You and me, always Chapter 34: Two sides of the same coin pt 1, a grey's anatomy fanfic

Chapter 34

Two sides of the same coin pt.1

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)

Background: Starts from the beginning of season 1 with their first meeting at the bar. AU from there. Derek is looking for a fresh start, one-night stands and mostly- oblivion from his carefully built life back home. Meredith is a virgin but still hotheaded and stubborn to no end. When her one-night-stand attempt ends up her boss, she's mortified. Still, not as mortified as overhearing him talk to another attending asking him is she was frigid and Derek agreeing with him. Now he's determined to forget about her, and she will do anything to prove his words wrong. None of them expected to fall for each other in the process.

Most of the regular characters will be there, though I may give them slightly different stories. Christina is with Owen from the start, I was never much into Burke. Lots of drama because writing is my way to vent.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)

Note: I really appreciate any comment, because it means I'm not writing this just for me, and I just got inspired (there is one more chapter ready to edit and 2 more that I already know the story of. As much as consistency would be great sometimes this is impossible to write and sometimes it just pours out of me. So I'm giving it a go. Thank you to everyone still reading.

*Derek's perspective*

We stand in the parking lot, and I have my back towards her, contemplating, occasionally looking back. To my surprise, she's not running for the hills. I have half a mind to pick her up like a damn caveman, except I don't know where to go. Where exactly was it a good place to have this conversation? In a bar, or somewhere surrounded by people, seemed safer. Less chance of me showing her how angry her self-deprication made me feel. Less chance to ask the brutally honest questions I had for her. Ugh.

'I'd come anywhere with you. ' she mutters in a flat tone, reading my mind. There is resolve in her, and as much as I fucking respect her getting her power back, I want to shake her out of this state.

'Trailer', I mutter and we get on the ferry, but nothing in me feels happy about it. I feel dumbfounded. Like the sky was green. I stare in the water, giving her side glances. I still can't believe all this is real. She CANNOT be serious.

'You don't want to believe me. But you will. ' she says having read my face again. There is nothing recognizedable in the tone of her voice and I fight another wave of wanting to just shake her out of this. When finally sit at the table, no one is saying a word. Good lord give me patience.

'You think I'm joking? She asks, cool and collected. I swear under my breath.

'No, no I really don't.' Trust me I don't. But if she thought this was going to fly she had another thing coming. She's not giving away an inch, refusing to stop this whole rediculous act.

'You can ask.'

I growl in frustration and she gives a little amused chuckle.

'What's funny?'

She freezes, laughter dying and I immediately regret it, but jeez, could she blame me? 'Tell me what the hell you meant about dating after Ben.'

'I was clear.'

'Like hell you were.' I grumble. I am over being polite. She isn't hearing me, and according to her, I am not hearing her. Her mouth is pressed in a thin strained line over her face and I want the ice in her to melt. Not that I want her to cry but fuck even that sounded more natural at this point..

'So you didn't hear me saying I acted like a whore or you want the details'

Jesus lord almighty give me patience...

'What?'

I was muttering aloud, apparently. I summon all the patience I ever had but if she says the word whore again…

'Nothing. Why would you think that?'

'Do you want to hear about me giving blowjobs and handjobs in the bathrooms at school or about having a second threesome in 2 weeks after the first one, but getting paid the second time?'

I stare at her with an open mouth. 'Why are you doing this to yourself?'

'I'm not doing anything.'

She can lie well. Hell she's giving the performance of a lifetime. Maybe she even believes some of that shit. Except I can see the shade of her skin get paler. I reach for her hand over the table and she pulls hers away like I'm fucking electric wire.

I growl again. 'Start at the beginning.'

'I mean once people hear you've had two threesomes in 2 weeks they start offering you stuff. And you find yourself giving blowjobs and hand jobs in the toilets.'

II'm squeezing my fists tightly under the table to contain my anger from scaring her. I don't know what part of that- if any- was true, but she doesn't realise that even in this state what she's saying doesn't make sense. Did she even realize, that even in her 'slutty' version for the most part she was reluctant letting herself have actual sex with people? I doubted that. She seemed zoned out but I knew if things had gotten to the point of people thinking she'd just give it up the way she says, the offers were likely not limited to hand and mouth action. Yet she hadn't managed to cross that line- not even while she's shamelessly lying to my face. Something isn't making sense. Most of this doesn't, but the start of it? Pure fucking chaos.

'So you're saying what? You sign the NDA, Ben breaks up with you and you get into another threesome? Am I getting this right?'

'Sums it up. Should I elaborate?'

'You better.' I match her tone. Two can play that game.

