Chapter 11
Fingers run through his hair. He knows this feeling. It's soothing. He sighs and shifts to get more comfortable. There's a crick in his neck and he realizes he's bent over. Confused, Finn opens his eyes. His head and upper half are on the hospital bed. His wife is awake, smiling at him softly, and running her fingers through his hair. He feels a smile form on his face.
"Hey."
"Good morning. Sorry to wake you, but you didn't seem comfortable." She says.
She looks tired. He wonders how long she's been awake. And how long before she stops constantly looking tired. Finn sits up but catches Rachel's hand and kisses it. He takes a moment to crack his neck and stretch it out before standing and stretching. Rachel watches him with an odd smile.
"What?"
"You didn't have to stay, you know."
"Did you want me to leave?"
"No."
"Me neither. So we're both happy." He insists, sitting on the edge of the bed.
"Fine. But next time, either sleep on the cot or climb on the bed with me, okay?"
"Okay." He leans over and kisses her forehead. When she tugs down her oxygen mask, he chuckles and kisses her lips. She replaces the mask, making him frown slightly. "How's your breathing?"
"Better. I think they can drop me to a nasal cannula soon."
He nods, then catches sight of the time. "It's still early. Want me to grab you something?"
"No. But Yero probably needs to take a walk and I'm sure you could use a coffee or something."
"Later." He says dismissively. "When the others return."
Finn tries to stand and get back to his seat but she stops him. She grabs his arm and tugs him down. He doesn't even hesitate, not caring if the nurses aren't happy with him, and lays on the bed with her. She curls into him and releases a contented sigh. They all made sure she was hugged and cuddled upon waking yesterday, knowing how badly she craves physical touch. Husband and wife hold one another for several minutes, just enjoying the moment of closeness. Then Rachel leans back slightly so they can see each other. Her hand comes up and strokes his cheek and jaw line. He hasn't shaved since coming to the hospital and has a decent amount of scruff he should probably shave off. Her eyes dance between his.
"I'm sorry I scared you." She whispers.
He'd been fine. At least, he thought he was fine. Especially waking up to find her awake and talking more normally than she has in days, he was feeling pretty good. Those words, however, spoken by her, unlock all of the emotion he'd shoved down the moment her severe attack struck. The floodgates open and he's startled by tears springing to his eyes. He chokes slightly on a wave of tears before swallowing them down. He opens his mouth, intending to reassure her that he's fine and that it wasn't her fault. That's not what comes out, though.
"I can't lose you."
Empathy and compassion fill her gaze. "You won't." Then she gives a slight grin that acknowledges she can't really promise that. She amends her statement. "Not yet, at least. I'm still here. Still holding on. Still fighting. I promise."
He's breathing harshly, trying to keep his emotions in check. Rachel can read him like a book. She knows him too well. She wraps a hand around the back of his head and pulls him down. He goes willingly, sliding down at her urging until his head rests on her chest. Finn wraps his arms around her waist. He buries his face in her chest and cries, knowing he needs to release this emotion before it becomes too much. And knowing he is safe to do so with his wife. No judgement, just love and support. He doesn't cry for long; she's fine, after all. She survived and will be released from the hospital soon enough. But he cried enough to release the fear and stress he's been carrying since Christmas Day; since he had to perform CPR on her. For several long minutes, he didn't know if she'd live or die. Now, he is able to release those emotions. She is alive. She'll be fine.
Rachel hums and rubs his back, using her other arm to hold him as tight as she can. When he calms down a few minutes later, she stops humming.
"We still have a long life to live together, you and I." She whispers to him.
They do. However, he can't help but think that a thousand years with her wouldn't be long enough. He debates saying that to her, despite how cheesy it is, and thinks it'd make her happy. Before he can, they hear a nurse outside the door talking to another nurse about checking vitals. Finn sits up and quickly dries his face. Then he pulls her mask aside long enough to kiss her in thanks. He's just sliding into his seat when the nurse enters.
He'll tell her some other time.
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Five days in the hospital may not seem long, but it was rough on them. Everyone is relieved to have her home. The doctor still wants her to use a nasal cannula while sleeping at night for another two days, but otherwise she's fine. No lasting effects, other than worse fatigue. She can't walk on her own just yet, but she can walk leaning on someone's arm. Scott insisted on carrying her up to her apartment when they got home, even as Finn and Burt argued about it. Burt and Scott made everyone laugh by putting on a show that they had to have rehearsed. While in the elevator, Burt "kicked" Scott between the legs and stole Rachel from his arms just as the elevator door opened on their floor. He then took off for her apartment at a light jog while Scott hobbled behind them yelling about betrayal. A neighbor carrying in groceries laughed at the scene, delaying opening his door to watch them with an amused grin.
For the rest of the day, she either accepted visits from her NY family who returned for the new year or phone calls from those who are still in Ohio. She assured everyone she spoke to that she's doing better. And she is. She stays awake more, talks more, and does more (playing games and completing puzzles and the like). When New Years Eve rolled around, Rachel convinced Kurt and Blaine to stick to their original plan of joining Kurt's boss and coworkers for a fancy, invite only party. They'd wanted to stay home with Rachel, Finn, and their parents. It took some persuading, but they finally went with their original plan. New Years Eve was a calm, very tame night for the rest of them. Rachel stayed up as late as she could but fell asleep on the couch leaning against her dad. He shook her awake long enough to participate in the final countdown. She accepted a glass of champagne (a few sips were deemed safe by her doctors), toasted the new year and her family, hugged and kissed them all, then announced she was going to bed. Seven minutes into the new year, she was sound asleep. Finn decided to join her. He said his goodnight's to the parents and slid into bed with his wife. The parents sat around talking a little longer before also heading to bed.
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Burt and Carole reluctantly headed back home to Ohio, hugging all of their children tight before departing. Scott just as reluctantly joined them. Shelby decided to stay longer since Finn would be heading back to work. Finn feels better knowing her mother is staying with them to help out for a little longer. As the days pass, Rachel's strength grows. More energy returns to her. She sleeps less and walks around on her own and eats more. It makes everyone happy. While Finn is at work, Shelby pulls out a DVD.
"We haven't watched this in a while."
She hands it to her daughter. Rachel takes it and chuckles. "Gee, I wonder why."
"Wanna watch it?"
"Sure."
