AN: This is excessively long I know, but I've already split it up into two chapter and this half needed to stay together. As always, please give me feedback on how to improve this x
"You are not having a relationship with anyone from that family!"
Joseph is sitting awkwardly in the living room, he can hear them arguing but it's not his place. He knows better than to interfere with her parenting yet he can't help but feel for the pair. Jac's really struggling to process it all, and from what he hears her struggle is really affecting AJ. It's such an impossible situation. He knows exactly why she doesn't want her daughter to meet her brothers or cousins or any other paternal relatives but the kid deserves to know her family, and as much as he knows AJ's feeling torn ever her paternity she wasn't the one hurt.
He remembers holding Jac that Saturday, she'd given up on arguing with him and pushed away any discussion of her mother's neglect. She looked so sad, so small and broken as he held her, not saying a word just burrowing into his chest. It's so unlike her it sticks out in his mind when he lies awake in the dark, trying to reconcile the side of her that broke him with the whimpering woman that lay beside him that night.
"Oh my god Mum, you're such a bitch!"
"Don't talk to me like that!"
"Why not? You won't let me see them and they're my brothers. Mine, not yours!"
"Well you're my daughter and they're probably lying to you so I don't trust them."
She feels guilty. All her daughter wants is a family something she's tried so hard to give her but it just isn't enough anymore. She wants AJ to be happy she does but the twisting feeling in her stomach when she thinks of the days spent in that house makes any sense of compromise feel dangerous. Maybe it really is him. Maybe he really is a good person and he just wants to know his little sister but there's so much she doesn't know.
Artemis has no idea that she kept her mother going throughout the court case, and that Jac reckons if she didn't have AJ's chubby face to look at, she probably would've taken her life. It something she won't ever tell her even if it runs circles in her mind, those same thoughts tempting her again. They whisper slowly calling out to her and telling her of the peace she so desperately wants. They call her name when she feels the world rush around her but she fights hard and tries to keep her feet firmly on the ground because she had responsibilities and can't drift away even if it's all she wants. Now the constant nausea grounds her, keeping her from truly entertaining her desire to make it stop.
She knows it's not healthy, to live for someone else but at least she's living for something. She loves her daughter and she doesn't blame her for suffering but Jac's not as strong as she portrays herself to be. There's so much in this world that scares her; the thought of loosing AJ, the thought of loosing this baby, seeing Adam again. Even talking about it makes her tremble with fear and it's pathetic, as if she's still a child who desperately wants it to stop.
It's so painful for her. Feeling so torn over wanting to let her daughter be happy and wanting to protect her. If only AJ would it see it that way, she's not opposed because she's cruel she's just so terrified of Artemis being hurt the way she was.
"This is ridiculous he's my brother, he's a pilot and apparently I've got cousins. Cousins, siblings, a family. Just because I'm the only family you've got and you're miserable and lonely, doesn't mean I have to be too!"
"I said you do not talk to me like that! And I'm not lonely, I'm completely fine. One day your friends will betray you and you'll finally listen to me."
"No they won't, I'm not listening to you ever again! This is what I mean! You're teetering on the edge of a mental breakdown all the time and it's really scaring me. And I know that your friends abandoned you when I came around and I'm sorry, but it doesn't mean my friends are gonna backstab me."
"You're fourteen years old AJ. I'm not letting you put yourself in danger. I'm trying to protect you, you can't just meet up with a random man."
"He's my brother!"
"For godsake Artemis for all I know he's not! Right now all I know is that a random man has come up to you claiming to be your half-brother. You don't even know what Freddie looks like."
Realising her mother actually has a valid point Artemis stops her tirade and pauses, feeling slightly embarrassed that she hadn't thought to consider this obvious truth. She knew she had two half brothers. They were seven years or so older than her mother so they'd be around thirty-five, she knew that they were pilots but that where her knowledge of them ended. Her mother was right, this man might not even be her brother. At that revelation she gulps horrified at the thought that there's a stranger sitting in the reception of their fancy block of flats, waiting for a teenage girl to come down.
How could she be so stupid?
"Look, if you want to meet him so bad let me be there. Get his number or something, I can arrange for us to meet him somewhere." Jac suggests, relieved that her child might finally be seeing sense.
