A/N: I feel like Oda in the early years of One Piece because my pacing is all over the place, so I apologize in advance. Also, if the chapters are too long let me know likewise if you want more I'm happy to take more time writing this sucker out .

"All great changes are preceded by chaos"

-Deepak Chopra

Chapter 2 - Walls Closing In

I could feel the walls closing in on me. There is no way this was really happening. The whispers on the onlookers…the swarms of State Security Service officers…Matthew. This had to be a dream. No, not a dream. A nightmare. I could hear Sharron and Camille speaking next to me, but their voices were muffled. It was like I was underwater, drowning. I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe. But I couldn't show any of it. I couldn't show any emotion as they escorted the man that taught me everything I know away like a war criminal. Technically, he was. And so am I.

This wasn't like when Jimmy Hayward was arrested. They knew Matthew was dangerous. He wasn't leaking information. He was a killer. Somehow they found out that kind, gentle 60-something Matthew McMahon was actually an assassin. I spent the rest of the day wondering why him. The Secret Police had never come for a member of the Garden as far as I knew. We were the ones keeping Ostania safe from the Westalian radicals. We were the good guys. Right?

It didn't matter. With the Prime Minister Winsdor and Prime Minster Brantz about to sign an official declaration of peace and non-hostility, anyone found to not be part of an officially sanctioned militia force was branded a traitor to both countries. It was rumored the SSS were trying to shift hostility blame from themselves to others like Garden and other organizations that fought to bring peace to Ostania. There was also another rumor that there was another raid going on within the SSS to investigate high ranking officials of the Secret Police.

What would happen to the rest of the members of Garden? Shoemaker was sure to go silent, if not disband Garden all together. But what if it was too late? Would I have to leave Ostania? What about Anya and Loid? Would they come with me or would I have to leave them behind? Could I really put them in that kind of danger? Wasn't I doing that already? The idea of abandoning my family was more than I could handle. I waited until we left City Hall and ran into Yuri to let the gravity of the situation hit me. The fact that he can make things a bigger deal than they really are helped cover the fact I was worried about my mentor.

Things only got worse when I got home. Usually Loid would let Yuri's comments slide, but something in him snapped this time. He refused to be spoken down to and he definitely wasn't going to stand for anyone talking about his daughter. He was flexing his authority and dominance and it was kind of…sexy.

No! Stop it! It's Loid. We got "married" so he could get Anya into a good school and so I can keep killing people. God that sounds terrible no matter how you try to spin it. He is a good and decent man trying to give his daughter the best life possible and I came crashing into his life just to hide the fact that I'm a murderous spinster. Still, I cannot deny he is a very handsome and alluring man. In the time we've spent together, we have never done anything…well, sexual. That is until tonight…

I can't believe I got drunk off of a few glasses of wine and came onto him. I went to his room while my brother and friends were 20 feet away and tried to seduce him. He stood there staring at me with this blank expression. I must have looked like a fool. Then again, he did get…

"Ahh stop it!" I said slapping my cheeks over and over trying to get the memory of how Loid felt against me out of my mind. The thought of Loid…excited was…no! Stop it!

"Yor?" Loid called from the other side of the bathroom door. I was so distracted I didn't see that I knocked over some things off of the counter."Is everything alright in there?"

"Y…yes!" I stammered as I bent over to grab what I knocked over off the floor. Why am I so flustered?

"I thought I heard something fall. Did you need my assistance?"

"No! Don't come in!" I must have shouted louder than I thought because I heard another door open out there.

"What's going on out here?!" I heard Yuri yell.

"Nothing, Yuri. Go back to bed," Loid replied calmly.

"Don't tell me what to do, Loidy!"

I heard a heavy sigh come from my husband. "Goodnight, Yuri." His greeting was followed by the sound of a door slamming. The neighbors must think we're insane. There was a light tapping at the door followed by Loid's soft voice. "Are you sure you're alright in there?"

I took a few deep breaths. Was I ok? There is so much going on, am I really going to be able to hold it all together?

"Yes." What else was I going to say?

"Alright. I'll wait for you in our bedroom."

