"Tugging a rhythm to the vision that's in my head
Tugging a beat to the sight of you lying
So delighted with a new understanding
Something about a little evil that makes
that unmistakable noise I was hearing"
- A Perfect Circle
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[Meanwhile, a few hours ago.]
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Around an hour after Kenshin dropped me off of my friend's house, I close a bathroom door behind me with a sigh. God, girls can be pretty wild once a bottle of wine gets passed around! I had to pull apart two girls from getting too combative with each other, and Sayo was getting overwhelmed by all the messes that the other girls were leaving behind. Not to mention the weirdness of walking into two girls kissing each other and them laughing at my red face as I fumble myself out of the room. I'm glad that there's more people like Kenshin and I out there here in Kyoto, but at the same time, it makes me feel some type of way once I'm all alone again.
...
I miss him.
I miss my boyfriend.
I am now standing in a bathroom here in Sayo's house. I had to get away from the ruckus and have a few moments to myself before I get too stressed out from it all. I look around me to take in the way this bathroom is decorated, a sort of baroque style that they must've hired a decorator to do so. I smile, enjoying the sight of it. It feels bad that I'm even thinking about this, but I sure miss living in nice places like this.
I just know that, when all of this is over, I am going to make sure Kenshin can enjoy living nicely like this again.
It's why I'm so worried about his educational future.
My smiles fades at that, looking at the floor pensively. I know better than to believe in miracles; not everyone was born with the same privileges as I do when it comes to things like money and social prestige. Father taught me that we are one of the select few people here in Japan who can get into any place, any time, all on his dime. And if you are not born into it or somehow made rich because of sheer luck or success, then of course you won't be able to live in luxury without eating into your savings or credit cards.
I know that.
That's why I'm trying so hard to get Kenshin to focus on his studies so that he can stand a fighting chance in getting into a nice university. Especially along with me. A school where he can have a nice private room with me and where he can still eat like a king.
I don't know if this is a big wish of his, or mines. Regardless.. I'm helping him get there.
Even if I have to go to some crummy safety school with him for a couple of years before we can get transferred out into a better one. Even if I have to live like a modest peasant.. I'll do anything for our future.
Kenshin..
I wonder what are you up to now. Maybe you're busy playing video games with Sano and Yahiko right now. Maybe you're goofing off and talking about the times the three of you got in trouble with the police back then. Maybe you guys are passing around stories about the girls you used to get with. I bite the inside of my cheek from that thought, fists curling and then relaxing them. No. I shouldn't jump to conclusions like that. Kenshin is a good boyfriend. A great one, in fact. He's done things that almost no boy his age would ever do for me.
He loves me and he shows me this everyday.
I have no reason to doubt him.
I splash some cold water on my face from the bathroom sink, sighing into my hands. Even though I am still careful in how I use my smartphone on account of my father still possibly having access to the stored data on it, I wish to the gods that I could take cute selfies with it to send it over to Kenshin right now. I wish I could call him and hear his voice, just so that I know he's okay.
Or even.. send him racy photos of myself to him.
Just to surprise him.
...
Fuck it, let's do it.
I take out the backup phone out of my pocket. The one that Kenshin gave me not too long ago to stay in contact with him when I was grounded by Father. The camera on it is not as good as the current model smartphone I possess, but I think it'll do for what I'm about to do. I turn the camera application on it and see from the small screen the grainy quality taking in the rug on the floor. This phone is older than I am, and it shows. I turn the phone around so that the camera can see my face, just to get a feel of it.
...
This might be trickier than I thought.
I set the flip phone down on the sink counter and quickly take off my belt to loosen the hems of my jeans and boxer shorts down to my thighs. My little friend downstairs peaks out and I look at it, wondering if it'll be a good picture. But then I decide to touch it a little, just to get it hard. All I had to do was think of a certain redhead. I get to work, stroking myself, trying to feel myself up. I close my eyes and think about the sex I've had with him. The way he looks, the way he sounds, all of it. How great his dick feels inside of my hole. I gulp, feeling a shiver up my spine as soon as the threat of an orgasm looms overhead, and I stop. I look down and I am satisfied with the state of it now, before I take the flip phone and point it downward.
What I would do just to have him here in the bathroom and get me off.
Fuck.
Anyway.
I look at the phone screen. Hmm. Maybe this is too weird of a photo. I doubt he'd like it from this angle. How do people take racy photos back then? I turn around and the answer is staring right at my face, gaping at me in the mirror. Oh! That's right! I smile and point the phone's camera towards the mirror, and there on the screen I can see my entire self. I get to include both my face and my boner!
I do a simple pose of curling a finger over my bottom lip, my eyes peering in a sultry manner into the mirror the same way I would if I could suck his dick right here, right now. I press the button and hear it make a mechanical click, and there I can see the result.
Wow! I think it looks great! He's sure to love to see this!
I open up the text message application on it and send it to Kenshin's number with the following note: miss me yet? ;)
Sent.
I exhale, the skin of my face feeling warm all of a sudden. Wow. That was a crazy thing I did just now. I sure hope I don't regret this in the morning. I chuckle, flipping my backup phone close with a clack. I pull up my jeans and tighten my belt again, washing my hands before I head back out into the jungle world of girls who are enjoying their fleeting youth.
I hope Kenshin likes what I had sent him.
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[Meanwhile, a few hours later.]
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Kaoru gapes at me like I have completely lost my mind. I know exactly what I just asked her. All she has to do is say yes and accept my offer, or no and reject it. If she picks the former, then maybe this will be my final opportunity to let her know how much she means to me as a friend after all these years. If she picks the latter.. then, at least, me asking her this same exact question will stay in her mind for the rest of her life. I can rest assured that we can go our separate ways, knowing that at least I gave it an honest chance to work things out between us.