"Ew no! You being there is gonna make it awkward because of what his Dad did to you. He'll feel awkward. Also you don't even want to see him, I do."
Artemis perches on the edge of the bed, wrapping her arms around her mother and hugging her tightly, as she cries. She smiles to herself when her mother kisses her forehead, telling her she's sorry she doesn't have a father. Though they never talk about it these days Jac knows that deep down AJ longs for a father figure, it's why she was so devastated when she found out why Joseph had ended things with her. If it had been a quarrel blown out of proportion there might have been a chance of reconciliation, but sleeping with his father pretty much killed any possibility of that.
At least AJ thought it did, the existence of her unborn sibling has proved her wrong. Nevertheless she's still appalled by what her mother did because it was cruel and Artemis has never been one to hurt anyone. Lately, it seems all she does if make her mother worry. She doesn't mean too but finding out your father is a rapist screws with your head.
She never means to hurt her but she can't keep pretending that her mental decline isn't troubling her. Nor can she pretend she hasn't always wished she had a family outside of her mother. She loves her dearly and she hopes she knows it, but she wishes she'd accept she's not a baby anymore . She might still be young but she's old enough to know what's going on, to have opinions and thoughts on she one life. She'll make her own judgement on her family.
"You're a good mother, the best really. And I know you love me though I question why, but right now you're not someone I can rely on. You're anxious, you're cutting yourself and you're convinced just because you're miserable I'll never be happy either."
"How can you say that?" Jac asks in disbelief.
"Because it's true. I'm gonna say this once Mum, I love you I really do and I know it must've been hard having me at fourteen, but I need you to get it together so I can go back to being the kid here."
"W-What are you talking about?"
"Mummy I don't want to hurt you..."
"Just tell me. You know I'd rather you tell me so I know what's going on in that head of your's. Artemis please just spit out."
"I can't stand tiptoeing around you, unable to ask any question about my father or his side in case it hurts you. I get it, he raped you and ruined what you did have left of a childhood, but seeing you so broken makes me feel even worse about who I am."
"AJ it's not your fault." Jac insists, holding AJ's face in her hands and looking sadly at the teary eyed teenager. She looks so innocent and she is. She might have her mothers way with words but deep down she's still the sweet little girl who'd wrap her mother in blankets when she had a cold and save every penny she found t help pay the bills.
"He's your biological father, so what? You are nothing like him. I love you more than you'll ever understand and I'm so proud of you. I never see your father when I look at you. Yeah you weren't conceived in the happiest circumstances but you make me so happy and I wouldn't want to live life without you."
"But it's not enough, is it Mum?" She utters firmly, voice slightly raised. "You keep saying that you only see your baby when you look at me, but it's irrelevant. You loving me isn't enough to make things better."
"Artemis..." Jac whispers blinking back tears, as her voice trembles one hard truth away from collapsing.
"You can't fix the images I have burned into my brain of you cutting yourself or how the sound of you crying because what my father did to you plays in my head. It doesn't change the fact the every nightmare reminds me I've got that bastards blood running through my veins."
She lets out a dejected sigh, "Somethings even knowing how much you love me can't fix Mum. We both know life's not that simple, even if you wish it was and so I'm going to meet my half-brother who's waiting for me and I'll make my own decisions about whether I get to know him or not. I can't rely on you anymore, not now so I'll do things my way."
Her mother always tells her she's young and to enjoy it because she's got her whole life to worry about the world but to AJ she's skirting round the elephant in the room. Her father is a rapist. Whether her mother wants to admit it or not she's here by accident. Lots of kids are accidents her mother herself is only here because teenagers are stupid. But in Artemis eyes she was never meant to exist at all. She wasn't the result of a one night stand or teenage stupidity, she had made her entrance into this world because a man had decided to rape her then thirteen year old mother. That was her truth and it was eating away at her until she had nothing left.
