Writer's note:
HAAAAAY EVERYBODY! LOOK WHO'S BACK!? 8D
I honestly don't know why I had the sudden urge to write this chapter. And I have chapter 20 and 21 in the works as well! And, if I ever do manage to finish this fanfiction(Which believe me I hope I do) I will not be at all finished with it. For I plan on rewriting the ENTIRE book. That's right. I am going to revamp a lot of things, spell things correctly, the whole nine yards! And yes, I will be uploading the updated version as an entirely separate story; so you will still be able to enjoy this one if it's your cup'o'tea.
So I hope you enjoy this long awaited installment of this fanfic! And thank you all a BUNCH for reading it and giving me such wonderful and encouraging comments! You readers are simply the best and I hope this makes you as happy as you've all made me over the past three years! Heres hoping I see this to the end!
Also take note this chapter is not super polished and some words might be misspelled or some words may be wrong/missing. I apologize ahead of time for all of the mistakes, but I just wanted to finally get it out for you all to read! I felt so bad for making you all wait! I'll finish it up another time, or just save it for the super revamp!
So enjoy!
-Solid
Chapter nineteen: Heart of a Monster
They moved quickly and silently throughout the shadows of main Neimoidian city, ducking out of complete sight whenever a vehicle or person of any kind approached and would remain perfectly hidden until they could no longer see any other forms of life before moving out along the shadows again. These figures moved towards the capital building where the Viceroy was holding his banquet; no words were spoken between these silent figures. However, had one been wearing a helmet much like they were, then everything was all but quiet.
"We're moving in on our position, sir," Explained the lead clone commander over his helmet's communicator to an unseen man of higher authority." We have the capital building in sight; will inform you once we reach it and set the charges."
"Roger commander," Responded the voice of none-other than General Obi-Wan Kenobi himself from the other end of the radio." We'll be waiting for your signal to move in."
The commander looked back at his squad of clones, all of them having kneeled into the shadows to report the situation to the general. The commander gave his men a quick hand gesture as the sign to move forward and they responded with a nod of the head and they got to their feet; quickly moving along the shadows once more.
On the Western side of the capital city, two Jedi and a large army of clones hid within the dark shadows of a thick rain forest that surrounded the city. The armies were keeping well out of sight until the moment arrived for them to move in. Some of the clones were waiting patiently for the fighting to start; others polished their rifles in anticipation. Some conversations stirred among the more restless bundle of soldiers, mostly about how many kills one could get before the Neimoidian finally surrendered.
The two Jedi leading this massive invasion was none other than Obi-Wan and Anakin Skywalker. They had managed to jump into Neimoidian space without alerting anyone by taking shuttle crafts instead of the usual method of space battles and they were able to drop down to the planet quietly. So far, everything was going according to plan. They had all the Separatist leaders gathered in one area, Count Dooku being among them. And with one giant sweep of the capital building, they could finally end the war. Or so they hoped.
Anakin stood with the other troopers, listening to them chatter on about random topics; mostly of speeder bikes and blaster rifles. But the young Jedi Knight's attention was soon turned to Obi-Wan, who stood a little ways away from the group, leaning against a tree by his shoulder with his arms folded. He watched the capital building with a stern expression. Curious, Anakin moved towards Obi-wan.
"Do you think they'll make it without being seen?" He asked as he stopped beside him. The elder Jedi kept his gaze fixed on the building, he was silent." Obi-Wan?" Anakin asked, making his voice slightly louder. That caught his attention; he turned his head towards the boy.
"Hm? What?"
"Your mind was floating about in the atmosphere a moment ago," Anakin responded." I sense you are troubled by something that isn't about the clones."
Obi-wan stared at Anakin for a moment before turning his head towards the capital building again." I thought I sense a familiar presence… A very familiar presence… But it was a quick tingle, so it's probably nothing." He answered.
"You mean you sense her too?" Anakin asked. Obi-wan looked to his former Padawan with a frown of disappointment.
