"Fredless"
Based on the Buffy the Vampire Slayer Episode "Life Serial" Written by David Fury and Jane Espenson and the Angel Episode "Fredless" Written by Mere Smith
The following story is copyright © 2025 by Mark Moore.
At night, Buffy opened the front door and walked into the foyer of the Summers' house, holding a paper bucket under her arm. She tossed her keys on the side table and closed and locked the door.
"Hello?" Buffy called.
"Buffy?" Amy asked.
Buffy turned in the direction of the dining room. "Oh. Yep, it's me, and I brought dinner." She walked into the dining room. "Deep-fried chicken parts. Hope you're..."
She saw Tara, Amy, Katrina, and Dawn sitting around the table. They were clearly just finishing a meal.
"...hungry." Buffy was disappointed. "You already ate."
"No!" Katrina was embarrassed as soon as she said it. "Well, uh, yes, obviously."
Dawn felt bad. "Uh, we didn't know when you'd be coming back."
Buffy shrugged. "It's okay. More for me."
Buffy put the bucket of chicken on the table and sat down next to Tara.
Tara smiled. "I don't know about everybody else, but...I would love some chicken."
Amy smiled. "Me, too."
Katrina smiled. "Same."
Dawn smiled. "I'll take a drumstick."
Buffy smiled. "Cool. I'm a breast girl, myself." She looked at Tara. "But, then again, you knew that."
Buffy and Tara exchanged a smile. They passed the bucket of chicken around the table.
The next day, at UC Sunnydale, Buffy and Sandy entered a classroom.
Buffy smiled. "This is gonna be great. I'm glad that this 'audit' thing is a thing. I can try before I buy."
Instead of desks, the classroom had long tables set up in a rectangle. They walked around the perimeter to find empty seats.
Sandy nodded. "There's the teacher, Mike."
The teacher was dressed casually and writing on the blackboard.
"You'll like Mike." Sandy sat.
"You call your teacher Mike? Boy, school sure has changed since my day." Buffy sat next to Sandy.
Mike turned from the blackboard. "Social Construction of Reality. Who can tell me what that is?"
Many students raised their hands, including Sandy.
"Rachel."
"A concept involving a couple of opposing theories, one stressing the externality and independence of social reality from individuals."
Buffy was confused.
"And the flipside?"
Many students raised their hands.
"Steve?"
"That each individual participates fully in the construction of his or her own life."
"Good, and who can expand on that?"
Many students raised their hands.
"Chuck?"
"Well, those on the latter side of the theoretical divide stress..."
Buffy leaned toward Sandy. "Sandy, I'm not following this too well."
"Oh. The trick is to get in the rhythm, kinda go with the flow." Sandy raised her hand.
"Flow-going would be a lot easier, if your classmates weren't such big brains."
"Buffy, that's ridiculous! They are no smarter than you or me."
"Sandy."
Sandy lowered her hand. "Because social phenomena don't have unproblematic objective existences. They have to be interpreted and given meanings by those that encounter them."
Buffy stared at Sandy.
"Nicely put. So, Ruby, does that mean there are countless realities?" Mike asked.
Sandy noticed Buffy's look. "What?"
After class, Buffy and Sandy walked through the hallways.
"You're not dumb."
Buffy frowned. "Maybe I should check out some non-taxing classes, like Introduction to Pies or maybe Advanced Walking."
Tara hurried up to join them. "Hey! How'd it go?"
Sandy smiled. "She did fine! Sociology, not a big fave."
"She didn't like Mike?" Tara asked.
Buffy shrugged. "No, look, it's fine. I just need to spend a little more time browsing."
A guy bumped Buffy as he walked past them. Buffy almost fell over, but Sandy and Tara caught her.
"Hey! You could at least say sorry, asshole!" Sandy yelled after the guy.
Tara felt irritated. "Everybody's in a hurry."
The three girls exchanged an annoyed look and continued walking.
Buffy and Tara walked through a hallway together.
"My Art Appreciation class doesn't start for another twenty minutes, so we've got some time to kill. Um, here." Tara took a large Renaissance book from her bag and gave it to Buffy. "You'll like it; it's very mellow."
Buffy opened the book and looked at a picture of a painting.
"Oh, hey." Tara found a tiny metal device attached to Buffy's sweater, removed it, held it in the palm of her hand, and stared at it in confusion. "What's this?"
The device disintegrated in her hand.
Buffy looked up. "What's what?"
"A little metal thing. It was on your sweater. It just...disintegrated in my hand."
Buffy frowned.
After Art Appreciation class, Buffy went to the Magic Box. Buffy and Jenny walked through the upper area of the store together. Buffy wore a name tag. It read "Hello! My name is", then a white space with "BUFFY" written in it, and then "Ask me about curses!"
Buffy smiled. "This is gonna be great. Thanks for giving me some hours, Jenny."
Jenny smiled. "Uh-huh. Anytime."
They descended the stairs and headed toward the counter.
"Let's review." Jenny opened a three-ring binder. "Um, you record returns here. Um, these are the slips for special orders; you ship them wherever the customer wants. And, uh, these are the hold slips. Fill out two hold slips for each item. Oh, and, uh, be sure to remove the items from the shelf."
A woman opened the door, making the bell above it jingle. Buffy turned to look as the customer entered. The woman closed the door behind her and walked into the store.
Jenny leaned in close to Buffy's ear. "While Rupert was running the store, he found it useful to imagine himself back in the library. Um, you know, if you concentrate on service and - and not on making a sale, you're more likely to have a satisfied customer."
"Guess I'll have to find my own style." Buffy began walking toward the woman.
As she climbed the stairs, a male customer stopped her. He was looking at a display of scented candles.
"Miss? Which candle creates a more, you know, romantic atmosphere?"
Buffy picked up a candle, sniffed it, and looked at the sticker on the bottom. "Hmm. 'Lemon Seduction'. I'll pick that up after work for me and Tara." She put it down, picked up another, and sniffed it. She made a face. "Ew!" She looked at the sticker. "'Essence of Slug'." She put it down, picked up another of the Lemon Seduction candles, and handed it to the customer. "Here you go."
He smiled. "Thank you."
Buffy smiled, turned away, and walked over to the woman. "May I help you?"
"I need something for a prosperity spell. I heard you have it. The mummy hand?" she asked conspiratorially.
