A/N: TRIGGER WARNING: There is discussion (recovery of repressed memories) of inappropriate teen behaviours between a 15 and 13 year old so could be considered abuse, grooming, coercion, definitely inappropriate and may be disturbing to some readers despite my best efforts to keep things tasteful, and not very graphic. I thought long and hard about whether or not to include this, but as I usually do I look at my stories and characters and I see behaviours that happened in the past that I as an adult recognise as problematic and feel it helps bring to light a better understanding of multiple characters moving forward. Skip Missy's therapy session if it may be triggering for you, also the last scene of the chapter as well. There's a small scene between the two that is not related and perfectly safe to read. Thank you.

Chapter Thirty Five

"She's not dead."

The moment Maura so firmly, but quietly made her statement as if it were an irrefutable fact, Jane's entire world slowed down to the point that she sat there frozen, just staring at the defiantly determined look on her ex-fiancée's face. Her brain, which had been over-stimulated by the thought that all the pain that had mentally and emotionally destroyed her girlfriend was avoidable, just ground to a halt.

Jane expected Maura to defend Gabby to the death. She did, she absolutely did. It was why she had opened herself up to revisiting the emotionally eviscerating pain that came with thinking about all that Melissa had endured to try and help Maura understand that point. She was just trying to help. But this, this level of response? This level of certainty when Melissa had spoken in great detail about Rachael's funeral. There was no questioning that reality. It happened. Rachael's death, of all the traumas that Melissa had endured, was the most soul shattering moment in her girlfriend's life. Gabby, Alec - they were both adamant that Rachael loved Melissa with all of her damned heart. So this… this… this is ludicrous. This attempt from Maura to… what exactly? Change reality? Protect Gabby? It is unacceptable.

"Get out." Jane said, her voice dangerously low and her eyes flashing with an incendiary rage. "Get the fuck out!"

Silence filled the room. Maura didn't move a muscle. Jane cocked her head to the side and watched her ex from across the table. Was she terrified? No, her face was still looking like it always did when Maura felt like she had the intellectual highground. She wasn't exactly smug, far from it, but all Jane could see was a stranger staring back at her. It couldn't possibly be Maura. Maura would never make such a bullshit fucking declaration.

Jane pushed back on the chair violently as she stood up and planted her palms on the table, ready to intimidate Maura into fucking leaving. She grabbed at the neck of her t-shirt. It felt tight. She felt woozy, her head was spinning. She felt weak. Her vision was going black, but still she stared across the table at Maura.

Maura's eyes widened in alarm. "Jane," she cried out, "Breathe."

Everything sped up again and Maura's warning caused her to open her mouth and suck in oxygen, she had to brace herself against the table, nearly brought to her knees. When the Hell did she start holding her breath? Did she simply forget to breathe? She turned and pushed her leg out and hooked her foot behind the legs of the chair and dragged it back over so she could sit down. She buried her head in her arms on the table top and stared out to the side at the far wall of the kitchen. Her vision returned to normal and she knew Maura was saying something to her, but the whooshing of the blood in her ears was too loud. Her anger was too loud.

Maura's hands pressed against her shoulders and she flinched. "Jane, I promise you I am telling you the truth."

"They buried her," Jane ground out. "Missy's never fucking recovered from it."

"I know," Maura cooed in an attempt to soothe her, but it wasn't working.

Jane's dizzy spell passed. She startled Maura by abruptly standing again, grabbing her firmly by the arm and dragging her through the house, essentially shoving her toward the front door. "Get out," she repeated. "Get out!"

Maura's eyes flashed with hurt, but she refused to leave. She shook her head vigorously, clearly confused by Jane's very visceral reaction. It was apparent from the way she kept staring at Jane that she was trying to figure out what was actually going on inside her mind at this moment.

"Jane," the power Maura wielded with the way she said a name was not to be underestimated. There was enough juice left to slow Jane down and at least force her to make eye contact with the woman. "Rachael is the one that saved Gabby. Gabby remembers her being there."

"It wasn't in the report." Jane immediately countered, as if this was even an argument. Rachael fucking Taylor was dead. Because if she wasn't? If she wasn't, she fucking would be. Because Jane would kill her, herself.

"Because they're trying to protect Melissa, Jane. You said it yourself, Rachael's death is a major contributing factor to her current mental instability. They figured once you knew you would feel compelled to tell Melissa and it would cause irreparable harm to her psyche."

"No fucking shit!" Jane spat back sarcastically, "She buried a woman she loved. A woman who proclaimed to love her enough to betray her own Goddamned best friend to start somethin' with her. Of fuckin course it would destroy what's left of her sanity."

Jane's breath was ragged. Her chest heaved under the pressure of trying to rapidly replace the oxygen she was burning up with her rage. "I'd never be able to tell her," she breathed out, barely audible. "It would kill her."

"Jane," Maura was worried.

"So no. She's not alive. She's fucking dead." Jane declared so damn adamantly, because in the back of her mind a tiny little voice was getting louder. The tiny little voice that reminded her Maura would never, ever go this far just to defend Gabby. Maura would never try to hurt her like this, because it did hurt, because it was the smoking fucking gun that would tank her relationship. It would end it as she knew it. Keeping that secret would steal the honesty from her relationship. Honesty, the one thing Melissa treasured above all else. She'd damn well forgive about anything, even if it cut her to the bone, but lies? No. No normal person wanted lies in their relationship, but they accepted sometimes they were necessary. Melissa needed the purity of honesty, she needed it like oxygen.

Jane felt like she was going to throw up.

Maura's hands were on her shoulders, moving up and down her arm, trying to soothe her. Jane's eyes flicked towards Maura's and she saw fear, but it wasn't fear of her. It was fear for her. "Gabby was hallucinating from blood loss, right?" Jane's lips quivered as she asked the question, begging Maura to give her the out she so desperately needed. "Right?"

"Jane," Maura sounded so sad in her denial, "No, darling."

It felt like a fucking mantra at this point, the way her name kept falling out of Maura's mouth. It would have been easier if they had just fucked. It would have hurt. Melissa would have been absolutely fucking gutted, but that she could deal with, as long as it came with the honesty that in her heart Jane knows she would have given. Consequences be damned, if she'd fucked up earlier and fallen into bed with Maura she would have absolutely told Melissa. They would have worked their way through that. It would have been messy and teary and snotty and angry and loud and would probably have ended in some really fucking hot sex. But this? This was going to end them.

Jane dropped to her knees. She didn't have any more energy left to give. She was already running on empty. Maura had barely provided enough fuel to start the engine. She had barely made a dent and now, well now she may as well have just let Jane drink that bottle of whiskey. "Just go," Jane practically begged. She didn't want Maura around for what was next. She wasn't sure she wanted her around ever again.

Maura dropped to her knees in front of Jane and cupped Jane's jaw in both hands. Her eyes were filled with tears. At least she understood the gravity of what she had just done. She was the messenger. She wasn't going to escape unscathed in this. Jane tried to feel badly about that. She tried to feel remorse for Maura in this situation, but she didn't know how. The person she trusted the most in life had just delivered news she should never have delivered. This was a secret she should have taken to her fucking grave. At least Gabby understood what it meant. Gabby understood the damage this revelation would cause. Even fucking Gabby knew better and Maura had just… what, signed the death knell on her relationship to defend Gabby from a vague accusation that couldn't be proven?

"You just had to defend her, didn't you?" Jane's tone was cold.

Maura's eyes closed and tears squeezed free. "I didn't…"

"Tomorrow morning, you should go see her. You should tell her you love her."

Maura's eyes snapped open and she shook her head repeatedly, "No, Jane."

Jane's jaw clenched as she looked into the now terrified hazel eyes staring back at her. She spoke slowly, careful to maintain a cold tone, she didn't want any other emotion to betray her. "Because she worships the ground you walk on. She will take care of you when this shit goes sideways, because it will."

"Jane, please." She didn't understand why Maura was begging like this. Maura was a proud woman, she knew better than to beg anyone, let alone someone who had stopped being worth it a long time ago.

Jane grabbed Maura's hands with her own. "I'm done. We're done. Do you understand?"

Maura's mouth was on her before Jane even processed that she had leaned in. The kiss was wet, sloppy, and desperate. Maura's hand's moved, one slipping behind Jane's head, massaging her scalp as she used her grip to pull her closer. Maura's other hand slipped down between their bodies, splaying out against her abdomen. Her taut abdominal muscles flexed at the touch, the pressure was a different kind of incendiary and reeked of a very deliberate attempt to fan the flames of arousal stemming from three years of intimate experience between them. Jane surged into the kiss, her hands grabbing Maura by the waist and lifting her to her feet as she used the wall behind her feet to help spring her up and forward. Her momentum drove Maura into the wall behind her, which she banged into with a solid thump.

It was rough, Maura gasped from the oxygen being expelled from her lungs. Jane hadn't meant to be that forceful, but the fact she clung to her and didn't give a fuck about the oxygen she just lost fuelled the fire Maura's desperation was lighting in her body. Jane's tongue slid inside Maura's mouth, causing the smaller woman to whimper. There was no delicate tango, no cooperative back and forth. It was brute force, Jane's tongue controlled Maura's mouth with every calculated movement and Maura let her.

Maura had to break the kiss before she did, because for once Maura was the one at an oxygen disadvantage, "Fuck," Maura moaned against her lips. It was a shock to Jane's system that sent a spike of arousal straight to her core.

