A/N: I have a feeling there will be at least 7 or 8 chapters before it finally concludes. Maybe I'll write slightly longer chapters in general, just so I can hurry up. I'm trying to wrap everything up since I was held up during the last bit of 2024 (Happy New Year's!), so I want to finally be able to finish this major fanfic of mines before maybe the end of February.
Enjoy. Rated M+ for sexually explicit scenes.
"Pay no mind what other voices say
They don't care about you
Like I do"
- A Perfect Circle
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I am a selfish boyfriend.
All I do is keep my eye on you and try to see what I can find out of your actions. Your idiosyncrasy. Your facial expressions..
But all of it does, is drive me insane.
...
I thought that by now, I would be able to trust you.
But.. the truth is..
I don't.
I open my eyes to see a dark ceiling greeting me in return. With my elbow bent, I have the back of my wrist resting exhaustively on top of my forehead. I'm in a world in between the realities of it being late at night, and way too early in the morning. I close my eyes with a grunt, letting my wrist slide off my forehead and back on my side with a thud. I guess maybe I should go get water. My throat is parched.
I turn to my side, expecting a visitor. But all I see is darkness, and all I feel is an emptiness next to me. I gulp, my brows frowning at this. I know I shouldn't expect him to be next to me after what happened hours ago. I gave him the USB stick and I promised him that I would never lie to him again. If there's anyone who shouldn't be trusted at all by anyone else, it's me. I was the one who lied. I was the one who snuck around. I was the one who cheated. I was the major scumbag all of this time.
But still..
I was the one who wanted the truth to come out first!
I grit my teeth with another grunt, feeling my anger bubbling up inside of my chest. That guy really is something else! How could he tell me that he wants to go see his mom now? What good would it be for him to look for her? I know I should support him in everything he wants to do with his life, but at the same time.. to have him sniff around his own past might not be the best idea right now. Especially when his father is pissed to all hell at the fact that he ran away from home and has decided to come live with me.
What is Soujiro even thinking about anymore?!
"Ugh!" I sit up in my bed, rubbing my temple, "Fuck this.."
I walk down the stairs of my house and head into the kitchen, the only thing leading my feet is the soft glow of my phone's flashlight. I am careful to be as quiet as I possibly can, to let the other patrons of this house sleep soundly. I don't feel like having my dad yell at me for causing a ruckus, and I don't want to face my pissy boyfriend wondering why I'm sneaking around yet again. I've had enough drama to last me a lifetime as this point.
I grab a water bottle from the fridge and open it to pour it into an empty glass cup. As the water pours into the cup, my mind starts to wander. What is going to happen to us when and if Soujiro actually decides to go live with his mom? I know he said that he's only doing it for the remainder of his high school career, but what about afterwards? His mom probably lives super far away from us, and how in the world is he going to travel back and forth between visiting me and attending school around the area? Am I going to have to have a long distance relationship with him? How will this affect our future together?
What if his mom doesn't like me and tells him he deserves better? Arguably, Soujiro probably does deserve better than me. I huff at that thought, pissed off. That's right. Soujiro's cut from a different cloth than I am, whether I like it or not. He's from a different world than I am. I've always had this same thought about him since the very beginning. Soujiro clearly went after me to look for some excitement in his life, but with the way he reacted to the reality of my actual life—my dingy house compared to his mansion, my poor background against his wealth, my less-than-stellar family life compared to him having a rich dad—probably cooled off his attraction towards me.
The water stops pouring in, and I pause, the pain radiating inside my chest at that thought.
...
Is Soujiro even into me anymore?
My eyes waver as I peer into my cup of water, not liking where my thoughts are heading into.
Is it true, then? That Soujiro is probably no longer into me like he used to be? I feel myself wobble from where I stand, taking a step back until my lower back meets the edge of the kitchen sink. I wasn't the best boyfriend that I could have been to him, truth be told. I wasn't nice to him when he first met me, and I tried to push him off of me when he was trying to help me with my school work. I even rejected him harshly when he managed to please me sexually the first time, with the way I nearly throw him against the wall in that zoo trip we all took together as a group. I didn't wanted him to know how much I enjoyed him pleasing me that night at his first house party, or how much I actually wanted to sleep with him that very night, either.
My hand lets go of the empty water bottle, landing on the floor with a soft thud before it rolls away from me quietly.
I was so homophobic towards him back then. So hateful and so horrible to him. I lied to him. I cheated on him. I was caught still trying to hang out with the girl I told him multiple times not to worry about. I was mean to him when I thought he was being stupid or not thinking with his head straight. I pushed him in bed before he was ready. I nearly threatened to leave him when he was rightfully still upset about me and Kaoru. I wielded intel above his head about his dad's evil secrets, just so that he wouldn't run out on me. I was..
...
I am an absolute fucking asshole to him.
I whimper under my breath, flinching. I can't believe it. I can't believe I am like this towards him. Why can't I be nicer to him, even now after all this time? Why do I still feel distrustful towards him? Why can't I just open my heart up to him and let him in completely? Do I still not accept the fact fully that I am into men? The hand that grips the edge of the sink behind me tightens.
Do I.. even deserve him, after all?
My eyes falls lower towards the floor, my shoulders drooping. If Soujiro goes on to live with his mother and realizes, with time and distance from me, that I am not the one for him after all.. Would he dump me just like that? My lower lip parts and I grunt sadly. If he does that, then.. I can't even argue against it. Everything comes back to me being an absolute nightmare to him since the start. I'd have no arguments to fight him about it, since I don't have much room to stand on. I gave him stress after stress after stress, and I broke his heart like it meant nothing to me.
If he breaks up with me, then he'd have every reason to.
I would have nothing to fall back on.
.. I would spend the rest of me life pining after him, knowing that I don't deserve him.
It would only be natural.
