"I had all and then most of you
Some and now none of you"

- Lord Huron

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I can feel my body floating in the air. My eyes are closed and there is a darkness that is enveloping all around me. I feel myself falling slowly towards a bottomless pit, seemingly with no ending in sight. Carefully, I open my eyes to look from up above me, where there is an aquatic type of movement in my vision and a single light source far away from me. Its like I am slowly drowning in an ocean, where all I can do is let my body descend slowly further and further away from that orb of light from way above beyond. I reach out my arm towards that light, as if in some feeble attempt to try and catch that light inside my hand..

But it's no use.

I am drowning and I cannot save myself.

Soon, I hear a voice whispering in echoes all around me, prompting me to frown in confusion.

"You're an idiot."

I gulp, not feeling the pain of drowning at all. I'm not sure if I'm able to breathe at all at this point, but I watch as the light above grows smaller and smaller the more I sink towards the bottom of this ocean. I hear nothing else for a while, not even my own breathing or the sound of water that should be bubbling inside my eardrums. But after a while, the voice comes back echoing again.

"Are you retarded or something? Serious question."

I grunt, recognizing that it is my own voice. The same things I have said for what feels like a hundred years ago. When have I said this, and to whom? Who am I calling an idiot and a retard to? The orb above me now looks like a pinprick of light trying to cut through this ocean to reach me.. but the more I float down, the less it is able to outstretch it's warmth towards me. I can feel myself feeling the iciness of this darkness now, helpless to the void's heartless cruelty.

The voices become meaner this time.

"You and me are worlds apart and you will never step foot into my life or in my issues."

I close my eyes, grunting.

...

I get it now.

I know what all of this is.

These are..

These are all the things I used to say to Soujiro.

My eyes open and widen softly at this realization, and soon I feel myself shaking as the voices become louder and harsher.

"Goodbye, Soujiro. Go be a little creep some where else."

"Why did you moved here from Tokyo? What is it about this place, and my high school, and my fucking friends, and me specifically, that you find so interesting? Why are you trying so damn hard to win my approval? Why us? Why me?!"

I shut my eyes, hating how the screams are itching inside of my ears now.

It hurts.

"Why the fuck are you at the convenience store so late at night? Did you fucking followed me there?"

"You really have some balls for being daddy's rich kid. Do that kind of shit again, and I promise that you will want to move back to Tokyo once I'm through with you. Got it?!"

I try to take a breath, but I instead feel something constricting my throat. As if the ocean is saying, don't even think about it.

Unless you feel like drowning.

"Fuck you. I never asked for your help, or your money. You wanna be with my friends? Fine. Just don't talk to me anymore if it can be helped. Cause I sure as fuck don't need you in my life."

"To hell with that! I'm never going to say I'm sorry to someone like you!"

"Get your Fatal Attraction ass off of me!"

I grit my teeth, hands now over my ears.

Make it stop!

"Are you a homo or something?!"

"Don't touch me. Don't you ever, touch me again!"

"It's just bullshit. Do you like to just do whatever the fuck you please just because you're rich?"

Make it stop already!

My hands both reach out, trying frantically to reach out or to try to swim upwards, to no avail.

"You're a coward."

And then, I feel it: the pain of water coming into my windpipe. I choke, but I don't hear anything from my own lips. I wrap my neck helplessly with my hands, trying to stop myself from drowning.

"I said get the fuck out of here, you hear me?! Don't you ever come near me again!"

I shut my eyes painfully.

"Why don't you go back to your daddy and tell him to give you more money to behave like the Godless slut that you are?"

My eyes snap open, bubbles floating up and covering my vision.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Get out of my life, Soujiro!"

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Hah!" I gasp and shoot upwards, sitting in my bed now with a cold sweat beading down my face. I pant and look around, seeing that I am in my bedroom now. It's still dark out. What a horrible nightmare. The drowning felt so real and the voices were too realistic. My breathing slows down and I look down at myself, unable to see much except the faint outline of my blankets covering my body. I am all alone and the moon is still set on the horizon, signifying that it's either very late in the night, or very early in the morning.

I check the time on my phone just in case. 3:47 AM. I groan, switching off the screen.

My head hurts.

Suddenly, my heart drops as I realize something. It's probably out of late night delirium, but I nearly spring out of my bed and clumsily rush over to my desk, ripping open the bottom drawer. I grab the sides of the bottom to reveal the hiding place of the USB stick, which is still right where its supposed to be, glinting quietly in the dark. My breathing is erratic and now my sweat feels warm on my forehead. I sit back and tilt the back of my head backwards, sighing in relief.

...

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Did I really think..

...

No.

I open my eyes, staring at the ceiling above me. No. He's still asleep. That, I'm sure of it.

And..

There is no way that he knows that I'm hiding this from him.

I sigh and place the false bottom on top of the USB before shutting the bottom drawer close. I stand up and walk on over to the bed, reaching my hands over the blankets when I halt my movements. I realize, maybe I should pay him a visit. Just to check on him. Just to make sure that he's sleeping soundly and that he's got everything he needs in his room. There's nothing wrong in peeking, right? I quietly open my bedroom door and close it silently behind me, the hallway nearly pitch black. Would it kill my dad to maybe buy some night lights for the hallways? I can't fucking see!

Still, I brave myself to move into the void of darkness, knowing my way around my home after living here for so many years

I open the guest room door in silence, happy that we've got the hinges fixed before Soujiro moved in here. I'd hate to explain myself if my boyfriend woke up and accuses me of being a creep in the middle of the night. With my phone in my hand, I turn on the flashlight app on it. I carefully lift my phone so that the light can fix itself on Soujiro's lower body at first, before letting it slide upwards slowly so that I can see the rest of him now. He is sound asleep, with the most gentle, peaceful expression on his face.

Even when he is fast asleep.. Soujiro is still the most beautiful boy I've ever seen in my entire life. I sigh softly, moved by his beauty.