She hands the Funny Girl DVD back to Shelby, who puts it in. They compare the movie version to the stage version Rachel starred in at times, but overall they just enjoy the show. Shelby is glad Rachel was willing to watch it; besides their love of singing, this is one of the first things they bonded over. Watching it now, after Rachel starred in it on Broadway, makes it feel extra special. She glances at her daughter to see if she's feeling the same way. Rachel is smiling slightly while watching the show, but closer inspection reveals a sadness in her gaze. It tugs at Shelby's heart. There are so many reasons Rachel could be feeling a little sad right now. However, she's pretty sure she knows what it's about. Funny Girl was the first show Rachel starred in on Broadway. It led to her Tony win and her becoming Elphaba in Wicked. But then it all stopped because she got sick. Chances are, Rachel is wondering if she'll ever get to perform in any show again. Shelby prays she does. They'd been sitting on opposite ends of the couch, each leaning on an arm rest. Wanting to comfort her daughter, Shelby reaches over and takes her hand, giving it a squeeze. Rachel jumps slightly, having been engrossed in either the show or her thoughts. Meeting Shelby's eyes, Rachel calms and smiles slightly at her. Shelby smiles back. She debates whether to say something but when Rachel turns back to the movie without a word, she decides to do the same. It's enough that Rachel knows she's there for her. The movie is coming to a close when Rachel turns to her.
"Know what this is making me want to do?"
"Sing?" Shelby asks knowingly.
"Yup."
Rachel stands and heads for the music room. Chuckling, Shelby follows her. She catches up to her quickly, but thankfully Rachel has regained enough strength that she doesn't need extra assistance walking. Still, Shelby can't shake the image of Rachel in the ICU on a ventilator just over a week ago. And Rachel knows her well enough not to argue or roll her eyes when Shelby keeps a hand hovering near her arm. Just in case. Mother and daughter sit at the piano in the music room and sing together happily. Shelby already loves singing; getting to sing with her daughter is so much more enjoyable. They switch between songs from musicals, Christmas songs, and pop songs. Rachel lasts longer than either expected before tiring and suggesting they stop. She did nap afterwards, but considering how much they sang, Shelby wasn't surprised.
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Shelby leaves that weekend, but only after Finn shows her the schedule the NY family made up to make sure Rachel always has at least one person with her. She also elicits a promise from him that he'll call her if Rachel, himself, or anyone else in their NY family needs anything. Finn solemnly swears to reach out to her. The entire flight home is spent thinking about how things are going. Not horrible but not great. At the last appointment, Dr. McCann explained that Rachel's heart stopping and needing to be on life support widened the crack in her foundation. However, she bounced back from that faster than the doctor anticipated, yet again defying the odds. She has more energy and more strength than expected at this point. That's the good news. The bad news is she's still stage three and still struggling with fatigue. The bone marrow transplant is still up in the air. Oliver is still doing everything he can to stay healthy so he can donate his marrow to her at a moment's notice.
When she gets home she immediately walks into her husband for a long embrace. Scott holds her and rubs her back, helping ease some of her tension. He steps back and looks deep into her eyes.
"Rachel will be fine. She'll get through this." He says confidently.
Shelby smiles. "You know, I really believe that."
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Finn laughs at Rachel and Yero "fighting" over a toy. Rachel keeps hiding it under her body or between the couch cushions, forcing Yero to "dig" for it. When he manages to get his teeth into it, Rachel grabs it as well and they play tug of war. Finn doesn't know how, but Yero somehow knows to be gentle with her, even as they play. He'll tug and pull and playfully growl, but he doesn't pull so hard that Rachel is pulled off the couch. During the five years she was healthy, Yero had no problem being rougher with her. Finn is pleased and impressed that the dog knows to be gentler now. He's looking forward to the weekend coming up. He loves the weekends more than ever this year because it means more time with his wife. When he'd gotten home from work, she'd been sleeping off a migraine. He's distracted from his thoughts by Rachel bursting out laughing. Yero has the toy and is victoriously prancing around, showing off his prize. Finn grins at her happy, relaxed demeanor. She really has handled the recent setback well. Yero trots away to his bed, where he gnaws on the toy happily. Finn turns back to Rachel and smiles.
"You seem to have more energy today." He comments.
"I do." She grins. She stretches out her leg and nudges him with her foot. "Wanna wear me out?"
His eyebrows shoot up and his stomach jumps. "Wait, seriously? Are you actually feeling up to it?"
It's been a while. He doesn't mind. As much as he loves her body and making love to her, he loves her. He doesn't need sex. He just needs her with him to be happy. Rachel is grinning and he thinks she's wiggling her eyebrows. It's hard to tell without actual eyebrows.
"I am. I want to make love to my husband."
Finn knows better than to deny her when she uses that tone. He scoops her into his arms and carries her to the bedroom, shutting the door with his foot. He kisses down her neck, taking his time. Since she's fallen ill, he has learned to read her body better and know when to speed up and when to slow down. They've also had several serious discussions about it and Rachel knows to be honest and let him know if she needs him to stop for any reason. It has happened twice. Once she became nauseous and another time she simply became too tired in the middle of it. This time is going smoothly. He has learned how to hold her so that she doesn't have to use too much energy but can still move with him. She has learned new ways of moving that require less effort on her part but still bring him (and her) great pleasure. He moves with strong, controlled thrusts. Her arms wrap around his sweaty shoulders and she moves with him, panting in his ear whenever they're not kissing.
Rachel pulls back from kissing him just enough to catch his gaze. "I love you."
Well, that's a no-brainer. But if she needs to say it and hear it back, he'll repeat it every hour of every day for the rest of their lives. "I love you."
She goes back to kissing him. He's feeling that delicious build when her body suddenly goes rigid and she stops moving. So does he. Concerned, he pulls back slightly. Her expression is pinched and pained. Then she gasps, a hand flying to her chest while the other clutches the back of his neck.
Shit. Moderate attack. He tries to extricate himself from her but her tensed up body doesn't let him. She gasps and jerks and twists against him. Against his will, his body finishes what they'd started together. Horror and shame fill him, realizing he just experienced extreme pleasure while his wife is literally suffering. Disgusted with himself, he rearranges them as best he can (still unable to move much), managing to wrap his arms around her and roll so they're on their sides. He holds her steady and rubs her back, reminding her to breathe. She curls into him and does her best to breathe. Eventually, her body relaxes and her muscles unclench. Finn is finally able to remove himself from her and adjust his hold so she's more comfortable. His gut churns, both over the fact that Rachel had a moderate attack and over his guilt for his body's reaction to her attack while he was inside her. Her breath gusts over his bare skin, warm and light, but uneven. He continues to rub soothing circles on her back, his other hand firmly pressing her lower back to keep her pressed against him. He'd hold higher but most of her bruises are higher up, so he is careful to avoid that area or go lightly over it. When her breathing changes, he looks down in concern. Her lips are curved up and her eyes are sparkling. She's laughing, though it sounds raspy and weak since she was just struggling to breathe. As time passes, her breathing strengthens and so do her giggles until she's laughing hard, her face turning red. Eventually her laughter calms, though her breathing is still choppy.
"Rach? Babe?"
She tilts her head up to him. "Enjoy yourself?"
Heat floods his body. "I'm sorry! I couldn't help it! You were all tight and squirming and and—"
Rachel bursts out laughing again. "I'm not mad!" She gasps out. "I know you couldn't help it! Glad one of us enjoyed ourselves."
Despite her obvious amusement, Finn still feels guilty. "I'm sorry. I wasn't enjoying your pain."