Maura was wicked in bed, but she didn't have a dirty mouth in the bedroom. Not like that. But wow, it fucking hit her where it mattered, which brought the entire proceeding to a grinding halt. Jane let go of Maura and pulled away, untangling herself from Maura's arms. Jane watched the rise and fall of Maura's chest as they both caught their breath. She lifted her eyes and swallowed anxiously, the indignant fury that was burning in her chest cooled dramatically. She was seriously confused. "What the Hell was that?"

Maura attempted to smooth out the creases in her blouse and adjusted her hair before she finally made eye contact with Jane. "You were catastrophizing and you were refusing to listen. I wasn't about to just let you walk out of my life because you were freaking out over something that might happen. The truth is going to come out at some point Jane, at least now you have control of it. You are prepared."

Jane simply stared at Maura, completely unable to fathom how she could act like that kiss, that moaned curse word was nothing more than a fucking distraction.

Maura carried on as if she was aware that her opportunity to speak may be cut off very soon. "This psychopath won't stop until Rachael is revealed. He's a threat, and I couldn't have you working under a false assumption Jane. I simply couldn't. You think I've ruined your relationship, because you think you have to lie to her? She's stronger than any of you think. Will it hurt her? Yes. It would hurt anyone in her shoes, but you can control this Jane. You can prepare her. You can protect her."

Jane nodded dumbly. She heard what Maura said. Wanted to refute it, but realised Maura wasn't the one putting her in a fucked position. That was all Rachael. Maura was right, she had to know all the variables and the fact Alec lied right to her face about it given what was at stake lit a slow burning fire beneath her anger, which was simmering to a fresh new boil. She anticipated it would boil over precisely the next time she saw him. He had no idea the fury he had unleashed.

"Jane," Maura said firmly, waving her hand in front of Jane's face to get her attention.

Jane blinked away her thoughts and tried to focus on Maura. "What?"

"I'm sorry."

"For?"

"For hurting you with the truth. For kissing you. I shouldn't have done that."

"You really shouldn't have." And yet, now that she was thinking about it again, she couldn't stop reliving it. It made her uncomfortable. Adding more fuel to the out of control wildfire that was her fucking life. "You should go. I need time to think."

"Are we okay?" Maura asked timidly, reminding Jane how delicate their friendship really was. Maura was vulnerable as Hell right now and was still doing everything in her power to make sure she was okay; that they were okay.

Jane nodded once. "You should definitely take the time you need for you, but yeah. We're okay. I'm sorry I lost it on you. I shouldn't have grabbed you like that."

"No, you shouldn't have." Maura opened the front door, stopping to look back at Jane for a brief moment before leaving, "But I understand what she means to you. I forgive you."

Then she slipped into the night.

Jane stood in the doorway, watching her disappear down the garden path before closing the front door behind her. She turned and pressed her back against the door and slid down to the floor, drawing her knees up against her chest. She brought her arms to rest across her knees and gently banged the back of her head against the door several times while she rode out wave after wave of grief. Maura was wrong. She wasn't catastrophizing. Melissa was never going to be able to handle this. Her heart felt like it had gone twelve rounds with Mike Tyson. She was battered and bruised and God, that kiss. That fucking kiss.

What did I do? What was that kiss?

Those were the two thoughts playing on repeat inside Maura's head as she walked to her car and climbed inside. At that point she hoped that Jane would be okay sitting alone with the information just dumped in her lap. What had she done? She shouldn't have left just because Jane asked her to. Yes she wanted to respect Jane's boundaries, because she needed Jane to respect hers when it mattered, but this, this was a mistake. Jane needed her.

Maura turned her head and stared at the front door that had been closed in her wake and wondered what Jane was doing on the other side of that door. The other side of that door in Melissa's house. If it weren't for the absolutely astounding news that she had learned today and subsequently passed along to Jane, she would be feeling a little twisted and bitter. She was trying so very hard to be a better woman. To love Jane the only way she could, but goodness it was difficult. It didn't help at all that Jane's precious heart had been lured by a seriously broken woman who had a track record of breaking hearts. It also didn't help that Gabby, whom she also held close to her heart, had what easily amounted to a breakdown in large part because of the heartbreak and stress brought on by Melissa's behaviour. So yes, Maura would be twisted and bitter about needing to rescue Jane from a date with a bottle of whiskey if it weren't for the fact that what was coming next for Melissa would undoubtedly rock her to her very core. And whether she liked it or not, if it was bad for Melissa, it was bad for Jane.

Should I go back inside?

Maura's hand hovered over the seatbelt before she decided to throw caution to the wind and get out of her car. She quickly walked back up to the front door and was about to knock when she thought she heard something. Her hand hovered awkwardly in front of the front door when she froze to listen and that's when she recognised the sound of sobbing. Maura flattened her hand and gently pressed it against the wood, hesitant to interrupt Jane in a vulnerable moment like this. She wouldn't like it. She didn't like being this vulnerable in front of her.

The motion sensor floodlight was on and she wondered if Jane would notice. She didn't recall the door from the front room to the hall being open. So maybe she wouldn't, especially given she was caught up in her feelings. The discomfort she felt in her stomach was emotional, she knew that. It was heartache or grief or a combination of both. Jane was correct. It wasn't easy loving someone so unconditionally, so completely and then be unable to soothe them when they needed it most. Jane needed it and yet she knew her presence at this point would only make things worse.

Maura was thankful she was wearing pants because while she couldn't announce her presence, she could sit down against the front door and just listen until she was sure Jane was okay. Or until she took her pain to another part of the house. She quietly slid down the door and tried not to actively listen too much. She focused on the hedge that ran alongside the carport and decided it was overdue for a trim. The occasional sob from Jane filtered into her ears, sending jolts of discomfort through to her stomach every single time.

Jane was scared. As much as she had tried to be encouraging and supportive and give Jane a reason to believe things would be okay if she told Melissa the truth, it could, in her opinion, go either way. She liked to think that Jane's presence would be the magical elixir Melissa needed to handle this latest development with a modicum of sanity. She liked to think that this time Melissa wouldn't make the same mistakes. This time Melissa would straighten her mental health out to a point that she didn't drive Jane to drink. She even had a glimmer of hope; Melissa checking herself into a psychiatric facility was absolutely good in the long run no matter how much it hurt Jane in the short term. Melissa choosing to be proactive and get help was honestly all anyone could ask for in this situation. Maura really hoped this time away would help Melissa, because any benefit she received from Melissa self-destructing was outweighed by the damage it would do to Jane.

Jane whose piercing dark eyes could strip her emotionally bare with just one look. Jane whose size belied her strength. Jane whose calloused, scarred hands were capable of the most tender of touches. Jane whose mouth tasted like home.

Maura's mind drifted back to the kiss. A kiss she initiated out of fear and necessity. She didn't lie to Jane, she absolutely did kiss her in an attempt to stop the catastrophizing in her brain from spiralling completely out of control, but she was also scared. Jane was lashing out in anger because she was terrified of what Rachael being alive meant for her. That much she understood from Jane's concerns about Melissa's mental health during the debate on the validity of her claims. Thankfully her plan had been successful, but at what cost? Her lips still tingled from the passion contained within the kiss. Her back was actually starting to ache from the force with which she had collided with the wall. Then there was the fact Jane had just deepened the kiss without warning or delicacy and she had simply let her. She had been momentarily stunned by the intensity of the kiss, but the display of dominance by Jane felt good, so good she'd cursed when she had to break away from the kiss for oxygen. There was something more in the kiss, Maura just couldn't be sure if it was brought on by the emotion of the evening or something hidden much deeper. Jane certainly looked confused afterwards.

One thing was certain, she needed to be careful around Jane while her emotions were so volatile, because it was clearly impacting Jane's critical thinking and apparently her own as well. As nice as it felt to wonder if there was more to that kiss, it was irrelevant. Jane was never going to walk away from Melissa. Not after what happened the first time she let Melissa leave. She had to be the adult in this friendship, because if she didn't, if she just let Jane follow her momentary feelings and desires she would end up being someone she didn't want to be and Jane would grow to resent her. She refused to be that woman. She refused to be the other woman.

It was bad enough she had let her own grief from losing Jane lead her down a path she shouldn't have travelled with Gabby. Why on earth did she just blurt out to Jane that she had slept with Gabby in the first place? It wasn't like the secret was causing her any issues, nobody was asking her about it and clearly Melissa had honoured her word by not saying anything to Jane. Why did she then go on to ask Jane if she thought Gabby genuinely loved her? It didn't matter that it was a puzzling question lingering at the back of her mind that she was desperate to understand. Putting it on Jane was selfish, even if she had been curious enough to ask for more details. Though what felt strangest was that despite the obvious flash of jealousy she'd seen in Jane's eyes her ex-fiancée had urged her to consider what her feelings for Gabby were. Jane sounded like she was trying to push her towards romance with Gabby, which felt completely incongruous with Jane's personality. So very strange.

Maura's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of movement on the other side of the door. It sounded like Jane was dragging herself to her feet. Moments later she heard footsteps and then nothing. Jane must have walked further into the house. She really hoped she was okay now that she had had a good cry. She hoped it was cathartic for Jane, she really did. Regardless, Jane's departure was her cue to stand up. It was time to go home.

At the gate Maura stopped, turned back to look at the house one more time and whispered, "Goodnight, Jane."

Jane's night had been marred by fitful sleep. She fell asleep with that kiss on her mind. She managed an hour or two at a time but she found herself haunted by emotionally disturbing dreams. After the last dream where Melissa had walked in on her kissing Maura, she gave up on sleep. The look of betrayal that haunted Melissa's dream self was too much to stomach. She'd rolled out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom, thrown up in the toilet and hopped straight into the shower. The hot water did little to clear her mind.

