That night, Harm noticed that Mac kept flinching in discomfort from pain in the back of her neck, so he gingerly offered to give her a back rub. She couldn't hide her delight, as she lay down willingly and prepared for him to work out the bothersome kinks. He sat to the side of her hips and pressed his hands down firmly into her back, rubbing her deep muscles in large, meditative circles. He moved upwards to her neck and focused his attention on the strained tendons there. His nimble fingers began smoothing out the stiffness around her shoulders. He leaned some of his weight on her, and did his best to wipe out her soreness. Within fifteen minutes, Mac could feel all of the tension leave her body. She was lost in a world of wonderful sensations, as Harm kneaded her flesh with knowing hands. Harm, too, was completely absorbed in his ministrations, and concentrated on giving her relief from her tired, aching muscles. His slow movements were executed on a near sub-conscious level.
When she began to sigh in pleasure, Harm felt a slight stirring within, but continued rubbing her back with full intensity. He enjoyed the physical contact with her body, and was glad she did too.
"That feels sooooooo incredibly good, Harm. You're amazing!" Mac praised him through heavily lidded eyes. Harm took in her profile, with her loose hair falling seductively around her face. He pushed aside his momentary longing, and resolutely persisted in the task at hand.
After the fourth sensual moan, his fingers stung with an electric pulse. He stilled his hands.
"Stop that," he said firmly.
"Mmmmm, what…." Mac said drowsily. He resumed tracing his hands over her skin, and tried to ignore the sexual awareness that was building.
"Ahhhh…" Mac purred in pleasure, conjuring up images in Harm's mind of other gratifying endeavors. It was too much.
"That!" he said with his voice about to crack.
"What are you talking about?" she asked when Harm abruptly stopped stroking her back. She leaned up to study him.
"All those little sounds you're making. Knock it off. I'm trying to concentrate."
"Why?" Mac asked innocently. "Are they bothering you?"
"Well,…yes! I'm only human, you know!" He sighed in exasperation.
Mac smiled to herself, and had to probe further.
"Ohhhh," she whispered in a sexy voice. "You mean like when I whimper and moan?" She laughed out loud at the troubled expression she saw on Harm. "I can't help it! I'm just letting you know that I'm enjoying the back rub."
"Well, I'm glad you like it, but give me a break here!"
"Hormones getting the better of you, Harm?" Mac kidded.
"Lean back down," Harm commanded, and Mac unthinkingly obeyed. He guided her shoulders to the sand and began reapplying pressure to her muscles, disregarding her provocative comment.
With her eyes no longer examining him, he finally said, "Let's just get back to work. Put a lid on it, will you?"
Mac was absolutely humming in delight over the effect she had on him. How infinitely intriguing! How remarkable! Mac was imbued by the amazing experience of feeling wanted. The usually unshakable Harmon Rabb was flustered because of her. She let the wonderful knowledge permeate her being.
She couldn't resist a little more teasing. "Mmmmmm, oh yes, Harm… a little lower, yesssss….just like that…"
"Ma-ac, what are you trying to do?" Harm asked forcefully. Then, he mentally backed up and tried to explain his outburst. "It has been a long time for me…and…"
Mac immediately stiffened under his touch. Harm could tell the moment that her mood changed. Her spine became rigid. Harm lifted his fingers, and awkwardly searched for an apology at his perceived indiscretion.
"I'm sorry, Mac. I shouldn't have mentioned that," he said self-depreciatively. "It's not something I ought to be discussing with you." He sat back on his bent knees and placed his hands in his lap.
Mac was overwhelmed with hurt and anger. She had never known Harm to openly lie to her. She couldn't believe that he was starting now.
Mac sat up and gave him a challenging stare. She decided to face this head on. "What exactly do you mean that it has been a long time for you?"
"Well, you know…" Harm stammered in shock. "It's…been a while…since…um..." He felt uncomfortable under her scrutinizing glare.
"Since you've had sex with a blond?" she filled in with a biting tone. "Oh, please. Don't lie to me. You're personal life is none of my business, but don't outright lie to me, Harm!"
"Lie to you…why would I lie to you?" He replied in dismay. He felt increasingly agitated by her accusatory tone.
"I saw you with that girl, Harm,…the last night we were in Cartagena. Don't tell me you left the bar with her to go over her testimony!"