Our bedroom. We have never referred to it as ours. It was really Loid's. I was an idiot (and drunk) so I told Yuri he could stay with us because his place was flooded or something. When he went to his hotel and walked Dominic and Camilla home, Loid and I took that opportunity to quickly move my things into his room and turn my room into a guest room. I brought us very close to having our cover blown.

We didn't have to worry about prepping Anya. She was much quieter during dinner. She barely touched her food and just asked to go to bed once she was done. When I asked if she wanted to watch her cartoon, she just said no and slammed her door. I'm sure this had to do with her friend Damien. Donovan Desmond was arrested along with several other National Unity Party members today for conspiring to overthrow the Ostanian government and wage war against Westalis again. It was news that rocked the nation. Not even minutes later, the SSS were arresting people that worked right next to us. Questioning our best friends, our neighbors. I'll have to lay low until this is all over or my past catches up with me.

I took a deep breath and exited the bathroom. The apartment was eerily quiet with the exception of the light snores coming from Yuri's room. He had a lot to drink tonight so he'll probably sleep well tonight. I peeked into Anya's room. She was sleeping as well, clutching to her chimera doll with books and magazines scattered about her bed and floor. I tiptoed in the room, picking up the mess along the way. There was one magazine still on her bed, open and close to the edge so I know she must have been reading it before she fell asleep.

Cosplayer Marine takes World by Storm!

That was the headline on the article the magazine was opened to. Anya's friend Becky seemed to try to be a little more grown up for my liking. Loid made it a point to note how he didn't think it was appropriate for Anya to have the teen-centered magazines, but still she comes home with one every now and then. The girls are currently fascinated by something called cosplay - basically dressing up as your favorite character from a show, book, or game. Something people in less war-torn countries enjoy doing. There was a photo of a blonde teenage girl with pink tips holding onto the arm of a very nervous looking dark-haired boy on one side and the same girl but dressed up in what can be best described as a magician's outfit with bunny ears on the other. The girl looked like she was having tons of fun. The boy, not so much.

"Papa…don't go…" she mumbled in her sleep.

She must be having a nightmare. Her friend's father was just taken away and she must be scared the same will happen to her father. It's hard to believe that Loid Forger, widower and psychiatrist would be plotting to start a war. He's a kind, gentle, hard working man that loves his family. I've rarely seen him lose his control. Then again, he did tonight…

No. I can't think that way. Everything he does is for our benefit and well-being. Any woman would be lucky to have a man like him.

So why me? I'm not a good cook. I can't help Anya with her homework. Sure I can clean, but even that he's better at it than me. Once I stop being an assassin, I'll be home more and he'll definitely see I'm not fit to be his wife or Anya's mother.

He'll probably replace me with that Fiona Frost woman. I grit my teeth and clenched my fists just at the thought of her. She's a work colleague of Loid's that makes no attempt to hide the fact that she wants my husband. It was shameless! Not only did he have a wife, but he was also a father! That insufferable wench. How dare she try to take my family from me. They have a name for those kinds of women you know!

Loid is always reassuring me that I have nothing to worry about. He has been blocking her advances for a long time and has no intent on having an affair. But isn't that what all cheating husbands say? We aren't physically intimate and he does have his…needs. If I'm not performing my most carnal of wifely duties, who is to say he isn't fulfilling those needs somewhere else? He's never made those types of advances either.

My heart dropped at the idea of Loid sleeping with other women on the side. He's young, successful, and hot. I mean, good looking. He's…good looking. Women probably throw themselves at his feet. Why wouldn't he take them up on their offers? I've never even kissed a man let alone had sex with one. I wouldn't know how to please a man. I can make a man scream in pain, but not pleasure.

I shook the thought from my brain. No. Loid would never do that. He is the definition of a true gentleman. He would never cheat on me. Even if it was a ruse, he wouldn't ruin the sanctity of our marriage. Not my Loid.

I took one more look at Anya over my shoulder, smiling down at her before exiting the room quietly. I walked across the hall to Loid's room. He was standing on his side of the bed in a pair of blue striped pajama bottoms and a white t-shirt. He was leaning over to fix his pillow and pull down the comforter on his side, probably to get in the bed already. I saw the muscles in his back stiffen quickly as he stood up straight. He turned quickly to face me.

