In silent screams, and wildest dreams, I never dreamed of this.
Taylor Swift- "This Love"
Olivia awoke gasping. The disorienting darkness amplified the tightening in her chest. She felt starved for air, her panic leaving her voiceless. Screaming without sound.
The thump of footsteps grew closer and she braced herself for whatever monster would come barreling through that unfamiliar door.
But it wasn't a monster.
Even in total darkness, she could make out a familiar pair of blue eyes. Worried eyes.
"You okay?" His voice bordered on panic, and she knew she was freaking him out, but she still couldn't figure out where she was, and the lingering nightmare-fueled adrenaline was muddling her thoughts.
His hand gripped hers. A little too hard, as if he forgot his own hulk-like strength.
Her free hand pressed to her chest, and a sort of enlightenment filled his eyes.
"Okay, okay," he soothed. He loosened his grip on her hand but lifted it so her delicate fingers now rested on the firm planes of his chest. "Feel that?" His eyes held hers, providing extra reassurance. "Breathe with me." He deliberately slowed the rhythm of his own breathing. "Breathe."
She closed her eyes and swallowed back the lump, tightening her throat. Slow. She focused on the rise and fall of the hand pressed to his chest. She mimicked the motion. Inhale. Exhale. With a little time, her racing heart slowed, and air began to more freely flow into her lungs.
He remained silent, his hand covering hers on his chest. Even with her eyes closed, she could feel his concerned gaze burning into her soul.
-000-
In losing grip, on sinking ships,
You showed up just in time.
Elliot couldn't hide his surprise when Olivia finally accepted an invitation to spend time together. More than that, it was a weekend trip.
She laughed and made a quippy comment about the utter surprise on his face. She agreed to bring Noah for a beach weekend at his mother's place. Eli and Becky planned on coming too, but Becky's blood pressure had come back too high at her OB appointment, and Eli planned on spending the weekend at home, providing constant reassurance that everything would, in fact, be okay.
When he told Olivia about Eli's last second change of plans, he had braced himself for her normal MO of backing out with any possible excuse. But she didn't back out.
That's how he found himself lying in the spare room of his mother's beachside property. He left the window cracked a few inches so the salty breeze could breathe life into the small bedroom. Noah slept down the hall in the other small bedroom while Olivia slept in the master bedroom across the narrow hallway.
They had time to walk the beach when they got to the house, but there wasn't time for much else before the air began to chill. He hoped the weather would be better in the morning so it wouldn't be a complete dud of a weekend.
He rolled on his back and rested a fisted hand on his forehead. Sleep evaded him—like it often did. But rather than haunting images of lives he couldn't save, he was consumed by thoughts of her.
The waves crashed against the beach, a rhythmic whoosh that should lull him into a deep sleep, but his thoughts continued to dwell on the ever-present feeling of regret lodged in his chest.
How could he leave her? Fifteen years. His stomach churned every time he considered the choice he made fifteen years ago. He left her without a word. His partner. His best friend. The other half of his soul. He left her, and he felt like he could never repair the damage he wrought on their once powerful bond—a bond he could never fully sever, no matter how hard he tried.
He closed his eyes and tried to focus on the soothing sound of the surf hitting the sand. He imagined the water creeping up the beach only to withdraw back into the ocean. Maybe he was like the tide, coming and going, never staying in one place for long. Olivia needed more than a man who came and went with the same rhythmic consistency of the tide.
He rolled onto his side so he faced the window. The full moon hid behind a stormy cloud cover but still provided dimmed light to the shore. Finally, his eyes began to feel heavy, but before he could let sleep take over, he heard the whimper.
He rolled over and listened. He was met with silence, and he wondered if he might actually be losing his mind. He shifted himself deeper beneath the blanket, but before he could completely settle, he heard it again. A distinct whimper.
He quieted his breathing, straining to hear the sound again. He could make out Noah's soft snores from down the hall. He wondered if something outside was making the sound, so he flipped the blankets off of him so he could shut the window. Just as he gripped the window's edge, he heard the whimper, but this time it was accompanied by an unfamiliar cry.