After thoroughly scrubbing herself clean, in part because it was routine and in part because she was trying to wash away the guilt she felt, she dressed and towel dried her hair before tying it back in a ponytail. She let Charlie out and made sure he had enough water and gave him the modest breakfast Gabby had recommended. She shut him in the backyard and grabbed her things, skipping breakfast. She didn't feel like eating anyway.

Jane trusted Maura now that she was over the shock of the revelation, but before she ripped Melissa's heart from her chest by telling her something so Goddamned heartbreaking she had to confirm it with Gabby. She needed to look her in the eye and see it for herself. There was zero doubt in her mind that Gabby would beg her to keep it to herself, but that simply wasn't going to happen. She couldn't keep something that big from Melissa. Her girlfriend deserved to know the truth. She deserved the opportunity to mentally prepare herself for when Rachael finally reappeared. Nobody would be able to convince her otherwise. That woman was going to show up and set Melissa's recovery back fucking years. She just felt it in her bones.

Jane wasn't ready to face that conversation. She wasn't ready to confirm what Maura had told her, because once she did her fate was set. So she gave herself the day to just try and prepare her own heart and soul for what was coming. She made it into work an hour early and was surprised to see Alec sitting at his desk. Their eyes locked briefly and her nostrils flared. She turned on her heels and hightailed it out of there. His reprieve only came about because she'd had the night to somewhat calm down. If she had stayed in that room with him all bets would have been off and she happened to like the job she had, so avoidance until she could get him somewhere in private was her only course of action.

Jane ducked into the break room and found Jacob putting his lunch in the fridge. "Hillenbrandt," she barked, "You're with me today. Clear it with whoever you have to clear it with."

Jacob turned, took one look at her face and recognised there was only one acceptable answer. "Sure thing, Detective Rizzoli."

"Meet me in the garage."

Jane didn't wait for him to respond, she simply made her way through the halls of the Launceston Police Station, a dark dangerous look on her face that did its job in preventing anyone from attempting to engage her in conversation. She signed out an unmarked vehicle, grabbed the keys and waited impatiently for Jacob to join her.

When she saw him enter the garage she waved him over and quickly got into the vehicle. Before he was even strapped in she was squealing rubber on her way out. She didn't want to be at the station any longer than necessary. She glanced between the road and Jacob, he looked stressed, but he didn't say anything. It was fine by Jane.

She drove them across Kings Bridge and navigated the windy roads of Trevallyn as she drove them all the way to the Trevallyn Dam and pulled up in the carpark. There's was the only vehicle in the lot. She climbed out of the car and stretched her legs, walking over to the chest high chain link fence that stopped people from falling down a rocky, tree filled embankment next to the South Esk River.

"What's going on Rizzoli?" Jacob asked, having joined her looking out across the dam, river and forestry in the area.

"Shit's just got real." Jane answered quietly.

"You've made a break in the case?"

Jane chewed on her lip, contemplating how much she should reveal. Afterall, he was dating the brother of one of her prime suspects. A brother she would need to talk to so that she could learn more about how Justin disappeared. "There's a motive and there are suspects." She turned to look at him, "I need to talk to Brian about Justin, do you think he'd be alright with that?"

"I think he'd be ecstatic that a detective is taking Justin's missing person status seriously. When did you want to talk to him?"

"At first convenience."

Jacob nodded, pulled his phone out and sent a quick text message, presumably to try and tee up a time. Jane appreciated his eagerness and felt a little sad at the same time. She did not think he would like what happened when she interviewed his boyfriend, because as far as she was concerned he could be an accomplice. She liked Jacob, but that might just burn bridges. She sighed. She wanted to warn him, but that wouldn't help the situation. She needed to be able to approach the conversation and just follow her gut instincts. Perhaps nothing would even come of it.

Jacob pocketed his phone and eyed Jane warily. "This isn't about his missing status is it? You think Justin is the bad guy."

Jane knew he was a good investigator, he didn't miss a trick. She was way too quick rolling into her request to talk to Brian. Any other morning she would have been more subtle, but her head was far from screwed on straight. She was trying to focus on what she could fix, rather than the confusion that settled in the pit of her stomach following that kiss the night before. What had Maura even been thinking?

Jacob placed a hand on her shoulder and said her name, drawing her out of her thoughts which were quickly spiralling out of control. She shrugged and admitted, "He's one of two possibilities. It's just due diligence at this stage."

His brows creased and he looked off into the distance, beyond the carpark and a dinky little wooden building, into the trees. Jane wondered what he was feeling in this moment, but didn't interrupt his thoughts. He slowly nodded as he turned his gaze back upon her, "Who's the other suspect?"

"Who do you think?" Jane asked him in an attempt to gauge if he was still thinking like an investigator or a man worried about his lover.

"Well, I'm thinking that if Justin who is missing is a suspect, then Douglas Walton who also happens to be missing without a trace is probably on that list too right? What about Liam? Is he a suspect too? Why would all three of them disappear like this?"

It took every ounce of self control not to spill those pertinent details. Part of her wanted Alec to rot in Hell, or in this case Risdon Prison for his role in all of this, but a bigger part of her knew she still needed him. With a heavy sigh that displayed her exasperation with the current state of her life she said, "There's been some new evidence that suggests his missing status is legit and the motivation behind all of the attacks on Missy and Alexis."

Jacob rubbed his shoulder, grimaced a little and then leaned forward placing his forearms against the bar that ran along the top of the chain link fence. He shook his head sadly and said, "Well the way Brian tells it Justin worshipped Liam even after the assault."

"Well he did sit on the truth of that for a while didn't he?" Jane observed, recalling their first conversation on the topic.

"Justin honestly always sounded like a closeted gay to me. Brian refutes me everytime. He says he is the only gay man in his family."

"What does your gut tell you?"

"Not so much my gut, but the photograph I found of the three guys taken together at the academy. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that Douglas and Liam were looking at the camera, while Justin was looking directly at Liam. It was just a photo, but the look on his face, Rizzoli. There's no doubt he was really into him."

If what Jacob was saying was true, it strengthened Justin's motive. Attraction can make way for obsession very quickly. If the other things Alec had been telling her were true, then the killer is absolutely obsessed with the truth about Liam and payback for his death. Justin really fit the bill, which meant talking to Brian was her number one priority. Because even if he was simply a man wondering what happened to his brother, he might remember a detail that was never revealed during the first investigation. He might have a clue that would help her track Justin down.

"Let me know when Brian wants to sit down and talk and please, I know that he's your boyfriend, but let's just keep this between us for now. All this could be nothing, but if Brian holds back because he thinks I'm trying to pin something awful on his brother we're not going to have any hope of finding Justin."

Jacob straightened out and turned to face her, "At this point I'm just as invested in the truth as you, Rizzoli. I'm not going to interfere with your process. All I ask is you give Brian a fair go before you make any assumptions about him."

"Absolutely. I'll give him the same respect I would afford my own family and friends." It was a fair request because she knew if positions were reversed and Jacob wanted to question Melissa about something to do with one of her friends or relatives, she would be ridiculously protective.

The pair stood in silence for a few minutes, Jacob clearly following Jane's lead, which was to just stand there looking at the view. Her thoughts kept bouncing between her fears for Melissa and the lack of self control she had around Maura the night before. She was borderline obsessing over the kiss herself and she had been the driving force behind it from the moment Maura had initiated it. She wasn't like Maura; she wasn't someone highly interested in physical intimacy without emotional intimacy, without feelings. Which in hindsight is probably why her relationships with men really didn't last, because she never really felt strongly for any of them and sex felt like a chore and nothing like it felt when she was with Melissa, or Maura for that matter. She didn't know if it was merely sex with women that unlocked what felt like a cheat code or if it was the emotional connection she felt with each woman when she went to bed with them.

Immediately her mind was right back in that motel room right after Maura left her and Melissa had risked her own life making a deal to save her. There had been something so incredibly alluring that moment. She felt the exact same pull towards Melissa that she had felt with Maura last night. Only what she thought were Melissa's feelings for Kelly acted like the cold shower she'd taken last night. It only served as a bigger build for the moment the next day when she couldn't contain her desire and attraction any longer.

It was easy in hindsight to look back and realise how deep she was already in it. No normal person would declare, be it to themselves or out loud, that they would do anything for someone without there being a real connection. As if that wasn't evidence enough, she would never normally think about fucking in public, but she had. She'd been so close to begging to take Melissa behind those shrubs against the end of the levee. And when they got home and were bouncing off the walls? She had never experienced sex like that before at all. She told herself she was meeting a desperate need, but that was more than fucking. That was three years of denial. That was three years of not touching the woman she loved and it had been so fucking intense. She regretted that they rushed it. She should have taken her time. She wished they'd taken their time. God, if she got the chance again she was going to take her time, she was going to make sure Melissa knew how damn loved she was.

If she could just shake those pesky thoughts about Maura. Her body had felt like an electric wire in Maura's presence last night. She understood that she found her ex attractive and that they had great chemistry and the sex when they were together was fantastic, but from the moment she committed to Melissa a lot of that physical spark between them had simply disappeared. So why now? Something felt like it shifted, but it didn't make any sense to her at all. And the guilt, the guilt is eating her alive because what she did know for sure is that her love for Melissa is still very real and very intense. She wants to build a life with Melissa. More than that, she needs it. But last night? Last night when Maura was standing right behind her, good God, she wanted to be inside that woman. If Maura had kissed her then, rather than waiting til she was rip-shit pissed off, there may not have been any stopping it.