"You were there?" Harm looked caught and embarrassed, but also perplexed by her strong emotions.
"Yes, I was there, Damn it! And I can tell when a guy is making a move…You were all over her!"
"Look, what you saw—"
"Don't patronize me, Harm! I deserve better than that!"
"I think you're overreacting. It wasn't what you think…well, essentially, it was….but…" Harm tried to clarify, but Mac would have none of it.
"Harm, you have a right to sleep with whoever you want. Please spare me the details! Just don't tell me it didn't happen, when we both know it did." Mac was openly hostile towards him. Harm groped for a way to disarm her.
"Listen, Mac…" Harm reached his hand out to Mac in contrition. She recoiled at his touch. Tears sprang in her eyes, and she fought back the raw feelings that she thought had been dealt with long ago. Without warning, all of the rejection and despair resurfaced, and Mac instinctively wanted to fight back. But then, she resigned herself to the pitiful truth that there was no use attacking Harm. Arguing with him would only bring her more anguish. Worn out of alternatives, Mac decided to take the honest approach.
"Harm, I've lived in the wings for so long…," she said wearily. "It just…hurts," she choked out, "…to see you passionate and infatuated with every blond woman that comes along,…making love,…to everyone else…but never me…" She ended her admission in a voice strained with emotion.
Harm was astounded at her words, but was also immediately weighed down by all of the competing thoughts and feelings that ran through his head. It didn't make sense. He was obviously missing a piece of the puzzle. Didn't she have Webb? Why did she care what he did in his private life? Although he sensed Mac's vulnerability, still Harm resented her condemnation of him when she was being so hypocritical.
"Why does it matter to you who I have sex with, Mac?" Harm registered instantly that it was the wrong thing to say, but he couldn't back down from his rapidly rising defensiveness.
"It shouldn't," Mac responded flatly.
"Well, I'd have thought it wouldn't concern you, since you have Webb."
Mac's jaw dropped open when she realized what he must have assumed. She didn't know what to say, or where to begin.
Harm evaluated her lack of response. He knew she had seen Clayton since their return to D.C. She couldn't deny that. What irritated him the most, what tore at his heart actually, was that…It Wasn't Enough. For weeks on end, he'd ruminated on that thought. Going down to Paraguay, throwing away his career, even giving up flying…none of that was enough for Mac to choose him…to come to him. She went to Webb instead. Yes, his ego was threatened. He didn't like to lose. But, underneath all of the suppressed anger, there still resided the sting of rejection. Harm had done his best to block that out. It all came back in a flash.
Harm was hit with another curve ball when Mac made her next confession. "I'm not with Clayton. I never was," Mac spoke evenly, and gave Harm a moment to fully comprehend what she meant.
Harm took in a deep breath and shook his head in doubt. "I saw you kiss him, and I know you've been seeing him, Mac."
"Yes, I visited him at the hospital, and tried to support him in his recovery. But before I left on our last assignment, I let him know that I couldn't be romantically involved with him. I don't return his feelings."
Harm's eyes widened at this new revelation. A long-hidden weight seemed to be lifted off of his shoulders, and he struggled to find the words to reconnect with Mac.
After a long silence, he said, "I guess I drew the wrong conclusion about your relationship then. I should apologize for speaking so harshly." He knew he must have sounded pretty judgmental.
Mac pulled her knees up, and wrapped her arms around her legs tightly, as if pulling into a cocoon. Harm felt a deep sense of regret at all of the time they'd lost in confusion and hurt. He knew he had to clear the air further, but treaded carefully. He needed to illuminate Mac about what happened the night at the bar, but he wasn't sure how to make things right without engendering more distress. He didn't want to offend Mac, or add to her heartache.
Harm swallowed his discomfort, and ventured into the difficult matter that loomed before them. "Mac,…about that night in Cartagena—"
"You're not accountable to me, Harm," she said quickly. "You don't have to make excuses for your actions. God knows, I understand why you'd want to…"
"I'm not making excuses—" Harm insisted.
"Well, you're a normal guy, and…"
"Yes, that's true, but actually—" Harm interjected, trying to catch up to her and make his case.
"I'm sure every once in a while you just want to be with a woman…" Mac continued talking, not making eye contact.