"I wish you hadn't said anything; you only prove my suspicion to be true… Which I was telling myself was false, but you just had to say something."
"Oh. I'm sorry," Anakin replied as he rubbed the back of his neck. Obi-wan fixed his attention on the capital building again. Anakin watched; then sighed." I understand how you must feel; but lying to yourself won't make the situation any better."
"She is my friend, Anakin, and a fellow Jedi. I do not want to fight her. But I know if it comes to that; then I will have no choice. And that is something I'm not at all happy about." He answered.
Shika stared right into Grievous' confused gaze; tears still twinkling in the corners of her eyes, wondering what his answer would be. Grievous merely stared back, her question buzzing around in his head like an angry swarm of insects and was unable to come up with a response of any kind. And that stunned him more than he was originally. Here he stood; a general of the Separatist armies, a warrior feared by all Jedi, he was known throughout the entire galaxy and yet he could not come up with a single word to answer her. And why? Why couldn't he just tell her what he always told her? He was constantly repeating how he hated her, that she was a problem, but when she finally gave him the choice, he couldn't say anything.
He wondered if it was her face that made him freeze up; she was near tears and looked so upset. And the reason was because she was going to leave him if he wanted. She was about to cry for him? She would leave for him? What was with this girl? Why did she care so much of what he thought about her? Better yet, why did her expression bother him so much? All of this puzzled him immensely; but he just couldn't stand there, leaving the question up in the air. He had to respond to her with something, he didn't care what, just as long as it got her to stop making that face at him!
"Foolish girl," He finally was able to mutter after a good six minutes of utter silence." Lord Sidious appointed you as my apprentice; he gave you orders to stay at my side no matter what. So if you want to please me so badly, then do what your superiors tell you."
She blinked once, the tears finally slipping out from her eyes and rolling down her cheeks." So, you want me to stay…?" She asked.
"Nonsense!" He hissed loudly." I find you to be nothing more than a problem! But it's the desire of Lord Sidious that we are stuck together; it's because of him that I have as much patience that I do for you! And you would deny your orders, your superiors, because of personal feelings." He let out a huff." Personal feelings should never get in the way of orders; you do as you are told. Why is that so hard for you to fathom when the brainless droids understand it perfectly?"
Shika's shoulders sunk and she turned her head away from him, finally breaking their locked gazes. Of course; everything he had done and everything he was doing was because he was ordered to do it. He never did anything out of compassion or understanding; he just did things because it was what his leaders wanted. Now that she thought about it; he probably would have let her sit in her quarters and starve had he had not been given the orders to at least show some kind of concern for her well being. What a fool she had been to believe that he had at least begun to like her some over the past three years; maybe not a lot, but at least some. She released a soft sigh and shook her head. Just as she suspected, he just didn't care.
Grievous had taken note of her posture of disappointment and narrowed his eyes.
"What, were you expecting a different answer?" He growled.
"I was expecting you to have a heart." She mumbled.
In that moment; Grievous took two steps close to her, his hand lashing out and tightly grabbing hold of her shoulder—nearly digging his clawed fingertips into her flesh—and shoving her back against the railing of the balcony. Shika let out a quiet yelp of pain and surprise as her back collided with the marble. He began squeezing her shoulder, rage filling his eyes.
"I thought we made it perfectly clear that you are not allowed to back talk me!" He hissed viciously." Why are you so disobedient?!"
She simply kept her head turned and gaze lowered. When she didn't respond to him after a moment he slowly released her and she stumbled forward. She placed a hand onto her shoulder and rubbed the now swelling sore that was growing in the spots where his fingertips did manage to dig under her skin a bit. They just deep enough to become sore spots, not bleed, which she was thankful for. It meant he wasn't as angry as she originally thought.