I take my time, just standing there, letting these thoughts roll around inside my head. I carefully walk back into my room and sit on the edge of my bed, drinking some water out of my cup before setting it on my night table. I lean my elbows over my lap, looking at the water glistening in the glass cup quietly. I guess it can't be helped, huh? I fucked up my chances at being happy with the person I love. I always do this. I always ruin my life, one way or another. I let myself fall back on my mattress completely, arms outstretch on the bed and staring back up at that same dark ceiling.
That ceiling that has greeted me every single morning for so many years now, that is now mocking me to my face.
You could have been so happy.
I grunt, shutting my eyes slowly.
But you chose to be miserable instead.
I keep my eyes closed, just to get away from that ceiling.
...
So now what?
What am I supposed to do from here on out? How will I behave around Soujiro, now that he's insistent on meeting his mother? How should I be like if he does decide to be with her, against his better judgment? If he does dump me in the future, then.. what good would it be to even be a good boyfriend anymore? I mean, I made so many mistakes before, but now that the future of our love is hanging by a thread.. what is the point of trying anymore?
Sooner or later.. life has to go back to normal.
Soujiro will have to face the truth about his family and try to move on from the trauma of it all. And I have to go back to the real world, making plans that I've always had since before Soujiro barged into my life. Everyone will go back to focusing on their own futures, their own lives, their own destinies. My friends will do what they've always set out to do after high school ends, and Soujiro will be out there doing incredible things.
I just don't know how I will fit into his plans.
...
Soujiro was right. He was always right, ever since I first realized my feelings towards him. He wanted us to be temporary lovers, opting to just have a fun secret affair together. He told me that there was no future between us, and that he only helped me just so that I could fuck him. I gulp, ignoring that pain inside my chest. Isn't this every guy's dream? Having sex with someone hot, without worrying about labels? Without worrying about what will happen tomorrow?
What if Soujiro really was right?
What if I should have listened to him from the start?
What if I just never told anyone anything, to keep us from being outed?
...
What if you're not the one?
I flinch in my bed at that thought, my eyes snapping open. It's now bright in my room, signaling the morning hour. Have I truly slept? Did I even dreamed of anything? I hate this kind of sleep. Where you just close your eyes for a single beat before waking up to face this horrible world again. You never feel truly rested from it, either. I groan, rubbing my eyelids with my fists in frustration. Well, can't run away now. I have to get up and face that same world now.
And face a certain someone, too.
Fuck.
I drag myself out of bed and head out, almost convinced that I will meet face-to-face with my boyfriend. But thankfully, he's not in the hallway, and all I can hear is my dad messing around in the kitchen. The smell of coffee wafts through the air gently, and I sigh contently. Maybe a cup of that and some time alone today will be just what the doctor ordered. Maybe that's what I should do today; have some distance from Soujiro, not cause any fights with him, and just focus on my studying. Maybe I'll finally beat one of my video games or something, or work on my playing the guitar.
I can finally finish some sketches! The possibilities are fucking endless at this point. Let's do that, then. Let's have a who gives a fuck day. I grin, chuckling under my breath as I enter the bathroom alone to wash my face and brush my teeth.
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"Good morning, son!" My dad salutes me joyfully, and it couldn't be hidden any longer: he's definitely banging someone on the side. He looks way too happy these days to not be doing that on the down low. I sigh quietly to myself, opting to squish my feelings of awkwardness over that fact instead of saying something.
I want to have a peaceful morning.
"Morning." I simply respond back casually yet cordially, taking a seat at the kitchen. It's just me and him for now, and I guess the star of the show is yet to be seen. Whatever. It doesn't matter.
"Here you go!" My dad slides a cup of coffee in front of me, "I'm going to stay after work for a few hours, so I am wondering what you and Soujiro are planning to do about dinner later on."
"Huh?" I blink up at him, "Well.. um.. it's whatever he wants, I guess.."
"Hm? Do you need any money, son?"
I smile awkwardly at him, waving my hands in front of me, "N-no! It's cool. I think Soujiro and I will figure something out later, no problem."
"Alright. If you two need anything from me, don't hesitate to reach me by phone."
Well..
I knew I had to ask.
"So, tell me," I lean in with a mischievous smile, "Is it really about work, or..?"
He frowns at me with a smile, "What?"
"Come on, man, mano a mano.. who is she?"
"She's.." He clears his throat with a grumble behind his fist, "She's someone nice. Very nice. That's all you need to know for now."
"Will I meet her soon?"
"Oh, yes."
"When?"
"When you graduate."
I deflate with a scoff, "What!"
He turns around to head back into the kitchen to fetch more coffee for himself now, "Don't you worry over your pretty little head, son. It's not something to wonder about."
"Oh, come on!"
He laughs, and even I have to smile secretly to myself. I miss this. I miss when it was just the two of us. At that thought, my smile fades and I can feel my body stiffening at the sounds behind me of someone else coming down the stairs. It's him. He's here. I straighten up in my chair and take a sip of my coffee, and see someone walking past from my peripheral vision.
"Ah, you're here!" I hear my dad beam, "Why don't you sit down and I'll get you your cup of coffee? Milk with sugar, right?"
My eyes flicker up to see the back of Soujiro's head as he walks on over to the other side of the kitchen table, right across from me. Soujiro smiles gently yet tiredly at my dad with a nod, "Yes, please. Thank you."
I gulp. He must've not slept well last night. Was he awake for all this time? What's keeping him up? I let my eyes go down to look the black liquid in my cup, the steam twirling into the air lazily. There's no use asking myself these questions. He's made his decision to go see his mom. He'll probably also decide to go stay with her. I'm not sure how or why, but.. in the end, it's his decision to do so.
I don't want to be in his way.
I want to be a better boyfriend.
And the only way to do that.. is to just mind my own business.
It's for the best.