"This sneaking up on me thing has got to stop," he teased.

"I'm so sorry…I don't mean to," I stammered

He let out a low chuckle. "I'm just joking, Yor. I'm just…not easily snuck up on."

That is true. He's usually very perspective. One time, while we were at the park, he even caught a baseball that was headed straight for my face with one hand…while reading his newspaper!

We stood in an awkward silence for a moment. I became very aware that his eyes were on me.

"You, um, look ve…very lovely tonight," he…wait was he stuttering?

I looked down at what I was wearing. It was just my…oh no. I'm in my nightgown! I always change into something less…revealing in the morning. Here I am, standing in front of a man I aroused a few hours earlier in a black silk nightgown that barely left anything to the imagination! It's laundry day so I didn't have anything else to wear! What was I thinking?! He must think I'm insatiable. I crossed my arms over my chest and hugged myself in hopes that it would cover my cleavage up a little more.

"Um…Yor?"

"Yes?"

"That's not helping." He motioned to the chest area. I looked down and realized I wasn't hiding anything. I was just pushing them up and giving him more of a show. I let out a soft whimper, causing him to chuckle a little. He grabbed the sweater on the armrest of his chair and walked over to me. "Here. Put this on."

I reluctantly let go of my death grip on my own body. With my luck my breasts are just going to jump out of my shirt. Thankfully, that didn't happen. He helped me into his familiar beige sweater. I couldn't help but take a deep breath. It smelled like him. Duh, Yor. It would smell like him since it belongs to him.

"Thank you," I said, still feeling the heat in my cheeks.

"Is it too warm? Your cheeks are red. I have some t-shirts you can wear…"

"No, I should be ok."

He smiled at me with that signature Loid Forger grin. The one that only Anya and I had the pleasure of seeing. It was genuine. Real. It was…Loid. This is what made him easy to fall in…

"It's getting late; why don't we head to bed?" I can tell he was nervous.

We have never had to share the same bed while we pretended to be married. We never had overnight guests. Loid's friend Franky has stayed late before, but always went home no matter how late it was. Yuri would usually get really crazy and storm out. I never knew what that was about. But Anya's friend Becky would invite her to stay at her house overnight when they had sleepovers. This was a first for us. How far apart should we sleep? What if our hands touched? What if one of our hands accidentally ended up…somewhere they shouldn't be?

I walked around the bed to what was now my "side". I pulled the comforter down just as Loid had done. He was already slipping into the bed like everything was normal. He'd been married before me so he obviously shared a bed with a woman before. I felt like my whole body was trembling when I got under the covers. Oh. My. God. His bed was the most comfortable thing I have ever laid in. It felt like it was melting away any fear or concern I had or ever would have.

He sat up and made a weird motion like he was going to grab the sheets right below his torso, but stopped as if remembering something.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"It's nothing," he said as he laid back down.

"Are you sure?"

He inhaled and let the breath out slowly, his lips pressed together and his brows furrowed in thought. "Yea. I just…usually don't sleep with a shirt on."

I let out a yelp and jumped a little, hitting my head on the headboard.

"Yor!"

I tried to sit up and run the back of my head, but my hand slipped on the edge of the bed and I ended up hitting my head on the headboard again. "Ooo that hurts!" Loid quickly pushed himself up and reached over to examine my head. He touched a sore spot making me yelp again.

"Would you two keep it down in there? What could you possibly be doing this late?!" I could hear Yuri yelling through the wall. "Oh my God…are you two doing it?!"

"Go to bed, Yuri!" Loid and I yelled at the same time.

We could hear Yuri whimpering and muttering something about this being his personal hell. Loid and I just stared at each other for a moment before we both started to chuckle.

"Well, so much for romance," Loid joked. "I guess love making it out of the question tonight."

I giggled at his little joke. Yuri was being an ass so he deserves a little payback. "Oh darn, Loid, I was really looking forward to you doing that one thing you know I like."

"Which one?"

