You and me, always Chapter 35: Two sides of the same coin pt 2, a grey's anatomy fanfic

Chapter 34

Two sides of the same coin pt.2

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)

Background: Starts from the beginning of season 1 with their first meeting at the bar. AU from there. Derek is looking for a fresh start, one-night stands and mostly- oblivion from his carefully built life back home. Meredith is a virgin but still hotheaded and stubborn to no end. When her one-night-stand attempt ends up her boss, she's mortified. Still, not as mortified as overhearing him talk to another attending asking him is she was frigid and Derek agreeing with him. Now he's determined to forget about her, and she will do anything to prove his words wrong. None of them expected to fall for each other in the process.

Most of the regular characters will be there, though I may give them slightly different stories. Christina is with Owen from the start, I was never much into Burke. Lots of drama because writing is my way to vent.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)

Note: I really appreciate any comment, because it means I'm not writing this just for me, and I just got inspired (there is one more chapter ready to edit and 2 more that I already know the story of. As much as consistency would be great sometimes this is impossible to write and sometimes it just pours out of me. So I'm giving it a go. Thank you to everyone still reading.

*Meredith's perspective*

We are both silent for few minutes. I am rubbing behind Ollie's ears and taking pleasure in his joy, which is a wonderful distraction. Derek looks scared to do much after I freaked out on him and I can't blame him. He did freak me out for a second, sure, but I'm fairly certain even he doesn't realize it has nothing to do with our topic of conversation. More with my recent experiences with Liam. But I was not about to admit that. I'd already subjected him to his first full on experience of me 'losing my shit'. I hadn't been so creatively deslusional in avoiding tthe truth since that time when I had convinced my mother I went to Europe during the summer for an internship, rather than to backpack with my best friends...all of which was BEFORE, of course. It was a while since anything had prompted a reaction like that out of me and I was yet to figure out if that was great or horrible. In this particular context, I was leaning with horrible. Couldn't blame him if after all my usual meltdowns, this one was a little too much crazy for his taste. And yet, I was reluctant to offer the truth, because HOW? He was tired of it. I was tired of it. But yes, I had lost it for a moment. My worst fear for many years had been inheriting what my mother suffered from- other than meeting Liam or Joye again. Realising one had somehow prompted the other? Too much. I was sufficiently freaked out of everything else happening lately, to really want to deal with episode 2 of 'Meredith can't remember'. Retaking my exams as a result for going though it last time was enough. Imagining for a second things with Derek were over because this was a too much on top of the TOO MUCH pile? I couldn't.

'Penny for your thoughts.' he offered gently, clearly still afraid I would bolt.

'I'm not going to bolt.' I reassure him, though I don't think he believes me.

'That's good. So what are you thinking?'

Blunt. Can I go with blunt? 'I was thinking if today was ...' I can't use the words 'the-end-for-us'. No way. 'Too much for you. I mean everything was too much even before, but this...'

'Do you mean the memory loss part or your reaction to it, or the actual truth about dating after Ben?'

'Either. All.' Did I have to go with blunt? My heart was speeding with anticipation anxiety. It was too much for me as the person in it, so, definitely too much for him. But our brief relationship- however imperfect- ending- was not something I was ready to hear in the slightest.

'I think you're asking wrong question.'

'Meaning?'

You should be asking can I handle it, even if it's what someone may canll 'too much'. I can.' He gives me reassuring smile, but he's still acting like I'm about to bolt. Careful and honest were often mutually exclusive. Shit.

'Derek.' I groan. 'I did not get that scared. Relax.' AS if getting scared constantly was normal. To be fair, these days it had been. I struggle to think of the right way to frase this. He gives me a look, the 'you-didn't see your face' kind of look. Still, I can't offer him the truth about the situation of the hospital. The fact that the only resolution I see there without Liam getting suspended is one of us dying eventually, is too goddamn much. So I go for the truth I CAN say- even if it's tough. 'Okay, I did. But you had the right to try to shake me out of this. Even if I don't approve of your method. But it kind of worked, didn't it?'