"So, I was just telling Kenshin here," My dad sets a cup of coffee in front of Soujiro now, "That I won't be here tonight to make you two dinner, and what the plan will be between the two of you. I offered Kenshin some money, but he looks to be covered for now."
Soujiro blinks at my dad before his eyes swoop on over to me, which prompts me to look back down into my cup to evade his gaze.
"Oh.." I hear him hum, "Well.. I think we'll order something from outside if that's okay with you."
"Sure thing!"
"What will it be for us, Kenshin?"
My body stiffens slightly from Soujiro's question, and I carefully look up to see Soujiro's smile from across the table. In any other situation, I'd be so happy to receive such a sweet smile like that, especially when he's so cute and sleepy like this. But now that I know that I may very well lose him to his mother on account of all my fuck ups before.. now it just makes me feel weird. I gulp, looking towards the side before shrugging with one shoulder nonchalantly, "Whatever."
Silence.
"You know," My dad suddenly says, "I think there's a new joint around this area, it's seat-in but I think they also do pick up or delivery if you are interested. They serve pho soup mainly, but they have ramen and soba noodles if you're in the mood for that."
Soujiro doesn't say anything at first, but he finally chuckles with reluctance, "Y-yeah, that sounds great, actually! Thank you!"
"I left the instructions for the chores to be done today, son," My dad looks at me somewhat sternly now, "Be sure to complete them before I come home."
I nod, not adding anything to it. The silence feels awkward, so I finally just sigh and look the other way, "I will, dad, don't worry.."
"You seem tired this morning!" My dad chuckles, "No worries. I'll bring some dessert home if you two want!"
"That would be nice," I hear Soujiro's soft voice across from me, despite my gaze still not meeting his, "Thank you, sir."
"You two have any favorites for me to keep in mind?" My dad asks, and I turn to look back at him curiously.
"Oh, um.." I think about this, but as I do so, I feel my body stiffening at the shocking realization that I feel something creeping up on my leg. It feels like a body part trying to slide up on my pajama pants, slowly towards my private area. My eyes immediately swoops over to Soujiro, who looks as every bit of innocent as he pretends to be, smiling brightly at my dad despite this secret thing he's doing to me now under the table.
I cross my legs quickly and quietly before his hand or his foot comes any closer. He's lucky that the way this table is designed, and the way Hiko insists on keeping it old school with draping a large cloth over it, has hidden our lower parts completely off from him. But he still shouldn't be trying to fiend after my dick with my dad so openly like this. What is with this guy?! Is Soujiro always going to be such a sex pest?! I scoff to myself before responding to my dad promptly, "I'll have cake, whatever they have. I don't care."
"Sure! What about you, Soujiro?" My dad turns happily to my boyfriend, who seems a little caught off guard by my strange reaction.
"Oh.. I'll have.. the same, I guess.."
Don't. Don't pull that stupid sad puppy act. It's pathetic. I grab his ankle and shove it down so that it can stop touching my leg before I finish what's left of my coffee.
Somehow, someway, I can feel Soujiro's hurt from across the table.
"Sounds great. I'll text you the name of the place for you guys to eat dinner, Soujiro, but I gotta get going," My dad sets his cup of finished coffee on the area near the sink, none the wiser over what's been happening under the table all the while, "You two behave while I'm gone."
"Right-io," I get up from my chair, making the two of them peer at me with surprise, "I have to go study. Thanks for the coffee."
I turn around promptly and walk on back towards the staircase, not bothering to look behind me or wait for those two to say anything. I have to get away from them. I have to isolate and get some space. To think clearly. To take a breather. To just relax.
To get away from you.
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I am clacking away on my laptop in my bedroom. I made sure to wait for Soujiro to eat breakfast downstairs with my dad before the latter went off to work. When I knew Soujiro finished eating and doing his thing in the bathroom before retreating to his own room, I made sure to wait at least ten or so minutes before I came out to quietly go downstairs to grab some quick grub. I made myself a sandwich and ate it with some juice, opting to keep things light for breakfast. I can always eat more for lunch or even dinner later on tonight.
Speaking of dinner..
What am I going to do?
I've made a decision to keep my distance from Soujiro, to stop hurting him and being so irritating towards him. If Soujiro's serious about moving in with his mom, then it's only fair that I give him space so that the departure won't be so hard on him. The last thing I want is for him to feel torn between staying with me or being with her. I'd rather take the pressure off of him and let him be with his mom if that makes him happy in the end.
Maybe it's not the nicest thing ever, but.. it's all I got.
I've always been good at keeping my distance with people.
I'm surprised I even have as much friends as I do right now.
What do my friends even see in me?
I deflate from where I sit, grunting. Maybe they see things in me I can't see. Maybe I'm too hard on myself, even now. Maybe being with Soujiro made me happy, but it has also made me so much more insecure. It's weird, isn't it? How this love I've cultivated with Soujiro is making me feel at the end of the day. All I feel with Soujiro aside from pure bliss from time to time.. is me feeling so much worse about myself.
I don't think it's Soujiro's fault or something that he's doing on purpose.
But ultimately.. he'd probably feel much happier with someone who's more on his level.
I don't know..
I sigh, closing my laptop. I think I'll take a break and watch something on TV. No use in thinking about any more negative shit. I lay on my bed casually while watching through my favorite streaming service, opting to watch an old anime show of some sort. I don't even know or care to know what it's about, since I find myself dozing off from time to time. Once we're back in school for real when this upcoming weekend comes and pass, I'm going to miss being able to do homework from home. This must be what working from home feels like. I actually don't mind this type of lifestyle at all.
.. Of course, Soujiro wouldn't like doing this too often. He's an extrovert, unlike me. He likes going out, seeing people, doing things, experiencing the world out there. Before he met me, he's probably seen the entire world and then some. I ignore the sour feeling inside my chest as my thoughts continue to spiral further. I wonder how happy Soujiro used to be before he met me. He did went through some terrible shit before, I'm sure, since his dad fucking suck and all. But outside of that? He probably had a lot of fun in life. He has friends from different places around the world, and got to experience traveling while he was young. He got to go to amazing schools and spend time with people who's from the same background as he has.