"I know that, Finn." She's still grinning. She's also still gasping for breath. "It was a natural physical reaction. I swear I'm not upset. I'm amused."
He groans. "I'm still sorry. Please don't tell anyone about this."
He kisses her cheek, ignores her renewed giggles, and gets up to get her oxygen tank. Yero is right outside the door and tries to run in as soon as he opens it. Finn catches him by the collar.
"Uh, uh. Not yet, Yero. Only I get to see my wife naked. You can snuggle with her later."
Yero whines, still trying to get to Rachel. Finn drags him with him into the living room. He grabs the tank then orders Yero to stay. Clearly displeased, the dog does as ordered. He puts the mask on her, just to be safe. Then he grabs her clothes and helps her dress.
"I'm sorry." He whispers. "I'm glad you found it funny, but I'm still sorry. And I'm sorry you didn't get your….happy ending…..before the attack hit. When you're breathing better, I'll make it up to you."
At her confused look, he licks his lips, momentarily casting his eyes below her hips, then winking at her. Her eyes widen and she bites her lip before nodding.
"Okay." She squeaks out.
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It took a few days before Finn was able to let go of his guilt and shame. Rachel consistently teasing him about it actually helped. If she'd been upset in any way, he'd never forgive himself. But seeing how truly amused she is over it, he was able to stop feeling so disgusted with himself.
They have Noah, Quinn, Kurt, and Blaine over for dinner that weekend. The group is chatting happily and enjoying the meal and conversation. Rachel watches the way Quinn and Noah interact and wonders how long it'll be before an engagement is announced. They'd had a major fight and broke up, but that didn't last long. They were back together a few weeks later. When she'd realized they'd hidden it from her so she wouldn't be stressed or worried about them, she'd admonished them. She wants to be involved in their lives; the good and the bad. They'd relented and Quinn told her all about the fight. She also checked in on Noah, making sure he was handling it okay. He'd admitted to her that he'd never been so scared of losing a girlfriend before. Rachel pointed out that Quinn is his first serious girlfriend. The other girls he's been with were casual relationships. Now, they're back together and stronger than ever. And happier than ever. It warms Rachel's heart to see them like this and hopes she's around for their wedding. Realizing she's jumping the gun a little, she shakes the thoughts away and focuses on the conversation at hand.
"—so now, thanks to our annoying neighbor, we have limits on visitors." Noah complains.
"That really sucks." Blaine agrees with a nod.
"It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone." Rachel acknowledges.
"They're just bitter they don't ever get any visitors." Quinn mutters. She turns to Noah. "But if you move in with me—"
"Maybe. Or you could take the job in the city." He counters.
The others wait quietly. Obviously they want Quinn closer to them, but no one wants to make her feel like she's being pressured into it. It needs to be her decision. Rachel is half convinced she stays away to have some distance from her and her health issues. The less she's around the less she is available to help out. Rachel understands it completely, but the thought makes her uncomfortable. She'd avoid her illness if she could and doesn't blame Quinn in the slightest. But it sucks to think she may be a reason her friend is staying out of the city. She does help out from time to time, but less than the others. Rachel decides not to think about it and not worry about it. But of course, the conversation swings around to her health.
"When was your last attack?" Kurt asks her, changing the topic of conversation. He's obviously referring to moderates since they'd all be informed if she had another severe attack and milds are nearly daily.
Rachel casts a quick glance Finn's way before responding casually. "Just the other night, actually."
"Nothing new, right?" Kurt presses. They've been worried that her severe attack and heart stopping twice and difficulty breathing on her own afterwards would make it harder for her to handle moderates. The doctors warned her that it was possible she'd struggle to breathe more after moderates, at least for a while.
Rachel twirls her fork, gathering more spaghetti on it. She purposely avoids looking at her husband. "My muscles clenched awfully tight. Don't know how new that is since we're not usually quite that….close…during an attack."
Beside her, Finn is trying to hide the fact that he just choked on his food. His face is turning a lovely shade of red. The back of his hand that's holding his fork is pressed to his lips and his eyes are watering and he struggles to surreptitiously cough out the food in his wind pipe. The others are frowning in confusion, their brows furrowed.
"Your muscles…clenched?" Quinn asks for clarification.
Rachel nods innocently. "All of them, it seemed like."
"Wait, what do you mean you're not usually that close to someone? Someone's usually right next to you." Blaine asks.
Rachel shrugs. "Yeah, but not that close."
Finn is fidgeting and his eyes are darting around, checking if anyone picked up on her insinuation yet. Rachel swallows down her spaghetti and smiles. Noah is looking between Rachel's nonchalant expression and Finn's red and panicky expression with a curious look. There's a moment of silence, but when Rachel offers no further information, Blaine begins talking about work.
"I've decided I am going to audition for that new role coming out. I want a leading role this time. I think—"
"DUDE!"
All eyes snap to Noah. Rachel's eyes are glimmering with amusement but poor Finn looks like he wants to curl up and die on the spot. Noah is staring at Finn with a shocked look. Finn can't take it anymore. He stands abruptly, coughing out the final bit of food.
"It wasn't my fault! I couldn't help it!"
"You couldn't help it?!" Noah asks incredulously.
Rachel feels bad for Finn but is far too amused to let that feeling linger. She'll make it up to him later. The others still haven't caught on. Figures it'd be Puck who caught on first.
"What is going on?" Quinn asks.
Face bright red, Finn groans and glares at Rachel. She holds up her hands innocently. "I didn't say anything, he just figured it out."
"What?" Kurt asks, getting irritated at not understanding what he's missing.
"That's sick, man." Noah glares mildly.
"It really wasn't his fault." Rachel defends. "He was honestly stuck in that position."
"He was—" Kurt's eyes go wide with understanding.
"Busy getting off while his wife was going through an attack." Noah confirms.
"I couldn't pull out! Her muscles were clenched around me and my body just reacted!" Finn yells.
Rachel, Blaine, and Quinn burst out laughing. Noah is shaking his head. Finn lowers his head into his hands with a defeated sigh. Rachel rubs his back, grinning at the whole thing.
"Well, she clearly isn't upset about it." Blaine hedges.
"Nope." Rachel easily agrees. "I was held and loved and supported in the most intimate way while I was in pain. He helped me through it."
Kurt looks a tinge green, but the others share in Rachel's amusement. Noah spends the rest of the night mercilessly teasing Finn who finally shakes off his embarrassment and snaps back at him. As amused as she is, Rachel continues to defend Finn. Seeing their united defense, Noah eventually backs off. Rachel turns the tables by teasing Noah about the women he was in casual relations with in the past and some of the stupid choices he made with them, pointing out that Finn's situation was out of his control and he handled it the best he could. Noah, on the other hand, made many stupid choices just because he was horny. Finally, Quinn smacked the back of Noah's head, glared at Rachel for bringing up his sexual history/stupidity, and insisted they change the conversation. Nodding furiously and still looking grossed out, Kurt seconded that motion. Finn sat back with a relieved sigh. Feeling a tad guilty for her part in it, Rachel kissed his cheek and silently promised she'd make it up to him later.