Grievous merely growled, turning his head away from her. But that was all. There was utter silence between the two. Grievous stared out at the city and Shika stared at the floor. This night was turning out to be utterly terrible; everything she did just angered the general more and more. The urge to cry began pooling in her throat; but she quickly swallowed it as best she could. The night had been bad, but worse could've happened, so crying was not an option. Sure, she discovered Grievous honestly didn't care for her and was only watching out for her because Sidious told him to; but that wasn't a reason to cry.
And yet, the more she thought of it, the more she felt sad, even heartbroken. She always knew in her heart that was the truth; she assumed actually hearing it from him was what caused her to become upset. So now she just didn't want to be around him anymore. So she began heading towards the doors leading back into the ballroom at a quickened pace. Grievous' attention snapped to her when she did and he sprinted after her; sweeping in her way. She jerked back from him, nearly stumbling over. He began approaching her slowly and she only took steps back.
"Now you are running away again?" He asked coldly." Why do you do that? Why do you keep running whenever something you don't like happens? Is that how you plan on dealing with all your problems? Running away like a coward?"
Shika winced down; closing her eyes tightly as she held back the urge to burst into tears. Why was it hurting her so much? Up until now, none of his insults and yelling bothered her so much that it made her want to sob like a child. But as his scolding continued; she felt more and more sorrow. She wanted to run away with her hands over her ears, she wanted to go back to the Jedi and the Republic and forget she ever made such a stupid decision to join the Separatists in the first place.
But the one thing that she wanted above all else was the desire to be close to Grievous; it was something her heart was constantly whispering to her. She wanted to be near him, to understand him. It was a desire so powerful that she found herself no longer able to control it. She rushed to Grievous, huddling herself close to his body, wrapping her arms around his metal torso, all in which she did carefully to not harm herself.
Grievous' talon slid back, his arms raised slightly and his head jerked back. This reaction was not at all what he was expecting. He was waiting for her to start yelling back at him, or run away to hide, something she usually did. But this… This was new. She only ever hugged him once and she learned from that mistake. And she is about to learn again, he thought. He went to place his hands onto her shoulders in order to shove her off when she finally spoke out.
"I just want to be with you." She whispered. He froze." But I want you to choose. I want you to decide what it is you want, I want you to say what you want from you heart. Not from the orders you were given. Is asking you to be independent for this one thing too much?"
"I follow my orders because it gets things done correctly. Going about things on instinct and feelings only causes problems, not solutions." He responded
"So you refuse to think for yourself?" She asked.
"I refuse to disobey my leaders with acts of random behavior like you are so very well known for doing. However, that does not mean I am incapable of independent thought. I am able to think for myself when the time calls for it, but not a moment before."
"You only follow your orders, never voicing your opinion, never questioning why." She explained as she carefully and gently nuzzled her head against his chest plate." The only time I see you act for yourself is in the heat of battle."
"As it should be."
"So that's it then. The only time you think and act for yourself, the only time you are your own person, is in battle?"
"My leaders will not care what route I take so long as the job gets done. So if my actions will push the mission towards victory; then I am able to do as I please, but only if the job progresses."
Shika frowned. Once a warrior always a warrior; she thought. The two fell silent again and Shika found herself lost in thought again; trying to figure out a way to get Grievous to see he was able to decide for himself. That he wasn't just a heartless monster as he made himself out to be. But as her thoughts began to fall deeper and deeper onto Grievous' current position in life; she came to realize…
She was still hugging him.
Her eyes opened slightly as she recalled the last time she was able to get this close to him. The end result of that attempt was not at all pleasant, just the mere thought of it made her cheek tingle with pain. So she wondered what made him approve of her closeness this time. Was it because he was trying to prove he was able to think for himself outside of battles? Was he doing it just to be the smug jerk he usually was? Or maybe he actually did care?