I watch him, the light casting a pale, golden glow on his face. To think that this is the guy who spent a year planning to meet me.. It is beyond nonsensical. I understand finding someone cute online and cyberstalking them because you have a little crush on them. I get that. But Soujiro really took it too far. In his world, he thought that he was just hungry to have angry sex with me because I apparently represent the life he's aching to have: a life without rules, a life without shame, and a life without guilt or feeling repressed. I was always the guy who eschewed social norms when they don't make any logical sense to me. I was always the asshole who called like it is.

But maybe it really was that deep for Soujiro. Maybe he really did fell in love with me from the start, but wanted to pretend that that's not what's happening. Because to admit to it would be too painful. I smirk, shaking my head at these thoughts. Oh, Soujiro. You really are something.

He stirs in bed, groaning quietly with brows knitting together now. Aw, crap. I bring the light down on his lower chest now, wondering if maybe the light is bothering him now. I don't want to wake him up. I keep looking at him, letting thoughts play in my mind once more. Taking classes online with him is honestly so strange. Being home almost all the time now with him by my side is wonderful, yes, but I wonder if he misses going out. I close him eyes, grunting. Of course his dad has to also fuck up yet another thing that brings Soujiro joy: the happiness of being out and about in public, without any fear.

Fuck that man. Seriously.

I open my eyes to finally switch my flashlight on my phone off, deciding that I should get to bed now. Even though it's great that I don't have to worry about waking up so damn early in the morning to catch the bus ride to school, I also like my beauty rest. I turn around and take a step towards the door, when I hear the faintest voice calling out from behind me.

"Kenshin.."

My heart drops into my stomach, freezing. I stand there for a moment, unsure if maybe he's awake or is probably dreaming of me. I turn my head mindfully to look over my shoulder towards the bed, where I can see a dark figure now sitting upright on it.

Oh, fuck.

I gulp, smiling nervously despite knowing he probably can't see that from here, "H.. hey, Soujiro.."

Silence.

"Bad dream?" Soujiro's voice is so delightfully soft and silky when he's tired. I let my eyes shut softly, enjoying it's loveliness. He's so beautiful in every single way, from morning to night..

It's maddening.

I turn around completely, ".. Yeah."

It's quiet for a moment, and then I hear the blankets shuffling around. Soujiro mumbles, "Come sit here with me for a while.."

Oh, baby. I smile softly before I walk on over to where he is, joy radiating throughout my body. Being in love is the best thing in the world. I've had strong feelings for other people before, like Tomoe and Kaoru. But it's nothing compared to this. I get in the bed and shift myself appropriately so that I can now wrap my arms around Soujiro's shoulders, letting his head rest on my chest.

He smells so good.

"Are you warm?" Soujiro kisses near my throat, laying his arm over my stomach to get more comfortable. There's butterflies fluttering about inside my body from his affection.

"Yes," I kiss the top of head lovingly, ".. Are you sleeping well?"

He nods, snuggling against me, ".. What did you dreamed about?"

"I was.. I was drowning.."

".. Yeah?"

"Yeah.."

A pause.

"There's got to be more than that.."

Man. Soujiro truly knows me. I scoff, shaking my head. The guy's got to be clairvoyant at this point.

"There was. I was.. I was drowning, and I kept hearing my voice from outside of my head saying all these messed up things towards you. All the things I used to say when I wanted to hate you. It was awful and I.. and I didn't know how make them stop.."

There is a pause of silence once more as Soujiro thinks carefully of what to say next.

"You've got some pretty morbid dreams, Kenshin," Soujiro sighs, lifting his chin up so that he can kiss the corner my lips gently, "If it makes you feel any better, though.. I don't think about the bad stuff you've said to me in the past. Because I know you only said those things out of anger."

"Yeah.. I know.."

"And because you hated how much you wanted to bang me since day one."

I can hear the smirk in his voice when he said that. A self righteous, arrogant smirk. I smile and chuckle, shaking my head, "You're an ass."

"But you know," He circles something on my chest absentmindedly now, trying to quiet down his own chuckling, ".. The fact that you dreamed of that.. means you are feeling sorry for the way you used to treat me back then."

"I guess I am still guilty, yeah.."

I am doubly guilty for the crime of lying to you about the USB stick now, too.

I wonder how many more nightmares I'll have just for that one.

"Kenshin," He leans upward again to kiss me fully on the lips now, "I forgive you. I love you. We're together now. Let's forget about the past. Okay?"

I sigh happily, hugging him tightly, "Okay, honey.."

Soujiro makes me the happiest boy in the world.

We cuddle for a little while longer. Being in bed like this with Soujiro always makes me feel like I'm home at last. I don't think I've ever remembered a time when I felt like I could ever come home. When I think about the word home, I think about a stable family inside a nice house, with siblings and maybe a pet somewhere in the picture. A home where I am sure that my parents will always love me. It's the place everybody aches to come back to what they want to return from work or school or even a nice vacation from another country.

But I haven't felt like I was home here with my dad because he became a drunk. I didn't have my biological parents for most of my life, and I never felt safe in any way.

But now..

But now with this boy holding me and kissing me and telling me how much he loves me..

I think I'm finally home, at long last.

"I don't want to go.." I hear myself mumble.

Silence. Soujiro sighs sadly, ".. Yeah.. I wish you would stay.."

We hold each other for a few moments, not wanting to let go. It took so much of my strength to force myself to get myself away from this safe world that resides in his arms. I slide out of the bed and crouch down to tuck Soujiro back in, making sure he is nice and warm for tonight. I can feel the iciness of winter creeping up slowly on my skin, and I have no doubt that we will see snow before Valentine's Day arrives.

It's only a matter of time.

I kiss his forehead, "Goodnight, love."

"Goodnight, Kenshin.."

I promise you, Soujiro.

That you will get the USB stick back.

