tw - mental health

Chapter 15

Her goal of not worrying her friends this term had already been met with abysmal failure. Since the night of her midnight swim in the lake, everyone had been walking on eggshells around her, convinced her late night dive had been some thinly veiled cry for help, no matter how many times she tried to convince them she was fine, really she was just swimming.

We're just checking in on you, Vivian. We just want to be there for you, V. We're just worried about you, Viv.

She loved them all with her whole heart she really did, but after a week of it, she'd had more than enough of being checked in on. Probably enough for the rest of her lifetime. It felt like no matter what direction she turned, there was someone else asking her if she was okay, did she need to talk, etc. etc.. Not that she was ungrateful for their concern, but truly all she had done was take an ill advised swim after a few too many drinks! Were they going to treat her like cracked china forever?

Alicia and Angelina were near insufferable now, always trying to force her out of bed for breakfast and acting like she's on the brink of a psychological collapse whenever she refuses. They seemed to have oh-so conveniently forgotten that she had always made a habit of missing breakfast, opting for the extra hour of sleep over the meal.

Alicia had also made it her habit to prevent Vivian from going back to their room after dinner, insisting she needed to socialize. Nevermind the fact that she had spent every afternoon and free period she had that week with them. Nevermind the fact that she had mountains of homework to get through because so much of her time was now spent being babysat by her friends under the guise of "socializing".

Angelina had also become very attentive, she somehow always seemed to be going exactly where Vivian's next class was or always seemed to be needing some fresh air the second she stepped towards the door alone. Convenient.

And of course George was constantly looking at her as though she could burst into tears at any moment, no matter what she did. She could be laughing at something Lee said and she'd look over and there he'd be: already watching her with that anxious look on his face that just screamed I'm worried about my fragile friend. Not that she could necessarily blame him of course, or any of them really which was the most frustrating thing. She knew she only had herself to blame for freaking them out so much. Again.

Even Fred was treating her with a sensitivity she had never seen him exhibit, which is how you knew something was really wrong here. She had been in the common room with the twins as they worked, trying to perfect a candy that would ideally cause someone's limbs to grow twice their normal size - an adaptation of the failed hair growth product they had been testing before Christmas. They were complaining (for a while she might add) about how they couldn't find anyone to test their products. Someone had apparently warned all the 1st years about them and their friends had of course long since learned their lessons, leaving the twins with very little options as far as test subjects go.

Vivian wasn't doing anything important that day or the next. She was bored. She'd test it for them, why not? She'd told them as much, even going so far as to reach for the candy when Fred snatched it away from her.

"No," they both chorused, hardly looking at her.

She huffed, annoyed. She was just beginning to grow tired of their coddling her. She was a big girl, she could handle a little prank candy. It wasn't being self destructive (as George and Alicia put it) to test candy for god's sake.

"You two just spent the last hour complaining about no one wanting to test these for you! I'm a willing victim offering myself up to you," she said, waving her hands in front of her face as though presenting herself. "Come on, I want to see what it does."

"No," George insisted, still barely paying her a glance.

"Fred, you know you're dying to test these out," she switched tactics, deciding George was a lost cause.

"Nah V, we'll find someone else to test it for us, don't worry," he replied, giving her a genuinely kind smile that infuriated her. She wasn't worried about them finding someone to test it on. She wanted them to test it on her. And it was unbelievably irritating that they were passing this opportunity up despite her insistence that she was fine.

Okay, perhaps fine wasn't exactly the right word. Alright was probably closer. Maybe adequate? Passable? It was difficult to put a label on it. Especially one that her two attentive, living parents having friends would understand. And even if she wasn't fine now, she would be fine. Eventually. Or at least that's what she told herself on the nights she had to cast a Muffliato charm on her bed curtains to keep her roommates from hearing her quiet sniffles. She had managed to make it through Eli's death and come out on the other side and that had been much more sudden, much worse. She would make it through this. Somehow. She had to.

None of these thoughts she voiced to her friends of course. They were all practically bending over backwards to make sure she was okay, and it only served to make her feel more guilty about the fact that she seemed to be a constant source of concern for them. It seemed cruel of her to burden them with more of her problems. More trouble than I'm worth she would think bitterly to herself every time one of them fussed over her–another ugly thought she would be keeping to herself. They wanted her to be fine now and admitting to any of them that she could barely describe herself as adequate would only send them into further worry about her mental state, which of course would only make her feel like an even worse friend than she was already being as of late.

She just wanted everyone to start treating her normally again. Like she wasn't some damaged thing that needed to be babysat and managed. If only so she could stop feeling like a burden. But even trying to bring this up with them proved futile. They would all insist that they had absolutely no idea what she's talking about and they were just being themselves, wanting to hang out with her. Like she was an idiot, like she was incapable of seeing the differences in their behavior. It was ludicrous, is what it was.

