold her after a nightmare. She doesn't dare let herself go there, though; too afraid of exposing the darkness that lies within her, terrified that whomever she chooses to confide in will not be able to handle it and will ultimately look down on her for the excruciating pain and torment that she still experiences on a regular basis; that they will see it as a weakness and the illusion of strength will be shattered, the inevitable rejection swiftly following.
There is a small part of Olivia that realizes this line of thinking is somewhat absurd; that the people in her life are unlikely to push her away just because she is not quite as strong as she appears to be. There is still something that holds her back, though, and she wonders if it's because most of the people she comes into contact with on a daily basis do not have the ability to understand what it is she is going through, despite what they see on the job everyday, as they have not had personal experience with it.
It has occurred to her that maybe Amanda can be that person; that perhaps they can each be what the other so desperately needs: a friend to help see them through their respective recoveries, someone who recognizes the unique challenges that they face, the pain and torment that they have both been through, even though their experiences have differed in a lot of ways. Olivia is intent on slowly building a bridge between Amanda and herself; wants to begin putting their contentious past behind them and start to move forward with a clean slate and a new relationship as friends as well as colleagues.
There is a sudden tap against the outside of Olivia's thigh where Amanda's foot is still resting, and she looks over at the younger woman curiously, thinking she is trying to get her attention somehow and strangely choosing to nudge her with her foot instead of speaking. Amanda does not appear to be awake, though, her eyes remaining closed and another soft snore emanating from between her lips. Olivia figures the other woman is just a restless sleeper and she gives the small foot a light, comforting squeeze before turning her attention back to the screen.
A moment later, there is another nudge against her thigh and this time the touch is not quite so gentle.
"Ouch," Olivia mutters as her gaze swings back around to fix intently on her colleague, Amanda beginning to move more vigorously beneath the blanket now, her toes curling and digging hard into Olivia's leg through the material of her dress pants.
The smaller woman's eyes are clenched shut and there is a thin film of sweat on her upper lip, Amanda's hands coiling into tight fists and her mouth opening to emit a low, drawn-out moan.
"Hey," Olivia whispers, sitting up straighter on the couch and squeezing the detective's foot more firmly. "Wake up, honey."
Amanda starts writhing underneath the blanket, her arms flailing into the air and both of her feet making hard, repeated contact with the outside of Olivia's thigh, kicking her forcefully as she mumbles something over and over under her breath, but Olivia is unable to make out the words. She quickly grasps onto each thrashing foot, catching them both in mid-air and holding them gently but sturdily in her grip before they can strike her again.
"Wake up, honey," Olivia repeats softly, trying to keep Amanda still so neither of them get hurt beyond the minor injuries she has just sustained, sure that she can already feel the bruises blooming along her leg.
Amanda suddenly goes limp, her limbs flopping back down onto the cushions and feet slackening in Olivia's steady grip before curling onto her side in a tight little ball, her knees drawn up to her chest and the disheveled blanket lying askew across her shivering body.
"Hey, Amanda, are you awake?" Olivia asks in concern, sliding down onto the floor and kneeling in front of the couch, running a hand along her colleague's scrunched up form and tucking the blanket snugly back around her.
Amanda's eyes are still closed but her face is pressing hard into the pillow and she is whimpering quietly, Olivia's heart aching at the mournful sound. She strokes her fingers through mussed blonde hair, carefully swiping the strands away from her face so she can try and get a look at Amanda's expression. The detective's brow is deeply furrowed and there is a tear balancing precariously on the bottom of her long lashes, Olivia reaching out to gently wipe it away with the pad of her thumb.
"It's okay, you're safe," she whispers tenderly. "You're safe here with me."
Amanda appears to settle down at these words, her body thoroughly relaxing under Olivia's soft touch, and she doesn't think the other woman had even fully woken up before being sucked back down into the depths of unconsciousness. Olivia wonders what Amanda had been dreaming about, although she is pretty sure she can guess, and her heart hurts for the torment and anguish that the detective is currently experiencing, wishing she could do something to take her pain away.