'Or maybe i should show you/'

'Maybe you should.' I challenge, because she's relentless, and she quiets down. She doesn't want me calling her out on this. She doesn't want to talk about the truth. She wants to run. And I would be bad for her if I let her do this to herself.

'I don't bite love. He might,' I notice as Ollie finally peaks out of the bedroom portion of the trailer. The black German shepherd is on her in 2.3 seconds, sniffing her lap and making sweet eyes at her, licking her palms. The mask falls and her face is sweet again, surprised and delighted at the one year old pup I hadn't yet had the chance to tell her about. Her voice is low and full of the so familiar sweetness that makes my stomach coil in stress from how drastically different is from her unnatural tone so far today. 'He can (bite me), but he won't, will you-'

'Oliver.' I offer without thinking.

'Ollie. You're a good boy, aren't you Ollie, she mutters, forgetting everything and petting him right at his favorite place behind his ears. Ollie edges his head leaning in for more, and closing his eyes in pleasure. Low sweet chuckle escapes her lips. 'You're just gorgeous, arent you, Ollie?' The dog gives her a low growl of pleasure and she continues rubbing behind his ears. I chuckle in disbelief, refusing to tell her that the same reaction had taken me about a week to coax out of Ollie. But he was already in love with her. Figures.

And suddenly she looked at me and the mask was back again. 'There really isn't anything complicated about threesomes.' She's been 'dying' to tell me this whole night, but once we're at the subject, she keeps dancing around it. I know why, but I also know it's not helping.

'Walk me through it anyway.'

'When three people want to...'

'Bullshit.'

'Too easy?' She seems stunned, like I called her out too early, and yet, she can't say it. She can't even lie about it.

'Try again.' Somehow the room fels cclder. She's all thorns and coldness and defences. She's come willingly, but she's getting further from talking, not the other way around.

'I can show you...' She says in what she probably means as a flirty tone, but it comes out fake and my stomach hurts from the stress. Suddenly she's on my lap, and doing things between my tights that I wasn't aware she could, but I put hands on her tights, stilling her over me. THIS, this is something else. There must be something true- not all because, does she think I'm that stupid? But she clearly knows more than she's let on before, and it's a bit sad that this is how deep fear goes in her, and that this is the only way she's able to admit to it.

'I'm not stupid.' I growl, and samn it, she better hear me soon. She seems shaken, like she doesn't know what to say next. At that moment, it can go one of 2 ways. And she chooses the wrong one, and doubles down on whatever game she's playing.

'So you don't want me right now on the kitchen table if I said I'd just fuck you right now?' She tosses recklessly, and my fingers dig into her hips in surprise. Shit isn't funny anymore.

She wants out of my lap now, but I've lost it. This is going on way too long. And I need her to think long and hard before she says another idiotic thing insulting herself in the worst ways she can imagine.

'So show me, sweetheart' I offer with a sweet tone, ignoring the word she asked me not to use. I HAVE to do something, don't I? I keep my hands on her hips so she's flush against my lap, as my hand roughly inches at her breasts. I don't want to hurt her. I just want a second of recognition of her why she knows she can't say stuff like that, why I'm careful even when I'm angry at her. Why I gave my ex-wife no chance to explain, no teary conversations, no patient explanations, zero, but with Meredith I've never let myself forget to listen, to every word, even when she's being rediculous. I just need her to pay attention for a second, to get back to reality for a second, nothing more. But when I touch her breasts, cries out in surprise, even though I know for a fact I'm not putting that much pressure at all. She's pulling away from me so sharply she almost hits her head in the cabinets on the wall across from us, stumbling with legs wobbly like jelly.

SHIT. That was a second too long, apparently. I crossed the fucking line. I just wanted to shake her out of that stupid game and now I crossed the fucking line in the worst possible way.

'Mer' I plead quietly with a heavy voice, but shes already running/stumbling out of the trailer. Fuck.

I'm out yelling after her in 2 seconds flat. She stops and turns around to look at me, but she doesn't move. I apologize, and beg her to come in, but she's inching a few steps further every time I try. Jesus. Fuck. Damn it. I've just royally fucked up.

I grumble. I loathe myself for doing that, but that particular train of thought can wait.

'I'll sleep outside on the field with Ollie, if you just go in and take the bed.' I plead. I can't think of anything better. There is nothing I can say to make this better. She shakes her her no, but relents to coming inside. Still far away from me. We are at the opposite ends of the fucking table again, but somehow she feels further.

'Did you really think this whole game was easier than the truth?' I ask her, perplexed, but really I'm angry at myself. Because I've been trying so hard to not scare her, and I ended up doing it anyway, at the worst moment.

She shutters at the question, and it's when I know things must be really, really bad. All I want to do is crash her against my chest. Can't do that now, not yet.