The episode referenced in this one-shot is Season 1, Episode 4: And Santa's Midnight Run.
Just a note, there are direct word quotes from this episode.
The legalities. I do not own any of the Librarians franchise (characters, places, and objects especially) and this is mostly au. Rated M just to be on the safe side.
Also, please don't be afraid to write reviews. I would love to hear from you all!
Hope you enjoy!
Prompt: "You're one insult away from starting a war."
"Question, Jacob. Why am I here?"
Jacob rolled his eyes as he and Ra followed a bouncing Cassandra towards the soup kitchen that Santa had last been at. "Because Cassie is just a little too hyper for one person to handle right now. And I don't think that Baird trusts Jones completely yet."
The Archivist just shrugged as the two came to a stop on either side of the math genius. They were now just inside the door of the soup kitchen and Cassandra's excitement still hadn't waned. "Well, where should we start?"
After taking a moment to take in the room, Ra began to smirk. "Maybe with the man himself." She ignored the confused looks that she knew she was undoubtedly getting form her two companions as she made her way over to a man who was (mostly) dressed as a conventional Santa. "Pardon me, but could we perhaps ask you a few questions?"
"Yeah."
Cassandra quickly spoke before Ra could phrase a good question. "Have you seen Santa?"
"What do you mean have I seen me? I'm right here."
Ra couldn't help the sigh that escaped her as Cassandra shook her head. "Not you. Santa Claus."
The man looked over at Ra and Jacob. "She's out of her bacon."
"My what?"
Jacob took a bit of pity on her. "Your mind. It's cockney rhyming slang. Bacon rind, mind."
"Are there any languages you don't speak?"
"Well, my Urdu is a little rusty."
"Anyway!" Ra decided to redirect the conversation. "I'm sorry, who was grabbed?"
The man just had one eyebrow raised. "Well, a heap of coke with a funky tifter serving chili."
Cassandra's eyes went wide. "Heap of coke, tifter. His jeep was revoked with a zipper."
"No." Jacob's voice sounded strained. "Bloke in a hat. It's tit for tat."
"Yeah." The man nodded. "Chili was Mae West."
Apparently, Cassandra wasn't backing down. "Mae West, Santa's taking a day of rest."
Ra spoke now. "Cassandra, Mae West means the best. Now, you are about one insult away from starting a war. Will you please just let Jacob translate?"
"Fine."
With a nod from the Archivist, the man continued. "Got taken off by a bat and ball and a bunch of sporting tattoos."
Jacob and Ra shared a look before the former asked, "These tattoos, Joe Blakes?"
"You're a sharp wooden plank."
"Thank you." Ra grabbed Cassandra's arm and started to the door. "We need to get back. Now."