He probably misses the guys he used to have sex with. Unlike me, they probably would have made Soujiro's life comfortable both in and outside of the bedroom.
I literally.. bring nothing to the table.
...
God fucking dammit.
I wipe a tear that's trying to come out from the corner of my eye stubbornly, grunting.
Just stop thinking about him!
I huff, trying to blink the tears out of my eyes.
.. I do love him. I love him so much, it hurts. I love him and want him to be happy more than anything in the world. But I have to be fucking logical at this point. I've always made decisions with my head before I met Soujiro. I used to never let things get to me too much, because ultimately, there's no use for it. I always led my life with a cool head, and always told myself that most things don't matter in the end; it's how I kept going even when shit at home sucks. I had my friends with me and I had a plan after high school, to have a job as a mechanic or something, and live in some shitty little place that I could proudly call my home.
Maybe Hiko would've eventually died from the alcoholism. Maybe I would enter my twenties all alone by then, and I would've learned to live a life without any blood relatives. I would've kept hanging out with my friends and I would watch them grow up little by little; maybe Kaoru and I would've ended up together. It's such a trite stereotype, I know: the whole guy and girl who knew each other for so many years, ending up together..
But goddammit.. it would've made us so happy.
Blissfully unaware of a guy named Soujiro existing in this same world as we do.
I don't know how, but I watch as the episode plays on my television screen with fresh new tears running down my face silently. If Soujiro does end up dumping me.. then maybe it's for the best. I love him, but it's only natural that this is how it all concludes. I taught him that he shouldn't be ashamed about being gay. I taught him how real love feels like, even if it was only for a short while. I taught him how to stop caring about what his father thought of him, and I taught him that he should chase after his own dreams instead of being the CEO of some company he doesn't care about.
Most of all.. I taught him that he deserves to get help for his trauma.
I think that's the most loving thing I could ever do for him, ultimately.
Not the affection. Not the sleepovers. Not the kind words. Not the saving him from getting beaten up or hurt by other people. Not even for all of the sex in the world.
I taught him that he could heal, in spite it all.
I exhale shakily, more tears coming down my face. So, I guess that does it, then. I'll let Soujiro see his mom, he'll decide to move in with her, and then.. the distance between us will help him realize that we can't make it as a couple. He'll leave me, I'll accept it, we'll totally promise to keep in touch, and then.. I'll never hear from him again once he's smitten with some other guy.
It's only natural.
It's only..
I hear a sound. A creaky groan, and I freeze. My eyes float towards where the source of the sound is coming from, and I see from my side, my bedroom door opening slowly. Cautiously. And I see the face of my lover. He looks so unsure and uncomfortable, but there is a hint of desperation in his eyes, too. I quickly sit up and turn the other way, wiping my face to make sure I don't have any wet tears on my cheeks. He doesn't have to know that I'm crying here all alone.
He doesn't have to know about my final conclusion, either.
What use would that be?
I turn back to see him coming into my bedroom now, walking up to the side of my bed to look down at me. His face looks a cross between confusion and hurt. Jesus. I didn't think I seemed that much of an abrasive asshole already so early in the day. I grunt, but after a second rebound, I force myself to smile at him and ask, "Everything alright?"
Silence.
I open my eyes with a grunt, looking at him. His face now looks even more upset. There is a tint of red in his eyes and on his cheeks, too. Oh no. He's not going to cry now, is he? I shift in my bed and wait for him to say something, anything. He takes his time before he suddenly yells at me, "What is with you, Kenshin?!"
I flinch from the noise, shutting my eyes painfully. I relax my composure and open my eyes carefully, smiling awkwardly, "W-what? What are you.. what do you me—"
"—You know what I mean!" He cries out, his fists tightening on his sides now. I look at him with concern, my heart fluttering inside of my chest.
Great. Just fucking great.
Did I just incite a fight between us now?
This is not what I planned!
I sit up straighter on my bed, looking at him head on now, "Come on, Soujiro, don't yell—"
"—I CAN FUCKING YELL AT YOU ALL I WANT!" He screams louder now, but then he hiccups and starts to cry miserably in his hands. Just out right, full body shaking sobbing in his hands. My heart completely shatters from this scene in front of me. If he was a girl, I'd be the type of dick to ask him in kindness if he's on his period right now or not. But since he's not, I have nothing to say except looking on helplessly.
I let him cry in his hands for a few moments to himself, not wanting to arouse more anger in him if I kept asking him questions like an idiot. I let him have his moment. Soon his sobbing starts to die down into soft whimpers, before he wipes his tears with the back of his hands. He looks at me, his gasps dragging like knives against my sensitized heart now. I hate seeing him cry. I hate hearing him cry.
I hate making him cry.
No wonder I don't deserve to be with him.
I gulp dryly, his breathing shallow as he tries to calm down. He soon takes a deep breath and suddenly lunges at me to start hugging me, whimpering into my neck, "Please.. Kenshin.. I love you so much..!"
Fuck.
I wrap my arms around him carefully, gritting my teeth in misery secretly. Despite the strength in my resolve to keep my distance from him, I bravely say it right back to him: "I love you too, Soujiro."
"Do you?!" He starts to cry again. I've never seen him in this state before. Did I somehow trigger something in him? I'm sure he's gone through so much stress with what's transpired in the last week.. hell, what's transpired in the last several months of us getting to know each other.. but I wonder if the existence of his mother and knowing his father having zero qualms in lying to him so boldly for all his life has given him some kind of new trauma now.