So.. Kaoru.. What will it be?
Will we be friends?
Or will we have to be strangers for life?
...
"I.. I ca.." Kaoru shuts her eyes, turning her face away, opening her eyes to frown at the street corner with a glare now, "I don't think.. Soujiro would appre—"
"—He's not here, though," I dare myself to interrupt her, taking one brave step towards her and prompting her to look at me with wide eyes, "Is he?"
She stares at me openly, taken back by my boldness. I'll admit, even I'm surprised by my own audacity. What fucking right do I have here? I dated her just to make someone else jealous. Then I cheated on her with that same person. I let the other person seduced me to fuck him behind her back, to top it all off. I have no right to even ask to go on a walk with her right now, especially since her boyfriend might be waiting for her somewhere.
Kaoru grunts and she frowns at my shirt, ".. No. I guess.. I guess he isn't. But.. Won't he mind?"
I chuckle, "Man, Kaoru. You haven't changed, have you?"
Her eyes flicker up at me in surprise again, "What..?"
I shrug casually with a shoulder, "You're always thinking about other people. About how they feel or what they would think. And honestly.. Sometimes it's okay to just take or do something for yourself if you know that you don't have any bad intentions. Right?"
She grits her teeth and suddenly hisses, "You have some nerve to say all of that. All you've ever thought about was yourself!"
Ouch. Well, she got me there.
Still, I close my eyes, my smile not budging from my face, "You're right. I was terrible. I still am. That's why I want to make amends with you. Even if you never want to speak to me again after tonight."
Silence. I wait patiently for her reply.
"Kenshin," Her voice hitches and I open my eyes in surprise, concerned that she's going to cry all of a sudden, "It's.. It's different now. Everything has changed. I have a boyfriend, and so do you. We shouldn't be talking together like this. It wouldn't be fair for either of them."
"Does your boyfriend mind?"
"What?"
"Would your boyfriend Enishi mind," I repeat myself gently, taking one more step towards her, her body stiffening from this, "If you play catch up with an old friend? The old friend that knew you since you were a baby? The old friend who, by all accounts, definitely doesn't deserve to even stand in front of you like this tonight.."
She looks at me, floored by all of this.
I continue, ".. But that old friend.. regrets everything he's done to you, and wants to at least part ways amicably? Wants to fix the old group dynamics, so that you won't have to continue hiding your face from our other friends anymore?"
She is quiet, her eyes wavering as she looks down on herself, reflecting the words I am telling her right now. I watch her pensively, knowing that maybe I am pushing my luck, and that I am being a bit of a dick head right now. But I'm sick of this. I'm sick of feeling like Kaoru has to hide around and act like a mouse just because she worries about running into me or Soujiro. It's not fair that Soujiro gets to openly hang out with my old friends, while Kaoru has to make appointments just to see or speak to any of them without my knowledge.
Kaoru honestly deserves more than Soujiro does, just based off of history.
Kaoru carefully lifts her eyes to look at my face, looking so much smaller than I am used to with the way she is bowing her head shyly. Finally, she mumbles, ".. I.. I guess.. We could take a walk together, then. Just for tonight, though."
I smile, "That's fine. Just for tonight. Thank you."
She grunts, her cheeks blushing. It's hard to admit this, but I do think, deep down inside her heart.. She will always have a soft spot towards me. I hate that I can't return these feelings because I'm so in love with Soujiro right now. But.. I do love that she used to feel such strong feelings towards me, once upon a time. Growing up, I always thought that Kaoru could do so much better than me. She could date any guy she wanted; a guy who could actually make her parents proud, and a guy who can be at her level, academically speaking. I was always the guy she had to worry about, and she was always the girl who seemed to do so much better at life than I am.
There were times when I would envy her, and times where I just wanted to kiss her and make her mine, out of a selfish wish that I could be at her level someday.
But of course, another guy swooped in and helped me get better, just because he had his own selfish wish to dominate me.
And just like that.. he and I fell in love.
At the expense of this poor girl's heart.
Kaoru.. For this, I will always hate this side of me. Always.
She and I take a moment to look at each other before we start walking together side by side, the night air crisp with the snow that continues to fall lazily on us. We walk together in silence for a while, passing by street lamps and corners and different buildings, and I look at her from the side quietly. Kaoru hasn't changed much, though I can tell she's much colder towards me than she usually is. She was never one to assert herself strongly in the past at all, but.. I think now, because she's dating a guy who has no problem being confident and sure of himself, she now seems to have an icier aura to her that I have never experienced before.
She keeps her eyes straight ahead, almost as if ignoring me and trying to keep this strictly business. I blink once, and then I smile softly to myself. The fact that she's able to let me walk by her side is good enough for me, to be honest.
"How are your folks doing?"
Kaoru snaps out of whatever she is thinking about and turns to me with a puzzled look, blinking before she looks straight ahead again, "Oh. They're.. good."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
Silence.
"Has anything changed since I last been to your place?"
"Well.. my dad finally found a new job."
"Really? That's great!"
Kaoru finally smiles, still refusing to look at me, ".. Yeah. He's really happy."
A quiet moment passes us by.
"You know," I look at the skies as we continue to walk on, "When I hid at your place months ago because I was sick with that hangover.. he called your mom to reassure her that he didn't find the burglar. But then he talked about how much she doesn't like it when you spent time with me, or any of us."
"What?" Kaoru finally looks at me again, looking surprised by this news, "He said that?"
I nod, "I mean. Honestly, looking back, he's in the right for being so concerned about you. We love having you as our friend, Kaoru, but let's be real. We're not exactly model citizens."
Kaoru grunts, looking guilty about this and she looks on ahead again, "I don't.. care if they don't like you guys.."
I chuckle, "I'm guessing they're happy about your new friends now?"