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On Valentine's Day, he ordered them meals from a fancy restaurant. Rachel ordered dessert from their favorite bakery. That night, weeks after their previous time, Rachel again initiates sex. He assured her she didn't need to; just holding her is enough. She'd given him a look and made it very clear that it's not just for him; it's for her as well. This is how they feel close. And since her numbers aren't climbing very fast, they both need some comfort and closeness. No attack this time. Just husband and wife bringing one another pleasure and feeling close to one another.
Her numbers continue to slowly climb. She's still in stage three, but nearing the cusp of stage two. Her treatments are finally working. They're all happy about it and hopeful that it means she can get the transplant soon. She's slowly starting to feel better, too. Slowly but surely. It brightens their days and makes the hard days easier to handle. That is, until a few weeks later. In the final week of February, Rachel realizes something. She stares at her pack of birth control, then at the calendar. Her stomach sinks and her heart races. She breathes harshly. Finn enters the bedroom and frowns when he catches sight of her expression.
"What's wrong?"
"I haven't gotten my period."
At first, he stares at her in confusion, his brow furrowed. When realization sinks in, he freezes. Rachel's lip quivers. She always imagined this moment as a happy, exciting one. Not a terrifying one. When she'd been throwing up more the past few days, they assumed it was a delayed reaction from her treatments or just a symptom. But now….a whole new possibility has emerged. Finn can't speak. His mouth hangs open and his hands clench and unclench. Tears fall down her cheeks.
"Finn…..if I'm pregnant…" Her face crumbles.
Finn jumps into action, pulling her into a hug. She doesn't have to finish the sentence. If she's pregnant, they'll have no choice but to abort the baby. It'd be against their will, but it'd be medically necessary. She is simply too sick and not strong enough to carry a baby to term. Hell, just trying to would probably kill her. Which would also kill the baby. The idea of having to destroy a life they made, something they both want, just to keep Rachel alive, would hurt them both very badly. He doesn't want either of them to have to go through that. His mind casts about for a different reason for her missed period.
"There are other reasons why you might have missed your period." He points out gently.
She sniffles and nods. "I know. I've lost a lot of weight. I'm on a lot of medications. I'm stressed. Any of those could explain it. But maybe not. The possibility is there, Finn."
"I'll go get a test." He whispers gruffly into her ear.
She clings to him even harder. "Not yet. Please. Not yet. I can't know for sure. Not yet. I can't handle it tonight."
His heart breaks for her. If this is hard on him, he can't even imagine how upsetting this is for her. "Okay. I'll pick one up after work tomorrow, okay?"
She nods into his shoulder. That night, while she sleeps, Finn can't help but slide his hand down so his fingers are splayed on her belly. He always dreamed of her being pregnant with their child. But not like this. Not now. Now it would be a nightmare. And it's not one he's sure she'd survive. She's strong, but is she that strong?
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Puck isn't sure why Rachel seems more upset than usual today. He is going through paperwork from her place so he can stay with her while Finn is at work. They'd both been oddly melancholy but neither would say why. It makes Puck nervous, but he won't push them to talk. Instead, he makes a point to distract Rachel as much as possible. It takes a while and the odd look in her eye never fully goes away, but he does get her to smile and relax. As the day winds down, the weary look in her eyes gets stronger. He can't take it anymore.
"Look, you know me." He tells her softly. "I'm not one to press people on their emotions and shit. But you know you can tell me anything, right?"
"I know." She responds just as softly. Then something in her gaze shifts. "Do you swear to keep it a secret? From everyone?"
"I do." He solemnly swears.
"Even Quinn?"
That makes him hesitate. He and Quinn don't keep secrets and the idea of it makes his stomach squirm. However, this is probably the only situation where he thinks Quinn would forgive him. Decision made, he nods. "Even Quinn."
The muscles around her lips tremble and he realizes she's trying not to cry. The words come out in a hoarse whisper. "I might be pregnant."
A thrill of excitement shoots through him. His immediate reaction is to smile and congratulate her. The mix of devastation and fear on her face stills all of it and reality quickly sinks in. He understands what it means and why she's so upset. And why Finn was acting the way he was this morning. His stomach clenches and his heart goes out to them. Not knowing what to say, he takes her hand in his, bows his head, and leads her in a prayer. Sniffling, she bows her head and quietly joins in. Puck thinks about the fact that he prays the most when it comes to Rachel's health. He'd give anything for things to finally go well for her. Five years of health and happiness was nice but not nearly long enough. She deserves more than that. And she certainly doesn't deserve this new stress and fear. His heart goes out to both of them and he contemplates how he can help Finn deal with it. Part of him wishes it was Sam here today and not him. Sam is more in touch with his emotions and would probably know what to say and do. Puck is clueless. He hopes the prayer helps. And a hug. Hugs are always a good way of comforting her. He hopes its enough.
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He bought two; each a different brand. They had dinner in tense silence, neither able to enjoy the meal. Eventually they accept defeat and clean up. Finn pours her glass after glass of water. Bladder full, Rachel heads to the bathroom. Finn paces the bedroom until she emerges.
"Now we wait."
He hates this. This should be exciting, thrilling, and full of happiness and joy. Not fear and despair. It's not fair. They're so close to having everything they want, but getting it right now would risk them losing it all. Her face crumbles and she whimpers. He grabs her in a warm embrace. He rocks her from side to side in a gentle sway as she cries silent tears. His own eyes sting with unshed tears. They sway until they are both calmer. Feeling her waver, he leads her to the bed. She slides up so she's leaning on the headboard and grabs a book to distract herself. As she reads, Finn paces.
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Kurt cautiously steps into the Hudson's apartment. He's been so busy at work that he hasn't seen his sister in two days. That's two days too long. So he picked up their favorite cookies from a cookie shop and heads over. Not seeing or hearing them, Kurt drops the box of cookies on the counter and searches the apartment. The bedroom door is ajar. He hesitates, then lightly pushes the door open more. His head tilts curiously as he takes in the scene. Rachel is sitting up in bed, on top of the covers, reading. Finn is pacing anxiously.
"Your pacing is making me dizzy."
Finn glances at her. "You're not even looking at me."
"Not directly. But I can see your movements in my peripheral vision. And I can hear your feet moving." There's an odd tone to her voice that Kurt can't quite name.
"You'd be pacing too, if you felt up to it." He argues.
"True." She agrees easily.
Finn resumes pacing. Rachel resumes reading. Kurt debates between announcing his presence, continuing to watch the odd scene, or leaving unnoticed. He's curious what's going on. He's taking a silent step backwards when Rachel drops the book to her lap with a groan.
"Now I want to pace!" She whines.