Either that, or abandonment issue? I mean, I'm no fucking psychologist, but I know a thing or two about it when I used to read up a book about alcoholism as a younger teenager. I wanted to learn what the fuck Hiko's problem was. The book had a lot of stupid little phrases in it, but it interested me. I got to learn about issues that alcoholics tend to have, like abandonment issues and trust issues and intimacy issues and so on. It gave me some keys to understand his disease a little better, but it still didn't help me in keeping my own misery about his drinking in check, sadly.
I was just a boy at the time. So I couldn't do much with the information.
But now.. now maybe it might help me understand Soujiro a little better.
I rub his upper back lovingly, mumbling in a gentle tone of voice, "There, there.. it's alright.."
He hiccups again and suddenly looks at me, his eyes red and moist from all the crying. I could barely get a word in before he forces himself on me, kissing me furiously on the lips. Okay. I know this dance by now. Whenever Soujiro feels like control is slipping away from his fingers, he ups the ante with his sexuality. I think this is where therapists start talking about some bullshit like how promiscuity is common amongst rape victims, because it makes them feel powerful to fuck other people with abandon. Soujiro probably thinks I'm going to leave him, but if he fucks me first, then I'll magically change my mind.
It's fine. I don't mind this. Whatever it takes to get him to stop crying.. I'll do it.
I kiss him back and he starts to stroke my private area with his hand quickly, making me flinch and groan helplessly in his mouth. I lean back and hiss, "Not too hard.. you're going too fast..!"
He slows down on his stroking on my hardening boner that's poking through my pajama pants, nodding, "Let's fuck, okay? You're mad at me. I can tell."
"I'm not mad at you."
"Oh yeah? Why should I trust you?"
For fuck's sake!
I inhale sharply, and then I shut my lips forcefully. Not now. Don't fucking scream, Kenshin. Don't let him have it. He wants you to react. Play it cool. I shake my head and wince, "Let's calm down, hon. Please?"
Silence.
"Let's fuck.." He pants, taking off his own shirt with haste before grabbing the hems of my pajama bottoms to drag them down, revealing my boxers that he purchased for me before, "You have such a beautiful cock.. let me suck on it.."
God fucking dammit. I hate how hot and sexy he is. I can feel my face sizzling and I grunt, leaning forward a bit so that I can take off my shirt carefully. It's already getting too hot in here. Once I throw my shirt aside, he leans in to kiss me on the lips again, feeling his quick fingers sneaking into the folds of the opening of my boxer briefs to reach my boner to begin pumping it. I groan into his mouth and he moans in return, a secret language shared between two liars. Liars who are devastatingly in love with each other, of course.
Soon we are both completely naked and I watch with my hand over my forehead as he suckles the head of my cock messily, sucking and licking over my slit generously. God, this feels so fucking amazing. I know, I know, I know. I know that ultimately, he's going to leave me someday, but for now, I'm going to enjoy what's left of our torrid yet passionate love affair.
Because that's what it was supposed to be at the end of the day, right?
Something temporary.
Something easy.
Something he can easily throw away once we graduate from high school.
That was his plan all along.. right?
My eyes roll to the back of my head as I whisper, "God.. you're not gonna deep throat me..?"
He moans and sucks hard on my head for a second before he shakes his head, "I want to make this part very sensitive before I sit on it. You'll feel almost too good."
I exhale, "Fuck, Soujiro..!"
He stops suckling and he nods, "Okay. I'm gonna make you wet all over now and I want you to put it in me. Whatever you do, don't cum until I tell you to. Okay?"
I nod hazily, "Uh huh.."
He groans and leans in to kiss me again. Our tongues wrestling each other helplessly. Man, he's really fucking upset today, huh? I touch the sides of his beautiful, soft face with my hands, enjoying the way he kisses me. I'm going to miss his kisses when he moves in with his mom. I'm going to miss how his body feels against mines. How his voice sounds in my ear late at night and in the morning, too.
I'll miss his blue eyes. His smile that devastates and excites me every single time I witness it. The unbearable pleasure I feel when I cum inside of him. All of it.
I'll miss you so much.
My body flinches and I couldn't hide it anymore. Soujiro leans back and I hear him gasp, "Kenshin?!"
I open my eyes and he gapes at me in shock. Oh no. Now what? Before I can react, I feel hot tears sliding down my cheeks again, and I curse at myself internally so. Why am I crying now?! I shut my eyes and try to turn my face away from him, but he simply grabs my face and I hear him cry out, "Look at me!"
I bite my lower lip.
No.
"LOOK AT ME!"
No..!
I grit my teeth and choke onto a sob, my eyes fluttering open to look at him. He looks so destroyed by the look of my eyes now. He wastes no time in hugging me before he cries again, and I couldn't hold it in anymore before I start to cry along with him.
Great.
So much for playing it cool today.
"Why are you..?!" Soujiro gasps as he cries in my neck again, "Why are you crying? Why, Kenshin, why?!"
I hold onto him tightly. The love of my life. My endless heart.
"I.." My voice falters and I inhale with more tears streaming down my face, "I can't.. tell you why.."
He moves so that he looks at me openly again, his expression either one of frustration or sheer annoyance. He seethes, "Why not?!"
I gulp, shutting my eyes, which prompts another set of tears running down my face, "I just can't.."
"Yes you can," He takes my chin in his hand firmly so that I can look at him again, "I'm your boyfriend.. no.. I'm your husband! You have to tell me!"
Oh, Soujiro. I couldn't help but chuckle at what he just said, "We're not married ye—"
He shuts me up with kissing me passionately on the lips, his other hand quickly reaching back down on my cock to stroke it with a strange, new nervousness that I've never felt from him before. I gasp in pleasure, surprised by this. All this time, Soujiro plays up this image of being incredibly competent in the matters of the bedroom, as a way to seduce me to fuck him on his own will. He always moved in bed with the confidence of someone who's done this a million times before.