Her mind threatened to run away with fantasises about how it could have continued, but she clamped them down quickly. It wasn't the time or place and she felt guilty enough as it was.

Maura was probably right. Her body was simply desperate to find something that would make her feel good and ease her stress. Boy it couldn't have picked a worse way to go about it, well aside from the booze, which it had also picked. Good God, no wonder Melissa found it such a struggle when things were out of control. The need to push all the crap aside and just feel good was near overwhelming and very hard to control.

Fucking pull it together.

Jane sucked in a deep breath, exhaled slowly and grabbed her left hand which had started shaking lightly, holding it in front of her body with her right hand. Across the river she honed in on this one tree separated from the others, its trunk was twisted and its branches broken. For a moment she felt like she understood exactly how the outcast eucalypt felt.

"Jane, are you alright?" Jacob sounded different. He sounded concerned. She stopped staring at the gnarled tree across the river and looked back towards him. His face was so gentle. She hadn't seen this side of him before. "Because you look like you're going through something pretty heavy."

"Yeah," she acknowledged. She welcomed the interruption and felt a desperation to talk things through bubbling in her blood, but reticence sitting at the forefront of her mind.

"You've been absent from work a lot recently, is everything alright at home?"

Home.

Jane sighed, shook her head and walked back over to the car where she paused and contemplated her options before deciding to lean against the hood with her arms crossed. She followed Jacob's movement to a spot standing next to her mirroring her position, only he scooted up further on the hood so that he was sitting on it. Her eyes widened a little at the audacity and he simply shrugged.

"I'm not exactly sure this is work appropriate." She explained, hoping he understood she wasn't talking about him sitting on the hood. Although, it wouldn't look great if a member of the public showed up to see a uniformed officer sitting that way.

"I'd like to think at this point we're a little more than colleagues. We're in the thick of it together. So if there's something bothering you or distracting you from what really needs handling, let's talk about it. No judgement here."

Jane took a long minute to simply stare at him and consider what he had to say. Their relationship had definitely come a long way since their first days together where he acted like a lazy asshole by making her do all the paperwork. He had proven himself a man to be respected and even this morning he was appropriately understanding of the situation they were in with regards to his boyfriend's brother. She'd even gone to bat for the guy when they'd had a small showdown with Gabby and Alec in the parking lot at work a while back. He might still be in uniform and she might be a detective now, but the respect and partnership was real. She'd work with him everyday if she could. Especially now that Alec had proven himself to be an untrustworthy asshole.

"It hasn't been easy adjusting to everything that's been happening. Gabby's brush with death has triggered some setbacks for Missy. It's just been a lot." Jane was all for bonding, but again wanted to respect Melissa's privacy. Her girlfriend didn't need everyone in town knowing she had voluntarily checked into a psychiatric facility.

Jacob nodded. His eyes looked very understanding. "It's not easy when they're struggling. You just try to be what they need and hope that today you get it right."

Jane's eyes widened. That was incredibly insightful for someone not privy to all the details. He must have a family member or friend that had significant mental health issues, it was the only thing that made sense. "Yeah well, apparently I haven't been getting it right."

"Sometimes all you can do is be there, Jane."

Jane harrumphed. If only that was an option. She sighed heavily and shook her head lightly. "If they even want to see you at all."

Jacob winced a little. "Oh I've been there. Just try and shut all the doubts out, it's not you. It's them. It's their struggle, their needs. Sometimes we just have to take a step back too."

Jane's eyes shot up and she pointed at herself and sarcastically questioned, "Have you met me?"

Jacob managed a sly grin and wryly observed, "Easier said than done for some."

Jane nudged him playfully with her elbow out of appreciation for his humour. She really liked this guy. She let the silence drag on for a few moments before moving away from the vehicle. She turned to meet his eyes, "I really hope I'm wrong about Justin."

Jacob slid from the vehicle and walked around to the passenger side door. He opened it and looked across the roof towards Jane whose actions mirrored his own. "You and me both."

From the moment Jane had left her standing alone in the psychiatrist's office with nothing more than heartbreak painted on her face, Melissa hadn't felt good about her decision at all. She knew it was necessary. She had reached a point in her life where she couldn't keep letting her demons win, but she was haunted by the look on Jane's face. She was so incredibly hurt that she wasn't really a part of the decision making process, but Melissa couldn't worry about that, not if she were to be the woman she wanted and needed to be for Jane.

It was more than that too. She needed to unlock whatever it was within her that she kept running from, because the dreams she couldn't remember were waking her up in the middle of the night in a panic. A gnawing voice in the back of her mind kept insisting it was important. It wasn't nightmares from Chicago either, because when she had those they were vivid and she'd wake, shaking, gasping for breath with Talia's lifeless eyes seared on the back of her eyelids. It was something else, something buried deep.

Guilt was another of her major issues. It ate her alive, day after day and while a part of her was used to relationships failing and disappointing people, she didn't want to put Jane through that. Jane had been nothing but supportive and understanding. She had held her through tears. She had made bold declarations of her feelings, choosing to be vulnerable in the process. Jane was in essence going against a lot of her nature to be what she needed. She needed honesty, Jane gave it to her. She needed softness, Jane gave it to her. She needed a pitbull to protect her from the world, Jane gave it to her. She needed Jane to take a step back, Jane gave it to her. Jane's primary directive had quite literally become 'what do you need?' and Melissa loved her for it.

Doctor Levinson was incredibly supportive, even drove her to the house to pick up a few things before taking her up to St Luke's for her stay. During the drive Melissa had admitted that as much as she needed a break from all the pressures her mind was under, what she really needed was help and that she was willing to pay whatever it took. Gloria still had regular patients she had to take care of, but she did offer to make time in the morning and after dinner to try and get the breakthroughs that would help Melissa move forward and start to heal. Melissa didn't want to feel so weak and out of control. She didn't want to keep blaming herself for things that were out of her hands, but more importantly she didn't want to blame her mental health for her poor decisions any longer. So Melissa made the only decision she could, she agreed to Gloria's terms.

After dinner she switched her phone to silent and settled into sleep. She had a big week ahead, starting in the morning. Gloria was due to arrive first thing and the real work would begin. Melissa felt a sense of purpose with that knowledge. She knew it might still take time and she did worry that it would take too long for Jane, but that was a thought she pushed out of her mind. She closed her eyes and whispered, "She loves me," over and over again to calm her nerves, until finally she fell into a deep slumber.

At some point in the early morning, four a.m. according to her phone, Melissa was jolted awake by another of those really bad dreams that left her feeling, more than remembering. She couldn't remember who was in the dream or what it was about, but she felt afraid. She felt unsettled. She felt lost. She had to watch youtube videos on her phone to distract her mind from the uneasiness she felt before she could fall back to sleep. Thirty minutes later she was out like a light and didn't wake again for a few more hours.

A little after seven she climbed out of bed and used the shower in the small ensuite attached to her room. It was one of the few luxuries afforded by having private health coverage. She got her own private room with an ensuite and a window with a view of the hospital lawns. It was the same room she lived in for three weeks back in 2011. Back when Jane had fought so valiantly against the inevitable. Sometimes she wished she had listened to Jane then. A woman who had barely known her for two days had advocated for her better than she ever advocated for herself.

Melissa couldn't help but wonder if they would have still fallen in love if it wasn't for that stay and the unique circumstances around it. Would it have happened more naturally, more slowly, over time? Or was the pressure cooker of an intense environment where it was mostly just the two of them without the outside world getting in the way precisely what allowed them to fall in love? Melissa didn't know, she just knew it was nice to have a room with good memories attached to it.

After showering she dressed and moved some of the furniture around. The bed was in the middle of the room, flanked by two wooden chairs with padded cushions for guests to sit on. She moved the chair from under the window around to the other side of the room, closer to the door and set it down opposite the one by the bed. The room itself had actually had a makeover since the last time she was there. The walls were no longer painted a dullish grey but instead they were painted cream with the safety railings and the ceiling moulding sky blue in colour. Perhaps Jane's incessantly loud complaints about the room feeling like a prison cell didn't fall on deaf ears after all.

An orderly brought in breakfast, which Melissa picked at absently while sitting on the end of the bed. Her eyes kept gravitating towards the clock, each second ticked over painfully slowly as all the determination she felt the day before when organising this entire situation waned. She missed Jane terribly and it had only been one night. She grabbed her phone and considered calling her girlfriend but eventually pocketed the device instead. Her legs bounced against the bed as a surge of trepidation flooded her system. Was this a good idea? Gloria was undoubtedly going to try and uncover things that might be best left in the past. If she couldn't remember them, they couldn't be that serious. Why dredge up painful memories? Why endure more hurt?

A sharp knock on her door preceded Gloria poking her head into the room. Her face looked soft and welcoming and it helped put Melissa at ease. She could do this. She could face the past. She motioned in the direction of the chair closest to the door before sitting down in the one closest to the ensuite. "Good morning, Gloria."

"Good morning, Melissa. How are you feeling?" Gloria asked once she had made herself comfortable in the chair, one leg crossed over the other. She pulled her notebook from her bag, which she then set down beside the chair. She held the notebook against her knee and looked up expectantly.

Melissa watched all this, her mouth feeling unexpectedly dry. She reached over for a cup of water sitting on the side table between the bed and her chair and took a sip before meeting the expectant gaze. It was an easy question, right? How was she feeling right now? "Nervous, actually. I know this is something I need to do, but a big part of me just wants to let sleeping dogs lie."