She turns back towards me, suddenly defensive, "Oh! It's nothing like that at all!"
I laugh, "Dude! It's not going to hurt my feelings! I don't care if they hate me, especially if they know I broke your heart. They do know.. right?"
She hesitates, her cheeks reddening as she looks at chest sadly, ".. Yes.. they know."
Silence.
"Oh," I keep my eyes straight ahead, feeling out of place all of a sudden, "I see."
More silence.
"But," She sighs, "Even though they're happier now that I'm living in Hyogo with my aunt, and going out with a different group these days.. They know I miss my old friends. They know that I still miss.. being here in Kyoto.. and going to same school I've always gone to with you guys.. They know how unhappy I am, deep down.."
I look at her, grunting, "So then.. You miss Kyoto that much?"
She nods, not adding to it anymore.
"Kaoru," I blink, "You don't have to stay with your aunt anymore if you don't want to. You're an adult now that can do whatever she wants."
She sighs quietly, her shoulders drooping, "I know. It's just.. I feel so weird being here at the same time. I know that Soujiro's probably not going to be happy to see me—"
"—You don't know that," I interrupt her, prompting her to look at me again, "And besides, he always talks about how much he misses you and wants to fix things with you, but he doesn't know how. He wants things to go back to how it used to be, before he came over to fuck everything up. You have no idea how much your absence bothers him."
She frowns and chuckles, as if not believing what she's hearing, "Really? He's that upset over me being gone? Sounds hard to believe. If I had succeeded in making some guy want me instead of his own girlfriend.. I would be more than content to never see his ex-girlfriend ever again. But then again, I'm never the type to do that, so.. Maybe I don't know how that feels like."
I smile, "You're definitely not the type to do that. So I'm willing to bet that you'd want the ex-girlfriend to feel comfortable and happy again."
"I just," Kaoru shakes her head, "I just can't help but think that I'll only be in the way if I do come back to Kyoto. And it's not that simple as just packing my stuff and go. I have to finish up my studies at the new high school now. It's too late to transfer back here."
I deflate, "Yeah. That's true. But what's not true is you being in the way. We want you back. All of us. Including me and Soujiro.. especially the both of us."
She is quiet, contemplating. And then she looks at me with a frown, "You promise he wouldn't be mad if I visit Kyoto more?"
"Kaoru!" I laugh, "By all means, show up at the next group gathering! Valentine's Day is coming up, right?"
"I.. yeah?"
"So then, why don't we all do something awesome around Valentine's Day? We're actually trying to set Sano and Megumi up because we think they love each other more than anything in the world, and we already have Yahiko going out with Tsubame."
"Are you saying.. that you want me to bring Enishi around here to see you guys?"
I nod, "Yeah! It'll be great!"
She stares at me, so shocked to see me actually being excited and trying to plan a way to get us all to get along again. What can I say? I miss Kaoru. I miss her friendship and I know the gang wants us to be normal again. Maybe we're not meant to be romantic partners, but I want to think that we can still stay friends in spite of everything. She looks straight ahead again, this time with a smile that looks very relieved by hearing all of this, somehow.
"Then.." She looks at the skies with a beam, "Yeah! Let's do it! Let's do something fun for Valentine's Day!"
I smile happily, "I'm glad you agreed to it, Kaoru."
She turns to me, her smile making me smile even wider now, "Kenshin.. Thank you."
"Huh? What for?"
She chuckles, shaking her head solemnly, "Just.. thank you for not letting me walk away from you tonight. Up until now, I seriously thought that you were almost happy that I'm gone and away from you and Soujiro. I thought that seeing my face would just, keep ruining your day, and make you not want to hang around with the gang if I kept showing up. But to know that you miss my friendship this much.. it means a lot to me. Just like it always meant everything to me.. So.. Thank you. Really."
I stop and she stops also, looking back at me curiously. I look at her, my throat constricting and feeling an emotional heaviness inside my chest. I bravely shake my head, my voice nearly breaking now, "Kaoru.. How could I ever be mad or let it ruin my day if you kept hanging around us? Seeing you always made me happy. It will always make me happy no matter what, actually. You are and always will be, the closest girlfriend I've had in my entire life. I can't even feel safe with Tomoe like I do with you."
Kaoru looks moved by all of this, with the way a certain glassiness starts to show up in her eyes. She quietly lets me continue.
"What I've done to you.. the disgusting things I've done against you.. I didn't do those things because I hated you, Kaoru. Or because I thought you somehow deserved it. I don't think of you like that. You don't know this, Kaoru, but I've always wanted to be just like you. Your high grades at school, how nice you are to everybody, the way you make everyone around you happy and loved.. I was and still am, inspired to be just like you."
The snowy atmosphere makes her look angelic now, her light skin glistening from the snow that tries to land over her face.
"Kenshin," Kaoru's tears now slid down over her cheeks, her eyes reddening, "Please.. you don't have to do this.."
"I do," I gulp, trying to stop my own tears from coming, "Losing you is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I don't think I've felt this sense of loss inside of me before, aside from losing my mom. I've done nothing but grieve over you being missing in my life. I regret everything I've done to you. I only did those things because.. because.. because I hated myself, Kaoru! I hate that I feel attraction to other guys like this. I always wanted to be a real man, just like my dad. Just like my stepdad Hiko, and Sano and Yahiko and hell, even fucking Shishio!"
"Kenshin!" Kaoru walks towards me and lifts her hands as if she's about to hug me, but then stops herself, letting her hands back down on the side of her hips instead as she looks to the ground tearfully, ".. I don't.. I don't know what any of that is like. But.. I understand that it's painful to live like that in secret. I bet it's really hard to live knowing that you're not like everybody else. It must've been hard knowing that part about yourself is true.."
I quietly look at her, moved by her compassion.