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" Yuri yelled.

We laughed again as we both fell back into our pillows. After a moment Loid propped himself up on his elbow, facing me. He reached over with his other hand and caressed the back of my head where I had hit it. It was still a little sore, but his touch oddly felt good. It was a simple gesture, he just wanted to be sure I was ok. When he pulled his hand away, I found myself missing his light touch.

"Goodnight, Yor," he said in the gentlest, softest voice I had ever heard him use.

"Goodnight, Loid," I replied with a smile.

His playful attitude reminded me of the night we stayed up playing spies with Anya. He seemed to let the weight of the world roll off his shoulders and allowed himself to be free. To be happy. I'm sure as a single father, he hasn't had much time to be carefree. He has had to carry the burden of both parents when raising Anya after his wife died. But now he had me. They both had me.

I smiled as I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep. Right now, I don't have to worry about anything that is going on with the SSS and their raids. Tonight, I get to sleep beside my husband.

"Hey Yor," I heard Loid call barely above a whisper. I hummed in response. "What is that thing you like?"

I can't believe this is happening. I don't even know how it happened. That's a lie. I know exactly how this happened.

"Hey Yor? What is that thing you like?"

I piqued his interest. I've been unintentionally coming on to him and he's taken the imaginary bait. One minute we're talking and now…now his hands and lips were all over me. Kissing me, touching me. My body felt like it was on fire, but I didn't want it to stop. This is it. I'm going to die a burnt up crisp in my fake husband's bed. But damn this is one hell of a way to go. My chest was heaving, my breasts pushed up against his bare chest. Our bodies were sweaty, our breathing heavy and labored.

Sex seemed like messy business, but all the things I'm feeling are worth it. His lips left a trail of fire along my neck while his touch made my body shiver. His hand traveled from my breast down the side of my body until he was gripping my high. Before I knew it, his hand was hooked behind my knee, hitching my leg on his hip.

"Are you ready?" He didn't even sound like himself. The cool, calm and collected Loid Forger wasn't the man hoovering over me. No, this man was filled with lust, desire and ready to take what he wanted. I nodded my head, letting him know I was ready for whatever he had planned next. I took a deep breath and in one swift motion he…

I shot up in bed in a cold sweat. My heart was racing and I was gasping for air like I had been holding my breath for an hour. I looked over to my left. Loid was laying on his back, on arm draped over his stomach fast asleep, not sweaty. Not shirtless. Just…asleep. His head was turned in the opposite direction, his mouth slightly agape. Definitely asleep.

I wiped the sweat off my face with the sleeve of Loid's sweater. It was just a dream. A dirty, naughty dream. I can't believe I had those kinds of thoughts about him while I was laying next to him. I buried my face in my hands and shook my head. What's wrong with me? I gently sunk back into the bed, laying on my side to face him. Silvery rays of moonlight illuminating his face. I reached over to move some strands of hair that had fallen in his face. My fingers lingered behind his ear for a moment as I watched the gentle rise and fall of his chest.

I pulled my hand back and watched as he slept until I drifted off myself. I really need to stop drinking.

The last few days have been hell. I haven't been able to look Loid in the eyes without fumbling over my words and feet. He must have noticed because he has been giving me the slightest bit of space when we're around each other. In public, we still acted like the perfect, loving couple, but at night, behind closed doors, I could feel the distance between us. I may have given him the cold shoulder, but the icy breeze was definitely coming from his side of the bed.

It must have been getting obvious to others because Yuri had asked me if there was something going on this morning. He seemed to be a little too excited about the possibility of trouble in paradise, but I told him it was only because we were embarrassed he had heard us the other night. Yuri went into another one of his frenzies and that was the end of that.

Outside of my troubles at home, the SSS has been conducting random interviews at City Hall. They were trying to make connections between Matthew and anyone that he may have been associated with in Garden. Millie had been interviewed. I knew she would be ok. Despite her teasing, Millie didn't have a bad bone in her body. Poor thing came back shaking so bad they sent her home. They sent us all home. This was really putting a strain on our finances.