Finn smirks at her as he paces by the bed. She glowers at him and mutters "ass" as he passes by. Kurt grins. But something about their interaction, the looks on their faces and their tone, doesn't quite match what he's seeing. He just can't figure out why and it's bugging him. So he keeps watching. Finn heads to her and has her stand. Kurt frowns when her legs buckle. Finn steadies her, then has her stand on his feet with her back to his front. He wraps his arms around her to keep her up and resumes his pacing with a new passenger in tow. He moves and she moves with him. Rachel's lips twitch before a smile fully forms. Then she giggles. Finn chuckles. The scene is adorable and funny. Kurt grins at the sight before him. He surreptitiously pulls out his phone and records the scene. Husband and wife laugh as they pace together, moving as one.
Kurt's smile falters when their laughter subsides and their expressions become worried and tense. That's when he realizes there are tears on Rachel's face and Finn's eyes are red. Finn pauses his pacing and pulls out his phone. He plays music then helps Rachel turn so she's facing him. She smiles sadly up at him. Finn returns it. With Rachel still standing on his feet, Finn begins a slow dance. They turn and Kurt gets a clearer look at their expressions. Fear. That's the emotion in both their eyes. They're afraid. But of what?
Deciding not to intrude on this obviously private moment between husband and wife any longer, Kurt stops recording and silently retreats. He sends up a silent prayer that all is well and heads home. He'll swing by tomorrow and hope one of them tells him what's going on.
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They hear the timer ding but neither move. They can't. Fear keeps them rooted to the spot. They both realize they're in no state to see the results at the moment. Rachel knows they need to check it soon, though. The longer they wait the worse it'll be. She's just not sure she has the strength to deal with it.
"There's only so much I can take, Finn." Rachel whispers, her voice low and tremulous.
Finn pulls her even closer. Unable to find any words to say to reassure her, he chooses instead to resume their dance. That's fine with her. She doesn't need him to talk; she just needs him by her side. His movements get bigger, grander, and goofier. They even begin to smile and chuckle lightly. Rachel smiles up at her husband adoringly. She tilts her head and closes her eyes, knowing he'll oblige her and lean down for a kiss. He does. His warm lips pressed against hers makes her stomach jump pleasantly. It reminds her that she can handle anything with him at her side. It also reminds her that while he has been strong for her, she needs to be strong for him. She takes in a shuddering breath and smiles up at him.
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
Her smile becomes a sardonic grin. "Let's go see if a fresh new hell awaits us."
She turns to head to the bathroom. Finn turns her back to face him. "Okay, but….just remember that no matter what, we'll get through it together."
She gives him a serious look. "I know that, Finn. It's how I've been getting through this. It's the only way we'll get through any of this."
"True." He smiles back.
They clasp hands and head to the bathroom together. Rachel warily picks up the first pregnancy test. Her eyes jump to his.
"Negative."
They take a moment to breathe in relief before their eyes move to the second test.
"And the other?" He asks anxiously.
She picks that one up and releases a breathe. "Also negative."
They share a relieved smile before it fades. While they're extremely relieved they don't have to go through the trauma that awaited them if she had been pregnant, it's still an upsetting and stressful situation. Rachel throws the tests in the trash.
"C'mon. Let's make hot cocoa and watch a funny movie."
"Wedding Crashers?" He asks hopefully.
She chuckles. "Sure."
She doesn't care for the movie but knows he finds it hysterical. And she loves hearing him laugh.
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Kurt comes over the next day and she tells him about it. He hugs her tight. With her and Finn's permission, he tells the others (minus Puck since he already knew, but Rachel gave him permission to tell Quinn—he'd been right, she'd understood and wasn't angry that he kept it from her). They split up to offer support to the still fragile Hudsons. The girls and Kurt stay at Rachel's apartment and give one another manicures and watch romcoms (but none with babies or pregnancy). The guys take Finn out to a rage room then to a bar. Rachel rolls her eyes when Finn stumbles home with Noah and Sam supporting him. But she won't begrudge him this rarely used coping mechanism. He rarely gets drunk and tonight she's not upset; she's jealous she can't also drink her sorrows away. She's very grateful that their loved ones all stepped up to support each of them how they needed to be supported. She couldn't be more grateful for them.
Finn kisses her sloppily then stumbles off to bed. Rachel gets up and sets out what he'll need to deal with a hangover in the morning, ignoring her friends teasing her for being a "good wife". Since he's drunk, Santana and Brittany insist on staying the night. They make it a sleepover. Kurt and Quinn wish they could stay as well, but both have obligations early in the morning. They grumble about adulting sucking before heading home.
Her mom comes the following weekend to offer her own comfort in person. They talk for a long time about how Rachel feels about it. Since Finn is out taking time for himself, Rachel opens up and admits to something she'd been thinking about.
"Back when I was planning on freezing my eggs, I thought about telling Finn he had my blessing to hire a surrogate to carry our child if I died. That way he'd still have a piece of me, a piece of us, with him always." Her mom's mouth falls open and her expression becomes torn. Rachel hurries on. "I know I know! I can see both sides of it! It could be very very good or very very upsetting. So I didn't say anything. But briefly, when I thought I might be pregnant, I thought about it again." She twists the fabric of her shirt between her fingers. "I thought if I could just carry the child to term, or at least far enough that they could survive outside of me, even if I died, which is already a possibility, he'd still have our child to raise and love."
Her mom blows out a long breath and looks away. She's silent for a moment before turning back to her. "I get it, honey, I do. And it's a very sweet sentiment. But I think that would make it even harder on Finn, not easier for him. I could be wrong. You know him best. Still, I think you were right not to bring that up to him. Maybe after you are in remission again let him know you thought about it. But not now."
Rachel looks down. "Yeah. That occurred to me. I think you're right. I just…..he wants a child of ours as badly as I do. And I want him to have something to comfort him after I'm gone. If I die." She tacks on quickly, seeing her mom's expression become pinched.
Her mom rests her hand over hers. "And regardless of your kind intentions, you know perfectly well that if you got pregnant now neither you nor the baby would survive."
"I know." Rachel mumbles bitterly. "I know that. I was just—"
"Trying to find some sort of silver lining. You wanted something good to come from this. For Finn's sake."
She looks up. Her mom is smiling at her warmly. "Yeah."
"As hard as it is to hear, it is better this way."
It is hard to hear, even if she already knows it. Reality sucks.
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Her numbers continue to go up through March. Rachel is finally in stage two. Dr. McCann tells her that once she's midway through stage two (meaning more securely in the stage), she'll go back to chemo and start the transplant. If she goes back to chemo now, there's too big a chance she'll drop back to stage three before she can safely begin the transplant. She gains back a little more energy and appetite as well. These facts help everyone feel better. Everyone who loves her has a bit of pep in their step these days. Their confidence in her recovery is rising as well. Her parents (both sets) still visit when they can, coming for random days or weekend visits. Her Ohio family still calls frequently, though Dylan and Ollie are busy with school and sports and haven't been calling quite as frequently. Rachel doesn't mind; she understands. She does like that Abby has been calling frequently. She enjoys chatting with her older cousin.