I just..

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Light from the morning sun sneaks into my room with a softness that I have never experienced before. I grunt as I scrunch my eyes, blinking them open carefully. What time is it? I suddenly feel that there's something heavy right next to me, and I turn my head to see that Soujiro is lying there, still sound asleep. Oh, good god. This guy is here? Seriously? He can't stand to be away from me, can he? I scoff quietly under my breath, rubbing the sleepiness out of my eye. I move my arm attentively over his head to reach for my phone to check the time, and its nearly eleven.

Crap. Guess I overslept a bit. That might actually explain the visitor next to me. I quietly set my phone back down on my nightstand before snuggling closer to my beau, kissing his forehead, ".. Hey."

He groans and moves away from my lips, but then nearly slaps his arm and leg over my body to bring himself closer to me, "Mm.. whu..?"

I snigger, "Bro, get up, it's morning."

He stretches his body lazily, rubbing his own eye with his fist to try to wake up from the drowsiness, "God, you.. you kept me waiting..!"

"Huh?" I lean my cheek against the top of his head, trying to quiet down my sniggering, "What, like, in your room? I'm sorry.. I was tired."

He grumbles, his eyes peeling open with reluctance to glare at me, his hair wild from the two beds he's been in so far, "Asshole."

I chuckle, "I'm sorry! Don't tell me you can't start the day without me!"

His glare softens down into a sad look now, nearly on the edge of pouting, ".. No. I can't."

My heart weakens at this. I gaze at him while running my hand on his upper arm, "Soujiro.. are you serious?"

His face reddens and so he hides it from me by burying it into my chest, "Shuh uhhp!"

I stare at the rest of my room, blown away at this admission. I was always the independent one in all of my relationships, both platonic and sexual. I was never the one to worry about where someone else was or what they're thinking about too deeply, because I always took things casually and without much thought. It's not that I don't know how to be a good friend or whatever, but I was always the cool headed one in the dynamic; probably because I felt I really had nothing to worry about, and because I liked having my space.

I lost my usual coolness around Soujiro, but it was because I felt him trying to keep me at arm's length when I knew that we loved each other. I didn't wanted to lose him. I still don't. But now I have Soujiro here in my arms, who just admitted to me that he can't be normal unless he can see me in the flesh. If this was some girl back then that I was simply banging, I would have run for the hills.

But now..

With him..

God, I just feel both bad and good.

He loves me.

Soujiro really, really loves me!

I wrap my arms around him, kissing the top of his head now, ".. You're adorable."

He rubs his face into my chest, as if shaking his head negatively at this and silently telling me to be quiet. I smirk.

".. I love you, Soujiro."

He doesn't move, and I feel his hand clutching the back of my shirt hard.

I repeat myself gently: "I love you, Soujiro.."

Silence.

He finally leans back so that I can see his face again. His eyes are tinted red and are now glassy. I stroke the side of his face with my hand, surprised by this, "Soujiro..?"

"I.." He whispers, closing his eyes, "I can't stand sleeping away from you."

I deflate. Poor guy. I know that maybe dad has a good reason to separate us like this. But it hurts to see Soujiro like this at the same time. I do think that Soujiro's not doing too well with being alone since he now has to navigate the world without his father in it; we're not even sure yet if his mom is going to be mentally well enough to take him back into her life. Just like me, he won't have both his parents to stand behind him.

And so, I completely understand.

"If you want," I shift my body so that I can rub my forehead against his, our eyes peering into each other deeply, "I can talk to my dad and see if he can let us sleep together."

He snorts, "Yeah right. He won't agree to that."

"Why do you say that?"

He gripes, "Because.. because he's just like most people.."

"Excuse me?" I frown, taken back by this.

"You know what I..!" His voice gets louder for a second there, but then reels it back to a whisper to control himself, "You know what I mean, Kenshin. Just.. uncomfortable with people like us."

My heart weakens again. Oh. I see. Even now, once everyone knows about the nature of our relationship, it's still a lot to take in at the fact that someone like me—the guy who was always seen with a girl by his side—is now openly in love with another guy. And that the other guy, is someone who can't even date girls without feeling miserable, or that something huge was missing.

I wonder if maybe my dad wants us to sleep in separate bedrooms is because, subconsciously, he is trying to find a way of easing into the idea that he won't be able to see his only child go on to marry and have a normal family like everybody else. I grunt at that thought, gripping Soujiro's sleeve at that painful realization.

Maybe there is something to Soujiro's inner turmoil over this.

"Well," I start to sit up in bed, looking down at the now sadder Soujiro as he looks up at me, "If that's the case, then I'm going behind his back so that you can always sleep right next to me."

"Huh?" He frowns, "You're saying that.. that you're going to lie to him?"

I nod, "Yeah. You're way more important than his rules."

His face softens back up to a quiet surprise, and then he smiles widely, "Kenshin, I.. I love you. Thank you."

I smile back at him and run my fingers through his chocolate locks, "I love you too. Let's get up and do some studying. Maybe we can get the guys or even the girls to come over and visit us."

Soujiro sits up and kisses me innocently on the lips, nodding, "Yeah. That sounds nice."

I promise you also, Soujiro..

That I am always going to make you happy.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I'm the best liar in the world.

Not only do I get to still play dumb when it comes to the USB stick, but I also have to give into Soujiro's wish of being able to sleep next to me during the night as well away from my father's eyes. The next few days were spent making sure that my dad doesn't catch us in the act, which proves to be more nerve wracking than I suspected. Studying and playing house with Soujiro feels as good as usual, and once Saturday morning came, we hung out together during the day time playing video games and other shit before getting he gets ready for his friend's tea party.

"Are you sleeping over there as well?" I chuckle in a teasing manner as I watch him getting dressed back in the guest room now, "'Cause if so, I honestly can't believe it. Aren't her parents home?"