He frowns with another 'why do you do this to yourself' look and I ignore it, because frankly, I don't have an answer to that one yet.

' I can handle it.' He repeats. 'So can we please have a frank conversation now? Not about the details, unless you think you want to do that. I just need to know why you would think this goddamn theatre was easier than the truth or telling me no to talking about it? Do you think I'm that thick? I get that I asked too many questions but you know I am trying.'

'I don't think I can.'

'What?'

'Just say no.' I elaborate. 'I don't think I'm very good at doing that. Historically it was not something that was taught to me a lot- or respected.'

I see him contemplating, wondering if this was about THEM. 'No, not just- when I was a kid, my mother had kind of a ...presence. She'd let you say no, but then twist things so that you kind of felt like you had to eventually change your mind or you were just wrong. Really the only way to deal with it was getting selective and creative with which truth you say-'

'You mean lying.'

'Potato-patato.' I shrug. 'It was basically choosing between her making every choice for me and living my life, or getting creative. And then as doctors we are constantly taught how to handle patients, give them enough truth to make an informed decision, but not so much to freak them out. And then...well, clearly saying no in other areas didn't really work out. And I just-'

'You know I tell you you can say anything all the time. And you know I'm not good with dishonestly.' He groans, and I feel my face flush with shame. He was cheated on by a woman he'd been married to for 11 years. That was already too much.

'I'm sorry.' I offer. I'm not sure there is a way to really say this any better. I can think of a few more enjoyable ones, but clearly my head and my body aren't much in sync lately. I can see him thinking, it's almost audible. I have to stop him. You shouldn't have to overthink every word you say in a relationship so damn much. I really hadn't, before. It was a nasty habit, but instead of pulling him down with me, I was supposed to try to do better. 'I wasn't saying it's my best quality. I'm aware I have to change it.'

His body still seems too rigid. 'Okay.' he manages. I am getting a tension headache again, but I refuse to let go of the idea that me and him can be something better than him constantly havng to fix me.

'Derek, I'm trying. I promise I'll tell you what I can without bolting. Within reason.'

'I don't want you to tell me everything for the sake of it. You're allowed to have reservations. Or choose what you're not ready for. I just want you to say you're not ready if you're not ready. Because what you did to yourself today, was entirely unnecessary.'

'To myself, or to you?'

'To us too, but I said I can handle it and I can. I mean to yourself. Even lying I don't get why you would use that language about yourself. Why was that necessary.'

'Can you forgive me?'

He sighs, and that makes me sad. 'I already have, love. I'm more... worried. And you didn't answer. If you can't answer, then just say that.'

'I can.' I offer, as usual too stubborn for my own good, but I feel the fear burning at the back of my throat. Again, me and truth, historically not in agreement. No one really wants this kind of truth. But I do have to fight with myself a bit to get my words right. Saying me and truth don't get along is hell of a lot easier than admitting it's making my whole body tense and afraid to just try to word things. I'm so used to scanning people for their reactions and expectations for what I'll say, that I'm not sure I could really separate what I thought about something from knowing what the people around me would likely think as well and using that knowledge to decide my actions and words. Sometimes I didn't even know my opinion, but I could always tell what others were thinking by their body reaction. But for Derek? I was really going to TRY.

'You're not okay.' It's a statement, but Derek offers it a little like a question. 'You don't have to do this to yourself.'

'What exactly?' pretty sure a lot of this I wasn't exactly doing to myself. He must have read it on my face.

'Jesus, not what they did to you. I meant putting so much guilt and blame and shame on yourself, as if you were the one making your life that complicated. And today? I mean lying is one thing. The names you called yourself is just... next level.'

My nostrils flare as I'm trying not to be enraged by that comment, because he kind of has a point.

'It was a little much' I admit and he glares at me.

'A little.' I chuckle and he relaxes a little, which helps. But finding the right words still evades me.

'I want to explain. I- am not sure how.'

'Why?'

'One, because this whole memory thing, it caught me off guard. I said...last time was when I was dealing with seeing THEM in school everyday and after starting a new relationship. And we get together and this happens.'