She feels so well that she, Finn, Quinn, and Noah even went on a double date. Knowing she wouldn't have the energy for both dinner and a movie out, they ordered food from a restaurant, which they ate at Noah's apartment. Then they went to see a movie in theaters. They planned it for two days after Rachel had a moderate attack to reduce the chances of an attack hitting while out of the apartment. She doesn't leave her apartment for fun reasons often, so it was a nice change of pace for her. She felt a little more normal, even though she had to wear a medical mask the entire time and bring Yero with her. She did go straight to bed after, but the fact that she managed that much made her very happy.
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By the beginning of April, she was halfway through stage two and back to getting chemotherapy. This would be her final round before being admitted to the hospital for the transplant. Everyone is a mix of eager and nervous. Oliver received permission to be homeschooled for the week leading up to the transplant, to reduce his exposure to germs. It wasn't required but his parents suggested it and the school agreed. Just to be safe. Rachel hates being back to chemo but is relieved to know it means she's closer to getting the transplant and closer to going into remission.
She and Finn discussed the possibility of not doing the transplant and just continuing with the AA treatments since her numbers are going up steadily. However, Dr. McCann cautioned them against that. Since this is her third time fighting it and her body is weakened, it is more likely that her body will stop responding to treatments and her numbers will plummet rather than put her back into remission. It's not what would definitely happen, but it is more likely. And if it does happen, it'd happen fast. Too fast to switch to the transplant in time. Recalling that happening her first time facing this, they relented.
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Sam and Brittany, always an amusing combination, took her to her first day of chemo. Finn had wanted to take half a day off work to go with her, but she convinced him not to. He's already taken many days and will absolutely be taking more time off once she goes for the transplant. He was reluctant to let it go, but eventually he relented. Surprisingly, she was fine through her first chemo. By the time she got home she was uncomfortable and 'blah', but not overly ill. It was a nice change of pace. But brief. Rachel spent the final hour of her second day of chemo vomiting profusely and spent the rest of the afternoon feeling nauseous. A few days into this round of chemo, she was sleeping through most of it, only waking up to vomit or ask for medicine for her aching head.
Her nosebleeds and bruises got worse. She ended up needing a normal blood transfusion after a particularly bad bleed. They feared it meant her numbers dropped. And they did. Thankfully, she's still stage two so they're going to keep going. Rachel is relieved. If she has to delay her transplant any longer she's going to lose her mind and start screaming. As it is, she spent the evening ranting to Blaine while he listened sympathetically.
"I know, I feel the same." He said, joining her on the couch and bumping her shoulder to make her smile. "But there's really nothing we can do about it. For now, you're scheduled for your transplant. Focus on that, not on the possibility of delaying it again."
He's right. But she's scared. That makes it hard to accept his reassurance. Rachel is scared she won't survive the transplant. She's scared she won't live long enough to get the transplant. And she's downright terrified of the transplant not working. All this for nothing? She honestly has no idea how she'd handle that. It wouldn't be pretty, she knows that much. To help distract her and cheer her up, he drags her up to her apartment and to her music room so they can sing "Suddenly Seymour" together. It's a fun duet and they sound fabulous together. As usual, singing is a great way to help her work through her emotions. Finn comes with her for her final day of chemo this round. It's rough. Feeling downright miserable, she curls up in the chemo chair and tries her best to nap. A mild attack has her snapping awake with a gasp. Finn grips her hand and doesn't let go after it ends. She releases a long sigh.
"As glad as I am to be doing this because it means I'm closer to getting the transplant and closer to going back into remission, I hate this. I really hate chemo. It's worse than my AA treatments." Tired from her tirade, she closes her eyes.
"Yeah, but think about how much cleaner our apartment has been with you bald. Especially the bathroom!"
Rachel cracks open an eye to find her husband smirking at her. She glares at him. "I will hit you."
Finn laughs. "Go ahead. It'd be an incredibly weak hit. It'd be like a leaf falling on me."
She glares harder. "Then I'll throw up on you instead."
His smirk wavers, seeming uncertain how serious she's being. Pleased, she closes her eyes again and tries to sleep.
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Her numbers dropped. Drastically. Not wanting to risk having another delay, Dr. McCann tells her to report to the hospital right away. Finn and Rachel clean up their dinner as quickly and calmly as they could, then pack bags to bring to the hospital. On the ride to the hospital, Finn sends an email to his principals and HR, stating that he'll be out for a few days and briefly explaining why. Rachel texts her parents, then brothers. At the hospital, she is quickly admitted. They hesitated to let Yero come, but ultimately decided it wouldn't benefit anyone to keep him home. He easily settles onto the bed with her.
While she was on her way to the hospital, Dr. McCann was calling the Corcoran family to request Oliver's presence in New York. The family dropped everything to prepare for their imminent departure.
The message went out to the whole family:
It's finally happening.
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"This went from taking too long to happening too fast." Rachel says quietly.
Kurt nods in understanding. "Yeah. But things with your health either happen very slowly or very quickly."
Unable to deny the truth in that, she shrugs. "At least we know now that the transplant is the best option for me. Dr. McCann explained that considering how quickly my numbers dropped while I was doing chemo and not on my AA meds, there's no way the regular treatment alone would have put me back into remission."
She's trying to focus on the positive, not her uncertainties. It was a relief to know the chemo and hair loss weren't for nothing and the transplant is needed. She'd been uncertain while her numbers were climbing while just getting the AA treatment. She'd wondered if the transplant wasn't needed. But seeing how quickly her numbers dropped once she stopped the treatment to go back to chemo, she knew the doctor was right. This transplant is absolutely necessary and probably her only chance of surviving. Her brothers joined her in the hospital once she was admitted. They brought dinner for all of them. Her parents are coming in the next few days; they'll be here in time for the transplant. Rachel tried telling them it wasn't necessary. First of all, there's nothing they can do besides wait around, which they can do in the comfort of their own homes rather than a hospital waiting room. Second of all, she has plenty of support here and so do everyone else. Her reasons were waved aside as meaningless. Her parents want to be here, so she gave up trying to convince them otherwise. And even though everyone else in NY have each other for support, Rachel decided it can't hurt for them (especially Finn) to have even more support; especially from their parents.
Her New York family are constantly in and out to visit with her and Finn. Her family elsewhere in the world keep calling and texting. Everyone is showing their support in some way. They're all excited…..and nervous. Santana was the only one to actually talk about being nervous, but she did so in her usual flippant way. Rachel appreciated the familiarity of it. San isn't walking on eggshells around her. She always has and always will state her mind.
"If this doesn't work, will you go back to higher dose treatments or the long painful treatment?" San asks.