"We can absolutely take this at the slower pace we have been working if you want to, Melissa. That's entirely up to you."

It was the sort of out Melissa had taken every single time she had been in therapy in her life. She talked about a lot of her trauma, glossed over some of it, and some topics she ignored completely. Well one topic in particular. She had no doubt that topic was coming and if she wanted to avoid it then she knew now was the time to say something. She thought of Jane and instantly fortified her mind. There was a very good reason she was doing this. "No, it's time. Obviously use your own judgement, but if you think I can handle it… push it. Let's start."

Gloria didn't even bother to reference any previous notes in her notebook. She was clearly prepared for this moment. With a soft and understanding look on her face she said, "Talk to me about Rachael."

Immediately Melissa's body tensed up. She couldn't meet Gloria's gaze, instead her eyes found a crumb on the ground that looked most fascinating. She understood this was coming, she wasn't stupid. She knew giving Gloria carte blanche regarding their discussion topics was going to lead to this. She knew because she had spoken in depth about Chicago, her relationship with Gabby, her relationship with Kelly. her relationship with Jane and even her feelings about Maura's existence in her life. However, when the topic of Rachael came up she would clam up or move along very quickly.

"I guess that's why you're paid the big bucks," Melissa said jokingly, in an attempt to break the tension she felt. "Honing right in on what hurts the most."

Gloria simply shifted which leg she had crossed over the other and didn't say a word.

Melissa decided her best option was to simply talk in the hopes that eventually the deep, dark stuff would come to light. "So um, Rachael is… was… like a sister to me for so much of my life. She's a couple years older, um, so I actually met her when I was like five. I had a playdate with Monica. She was an obnoxious brat that day and wouldn't leave us alone at all."

Melissa couldn't help but smile. She didn't remember too much from when she was that young, but she remembered the doll snatching and incessant chatter. Monica was not impressed that her big sister was trying to steal the attention of her school friend. "I think she thought I was going to steal her sister away from her. They were always so close."

Rachael had always been so protective of Monica and suspicious of her when they first met, but that all changed after her parents died. Rachael, still just an obnoxious brat of a kid in general, was completely different.

"When I started living with them it all changed instantly. I don't know what Graham and Diane said to both those girls in preparation for my permanent arrival, but it must have been something, because Rachael was just so warm and protective. That first night I cried and cried for my mum and dad and she climbed into the bed with me, told me that I could share her mum and dad and then she wrapped me up in her arms and cuddled up with me for the rest of the night."

"Do you recall how you felt that night?"

"Sad I guess, I mean my parents had died a few days prior and I missed them terribly. I still do sometimes." Melissa answered, reluctant to delve more deeply into it.

"What about when Rachael comforted you? How did that feel?" Gloria questioned, scribbling a few notes down in her notebook.

Melissa shrugged. "I dunno, I was six, Gloria. It was a new house that I had visited twice before then and I was thrust into sharing a room with Rachael."

"Not Monica?"

"I mean she was my friend from school, it would make so much more sense if I shared her room, but that wasn't what happened. You'd have to talk to Graham and Diane about that." Melissa shifted uncomfortably in her chair. She didn't understand the line of questioning, but she also recognised it wasn't for her to judge either.

"Why is it you refer to them as Graham and Diane? Did they not effectively become your parents?" Gloria probed, maintaining a kind and soft look on her face.

Melissa shrugged again. "I dunno."

"Hmm, okay. Moving along. Did you feel comforted by Rachael that first night?"

"I guess so. I dunno. Why are we so focused on when I was six?"

"I'm just trying to get a broad picture of the nature of your relationship with Rachael, that's all."

Melissa pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes before curtly responding, "She comforted me, protected me and made me feel safe at a time I didn't know if I would ever know what that felt like again."

"Okay. Did she climb into bed with you and comfort you often as children?"

"Just the first few nights, after that I settled down and was more comfortable in my environment. She had no reason to feel such empathy at that point."

Every time Gloria jotted down a note the more anxious Melissa became. What on earth was Gloria seeing that she wasn't? For that matter, why was she feeling so on edge? They were discussing the safe topics as far as her history with Rachael went. Melissa picked at the end of the arm of the chair with her finger nail.

"Did you keep sharing a room with Rachael as you got older?"

"Nah, at some point they cleared out the sun room and put me in there."

"And as you grew older, what was your relationship with Rachael like then?"

"Do you mean high school? I was just a weird kid, got bullied a bit until Rachael put a stop to it. Well until she moved onto LC anyway. Last couple of years sucked without her there."

"When you were in high school did you feel an attraction to her? Or notice an attraction she may have had to you?"

Melissa stared at Gloria. It wasn't that her romantic relationship with Rachael was a secret, it just hit differently in this context. It felt weird. She was never really attracted to anyone until she was attracted to Gabby when she was eighteen. It just wasn't something that occurred to her. All she remembered caring about in high school was softball and avoiding the bullies.

"No. It wasn't like that, for either one of us." Melissa answered a lot more forcefully than she anticipated. "Gabby was the first person, male or female I ever felt attracted to."

Gloria nodded a couple of times, clearly searching through her mental catalogue before she said, "Let's skip your feelings for Gabby at the moment. I want to focus on the influence of Rachael in your life."

Melissa felt restless and agitated. She slipped her hand into her pocket and gripped her phone, part of her wanting so desperately to call Jane. She needed to centre herself and Jane always, well mostly, managed to help her with that. Gloria's gaze felt intense and Melissa wasn't sure if her face had changed from being soft at all. It was just her own sense that was skewed because she really didn't want to focus on Rachael anymore. Abruptly she stood up and said, "I need to use the bathroom."

Melissa didn't wait for Gloria to acquiesce to her request, instead she just let herself into the ensuite, closing the door behind her. She stared into the mirror and splashed water onto her face. Her entire body felt rigid. What the Hell was happening? They weren't even close to talking about Rachael's death and of course the romance that changed her life forever. Why was she so freaked out about setting up the basic gist of her relationship with Rachael through the years?

You know why.

The voice in the back of her head was getting louder. Refusing to be pushed down. Melisa wanted nothing more than to swallow it down.

It's time to face the truth.

Melissa splashed her face again and dried off with a hand towel before exiting the ensuite. For a moment she paused, feeling apprehensive and nervous but sat back down and faced Gloria. "What was your question again?

"It wasn't a question. Just a request to skip over Gabby for the time being. I'm trying to understand your relationship with Rachael better."

"Right," Melissa nodded as if what was being asked was rudimentary and not at all setting her on a course to face truths she thought might be best kept buried. "I mean, she was just there for me, you know? Very protective and it comforted me."

"So you two talked a lot?"

"I mean yeah, as long as it wasn't about my sexuality we talked about practically everything and if I couldn't verbalise it that was okay too. She'd just hold me and I'd feel calm."

Gloria hummed to herself, which always left Melissa wondering what kind of observation she was making. This time it just prompted her to think more deeply about the nature of her relationship with Rachael. Goosebumps appeared on her arms and she froze. Her mind clamped down on memories that seemed innocuous. It was confusing.

Gloria recognised her distress and honed in, "What are you thinking about right now?"

Melissa shook her head repeatedly, refusing to answer. Her fingernails dug into her leg, allowing her to focus on the physical pain instead of the emotional pain threatening to rip through her body.

"Melissa, I understand that this is difficult for you, but these are the moments where real insight can be gained. So please, what are you thinking about?"

Melissa closed her eyes and clenched her hands into fists. A picture was forming in her head and it made her feel very uncomfortable. "The way she would hold me."

Melissa abruptly stood and walked over to the window and looked out, her eyes not really seeing. Her body was simply going through the motions as her brain forced her to confront something that didn't seem that bad on the surface, but left her feeling significantly distraught. Over the years, of all the times Rachael held her, it was always the same. It never changed. Not from when they were considered foster siblings to when they were having their affair. Melissa turned back to Gloria, "It was never different with Rachael. I mean once she was like fifteen until the end… she always held me so close to her chest. Always rubbed circles into my back. Always kissed the top of my head, sometimes the side of my head. Always so affectionate, but only ever with me."

Gloria's eyes softened and Melissa hated that. She hated seeing the concern and it didn't make sense. Rachael was simply a protector. "She was just protecting me."

Gloria ignored her attempt to brush it off. "How often was this occurring?"

Melissa turned back to the window and looked out at the patch of green lawn she could see across the way. A cold sensation crept its way along her spine, it took a moment for her to identify the feeling. It was shame. She felt ashamed and she didn't want to think about that question at all. Thinking about it meant acknowledging reality and she did not want to do that. She tried to play it off, "I don't… I don't know."

"Normally this is where I would suggest we take a break." Gloria explained firmly, "But you need to try and push through it if you want to start making real progress. How often did Rachael hold you like that?"

Melissa's arms wrapped around her own body in a self soothing technique and she continued to stare out the window. "Practically every night," she whispered, her entire body felt tense. It wasn't sexual, it was simply comforting and oh God. She had stopped letting it happen once she was in a relationship with Gabby, because even at nineteen she realised it was too intimate.

She was only thirteen at the time Rachael leaned into her very touchy feely nature. Her sudden clarity left a trail of scorched earth in her brain. She shook her head repeatedly, refusing to believe it. She didn't want this crisp clarity. She felt her stomach churn. She turned her body so that her eyes could settle on her psychiatrist. "I was only thirteen," she muttered.

Gloria looked concerned. She leaned forward. "Do you remember something?"

