A/N: See Chapter 1 for Disclaimer.
Chapter 3: Trumping Aces
"I still can't believe what I'm hearing!" Tom yelled in the Mess Hall eight months later, as he, B'Elanna, Harry, Tuvok, Seven of Nine, Kes, Neelix, and Dr. Luke all sat around a long table together with Chakotay at the head of it. All their duty shifts had just ended for the day, and many of them were still in their uniforms, although Seven, Neelix, Kes, and Luke were wearing civilian clothes, of course. "You're telling me, Commander, that tomorrow morning, we are going to insert an I.V. into Captain Janeway that's attached to the Kensyte biometric device and allow that thing to start dumping poison, actual, literal poison, into her veins? We are going to poison our own captain in order to get home? Is that what you're telling me?"
"Tom, you know B'Elanna, Seven, and Harry have been working practically around the clock these past eight months, trying to come up with some other way to do this. Trying to come up with some way to keep the device working without the need to deposit Byreya particles into a receptacle. Trying to come up with a way to create a different kind of receptacle it can use in the place of a human. But they haven't been successful. And if we don't start draining the device of these particles that are stored up inside it, it'll start to malfunction soon, and then all of us will start dying, not just the Captain. If we want to get home, if you want to get your children out of the Borg's backyard as quickly as possible, this is literally the only way to do it. I don't like this any better than you guys do. But this is the situation we're faced with, whether we like it or not," Chakotay responded.
"And you actually support the Captain in this, Doc?" Tom asked Dr. Luke incredulously.
"Yes, Mr. Paris," Dr. Luke replied solemnly. "I support my wife wholeheartedly."
"Even though her decision is going to break your children's hearts when this poison finally kills her? Not to mention yours?" B'Elanna asked him pointedly.
Dr. Luke let out a weary sigh, and then he told Tom and B'Elanna, "First of all, the last thing in the world Katie and I would ever want is to do anything that would hurt our children. But in addition to being parents, Kathryn and I are also a captain and a doctor with duties to this entire crew, not just to our children alone. When I married Katie eleven years ago, I knew all along what I was signing on for. I always knew that I was not marrying an ordinary woman; that I was marrying a Starfleet captain – Starfleet's greatest captain, as far I'm concerned. I always knew that there was the distinct possibility that something like this could eventually happen. I always knew that there would be times like this when Kathryn would have to be a captain first and a wife and a mother second.
"And second of all, yes, despite all the pain it will cause us and our children, I do support Katie in this with all my heart and soul, because I know exactly how she feels. I understand exactly why she needs to do this. Lest you all forget, there was a very brief time when I, too, was a captain of a starship, and I, too, had to make the brutal command decision to sacrifice innocent lives for the sake of the greater good. But what I went through aboard the Idora is just a needle in the haystack compared to the pure, utter emotional hell my poor wife has endured through the years, and I am very well aware of that. Even after all these years, the command decision I made on the Idora still haunts me to this very day. So I can't even imagine what Katie goes through. And I know that if I were in her shoes, and this were my command decision to make, I'd do the same thing. I know I wouldn't be able to bear the loss of another life under my command, either. So I cannot and do not blame Kathryn for her command decision. I know this is going to break my children's hearts, and as a father, I will be there for them and help them through this to the best of my ability. But as a husband, I will not blame my wife for doing what she has to do as a captain. I will not make this burden any heavier for her than it already is."