Her eyes snapped wide when she felt something brush against her bare back. She turned her head to see his cloak drape around her, sealing her off from the world around them. A soft gasp escaped her lips, her cheeks flushed pink, a sudden heat coiled in her stomach, her heart racing, beating at a pace she never thought possible. The was actually letting her stay this close? And for this long? When she didn't receive a growl, a movement or any other sign that he was annoyed with her; she relaxed. Her lips curved into a pleased smile and she placed her head against him again, her eyes falling closed as she continued to carefully embrace him. She found the situation completely ironic. She, a Jedi, hugging a ruthless Jedi killer; and instead of feeling scared, threatened or angry, she felt calm, safe and strangely warm.
There is just no way, she thought, I can't be in love with him. It's impossible. Everything about him is inhuman; he's a blood-thirsty killer. And I know he's doing this just to prove me wrong; he doesn't care at all about me or anyone else for that matter. So why; why do I feel this attraction to him? There is nothing to love about him; he isn't kind, considerate, he's only ever treated me horridly since I arrived…
But then, this quiet moment and a multitude of others throughout their time together made her wonder… Was he truly inhuman?
Grievous was rather surprised and puzzled with himself; for once he was calm and all thoughts of war and the Jedi had left him completely. For he was just too baffled at the fact he was allowing her to be this close to him. True, he had originally did it to prove her wrong, that he was able to do whatever he wanted when he wanted to. But now he found himself thinking he liked it. That he actually liked the idea of her being that close, and for a moment he wondered just how warm and soft her skin was. He couldn't tell of course; his metallic body had no sensors that gave him the ability and sense of touch. He considered that a strong point of his makeover; feeling no pain at the lost of a limb. But some part of him was curious to find out how delicate her skin was. He knew for an honest fact she was squishy; all humans were. So why was he so curious to know?
In fact, why was he doing this all together? She was annoying, defiant, weak and too clingy. A bundle of problems he didn't want to deal with and yet; he found himself dealing with each problem whenever he was faced with them. Then he had recalled the day they met; how he let her live simply because he had no desire to slay someone unless it was with a warrior's death. Killing her after a giant insect did all the work for him wouldn't have been at all pleasurable for him; so he just left her for another time. But he wondered; had he killed her that day, or any other day following up to her betrayal to her alliance; he seriously doubted Sidious or Dooku would have cared.
And why would they? In fact who in their right mind would want such a useless and weak fallen Jedi—who had no interest in the Force at all—on their side? But if they honestly didn't care for her; then what was the true reasoning behind the plot to get her to join the Separatists? What use or purpose did she have here? What did Sidious have planned? Was it something that had to do with him? Was he supposed to have an apprentice? And was it supposed to be her?
The whole thing just confused him more and more; he felt like he was walking in an endless circle with no way of finding an escape from his looping questions. It made him growl softly in annoyance; causing Shika to open her eyes slightly with puzzlement. He hated the thought that Sidious knew more about him that he did; that he knew which paths to take, which people to choose, even which people to kill. Almost like he had this whole war planned from the very start and that he knew exactly how it would end. And worst of all; he kept all the answers to himself.
Grievous moved his arm slowly, the metal casing gently brushed against Shika's shoulder in which she shuddered to the sudden cold on her bare skin. Her gaze traveled to his arm; silently watching as his hand traveled to her shoulder and nestled there. His long, skeletal fingers began tapping across her shoulder softly as his mind raced to come up with answers for his never-ending questions.
A shiver ran up Shika's spine as she felt the gentle rhythmic drumming of his four fingers run across her skin, his thumbs lying limp. His hand was cold; very cold. Though she wasn't complaining, it was an extremely nice and wonderful change to his usual death-grip that he so often used. She released a content sigh through her nostrils and took advantage of the tender situation and huddled herself as close as she could possibly get. His entire body casing was chilly and rather uncomfortable at that, but, she was happy. And Grievous simply allowed her to be as close as she wanted; revealing to the both of them they had a bond that neither of them really fully understood.