She continues, ".. But.. I guess maybe I should have realized the pain you and Soujiro were going through, in secret. I should have maybe realized that all of this has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with how much you two hated yourselves. I guess.. Maybe me being straight, is something I never had to think about. Until now."
"Kaoru.."
"I'm lucky," She nods, brows furrowing as if concentrating, "I'm lucky that I was born straight. I can't imagine being born gay or something like that, because people can be so cruel these days. I guess.. I guess maybe Soujiro hurt me because he can't face himself for who he truly is. He took that out on me. And maybe.. maybe that sounds mean, but.."
Silence.
I shake my head, "No. You're right. You're absolutely right. Soujiro still hates the fact that he's gay, Kaoru. Believe me."
She looks at me, perplexed, "He does?"
"Yeah. If anything, I'm willing to bet he's jealous of you."
She balks, "Me?!"
I chuckle, a sneaky tear coming out from the side of my eye and traveling rapidly down my cheek, "Yeah. I mean. You are enviable, Kaoru. You really have it all. You even have more than Soujiro. I'm jealous."
She gapes at me for a while in silence, and then starts to giggle. I start to laugh along with her. The snow continues to fall on us and all around us, sticking onto the concrete streets beneath our shoes, creating a beautiful white atmosphere all around us. Even the dark skies is taking on a gaseous tone to it that looks especially gorgeous now. We continue to walk together in happy silence now, really taking in this crystallized world around us.
"Hey," I suddenly speak again, "I'm guessing you're heading on over to Megumi's?"
"How'd you guessed?" She giggles.
"She lives the closest to Yahiko out of all of us, duh."
She nods, "Yeah. It's kind of embarrassing to admit this, but she and Yahiko are always checking up on me the most and they spend time together just to see how else they can help me feel better after.. well, you know."
"Well, I'm glad they're helping you. They're your friends too, you know."
"I know," She sighs happily, "And honestly, I can't wait till you see Enishi. I mean, do you even remember what he looked like since you've been with Tomoe?"
I exhale with a smile, "No! He was always living with his dad and so I never really got around to see him. But.. he's treating you well, though, I hope?"
She looks at me with a befuddled expression, "Huh? Of course he is! Why would you even ask me that?"
I suddenly look at her sternly, "Oh, nothing. Just that if he tries to hurt you or break your heart, I know a guy who's more than willing to kill him."
"And who could you possibly be talking about?" She rolls her eyes, but judging by her smile that goes with it, she knows I'm kidding. I smile at her now.
"Hey," I stop in front of a ice cream parlor, "I'm sure you already ate dinner or something, but do you want to stop here and sit with me for a bit? The guys can wait, I just want to get you something if that's okay."
"What?" She looks up at the sign with wide eyes before she brings her hands up in a defensive manner, "Oh, no no, I couldn't! I couldn't possibly make you pay—"
"—I don't mind," I shrug, "Besides.. This is the least I could do after everything I've done to you. You still like strawberries and cream, right?"
She blushes, but nods, "Y-yeah. I do."
"Then," I smile and open the door for her, the bell ringing above our heads, "Let's have some dessert. On me."
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Kenshin never responded to me.
I look at the clock on the wall in the kitchen, as Sayo takes out a baking tray of cookies out of her oven. The sweet scent of chocolate chip cookies do not seem to catch my attention at all as I continue to stare at that clock. It's been two.. no, three.. maybe more hours since he's sent anything back. I have to wonder if maybe the age of the backup phone is just so old that it never managed to properly send him the contents of the message in the first place. But I never had any issue with sending or receiving text messages with that backup phone before, and Sayo helped me with the Wi-Fi configurations before I even sent him that message out to begin with.
Maybe he really is that busy tonight.
I deflate with a sigh, catching the attention of Sayo on me now, "Soujiro? What's wrong?"
I blink at her, caught off by her question, "What?"
She tilts her head at me, her mittens carrying the tray in front of her, "You just sighed while looking at the clock. Are you feeling tired?"
I gape at her for a bit, but then I laugh, "Oh! No! I mean, it's only nine right now, so I can't possibly be tired!"
She chuckles nervously, "Oh, well good, because that would've worried me. These girls don't go to sleep until well in the morning, so I was hoping you could at least stay awake while they ransack the place."
I giggle, "Oh, of course!"
She puts the tray on the kitchen island, placing her hands on her hips proudly, "Well then! I hope these will maybe calm them down a bit and maybe we can watch a movie together?"
"Y-yeah.."
"Hmm?" She looks at me again, "Soujiro.. Are you sure you're okay?"
I look at her, confused, "Yeah, why?"
Her face falls and she looks very concerned all of a sudden, "It's just.. you've been very quiet this past hour. And you keep checking your phone and the clocks around my house.. Are you worried about something? Like.. Your boyfriend?"
I blink rapidly, and let my eyes trail to the floor, ".. I'm so sorry, Sayo, I.. I don't know what you're talking about.."
Silence.
She coughs behind her fist, trying to play it cool, "Listen, um.. I have my best friend Akira here with me tonight and she's just as sober as you are. If you feel the need to go now.. I won't hold it against you. I already told you that you don't have to feel forced to sleep over if you don't want to.."
I stare the floor. The pristine, beautiful floors that has a pattern that only the likes of her and the likes of me could be able to afford thanks to our families. I tried so hard to have fun with my other friends tonight, but for some reason, something has taken a hold of my mind. And I just feel like maybe it's for a reason. Maybe I'm not ready to live it up like this while I'm still reeling from the shock of moving out of my dad's place like this.
Maybe I.. still need to hold onto Kenshin. Just until I feel more stable, mentally speaking.
Maybe it's selfish of me to do, but..
...
I miss him.
I miss Kenshin so much.
And I want to be with him again.
My eyes slide back up into her own, "I'm sorry, Sayo. I do want to go home."