Melissa waved her off, refusing to believe what her brain was trying to tell her all the while trying to defend Rachael from the allegations she could feel sitting on the edge of Gloria's tongue. "It's nothing like that. I was a messed up kid and teen and she was just giving me what I needed."

"You needed to spend your nights wrapped in her arms?"

There was something about the way Gloria asked the question that struck a chord deep within and it sent her racing towards the bathroom. Melissa heaved up bile and half digested toast, before rinsing her mouth out. She stared into the mirror for the second time that morning and memories slammed into her. She gripped the sink and bowed down, bitter hot tears burning her face.

Some of the kisses reached her neck, her clavicle and her shoulder.

"I'm right here baby girl."

A hand slid under her shirt, pressing against the bare skin of her stomach.

"No, no, no." Melissa sobbed, her knuckles white from gripping the sink so tightly to hold herself up. Her knees felt like they were going to buckle.

There was a soft knock on the door and Gloria asked, "Melissa, are you alright? Should I call a nurse?"

Melissa lifted her head, waited until her legs felt a little less like jelly and pushed it all back down inside. They were both just kids. It didn't mean anything. She wasn't dealing with this. Not now, not ever. She stared back at herself in the mirror and watched her face harden like stone. Her eyes were haunted. She closed them, took in several deep breaths and when she opened them, they were hard too. She stepped back into the main room and said in a monotone voice, "I'm fine."

They both retook their seats. Gloria looked hesitant but chose to push forward. "So at thirteen you viewed her as your sister?"

Melissa nodded.

"And as an adult?"

The silence that sprung up between them was almost crippling. All Melissa could hear were her own shallow breaths. She spoke like a woman convincing herself that a lie was the truth. It was easier this way. "I wanted her. I wanted all of it. I was in love with her."

"Melissa…"

"Please don't." Melissa practically whimpered, a sign of her facade cracking.

"Melissa, it wasn't…"

"Wasn't what?" Melissa snapped angrily, interrupting Gloria before she could finish her sentence. "Wasn't real? It was real. It felt real. It upended my entire life. Don't sit there trying to tell me how I felt. I'm not stupid. I know how I felt."

She really didn't. She doubted everything. Her entire world view was skewed, but she couldn't process it. She couldn't face it. She wouldn't let anyone say anything bad about Rachael. She was her protector, her love.

Gloria looked a little in shock, but she quickly smoothed her features over and nodded softly, apologising. But Melissa was having none of it. She glared at her psychiatrist and said, "You know what? I'm done. This is pointless. Just leave. Don't come back."

I can't stop thinking about last night.

Jane stared at the text message on her phone which she held in her lap with one hand while she absently chewed at her thumbnail on the other. She hadn't heard from Maura all day, this was a Hell of a text for her ex-fiancée to open with.

Jane glanced through the windscreen down the street. The St Leonard's Pub was bustling with life, but as of yet not the life they were hoping to stumble across. Bertie remained at large and while she knew this was a waste of time, her mind was too preoccupied to be of any real use whatsoever.

Maura's text was so brazen and definitely unexpected. Her own mind had been replaying that kiss and pushing aside fantasies about taking it further all damn day. When she wasn't thinking about that she was engulfed in guilt. Her girlfriend was in real trouble, fighting for her sobriety and mental health and she was out here slacking off so she could fantasise about her ex.

Jane typed out a response, taking it one step further.

I can't stop thinking about you.

She was about to hit send without any more thought when a second text came through from Maura.

I really shouldn't have kissed you. It was inappropriate and it won't happen again. I respect your relationship Jane. Please forgive me.

Jane's eyes almost burst out of her head and she couldn't delete her message fast enough. Naturally Maura had broken up her message at the worst spot. Her ex was probably completely oblivious to the titillating nature of her first message. Jane sighed heavily, and typed out a quick response.

I know you do. I'm sorry I escalated it, I don't know what came over me. There's nothing to forgive. We're good,

Jane hit send and just kept staring at the phone, with an apparently anticipatory look on her face because Jacob broke the silence with an incredibly sassy, "Hot date tonight, detective?"

Jane snapped to attention and resisted the temptation to groan. She completely forgot he was in the car with her and she barely heard what he said. "What?"

He pointed at the phone in her hand. "Missy sending you dirty texts to help you pass the time? Because you're glued to that phone."

"What? No." Jane tossed her phone on the dash like it was a game of hot potato and she was about to get burned.

His brows furrowed and he lost his youthful cheer. "Trouble in paradise?"

Jane frowned, a little put out by his efforts at conversation, mostly because she felt guilty. He clearly thought she was in the midst of some kind of inappropriate for the workplace flirting. "What? No. It's just Maura."

The look on his face made Jane want to slap herself. That was not the right thing to say. She was too tired for this. Too stressed. Too guilt ridden. She was not prepared.

"Oh," he said quietly, making it a point to stare down the road. As if it was none of his business anyways, which it absolutely wasn't.

"It's not like that," Jane mumbled unconvincingly, no doubt for him and definitely for herself. It may not have been technically like that, but in her mind, it had been like that all damn day. She couldn't stop thinking about Maura. Couldn't stop thinking about undressing her and… quit it Jane. Enough is enough. Your own colleague is about to call your ass out

"I'm sure it isn't." From his tone alone Jane knew Jacob didn't believe her.

"Jacob," she said firmly in an attempt to draw his attention. When he looked back at her she said, "We're friends right? What's said between us, stays between us?"

Jacob's eyes softened a little and he said, "We're partners, Rizzoli. They might have given you permission to wear those awful pant suits, but we're still partners as far as I'm concerned. That means more than friendship in my book."

For a moment Jane forgot about all her worries and looked down at her very basic, very cheap outfit. Black Pants, black jacket, a dark purple shirt. She was comfortable in her own skin and lifted a challenging eyebrow in his direction. "There's nothing wrong with my outfit."

Jacob smirked. "The 90s called, they want their outfit back."

Jane simply offered him an eyeroll in return. Naturally the one gay man she developed a bond with matched the stereotype of having an eye for fashion. Just like Maura though, he could shove it. She worked for the people, she didn't need to be showing up to crime scenes and interviewing people looking like she was above them and out of touch. At least he didn't suggest her outfit belonged in a goodwill store like a certain doctor once did.

"So what's going on Jane?" He asked, directing them back to the business at hand.

"I had a rough night and Maura came over, one thing led to another and we kissed." Jane found it difficult maintaining eye contact, because guilt had her gut feeling terribly, either that or she was lactose intolerant all of a sudden.

"Like a quick peck on the lips? Or?" He sounded like he already knew the answer and was just hoping he was wrong.

Jane didn't know how to quantify the kiss. She had been trying to figure it out all day. The closest she could get was that it was the kind of kiss that could get a woman pregnant. Because kisses like that signified intent. Which begged the question, how on earth did she manage to clamp down her desire and not compound one mistake with another? Perhaps because she was the one with all of the intent; precisely why guilt chewed up her insides like a dog chewed on a bone.

"It was inappropriate, is what it was. I feel like scum of the earth, Jacob. I mean seriously, with everything going on… Missy deserves so much more from me."

"Do you think you made a mistake getting together with Missy?"

Jane's eyes flashed dangerously and she resisted the temptation to grab him by the collar and violently shake him for even suggesting it. It was an instant, raw, visceral fire that threatened to consume her at the mere thought of it. "Don't even suggest that. I'd take a fucking bullet for that woman. Do you hear me? She's my heart and fucking soul."

"And yet you're kissing your ex in ways that I suspect might even make me blush." He observed drily.

Jane banged her head against the headrest several times in frustration. It was a unique situation she found herself in. Jacob was the only person she knew and trusted enough to even talk to about this, because everyone else she might speak to had a vested interest in the action. She couldn't exactly call her girlfriend up and say, 'hey by the way I kissed Maura last night,' and talking to Maura about how confused she found herself to be was also out of the question. Gabby would want to punch her in the face and inevitably pop some stitches and then Maura would want to kill her and honestly it was exhausting. Alec, well Alec could seriously go and get fucked. His lying ass wasn't worth a moment of her time. With Jacob there was that whole partner bond. She still knew things about Frost nobody else knew and there were undoubtedly a few things he knew about her at different times that never saw the light of day. She was putting a lot of trust in Jacob.

She rolled her head to the side and looked at him again, "The problem is that everything I said about Missy, feels true about Maura too. I'd die for her, Jacob. She's just as much a part of my heart and soul as Missy is and I don't fuckin' know what I'm doing or why I'm feeling like this."

"You think you love 'em both the same?" He questioned, dead serious.

Jane shrugged. That wasn't how it was supposed to work. People didn't just love two people the same. No, she was just confused and dealing with unresolved feelings. It had to be that. What else could it be?

"Jane," he apparently shared the same talent as Maura. Many different inflections with the use of the same four letters that made her stop and take him seriously.

"I dunno, alright? I love Missy. I love Maura."

"But which one are you in love with?"

Jane's phone started ringing and she let out a breath she didn't realise she had been holding. She snatched it up and couldn't help the way her face fell. Naturally Melissa would call her while she was in the midst of what might turn into a pivotal conversation. She answered the phone and the moment she heard Melissa's voice all of the tension and guilt faded away. She smiled, "Hello sweetheart."

Her smile didn't last long as she realised that Melissa was not in a good headspace at all. She was fixated on eggs and the fact they didn't have any and Jane was still trying to process the fact that Melissa was home. Before she could figure out how she felt about that, the waves of anxiety rolling off of Melissa hit her like concrete pouring from a mixer. It was heavy and wet and in danger of setting where it shouldn't. "I'm on my way, I'll pick up some eggs. Okay, okay. I love you too."