The two remained like this for a good while without saying a single word. As Shika enjoyed her moment snug against the general, she heard a soft beating sound; it was extremely faint, but there. Her eyebrow quirked and she moved her ear against Grievous' chest casing, where the gentle thumping got louder. Her eyes opened and she blinked; it was his heart—
"Ah, general, there you are," Came the relaxed voice of Count Dooku as the man descended out from the building and onto the balcony. Grievous' head snapped towards him almost instantly, the fins on the sides of his head pressing forward and he held a shocked gaze in his eyes. Dooku paid no attention to his reaction." I was wondering if you had seen Ms. Cloudrunner—"
Shika's eyes also snapped wide in shock and she pushed away from Grievous, stumbling out from his cloak and nearly falling over onto the floor. Grievous' head jerked towards her and Dooku merely stopped in his tracks; his eyebrows raised high as he stared at the two with great surprise. Shika looked from Grievous to Dooku, then quickly adjusted her posture and smoothed her dress out, clearing her throat.
"My dear," Dooku began," what in the world were you doing—"
"He had a smudge on his chest plate," Shika answered quickly." He ordered me to clean it off. After all, everyone should look their best tonight, right?"
Dooku eyed her suspiciously; then nodded, brushing off any thought he had on the situation. She smiled in relief.
"What is it you want, Count?" Grievous asked after he was able to relax some.
"I came for Ms. Cloudrunner, obviously," Dooku answered, eyeing Grievous for a moment before settling his gaze back to Shika fondly." Dinner is finished, however the party has only just begun. Surely you would rather be indoors, enjoying the music and fun instead sitting out here cleaning the general's armor."
Shika, not wanting to explain what had really been going on between herself and Grievous, simply forced a bashful smile and nodded to him as her response. He held his hand out towards her direction and she looked to it, staring at his hand for a moment before realizing what he meant. She walked over and placed her hand down within his palm and he gently wrapped his fingers around her hand before leading her along inside with him. She followed along side him; sending a quick longing glance back at Grievous before she disappeared from his sight all together.
Grievous huffed and turned his head to face the city; staring thoughtfully for a moment. He wondered, if Dooku hadn't come in, would he had ever pushed Shika away? He closed his eyes and shook his head briskly; ridding himself of the preposterous thought that he might have actually enjoyed it.
Dooku led Shika through the main hall which was now bustling with the Separatist leaders again. Shika's gaze quickly shifted from one leader to the next as she attempted to locate Gunray; in which she eventually did. He was off on the opposite side of the room, surrounded by people, chatting the night away like he was the emperor of the universe. Shika noted that Dooku was leading her further and further away from the Neimoidian; so she smiled and turned her head away from the bothersome coward; knowing she didn't have to worry about dealing with him. So for the moment, she was able to focus on what Dooku had planned for her, and that was revealed only seconds after her worriment of Gunray had vanished.
He took her into a separate room connected to the hall; the room was smaller compared to the hall outside, but it was still able to house maybe two hundred people. The room was lit to perfection and was decorated for the party, obviously. Off to the side was the band; they were playing a happy, beautiful song that was practically danceable to. This brought up a question; why would the Separatists be having a party in the middle of a war for Count Dooku? Did he do something so amazing that it had to be celebrated? Shika gave a slight tilt of her head as she tried to come up with an answer that didn't make Dooku sound like some sort of vain person; but that proved to be more difficult than she originally anticipated.
Then something else caught her attention; there were several party-goers in the room; all of them were twirling about with their dates in an elegant waltz. Shika immediately stiffened upon seeing this sight; this is what he meant by enjoying the music and fun. Dooku took notice of her sudden frozen posture and released a soft chuckle.
"Judging by your expression I'm assuming you don't know how to dance."
Shika looked to him." Well, no, I mean it's not something I needed to learn." She responded.
He chuckled again. Then tugged her arm towards him and she stumbled up against his chest, staring at his calm face with an expression of surprise. He smoothly wrapped his free hand around her waist and smiled warmly at her. Shika's face began to turn a soft pink.