"Uh, yeah, actually, I saw one downstairs. It's kinda hairy, though. Maybe it was a daddy hand." Buffy smiled.
The customer didn't get the joke.
"I'll just get it." Buffy turned and walked to the door leading to the basement.
She opened it and walked downstairs.
Buffy walked around, looking for the mummy hand. She examined the jars lining the shelves. "'Petrified hamster'. Uch! 'Eyeballs and honey'. 'Dagger of Lex'." She turned and saw the mummy hand sitting atop a wooden crate. "Hmm. Ancient mummy hand."
She reached out to pick it up but stopped when the mummy hand sprung to life. It leaped at her and grabbed her by the throat. Buffy grabbed it by the throat and wrestled with it for a moment, finally pulled it off her, and tossed it back onto the crate. She turned and ran upstairs. She slammed the door shut.
Buffy walked over to the customer. "I know we promised you a mummy hand; it's just...I-I can't get it for you. Um...there's something wrong with it. It's defective."
"Defective? Are you sure? I..." The woman paused. "There must be something you can do."
"But there's no way to get..." Buffy suddenly stopped as she realized the solution to the problem. A slow smile came over her face. "...to get that hand. But I can special-order one. We can deliver it anywhere you want."
The customer smiled happily. "Really?"
A short while later, Buffy was standing at the cash register with the customer on the other side of the counter. The cash register rang as Buffy closed the sale.
Buffy smiled and handed the woman her receipt. "Thank you for shopping at the Magic Box."
The woman handed Buffy the special-order slip and left. Buffy finished up the paperwork.
Jenny walked toward her, smiling. "Buffy, your first sale! Congratulations."
Buffy smiled.
Jenny took the invoice and examined it. "You didn't charge for delivery."
Buffy frowned, worried. "I didn't?"
"Well, your first day, you know, these things happen. Don't worry about it."
In Lecanto, Florida, Eve walked out of Lecanto High School at the end of the school day and headed to the bus parking lot.
"Eve."
Eve turned at the sound of her mother's voice and saw her standing behind her - alongside Maxine.
"Hey." Eve was confused. "What are you two doing here?"
Amanda stared into her daughter's eyes. "Sweetie, please come with us. We'll take you home."
Eve felt uneasy. "What's going on?"
"Please just come with us. We've got something to tell you."
Eve frowned. "Oh, God. Are you two moving in together?"
"No." Amanda paused. "Well...maybe that'd be a good idea, actually." She looked at Maxine.
Maxine shrugged.
Amanda looked at her daughter. "C'mon, sweetie, quickly."
They walked to Amanda's car. Amanda unlocked the doors, and they opened them and got inside. Eve sat next to her mother, and Maxine sat in the back seat. Eve put her bookbag on the floor, between her feet. They closed and locked their doors and fastened their seatbelts.
Once they were driving, Amanda looked in the rearview mirror at Maxine. "You wanna tell her?"
"Eve, I want you to listen to me. You're in grave danger."
"Why?" Eve asked, surprised.
"Okay, I was going to ease into telling you this, but recent incidents have forced me to expedite the process. There are vampires and all sorts of other demons in the world. They are real. In each generation, there is a chosen girl that fights them - the Vampire Slayer. You are a Potential Slayer. If the current Slayer dies, there's a possibility that you will be activated."
Eve felt like laughing. "Bullshit!"
"Eve!" Amanda admonished.
"I am a Watcher, part of an organization that finds and trains Potential Slayers. I was assigned to you. Recently, someone or something has started targeting and killing Potentials. Over two-dozen have been killed so far. It's imperative that we begin your training immediately. All of the attacks have occurred at night, so you are not to go anywhere by yourself at night."
Eve stared at Maxine's reflection in the mirror. "You're serious."
"Quite."
Eve didn't know what else to say.
That evening, Buffy rang the doorbell at the mansion. Soon, the door opened. Sunday was standing there.
"Yeah?" Sunday asked.
Buffy raised a brown paper bag. "Wanna hang out?"
Sunday smiled. "Fuck yeah." She stepped aside.
Buffy walked into the mansion. Sunday closed and locked the door.
"All of your friends busy?" Sunday asked.
"What?" Buffy asked. "You're my friend, too."
"Really?" Sunday asked.
"Sure. And I was just curious how you were doing."
They walked over to the fireplace.
"Well...thanks." Sunday got a blanket from a nearby chair and laid it on the floor, in front of the fireplace.
Buffy sat down on the blanket and waited while Sunday got two plates from the kitchen. Sunday also brought a bottle of whisky and two shot glasses. She sat down opposite Buffy on the blanket.
Buffy opened the bag and poured an equal amount of spicy buffalo wings onto each plate. They started eating the wings.
Buffy smiled. "I like what you've done with the place."
Sunday smiled. "I do have quite the talent for interior decorating."
"What's that?" Buffy asked, looking at the bottle.
"Cinnamon-flavored whisky. Wanna try it?" Sunday offered.
Buffy nodded. "I'm down."
Sunday opened the bottle and poured the whisky into the glasses.
Buffy smiled. "This is gonna be great." She held up the shot glass full of liquor and sniffed the whisky. "Hmmm." She poured the shot down her throat, swallowed it, and made a horrible face. "Blaaah!" She shook her head.
Sunday lifted her own shot glass to her mouth and slammed the whisky down.
"Sunday, I've been meaning to ask you something." Buffy picked up another wing and started eating it. "Sandy mentioned you, um, well, offer your services to humans."
"You mean biting them?" Sunday asked, biting on a wing.
"Uh...yeah...for money."
"Yeah. Satisfies a kink that some humans have. Pays the bills and keeps me fed. It's fun, too."
"Are you careful?" Buffy asked.
"I can't catch anything."
"You know what I mean."
"Yeah."
"Good." Buffy picked up the whisky bottle and opened it. She began refilling the two glasses.
"Huh. I'm kinda surprised."
Buffy closed the bottle and set it down. "Why?" She drank the shot and made the face. "Blaaah!" She shook her head.
"I thought you might be pissed off or something. Burn the place down."
"I'm not closed-minded." Buffy noticed her words were slurred. "It's not my kind of fun, but others can have theirs."
Sunday smiled and drank her shot. She opened the bottle and refilled the glasses. They both emptied their glasses again.
Buffy again made her alcohol face. "Blaaah!" She shook her head.