Artemis can't even see how her pain is tormenting her mother. It's not as if Jac blames her daughter for how she feels but seeing her so unhappy is breaking her heart. She doesn't notice how Jac watches as her daughter walks away, head in her hands as she tries to wrestle with her guilt. In her attempts to protect her all she's done is smother and constrain her, because she was so terrified of someone hurting her the way she had been, forgetting that her own decline was hurting her daughter too. Now they'd come to the agreement that they'd head down and speak to Freddie, and if he really is who he says, Jac would just have to confront the past sooner than she'd liked.
The last time Frederick had seen Jac she was a nervous fourteen year old, standing outside of a courthouse with a gurgling infant in her arms. Her red hair had been pulled into a ponytail with a emerald ribbon threaded through, and the half-smile he and his brother used to rouse out of her was long gone. Her eyes looked tired, there were dark circles sneaking up on her skin and the slight frown on her face only seeemed to dissappear when she glanced down briefly, flashing a smile at her wriggling baby.
Now fourteen years later he stares at her nervously, unsure where to even start a conversation. She's older now, obviously, a doctor too and she seems much happier which is relieving. Over the years she'd pop up in his thoughts and he wondered how she was doing, how she was getting on with his little sister. It was strange to think that the kid he'd taught to skateboard, who he'd seen as some sort of surrogate sister had given birth to his half-sister. As soon as he'd finished training and started earning a decent salary as a pilot, he wished he could've sent the teenager money but he knew deep down she'd be horrified by any contact from him. It would be a reminder of his bastard father and the last thing he wanted to do was further traumatise her.
He'll never forgot the phone call he got from his Aunt, his mother hysterical in the background telling him that he and Finn needed to come home because his father had been arrested. She explained to him how his father had been abusing his foster sister for months and had actually gotten the thirteen year old pregnant, that she consequently wasn't living with them anymore. He remembers walking into his childhood home to see his Aunt dumping his father's belongings in the bins,the rest having been confiscated by the police. The following days were spent in near silence, everyone too shocked, too horrified to speak about it. There were a few conversations between his mother and cousin Katie, rushed apologies for not believing her all those years ago. It didn't change things. Everything he'd thought about his father was shattered and though the closure of seeing him convicted helped him move on, it felt like he'd left a strain on them, every happy memory of his loving father tainted by the knowledge of who he truly was. What he did to a child who'd already been through so much.
"Do you remember when I bumped into you at that Christmas market? It must have been 96' or 97'. She was still tiny so you had her in a buggy. I think had had a toy rabbit with her. It's been years but I still remember how tired you looked, and I know you probably don't want to hear this but I am so sorry for what my father put you through. You were so young and God, I don't even know what to say. It should never have happened."
"Yeah it was 96', AJ would've about been two and half. Honestly back then everyone would tell me I look tired, probably because I'd spent every minute I wasn't at college, or with my kid, working. And before you pity me don't. I made the choice to keep her and so I had to make sure she was fed. It wasn't all that bad back then, she was happy, I was happy. Just had to save up to get all the furniture for my flat, that's all."
"You know I've only just met her but she of reminds me of you before well you know, except - she's happier? A bit more bubbly? More naive maybe? I know she has my penchant for sarcasm but she's really a sweetheart. I don't want you coming into her life if you're not serious about the whole being her brother thing. And I swear, if you ever tell that man where we live I will ruin you."
He nods, holding his hands up and giving her an awkward smile as he insists he hasn't spoken to his father since he was released from prison four yesrs ago. He says that even during his sentence the visits were fleeting and of necessity, like convicing him to sign the divorce papers so his mother could get away from him. Or trying and failing to convince him to admit molesting his cousin.
"I remember when we saw you with her after he pled guilty. We hadn't intended to approach you then but since he'd decided to change his plea, there was no certainty we would see you at his sentencing and if I'm honest at this point we didn't care enough about him to go. That's why we approached you with those mothercare vouchers and all that baby paraphernalia. "
She nods tiredly, remembering how they stopped at her at the doors to the courthouse, a gift bag rescued from the car and apologetic smiles plastered awkwardly on their faces. She remembers how Julia couldn't look at her, avoiding her gaze which Jac put up to guilt. She remembers how AJ started fussing and so she picked her up out of the pram, Julia's gaze immediately falling on the baby and tears welling in her eyes. Jac guessed it made her failures real. Made her see that whilst she tried to ignore what was going on she had to live with it. That a child had been brought into this world because of her husbands actions and no effort to ignore it could continue.