"Well then, my dear, allow me to be your first instructor. Place your other hand on my arm." Shika swallowed hard and did as she was told; she also took great steps to not look him in the face. Every time she did she just blushed more." Now follow my lead."
Only a second could prepare Shika for the step Dooku took to begin his lead, it surprised her and she nearly fell over. Dooku laughed softly and stopped to allow her to readjust herself again before he told her he was going to start. When he began the waltz again she managed to keep up with him for the first few steps; every moment after she stumbled, heels clapping against the floor as she struggled to keep up with Dooku's smooth pace. They had only just begun and she was already failing at it; and that upset her. So she lowered head to look down at their feet as she attempted not to step on the man's finely polished leather boots. Dooku's hand slid off her waist and to her chin; gently pushing her head up to look at him before he resettled it on her again. He informed her not to look at her feet; that she was supposed to allow the rhythm of his movements guide her own. She frowned slightly, but did not look down to the floor again.
Eventually, with each step taken, Shika began to grasp the concept of dancing a waltz; she simply followed Dooku's lead. Though she understood how to dance, she was far from perfect; she just wasn't staggering and stumbling after him as much as she previously had been. Occasionally though, she'd lose her footing and slip up, but Dooku was patient and helped her whenever she would fumble over her own feet.
As the two glided across the dance floor, twirling about, Shika couldn't help but notice just how graceful and elegant Dooku was with each step he took. She wondered where, exactly, he found the time to learn how to dance so well; and how he seemed almost perfect at everything he did. She assumed that he was one of those people who simply strived for perfection in everything that he had interest in. And he danced so effortlessly that it she felt a little jealous. And the longer they danced, the more Shika began to notice a strange and alluring charm about him that she simply could not resist. Every time she made eye contact with him, he would simply smile back and her face would glow a soft pink; in which she would react by looking in another direction, causing him to laugh. She knew Dooku was old; his softly aged face and gray hair was proof of that. But he was able to charm her as if he had been the same age, and that both impressed and frightened her.
Still, no matter how charming he was, she felt strangely uncomfortable with him. As if she shouldn't be here, dancing with him. In fact, she often wished it was Grievous in his place instead; but the idea of him dancing was just so ridiculous that Shika did all she could not to burst into laughter. She immediately shook the thought onto something else unrelated to him; like how the music was quite relaxing, that the room was kind of pretty, and how she wanted to be in Grievous' arms—
She quickly shook her head and Dooku raised an eyebrow at her. He asked if she was already and she only responded with a quick nod. Although he was unsatisfied with the answer; he shrugged it off and continued his lead; both of them unaware that Grievous had actually been watching them from the entrance of the room. He simply rolled his eyes to the sight of them; having been standing there since near the start. He came to the conclusion that he was bored of watching them spin around and around without acknowledging anyone else but themselves; without her acknowledging his presence. So he turned and left the room with a soft growl erupting from him.
Dooku, having seen the flick of the general's cloak disappear behind the rim of the doorway, turned his gaze back to Shika with curiosity. He began asking her questions about her current relationship status with the general. Shika, finally being able to look him in the face and not blush, responded with a shrug and saying she really couldn't complain, her mind still very focused on the tender moment prior to Dooku's interruption and not the constant scolding she received daily. He could only raise an eyebrow at her statement.
"But you once informed me that he treated you very poorly; and a young, delicate lady such as yourself should not be treated so roughly." He responded.
"While the thought of being treated kindly is nice; I've grown to expect his cold behavior." She explained. Dooku only stared in disbelief." He may act distant and heartless; but that's because he doesn't know any better. He lashes out because he feels no one will listen if he doesn't."
"Did he tell you this?" Dooku asked.
Shika shook her head." No. But it's how I believe he thinks. To establish dominance you have to stand firm, right?"