She remains there on the floor long after Amanda's breathing has evened out and the distressing noises have stopped emanating from between her lips, the younger woman having drifted back into a peaceful sleep. Olivia continues running a hand over her head, the citrus-scented blonde locks slipping through her fingers like silk, and she finds herself needing this physical contact just as much as Amanda obviously does, her colleague leaning into her touch while she snoozes.
When Olivia finally begins to pull away, intent on getting to her feet and cleaning up the mess they have made with the popcorn and the wine before finishing the rest of the movie, Amanda suddenly lets loose with another plaintive whimper, this one louder than the last.
"Hey, hey, it's okay, I'm here," Olivia soothes as she immediately gets into her former position on the floor and resumes the gentle hair-stroking, feathering her fingers through the long strands before caressing a hand over Amanda's cheekbone, trying to rouse her from her tortured slumber.
"Don't leave me alone," Amanda murmurs faintly, her eyes still closed and voice so full of sleep and exhaustion that Olivia can barely understand her.
"I'm not going anywhere," Olivia assures her quietly, her throat tightening when the small detective reaches up to grasp onto the hand that is smoothing through her hair again, linking their fingers together and bringing them down to rest beneath her chin, seeming to cuddle into their joined hands.
Olivia feels tears pricking her eyelids at this uncharacteristic display of vulnerability and need from the younger woman, and she sighs softly as she lifts her other hand to resume running her fingers comfortingly through the long golden locks, Amanda leaning into her touch once again.
"Hey, how about you get up and let me help you into the spare bedroom so you can get a proper night's sleep, okay?" she suggests in a whisper. "You don't want to spend the night on the couch. It's not very comfortable. And you need to be well-rested for tomorrow," she adds, thinking of another long day spent at the precinct and in court, and wishing she could just give Amanda a break from everything for a little while.
"I can't get up, I'm still asleep," Amanda mumbles under her breath and Olivia chuckles softly, blinking back her tears and scratching her nails lightly against the other woman's scalp.
"Honey, you're not asleep," she corrects in amusement. "We're having a conversation with each other."
"No, I'm still asleep," Amanda insists stubbornly and Olivia laughs outright at this silly statement, the detective not even bothering to crack an eyelid open while they have this discussion, ridiculously adorable all curled up on the couch like a tired little girl and a look of innocence about her that Olivia doesn't often see.
"Well, if you're still asleep, how are we talking to each other, then?" she challenges with a smirk.
"I'm talking in my sleep?" Amanda replies, her brow wrinkling as if this is quite a perplexing question to have to deal with in her current drowsy state, and Olivia laughs again, watching as the other woman's lip quirks at the corner in response.
"Come on, Amanda, why don't you go back to the spare bedroom?" she suggests again, frowning when she feels the blonde detective tighten the hold she has around her hand and clenching their fingers more firmly together. "What's wrong, honey?" she asks as the mirth is instantly replaced with concern.
"Nothing's wrong, I'm fine right here," Amanda mutters, still not opening her eyes and curling more tightly into herself on the cushions.
Olivia is quiet for a moment as she gazes thoughtfully down at the smaller woman, pretty sure she knows what is going on; that Amanda is too frightened to be by herself because of whatever had been haunting her in her nightmares, but is reluctant to ruin her tough-cop image any more than she already has that evening by admitting that she doesn't want to sleep in a separate bedroom for the rest of the night and finding it easier to just remain right there on the couch.
She knows that what she is about to suggest is not entirely appropriate, given that Amanda is her subordinate at the precinct and she should be maintaining a certain distance between them, but the words exit her lips anyway, unable to stand leaving her colleague alone for the night when she is clearly scared and in so much emotional pain.
"You can sleep with me in my room tonight, if that's what you want," Olivia says softly, scratching her nails lightly against Amanda's scalp again to try and get the detective to actually open her eyes while they talk.
"Isn't it against the rules to sleep with my boss?" Amanda murmurs groggily, already sounding like she is drifting back to sleep again, although one eyebrow is arching dramatically, as if Olivia has suggested that something untoward is going to take place between them during the night.