Sunday watched this with a smile. "Aren't you curious?"
Buffy burped. "'Bout what?"
"About what it's like to be fed off."
Buffy paused, trying to collect her thoughts. "No."
"Why not?"
Buffy grabbed the bottle, opened it, and drank straight from the bottle. She made her alcohol face. "Blaaah!" She shook her head. "Because I've been bitten once before. Not a fun experience."
Kate was looking past the naked sword blade to Harmony, who was holding it.
"Hang on, that's..." Kate checked her notes. "...a Prothgarian broadsword?"
Harmony turned the sword in her hands to give it a second look. "Hmm. Let's see. Long, metal, pointy. Yup."
"Harmony! The purpose of an inventory-"
"Yeah, give us that purpose-of-an-inventory speech...again." Faith rolled her eyes.
Kate looked at her. "This wasn't my idea."
"No. Cordy says Angel...keeps complaining the weapons cabinet is all different." Harmony sighed. "But this is so fucking boring!"
"What time is it?" Fred asked.
Kate held up her wrist to Harmony.
Harmony read her watch. "6:24, exactly three minutes from the last time you asked."
Fred fumbled around with a strange contraption. "When will they be back?"
Harmony frowned. "They'll be back when they're back."
"But you said he loves her, and she loves him. Why wouldn't it work?" Fred asked.
"Let me break it down for you, Fred." Harmony stepped away from the reception counter and pretended to be Cordelia. "Oh...Angel! I know that I'm a human, and you're a vampire, and it would be impossible for us to be together, but!"
Kate laughed at Harmony's act.
Faith stood up. "But!"
Harmony turned to look at her.
"My gypsy curse sometimes prevent me from seeing the truth. Oh, Cordy!" Faith exclaimed.
"Yes, Angel?" Harmony asked.
"Oh, I love you so much I almost forgot to brood!" Faith exclaimed.
Fred watched, wide-eyed. Kate was laughing.
"And just because I sent you to Hell that one time doesn't mean we can't just be friends."
Faith grabbed a hold of Harmony's wrist.
"Oh!" Harmony exclaimed.
"Or possibly more."
Harmony gasped. "Gasp! No! We mustn't."
Faith pulled Harmony close. "Kiss me."
"Bite me!" Harmony exclaimed.
Faith bent Harmony back over her arm and pretended to sink her fangs into her neck.
"How about you both bite me?" Angel asked.
Fred jumped up. "You're back!"
Harmony and Faith saw Cordelia and Angel watching them and quickly scurried apart.
"How'd the date go?" Kate asked.
Angel shrugged. "I think those two pretty much summed it up."
Cordelia playfully elbowed him and tugged her miniskirt back in place. "It went fine."
"Details!" Harmony begged. "The curiosity is gonna kill me!"
Angel looked down. "Oh, no. Wouldn't want that."
Fred smiled. "Personally, I don't care at all what happened."
Faith walked past Fred. "Shut up, Fred."
Kate suddenly wanted out of there. "Actually, you know what I need right now? Ice cream." She looked at Fred. "You wanna get some ice cream?"
Fred gave her a big grin. "I like ice cream!"
She walked over to Kate, and they left the hotel together.
Kate and Fred were walking along a dimly-lit sewer tunnel.
Fred was holding a big ice cream cone. "This has been the best night ever! First, there's you taking me to ice cream, then there is the ice cream, then that monster jumps out of the freezer, and you're all brave and 'Fred, watch out!', and then we get to chase it down into the sewers, which are just so bleak and oppressive and...homey."
Kate smiled. "I'm glad you're having fun."
"You think maybe the monster just wanted a sugar cone?" Fred asked.
"I doubt it. Durslar beasts don't usually come above ground like that. They tend to stick to the sewers."
"Lucky stiffs. They get to lead lives of mysterious sewage while I'm just plain ol', boring ol' Fred."
"Boring? That's not a word I'd use for you."
"Fine. Nutty-ol'-goonie-bird-up-in-her-room-doin'-nothin' Fred. I swear I don't know how you all put up with me. I practically need flashcards to understand my pretty crystals." Fred looked past Kate. "Oh, look. They're everywhere."
A dull roaring sounded.
Fred jumped back. "It wasn't me."
"Oh, no, no, no. We must be near the Durslar's lair. Why don't you head back on to the hotel? I can take it from here."
"But shouldn't we call Faith first and maybe, you know, the army?" Fred suggested.
"Nah. Durslar beasts are pretty Faulknerian. Lotta sound, no fury. Think you can find your way back okay?" Kate asked.
"I think so. 128 meters back, eastward fork, 207 meters to the southward fork, hang a right, 12 meters in..." Fred paused. "I'm just being a big nerd again, aren't I?"
Kate nodded.
"I'm gonna go now." Fred headed down the tunnel.
Kate turned to walk towards the Durslar's lair.
Fred turned back around. "A-Are you sure you're gonna be okay? Because I can stay with you. I really don't mind."
"I'll be fine."
"You don't need me. Okay. Bye!" Fred went around the corner, then stuck her head out to look back around it. "Are you sure?"
Kate gave a little laugh. "I'm fine!"
"Okay. Bye, then!" Fred left.
Kate watched her go, a big smile on her face.
Back at the Hyperion, Faith, Cordelia, and Harmony were still busy with the weapons inventory.
Harmony read from a list. "Three-pronged Scythian death spear, category six. Weapons cabinet, third shelf."
Cordelia took the tagged spear and put it in the weapons cabinet.
Faith chuckled at a memory. "You know, I once used that very spear to pin down what I thought was a small Rodentius demon; of course, the poodle's owners weren't very happy."
Harmony looked at Cordelia. "Would you hurry up and get a vision already?"
Cordelia straightened up and backed away from the weapons cabinet. "Harm, as much as I would love to endure another soul-splittingly agonizing psychic invasion for your benef-ow! Ow! Ow!"
Faith and Harmony hurried over to where Cordelia was hunching over in pain.
"Yes! Yes!" Harmony cheered.
"No! Ow, Fred! Ouch. I really wish she wouldn't leave her toys lying around!" Cordelia walked over to sit on the round settee, rubbing her shin after having bumped into Fred's contraption.
"Ooh! Pretty wicked-looking toy!" Harmony admired.
Faith studied it. "I'll say. It almost looks like a spring-loaded decapitation device."