I hope this is over soon. It's been a week and I haven't been pulled in to be questioned. I should be in the clear. Still, this has all been very nerve racking. As I was leaving, I suddenly remembered it was Tuesday and on Tuesdays, Loid and I got out for a lunch date. This was going to be the first time we were truly alone (minus when we're about to go to bed) since my lewd dream about him (that may or may not have become recurring). It was too late to try to call him and cancel. Plus, we still have to keep appearances. I let out a sigh as I turned on my heel and headed toward the hospital. People waved at me as I headed to the psychiatry department.

"Good morning Mrs. Cohen," I greeted his secretary when I arrived.

"Oh, hello Mrs. Forger," the older woman greeted with a smile. There was something about her smile that didn't seem right. It almost seemed…worried? "You'll have to give the doctor a moment. He's…occupied at the moment."

Occupied? I glanced at my watch. 11:57 AM. I knew Loid's Tuesday schedule better than anything. Our schedules were always so tight, I would make sure I got here at 11:55 so we would be back to walk me back to City Hall and get here in time for his next patient. I glanced in the direction of Loid's office and noticed the door was actually closed. He only closes his office door when he's doing his rounds or if someone comes to see him. I could hear muffled yelling followed by the sound of clattering.

Suddenly, the door opened and a tall, official looking woman with long strawberry blonde hair walked out of Loid's office. She seemed familiar, but I couldn't figure out where I knew her from. I felt her gaze on me as we crossed paths. This was giving me a bad feeling.

When I walked in, Loid was at his desk. He was slumped back in his chair, his chin resting on his fist as he tapped his fingers on the other hand on the arm rest. His brows were furrowed and he looked like he was lost deep in thought as he stared at something on his desk. I could see a broken lamp in the trash behind his desk. Something happened here.

"Loid?" I called.

He looked up at me, a startled look on his face. He shot up and sat straight in his chair. "Yor," he answered. I noticed the words "Official Summons" were printed across one of the papers. He folded the paper quickly and put it in his pocket. "What are you doing here?"

"It's Tuesday." Had he forgotten?

He shut his eyes and let out a sigh. "Damn it. I'm sorry. I forgot."

"Oh." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Loid Forger forgot? "Did you want to cancel?"

"No," he said as he pushed himself out of his chair. "Let me change my coat and we can head out."

I watched as he removed his white coat, paying special attention to how the muscles in his arms flexed under his shirt. A few improper thoughts came to mind and I felt the heat rising in my cheeks.

He was putting his jacket on when he looked up at me and saw me blushing. "Are you sure you're not coming down with something? You're red again," he pointed out.

"N…no. I'm ok. I just need a little water." An ice cold bath is what I need.

He nodded as he walked around his desk and headed toward me. "We'll grab some on the way out." Loid held his hand out, motioning for me to exit his office as he followed behind me, closing and locking his office door. "Maybe I should call for a car to take us to the restaurant."

"You really don't have to do that, Loid."

"If you're not feeling well, I'd rather…"

He was interrupted when someone cleared their throat to get his attention. We both looked up and I instantly was filled with anger. Fiona Frost.

"Dr. Forger," she said looking directly at my husband. "I need to speak with you."

"My apologies, Ms. Frost. It'll have to wait," Loid responded. "My wife and I…"

"It's urgent."

They glared at each other for a moment, almost like they were having a silent conversation. If they were, it was more like an argument because you could cut the tension with a knife. Personally, I knew whatever Fiona wanted wasn't urgent. She knew our schedule. She knew I would be here. I'll admit I've thought about "taking care" of her, making sure she never bothered us again. Then again I would probably be the police's first suspect. Plus Loid was good at deflecting her. He would never let a woman like her be Anya's mother. Then again, if he knew what I really did he probably wouldn't want me around Anya either.

"Ms. Frost, as I said, it will have to wait," Loid said through gritted teeth. He had a hint of irritation that he rarely let out. I jumped a little when I felt his hand on the small of my back. "If you'd excuse us, my wife and I have a lunch date." He started leading me down the hall, but stopped just past Mrs. Cohen's desk. "Mrs. Cohen, please cancel the rest of my appointments and redirect patient calls to Dr. Taylor. I'll be taking the rest of the day off. I'll be spending the rest of the day with my wife."