But now, his fingers move with the clumsiness of a shy young lover who's never done this before. It's like he's suddenly forgotten how to do things in bed correctly. He grunts, looking at my cock with a weird frown on his face, his cheeks reddening at the realization that he's not doing this too well. I watch him carefully, floored by this.
Is he okay?
"I'm your.. husband.." He whispers, gulping with nervousness as he finally starts to stroke me more correctly than a few seconds ago, "There we go.. there we go.."
My eyes roll to the back of my head as I groan, loving this. I stroke the back of his head gently with one head and with the other, reach down to start rubbing his cock. He flinches but then moans softly at this, turning his face so that we can kiss again. If he wants to have sex now, that's no problem. I just hope he's not having some weird meltdown or starts freaking out in the middle of me fucking him. He starts to harden in my hand and I start to pump him gently, while he does the same with me.
"I'm your husband.." he mumbles against my lips, "I'm your everything.."
I nod once, kissing the area under his eye lovingly, "You are.."
"Tell me."
"You're my everything. Fuck, Soujiro, I love you so much.."
A few moments later, Soujiro's back on giving me a blowjob on all fours, while I'm sitting upright on the edge of the bed. I look and tilt my body towards the side so that I can start stroking his ass cheeks, loving how soft yet firm they are. To think all of this happened because I was giving Soujiro attitude this morning is honestly nuts. Like I said, I didn't mean to be a dick outright to him today, and just wanted to maintain some distance.
Just so he doesn't feel torn between choosing me, or his mom..
But.. it looks like he doesn't take any hint of distance from me well, and it shows. He comes up from sucking me off before focusing on the head of my cock, sliding the tip of his tongue into the slit now. I exhale shakily, giving a firm squeeze of his ass cheek to show my appreciation. There is a groan erupting in the back of his throat as I do that, lifting his ass upwards in response to my touch. He continues to give way too much attention to the head of my cock until I begin to writhe and whine unhappily, almost hating how sensitive it has become now.
"Ugh, Sou.. stop.." I grit my teeth.
He sits on his kneecaps now before hacking and spitting a wet slob of saliva all over the length of my dick, nodding, "You're ready. Can you prepare me next?"
"Oh.. uh.. like..?"
He doesn't wait for me to construct my question correctly before he lies all the way back on the mattress, lifting the back of his legs with his hands firmly to prepare his position. His hands then slides over to where the opening of his ass is to spread it open, and I watch with potent desire now at the sight of his hole wide open. Oh. I see. I crawl over to him and lean in to start jabbing my tongue deep into his ass hole, savoring the way his body flinches and the way he softly moans at the sensation.
Maybe I should keep being a distant asshole if this is how he's going to respond to me. I couldn't help but smirk at this thought while my tongue is now circling around his hole dutifully.
"What's so funny?" Soujiro's voice is husky with arousal yet with a hint of annoyance now.
I drag my tongue around his ball sack now, the smile still plastered on my face as I do so. I shake my head regardless, "Nothing."
"Tell me.."
I sigh, "It's just. I'm surprised you want to fuck me after I gave you the cold shoulder today.."
Silence. I continue to lick around the areas around his hole before diving back in there, nearly tongue fucking his hole at this point. My skin breaks out in goosebumps as I hear Soujiro grunting and moaning happily at all of this, and I couldn't help but start to also stroke his hard cock while tongue fucking him. He tastes so fucking good, I swear. After a few moments of this, Soujiro touches the top of my head gently and whispers huskily, "That's enough. Sit back like normal now.."
I do as I am told. I sit against the headboard of my bed, waiting patiently as he crawls on over back to me to sit on my lap. There is so much saliva oozing out of his hole that I can feel it spilling over my cock now, and he stares at me head on as I adjusts himself by using my shoulder blade to support himself. I keep my hands on the sides of his hips to help him, keeping our eyes gazing deep into each other as we do so. There is a breadth of silence for a moment before he finally slides the first few centimeters of my cock into his hole, and I inhale sharply at this crazy sensation I'm feeling now.
It feels too good! My eyes widen at him in surprise (Or maybe panic?) and he shushes me gently. He pauses to watch my expression before he slides himself down slowly, smiling sickeningly at my face as I tighten the hold I have of his hips helplessly, a sharp sensation pulsing through my lower regions. It almost hurts to feel him come down second by maddening second. He now has his arms around my neck, and once he's sitting all the way down on my cock.. his arms tighten harder and harder until I feel like he's becoming a fucking snake trying to cut off my circulation.
He doesn't do this too hard, though, opting to give me just enough to make sure I am able to breathe. And groan deeply, too, when he slowly starts to move his hips into mines. I place my hand on the small of his upper back, my breathing hitching and faltering as he starts to grind his hips into mine; my cock feeling way too irritated by his overzealous blowjob. It's sending shocks of pain and pleasure in sharp notes instead of the usual deep, yet slow waves that I've grown accustomed to whenever I make love to Soujiro.
I'm guessing this is all done on purpose by him, though. He watches my facial expressions carefully as he now starts to lift his ass up and pushing back down on it, smirking at all of this. He leans in to whisper hotly into my ear, "It's good, right?"
"Too good!" I exhale, grasping his back harshly from the razor-sharp pain and pleasure coursing through my cock now. He chuckles.
"Will you tell me now?"
"What?"
"Will you tell me what's on your mind?"
His movements are driving me insane. He keeps his grip around my neck with his arms tightly as he rides me, smiling as he can see me struggling. I keep gasping and groaning at the intense pleasure I'm experiencing right now while inside of him, wrapping my arms around his mid section now in a loving embrace. I love this. I love him. I love being with him. I love being his and him being mines. I don't know what I was thinking. I thought I was strong enough to do what I think is right, but Soujiro has once again proven that I can't live without him.
And it looks like he can't survive out there without me either.