She nods, smiling compassionately at me, "I figured as such. Miss him?"
I smile bitterly, trying to swallow down my need to cry, "Yeah. I do."
She comes over to give me a platonic hug and I hug her back. She nods near my face, "Go. Go on home and tell him I said hi. Akira and I can take it from here."
I tighten my hold around her, "Thank you, Sayo.."
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"God, that was so good!" Kaoru sighs in contentment as we both walk out of the ice cream parlor after eating, "Oh! My phone's ringing!"
I watch her as she fishes out her phone and accepts the call.
"Hello? Megumi? Hey! I'm just on my way over!" Kaoru laughs happily, "N-no, it's not like that! I was just buying us the snacks and then got a little lost. I also bumped into someone I know and we were talking together for a while, and.."
We walk together and I continue to listen to the conversation, averting my eyes elsewhere to look at the passing store windows next to me.
".. Who?" She sneaks a peek over at me and I look back at her with a smirk, "Oh. Um. You don't know him."
My eyes widen at her as if to say, 'Seriously?'
She frowns and shakes her head at me, trying to wave me off, "Y-yeah, it's just some guy I talked to from long ago. I'll be there soon, Megumi, I promise. Misao just showed up, right?"
I look at her, so happy that we've reconciled like this. She seems so much more carefree now that this strange war between us has dissipated. I'm glad we can put the past behind us now.
"I know, I know!" Kaoru smiles awkwardly at me, clearly wanting to get off the phone now so that we can keep talking, "Listen, I gotta go because my friend wants to tell me something before he leaves, but I promise I'll be there soon. Ciao!"
"Ciao?" I snigger after she hangs up the phone, "Is your boyfriend secretly Italian?"
"Maybe he is, maybe he isn't," She giggles at my trolling, "Although.. he has mentioned wanting to take me on a romantic trip to Italy this summer after we graduate, soooo.."
I balk at her, "What? He's taking you to Italy?!"
She nods proudly, "Yes, sir!"
I gape at her, blown away by this news. But then I smile at her gently and sigh, "You know something.. I'm glad. You deserve that and more."
She blushes and looks ahead of her again, "Thank you. I needed to hear that."
I smile at her and we turn into a corner where we are able to finally go see Yahiko and Sano. I wonder if maybe they passed out and that's why they haven't texted or called me yet, but if so, I can always just wake them up and have them say a quick hello to our friend. I don't want to see her as my ex-girlfriend anymore; I just want to see Kaoru as my childhood friend, just like how we've always been.
"Say, Kenshin, how about we—"
I abruptly stop walking. She stops a step ahead of me and peers over her shoulder at me curiously, and looks taken back by my expression. I feel my entire face going cold and my body stiffening from the sight up ahead. She turns her head to look where I'm looking, and she also freezes with a grunt.
...
Right there, right in front of house that belongs to Yahiko, is Soujiro Seta, gaping at us in aghast at what he's seeing as well.
Silence dips sharply as we are all standing and facing each other: The past where it is Kaoru taking a slow step back to come to my side and not knowing what to say. And the future, where it's Soujiro simply standing there and his eyes darting between her face and mine's. As if trying to see if our expressions could tell him the story of what happened while he wasn't around to witness it. We don't say anything for a long time and the snow continues to fall quietly. The snowflakes still too tiny to do much, except create a thin white sparkly layer of magic on the ground.
It's too bad it doesn't have the magic to rewind time.
".. Soujiro," I gulp, feeling my face trying to smile but instead the side of it twitches, "I.."
Kaoru just looks at the side of my face uneasily before she looks forward at Soujiro again.
"What is this?" Soujiro whispers, but since we're not that far from each other, we can clearly hear the pain in his voice, "What are you.. What are you two doing together?"
Kaoru grunts, gripping the handles of her shopping bags tightly. I step forward gently with my hands up, "Soujiro, it's not what you—"
"—Tell me HOW the fuck I'm supposed to think?!" Soujiro suddenly belts out, catching the both of us by surprise now. There is a hush before the sound of a neighbor's dog barking faintly in the distance now. The last thing we need is to attract needless attention on us now.
"Soujiro, please, calm down!" I take another couple of steps, but then feel caught off guard as Soujiro takes a couple of steps back to keep his distance from me, "Soujiro..?"
"I can't believe—!" Soujiro gasps and shuts his eyes, trying to fight himself from crying in front of us, "I can't believe.. I don't..!"
Kaoru and I simply look at him, both feeling a strange sense of pity towards the brunet right now. Soujiro doesn't wear defeat well.
Soujiro opens his eyes and he can't betray how he feels, with the way they take on a shiny pinkish tone to them now, "Answer me.. what are you two.. even doing..!"
Kaoru and I share a look for a moment before she looks back at Soujiro and shakes her head, "We bumped into each other at the store a few streets over. I swear I did not know Kenshin was going to be there tonight. I was supposed to be at Megumi's like ten minutes ago."
Soujiro and I look at her as she takes a deep breath to calm her nerves, before she continues on explaining herself.
"You can call Megumi right now to confirm if you want," She glares at Soujiro now, "I don't have any feelings for Kenshin anymore. I have someone else in my life now. Someone that makes me very happy. The same way Kenshin makes you feel. I could never stoop as low as to try and make Kenshin cheat on you.."
"Kaoru.." I hear myself mumble, but then I remember Soujiro and look at him as he gapes at me numbly, clearly not liking the way I just said her name. Or the way I looked at her.
Man, Soujiro..
Are you always going to be this insecure?
...
I regret it.
I regret cheating on both of these people.
I grunt, gritting my teeth and looking down at myself. I'm such a fucking asshole. In the end, all of my actions will carry consequences that will never go away no matter how hard I try!
This is all my fault!