She remebers Finley waving at AJ who looked at him curiously, squealing excitedly when he handed her a rattle they'd bought. She had felt guilty for a second, wondering if she was doing the right thing refusing them a relationship with her daughter, but then she thought about how six weeks after giving birth, she'd had some sort of a mini breakdown. How afterwards had spent the following week battling mastitis and lying in bed as food went cold, finally giving in and letting her foster mother give AJ a bottle. She'd been so insistent on doing things herself wanting to prove she could cope just as well as any mother, so realising she just couldn't do it broke her. She still got up to feed her baby herself early in the mornings and at night, but for the first two weeks after she'd accepted that breastfeeding alone wasn't viable she'd refused to make a single bottle, delegating the action to her foster mother.
Those first six weeks had been terrible. Sure the first few days she was in a happy bubble, still reeling from AJ's birth and just grateful she'd actually started breathing that day, but as soon as she took her home it burst. Then came sitting in a bedroom, baby screaming in a bassinet hearing other kids her age messing around at the park behind the house whilst she changed nappies and spent her days being spit up on. Other kids got ready for the school year to close while she batted away her fears concerning the upcoming court case. It had started to dawn on her what she was getting into when they'd briefly whisked away her baby to do the necessary checks, mentioning they'd take a cheek swab for the paternity test then. She knew it was producure and the best way of proving what he'd done but it didn't make her feel any better about it. She didn't understand why he wanted to plead not guilty. He knew he'd raped her, she knew, even his wife did. As soon as the results came in he'd be exposed, so why deny it?Maybe he just wanted to torture her a little longer. She'd never know.
"I'd really like to get to know her. She's my baby sister and it's always just been me and Finn. I know you asked that we stay out of her life when she was born but we do want to know her. She's fourteen now so I thought it might've been a better idea to approach the subject now."
She remembers the feeling of doom consuming her when as he opened the door quietly. At first it was just touching, he'd brush up against her and mumble a mortified sorry, and she'd be uncomfortable but believe it was a genuine accident. Then when Julia would go to visit her sister in Dulwich and they'd be home alone it would get worse. She was sleeping and she heard the door open and she just knew something was wrong. It wasn't Julia checking on her or dropping some paracetamol on her beside table after she said she had a headache, it was him. He had this look in his eyes that scared her. He told her she was growing into a beautiful young woman and then he put his hand up her shirt, she was in shock so she didn't say anything. She tried to block it out telling herself it was a delirous nightmare, it must've been with how normal he acted the next day. It wasn't. Things only got worse, he got more and more bold. She tried ignoring it but after nine months in that house and seven months of hell, she found herself lying on the bed in a GP surgery, the sound of her baby's heartbeat confirming her fears.
She recalls standing infront of a mirror on her fourteenth birthday staring at her stomach, the baby bump peeking out from under the baggy t-shirt she wore to hide it. She knew everyone could see she was pregnant, she might've been carrying small but she was in her third trimester. She felt better hiding it, made it easier to pretend it wasn't happening. She wished she could just skip to holding her daughter. It had only really started to sink in when she had her twenty week scan. She already knew she was having a girl because she'd been rushed in a few weeks prior and begged them to tell her what she was having, not caring if it was inaccurate that early on. When she'd had a confirmation of the gender at twenty weeks she'd started to take in that she'd really be responsible for a person.
Suddenly it wasn't just any baby, a nameless infant who kept kicking her ribs it, no she was Jac's. Though she was still utterly horrified by the thought she was pregnant with his child, therapy and her desire to create a functioning family unit for herself, helped her to seperate her child from the man who hurt her. She still hated being pregnant, it sucked and she didn't want to go outside because of how they looked at her. She didn't want to go anywhere really. Pitying her as they took in her baby face and tiny stature, making it impossible to pass off her growing stomach as weight gain. She was the laughing stock of their year but she'd stopped caring a long time ago. It did sting when they'd make their comments but she concluded not to react unless they threatened her.