So.. it goes without saying.. but I tell him the truth.
With a faltering breath, I answer, "I don't.. want you to leave.."
"Leave?" He breathes into my ear as he continues to ride me slowly, licking the side of my face.
I groan at that, rubbing my cheek against his, "Yeah. To.. your mom's.."
Silence. He watches me intently as he continues to rub his hole against my cock, loosening his arms around my neck to peck me on the cheek lovingly, "Okay."
Okay?
That's it?
I turn to him in confusion, "What?"
He giggles, kissing my temple, "Okay. I won't leave. I.. I don't.. I don't know why I even said that before.. I don't think I can even transfer because school is almost over, anyway.."
I watch him carefully, his eyes fluttering down to cast a forlorn gaze at my chest. Immediately, I gulp and shake my head, "I do want you to be with your mom. I know you miss her."
"I do wish I can see her again.."
"Then we'll go see her. Together."
"Yeah.."
"Soujiro?"
He looks up at me now, his eyes full of love for me. My heart constricts at the beauty right in front of me. I'm surprised Soujiro never tried his hand in modelling before. I don't say this because I'm in love with him, I'm saying this because he really is that good looking. Especially up close like this.
I continue, "I never want to be in your way of your happiness."
He smiles weakly, "You don't. You won't. I won't let you."
I sigh with a smile, "Yeah?"
"Yeah. And besides.."
He takes my shoulders to pull them forward, leaning backwards so that I can follow through by moving myself so that I can get on top of him now with his back lying over the mattress again. I carefully start to grind against him, my eyes fluttering close as I feel my eyeballs rolling back in pleasure with the sharp sensation shooting from my dick all the way through my spine. Soujiro makes it worse, somehow, with the way he purposefully tightens his hole around me, amplifying this torture.
Soujiro whispers, "How can I continue to control you with all those miles between us?"
"Hnn..?"
"I need to be fucked by you often. Daily, even. How can I do that if I move in with her?"
I chuckle, "Oh. I see. I'm just your fuck toy, is that it?"
"And so much more."
I sigh, "I'm sorry, Soujiro. For this morning. For really, just.. everything.."
"Yeah," He starts to grind his own hips upward to meet in time as my hips grind downwards, making me groan happily, "I have to punish you for years to come after everything you've put me through. It's only fair."
"Haa, Soujiro..!" I moan, getting ahead of myself with quickening my hip movements against his and delighting in the slick, wet heat of his hole.
"Oh, god.." Soujiro moans also, dragging his fingernails against my back now, "Don't you know I need your cock? Idiot."
"Fuck..!"
I am now pounding him, the pleasure of it indescribable. He is moaning like the wanton little slut that he is and I keep everything in my power to not cum too soon. But it's too hard. Between my dick made too sensitive from his blowjob and the sounds and faces he's making, I couldn't hold back and soon cum while biting back my sobbing from how fucking amazing it feels. I keep cumming for at least ten seconds, a record for me. The last bit of my cumming is really just me having a secondary orgasm without anything coming out of me, which left me trembling and now crying tears of joys as I lie on top of him, letting the orgasm rip through me.
It was..
Perfect.
Just like he is.
"Mm," He smirks, kissing my wet forehead now while I catch my breath, "I want you to look at the mess you've made."
I take a few moments panting and trembling, taking my sweet time in sitting up and unplugging myself from his hole. He takes this opportunity to spread his hole with his hands nice and wide open for me. I look at his hole, completely and utterly drenched with my cum. I keep panting, completely in love with the sight in front of me.
"That's all you're good at doing, Kenshin," Soujiro bites his lower lip lewdly at me, "All you do is cause messes for me to clean up."
I shut my eyes, my breath slowing down, "I'm sorry.."
"You should be. I'm tired of cleaning up after your messes."
"I'm sorry.."
"Look at me."
I do so, my cheeks warm with embarrassment. Soujiro glares at me, slipping in a finger inside of his hole. I gulp, my head swimming.
"You clean this up." Is all he said and I nod, placing my own fingers inside of his hole now before I start to find his prostate to rub and coax an orgasm out of him next.
Well..
At least it's better than fighting.
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We took a shower together and now Soujiro's cuddling up with me in the bed, refusing to let me go for anything in the world. As much as I love him and love spending time with him, I'm suddenly hit with a type of annoyance that I used to feel back then when I first got to know him. It's a kind of annoyance I always feel when people feel the need to be all up in my space or in my business. But I guess I deserve this. I acted like such a fucking asshole today and he's going to react the only way he knows will get me to fold:
By acting like a damsel in distress.
I sigh, rolling my eyes at the fact. Soujiro stirs in my arms and hums happily, "What's wrong?"
I shrug, "Nothing."
He rubs his face against mines, "Okay. I believe you."
Oh, for God's sake.
At that moment, before I could react to him properly, we hear something vibrate. I look at my night stand where my phone is, but the screen is not lit up. Must be Soujiro's phone going off, then. I watch as Soujiro sits up and reaches over to his phone that he has in his pajama pocket, the clothing article that he flung over the other end of my bed frame carelessly before we fucked.
"It's Sano?" He frowns, blinking at the screen. I look at him flatly.
"Answer, then." I shrug casually, draping my arm over my eyes. I suddenly feel so tired and I don't know why.
Silence.
"You think he'll yell at me?" I hear him ask me meekly.
I grunt, shrugging again without an answer. He sighs with irritation. I hear him speaking into his phone now, "Hello?"
Silence.
"Hey.."
Silence.
"Oh. Yeah, I can talk now. What's up?"
Silence.
"Um. Sure. Let me just.."
I grunt as I feel the mattress shift when Soujiro climbs out of it. I peek under my arm to look at him walk away from me and through my door, closing it behind him. Okay, that was weird. Why did he had to leave to take the call? I carefully sit up and stare at my door, convinced he'll come right back in this instant. But he doesn't and instead, I hear his bedroom door down the hall closing and locking. I blink.