I bravely look up at Soujiro and take a step forward, now taking on a louder tone of voice, "Soujiro! Nothing happened tonight! Let me take you back to Sayo's!"
The door to Yahiko's place suddenly opens and out comes Sanosuke now, looking at what all the commotion is about, "What the fuck are you people screaming about..?!"
We all stop and look at the taller male, and he takes a moment to see that Kaoru is now with me. He freezes and swoops his eyes towards Soujiro, and then swings them back on where I am, and instantly knows what's going on. He looks at Kaoru and scoffs, "Really?"
Now it's Kaoru's turn to scoff, "Really?! You think that low of me?"
"Will you people keep your fucking voices down!" I hiss, "I swear, nothing happened tonight! We saw each other at the store and I wanted to catch up with her!"
"Why did you take so long?" Sanosuke closes the door behind him, clearly pissed off, "Is your phone dead or did you turned it off yourself?"
I look at him like a fucking idiot. Was my phone off this entire time? Did the battery died? I could have sworn I would have felt it vibrate if he sent me any text messages while I went to the store.
"Kenshin and I did nothing!" Kaoru suddenly screams, and we all nearly jump out of our skin, clearly not used to her being this emotional or loud. She nearly growls under her breath, "You know what.. forget this. I'm out of here."
"Ka.." I couldn't finish saying her name before she turns around and quickly walks off, trying to ignore me.
"Hey, stop it!" Sanosuke belts out, "This isn't how we deal with things! If it's true that you guys didn't do anything wrong, then you have no reason to just walk off like that!"
Kaoru stops dead in her tracks, and I feel helpless just standing there in the eye of this storm meanwhile. What is with us tonight? Why are we going at each others' throats like this? What is so wrong about me trying to heal what I've broken before?
...
Are some things just better off broken?
Kaoru glares at Soujiro from behind her shoulder now, and we're all taken back by the look on her face.
She finally speaks in a bitter tone, "We didn't do anything at all tonight. Kenshin's all yours. I would never do anything like that with him, because I'm nothing like you. I don't have to have sex with someone just to convince them I'm worth fighting for. That's your flaw."
Soujiro's face pales at all of that, and he just stands there in stunned silence. Kaoru doesn't wait for him to respond to her before she continues on walking in anger, leaving us all speechless for the next few moments before Sanosuke finally says something.
"You still didn't answer me about your phone, Kenshin." Sanosuke crosses his arms across his chest.
I grumble under my breath and check my phone. And right there, I see what was responsible for this horrible mess tonight: I didn't have any internet while I was out walking tonight. I could see that a few messages from both Sanosuke and Yahiko were trying to get to me but couldn't, while there seems to be a file of some sort from Soujiro trying to also reach me, but also couldn't deliver at all. I look at the skies with a smile and an exhale in disbelief.
"Unbelievable.." I shut my eyes painfully, realizing that not having any internet is going to cost me so much shit now, "I didn't have any internet on me while I went out. Hiko must've forgot to pay a bill for our phones. Fuck.."
Sanosuke and Soujiro just stand there quietly, watching me. The former looks uncomfortable with how all of this unfolded tonight, and the latter still looks crushed by what Kaoru just told him. I put my phone away slowly before looking at Soujiro now, not knowing how to feel about this now: Should I be pissed off that he decided to come looking for me like this? Or should I be groveling for his forgiveness? We all didn't know what to say at first, but soon, Sano and I look on in shock as Soujiro starts to cry in his hands, shoulders shivering from the impact of it all.
"Sou.." Sanosuke lifts his hand slowly and try to reach out towards him, but Soujiro simply turns around abruptly and starts to quickly walk off, prompting me to look on with shock.
"Soujiro!" I call out to him as I start to rush after him, leaving the plastic bags of snacks I brought tonight on the ground.
I'm willing to bet, that Sanosuke could do nothing except stand there, looking at our backs and not knowing how to feel about all of this tonight.
What a fucking mess..
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"Soujiro, stop!" I finally catch up to him after nearly three blocks of Soujiro trying to walk away from me, grabbing him by the shoulders to force him to look at me, "What is with you tonight?! Why did you leave your friend's house like this?!"
Soujiro continues to sob, trying to turn around, but is instead forced by my hands to look at me again, and I've never seen him so devastated before in my life. Clearly what Kaoru said to him really got to him this time.
"She.. She's right.. I'm so.. disgusting..!"
I shake him once with a growl, "Snap out of it! Talk to me! What is wrong with you? Why did you look for me like this tonight?!"
"You didn't!" His voice hitches as he tries to quiet down his sobbing, face nearly red from all the crying tonight, "You didn't.. respond to my text message.. and I got scared.. and I wasn't happy over there.. and I saw girls kissing each other.. and I realized.. How much I missed you.. I.. I'm so.. I'm so sorry.."
I can feel my head shaking, completely in disbelief over all of this. At this point, Soujiro's not going to feel better about what's happened to him over his dad until and unless he gets serious therapy over this. I realize that now. But I'm still pissed off. We stand there in silence, Soujiro's eyes hidden by his bangs while I look at the skies again in quiet exasperation, completely done with today.
I just want to go to bed.
I just want to close my eyes, and wake up to find all of this to be a dream.
...
I mean it.
I close my eyes, a single snowflake falling on my forehead as I do so.
I want to wake up, and have it go back to October. To the life I used to have. To the world where I used to know. When my dad was just my stepdad. When I was angry at the world but still had all of my friends getting along with each other. When I was doing badly at school but it was fine because I had a plan after high school anyway. When I would spend my days having fun and not worrying about somebody else. Of enjoying my singleness and being able to have sex with anyone I wanted, without having to be tied down.
...
I open my eyes, the skies above me a weird mixture of black and light grey now.
No.
That's not what I want.