There were better things to focus on. She was going to have a family of her own. Looking back she realises just how naive she was, but if she's honest it probably kept her sane over the entire pregnancy. She was too young to really understand just what having this baby would mean long-term. Too young to grasp that though she loved her daughter she wouldn't fix how empty she felt. As an adult Jac has had to accept that the peace she finds in giving AJ everything she ever wanted, doesn't make her mothers abandonedment of her any less painful. It actually hurts more because if she loves her daughter unconditionally despite everything, why doesn't her mother love her? And the memories of how he'd assault her seem to be hiding in the shadows jumping out to haunt her, whenever she might finally happy.
"Are you okay?"
"Sorry, it's just...it's just you look so much like your father and it's bringing it all back." She sighs, running her hands through her hair as Artemis squeezes her hand under the table. Jac had been so lost in her thoughts she didn't even see her join them at the table, having seen her mother's text stating that it was safe to come down.
"Oh. I'm sorry - no no don't be. It's not your fault that he's who he is. Look, as you can probably tell I'm not too well at the moment, but if you and Finley want to get to know her I won't stop you. She is your sister after all and she's old enough that I'm not too weary about it. There will have be some boundaries though. I don't want your mother around her unless she absolutely has to be, if let's say a few years down the line she's at a cousin's birthday pary and your Mum is there fine, but she can't just tag along if you drive down here to see her."
"I understand. Honestly, I really do. I appreciate being able to have any sort of relationship with my sister." He admits, smiling at his sister who has sat so quietly next ro her mother these past few minutes.
"What are you doing here anyway?"
"Visiting the in-laws, my wife's from Holby though she moved up to London for uni and never came back,so we come down here every now and then to take the kids to see her parents. I was just popping to the shops and about to mail this when I saw Artemis."
Jac nods as she's handed a stamped envelope,"I got the address off my Mum and figured it would get to you quicker if I mailed it whilst already in Holby."
"Thanks for doing this, I know you didn't want to meet him." Artemis whispers, leaning into her mother's shoulder. Jac smiles back at her, wrapping her arm around her tightly.
Mayhe things wouldn't be so bad. AJ's genuinely smiling again and it seems as if Freddie is being honest, he has kids of his own as she expected and she can tell he's feeling the weight of his father's actions. He feels so guilty and its a feeling she knows all too well, though in her case its justified.
Every time he glances at her with the guilt brimming in his eyes, she's reminded of Joseph and how the love he still bas for her its tainted by what she did. The guilt has been creeping up on her for a whike, despite what her colleagues think she's not evil incarcerate. She's not even a sociopath as some of them speculate, she's just a person who consistently makes bad decisions when it comes to relationships. Decisions she makes out of fear, a deep seated desire not to be hurt by those she loves because that's all she has know. It doesn't justify it she's wel aware, but when Kitty asked her what possessed her to cheat on Joseph, all she could muster was a string of words alluding to her misguided logic.
Shame. She feels so ashamed that she's becoming what she hates. A bad person. Truly she doesn't enjoy hirting people but they stay away when they fear you and so you feel safe. It's noy sustainable and now her best friend is a three hour drive away, the isolation hits her. She has no one but her daughter and soon AJ will be off at university. She was coping with that truth, and she considered getting a consultant post back in London when that happened. Now, she's not sure what her future will look like. Joseph is back in her life, back in her bed and they're having a baby. It's a good thing, she's wanted another chilf for a while but she was too responsible to have one with just any man. Not when they'd be a pseudo father to AJ if things worked out. Definitely not with the risk of him running once things got real. She can do it on her own but she never wants to see another child of her's crying because everyone's making father's day cards at Nursery, and she doesn't have a Dad.
Today she won't burden herself with that worry because though she doesn't know what will become of her reconciliation with Jospeh, she can be sure he won't walk away from their baby. He's a good man. Whether he will still love her when the child is here is up in the air but he will be a present father because he's a good man. He's a good man who she hurt and so the guilt is eating her alive, but she knows as she makes her way to her front door that he'll be waiting for her with open arms. He makes her happy which makes the shame burn hotter but at least for a moment, she'll put on a smile and pretend everytime he kisses her she doesn't feel unworthy.