"Nah, they're out for this weekend," Soujiro finishes tightening his belt and primps in front of a full length mirror to do an outfit check, "And to be honest, I do want to sleep overnight at her place. I love being here with you, don't get me wrong, but.."

"Yeah, I get it. No need to explain," I walk on over to peck him on his temple, "It's good to just see your other friends too sometimes."

He sighs, "Kenshin, you are really the best boyfriend I ever had. I mean it."

"I don't deserve that title. You do."

He wraps his arms around my neck and kisses my lips, pressing his body against mines. If he's in the mood for a quick fuck, then okay! But he separates his lips from mine and snickers at my expression, already reading my mind, "Tomorrow. You can bang me all day tomorrow. But I gotta get going."

.. Fuck.

I sigh in defeat, "Fine."

He giggles airily, and I fight all urges to lunge after his lips with my own. He's such a tease and he knows it.

"But hey!" He turns around and checks his duffel bag to see if he has everything for the sleepover tonight, "I bet you're also going to have a great sleepover at Yahiko's place tonight as well. How long has it been since it was just you three?"

I shrug with a smile, "I guess it's been a while. Nice to have it be just the three of us so we can be as gross as we want without you getting offended over it."

"Well," He smiles from over his shoulder, "Offensive as a joke, I'm alright with, but I don't want you guys doing anything weird."

"Weird? Like what?"

"Oh, you know.. like.." He looks uneasy for what he's about to say next, ".. I don't know. Talking about having sex with girls or something."

"Huh?" I blink once, "So.. you don't want me talking about girls?"

He grunts, "It's not like I never want you to talk about girls ever again, it's just that.. I don't want you thinking about other people like that. I don't want you talking about guys you think are hot either, you know?"

I had to laugh, "Oh, I get it. Jealous much?"

He turns around to face me fully with an annoyed tone, "Am not!"

I put my hands up in a mock defensive tone, "Alright, alright! I won't talk about people like that. I'll only talk about how much I worship you."

"Good," He sighs with a relieved smile, turning back around to continue on his little duffel bag project, "Just behave yourself."

"I will."

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Kenshin uses his dad's pickup truck to drive us both over to Sayo's place. She lives quite a bit a ways from Kenshin's countryside borough, but we manage to get there on time. It's about to be five in the evening, and I wanted to be the first to arrive early so that I can help her out some. It's the gentleman in me to want to lend a helping hand; Sayo's been nothing but amazing with her unrelenting support over my relationship between Kenshin and I.

She lives in a smaller mansion than the one I used to live in, but it is absolutely charming. It it surrounded by many acres of private land and it has it's own gate to keep intruders out. Sayo was kind enough to text me the code so that we can get into the gate before we start driving onto the pebbled driveway. We drove around a beautiful fountain to park right next to a set of stairs that leads to the front door of the mansion. Before I arrived to Kyoto, surely Sayo had to be at least one of the few students to have this much money. I got them all beat by a long shot, but it does make me wonder why her parents couldn't afford to send her off to a more prestigious school with all this money they have.

Maybe she has her own story.

Maybe, just like me, it had to do with a boy.

I smile, the car door opening to see Kenshin with his hand out to help me climb out. He closes the door behind me and I sigh, "Wow. This place sure is something, isn't it?"

"Yeah," He scoffs while making sure the truck is locked while shaking his head, "Fucking ginormous."

I chuckle, "There you go again."

"What again?" He sneers at me, hands outstretched, and then points them up at the mansion in front of us, "All I said was that the place is huge!"

"Yeah, but not beautiful. Not gorgeous. Not any other possible combination of words to describe it's beauty."

He sighs, hands falling limp on his sides now, taking his time to place them back on his hips to squint up and take a good hard look at it. I watch him, waiting. Finally, he nods, ".. Yeah. It's nice. It's really.. nice."

I laugh under my breath, "Well, that's a start."

He sighs, "Sorry. I'm just.. I'm just not into looking at rich people's stuff. Especially after everything that's happened with your dad, and.. yeah."

"Yeah. I get it."

Silence.

"Well," He lends me his elbow, smirking, "Shall we, Madame Bijou?"

I roll my eyes, "You're such an idiot."

He sniggers, but I ignore him, taking his elbow and letting him lead me up the stairs with him to get up to the front door. It felt like forever ago when he made fun of that Titanic movie, and how I mentioned how much my mother loved watching that movie when I was growing up. To have him reference that now, though, makes me want to smile secretly to myself. I wonder how many more inside jokes we'll get to have together as a couple.

I love this.

I love being in a relationship.

Especially with him.

I knock on the door and we both wait. I take a sneaky peek at my lover next to me, taking mental note of how handsome he is even now while he's looking a little uncomfortable of having to once again make nice with the upper class. I have to wonder about what will happen in the future. If my father does go down for his crimes and I continue on with my studies in law, would Kenshin be happier that I'll end up with far less money than I started out with? I'm sure I'll make quite a decent living as a lawyer, but it'll be a far cry from the billionaire status I used to have back then.

What if I end up with a huge settlement from my dad going down? What if I somehow inherit the Seta Enterprise and can do whatever I want with it? What about the trust fund he talked about when I was younger and how I'll get it once I graduate university? How much will that be, I wonder?

I'd probably still end up as a multi-millionaire, at the very least, if my dad goes to prison.

But..

Would that still bother Kenshin at all, somehow?

Living with him in a house that looks like it's been built a few decades before either of us were born, with a dad that got by just by being a police officer, meant a lifestyle that I am not accustomed to. It was quite the culture shock the very first time I stepped foot inside that old house. And although I tried my best to not look unimpressed or disgusted with the quality of it, I think Kenshin could still tell that I wasn't too wow'ed by it, either.

I didn't mean to look that way towards him.

It was more like..

I just know that Kenshin deserves to live a much better way than that.

He deserves a wonderful life.

And I'm going to stop at nothing until I can get him there.