I just.. I just want Soujiro to stop suffering so much. Because if I woke up, and it was October again.. and I see him in my homeroom for the very first time that day.. I would have changed how I reacted towards him. I would have let him come to me without putting up a fight. I would have just accepted his affection towards me, his need to get close to me, and his desire to get in bed with me. I wouldn't have fought him off like I had. Instead, I would just jump into bed with him at that party he threw for us the very first time. I would have told him that I wanted it all with him. I wouldn't have ever gone out with Kaoru, just to move on, when I knew my heart wanted him.
I let my eyes trail down at Soujiro, who's now staring at our shoes dejectedly. This boy loves me so much, it's almost too much. But wasn't I also the same with him? When he tried to be logical and pragmatic back then, because he knew that me being with him would have costed me so much in the end.. I wouldn't hear any of it. I fought hard to be with him, just like he's fighting so hard for me right now..
Soujiro..
I love you so much.
I don't deserve you..
I gently take him into my arms, mumbling in his hair, ".. Come on.. Let's get out of here. Let me take you back to Sayo's."
He doesn't say anything at first, limp in my embrace. But then he whispers, ".. I don't want to go there.."
I sigh, "Fine. Yahiko's, then?"
Silence.
"No.." He shakes his head against my collarbone, feeling his tears drenching my shirt now. My heart clenches painfully at that. I just want to get in a bed with him and kiss him until he stops crying.
I nod, "Okay. Let's just go home, then. I'm sorry. I love you."
Silence again. I grunt, feeling concerned about this.
"Soujiro..?"
He takes his time straightening up his spine and taking a step back away from my embrace, his eyes devoid of any emotions all of a sudden. I watch him, worried.
He finally looks up into my eyes and simply mumbles, "No. Take me someplace else."
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"Sou.. Please. Stop crying.."
Shut up.
Just shut up and stop fucking talking!
I shut my eyes painfully, tears streaming down my face as I try to keep the sounds of my sobbing to myself. I feel so humiliated being inside a taxi cab and sitting right next to my boyfriend while he's busy trying to pretend that we're just friends in front of the driver. He's whispering to me to stop crying, but all it does is make me more emotional, and I bite down a sob dryly and pathetically as I cover my mouth with my hand. I have my face turned away towards the window next to me, trying and failing, to hide my crying spell from both the driver and Kenshin.
I don't know if I regret coming to look for Kenshin tonight or not..
But..
I sure regret letting my feelings overcome me like this.
...
Kaoru..
What she told me tonight.. I really didn't think she had it in her to be like that so openly. She always seemed to me like the type to swallow down her feelings. She tried to play up the image of being sensible and demure, always thinking about how she would come across to other people and acting accordingly. In a strange way, she reminds me a lot of myself before I met Kenshin, and before learning the value of standing up for myself. It's thanks to him that I learned to let my anger speak my truth, even if I would come across as abrasive or rude to my father, or the people in our old lives.
What she said to me tonight..
She doesn't have to have sex with someone just to prove she's worth fighting for.. and that it's my flaw to deal with.. I let my eyes flutter open, the tears warm on my lashes.
...
I hate to admit it, but she's right. She's absolutely right.
The taxi cab zooms past some buildings until we are in a more unfamiliar part of Kyoto. I told Kenshin that I know a hotel that I want to stay in, and he's more than welcome to go back to his house. But he insisted on staying the night with me, judging by how worried he looked when he could see my eyes brimming with tears on that street corner not too far from Yahiko's place. Is he worried that I might wake up tomorrow and decide to dump him? Honestly, if I were any other guy, this night would've been my final straw and I would have just told Kenshin to fuck off.
But because I'm me, and he's done so much for me, and I've sacrificed so much just to be able to meet him.. it's more complicated than one could imagine.
Plus, I'm still completely in love with him, despite his lying tonight.
My hand that is curled over my mouth starts to grip my face hard.
You promised.
You promised you wouldn't talk to Kaoru until I was completely over the fact that you slept with her behind my back.
You told me that you won't.
And what did you do?
You hang out with her anyway. Behind my back. Behind everybody's backs, actually.
So, of course I'm devastated.
"Is buddy alright over there?" Our driver sounds like he's been witnessing this type of drama since the beginning of the twentieth century. Nothing new here.
I hear Kenshin sighing, "Yeah. He's just homesick."
Homesick. I'm homesick for a life I used to have. A life where I knew where my life was going. A life where I was the good kid who could do no wrong. A life where I could have my fix with boys on the down low, and still be able to come home and face my father. A life where I knew my future was bright and one that anyone would envy. A life where, yes, maybe I'd be forced to marry a woman instead of a man, but I would happily be able to withstand it, if I knew she would allow me to sleep with men on the side anyway.
I miss that life.
The taxi jumps slightly at the impact of it driving over a rock on the road, and I shut my eyes, trying to remain steady.
...
But..
Do I really miss my old life, though? Because, if I could somehow go back to my old life.. I never would have met Kenshin. I never would know a love as deep as this. I would never know my own strengths and how far I would go for the one I love. I would be completely unaware of a passion as everlasting as this. I gulp, the tears salty in my throat now. The snow seems to transform into an icy rain now, and the driver tries his best to drive carefully despite the dangerous inclement.
I don't know how I'm going to be able to look past this.
"We're here," The driver grumbles, "Feel better."
I ignore him but Kenshin quickly bounces back with a, "Thanks. Keep the change."
We both got out of the cab and are now in front of a large establishment around forty five minutes away from Yahiko's house. We've honestly never been around this part of Kyoto before, but it looks nice. The icy rain continues to fall down hard so we waste no time in getting inside the place. It is an upscale hotel and Kenshin suddenly looks a bit nervous, but I simply bump shoulders with him and walk through the lobby to get to the reception desk.