Cordelia shrugged. "Or it makes toast. With her, you never know."
"Uh. Excuse me! Uh, is this Angel Investigations?" a man asked.
The gang looked up to see a middle-aged couple standing on the landing, just inside the front doors.
"Yes. Can we help you?" Cordelia asked.
"I sure hope so. I'm Roger, and this is my wife, Trish. Uh, we're sorry to barge in on your...arsenal here, but...we really need to talk to you."
"Of course." Cordelia gestured toward Angel's office. "Angel!"
Craning his neck to get another look at the arsenal of weapons on display, Roger ushered his wife down the stairs.
They all entered Angel's office.
"I'm Cordelia Chase. These are my colleagues, Faith Lehane and Harmony Kendall."
The couple shook hands with everyone.
"What can we do for you?" Cordelia asked.
The couple sat down in the chairs in front of Angel's desk as Cordelia settled in Angel's chair as well.
Trish looked at Cordelia. "It's our daughter. She's missing."
"Oh, no. Kidnapped by evil fiends?" Cordelia asked her.
"We're not sure."
Cordelia made notes. "I see. Was your daughter involved in any kind of demon worship?"
"Of course not!" Roger replied.
Faith thought for a moment. "Could be a vampire. Hard luck tracking one of those in a city this big, but don't worry. We're detectives. We can find anyone."
Roger shook his head. "We already hired a detective."
Cordelia knew the outcome. "And he couldn't locate her."
"He said she was staying here - in your hotel."
Trish nodded. "Her name is Winifred Burkle. We call her Fred."
Cordelia looked at Faith and Harmony.
Harmony tried to suppress a smile. "Awkward."
Fred was walking up into the lobby through the basement door, still licking her ice cream cone. She heard voices and glanced at the open door to Angel's office. She saw Roger and Trish and ran up the stairs to her room.
"Fred's your daughter?" Faith asked.
"Yes. You know her?" Trish asked.
"Is she here? Is she all right?" Roger asked.
Cordelia nodded. "She's fine and...out at the moment...with one of our associates. Who is not an evil fiend...or a vampire...because they don't exist. In...case you aren't familiar with our L.A. detective slang."
"But what happened to her? It's been five years; has she been with y'all this whole time?" Roger asked her.
"No. Uh, we've known Fred for only a few months, really. You see, we found her in...a fit of depression."
"Fred was depressed?" Trish asked.
Cordelia nodded.
"Over what?"
"She had recently relocated and was...having trouble adjusting. So how did you come to find her again?" Cordelia asked her.
"Oh, about a month ago, we got a letter from her in the mail."
"But she didn't leave her return address. In fact, she said she was fine, and we shouldn't bother looking for her, but-"
"Five years of not knowing whether your daughter's alive or..." Trish paused. "Well, how could we just let it go?"
"So we hired the private eye."
"And he tracked her down through an unaddressed envelope?" Faith asked. "We could do that."
"This is so cool, Kate! Thanks! Wait 'til you guys hear what happened at Häagen-Dazs! Ordinarily, these things don't put up much of a fight, but this one? Hoo! I think I'm gonna have it-" Angel walked into the office, carrying the Durslar's severed head. He saw Fred's parents. "-mounted. Hello."
Kate squeezed past Angel and walked into the office.
"Angel. Kate. You brought...a prop! From your movie!" Cordelia looked at Fred's parents. "These are Angel and Kate. They...make...monster movies. Guys, these are Fred's very normal parents."
Angel put the head behind his back. "Ah. Fred has parents." He smiled. "Well, it sure is...nice to meet you both."
Roger pointed. "Uh. Son, you-your prop is dripping."
Angel looked down at the green blood dripping from the severed demon neck and laughed. "Oh, yeah."
He swung the demon head up by the hair, causing Roger and Trish to duck back.
"This...fake. You know, a little glue, papier-mâché..." Angel tossed the head back behind himself without looking, into the lobby.
They heard a big crash of glass as it landed.
"...possibly some lead. So...Fred's parents; we've heard so...much..." Angel paused. "Well, um, sure is nice to meet you folks."
"No address anywhere on the envelope?" Faith asked.
Roger shook his head. "No. None." He looked at Angel. "Do you know when Fred will be back?"
Angel looked towards Cordelia, who gave Kate a pointed look in return.
"Oh, me. Well, yeah, uh, I sent her right back here, right before I...picked up that...prop. So I'm sure she's...up in her room...right now."
Trish and Roger smiled at each other.
Fred's parents and the gang surveyed Fred's room, which was remarkably clean and organized.
"Fred?" Trish asked.
Roger looked at her. "She's not here."
Kate picked up the crumpled ice cream cone wrapper from the floor. "No. But she was."
Trish looked at the walls. "This...it's her writing. But what does this mean? It's just crazy."
"Guys...when was the last time that Fred ever left the hotel by herself?" Cordelia whispered to her friends.
Faith frowned. "A couple of weeks after never."
Roger looked at them. "We want our daughter."
"So what is she running from?" Kate asked.
The five of them turned to look at Fred's parents, standing across the room from them.
The gang was alone in Angel's office.
Cordelia frowned. "There's just something...off about them. I can't put my finger on what."
Harmony frowned. "Fred must have returned while we were in here, seen her parents, and-"
"Took off." Angel frowned. "That's not a good sign."
"They said she sent them a letter. Can you picture Fred sneaking off to send a letter?" Faith asked.
"Pfft!" Cordelia pffted. "Sneaking off, right. Fred can barely tie her shoes."
Kate thought for a moment. "This could be a ruse to trick us into letting them get close to her. Making it seem as though she'd initiated contact."
Angel looked at her. "On the other hand, if the letter is real, and she told them not to look for her, there's got to be a reason for that."
Cordelia thought for a moment. "Fred never talks about her family."
"So where do we start?" Angel asked.
Angel looked from one to another, but they all stayed silent.
"Where would Fred go?" Angel asked.
Harmony thought for a moment. "We could hit all the local taco stands."
Everyone looked at her.
"Joke!" Harmony insisted, then shrugged. "Kind of."
"Come on, guys, think! What do we know about Fred?" Angel asked.
Harmony thought for a moment. "Well, I knew about the tacos."
Kate looked at Angel. "She seemed pretty comfortable in the sewers. They're dark, cave-like. She felt safe there."