The Doctor's words truly were invisible knives to Chakotay's heart in those moments as he recalled how he'd told Kathryn the story of the "Angry Warrior" when they'd been alone on New Earth together so many years ago. How that angry warrior had sworn to himself, how he had sworn to Kathryn in his heart when telling her that story, that he would always stay by her side and do whatever he could to make her burden lighter. But when the chips were down, when they were facing the threat of the Borg and Species 8472, the threat of complete annihilation of the entire galaxy itself, his "promises" proved to be nothing but a cruel, agonizing joke when he did blame her for doing what she had to do as a captain to save countless lives. And it grieved him right down to the core that he had selfishly betrayed her trust and made her unimaginable burdens even heavier by emotionally abandoning her, right at the point in their lives when she'd needed him the most. For many years, he didn't see it; he didn't understand what he had truly done to Kathryn inside. But now, he finally realized that the Doctor was a much better man and a much better husband to Kathryn than he ever could have been. And even though it still broke his heart to this day that he couldn't be the man to be by Kathryn's side for life, he was now finally wise enough to understand that with all the inner and outer battles Kathryn was constantly fighting in the Delta Quadrant every single day, the last thing she'd needed by her side all these years was an angry warrior. What she really needed was a healer. Someone to ease her pain and lighten her burdens. And Chakotay knew now that he could never do that for her the way the Doctor could. So although it still tore him up to lose such a remarkable lady as Kathryn Janeway, even now after all these years, in the end, he truly was grateful that Kathryn chose Dr. Luke over him. A man who was truly worthy of her trust and her heart, in ways that Chakotay never could be.
"I don't think I've ever been so torn in all my life," Harry told them as a choked-up Dr. Luke got up and walked out of the Mess Hall. "I mean, yes, absolutely, my conscience is screaming at me that us allowing our Captain to be poisoned to death, all of us going along with this just so we can get ourselves home faster, betrays everything our uniform stands for. But now that I'm a parent myself, I see the other side. I understand why Captain Janeway is willing to sacrifice herself so that we can get our children home safely. If I were in her shoes, I'd probably do the same thing. But I won't lie. I feel it in my gut that if we go along with what the Captain is trying to do, it'll be a huge betrayal, not only of our uniform or of Captain Janeway, but of our own conscience. We've always done so much talk over the years about what a family we are here on Voyager. What kind of 'family' just tosses their matriarch under the bus, allows her to throw her very life away, just so they can get home quicker?"
"You know, uh…you saying that just now, Harry, it, uh…it reminds me a lot of what Captain Janeway first told me when she decided to destroy the Caretaker's array all those years ago," B'Elanna said quietly. "That she wasn't willing to trade the lives of the Ocampa for our convenience. Yet now, here we are, trading her life for our convenience. It just feels so hypocritical. Not to mention heartbreaking. As a parent myself, yes, I am so, so grateful that Captain Janeway is willing to do this so I can get my children out of the Delta Quadrant faster. But yet, as a mother myself, I just can't stop thinking about her children. Is it really fair for me to go along with what the Captain is doing so that my children can be protected, knowing all along that it'll cause her children to lose their mother – one of whom is only fifteen months old? Is that really right?"
"Nothing about any of this is right," said Tom.
"You can say that again," Neelix agreed.
"That is a valid argument, Commander Torres," Seven of Nine chimed in. "However, we must also remember that if the Captain chooses to take this course of action, it will also get her children out of Borg territory as quickly as possible. Even though we are closer than we've ever been to reaching the Alpha Quadrant, even though we are closer than ever to leaving Delta Quadrant territory, we've still gotten into a number of heavy battles with the Borg during our time in Kensyte space, and although we did not lose any of our crewmen, we came terribly close to losing lives many times. Despite how close we are to Earth, this vessel is clearly not out of danger yet. And neither are our children."
"It is at times like these that human emotion becomes your greatest weakness," said Tuvok. "As I am a Vulcan male, my physiology is much tougher and stronger than that of a human female. If I were to become the necessary receptacle for the Byreya particles, I would eventually succumb to its poison, but I do believe I would survive longer than Captain Janeway would, and I believe my body could possibly absorb more of the particles, making the Kensyte biometric device more efficient. It has been my very great privilege to serve with Captain Janeway all these years, but on rare occasions such as these, I do believe her emotions cause her to err in her decisions. With all due respect to the Captain, I cannot help but believe that this command decision she has made is sorely lacking in logic. All but one of my children are now adults who no longer need the presence of a father to survive. And should I choose to sacrifice my life for the good of our crew, I know my youngest child would still have his mother and his adult siblings to guide him into maturity. Captain Janeway, on the other hand, has five very young children, and if she chooses to sacrifice herself now, they would only have one person to care for them: a grief-stricken father. It is abundantly clear that I should be the one to sacrifice my life so that Voyager can reach the Alpha Quadrant safely. I only wish I could help the Captain to see that."