I could feel Fiona's glare stabbing me like daggers in the back. He pulled me a little closer as we made our way to the exit. I took exception joy in his motion. It felt nice to be this close to him and it was irritating that woman. Still, the exchange gave me the sense that there was something happening I didn't know about. Maybe everyone is tense because of everyone being arrested. If that's the case, the price of peace seems to be causing more chaos.

Our little cafe was a short 5 minute walk from the hospital. We first came here when I thought Anya had forgotten her PE uniform and we ran into each other on his way back from a house call. Since then, we came every Tuesday for lunch and sat at the same table and ordered the same food. As always, Loid pulled my chair out for me before removing his hat and jacket and taking his own seat across from me. He looked tired. It must not be easy dealing with difficult patients at work and my difficult brother at home. Then there's the awkwardness with me…

"I'm surprised you still wanted to have lunch with me today." His words surprised me a little.

"Why wouldn't I want to have lunch with you?" I want to spend as much time as I can with him.

He shrugged. "Well, it feels like you've been avoiding me the last few days. I figured I must have done something wrong."

Now I feel absolutely terrible. He didn't do anything wrong. My inability to control my sexual fantasies about him was the problem. "You didn't do anything wrong, Loid," I reassured him. Maybe I should just tell him the truth. "I just have a lot on my mind right now."

"I'm sure you do," he said sympathetically. "I can't imagine how terrified you must be with the SSS at City Hall everyday."

"Yea, it is scary. They pulled Millie in for questioning today."

"Oh no, is she ok?"

I nodded. "She's shaken up but I'm sure she'll be fine."

We were briefly interrupted when our server came with our drinks and food. I half-heartedly listened as the young man chatted with Loid. It amazed me how easily he got along with people. He was very charming. He was the kind of man you wanted to talk to. I guess that helps when you're a psychiatrist.

"Sorry about that," Loud smiled at me as the server left. "But seriously Yor, I know you must be extremely stressed out but you shouldn't be shouldering that burden alone. I'm your husband. You can lean on me and tell me anything. I'll always be here to support you."

"What was that on your desk earlier?" The words slipped out of my mouth before I knew it. I can tell you with complete confidence, he wasn't expecting that.

Loid's face went pale. "Excuse me?"

I've done it now. There's no turning back. "Th…there was a paper on your desk when I got to your office. I didn't mean to look, but I saw, well I think I saw, it said…official summons."

He stared at me, his usually bright blue eyes devoid of any emotion. It was as if he flipped a switch in his head. It felt like an eternity had passed when he finally let out a heavy sigh. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the folded paper I had seen him tuck away in his office. He looked at it for a moment then at me before taking a deep breath and holding it out to me.

My hand was shaking when I took the paper from him. "This document hereby serves as an official summons for Dr. Loid Forger to appear in front of an official inquiry panel for a formal deposition." I looked up at Loid who no longer was looking at me. "Loid, what is this?"

He didn't look up. "Keep reading."

"Dr. Forger is to report to the State Security Service office where he will be questioned in regards to a possible close relative or acquaintance being investigated for possible war crimes." This can't be happening. "Loid, please tell me what this is?"

I was begging at this point, tears threatening to spill from my eyes. But he wouldn't look at me. He kept his head down, playing with the ring around his finger.

"The State Security Service of Ostania and the Westalian government have hereby launched an official inquiry into…" My heart stopped. No…it was all over now.

"I wanna see Mama!" Anya demanded.

"I told you already, Anya, Mama isn't feeling well," Loid told his daughter.

We had cut our lunch short and came home. I went straight to bed where I've been all day. I know it isn't fair to my family, but I just didn't have the energy. I didn't have it in me to pretend that everything was ok when it wasn't.

"Papa is a liar!" I could hear Anya stomping her little foot.

"Hey, what have I told you about that? You're going to disturb the downstairs neighbors."

"I don't care! Papa is lying. Mama isn't sick. Mama needs Anya!"