Rachel really doesn't want to think about that, but seeing how worried Santana is she answers honestly. "I'd go back to the higher dose treatments. He doesn't want me doing the really painful treatment. He doesn't think that'd be a good option for me this time. At least not at this time."
San blows out a breath. "This transplant better fucking work."
Rachel grins humorlessly. "You're damn right it'd better."
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Finn stares at his wife. She's reclined in her hospital bed while going through her (hopefully) final ever chemo treatment. She's been in and out of sleep the whole time, only waking to vomit occasionally. She'd been gaining a little weight back over the past few months so it really sucks to see that weight disappear so quickly. Her beanie is slipping off her head. He leans forward and gently tugs it down to keep her warm. He kisses her lightly on the lips before sitting back. She cracks open an eye and her lips twitch into a slight smile at the sight of him.
"Hm."
"Go back to sleep." He whispers.
She closes her eye again. She has a slight fever that they're watching closely. She hasn't really gotten sick much this time around since she rarely leaves home. If she develops a virus or something, they'll have to delay the transplant. But it's very possible that the fever is just a reaction to the chemo. They'll know in a few hours. Finn takes the time to pray that the transplant works and she goes back into remission quickly. They're so close to getting their lives back.
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Oliver Corcoran watches the doctor as he checks over his vitals. He'd arrived in New York last night and reported straight to the hospital this morning while Rachel is getting her final round of chemo. They suggested he not see her yet. She has a slight fever and they're not sure if it's from chemo or if it means she's getting sick. And they can't risk him catching anything, as that'd mean he wouldn't be able to donate his marrow to her.
"Okay, everything looks good. We'll wait on the results of your swab test, blood test, and urine test, but so far it looks like you are in perfect health." Dr. McCann says with a smile.
"So we can keep with the plan?" His mom asks anxiously.
They all want this transplant to happen quickly so she can get back to being better sooner. The doctor nods. "As long as her fever goes away today, we'll continue on a planned. Oliver, you'll be put into a clean room today and won't leave until after you've donated your marrow."
He nods. "I understand."
He already said a temporary goodbye to his dad and brother. Only one parent is allowed in with him at this stage and he wanted his mom with him. He'll be able to talk to them all, but only through a special divider. No physical contact for a few days for him. He's fine with it because it's for Rachel. His mom turns to him with a supportive smile.
"Well, I guess I'll hug you now and step out so we can—"
"Hold on." Dr. McCann interrupts, startling them. "I want to make something clear to Oliver before this begins and I'd like him to have a parent with him when I do."
"Okay?"
"Oliver, you have to understand that while we hope and expect this to work quickly, it might not. It may take a while for the transplant to work for Rachel and that's not your fault if that happens. Or if it doesn't work at all or her body rejects it, it's not your fault." The doctor sighs deeply. "Her body is failing, Oliver. Technically, her body is dying. We're hoping this works and it should. But that doesn't mean it will. But that wouldn't be on you, it'd be because her body can't handle it, okay? So please don't feel guilty if it takes a while to work or doesn't work at all."
Oliver swallows hard. "Okay."
The idea of it not working makes him feel sick. He hopes it doesn't take long before she starts getting better.
"Rachel has defied all odds so far." His mom points out.
"Very true." Dr. McCann agrees with a smile. "She's a strong woman. A fighter."
"She never gives up on her dreams." Oliver says with a nod.
"She'll be fine, Ollie. But if the doctor is right and the worst happens and she doesn't get better, that's not on you."
Oliver nods. Not because he agrees but because he knows it's the only way they want him to respond. He's worried they won't let him do the transplant if he argues the point. His mom hugs him tight and kisses his cheek.
"You'll be out of here in a few days and we'll talk through the divider, okay?"
"Okay. I'm fine, Mom."
She nods and leaves. Oliver thought he was ready but feels unsteady. It only takes a moment for him to understand why. He turns to the doctor.
"There's really no way I can see her first?" He asks quietly.
Dr. McCann looks at him speculatively, tapping his pen on his clipboard as he thinks it over. "I might be able to manage something. I'm not sure, though."
"I just…..I need to see her." His eyes water slightly. "I want to hug her."
The "just in case" is left unsaid, but the doctor clearly understands. His face becomes sympathetic. "Let me see what I can do."
Oliver nods. He sits on the bed and plays on his sanitized gameboy to distract himself. His family is on the other side of the barrier. They talk occasionally but mostly distract themselves their own ways. It's several hours later when a nurse arrives.
"Alright. Rachel's fever is gone. It was just a reaction to the chemo. We're gonna wheel her to you, okay? That way you don't have to leave the clean room. "
"Got it." He says eagerly.
He paces the room anxiously while waiting. He wasn't expecting it to take almost an hour. A nurse told him they had to sanitize a wheelchair, wait for Rachel to feel up to getting into the wheelchair, then they had to put a medical mask on her, gloves, and then she had to go through the same little sanitization chamber he had to before entering the clean room. His heart thuds in his chest and his stomach squirms.
"I'm sorry! I didn't expect it to be that much work for her or I never would have asked."
"Oliver, she happily agreed." His dad tells him. "She wants to see you, too."
Even though he's healthy and in a clean room, a nurse still hands him a mask to put on. She insists it's to protect both of them, so he quickly puts it on. A little later, there's a swish sound, the door opens, and Rachel is pushed in by a nurse. Rachel looks…..okay. Not quiet as good as the last time he saw her in person but better than he feared. She's sitting up in the chair and he can tell from her eyes that she's smiling.
"Hi, Ollie." She sounds how she always does and it helps put him at ease.
"Hi, Rachel." He drags a chair over next to her.
She rests her gloved hand on his. "Thank you again for doing this."
He's shaking his head before she finishes talking. "You don't have to thank me. Seriously."
"Still. I love you and appreciate you. No matter what."
He doesn't like that last part so he ignores it. He knows this will be a brief meeting so he asks her how she's feeling and she promises she's doing well and looking forward to the transplant. He tells her a little about school and what being homeschooled for the past two weeks was like. It was similar to her own homeschooling when she was in high school so they chat about the pros and cons of it. They laughed over the fact that it was actually easier on Rachel because she was still able to socialize with friends while he had to stick to talking to them on the phone. She tried to apologize for that but he brushed it off with a shrug.
"It was worth it."
The nurse steps in. "Time to go. We can't risk contamination in either direction."
They nod. Rachel squeezes his hand. "I love you, Oliver. Thank you."
"I love you, too."
Hoping it's okay, he leans over and hugs her. He smiles when she hugs him back hard. The nurse wheels her out and they wave until the door closes. He goes to the window and watches her wave to his parents and brother before being wheeled down the hall back to her room. She'll be in her own clean room tomorrow morning, where she'll stay until the transplant.