When she ended the call she looked at Jacob and said, "We're done. I have to go home."

Jacob just stared at her for a long moment. Causing her to rub at her face thinking she had a giant zit or some other hideous growth springing up out of nowhere. He just smiled softly at her and said, "Ignore my last question. I just got my answer."

Jane was already putting the car in gear, but she stopped and looked at him, confused. Her mind was too busy thinking about the quickest route back to the station and the nearest supermarket to pick up the eggs on her way back home in her own vehicle. "What?"

"Your face just melted. It was so soft, Jane. So bloody soft." He observed, before smiling wickedly and finishing with a tension breaker, "Much better than your usual mean and crotchety look."

"Well yeah," she answered automatically, not processing his witty barb straight away. "She's my heart." It took a minute for the rest of his comment to soak into her brain. She glanced sideways and smirked, "Keep talking about my face like that, you'll find out what my boot up your ass feels like."

Jacob laughed. It was nice to hear. She appreciated the humour, because at this point she felt like she was about to be buried under a tsunami of shit.

Jane quickly learned, after madly running around the supermarket picking up two dozen eggs and anything and everything that could be paired with eggs, that the tsunami she would face wasn't necessarily shit. Rather Jane found, when she walked into the house grocery bags filled with eggs, bacon, fresh vegetables and the all important rum and raisin dark chocolate, that she faced a whirlwind of activity.

Jane had intended to place the bags down on the dining table, but it was covered in boxes and cans. She walked towards the kitchenette where she noticed Melissa furtively searching through the pan cupboard. The bench was covered in pots and pans and assorted lids, most of which looked like their matching pan or pot had long since disappeared. She managed to find a spot to sit the bags down and she watched Melissa as her attention kept shifting from the pans to the sink, to the dishwasher back to the cupboards, even squeezing past her to put more stuff on the dining room table.

The energy being expended was exhausting Jane and she was just standing there whirling left and right as Melissa went about her business. Her girlfriend didn't seem to notice her arrival and was clearly lost in her own mind, muttering indiscernible comments to herself as she bounced around erratically. During a brief moment of reprieve where Melissa stood still with her palms pressed against the sink, looking out the kitchen window, Jane made her presence known. She cleared her throat and said, "I got eggs and a whole bunch of other stuff because I wasn't sure what you wanted to make with the eggs. Also, I got you chocolate. Rum and raisin, your favourite."

The sound of her voice clearly startled Melissa who almost jumped out of her skin as she turned to face her, which told Jane her girlfriend was clearly not with it at all. It worried her. The worry only increased when Melissa rapidly responded, "But is it my favourite though? I haven't tried all the chocolate, so how do we really know it's my favourite? And is it the right brand, or is it the cheap store brand, because you know the store brand stuff tastes terrible."

Jane grabbed the chocolate from the top of the bag and held it up, it most definitely wasn't the supermarket brand. It was Cadbury Old Gold, which Melissa had unequivocally declared as her favourite in the past, because she was a big fan of dark chocolate in general. Jane felt like her first attempt at soothing whatever ailed her girlfriend had landed incredibly short. It was time to reassess. She put the chocolate back in the bag and motioned back over her shoulder, "What's um, going on out there?"

Melissa looked at her with a puzzled expression on her face, almost as if she had asked the most ridiculous question. Jane recognised that there was clearly some serious cleaning happening, but why now? Melissa wanted to cook eggs when she called. She was a long way from doing that and why was she even home? Not that Jane was sad about that, just seeing Melissa caused an explosion of warmth to permeate throughout her body. Thankfully for Jane, she was so busy worrying about Melissa that she didn't have time to focus on the sensation of gnawing guilt that sat alongside the warmth blooming in her chest.

Melissa walked past her into the dining room and Jane followed. Melissa picked up a can of Spam and said, "This can expired in 1997, Jane. 1997!"

Many thoughts occurred to Jane at that moment. One of which included deducing that the can had been in the house since Melissa was a child. The other observation she shared with a smirk, "Of course it's expired Missy. Nobody in their right mind would eat that stuff."

Melissa's response was to pick up a can of baked beans and forcefully exclaim, "This expired in 2007."

Jane nodded slowly trying to formulate the best plan of attack while Melissa started picking up more canned goods and calling out their expiry date. The speed with which she picked up, called out and slammed down the cans kept increasing until it was at a cartoonish level of absurdity. Finally Jane shrugged and said, "Okay so we have some sorting to do. I'll put the groceries away in the fridge and then I'll help you."

Melissa didn't say anything but she did stop slamming cans back onto the table, which Jane took as a sign her offer was accepted.

While putting the eggs and other groceries away Jane pondered what she was seeing and what she had heard on the phone earlier. It made zero sense for her girlfriend to be back home after only one night and to be bouncing around with seemingly endless energy. If she didn't know better she would have thought she had taken some kind of amphetamine. Well, she hoped she knew better.

Jane walked to the doorway between the kitchenette and dining area and looked at Melissa with the softest eyes she could conjure. "Sweetheart, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Melissa said without meeting her gaze as she herself started splitting products on the table into separate piles. "Left side we keep. Right side we throw away."

There were many times in life that Jane questioned her own understanding of a situation, tonight was not one of those times. She knew without any doubt that something was very wrong with Melissa, because this wasn't her girlfriend. Her girlfriend doesn't spring clean in the middle of summer, if at all. The can of Spam that expired in the nineties was proof enough of that belief. Melissa was soft in her home. She was gentle and relaxed and the kind of person that would own twelve different pots and pans but also 30 different lids and think nothing of it. She was usually gracious and physical with her affection but hadn't touched her once or thanked her for picking up some groceries. The woman she's looking at is wired, hyper fixated on the kitchen and not at all a version of Melissa she recognised.

Jane moved over to the table and started picking up cans and checking the expiry dates, careful to place them in the appropriate piles. It was time to do some sleuthing, but she knew she had to take it easy or Melissa might spook. Jane looked to keep things conversational, "So are you just home for dinner or are you back, back?"

"I'm home. It wasn't working for me." Melissa answered concisely, setting a can of chickpeas into the throw away pile.

"Hey, why's that can in that pile, it's still got six months on it?" Jane questioned with a smile, wanting to intersperse her questions with genuinely innocuous ones.

Melissa's eyes locked on to Jane, she pursed her lips together and shook her head at the apparent absurdity of the question. "Do you want to eat chickpeas Jane?"

"Not really."

"That's why it's in the throw away pile." Melissa answered firmly. "Because nobody wants to eat that."

"No I guess they don't." Jane pushed a couple of cans of beetroot into the keep pile and asked, "Why wasn't it working for you? Not that I'm complaining, I'm really happy to see you."

"It was just stupid. Leave it alone." Melissa answered forcefully, her brow creasing as if she was concentrating really hard on the label in front of her.

"I'm sorry sweetheart. I'm just really worried about you."

Melissa's head snapped up and her eyes darkened. "Well don't. Why is everyone so fucking worried about me? I'm fine. I'm just fucking fine, alright? Can we get this done so I can make dinner?"

Jane nodded, a little shocked by the delivery. Melissa's voice had risen a couple of octaves and gotten snappish, which sent danger signals throughout Jane's body. This woman was not to be messed with. "Okay, okay yeah let's do that."

Before long the table was separated. Jane retrieved a box and helped Melissa load the throw away cans into it and then they put the other cans away in the cupboards. When the task was complete Melissa gently touched Jane's wrist to draw her attention. "I'm sorry honey, I'm just a little pissed off. I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I missed you so much last night, it was so hard not to call you."

Jane's smile was genuinely warm, it was nice to see a more familiar side of Melissa. "I missed you too."

Was that before or after you had your tongue down Maura's throat?

Jane's conscience decided now of all moments was the time to remind her of the betrayal she had committed the night before. She casually reached over to the pots and pans so as to avoid eye contact and asked, "Are we sorting out the pairs here and tossing the strays?"

"Jane," Melissa murmured as she wrapped her arms around Jane from behind. "I really don't care about pots and pans right now."

Jane stiffened at her girlfriend's touch, the guilt she felt threatening to consume her. She covered Melissa's hands with her own and leaned back into Melissa's hold in an attempt to hide the tension she felt. She quietly asked, "What do you care about?"

"You. Me. Us."

Jane felt Melissa's hand slide towards her belt. Instantly Jane grabbed the hand and gently pulled it back. She wasn't confident that this wasn't just another symptom of Melissa's distress, which in combination with her own guilt meant there was no way she was going to allow it to escalate. She spoke quietly, "No. I'm worried about you, Missy. Really worried. I think I should call Gloria."

Melissa immediately pulled away and huffed in frustration. "She's useless Jane. Don't waste your time."

Jane turned to face Melissa who was looking at the refrigerator, clearly not keen on making eye contact. She didn't need eye contact to recognise the anxiety level of her girlfriend ratcheted up a notch at the mention of Gloria's name. "Did something happen?"

"She's just made it very clear to me this morning that she doesn't know what she's doin' alright? I'm done talking to her." Melissa spat out forcefully, holding her hands up in front of her body and shaking them dismissively as she turned and walked out of the kitchenette.

Jane followed after her girlfriend, convinced that this was one of those moments where leaving her alone was a terrible idea. If Melissa was accurate in her assessment and the patient/therapist relationship had broken down then they had to look into other options, but she needed to be sure that was actuality and not perception. "Look, I'll find someone else for you to talk to if that's what you need, but can you just tell me what happened so I know what to avoid?"