After a week, with her friends' aggressively kind behavior threatening to spill into another week, Vivian had had enough. She tried to be a good sport about it, she really, really did, but even the strongest had their limits. Their doting concern, while she knew it was coming from a good place, was also starting to make her feel more than a little pathetic and a lot embarrassed, as though they suddenly thought her the type of person that needed to be pitied. If she looked up right as they all averted their eyes from her one more time she was gonna lose it, for real.

Before she had the opportunity however, by some miracle, maybe through some divine act of god, her prayers were answered when Rena came up to her at the end of dinner, claiming to need assistance on their Care Of homework and would Vivian be so kind as to go to the library with her so they could work on it.

If it had been any other week, Vivian would have been annoyed to be forced into an impromptu homework session, but, lucky for Rena, she had caught her in a desperate, need to avoid the guilt and frustration I feel around my friends for even just an hour kind of mood and Vivian readily agreed to assist.

After saying a hasty goodbye to her Gryffindor friends, she followed Rena out the Great Hall but was surprised when she beelined for the nearest girl's bathroom rather than towards the library, motioning for Vivian to join her inside.

"I don't actually need help with the homework," Rena admitted when Vivian faced her at the sinks, a curious eyebrow raised at the sudden detour.

"Oh?" Vivian asked, interest immediately peaked at the oddly nervous energy the Slytherin was displaying.

"I wanted to apologize for what I said at the party the other night about your parents and everything," Rena said, guilt emanating through her voice. "It was totally inappropriate and probably really insulting with what you're going through right now."

"Oh," Vivian sighed. Her parents. What she was going through. Of course. What else would this have been about? What else did anyone want to discuss with her these days? "Uh, don't worry I know you didn't mean anything by it."

"Thanks," Rena sighed, clearly relieved by her easy forgiveness. "And hey if you ever need to talk I'm here for you."

"Thanks Rena," she didn't bother mentioning that there was already a waitlist of volunteers ahead of her should Vivian ever need to talk. She smiled politely as Rena made her exit leaving Vivian alone in the bathroom where the deep frown immediately returned to her face. She was just a walking, talking, pity case for everyone now it seemed. There was no escaping this. Even her most casual friends were feeling sorry for her. How humiliating.

Once she was certain Rena had gone, she started her walk to Gryffindor Tower, attempting to mentally prepare herself to return to her common room. She had been doing a splendid job of keeping the worst of her emotions contained up til that point that day, but Rena's words had forced her mind to once again return to exactly the place she had been trying to avoid, sending that already precarious wall crumbling down. she could feel the heat of her anger, sorrow, and frustration bubbling up into her throat, threatening to burst. She took deep breaths as she walked, ignoring the odd looks she received as she desperately tried to rein in her emotions. Her friends, especially George, were going to pick up on her sour(er) mood as soon as she stepped through the door and god help her if they did.

Realizing she was going to need longer than the walk to Gryffindor would provide to calm herself, Vivian ducked into the first classroom she saw, nearly slamming the door behind her, taking a deep breath as she pressed her forehead against the wood, silently begging the lump in her throat to dissipate and her heart rate to return to normal.

"Uh hi," a quiet voice breaking the silence behind her made her whirl around to face the rest of the room where she found green eyes peering at her curiously over a pair of round glasses.

"Harry. Fancy seeing you here. Popular abandoned classroom I guess," she choked out her feeble attempt at a joke while standing awkwardly by the door as she hurriedly tried to wipe away the tears that she had failed to keep from falling.

"Yeah…you okay?" he asked, noticing her reddened face.

She sighed, letting her shoulders fall as she shut her eyes, before opening them and making her way over to the cluster of desks the third year was standing near.

"I wish everyone would stop asking me that," she said finally as she slid into the seat in front of him and slumped down with her arms crossed over her chest

"I've found if you pretend you're really doing fine most people get tired of asking after a while," he commented casually as he practiced the swirl movement of some spell he had seemingly been working on before she barged in.

"I think I'm acting perfectly fine actually. What? I am," she insisted indignantly when Harry snorted at her claim.

"I dunno if drinking a fifth of vodka then taking a dive in the Black Lake in the middle of January exactly screams 'doing fine' to me," he responded with a knowing look in her direction.

"So Fred is just telling everybody about that then?" she huffed, folding her arms closer to her chest and slumping further into her chair to emphasize her displeasure.

"Fred and George had to ask me to borrow the Marauders Map when they couldn't find you," he turned back to raise an eyebrow at her.

"Oh," she felt her cheeks redden slightly as she let her hands fall back onto the desk to trace the wood grain.