The door finally opens and I see Sayo Amakusa, dressed in a feminine floral dress that shows off her shoulders and legs with her hair done in a nice updo for the occasion. She's wearing subtle makeup to keep up with the mood for the tea party, keeping it understated yet still fashionable.

"You came!" She smiles brightly at us two, "I'm so glad you came! I was just getting ready to set up the table for the finger sandwiches!"

"Oh, I'm right on time to help out, then!" I beam at her right back, "You remember Kenshin, right?"

She smiles at my boyfriend, "But of course! Are you just dropping him off?"

I watch as Kenshin nods with a grunt, not knowing what to say. So I filled her in before it got too awkward, "Yes, he's my driver. He'll pick me up in the morning once everyone else has gone on home so that I can still help out if you want."

Sayo waves her hand at me now, "Oh, don't bother! I will be having my boyfriend over tomorrow and he's more than happy to help me. But I appreciate the thought!"

"I'm gonna," Kenshin grimaces slightly, taking his elbow back shyly, "Head out back to the truck. Just text me later if you want, okay?"

I gape at him, caught off by his sudden mousy behavior. But I guess it can't be helped. Sayo was the reason why he felt the need to jump straight into that fake relationship with Kaoru. To see her up close like this again is probably giving him some flashbacks.

"Oh," Sayo tilts her head at him now, "Well, are you sure you don't want to stay for a while and have a cup of tea?"

He shakes his head, "Nah, I'm good. Thanks."

"He's gotta get back to his homeboys," I tease, trying to lighten up the mood, "But don't worry about him. Let's get the table set up?"

Sayo nods, "That's fine. See you later, Kenshin!"

He grunts again and walks off. We both watch on as he casually goes down the stairs with his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket, looking just as bad ass as the day I first laid eyes on him. Oh Kenshin. What am I gonna do about your social skills? I shake my head in disbelief as he gets into the truck and drives off, leaving me alone with my friend now.

"Well," Sayo starts in, scoffing, "He doesn't seem happy to see me!"

I look at her with an awkward smile, "It's.. a long story."

"Oooh?" She smiles at me deviously, "Care to fill me in?"

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

God, that was mortifying.

I finally arrive at Yahiko's and was promptly let in by his mom. She asks me how I've been doing these days, and if I wanted a cup of tea. Just while I wait for Yahiko and Sanosuke to come back from their little trip from the convenience store. I had to laugh at the weirdness of that question, but waved off her question when she asked me what was so funny. She sets the kettle for the tea while I sit at the kitchen table, and a few moments later, Yahiko and Sano comes barging in.

"Yo, Shinding!" Sanosuke gives me a high five as a form of greeting, "Hope you're hungry!"

"What're we eating for dinner?" I blink.

"Guess!" Yahiko mocks me playfully but then shrugs, "My parents are having dinner elsewhere, so I'm thinking we can order in?"

"Let's do pizza?" I grin like a petulant child.

"Solid." Yahiko nods and whips out his phone to go through his apps.

"Hey, Kenshin," Sano sits on the opposite side of me now, "Me and Yahiko wanted to know how things are going with Soujiro living with you and all of that."

I shrug, "It's going fine, y'know. He's settling in nicely as far as I'm concerned. Taking online classes is the shit, though. I don't have to deal with everything that sucks dick in school. Like taking the bus."

Yahiko snickers, "Yeah, or look at the ugly ass teachers."

Sanosuke is now laughing, "Ch'yeah, or getting naked to shower for gym class. I don't wanna stare at some naked fat ass."

We're all laughing now, and I feel so at ease again. Being at that mansion of Soujiro's friend felt like Déjà vu, to be honest. It feels weird having to deal with Soujiro's old life like that, and how he used to lavish me with luxury just to be able to sleep with me on the down low. I vow to never live like that again; I'd rather live an honest life, with people who care about me for who I really am. The fact that I'm here in this kitchen, still talking to my old friends like this.. it feels like a miracle that shouldn't have happened in the first place.

But it is happening, and I'm happy to have my bros back.

Even after all of my sins I've committed since October.

"Tea will be ready soon," Yahiko's mom comes back into the kitchen and sets out the tea box and sugar, "Yahiko, finish this because I have to go with your father now, but please behave yourselves. I don't want to have the cops called on any of you again like last time."

"Oh, man, that must've been like, what," Sanosuke grins as he stretches himself over on the chair behind him, "Two or three years ago? That was so nuts."

"And so very stupid," Yahiko's mother scoffs, "I'll be out now. Behave."

"Yes, mommy." Yahiko shrinks and she walks off, a set of footsteps abounding in the next hallway.

"Yes, mommy!" Sanosuke mocks him, and the shorter male punches him on the arm, prompting the taller one to hit him back, "Ow!"

"Quit it," I roll my eyes, "They'll be out long enough for us to light up now, right?"

Yahiko sniggers, "Yes, sir!"

"Then let's head up." Sanosuke gets up from the chair and I follow him behind while Yahiko finishes up with the tea to bring it back upstairs for me.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Wow.." Sayo shakes her head, "That is one crazy story, Soujiro."

I sigh with a shrug, "Yeah. It was insane."

She and I are just done finishing the table with the tea pot, the finger sandwiches, the scones, and all the other edibles to go with the tea set as I recount the story of how me going out with her prompted Kenshin to ask Kaoru out and me goading him to essentially cheat on her with me. Even now as I go through the details of the story, I realize how absolutely horrible I've been to those two when they clearly don't deserve it; The way I messed with Kenshin's mind with my constant lying and my push-pull dynamics. The way I destroyed Kaoru's confidence by letting her know that the one guy she's been crushing hard on for so many years doesn't think she's worth committing to. The way I nearly destroyed the friend group just because I was such a two-faced, lying, promiscuous bitch.

It's enough to be disgusted with myself.

...

Kaoru..