"I must disagree with you, husband," Seven told him. "As a former Borg drone, I still have a constant stream of nanoprobes flowing through my body. When we tested this scenario on the Holodeck, we learned that Byreya is such a destructive element that it even shut my nanoprobes down over time. However, I do believe I could still last considerably longer than most of you – with the likely exception of you, Kes. I may not be male, but with my enhanced Borg physiology, I do believe my body could absorb more Byreya particles than yours. And concerning our son, you possess far more experience, knowledge, and wisdom as a parent than I do. Therefore, you would be the logical choice to remain alive to help guide him into maturity, along with his older siblings."
"Your argument is indeed quite logical, wife," Tuvok agreed. "However, respectfully, there is another facet of logic you have failed to consider, and that is the issue of ethics. It is unethical for an older person to allow a younger person to sacrifice her life for him, as the younger person has not yet had the opportunity to experience as much of life as the older person has. All humanoid species have a natural instinct for the older to protect and sacrifice for the younger, so that their species may continue to live and thrive. God guided humanoid society into forming that way for a reason, Seven."
"Well I say that if anybody should sacrifice themselves to get this crew home, it should be someone who doesn't have a spouse and children who need them. Someone like me," said Chakotay.
Kes then fervently shook her head and told them with tears in her eyes, "No. No. You're all wrong. Terribly wrong. When Captain Janeway first met the Caretaker over twenty years ago, he told her that because of what his people accidentally did to our people, they owed us a debt that can never be repaid. But because of everything Captain Janeway has sacrificed over the years, because of the unspeakable emotional hell she has been through all this time because she chose to put the lives of my people ahead of herself, the Ocampa now owe her a debt that can never be repaid. As an Ocampa, I owe her a debt that can never be repaid. If anyone should sacrifice their life to get this crew home, it should be me. I never got married. I never had children. I don't have anyone in my life depending on me the way Captain Janeway and many of you do. Furthermore, as you said so accurately, Seven, with my very strong and powerful physiology, I could last longer. We know from all the tests we've run, all our simulations on the Holodeck, that even my physiology would eventually succumb to this lethal element within about a year or so, but even if I were to return to Earth with only one year to live, that would still be a little bit of time for doctors to find a way to cure me. And God only knows what can happen within one year. There is every possibility that a cure could be found within that time. Don't you all see? I am the obvious choice. So for obvious reasons, I cannot allow Captain Janeway to do this."
"That isn't your call to make, Kes," said Captain Janeway as everyone turned their gazes towards her. She had changed out of her uniform into a long-sleeved white dress, and she looked quite angelic that evening to say the least.
"Have you been listening the entire time, Captain?" Chakotay inquired.
"Pretty much," the Captain confirmed as she walked up to the long table where they were sitting. "Tuvok, Seven, Chakotay, Kes, the four of you have come up with some excellent arguments for why each of you should be the person to be hooked up to the Kensyte device when we start tomorrow. And you're right, Mr. Tuvok. I know that in the eyes of many people – your eyes in particular – my command decision does appear to be 'sorely lacking in logic,' as you so eloquently put it. But I want all of you to listen to me, and I want you to hear me. I want you to really, really hear me as I explain my reasoning.
"Unfortunately, over the years, I've let some very important things go unsaid that I should have said long before now. I guess I just didn't feel comfortable blurring the lines between our friendships and our professional relationships. But now that I look back, I truly do wish I had told you all of this sooner. But as the old saying goes, better late than never.