"All right. I'll head back down there, see if I can find her."
Kate thought for a moment. "She worked at the public library. There may be colleagues there she trusted."
Cordelia was peeking out into the lobby at the Burkles, sitting on the settee, talking quietly to each other.
"What about them? We can't just leave them there! What if Fred comes back?" Cordelia asked.
The Burkles looked up, catching sight of Cordelia watching them.
Cordelia quickly pulled her head back out of sight. "Oh!"
The gang followed Angel out of the office, into the lobby.
"Mr. and Mrs. Burkle, we're gonna try a few places we think Fred may have gone. Would you like to come along?" Angel offered.
"Uh, all seven of us? Wouldn't it make more sense to split up, cover more territory?" Roger asked.
Kate hesitated. "Maybe."
Angel looked at the Burkles. "Well, I'm gonna check out some of my, uh, industry contacts. So it'll just be the six of you."
"Industry contacts? Why would..." Trish paused. "Fred's not...'making movies', is she?"
"Movies? Oh, you mean..." Angel shook his head. "No! No, no, of course not. It's just some of these contacts, they - they know things sometimes. They're, uh, underground."
"Right. Uh...shall we go?" Kate asked.
The Burkles followed Kate, Cordelia, Faith, and Harmony out the door.
Soon, they were at the Los Angeles Public Library. Kate, Faith, and Harmony went to search the other floors, leaving Cordelia alone with the Burkles.
"Does Fred come to the library often?" Trish asked.
Cordelia looked at her. "Uh, well, this was the first place that I ever saw her."
"She used to love our little community library back home in Texas. Every afternoon, I'd pick her up there after my rounds."
Cordelia smiled. "Oh, a doctor! No wonder Fred's so smart!"
"I drive a school bus."
"Oh. Well, I-I've actually never...ridden in one of those, but I hear they're very nice."
"What exactly does Fred do for you people?" Roger asked. "It strikes me a little odd, a physicist working for a detective agency."
Cordelia frowned. "Uh, well, Fred's, uh...gone through some changes."
"And whose fault is that?" Roger asked.
Cordelia was still thinking when Kate, Faith, and Harmony walked in.
Kate shook her head. "We've swept all of the floors. Nothing."
"Oh!" Trish exclaimed.
"So. What's next?" Roger asked.
Kate paused. "Give me one second to confer with my colleagues."
Cordelia walked over to her coworkers.
Harmony rolled her eyes. "I could have told you she wasn't going to be at the library."
"Then if you know so much about her, Harm, why don't you just tell us where she is?" Kate asked.
Harmony smiled. "Bet that taco stand's not looking so bad now, is it?"
"Hey!" Cordelia yelled. "A little focus, please. There is definitely something going on with them."
They looked over at the Burkles talking quietly to each other.
"So where do we go next? Where would Fred go for help? For guidance?" Kate asked.
"Me." Cordelia frowned. "Only she didn't."
"How do we know she's not trying to skip town?" Faith asked.
Trish leaned against a bookcase. "Some detectives! You have no idea where our daughter is, do you?"
They stayed quiet.
Roger frowned. "Maybe they do. Maybe they just don't want us to find her."
Cordelia sighed dramatically and took out her cell phone to call Angel.
Buffy walked out of the mansion. She staggered drunkenly over to her van.
Sunday followed her outside. "Hey, maybe wait a while longer."
She nearly bumped into Buffy, who had stopped and was standing on the street, arms crossed, staring at a black van parked by the sidewalk. Sunday sighed and rolled her eyes.
Buffy stared. "That van. I've seen it before. At the college. And the Magic Box."
Buffy approached the van, frowning. Sunday stayed where she was, several yards back.
Suddenly, a large demon came around the van and growled at Buffy. He had red skin, curved horns, and wings and wore only a loincloth. "Rrrah! You have discovered me!" He put his hands on his hips. "But do not try to defeat me, for I have been testing you, and I know your weaknesses. Ha, ha, ha!"
The demon suddenly looked over in dismay as the van started up and began to drive off. Buffy went over to the demon and tried to punch it, but, being drunk, she missed the first time. She kicked out and got the demon square in the balls.
"Ooh! Oh!" The demon doubled over in pain.
Buffy fell backward onto her ass. Sunday ran over and helped Buffy up.
Buffy looked at her. "Thanks."
"I am well struck! I call on the misty portal to my demon dimension, where I will lay my head and gently die." The demon threw something on the ground, which caused a shower of sparks and a cloud of smoke. Then he turned and ran away.
Buffy and Sunday coughed and waved the smoke away.
"He blew up. Did you see that?" Buffy asked.
Sunday looked around in confusion. "Yeah, I saw. He's gone."
Buffy shrugged. "Gotta love it, you know."
Sunday looked at her with a smile.
"It makes you feel all powerful." Buffy was suddenly uncertain. "Strong." She felt a little ill. "Kinda sick." She bent over and vomited on the street.
Fred was clutching a ticket in her hands as she was sitting on a bench next to an elderly, homeless man in the bus terminal. "I can do this. Sure, I can. I can just get right up on that bus and be a whole new person - like origami...or plastic. Move someplace I've never been with no money, no friends, no job. Easy as pie. 3.14159265..."
The homeless guy got up and moved away.
"Oh, hey, I was just calculating pi...to relax. I'm not dangerous. I could go to Vegas. Learn to play blackjack. Memorize four-hundred-fifty-two consecutive digits of pi, a few hundred measly cards are easy. Nine, ten, Jack." Fred looked over and saw her parents talking to one of the clerks. "Queen, King. No!"
Trish turned and saw Fred getting up from the bench. "Fred?"
"No, you're not here! Go away!" Fred yelled.
"Fred, honey, it's us!" Trish yelled, running toward her.
Fred shook her head. "No. You're not them. You can't be them, because they don't know."
Roger approached her. "Sweetie, it's Mom and Dad."
"Shh! Stop saying that. You can't be!"
"Honey, don't you remember us?" Trish asked.
"I was - I was five years and so lost, and - and, at night, I would...I was all by myself, and you weren't there!" Fred started to cry.
Roger shook his head. "Fred, I don't understand."
"I got lost. I got lost, and they did terrible things to me, but - but it was just a storybook. It was just a story with monsters, not real." Fred kept shaking her head. "Not in the world, but - but, if you're here, and you see me, then - then it's real! And it did happen. If you see what they made of me...I...I didn't mean to get so lost!"