She can't help but sputter out another laugh as she listens to her speak and observes the expression on her face, Amanda somehow managing to look scandalized and amused and grateful all at the same time, and without even opening her eyes; the detective proving to be quite entertaining in her sleep-addled state. Olivia suspects that she is making an effort to keep things light and funny, though; intent on diverting her attention away from the actual problem, Amanda still unable to admit that she needs someone with her for the remainder of the night so she doesn't have to be alone with the nightmares that are plaguing her.
"I already agreed to sleep with one boss and look where that got me," Amanda suddenly says and Olivia's heart seizes painfully in her chest, her breath catching in her throat at the seemingly casual indifference of the softly uttered words.
She puts a hand briefly against her mouth as she is overcome by a wave of shame and regret for even suggesting such a thing; that obviously the invitation had only come from a good and innocent place, wanting nothing more than for Amanda to feel safe and comforted for the duration of the night, and to be able to get some much-needed rest before their long day tomorrow. Olivia had in no way meant to conjure up horrific memories of Amanda's past in Atlanta with Deputy Chief Patton, as the other woman has already suffered quite enough over the past few hours, but realizes with a growing dread that just by proposing they spend the night together in the same bed, the suggestion may very well have brought back a slew of unwanted memories for her.
"Oh my god, Amanda, I am so sorry," she chokes out, completely stricken now. "I didn't mean to- I was only trying- I shouldn't have-" She is having trouble forming the right words, her heart pounding in a sickening rhythm inside her chest, terrified that Amanda is making light of something that is actually disturbing her; that she has unwittingly caused her more pain and fear and has stepped way over the line of what is considered appropriate behavior between them.
Olivia realizes that Amanda has finally cracked an eye open and is gazing at her with a perplexed frown on her face, a small hand appearing from underneath the blanket and hovering in the air amidst them for several seconds, as if the other woman is intent on comforting her but then seeming to think better of it as she tucks her arm back beneath the fuzzy material.
"Olivia, relax." Amanda's voice is laced with confusion and concern. "I was just kidding around."
"Do you really think this is something you should be joking about?" Olivia asks gently, watching as the expression on Amanda's face becomes shuttered, the younger woman seeming to withdraw further into herself. "I hope you know I would never do anything like that. I would never hurt you."
"Of course I know that, Olivia," Amanda huffs out in exasperation, a dark pink flush of embarrassment creeping across her pale cheeks. "I was just trying to-"
"You were just trying to make light of a situation that bothers you because it's easier than letting yourself feel the hurt?" Olivia supplies quietly, observing her carefully as Amanda's gaze slides away from her own and focuses on something in the distance. "I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I didn't mean to make you think about things that happened in the past."
"It's fine," Amanda mutters as she rolls her eyes and waves a flippant hand, as if trying to convince them both that she is entirely unconcerned with this discussion, but Olivia knows better. "I was already thinking about them, anyway. I never seem to stop thinking about them."
She pauses for a long moment, her gaze meeting Olivia's again, and the anguish residing in the other woman's big blue eyes is enough to take her breath away again. "It's just that sometimes...one word...or one sentence...it just brings certain details of what happened back into sharper focus, no matter how innocent the intentions are. All of a sudden, it's not just a vague memory anymore; it's just right there, like it's happening all over again. I can see it so clearly..."
"I am so sorry, honey," Olivia replies in a hushed tone of voice and she can feel tears brimming in her eyes now; very familiar with what Amanda is describing, as this is the way it so often is for her, a benignly uttered word or sentence enough to induce a flashback of epic proportions, the person she is having the conversation with usually none the wiser, and she is horrified that she had been the one to cause this for Amanda.
"It's okay, Liv," the younger woman answers softly and Olivia's heart melts at the obvious compassion on her face and in her voice, touched that Amanda is capable of feeling such empathy while she is currently experiencing an intense amount of her own suffering. "You didn't do anything wrong. I appreciate the offer, I really do. I just never know what's going to trigger me."