"Harry, B'Elanna, Tom, Kes, I never actually told you any of this, I never actually said the words out loud, but when the four of you first joined my crew over twenty years ago, and I stranded us out here in the Delta Quadrant, I couldn't help but start looking on all of you as my own surrogate children. I know I'm not your mother, but even so, I feel like your mother. I've felt that way about you for many years." Kathryn then turned her gaze to Seven and told her, "Seven, the same goes for you. I felt the same way about you when you first joined our crew as well. Watching all of you learn and grow and get married and have children of your own and experience life the way we've gotten to experience it as explorers, out here doing what we love the most – even if it is out in the Delta Quadrant – has been one of the greatest privileges of my life. And all of you have learned and grown so very much. And even though I'm not your mother, every time I look at you, I can't help but feel like the proudest mother in the galaxy. You belong to your mothers, of course, but after all we've been through together out here these past two decades, I do believe I've earned the right to say that you belong to me, too.
"Mr. Tuvok," said Captain Janeway while turning her gaze towards him, and in response, he rose from his seat and locked his eyes with hers. "You were talking about how all but one of your children are grown now. Tell me something. If it were just you, your oldest son Sek, and your youngest son Selik, facing a situation like this, and you knew one of you had to die so that the other two could get home safely, how willing would you be as a parent to choose Sek out of the three of you, and not yourself, simply because he is your oldest child?"
"As a parent, it would be both illogical and immoral to make such a choice. I would be left with no other recourse but to choose myself," he admitted.
"Exactly. And in many ways, being a starship captain is just like being a parent. You guys aren't just crewmen under my command. And I'm not just your captain. You're my family, and the love and concern I have for each one of you is the same that I have for my five younger children. I couldn't chose any one of you over myself any more than any of you could choose to send an older child of yours to his death over yourselves simply because he's an older child. You all know perfectly well that you could never bring yourselves to do anything like that. So please, try to understand that that is basically what you're all asking me to do right now. To choose to send an older child of mine to their death and not myself. The woman who's loved you and cared for you and been responsible for you for over twenty years. Do not ask that of me. Do not do that to me. Please."
"When I was speaking earlier, I was convinced that I had constructed an ironclad argument against your command decision, Captain," Tuvok told her. "But indeed, I was mistaken. As you humans say, you have 'trumped my ace,' my old friend. I am left with no choice but to admit defeat in this debate, as much as it grieves me to do so."
Kathryn gave her old friend a knowing smile in that moment, and she lightly touched his arm for just a couple of seconds to express all the affection of her heart towards him that could never be said in words.
"She just trumped all our aces," Tom admitted.
"That's why I'm the Captain," she told them with a wise, yet sad smile.
B'Elanna rose from her seat then, approached her Captain, and yelled, "I learned how to keep that Klingon temper of mine under control years ago, but now, I am so filled with rage that I just want to scream! This is so unfair! It's so wrong! You're one of the kindest, most beautiful people I've ever known in my life, and you have put yourself through pure hell to get us this far!" she cried out, and Kathryn immediately wrapped her arms around her surrogate daughter as she angrily sobbed. "Nobody deserves to make it back to Earth more than you do, Captain," B'Elanna said through her tears. "You're not supposed to die out here in this disgusting Delta Quadrant! You're supposed to come back to Earth with us! You're supposed to be there when we dock in one of Starfleet's docking bays! You're supposed to be there when we finally see that blue-green marble live on our viewscreen!"
"I know, honey. I know. I know," Kathryn whispered as she and B'Elanna continued clinging to each other. "We can always hope and pray that a miracle will happen in the next two months, but even if it doesn't, it's alright." The embrace ended then, and Kathryn looked into the faces of all the people she loved in those moments, and she told them, "It's alright, because even if my body can't go back to Earth with you, I promise you all, my heart will. Nothing will ever take my heart away from all of you. Or my love. That's something that not even death can stop or change."
In those moments, everyone else stood, and B'Elanna, Tom, Harry, Neelix, and Seven just enveloped the Captain in their embrace. And as Chakotay watched the scene unfold, tears streamed from his left eye, and he quickly turned around and left. Tuvok had to leave then also, because the tiniest of tears had begun to form in one of his eyes as well.