Trish, also crying, took Fred's face into her hands. "Oh, honey, it doesn't matter what they did to you." She embraced her daughter.
"Mommy."
"Oh, we're gonna make it all right."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I got so lost."
Roger shook his head. "It don't matter. You're our little girl."
"I missed you so much. I didn't mean to-"
"Shh..." Trish stroked Fred's hair.
Cordelia, Kate, Angel, Faith, and Harmony stood at a distance, watching.
Roger nodded. "Everything's okay now. You'll see. You're safe now."
Suddenly, a big insect dropped, screeching, from the ceiling.
"Whoa! Tell me that's something from the movies!" Roger yelled.
Cordelia shook her head. "No. That's something that's gonna fucking kill us."
Angel frowned. "Everybody outside."
Kate looked at him. "Angel-"
"Get them out of here. I can handle this. Move!" Angel ordered.
"Let's go!" Kate yelled.
Angel ducked a stab of the creature's front legs.
The gang and the Burkles ran out the doors of the terminal.
"What the hell is that?" Roger asked.
"All of our weapons are back at the hotel!" Cordelia yelled.
Faith looked at her. "Angel said he could handle-"
Angel came flying through the closed doors, smashing them, coming to rest across the street, at Faith's feet.
"-it." Faith stared down at him.
The bug followed Angel through the door. Angel turned to look up at it, baring his fangs.
"Maybe there's something in the trunk." Faith ran to the car.
The others followed.
"What happened to his teeth?" Roger asked Cordelia.
"Angel's a vampire. He has a soul, but it's a long story. I'll tell you about it, if we don't end up dying."
Kate saw a pile of luggage and changed direction. "Cordy! Here."
The bug was still stabbing and slicing at Angel with its pincers. Angel managed to duck most of them before getting swiped off his feet.
"Hey! Bug boy!" Faith had found a compound sports bow and loosened an arrow.
The bug shrieked and went for the downed Angel again, only to have Cordelia, Harmony, and Kate attacking it with golf clubs. Faith grabbed a club of her own and joined the fray. The bug managed to knock the club out of Harmony's hands, and it slid across the ground to come to rest in front of Fred.
Angel was back up and slugging as well. The bug managed to send him flying against the wheel of one of the parked buses. As Angel got back up, the bug stabbed him in each shoulder with its pincers, pinning him up against the bus.
Fred hit on the bug from behind with the golf club, and it let go of Angel to turn on Fred.
"Fred, get out of the-" Angel pushed Fred out of the way.
But the bug still scored on Fred's arm - before getting hit over the head hard with a metal cylinder by Roger.
"That's my daughter, you damn cockroach!" Roger yelled.
Angel jumped on the bug's back, pinning its forelegs against its body, immobilizing them.
Roger helped Fred up. "Here, baby. Come on, come on." Roger led Fred over to the side.
The bug broke Angel's grip and shook him off, then turned around and sent him flying through the air to impact with the side of a parked bus. The bug went after Angel - only to get splatted by a bus barreling by. The bus stopped, and Trish got out.
"Did I get it? Did I get it, y'all?" Trish asked.
They were all back in the lobby of the Hyperion. Cordelia was doctoring the scratch on Fred's arm.
"I almost hate to ask, but...you do a lot of bandaging in your line of work?" Trish asked Cordelia.
"Mmm. Occupational hazard. I mean, sure, there is the occasional demon that tries to kill us with pillows, but, sadly, those cases are few and far between."
Roger was looking at the Durslar's head. "How about this guy? Was he a demon?"
Cordelia briefly looked at him. "I think Angel called it a Durslar beast."
Fred touched the crystals on the head with her finger.
Kate looked at Roger. "Fred and I tracked it down after it attacked us when we went out for ice cream."
"You mean you know how to track these things, Fred?" Roger asked.
"No. Mostly, I was just there for the ice cream."
Trish shuddered. "I wish Angel hadn't brought that thing out again. It gives me the willies."
Roger looked at her. "Oh, don't be silly, Trish. It's just a severed head."
Kate picked up the head to move it out of Trish's sight. She set the head down on the reception counter, beside Angel.
Angel and Kate watched the Burkles fuss over Fred.
"I got to say this is not how I pictured this turning out."
"They look happy, don't they?" Kate asked.
Cordelia smiled. "Voila! That's French for 'I think we stopped the bleeding.'"
Fred smiled. "Thanks, Cordelia." She stood up.
"Next up: multiple stab wounds. Angel!" Cordelia called.
Angel jumped off his stool and hurried over to the settee. "Uh, it's my turn. Oh, yay!"
Cordelia looked at Harmony. "What a dork."
Fred walked over to Kate.
"How does it feel, Fred?" Kate asked.
"Like my heart's been put in one of those orange juice squeezers..." Fred looked down at her arm. "Oh. Kind of like a giant bug tried to rip my arm off, and y'all saved me."
"Y'all seem to do that a lot, don'tcha?" Trish asked.
Fred smiled. "It's what they do. Angel's the champion, and Kate's the brains of the operation, Faith's the muscle, and Cordy's the heart, and Harmony's...there every step of the way, and I'm..." She paused, uncertain.
"And to think...we were wondering when to call the cops on a bunch of superheroes!" Roger revealed.
Angel smiled. "Oh, I'm not really a hero."
Faith smiled. "More like a bloodsucking fiend."
Angel gave her a look. Faith stuck out her tongue.
Roger smiled. "Frankly, Angel, I don't care if you drink pig's blood, cow's blood, or those froofy, little, imported beers. You saved my little girl."
"Well, I wouldn't've had to, if she hadn't gone all Amazonian and whacked that thing with a golf club."
"I wanna go home."
Everyone got really quiet and looked at Fred.
"I'm - I'm just not cut out for this. I mean, if Angel hadn't gotten me out of the way, you'd all be laughing in the morgue right now." Fred paused. "Okay, maybe not laughing, but...the point is...I think I should go home, where it's quiet and safe, and...monsters don't eat your family." She paused. "You're not...disappointed in me, are you?"
"Oh, Fred. Never! Oh, it's gonna be so good to have you home!" Trish exclaimed.
The Burkles shared a family hug.
Faith shrugged. "She'll probably be happier there."