"Well, I did want to, but…as it turned out—"
"Harm, it's okay. I'm not judging you…"
"Would you let me get a word in edgewise, please?" Harm raised his voice to be heard over her ongoing dialogue. "Jeez, Mac. This is hard enough without having to bang my head against your thick skull!"
Mac was sufficiently rebuked, and gave Harm her complete attention. The chill ran across Mac's skin. What Harm had to tell her was obviously very important to him.
"As I was saying, I'd like to shed light on what you saw…" Harm looked her directly in the eyes and silently waited for a signal to proceed.
"Go ahead. I'm listening." She mentally braced herself for details she didn't want to hear.
Harm thought he'd better cut to the chase and spell it out for her. "I didn't sleep with her."
Mac met his penetrating stare and knew he was telling the truth. Her heart filled with a relief. She let go of the breath she held and unfolded her arms.
"I'll admit I found her very attractive, and really wanted to…go to bed with her. But I couldn't do it." Harm looked down in defeat. Somehow he felt ashamed at having his more base motives laid bare to Mac. "I haven't been with anyone since Renee, and even that I can barely remember. The crash wiped out most of those memories."
Mac looked at Harm skeptically, and Harm raised his hands open in submission. "Honest!" Mac rolled her eyes. Harm tried again, "Contrary to what you may believe, I don't sleep around. And before you say anything more, I've barely even dated."
"You've been celibate for two years, Harm? That is hard to believe." Mac waited for him to elaborate, a look of incredulity written all over her face.
"Well, it's the truth. That's the sad reality of my personal life." Harm let his statement stand up to her inquiry.
"Why?"
Mac's question caught Harm of guard. "Why?…Why haven't I had sex in two years?" He raised his eyebrows.
"Yeah, I'm just curious. You're attractive; you could easily find a woman…" Harm warmed slightly from her compliment, but still had to challenge the incorrect notions she had of him.
"Maybe I don't just want to find any woman. I'm not interested in that anymore. I never really was."
"What was Renee then, besides a warm body?" she countered.
"Oka-ay,…I was willing to settle with that for a while… But I've changed, I guess. Maybe I've grown. I'm not interested in just a physical relationship,…although, of course, that would be nice.…" He couldn't help but smile. "I miss being intimate with a woman." Harm couldn't believe he had just disclosed that to Mac. It seemed more personal than he meant to take things. Yet, he checked and Mac didn't seem too concerned about his admission. She moved right on, in her typical headstrong manner.
"Well, what are you looking for then?"
Harm thought about his answer. He wanted to be completely candid with Mac. "I want it all. I want to share my life with someone, get married, have children. I think I'm ready for that now." His eyes meet hers without fear or indecision. His expression was compelling, as if trying to communicate a message beyond his limited words.
A sweet feeling of optimism began to spread within Mac. The way Harm was looking at her, you'd think he was able to peel away the layers of her soul and peer right inside. A smile opened up her face to him, and unanticipated gladness filled her right down to her toes. Harm smiled back. Without words, they both knew there was hope for them after all.
It was then that they really began to talk. They didn't push the significance of their relationship any more that evening. There was enough to absorb already. With a new unconditional acceptance, Harm and Mac settled down for sleep together in the shelter, and spoke quietly into the night. They shared their dreams, hopes, and disappointments in life with deeper intimacy. For the first time, Harm told Mac about his crash ten years earlier and recovery at his grandmother's farm house. Mac lay riveted on his every word, honored that he would share so much of himself with her. Mac learned about his struggles and periods of self-doubt, and also the process of psychological healing. Finally, Mac had insight into the dynamics of his relationship with Diane and how that tied to her. Harm admitted how much he had loved her, and how fear had strangled his ability to risk again. Mac also explored some of the issues of her early family life and alcoholism. Harm understood Mac even better when he realized the extent of the abuse she'd endured. Her inner strength shone through all of the adversity she'd faced. He respected her courage and diligence, and admired the decisions she'd made to overcome her past.
When they finally succumbed to the need for sleep, Harm pulled Mac tight up against him, and spooned with her from behind. He wrapped one leg over hers and cuddled her possessively. He kissed her softly on the cheek. Mac smiled with her eyes closed, and moved into him a little closer, drifting to slumber in utter bliss.