I pulled the sheets closer to my body. I wanted nothing more than to hold Anya right now, but I also didn't want her to see me like this.

"Anya, please, I need you to calm down. Yuri, do you mind giving me a hand?"

"I do mind if you're going to keep me from my sister!" Yuri snapped.

Loid groaned in irritation. "Everyone just go to their rooms." Anya and Yuri both started shouting, but Loid stood his ground. "I SAID GO TO BED! End of discussion!"

Yuri grumbled some profanities, but it sounded like he was retreating to his room. There was a soft sound, almost a whisper.

"Don't worry, Anya, everything is going to be fine," Loid said. It broke my heart to hear the small sniffle I knew came from my daughter. "Go on now, it's late and you have school tomorrow. I'll tell your mother you said goodnight."

I could hear Loid let out a sigh followed shortly by the sound of the door open and the soft click of it shutting again. He didn't turn on the light, he let the room remain shrouded in darkness. I felt the bed shift as he climbed in beside me but I didn't move. The silence in the room was deafening. He had tried to talk to me earlier, but I didn't say a word. Not even when he tried to coax me out of bed with dinner and a bottle of wine. Sad feelings and alcohol don't mix, so I declined.

"Anya is worried about you, Yor. I'm worried about you," he said softly into the silence. "I know this is hard, but I need you to be strong. If not for yourself, for Anya. I promised I would protect you and I intend to keep that promise no matter what. We will get through this. Together."

I felt a few tears run down the side of my face. "Loid?" I shouldn't do this.

"Yes, Yor?"

"Could you…do you think…" Don't do it. You're not a child. You're stronger than this.

I could feel him shifting his weight in the bed. "What is it? What do you need?"

You have murdered countless men and women. You are the Thorn Princess. You don't get hurt or sad. You are the strongest assassin in Garden. "Do you think you could…hold me? Just for tonight."

He didn't say anything. He didn't move. I didn't even hear him breathing. If I didn't know better, I would have thought he left the room. I knew this was a bad idea. You're in a fake marriage, Yor. He'll hold your hand in public for show. But not here. Not in his bed. Why would he ever…

My internal berating was interrupted by the sudden shift in weight in the bed and his arm draping over my own.

"Lift your body a little," his voice was low in my ear. I used all the willpower I had to keep from shivering.

I did as I was told and lifted my body from the mattress just enough for him to slip his arm under me, enveloping me in his arms. The warmth coming from his body was comforting. Like a setting summer sun, surrounding every inch of my body. I felt safe, protected. It was as if his body was telling mine that it was ok to let go. It was ok to be vulnerable.

An overwhelming realization overtook me. I haven't been vulnerable since I was a child, before my parents died. I had to be strong for Yuri. I've tried for so long to appear to be unfazed by everything going on around me. I felt something I haven't in a very long time: fear.

I was truly afraid. Afraid of being exposed. Afraid now that I couldn't be the Thorn Princess, I don't know who I really am. Would I have a place in this world? In this family? I was afraid of losing my family; of losing Yuri, Anya and Loid. But most of all, I was afraid that I'd never feel this safe again. I don't remember the last time I felt actual, genuine fear, but I couldn't escape it now.

The walls were closing in on me, threatening to crush me under tremendous pressure. It was getting harder to breathe and my chest felt like it was caving in. I could feel my body shaking uncontrollably as tears started to freely fall from my eyes. There was ringing in my ears that got louder and louder. I couldn't take it.

Loid's arms tightened around me as he pulled me closer to him. He wasn't saying anything. He was letting me let the weight of the world escape me. Every tear, every cry…every feeling I had in me, he was letting me get it all out. I could have spiraled out of control, but he was here, holding me to keep me on this earth. Keeping me from losing it all. I graped at his arms, scared if I didn't hold onto him he would be gone too.

I could feel his forehead gently press into the back of my head. "I'm here, Yor," he assured me in a soft, gentle tone. "It's going to be ok. I'm here."

He repeated those words over and over. I knew things weren't ok, but somehow he made me feel like they would be. His voice was the last thing I heard as I drifted into the abyss, allowing a whole new set of nightmares to come for me as I slept.