He immediately detected its source and bound out of the room and into the room across the hall.
Her body shot up, as if she were startled by his sudden presence, but the panic in her eyes sent him rushing to her side.
-000-
Skies grew darker, high tide came and brought you in, and you were just gone...
Olivia had accepted PTSD as part of her existence now. No one expects to spend twenty-five years with the NYPD and leave unscathed. But this wasn't PTSD. This was something else entirely.
The tightness in her chest wouldn't completely release. Her heart rate began to slow, but she struggled to accept that he was real—that he was sitting right next to her.
The dream was simple enough, but muddled and confusing as dreams often are.
It began with them standing on the beach, much like they had earlier in the evening. They walked side by side, hands brushing, but neither reached out to grab the other. Noah trailed behind them, picking up seashells that he would later keep in a jar above his bed. The spray of the ocean misted her face, and the smell of salt drifted lightly around them. For the first time in a long time, she felt happy.
But in an almost disjointed twist, Elliot no longer walked next to her. He was gone, vanishing, making her wonder if he ever existed in the first place. Making her feel like whatever they were meant nothing.
Her heart clenched, the feeling of abandonment searing itself deeply into her damaged heart. She wrapped her arms around herself, as if she could wrap herself up in a cocoon—shielded from the darkness threatening to consume her. Her body turned as she planned to retreat from the beach, but that's when he saw him, arms frantically waving as a current sucked him further into the distance.
She screamed, but no sound escaped. Her lungs tightened, but she had to get to him. She had to save him. Without a thought, she barreled towards the water. The freezing water bit at her ankles, but she found her cemented in place by some invisible force. She tried to scream again, but no air filled her lungs.
He continued to drift away, and she could do nothing but watch.
-000-
Lantern, burning,
Flickered in the night, only you
But you were still gone.
He watched as she came back to herself. The terror retreated from her eyes. Her breathing slowed, but her hand remained pressed tightly against his chest.
For a moment they sat silently, only the sounds of their breathing hanging in the air. Her brown eyes softened as they scanned his face, and she lifted her hand, brushing her fingers lightly over his cheek. Her expression seemed strange, as if she couldn't quite trust that he was real. He sucked in a breath and held it, unsure whether or not he should move or speak.
Her fingers continued to trace the features of his face, like she was mapping his every feature. Her touch was light. If he didn't have his eyes open, he might not notice it at all. Her fingers ran the length of his jaw, and his heart skipped a beat when they brushed over his lips. Her fingers stilled, pausing before her fingers brushed over his bottom lip. Her eyes dropped to his mouth. He froze, not wanting to break whatever spell, whatever reality, they found themselves in.
His heartbeat increased, and his breathing felt erratic as he watched her silently contemplate her next move.
He wasn't entirely surprised when she leaned in—but maybe he was—her lips brushing his in a ghost of a kiss. His eyes immediately fell shut as he savored the feeling of her lips so close to his. The smell of her hair and her perfume swirled around him, mixing with the faint smell of the ocean air, leaving him ready and wanting. Ready to fall into her.
The next time her lips pressed against his, all timidity fled, and what was left was twenty-five years of repressed want. Desire. Love.
-000-
When you're young, you just run.
But you come back to what you need.
The dream had a slippery quality. It felt like a reality she couldn't quite grasp—always slipping away, morphing, changing. One minute she was on the beach, and another she found herself on a crowded city street, a stretcher passing her, but the paramedics didn't hold Kathy's life in their hands. They held Elliot's.
Another shift, and she found herself crumbling in an empty interrogation. Echoes of the word "gone" reverberating in the suffocating space.
And finally, and perhaps the most haunting scene. She stood at a podium accepting an award with her insides screaming because he never came home. The woman at the podium didn't know. She didn't know that he could and would come home. In this reality, she never found him on a crowded street. He never came back, and her life moved on like he never existed.
A world without him proved to be the most terrifying possibility of all.