What the hell was that all about?
I know last night was embarrassing with the way he cried in front of me, Sano, and Kaoru. But why didn't Sanosuke called me? Is he maybe mad at me for talking to Kaoru the other night? The corner of my lips flinch at that thought and I let my eyes fall towards the floor. Oh man. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe he's pissed off that I'd stoop so low as to "sneak around" with an ex girlfriend, especially since Sanosuke and Soujiro renewed their bond over me being at the hospital for my broken nose.
I wonder what they're talking about..
After several minutes, Soujiro finally comes back, his naked glory an absolute sight to behold. Okay, so maybe we've had some tense moments between us ever since last night, but he's still gorgeous to look at. I smile at him lewdly, looking at his body up and down, "Damn, baby.."
"Sano wants to talk to you. About Kaoru," Soujiro frowns at me, not in the mood for my usual flirty bullshit, "Said that she and him talked this morning and are cool with everything, surprisingly. But.. he just wants to talk to you."
I blink, "Oh. Yeah, sure. I'll call him in a bit."
He nods, not adding anymore. He suddenly looks unhappy to be here for some reason. I watch him for a moment, before I get up from my bed to walk over where he's at. He evades my eyes, but I don't let it stop me from embracing him. He doesn't hug me back, but no matter. I hug him tighter, kissing his shoulder blade, the side of his neck, and his cheek.
"I love you." I whisper near his ear, reaching down his spine with my hand while rubbing the back of his head with my other hand lovingly.
He sighs, not answering me. I smirk, kissing his cheek again. He's so cute when he's pissed off. But then he takes a step back to break the embrace and suddenly walks off, mumbling, "I'll see you later."
"Sou!" I grab his arm, stopping him from walking away, "Wait.."
He doesn't respond, not turning around to face me. I get it now. I was acting like a nonchalant asshole once again before he took that call from Sano. I sigh, "I'm.. I'm sorry. Soujiro. Please look at me, baby."
He doesn't move for a moment, taking his time to look at me from behind his shoulder. His eyes look teary once again, prompting me to pull his arm towards me to embrace him once again. He couldn't help but start weeping again on me, his eyes wet against my throat. I wrap my arms around him once again, smiling, "Let me make you some tea. I'll take good care of you today. I'm an asshole and I'm sorry.."
He gulps, nodding, "Okay.."
I take his face gently in my hands to make him look at me, kissing him on the lips. He melts into the kiss with a sigh, wrapping his arms around my neck now. I love him so much, I swear. I don't care how hard he wants to make things. I know he doesn't mean it. He's just suffering.
And I'm going to do everything I can to make him feel better.
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"Hello, Sano?"
I am back alone in my bedroom after I made tea for Soujiro and I in the kitchen. Soujiro was still pretty weepy, and I kept kissing his face and his wet tears from his eyes as the tea bags settled in our cups. He seemed to feel so much better now that I've become affectionate towards him again. I realize now what my real issue is: I have a tendency to push people away or repress how I truly feel beneath the surface, instead of talking things out.
I though it was the right thing to do once upon a time, but now.. all it does is hurt me and everyone I love.
It's a tough lesson to learn.
But once again, Soujiro helped me with something.
"Hey," I hear Sanosuke's voice on the other line, "Kenshin. How are you?"
I blink, and then smile, "I'm okay. I.. I guess you and Soujiro talked about something serious."
"Yeah.."
Silence.
I shift on my heels awkwardly and mumble into my phone, "Well, what's up?"
"Can I come over?"
I grunt, surprised by this.
"Y-yeah? You can. Sano, are you okay?"
"I'll tell you all about it when I get there. Give me like fifteen."
I nod for some reason, "Yeah, okay. I'll see you later, bro."
He hangs up and I look at my phone, a bit mystified by his behavior. I wonder what he'll tell me when he gets here. It better not be anything serious. I've had enough of the stress from these past several days now and I need a break. I sigh, my shoulders deflating. Well, no use in running away anymore, I need to start being there for people even if I don't feel like it.
I head back into Soujiro's room, watching him as he finishes up a quiz for class on his laptop. He submits, sighs happily at the high score, and promptly closes his laptop to turn to me with a beam. My heart constricts. I can't believe he's still all smiles despite all that's happened already today. He really is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I smile in return before walking on over where he's at to embrace him from where he sits. He hugs me back, and we don't say anything for a while, opting to just enjoy the warmth of the love we share together.
Universe, if you are hearing this.. thank you for this love.
I kiss under his eye gently and he chuckles, "What did Sano wanted to talk about?"
"He wants to come over. Said he'll be here in like ten minutes from now."
He looks at me with a pleasant surprise, "Oh really? That's great."
"Sou.." I look at him with hesitation, "What did he talked to you about?"
"Well.." He smiles shyly at the floor for a moment, before his smile fades away, ".. Just that, he wants to check in on us, that's all. He said the way I behaved last night was worrying him, and he realizes how much he cares about us. He doesn't want us to break up, and.. really, just anyone in our lives loves the way we love each other."
I gape at him, a bit stunned at hearing all of this. He continues with a gentle smile at me now.
"And you know, it's funny. My whole life, I was taught that a love like this, never less a friendship like the one Sano and I have.. are never for people like me. I was taught that real love and true friendships are only reserved for those who are deserving of it. For those who are, you know.. normal."
I shake my head with a smile, "There's that damn word again. Normal."
He nods, leaning in to kiss my eyelid, "Yeah. I don't like that word anymore."
"Me neither. We're better than normal. We're.."
"Extraordinary!" He giggles, and I snigger under my breath as we continue to stroke our faces against each other affectionately.
This, I promise you, Soujiro..
I'm going to make the rest of your life better than ordinary.
You'll see.
(To be continued)