"I was kind of impressed that you'd made it all the way out there without anyone realizing honestly," he said, smirking at her. "Although you should probably look into a less dangerous hobby if you want everyone to get the idea that you're doing well."

"Don't high road me right now Harry, okay, my parents are dead you're supposed to be enabling my poor decisions out of pity," she said sarcastically, smiling slightly at the dry chuckle she received from the younger Gryffindor.

"Oh please," he said, glaring at her playfully. "If anyone has a monopoly on dead parent pity at this school it's me."

"Maybe we can split it down the middle then. You get the pity on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I'll take it Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday then we'll split Sunday based on who's feeling the most pathetic that day," she offered, happy to finally have someone who was willing to participate in her grim joke.

Harry laughed and offered his right hand for them to shake on the deal before a comfortable silence took over the room while Harry continued to practice the swirling motion of his spell and Vivian stared off into space.

"What spell?" she asked, breaking the silence they had been in for the last ten minutes.

"Lupin is teaching me to conjure a patronus. Fight off dementors," he replied, seeming almost embarrassed that he needed the spell in the first place.

"Hard one. Everyone always says the hardest part is finding the right memory but I always have the most trouble focusing on the happy feeling."

"Have you conjured one before?" Harry asked, the surprise evident in his voice.

"Russian blue cat," she nodded. "I used to be able to conjure one using the memory of an old family vacation but…I don't think that would work now," she added, her brow furrowing in annoyance as the realization dawned on her.

"Just another one of the countless perks to being an orphan I guess," Harry offered after a couple beats of silence earning a quiet giggle from Vivian.

"Is it weird that things feel so different now?" she asked suddenly, her words tumbling out of her mouth before she could stop them. "I mean they've been gone for like two years so it's not like anything's really actually changing for me. But I feel so upside down now."

"What do you mean?" Harry asked, furrowing his brow at the abruptness of her question.

Vivian groaned, rubbing her forehead as she tried to sort out her complex feelings and put them into words another person might be able to understand. It helped that she was speaking to Harry Potter, a guy who's name was practically synonymous with dead parents.

"I don't know," she finally answered honestly. "I guess I just feel like I should have been more prepared for this. I mean they've gone and I've been on my own for so long that I figured…but now I know for sure and it's like I'm being totally abandoned all over again. And I'm like you knew this was a possibility, Vivian," her fingers ran up to tug at her hair while she felt her voice getting more frantic as her words continued to spill out of her uncontrollably now. "You knew in the back of your mind that they weren't coming home so why can't you just get it together? I want everyone to move on and stop worrying about me but I also feel like I can't move on and I'm just so frustrated and angry all the time. I just…feel stuck and I don't know how to get over this." she finally finished, practically out of breath by the time her anxious ramble came to a close.

"Oh, um, well I'm no expert but I think it's all probably more complicated than that. I don't even remember my parents but I still feel like I miss them…which I guess doesn't really make sense because how do you miss someone you never even knew?" Harry said slowly, raising an eyebrow to himself as though he was trying to sort out the logic in the moment as well. "But I think that's normal. To miss them I mean," he said thoughtfully as he leaned his chin against his knuckles.

Vivian nodded, considering his answer as she stared down at her hands.

"I also sometimes hate them," He added quietly, glancing at her carefully to view her reaction.

"Why?" she asked, eyes widening in surprise at this confession. Seeing as she had been doing everything to stuff down that same thought for weeks now, too ashamed to even admit it to herself, hearing it come from another person's mouth was almost surreal.

Harry sighed, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose before answering.

"I just feel so angry sometimes. I mean I know it's not their fault, but sometimes I just hate them for leaving me in this mess. Sometimes I just wonder why did they have to get involved in the war, why didn't they realize their best friend was going to betray them, why couldn't they have just been…I don't know, smarter? But then I feel evil for even thinking that," he muttered as he absentmindedly rubbed his scar while staring into the distance over her shoulder.

"I think I hate my parents a little bit too. And my brother," she said, reducing her voice to nearly a whisper despite the empty classroom they were in. "I just hate that they left me with so many questions that I'll probably never have the answers to. I feel helpless. And pathetic. Does that feeling ever go away?" she looked at him hopefully, despite the moisture that had once again started to accumulate in her eyes.

"If it does, I'm still waiting for it to happen to me," Harry smiled at her sadly. Vivian snorted a humorless laugh at this, blinking back the rest of her tears as the pair sat together in comfortable silence.

Despite the vastly different situations, their experience with tragedy allowed them to relate to each other in a way that none of their other friends were able to. Sure it was a horrible commonality–certainly not something anyone would ever want to share with another person, but if one is going to be forced into a life experience, it never hurts to have someone who knows how it feels.

Orphans gotta stick together I guess, she thought to herself before jumping in with a suggestion on Harry's latest patronus attempt.