Another shift put her back on the beach, screaming at the sky. She spun towards the crashing surf, but she could no longer find him. The dark water stole him from her, sweeping him into the depths of the ocean.
-000-
This love is alive back from the dead,
These hands had to let it go free, and
This love came back to me…
"Liv," he murmured. Her lips were beginning to become more insistent, and he started to feel himself getting lost in it all. "Olivia."
She drew his lower lip into her mouth, and a groan erupted from his chest. He reluctantly pulled back, chest heaving. His hands held her shoulders firmly. "Olivia," her name finally came out intelligibly.
Her dark eyes slowly opened, and his large hand cupped her cheek. "There you are." He smiled softly while rubbing his thumb the length of her cheekbone. "I needed to make sure you were awake."
"I'm awake," she confirmed softly.
"Good." His lips crashed into hers, and his tongue almost immediately sought out hers.
She fisted his shirt, sending them tumbling to the mattress. He continued to kiss her, pouring out all the passion, all the raw emotion that he had kept locked away for decades.
Her hands dipped beneath his shirt, and she pressed her fingertips deeply into his abs. The feeling of her hands on his skin elicited another groan that broke their lips apart. He took the opportunity to let his lips wander the column of her neck. He nipped at the juncture of her neck and shoulder, forcing a little yelp and a breathy laugh.
Her hands continued to explore while his mouth wandered lower and lower.
He pulled her tank top lower, exposing her lace trimmed bra and the tops of her breasts. He ran his tongue along the skin just beneath the lacy edge of her bra, leaving her practically panting. His hands wander lower, teasing his fingers just below the waistband of her pajamas, but he paused. He pulled his lips away from the skin of her breasts, meeting her gaze, waiting for her to tell him if this was what she wanted.
Her breathing remained heavy, but her eyes held his and maintained contact while she covered his hand with hers. "Need you," she said simply while guiding his hand beneath the waistband of her pajamas and beneath her lacy panties.
His body immediately reacted, and he had to close his eyes and concentrate on slowing his response. His head dropped against the exposed tan skin of her abdomen. When he finally felt some semblance of control, he lifted his head. He chanced a glance upward only to find her lip tucked between her teeth and eyes closed in obvious anticipation, but he needed to be sure.
"Are you sure?" he husked, hoping desperately that she wouldn't respond in the negative.
Her eyes opened, and he saw no hesitation there. He felt her fingers line up with hers as she urged him lower. "Yes, El." She closed her eyes once more. "I'm sure."
-000-
This love left a permanent mark
This love is glowing in the dark,
These hands had to let it go free, and
This love came back to me.
Sunlight poured through the window, and the sound of gulls registered faintly in the distance. Olivia rolled onto her side, reaching for the warm body she knew would be sleeping heavily next to her. Her eyes popped open when her fingers came into contact with cold sheets.
She sat up abruptly, her eyes darting around in an attempt to reaffirm her settings. She held the sheet tightly against her naked body with one hand while her head dropped into the other. Her thoughts raced as she tried to piece together the events of the night. Memories flooded in, but she struggled to tease apart dreams from reality.
The sound of the surf hitting the beach beneath it provided a soothing ambient noise as she pieced together the fragmented pieces of the night before. She opened her eyes and pressed her fingers into the tousled sheets beside her.
Visions of his mouth on her skin and his hands working her into a blissful oblivion paraded through her mind. It felt so real, but it wasn't the first time she had found herself in sweat-soaked sheets with Elliot's name tumbling from her lips.
Just then the whooshing sounds of the beach grew louder as a door opened and shut downstairs. Noah's excited voice carried through the floorboards, but the rumble of Elliot's voice made her heart skip a beat.
His heavy footsteps climbed the stairs. A moment later, the door slowly opened, and he stepped inside. She sat perfectly still, half covered by her tangled sheets, as his eyes swept up her body. When his ocean blue eyes finally reached hers, a warm smile broke across his face, and she knew.
Last night had been real, and her life, like a wild dream, had once again shifted.
And she couldn't be more at peace.