"I understand. But I should have known that a suggestion like that would be a trigger for you," Olivia whispers, blinking rapidly to keep the tears at bay, and she sees that Amanda's eyes are looking quite misty as well. She has to keep herself from reaching out to touch the smaller woman, as Amanda looks so tiny and vulnerable huddled up beneath the blanket, her expression so clearly radiating hurt and sorrow and a variety of emotions, but she doesn't want to induce any more bad memories than she already has.
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Liv," Amanda says gently and Olivia watches as a tentative hand makes its way out from underneath the blanket again, fluttering uncertainly for a moment before coming to rest lightly upon her shoulder.
Olivia smiles tenderly at her colleague, reaching up to cover Amanda's hand with her own and giving it a quick squeeze.
"To be honest..." Amanda's voice trails off, the other woman looking unsure of what she is about to say, and Olivia squeezes her hand again, urging her to continue. "To be honest, even just sleeping in a bed has been triggering me lately. I've slept on my couch since Patton arrived in New York. And even though he has never set foot in my bedroom and has obviously never been in my bed, all I can think about is that bed in the motel room. It's weird, isn't it?"
"It's not weird at all," Olivia assures her softly, aware of a deep ache dwelling inside of her chest now, and she tangles their fingers together, tightening the hold they have on each other, Amanda clutching back more firmly in response to their physical connection, as if she doesn't want to let go either. "Do you want to spend the night here on the couch? I'll go back to my bedroom so you don't feel threatened in any way, okay?" She thinks about how hard this must be for Amanda, simultaneously wanting company for the night so she isn't alone but having to deal with the fear that is tucked deep down inside that she isn't entirely safe, no matter how innocuous the situation may be.
"I don't feel threatened, Liv," Amanda replies firmly, her grip around Olivia's fingers tightening to an almost painful degree, as if needing her sergeant to know that she is telling the truth. "Why don't we just finish the rest of the movie, okay? I'm more awake now, anyway."
They regard one another intently for a moment, their hands remaining locked tightly together before Olivia slowly begins to pull away and get to her feet. "Okay," she agrees quietly and can't help noticing the somewhat forlorn look on Amanda's face as she settles back down at the other end of the couch.
She is a bit uneasy about starting up the comical movie again, thinking that perhaps they need to keep this conversation going for awhile; that they need to delve deeper into certain things, but she knows how tired Amanda is, how tired they both are, and figures it would be a better idea to hold off on what will likely be a very intense and prolonged discussion.
Olivia is aware of the small detective gradually easing closer to her on the couch as they continue on with the film, Amanda eventually moving to sit right up beside her and a blonde head coming to rest lightly on her shoulder. She smiles softly and leans her own head gently against Amanda's in return, both of them quite clearly still needing the physical contact despite the awkward, uncomfortable moments they have shared throughout the evening.
A welcome wave of relief and relaxation washes over her and she closes her eyes, suddenly feeling the exhaustion weighing heavily upon her body, choosing to give in to the delicious pull of sleep instead of fighting to stay awake to see how the movie ends. Amanda's head is slumping forward on Olivia's shoulder now, her chin leaning down toward her chest, as if she too can no longer resist the enticing draw of slumber.
Olivia descends languidly into unconsciousness, willing herself to let go of all the stress and worry as she sinks down into the deep, dark depths of blissful oblivion. She feels Amanda's hand taking hold of her own and lacing their fingers together beneath the blanket that is draped across both of their laps, listening as the other woman's breathing evens out.
When Olivia awakens again, her heart is racing uncontrollably inside her chest and she has no idea how long they have been asleep or what has jerked her so swiftly from the clutches of slumber. She just knows that something is wrong; somehow aware that a very loud noise has just been piercing the air right next to her, and she tilts her head to the side in confusion, her eyelids slowly drifting open to take in the darkness of the surrounding room.
It is completely silent for a brief moment before the quiet is shattered once again and all Olivia can hear is the frantic, terror-stricken sound of Amanda screaming.