We almost broke up because of you. I almost lost Kenshin entirely to you too, once upon a time, when he agreed to be your boyfriend. I couldn't admit to me being in love with Kenshin because then it meant having to come to terms with the fact that I couldn't be the son my father always wanted. But to do all of that to you isn't worth losing your friendship at all, in the end.

It's crazy that I am saying this now, but..

I miss you. I miss our friendship.

I miss how the others brighten up whenever you came into homeroom to greet us all. I miss how you seemed to keep Kenshin in check whenever he gets too testy with everyone. I miss how kind you were towards me, and how you always wanted to fix all of your friends' problems, even if it has nothing to do with you. I miss how smart and ambitious you are and how great you are at math. I miss shopping with you. I miss gossiping and giggling with you.

It's no wonder Kenshin had a crush on you. Maybe if I had been born differently, I would've probably had a crush on you, too.

But now.. now I just miss being your friend.

I hope that wherever you are right now, with a new boyfriend and the future you are working on.. that you are in a much happier place now than back then.

The rest of the evening went on wonderfully. Guests are slowly coming through and soon the entire place comes alive with warmth, laughter, and chatter. There's girls here that I'm not too familiar with, but Sayo is kind enough of a hostess to make sure we all have something to talk about. Soon I've made a couple of new friends and I'm having a wonderful time.

We had dinner in the large dining room and are served divine dishes that could compete with what I used to eat back when I lived with Father. Later on, we had tea, desserts, and our tiny sandwiches to cap off the night.

"Oh, Sayo-oo!" One of the girls smiles deviously as she takes something out from behind her back, revealing an incredibly large bottle of wine, "Mind getting us a couple of glasses for us?"

The other girls appear shocked, though a few seemed giddy at the prospect of getting into a drunken frenzy this weekend.

"You brought wine?!" Sayo blurts out, "Tell me that wasn't one of your parents' collections!"

"Aw, who cares!" She unscrews the top, "They have so many bottles, surely they wouldn't notice this one going missing!"

Sayo looks at me uneasily, "I'm.. I'm so sorry, Soujiro, I didn't plan for any of this!"

I chuckle, "It's fine. I'll stay sober and watch over everyone if you like."

"Nonsense!" This girl comes marching right up to me and thrusts the bottle at me, "Pour yourself one and relax! You look familiar. Are you the gay one that Sayo talked about?"

"Nina!" Sayo whispers vehemently at her now, "What're you doing?!"

I step in before it gets too heated, "Yes, I'm the gay one, that's right. It's lovely to meet you, Miss Nina."

"Ah! Finally, a gentleman!" She tosses her long blonde hair over her shoulder arrogantly, "Let's have a toast. To a love that knows no gender!"

The girls whoop together and I turn to Sayo with a wink, ensuring her that everything will be okay. She softens her entire body at that look of mines, deciding to relax for now.

Let's just hope it doesn't get too crazy here tonight.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"God fucking dammit," I grumble under my breath as I walk down the street around a few hours later after Yahiko starts up the glass bong, "They came back from the convenience store with fuck all!"

The skies are now dark and the street lamps turn on to signify night time. When my friends went out earlier, they only brought a sleeve of cookies and a regular size bag of potato chips. And a case of soda. Because why not. Idiots!

The shitty part about smoking weed is that eventually, you're going to crave way more than those three things, and so they pleaded me to go out and get more grub since they're too lazy to do so. I sigh, shoving my hands in my jacket pockets as I keep my eyes straight on ahead.

It's a good thing I look scary with my usual outfit and menacing scowl. People are smart enough to stay away from me as I walk past them and try not to bother me.

I may have gotten a bit soft ever since meeting Soujiro, but I'm still going to be a bad ass motherfucker no matter where I go.

I smirk at that thought, but then it slowly dies away.

Soujiro..

I hope Soujiro is doing okay. I'm glad he gets to spend time with his own friends. I know that getting away from his dad was for his own good, but it's definitely not without it's own traumas as well. Having to find out so many dark shit about your family members is never fun, and I want to make sure that Soujiro feels at home with me despite everything that happened.

He deserves to have fun.

I go inside a mini mart store. I don't come to this one at all, so I take my time scoping out the place to get a feel of it. I manage to find the snack aisle and have a look around. Thankfully this store is large enough to have a bigger selection of different snacks, so I grabbed a whole bunch of things into my shopping basket. I figure I'll spoil my friends for tonight for letting me have this much fun.. and of course, for all the shit I put them through.

Maybe it's time to leave the past behind me.

I look through the magazine section for a bit out of boredom, scanning the different titles and ignoring the patrons who walk behind me to get where they needed to go. I finally see from a section way below, the sleazy side of this rack. It has magazines with covers full of scantily clad women on there, and censored bars are taped over some of these women's bodies, such as when they are top naked and so on.

Back then, these were just the kind of smut I used to buy and bring them back home to look at. But now that I have a boyfriend, I know it's no longer appropriate.

Still, some of these women look amazing.

I sigh, letting my eyes trail over when I see something that surprises me: boundless magazines of young men in sensual positions, some of which that have covers with two men standing next to each other and smiling suggestively at the viewer. Judging by the titles, they look to be catered for homosexually-inclined men. I feel myself freeze up as if caught red handed by the entire store now, so I don't dare move a muscle as I let my eyes look at these pictures quietly.

One of them nearly looks exactly like Soujiro.

He has these bright green eyes and a dark beauty mark next to one of them, though. He lies naked on a bed, his hand conveniently covering his dick away from the viewer as he bites his lower lip in a sweet yet sexy fashion. I gulp, feeling my bottom half stiffening.

Okay, time to go before I embarrass myself with a boner!

I slowly straighten myself up and turn away from that magazine section to find a place to check out my shit. I head towards the self-check out lane and get down to it. I glance over my shoulder to see that some of the other customers are using the traditional check out lanes so that they can talk to the bored cashiers. Ugh. Don't they have better things to do? I roll my eyes secretly to myself, opting to just focus at the task at hand.