Kate stared at Fred, upset. "Yeah. That's good."
Fred stood in her room, contemplating the writing on the wall. Angel arrived in the open doorway behind her and knocked to get her attention.
Fred looked. "Oh, Angel. Hi. I invite you in."
Angel walked in. "Thanks, but you only have to do that the first time. Once I'm invited-"
"I know. I just figured, since I'm going home now, I'm not gonna be inviting you in anywhere. Unless, of course, you come to Texas."
There was silence for a moment.
"So how you doing?" Angel asked.
"Oh, uh, fizzy. Kinda weird and...fizzy. But excited. And a little sad. Thankful. Sorta cautiously happy. Relieved and worried at the same time. Slightly nauseous while still bein'...hopeful?"
"And that about covers it." Angel looked at the walls. "Are you gonna remember everything that's up there?"
"Well, sure. It's a story."
They both looked at the walls.
"Once upon a time, there was a girl that lived all alone, so far from home that it made her chest hurt. And every day, the girl tried to figure out a way to escape. None of her plans ever succeeded, of course, and she'd almost given up hopin' - when one day, just like in a fairy tale, a beautiful woman arrived and saved her. Now, you'd think that was the end, wouldn'tcha? Dumb old fairy tales and their happily-ever-afters."
Fred sat down on the edge of her bed, and Angel sat down beside her.
"But, see, the minute that they got back home, the beautiful woman stopped noticing her."
"She hasn't. You should tell her how you feel."
Fred shook her head. "Oh, no, I couldn't. No use upsettin' her, since I'm leavin'."
Angel remained silent, and Fred looked down at her hands.
Roger was talking to Kate, Faith, and Harmony at the reception counter while Trish and Cordelia sat on the settee together.
"I mean Rog's always had a thing for those disgusting Alien movies with all the slime and teeth. He just can't get enough of 'em - except for that last one they made; I think he dozed off. I just can't believe it's all real."
Cordelia smiled. "It takes a little getting used to."
Trish smiled. "I'm so glad Fred's coming home. This place is too dangerous for her."
Roger and Faith carried Fred's contraption over to the settee.
"Hey, honey, would you look at this? Fred made this."
Faith smiled. "Cool, ain't it?"
Kate nodded. "We think it's some sort of mechanized weapon, possibly influenced by the medieval catapult, designed for serious to fatal wounding, if not complete decapitation."
Roger shrugged. "Or it makes toast."
Kate shrugged. "Or it makes toast."
Fred and Angel walked down the stairs.
"Hey! You got everything packed, baby? What about that shirt with the bug guts on it? You - You threw that out, right? You're not taking it home, right?" Trish asked.
"I don't know. I kinda thought I'd take it with me, guts and all. You know, as a souvenir."
Roger smiled. "Ah. That's my girl!"
Fred looked at the gang. "You know, in the shower, I had all these pretty things I was gonna say, and I was gonna be all fancy and...aw, hell." Fred glanced at her parents. "I mean heck."
Fred went and gave Faith a big hug. Faith held on to her tightly for a moment, then cleared her throat and let her go.
Fred walked over to Kate. They danced around awkwardly for a moment, trying to figure out whose arm would go where, before hugging as well. Kate inhaled the scent of Fred's shampoo and relished the warmth of her body. She felt empty when Fred pulled away.
Fred smiled. "Thank you...for everything."
Kate nodded.
Fred walked over to Harmony, who immediately hugged her, catching Fred by surprise. Fred hugged Harmony.
Fred went to hug Cordelia. "Thank you for giving me a place to stay."
Cordelia hugged Fred. "Between you and me, I'm almost a little jealous."
Fred walked over to Angel, and they looked at each other.
Angel silently handed her the suitcase that he carried down the steps for her. "Bye, Fred."
Fred gave him a smile and turned to her parents. "We better go before I get all runny."
The Burkles walked up the steps to the front doors. Fred turned around one last time and waved at them all before the doors closed behind them.
The Burkles were sitting together in the back of a taxi.
"Your room is exactly how you left it." Roger paused. "All except for the guy renting it out, but his lease is up in a month."
"You rented out my room?" Fred asked.
"Well, honey, after the fourth year..." Roger paused. "We didn't hear nothing from you!"
"Daddy, I was kidnapped into a demon-run dinner theater."
The taxi driver turned his head at that.
Trish looked at the driver. "Well, she was."
Fred unzipped her bag and took out the shirt that she wore during the bug fight. "I'm just gonna miss 'em, that's..."
She saw the bug juice was turned into the same pretty crystals that were on the walls down in the sewer and on the demon's head back at the Hyperion.
Fred looked up. "Turn the car around. Now!"
The gang was sprawled out in the chairs in Angel's office.
"In a really weird way, you know who I miss?" Cordelia asked.
Kate tried to keep her emotions in check. "Fred."
"Actually I was gonna say her parents. Is that wrong?"
"I don't think so. They were very...nice."
"Nice?" Cordelia asked. "They weren't just nice, Angel. They were-"
"Parents." Faith didn't care if the others heard the envy in her voice.
Kate smiled faintly. "They loved her. Supported her."
"At least, now, Fred's got a shot at a normal life. Not that I don't love you guys and L.A. and my work, but...things are just never normal around here. You know?" Cordelia asked.
Kate's smile broadened. "She was so smart."
"I'm gonna miss her. She was just this nice, quiet kind of crazy." Angel smiled. "I found that...soothing."
"And what? I'm not soothing?" Cordelia sat up. "I can be soothing. I could soothe your ass off, pal."
Harmony smiled. "Plus she was pretty handy with a 5-iron."
Cordelia looked at her. "Right before she almost got killed. Personally, I'm glad she's gone. It's gonna be a load off not having to worry about crazy taco lady anymore."
Angel looked at her. "She'll come back to visit."
"Do you really think she'll come back and visit?" Cordelia asked hopefully.
Kate also had sudden hope.
"Well, that's it. I'm not gonna sit around here and mope like you...bunch...of...mopers. I'm gonna go home." Cordelia put on her shoes. "Eat some comfort food." She got up and started to walk out. "Have a good cry. Crawl under my big, fluffy-" She entered the lobby and saw a bug entering the hotel. "-giant bug!"
Cordelia screamed and ran back into the office just as the others ran out.