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Rachel is both eager and nervous. Her parents have already come and spoken with her. They had to wear masks and limit their time with her so it was a quick hug and "I love you" from each before they had to step out. As brief as it was, she was very grateful she got to see and hug them. Especially her mom. Just hearing her mom's soothing voice whisper she loves her in her ear helped reassure her. Same with her NY family. Now it's just her and Finn. He's staying the night with her then has to let her be brought to her own clean room first isolation for a day and final tests before the transplant. She didn't even have to ask. Finn climbed on the bed with her and is holding her. She curls into him and breathes in his comforting scent. She loves listening to the steady cadence of his heart beneath her ear while his hands slowly rub her back. That's how she falls asleep. And how she wakes in the morning. Same position, same motions. Rachel wonders if Finn stayed still all night to hold her or if he moved or got up and returned before she woke. She opens her eyes when he pulls back slightly and slides down so they're eye to eye.
"I love you."
She smiles and stares into his eyes. She sees his fear and worry. But more than that, she sees his love and his confidence. He has faith in her. She pulls on that to be able to respond firmly instead of shakily.
"I love you, too."
She tilts her head up and his obliges her, moving in for a kiss. When he pulls back she shakes her head, catches the back of his head, and pulls him back in. They kiss slowly, softly, but still deeply. He only stops when she pulls back.
"I'll see you soon." He whispers. "And then we'll get back to our lives and plans."
She nods. "We will."
A nurse enters and smiles at them. "It's time."
Finn climbs off the bed. Rachel puts on her mask while the nurse moves the IV pole and heart monitor to attach to the bed while it moves. They unlock the wheels and an orderly rolls her out of the room. Finn walks beside her holding her hand. Just before she's rolled into the clean room Finn leans down and kisses her forehead. She wishes she could kiss him on the lips again. She settles for squeezing his hand. It's hard for both of them to let go but they do. Rachel, now alone, is wheeled into the clean room. Finn stands on the other side of the barrier and waits while they sanitize her and get her fully into the room. She removes her mask and smiles at him. He gives her a crooked grin that has her stomach flipping. She reminds herself that she'll be back in his arms soon. He is joined by her brothers and parents. They stand there chatting quietly and watching her. It's a little weird but she shakes it off and closes her eyes, focusing on listening to the sound of her family talking. It makes her think of the recording she was given when she was stage four. She falls asleep to the comforting sound of their voices floating over her.
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Everything looks good; all tests come back clean. Rachel has her bed rolled right next to the divider. She takes the time to speak to every member of her family privately. She's impressed her mom stayed dry eyed and smiling through their brief talk. She refuses to call it a goodbye, despite her fears of not surviving this. No one says the word "goodbye". Everyone keeps their words and tone positive. Because this is not goodbye. Not by a long shot. Finn is last. He steps up to the divider and presses his hand against it. On the other side, Rachel does the same. She can just slightly make out heat of his hand and wishes she could feel his skin against hers again. She wants to interlock their fingers. They stare at one another silently for a long moment. Rachel works up the courage to smile first. Finn copies her. The longer they smile at one another the easier it becomes. She'll be fine.
"What do you want first?" He asks suddenly.
"Huh?"
"What do you want first when we have kids? A boy or a girl?"
She thinks it over. "I don't care as long as they're healthy." And I get to watch them grow up.
He nods. "Same."
"Why are you asking me this?"
"Because when they put you under, I want you thinking of our future kids." He says bluntly but softly.
Her smile grows and her eyes sting. "Your looks and my brains?"
"God no." He chuckles. "Your looks and brains and my health."
She shakes her head. "They have to look at least somewhat like you."
Finn shrugs. "I don't actually care. Like you said, as long as they're healthy I'll be happy."
They talk for a few more minutes, painting a wonderful picture of their potential future. A nurse taps Finn on the shoulder, shows him the time, then steps away. He takes a deep breath before turning back to Rachel.
"I love you."
"I love you."
She keeps her hand pressed to the divider where his is until they wheel her away.
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You could hear a pin drop in their private waiting room. The wait is fairly short, comparatively speaking, but still nerve-wracking for the family. They expect Oliver to be fine. While they also expect Rachel to be fine during the transplant itself, Finn and his parents and brothers are the only ones who know the odds of that not happening. Dr. McCann made it clear that he would never do the transplant if he didn't think she'd survive the process. However, he wouldn't be doing his job if he didn't at least warn them that she could possibly die during it. It's the only reason why they let Finn stay with her the night before she was put in the clean room. About two hours after the procedure began, Dr. McCann comes out. Everyone gets to their feet and form a half circle around him. The doctor gets Finn permission before telling everyone how it went.
"All is good so far." They visibly relax at that. "They're both sleeping off the anesthesia at the moment. We expect Oliver to wake in the next two hours. He's doing well. As for Rachel, she's doing well, but we assume she'll sleep a little longer than him."
"How soon before we know if it worked?" Shelby asks.
"Only time will tell. It could be hours, days, weeks, or months."
They understand but it's still disheartening news. They want to know right away that it's working.
"All is looking good at the moment. There were no issues for either of them during the transplant. It went smoothly. I'll let you all know when Oliver wakes up."
"Thank you, doctor."
The family settles in for a long wait, feeling both worried and hopeful at the same time. Only time will tell how this goes. And time hasn't exactly been kind for her. Finn assumes they'll sit quietly for a while, so he's startled when Blaine stands and addresses them.
"Um, I'm sorry for this." He says with an somewhat embarrassed smile.
"What's going on?" Kurt asks his husband.
"Uh, you know that Rachel is an absolute drama queen."
Shelby closes her eyes with a loud groan, looking both fearful and curious. "Oh, God. What did she do?"
"She made a request. That I play this song after the transplant."
Everyone starts chuckling. "Of course she did."
"She wanted it to be played whether she survived or not."
Santana leans forward but is still holding Brittany's hand. "Wait, she thought she wouldn't survive the transplant itself?"
Finn shrugs and all eyes swing to him. "It was always a slight possibility. Not a big one, but the doctor warned us that if her body was too weak or rejected the donor marrow immediately, it could potentially kill her. The odds of that happening were slim, but they were there."
"And you didn't make this clear to us because—"
"She didn't want me to." Finn shrugs again. "She wanted all of us to focus on the fact that she's been doing better and will most likely be fine. She has a habit of defying the odds. She wanted us thinking of that, not the odds of her not even surviving the transplant."
"So, what song did she pick?" Sam asks.
Blaine looks at each of them. "Don't blame this on me. All I did was play the piano and record it while she sang. Not only did I not pick the song, I also tried to convince her to pick a more positive song."
"We get it, we know her. Now play it."
The family goes silent, wanting to hear Rachel sing. Her voice, even though a phone recording, fills the waiting room. Goosebumps rise up along Finn's arms on the very first line and he swallows down a sudden lump in his throat.
"To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go
To right the un-rightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star
This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far
To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march, march into hell
For that Heavenly cause
And I know if I only be true
To this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest
And the world would be better for this
That one man, scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable
The unreachable
The unreachable star
And I'll always dream the impossible dream
Yes, and I'll reach the unreachable star"
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