'You're scared..'

'Of losing you. Yes.' He stares at me.

'Not where I was going with this. I told you we will deal with it together. Why would you be scared of that? Have I ever made you feel I'd leave in any context?'

I blush deep, caught off guard again. Truth was definitely not easy. I try to avoid thinking of how he'll react when I say this. One. Two. Three. 'It's not what you say, it's what you do.' I blurt out. 'I mean I understand the need to just start over, but Derek, you ended a decade long marriage from one horrible situation. I know it's never that simple, but you can't blame me for being careful about something we have just started. Especially with my ...situation adding to it.'

'You can't think that's even comparable' He says in bewildered tone.

'It's not, that's the point. You were with her way longer.'

'No, you idiot,' he says in the sweetest possible tone. 'It's not the same because I'm not sure I ever loved her half as much as I love you.'

My eyes widened, but he's not done. 'Do you know the self control it takes me to just not pull you in a hug and kiss you until you forget all this nonesense?' He says, still looking shaken by the fact I'd assumed he could leave without notice at some point. I guess my past wasn't the only one we had to talk about eventually. I gape at him, forgetting to pet Ollie for a second. Dear God, Mer, pick your next words carefully.

'Self control is overrated.' I say, my tongue once again losing the battle between my body and my mind. I surprise myself by getting up and sweetly sitting in his lap, wrapping my hands around his neck. This was the other side of saying the truth. It was helping me admit things to myself, when I was so used to just pushing them down. And right now, I'm not afraid of him. I want to be close. He takes that in for a moment, and then we both let out the tention from today by using our hands and lips to explore each other's bodies. He's wonderfully enthusiastic in exploring every curve, and yet, nit crossing the line of heavily making out. And it feels incredible for a long time. So long, that I almost get ready to start playing with the damn boundary myself.

But then, there is one boundary I really didn't have until recently and I struggle with rejecting the automatic reaction it elicits in me. His enthusiasm extends to exploring my breasts too, with his hands and lips, and right now my whole body is revolting when he gets there. I'd loved him doing that until recently so I try to ignore the feeling and nit show anything. Surely his whole honesty didn't include me telling him what coward I had been in that elevator. In the elevator and when...I let him explore with my eyes closed hoping he'd move to other parts of my body soon, but then he suddenly stops. My eyes shoot open.

'Why did you stop?'

He looks at me like I'm crazy. He's keeping me in the warmth of his lap with arms encircling my waist, but he's otherwise not moving at the moment, and I'm immediately sad about that development. 'You're crying.' He clarifies,clearing his throat uncomfortably and I touch my own cheek, surprised to find it wet. The realisation squeezes my lungs and I tense up. He gives me a soft kiss on the lips. 'Don't bolt please.' Shit. I breathe heavily, trying not to panic, and he makes circles on my back with his fingers, to try to soothe me. No questions, as promised. It's genuine. Loving. I bite my lip to keep a whimper from escaping. Pushing my feelings down is sort of a habit at this point. I hide my face in his neck, unable to cope. Dealing with Liam in my past is one thing. Thd way he makes me hate my body right now is worse. 'You're okay.' Derek is doing his best not to ask but I hate this with passion. Keeping quiet at this moment feels like choosing Liam over my relationship or any resemblance of a healthy life I'm building. 'Your muscles are in knots. Tell me how to help.' He's really doing incredible considering and I really, really hate myself. Does he think it's something else I forgot?

'I didn't forget.' He raises my chin so I can look at him and I blush deeply.

'What?'

I swallow. 'You hands, your lips, on my breasts, I didn't forget that i like it, your tongue making circles on my ni-' He raises his eyebrows and I curse. I should really get a hang on how much I talk when I'm upset. Or, when I'm around Derek.

'Please continue. Admiring my tongue skills is never something to keep to yourself...'