"We hit that thing with a bus. You're telling me a bus won't kill it?" Faith asked.
"I don't think it's the same one." Angel was looking out into the garden court, which was crawling with giant bugs.
Cordelia was on the verge of tears. "We are so immensely dead."
Kate looked at the others. "Weapons."
Angel ran and rolled over the counter to engage the bug while the others ran for the weapons cabinet.
Weapons in hand, Kate turned only to see the bug throwing Angel to the floor. "Angel, we-"
The door opened, and Fred ran in. "Here! I'm here."
"Fred?" Kate asked.
"Oh, I'm late!" Fred cried.
Roger helped her to drag her contraption into position.
The bug was still stabbing at the downed Angel. Faith, Harmony, and Kate raised their weapons, trying to block its pincers.
"Who's helping me here?" Angel asked.
"I am!" Fred stomped down on her contraption.
A battle ax sailed through the air and split the Durslar head. Green goop spattered the wall, and a bunch of little cockroaches crawled free of it.
The bug left the gang, instead going to collect the bug-filled bottom part of the head.
The bug headed for the garden court. The little bugs followed after it.
Fred and her parents walked down the front steps.
Cordelia stared. "So. Not a toaster."
Kate looked at Fred. "Fred, how did you-"
"The crystals. The ones we saw in the sewer? They were on the Durslar head, too. And, at first, I thought they came from the Durslar, but then I saw this. Daddy?"
Roger handed her the crystal-covered shirt.
"Those crystals are just dried-up bug goop. It must have laid its eggs in the Durslar's head, which would explain the Durslar coming up out of the sewer, 'cause, I mean, wouldn't you be a little crazy, if you had eggs in your head? I know I would."
Cordelia opened her mouth, glanced at Kate, and closed it again.
"Anyway, that'd be all fine and Darwinian, except Kate killed the Durslar and brought the head back here, so the bug had to track her down to get its babies back."
Kate gave an embarrassed smile. "My bad."
Harmony looked at Fred. "And at the bus station, when Trish ran over the mother-"
"Or father. I think it might be a hive species, gender-neutral, but I'd have to do some research to back that up."
Kate looked at Fred. "The whole hive showed up in order to reclaim its offspring."
Fred nodded.
Kate grinned. "A, Fred!"
Faith smiled. "And that little ax gadget is fuckin' tight."
Fred laughed. "That was just a random thought I had. What if you had to do battle with your arms cut off? Sure, you'd hemorrhage to death pretty quick, but at least you could take your enemy with you!"
Angel smiled. "Nice going, Fred."
"Aw, it was nothing. Just a stunning revelation of my true path in life, that's all."
"Come again, honey?" Roger asked.
Fred walked over to her parents. "Look...I could go home with you and pretend the last five years didn't happen. I could even pretend to have a normal life. But the truth of it is...well...I'm not normal anymore."
Roger and Trish exchanged a look.
"I guess what I'm getting at is...I-I missed you both so bad. But...I belong here." Fred turned to the gang. "Un-Unless I don't. Which, if - if you all don't wanna put up with me, I completely understand-"
Kate swept Fred up in a big hug. "You're staying."
The gang smiled at each other, then turned to smile at Fred.
Fred looked at her parents. "Mamma. Daddy. This is my life now."
Trish gave her a faint smile. "We were kinda hoping you wouldn't figure that out."
Roger smiled. "Of course, we'd have to sick around for another couple of weeks."
Fred leaned against him. "Daddy!"
Roger laughed. "Days. You know, just to catch up and get reacquainted - and to make sure that you are positive about your decision."
Fred smiled. "Oh, I think I know where I'll end up."
Later, at the Summers' house, Tara stood in the hallway outside the bathroom, holding a glass of water. The bathroom door opened, and Buffy walked out slowly.
Tara gave her the glass. "Feel any better?"
"I think, at one point, I actually turned completely inside out." Buffy walked into her room. "But, yeah, better." She drank the water.
Tara followed her into the room. "I'm sorry that we didn't, uh, find this demon with our research."
Buffy sat on the floor, next to the bed. "Aw, it's okay. I-It wasn't much of a fight." She pulled a fringed blanket off the bed, bunched it up, and held it against her middle. "I got lucky." She put her elbow on the bed and rested her forehead on her hand.
Tara sat on the floor, to Buffy's right, and gently kissed her on the cheek. "Feel better, sweetie."
Jenny arrived and knocked on the open door.
Buffy looked at her. "Jenny. What are you doing here?"
Jenny walked into the room, holding a piece of paper. "I had a bit of a chat with Rupert earlier. Did you know Watchers are supposed to provide for the care of the Slayer in their charge?"
Buffy tried to think, her mind foggy. "Yeah, I think so."
"Well, he never provided."
"Yeah, because I wasn't living with him; I was living with my mom."
"Well, regardless, he was still supposed to provide for you out of his Watcher salary. So I did some calculations. This is the 1,689th day that you've been a Slayer."
"You calculated that?" Buffy asked in surprise.
Jenny nodded. "Uh-huh. March 10, 1997, to October 23, 2001, inclusive, is 1,689 days. Anyway, I figure ten bucks per day is fair, huh?" Jenny turned the check over and over in her hands, then held it out to Buffy.
Buffy took it, unfolded the check, looked at the amount ($16,890), and was stunned. "This is - This is great. This is more than great."
Jenny put her hand on Buffy's shoulder.
Buffy looked up at her and smiled. "Thank you. So much."
The next day, Fred and Angel had paint rollers in their hands and were painting over the walls in Fred's room.
Roger looked at Angel. "Now, Spiro Agnew, I know he was-"
"A Grathnar demon! You knew that? I thought I was the only one that knew that!"
"What else would he be but a demon?"
Kate walked in, carrying another can of paint. She saw Faith painting a wall.
"Not horizontally, vertically!" Kate yelled. "Otherwise, you-"
"Look, I'm telling you: if you do it vertically, you're gonna get those ugly drops-"
Trish was also painting. "Now, girls, I don't wanna hear any fighting over there."
Cordelia walked in, carrying two pizza boxes. "Did someone here order a pizza? Hey, Fred? Pizza?"
Fred walked to anther part of the wall. "In a minute. I just wanna finish this section."
Fred looked at a line drawing of two people - representing herself and Kate, facing off against a demon - for a moment, then lifted her paint roller and painted over it.