"Welcome to the Twins!" The receptionist chirps happily, a young woman just in her early twenties yet is wearing enough makeup to pass for someone older, "Do you have a reservation?"
"Yes. Double rooms for the name under Seta." I sound so tired and so completely done with today, that even the receptionist takes a short pause to study me before nodding and getting to work on her computer.
"Mm-hmm, its all ready for you and your friend," She leans under to grab a pair of keys for our room, "Would you kind gentlemen be needing anything for tonight?"
Yes. Maybe a gun so I can kill myself with it.
I simply smile at her mutely, "Not right now, no, but I'll call if we do need anything."
"Certainly! Enjoy your stay!"
Several minutes later, Kenshin and I are inside the elevator going up. We stand there together in perfect silence. I really was hoping Kenshin wouldn't want to sleep with me in this hotel room, but he did not wanted to go home to Hiko's or Yahiko's without me with him. This is just great. I wanted to have a good time tonight and when I was looking for Kenshin, I thought the night would end with me having fun with him and his two best friends. But instead, I walked into a horrible nightmare that I wish I could wake up from and now wish I never went looking for him.
Why?
Why would he lie to me about Kaoru?
I understand that she moved on and he just wanted to be friends.. but I'm not over it.
Kenshin looks like he wants to say something to me a couple of times in the elevator, but judging by the look on my face, he decides to keep it shut. Soon after, we arrive inside the room, and it looks wonderful; it has a spacious bedroom with two large beds in it, a kitchen, a bathroom with a walk-in shower, the works. All the things I'm used to having before I met Kenshin. My eyes, now feeling raw and aching from the crying, stare at the bed ahead of me. All I want to do now is sink into it and not wake up until weeks or even months later.
Kenshin finally whispers something softly as I stand in front of my own bed, "Soujiro.. Can we talk?"
I don't say anything at first, but I finally turn around and glare at him, "Yes. Let's."
He looks taken back for a moment, but then softens his expression to try to prevent an argument from occurring, "Soujiro.. I didn't do anything with her. I never knew she was going to be in the same area that I was tonight. I went out because me and the guys were smoking pot and they got hungry. They didn't brought enough snacks and begged me to go alone. That's when I saw her."
I look at him, not saying anything. He continues with a grunt, not liking the look on my face.
".. So then, I saw her, and I wanted to say hi. I wanted to see how she was doing. She told me that she's happy with her new life and her new boyfriend, and that he's going to take her to Italy in the summer. I felt really happy when she told me that, because in spite of everything.. despite the fact that my heart belongs to you.. I want her to be happy. She suffered so much in her life, and I clearly wasn't helping with that fact at all. I.. I really just wanted to see how she was doing."
I feel myself feeling sorry for him now. I had my arms crossed over my chest when he was explaining himself, and now they slowly find themselves on my sides now.
"Soujiro, believe me, I," He gulps, shutting his eyes painfully, ".. I feel nothing towards her. I was just worried about her. She was my friend for so many years now.. Do you have a friend for many years in your life, too? Maybe someone I've never even met?"
I chuckle airily, "No. Not really. You're lucky."
He opens his eyes and looks at me now worriedly, braving himself to quickly walk over to where I am and giving me a hug. I sigh, my eyes rolling in the back of my head in pleasure at this contact, and I embrace him back. We hold each other for a while, my heart elated that at least he has the sweetness of a young boy with a pure heart; he's unlike any other young guy I know. Other guys are already embittered, jaded, and full of hatred.
But Kenshin..
He just loves his friend.
And he loves me, too.. right?
...
But suddenly, I am compelled to ask him something else. I tighten my hold of his jacket behind his back, and mumble, "And you're not lying to me at all?"
He grabs my shoulders and nearly rips me off of him, looking at me with anger and helplessness, "I'm not lying! At all!"
I stare deep into his eyes, and without thinking, I whisper, ".. And you lost that USB stick for real?"
Silence.
He inhales, eyes wide with either rage or surprise that I suddenly caught him in another lie, "H.. How did you—"
I start to chuckle under my breath, gently pushing him off of me and walking towards the bathroom. That's it. I'm done. I just want to go to sleep and forget all of this just happened. But Kenshin's relentless and he suddenly grabs my arm, yanking me to turn around and face him, "Kenshin, let go of me."
"No!" He starts sharply, "We're talking!"
"About what?" I blink at him mockingly, "The fact that you lied to me twice so far?"
He growls, pulling me in harder so that I am merely centimeters away from his face now, "I did not lie to you about Kaoru! But I did lied to you about that other thing, and.. I have my reasons!"
"Which are?"
"That I needed something to make you not walk out on me! There!" His grip in my arm tightens, "You happy? I don't want you to do that thing again where you run away and hide in your fake fiancée's house whenever you get pissed off at me or when you want to dump me out of nowhere. I know what I did was wrong, but I.."
His form weakens and he feebly looks at the floor helplessly, and I watch him carefully.
".. I just.. I just don't want to lose you, Soujiro," His voice is so quiet and small that I am once again pulled into feeling sorry for him, and he bows his head further in, ".. I'm sorry, Soujiro. Please.. please don't kill me.."
I look at him, shaking my head, ".. I'm not going to kill you."
He carefully straightens up to look down at me again, since he's taller than I am. Taller than I am.. stronger than I am.. faster than I am..
I am suddenly overcome with a feeling that feels almost familiar to me. My eyelids lower and I sense a familiar tingling happening inside my spine and in my groin area.
"Do you want my forgiveness?" My voice is surprisingly husky, and his eyebrows jump at that.
He nods, gulping, his hands holding my arms so that I don't bolt away from him anymore. I know what I have to do in order to level out the playing field between him and I.
I lean in to whisper in his ear, "Take off your clothes and get in the bed. Now."
(To be continued)