"Your total is 3579.17 yen!" The robotic machine chirps at me, "Please insert your card!"

I do what it tells me to do, and wait as it processes.

And then, like a sign from the heavens above, I hear something from behind me that I never thought I would hear in a million years.

"Tell your parents Haruta and Koshijiro I said hello, Kaorusan."

...

Kaoru?

My entire being stiffens at what I just heard, staring straight ahead in a shock. I.. I didn't.. I didn't just hear that. Did I? I carefully and slowly turn my head to look over my shoulder again and see, in a couple of rows over, the cashier smiling at a young woman with long dark hair. This girl is wearing a sensible outfit that screams Kaoru: a beige sweater with a nice pair of jeans, sensible ankle boots, and her hair tied in a side braid. The girl does a half bow and that's when I hear her voice.

"I will. Thank you, Suzuki."

I grunt, my eyes still wide and deeply shocked at this turn of events. It really is her. I could recognize her voice from anywhere. My lip feels dry and a cold chill runs through my spine. Thankfully, Kaoru has her back turned towards me and so she doesn't see me as she makes her way down and out towards the doors to get out of the store, the faint bells ringing waking me up from my trance.

...

I shouldn't.

...

I really shouldn't..

...

Wait..!

I quickly grab the bags and nearly bolt out of there, suddenly determined to go after her.

Kaoru.

Kaoru.

Kaoru!

I haven't..

I..

I'm so sorry..!

The bell rings as I rush out through the glass doors and pant from that short running stint, seeing her just up ahead walking onto the street. What is she doing here? Is she maybe visiting her folks for a bit? Is she seeing Megumi and Misao? Is that why they told us guys that they're too busy to see us tonight?

I inhale and take a few steps towards her and, seeing that she's a few feet away from me, begin to call out with a loud, yet gentle tone of voice, "Kaoru! Wait!"

The dark haired female figure stops, and takes her time turning around to see who it was that called after her. Seeing my red hair and leather jacket, her face immediately pales all over, and her eyes widen with fear.

Oh, Kaoru..

...

Do you really hate me that much now?

A gentle gust of wind blows past us, and I watch as her side braid bristles slightly in the air, her mind still trying to deny what she's seeing before her. We don't say anything for a long while, and in that moment, I look at her as I recall how we met. We were six years old and my mom was still alive at the time. I think this was around the time she's had enough of my real dad and decided to separate from him; she started getting help from the people in her life, including and especially my now father, Hiko. Kaoru and I were way too young to know it at the time, but we soon became inseparable. It was like somehow we knew we were meant to stay in each others' lives forever, no matter what happens.

When mom passed away, Kaoru was there.

When I dated and more or less got dumped by Tomoe, Kaoru was there.

When I grew up as a moody teenager and started lashing out because of my stepdad's drinking.. Kaoru was there.

And now that I am coming to terms with falling in love with someone I shouldn't have because of how Japan looks down on people like us.. Will Kaoru still be there?

I look at her. And she looks back at me. There is a silence that hurts my heart the longer it goes on. For all these years, I've known the exact way Kaoru would speak, how she sounded like when she laughed or even when she cried. Her voice carried me throughout life for so many years now. It almost seemed ludicrous back then that I would soon find myself in a world where I simply won't be able to hear the sound of her voice anymore.

I regret it all.

I regret the way I treated you.

The way I tossed you aside, and took our friendship for granted.

...

I..

"I.." My voice trails off and her body stiffens with unease, "Kaoru.."

She shuts her eyes and decides to swiftly turn around, mumbling incoherently, "I-I'm! I'm sorry..!"

She starts to walk away with her shopping bags gripped by white knuckles, and I take a couple of steps forward hurriedly, "Wait! Kaoru! Don't go!"

She stops abruptly from walking away, taking me by surprise. Does she.. does she want me to explain myself? Reconcile our friendship together? Put the past behind us? I blink, unsure of what to do next, but I put on my brave face and take a few more steps forward as she carefully turns back to look at me.

"Kaoru.." I make sure that my voice stays gentle as I approach her, ".. How.. How are you?"

She blinks rapidly, as if she can't believe what she's hearing. How is she doing? Why would anybody ask her that, she's probably wondering. Her eyebrows frown deeply at me and she takes a step back, not liking how I'm taking a step too near towards her. I'm not that close to her right now, but I guess more than six feet apart is her preferable distance now.

It feels so far away from me.

But maybe this is what I deserve.

I smile at her awkwardly, deciding to keep talking, "I.. I'm guessing you're hanging out with Misao and Megumi tonight, huh?"

She's still quiet, watching me like a prey trying to predict the predator's next move. She knows better than to suddenly bolt and flee since I'll be quick enough to catch up with her anyway. I've never been the sporty type, but all of my friends could very well tell you that I'm a swift runner and can react quickly when the time comes for it. She is still gripping the handle of her shopping bags, and now I can tell there is a slight tremble in her grasp.

I feel my smile falling at that. I take a deep breath, sigh, and try one more time, ".. I hear you're going out with someone else now. I'm.. I'm glad to hear. Really."

At that, her eyebrows soften and she blinks once, surprised that I seem peaceful with the fact that another guy gets to be with her romantically. If I could guess it, I wonder if maybe her dating my ex-girlfriend's brother would've made me so upset that I would end up never speaking to her again. Kaoru always took pride in her good girl image, so to have that stain her name would probably be the last straw for her.

But here I am saying, that she's still a good girl, and that she deserves to be loved, even if I hurt her badly back then.

Because she does deserve to be loved.

It could have been me, if I hadn't met Soujiro.

But..

I'm fine. I'm happy with this ending. Really.