"She doesn't know what she's talkin' about. She asked a whole bunch of irrelevant questions." Melissa explained, as she walked to their bedroom door and opened it.

Jane watched as Melissa placed her hand against the doorframe and felt a surge of concern when her knuckles went white from the pressure being exerted against them. From her position behind Melissa it looked like she was reluctant to enter their room, terrified even.

What the Hell happened this morning?

Jane moved closer and placed a hand against Melissa's shoulder in an attempt to start comforting her, but her girlfriend shrugged away from the touch. In a voice barely above a whisper Jane questioned, "What did she ask you about?"

"Rachael," Melissa admitted so quietly Jane almost didn't catch it.

Jane took several deep breaths to steady her nerves. Rachael had always been a touchy subject that left Melissa feeling distraught. It was understandable given the circumstances. She couldn't imagine the grief that came along with watching someone you love die in front of you. "Can we talk about it? Would that be okay?"

"I don't want to."

Melissa's voice was almost distant, she didn't sound with it at all and Jane wished she could just look at her face to know what she was feeling. She could hazard many guesses, but this time didn't feel like the others. This quiet storm brewing within her girlfriend was actually terrifying. Jane switched course, "Was this your room when you lived here as a kid?"

Melissa shook her head.

Jane sighed softly, trying not to let her own worry add to the thoughts causing Melissa such distress. "Was it Rachael's?"

"Yeah."

"What did Gloria ask about, Missy?"

"My first night in this house. The sleeping arrangements."

"What else?" Jane didn't want to push but she knew if she didn't at least nudge the conversation along Melissa would likely shut down altogether.

Melissa felt the tension in her knuckles as her hand gripped the door frame tightly. Her arm shook under the pressure of it and she squeezed her eyes shut, pushing out the tears that had come unbidden. Jane spoke quietly, her voice laced with obvious care and concern, but she didn't understand. She couldn't understand. How could she? No one else could. She liked going to sleep in Rachael's arms. She did. She absolutely did. So fuck Gloria and her bullshit insinuations.

Why can't I step into this room?

Melissa's conscious brain was pushing forward a thought from her subconscious as her arm continued to brace her against entrance to a room that she had long made her home. The room had her CD collection, her music posters and her bed and yet it was as if there was an invisible barrier preventing her from crossing the threshold. She tried desperately to take a step forward, but her feet were locked firmly in place. Christ, even the paint was different. Everything about the room was different. It had to be. After Rachael's death, after Monica moved out, after it all changed… it had to change. It had to. It did.

And yet, she was frozen. A voice from the past practically purring in her ear, "I'm right here baby girl."

Melissa rolled her neck, and tried to draw herself back to the present. Jane had asked her something. What was Jane asking again?

"What else did she ask you?" Jane repeated as if she could read her mind. She sounded really close and Melissa wanted nothing more than to turn into her arms and forget all of this. She was desperate to forget it. The past could stay buried as far as she was concerned.

She isn't going to stop, is she?

Melissa released her hold from the doorframe and turned to face Jane. Hot tears slipped down her own face as she stared into soulful dark eyes that were begging to help, to understand. Jane was the one person she understood. The one person she trusted. She didn't even trust herself. God, she just wanted one normal night. Was that too much to ask for?

"Please." Jane sounded desperate.

Melissa picked a spot on the wall beyond Jane's shoulder to stare at because she couldn't look at Jane while she answered her questions. "She asked about our relationship as teens. We uh, we talked about the way Rachael would comfort me. Gloria, she just, she didn't get it, Jane. She didn't understand that I needed that."

"Needed what?"

"To be held, to feel safe."

Jane's face looked puzzled, which only validated how Melissa was feeling. There was absolutely zero wrong with being held by a sibling. "See, like I said, she didn't get it. She just kept asking me how often it happened and I could see it in her eyes, she was judging Rachael and I don't have time for that. Fuck that."

"How often did she hold you, Missy?" Jane's voice was soft and concerned.

It sent a jolt of fear down Melissa's spine, because there was zero reason for Jane to be concerned. "Why does that matter?"

"I don't know," Jane sounded guarded, "I'm just trying to understand why you're feeling the way you do, sweetheart."

Melissa rubbed both hands through her hair several times, eventually just rubbing the back of her neck to release tension that was building. A sigh of resignation escaped her lips, because whether she wanted it or not, this conversation was happening. "It started when I was thirteen. She held me pretty much every night."

"Did you ask her to?"

Melissa's lip trembled a little as flashes from the past pushed their way out of the deep recesses of her mind. Small snippets of moments in time that left her feeling uncomfortable and struggling against it; against her. The hands that wrapped around her body. The lips that pressed against her neck, lingering, peppering, repeatedly. The way her breath smelled minty fresh and her voice whispered declarations of love and beauty and want and desire.

Melissa swallowed it all back down and tried to deaden her insides as she looked Jane square in the eyes and as casually as she could said, "Sometimes I did. Sometimes I didn't."

Melissa watched Jane's jaw tighten and she could see in her eyes a burning hatred of the likes she had never seen before. She looked downright ready to murder someone with her bare hands. "How long?"

"It wasn't like that, Jane." Melissa may as well have been begging rather than making a direct statement, because her voice dripped with desperation. She didn't realise that just like that morning with Gloria, she was the one drawing the conclusions. She was the one feeling ashamed. She was the one that remembered exactly what Rachael did when she first crept into her bed. A shudder rolled down her spine.

"How long?" Jane repeated.

"Until I was with Gabby." Melissa averted her eyes towards the floor, she couldn't bear to look anywhere near Jane's face, which was stone cold hard.

"Why did it stop?"

Melissa's hands curled into fists and she lifted her gaze, forced to face the truth. It was too intimate. It was always too intimate. Rachael's lips were on parts of her body they should never have been, but she didn't want to acknowledge it outloud, because that would make it real. That would bring it into the light. It needed to be kept in the dark, buried, just like Rachael.

Melissa shook her head repeatedly, "No!"

Tears pooled in Jane's eyes, her jaw clenched so tight that Melissa thought she might actually break her teeth. "It was too intimate, wasn't it?"

Something broke inside her. She looked wide eyed at Jane and then the anger set in. Wave after wave of unbridled rage rolled through her body as Jane stepped closer, looking to wrap her up and comfort her. Melissa shoved Jane away forcefully, "No!"

Jane stepped back absorbing the blow and then stepped forward again. Melissa shoved her again and once again she rode out the blow. But still she came back for more and Melissa couldn't stand it. How could this woman love her? After what she had let happen. An ocean of tears started pouring down her face as once again Jane stepped forward, drawing Melissa into her arms. Melissa fought the hold with all of her might, pounding fiercely against Jane's chest until there was nothing left. Her legs buckled beneath her and Jane carried her to the ground, holding her and rocking her in strong, caring arms.

"It's not your fault." Jane cooed softly.

"It wasn't always… she didn't always. It really was mostly just comfort," Melissa sobbed, desperate to justify allowing it to go on. Desperate to understand how she had repressed so much of this. Desperate to understand how she had felt an irresistible pull to a woman who took advantage of her when she was only thirteen.

"No honey, she conditioned you to think that." Jane's grip on her tightened and Melissa found enough composure to shift in Jane's arms and bury her face against the crook of her neck. She wrapped her arms tightly around Jane's back and held on for dear life as the sobs kept rolling through her body.

There was no putting this back in the box, it had escaped now. They could debate until the cows came home whether or not Rachael knew what she was doing was wrong, being that she was only fifteen herself, but it didn't change the very real impact it had on her life. An impact that Melissa suspected would reverberate well into the future. An impact that had her reconsidering everything she thought she knew about herself, about Rachael and perhaps most importantly, the relationship that had in many ways, destroyed her life.

Melissa reluctantly pulled back so that she could meet Jane's eyes, which initially looked murderous, but softened the moment she looked into them. She brought one hand up to Jane's cheek and stroked it with her thumb, "My whole life is predicated on a lie."

Jane nodded, fresh tears pooling in her eyes too. "I know."

"I need to figure out what's real and what isn't."

"I know."

"I need to go back in."

Jane nodded again, sadness in her eyes. "I know."

Melissa closed her eyes for a moment, riding yet another surge of grief for the life she thought she knew. When she opened them she said, "It was a mistake to think I had to do this alone. You are my true north, Jane. You are the one real thing in my life that I trust completely."

Jane nodded yet again, but this time she looked relieved. "Whatever you need."

Melissa brought their foreheads together and said, "You. I just need you."

"I'm yours."

A/N: So that was a heavy chapter, with ups and downs and I'm sure half of you are looking at me like you want to strangle me for teasing you, but this story is far from done and there's a lot to go and in good time you will understand the method to my madness, or you won't? I hope you do. I thank you all for reading.

Also for anyone new to reading, this story is active, I only happen to update every 2 to 3 weeks because chapters are usually decent in size and I am working very hard to bring a good, soapy, angsty, dramatic story while also maintaining life balance. Thank you for reading and I do hope you stay! Thanks to all the regulars too, you are the reason I am so heavily invested in telling this story my way, and delivering a satisfying, yet very soapish ending to this universe for you!

Lay it all on me, you know I love to hear your thoughts - plus its my birthday in a few days so I will love any good vibes! Jane certainly seems to be struggling with some stuff and now she has these secrets that couldn't have come at a worse time for her relationship (I know, I know, you are all cheering for trouble in that paradise ha ha).