I blush deeply, swearing. He gets serious again. 'It's OK to say if you don't want something on a particular day. Touch, certain move, position, or all of it'. I can sit him elaborating for my benefit, so that I really accept what he's saying. Shit I wish he was right and all of this was just about my likes or dislikes in how he touches me. How long can I do this without totally losing it? My chest start rising again and I'm afraid I'll lose it soon if I keep having these secret encounters with Liam, which also sort of makes it sound like it's a choice. But I'm taught well how to keep my mouth shut. At some point, you teach yourself that, to survive. And it trumps every other human rule in any situation. Survival is more important. I breathe in and out, trying to reduce the way my skin is prickling just from thinking about this.`

Derek keeps me close, but he's stopped moving. He knows something is up, so I slide off his lap and sit next to him, leaning my head on his shoulder. There were two options here. I continue to dance around stuff because I can never trust he's actually attracted to me, but he won't hurt me. Or two, I accept that it's me and him, and for some insane reason he likes me as I am. But if I do, I can't measure every word I say like I always have. To some measure we always do this in life, and that's okay. You can't talk to your boss like you talk to your boyfriend, things like that. But in a relationship? I definitely had to relax a little more and stop expecting that I'll wake up and he'll be gone. And if HE IS, at some point, for any reason- because let's face it, how many relationships last the test of time?- then it better not be because I was dishonest. I want to know I've given it my all. And that I experienced all I could experince. Honesty. Right. I still want to punch whoever invented the concept and gave me permanent anxiety, but I'm going with it.

I'm not okay.' I tell Derek and he squeezes my knee soothingly.

'I know.' He says. 'But I'm glad you told me. Can I do anything?'

I shake my head negatively. First of all the whole Liam part is no longer about honesty, it's about survival, and I can't say anything yet. And second- I've been talking to Ben on occasion at work in a semi-truce kind of way- although obviously, I'm never going to FORGIVE him. But we aren't friends. Still, it's nice to be on good terms with collegues, not dread every day you see them. That is, until he casually dropped the bomb today, that with Christmas coming, Joye will come to town to visit his family and see them. Ben's still blindly ignorant to what that does to me. I was so stunned I said nothing. What was I going to say? I have begged him to believe me before and it did nothing at the time. That was over. This was now. It was just a collegue mentioning a friend visiting for 2 weeks or 3. So I say nothing and naturally with our job soon he has to go continue his rounds, and I stand for a while, thinking of nothing.

I can't say that to Derek. I have just promised to be honest, but this is not about honesty right now.

It's about figuring out how I'm going to cope and survive while they are both in town. I'm not sure what Derek or my friends would say, but I'm so used to listening to people, that I need this quiet. I need to figure out what I feel first, this time around. I also need to avoid feeling. I don't know what to do at this point. And I am not about to put my confusion on other people.

'Derek.' I say, knowing I'm definitely over the topic. 'Does it ever get easier? Being at an OR if you're going through personal drama and you can't concentrate?'

'I don't know, love. To me it's always been like an escape hatch. Fallout shelter. I cross that line into the OR and I'm in a different world. And the only time that wasn't really working I picked up my life and moved everything.' He reminds me, and it makes me realize no body is fully altogether and never messy in life. We all just deal in different ways. I wish I was the person dealing with fighting. I fought like hell that first night. Much good it did. And at some point I stopped and now I'm still trying to get out of this numb state. I really tried. I reported him wanting him out of the program. I did it more for the validation of my friends, but nothing came out of that. So I tried. So I keep telling myself. I've done what I could. What now? I can't avoid him every second, I can't always be with Derek or my driends, I can't report him without proof, I can't hurt him without fear or retaliation. I know people in movies like that grand idea that most bullies give up if you stand to them once. Might even be true. But Liam must've missed that memo. I know for a fact it just makes it worst with him. So what am I supposed to do? I talk and one of us ends up dead. Or I don't talk and really, I'm killing myself slowly.

And now Joye is coming. Of everything that can happen. This is what it's coming down to? Sure, not in the hospital, but that's not better. He's staying with them. He can stop by for lunch or pick them up in front of the hospital after work. And dealing with them one at a time? I'm coping. Okay, I'm surviving. Both of them? NO. I cannot.