I smile at her gently, and her lower lip hangs, caught off by this development. She is quiet for several moments longer before she relaxes her entire form and looks at me carefully, from my shoes all the way back up to my face, ".. You look.. well."

I tense up with a beam, "Oh. Thanks. You look.. great as well."

Her face is now completely relaxed, though she refuses to return the smile. She looks me up and down swiftly one more time before she turns her head to look at nothing in particular, ".. I am going out with someone, yes.."

"Enishi, right?" I nod, and her eyes flashes back at me with curiosity, "He's a great guy, I hear, so I'm super happy to hear. How long has it been now?"

".. A few months," A whisper of a smile threatens to form on her lips, and so she fights it and blinks her eyes downward to keep her distance from me still, ".. I suppose.. you're still with him. Right?"

I grunt, the silence dipping into an uncomfortable new low. Now I'm the one blinking my eyes down the ground with guilt as my hands tighten to fists to keep calm, ".. Yeah. We're still together."

Silence.

The crinkle of the plastic shopping bags is heard as she shrinks into herself slightly, "Ah. I see. Well.. that's.. that's good to hear."

My eyes flutter up to look back at her, and she is now looking at my mid section with a blank disposition. I don't know how to decipher that look on her face, but I'm guessing she's finally come to terms that I will never return her feelings that she's been harboring for me for so many years now. It's enough to make me want to cry, to be honest. She never deserved to suffer, and yet she has. She was always the one who tried to be happy with what she has in her life, no matter how small or insignificant other people might find them.

But for once, she wanted to wish for something more. Something bigger. Something that seems impossible to attain. She wanted me to love her and to be with her for life. She wanted me to be her boyfriend, and maybe possibly become her husband someday. She knew me for so long and it probably gave her security in knowing that it has to mean that we were meant to be.

But..

Life isn't that simple.

In the end, love has a funny way of showing up in ways that you never thought possible.

...

Maybe in another life, it could have been her.

My heart clenches painfully at that thought, watching her. She is still looking at my mid section hollowly, and I look at her face with more apprehensiveness than I started before. I guess I'll always care deeply for her and for her well being. She may not be my soulmate, but she was a close friend of mine. She displayed more loyalty than some person's pet dog these days. And for that, I hurt her.

I could have been a better friend to her.

I could have made better choices.

I could have been a better person, overall.

...

She looks up at my face finally and mumbles, "Well.. Goodbye."

I look at her, stunned. She turns around and starts walking away, and my kneecaps starts to buckle. Goodbye? What did she mean by that? Does she mean goodbye for now, or goodbye as in forever? At that thought, my eyes widen in fear and I lunge forward, doing something I really shouldn't.

Kaoru freezes the second I grab her wrist, stopping her from walking on anymore.

I open my mouth, and then close it. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to say what I need to say. I look at the back of her head and know that this is the moment that I have to try and say something before she walks out of my life permanently. Her and I running into each other like this has to mean something in the end. But why?

...

Maybe this is what is supposed to happen so that I can finally trust Soujiro completely. Maybe I need to close this chapter in my life and have Kaoru see us in a different light so that Soujiro can feel like he can be himself, and for me to step up and be better as a person. Of course. Kaoru turns around to look at me, with an expression on her face that is a cross between confusion, and slight irritation.

She opens her mouth to say something, her hand that I am grabbing slowly turning into a fist, so I beat her to the punch, "Kaoru.. I'm sorry for hurting you. I regret doing what I've done to you. I hate myself for what I did to you. Because.. because you were always the most important friend in my life."

Her fist pauses for a moment, and then loosens, her face now fading into a more emotional one. Her lower lip trembles and her eyes waver as she looks at me. I look at her back solemnly, meaning every single word I just said. She suddenly grits her teeth and looks away angrily, but I start in again gently, knowing she needs to hear this before she leaves, "Kaoru.. Thank you. For being the most amazing girl I know. For being the friend I never deserved to have. For being you. I'm sorry."

Her face softens, looking back at me. And with a sudden gasp, she whispers, "Was it worth it?"

I look up at the skies, the stinging heat behind my eyeballs threatening to show themselves to the girl I've cared for for basically my entire life, ".. No. It wasn't worth losing you."

We were quiet, and soon she couldn't hold herself back anymore. I hear her weeping. I shut my eyes too, keeping my tears behind my eyeballs. Because in the end, I don't deserve to cry. I don't deserve to repent or feel guilt or even have her forgiveness. I realize that now. I let go of her wrist and I hear her behind closed eyes still crying into her own hands, and we both realize a painful truth: Even if Kaoru forgives me, and even if I continue to try to move past this with Soujiro.. our friendship will never be the same again. She will never trust me like she used to, and I will never get to come close to her without her wanting to move away from me. We will never have moments of raw closeness as close friends like we used to, and I will never again get to experience the warmth of her kindness towards me.

I will forever be the ex-boyfriend that she must remain cordial with, but to keep at a distance from.

It's funny, isn't it?

Back then, I took Soujiro's distance from me to heart. I did everything I could to breach that distance and to make us come closer. But in succeeding that, I had to destroy this bond with Kaoru completely.

Now I have to make friends with the length of Kaoru's arms as she will continue to push me away for the rest of her life.

I open my eyes softly and see her wiping the tears from her face. At that moment, something must've struck her face, because she scrunches her nose and takes a moment to look up and around with a frown. I blink, and look up also, and realize what is happening.

...

It's snowing.

We both gape at the skies together in perfect silence, watching as snowflakes slowly fall from the clouds and trailing onto our world now. I've waited for snow since the better half of December and January. Hell, I waited for snow as early as the summer before I ultimately met Soujiro. To find it happening now as we are both facing a terrible truth together feels like yet another sign.

But what could it mean?

I look back down at Kaoru, and she instinctively lowers her chin to look back at me. We look at each other for a few moments before I smile at her gently, ".. Let's take a walk together?"

(To be continued)