Dooku chuckled softly." I find it amusing that you give him the benefit of the doubt when three years ago you thought he was nothing more than a heartless monster that didn't at all care for you. I wonder what it was that caused you to so drastically change your mind about him."
"Just spending time with him, I guess." She answered.
"Ah, so you've grown fond of the general. Possibly even love him?" Shika's cheeks went scarlet and she turned her gaze away; this only caused him to grin widely." Ah, so my suspicion was true. I will admit; the general seems to have grown a soft spot for you as well. But I'm sure it's out of pity."
Shika looked at him out of the corner of her eye slowly." Pity?"
"Well, you're not the greatest of soldiers and you picked him for your master when he, himself, is still learning the ways of the saber from me." Shika turned her attention fully to him again, confused." You've made highly poor choices since you arrived; even a heartless, unfeeling and uncaring monstrosity like Grievous can feel slight sympathy towards inexperienced soldiers."
"Excuse me?"
"Don't take it personally, Ms. Cloudrunner," Dooku responded as he continued to twirl about the dance floor with her," But you should have chosen me as your mentor to hone your saber skills. In fact, you probably would have been much better off remaining with the Jedi Order than learning from the general. And even after he has abused and tormented you; yelled and scolded you for every tiny thing you did. You find yourself falling in love with a creature that is unable to feel or even comprehend the very emotion."
Shika furiously pulled away from Dooku, yanking her hand free from his." He knows very well how to love and show compassion!" She snapped.
"Blinding yourself with such ideals will only lead to heart break in the end." Dooku responded smoothly as he adjusted his coat." There are only three things the general truly cares for; and that is war, death and destruction." Shika's face began to flare up with anger as she listened." In time you will see that you are nothing more than a thorn in his side and to believe he thinks of you otherwise would be foolish on your part. He is nothing more than a monster, Ms. Cloudrunner, and there isn't much of him left that you can love."
Steaming with anger and shaking with rage; Shika did everything she could to resist the urge to slap him. Instead, she forced a good-bye through her teeth, turned on one heel and stormed out of the room with her hands clenched in tight fists. Dooku merely watched her leave with a smug look on his face.
As Shika stormed out into the main hall, she couldn't help but think that what Dooku had said made sense to her. And that caused her quickened, angry pace to slow to a calm stop. He was right; Grievous was a monster. All he did care about was fighting; all he wanted was death of the Jedi and the destruction of the Republic. He hardly even noticed her existence when faced with the thrill of battle; in fact he barely acknowledged her at all. She honestly was a problem, not a solution. So if that was the case, she truly was better off with Dooku or back with the Jedi. Choosing Grievous as her mentor was utterly foolish of her; and she only did it because in the beginning she thought he honestly cared for her well being. But it wasn't until now that she realized he was only following orders.
How stupid could I have been? She thought.
You see, he was aggressive to begin with, but mixed in with the problems… He wasn't aggressive enough…
She stared as she remembered what Graka had told her about the so-called problems and how he became a monster only months after. She also recalled the times in her life with him; remembering the moments where his ability to show emotion did shine through; his ability to show compassion and understanding in certain situations that always left her speechless. So perhaps her first speculation was correct, perhaps the Separatists did mold Grievous into the weapon they needed to fight in the wars; and because he acted so confused and lost when questions about him arose was because he wasn't aware it happened. That he wasn't aware his past had possibly been erased, that his reason for hating might have been enhanced somehow.
Possibly, probably, maybe, somehow and speculation; these were all the things that kept her from bringing it up to the general because the idea seemed a tad bit strange. You couldn't just rid someone of emotions. So maybe they just did something to him until his rage and hatred eventually over powered his other emotions? Whatever the reason behind his emotional transformation; it proved that Dooku wasn't right about Grievous after all. Just because he was mostly cybernetic parts and had a temper no man wanted to deal with didn't make him any less of a human than herself or any other.
His own beating heart was proof of that.