Chapter Forty Five
"Melissa?"
Gloria's tone is reminiscent of an unimpressed teacher. In fact it reminds Melissa of one of the many instances in high school where the teachers were none too pleased with her. She turns to look at her psychiatrist and a small part of her brain tells her she ought to smile, or at least try to anyway. She doesn't. She doesn't feel like smiling. She doesn't feel like talking about the past. She doesn't feel like doing any of this and from the look on Gloria's face it's quite apparent the vibes she's giving off are being read loud and clear.
"What's going on?"
The question is precisely the same as the one lingering in her own brain as her hand tightens around the phone in her pocket. It has remained eerily silent all morning. It has her feeling completely off centre.
Gloria's leaning forward with an elbow on her knee and it's quite apparent she is waiting for an answer. Melissa sighs, not really sure why she's clamping up now. She offers a shrug and looks back towards the window. Outside the sun is shining and outside, somewhere, is Jane.
"We don't have to talk about Rachael today, if you're finding it overwhelming?"
Melissa sighs and turns her head back towards Gloria. It's obvious that she's trying to provoke a reaction in an attempt to gain insight. Her reaction is unexpectedly visceral and blunt. "Fuck her."
Gloria's eyes widen in shock and maybe it's because for the most part she's simply been trying to understand what happened in the past. She's just been trying to figure it out and she's probably been a little protective of Rachael. Protective of the person she thought she knew. Even as she internally debates the validity of every little thing that happened between them.
Melissa crosses her arms over her chest and once again turns her head towards the window. She fiercely states, "I'm done giving her power!"
"Mmm. I'm glad to hear that." Gloria sounds genuine, but the pause is a pregnant one. "So if not Rachael, what's got you so twisted up in knots?"
Melissa is starting to feel like a sideshow alley attraction with the way her head keeps swinging from side to side. The look she offers Gloria is incredulity of the highest order. She pays this woman megabucks, if she can't figure this one out then perhaps that ought to be revisited.
"Ahh. So this is about Jane then?"
"She messaged me early this morning. When I called back she sent me straight to voicemail."
"Perhaps she was busy with an investigation?"
Of course she's thought of that. Of course it could simply be work. Especially since exploring setting up new boundaries is something Gloria has wanted them to work on. Boundaries are necessary and they simply haven't existed and it has become the new side project when they're not talking about the lingering effects of her teen trauma. The problem is Jane wouldn't just do this out of nowhere. She would warn her first. "She's less ready for boundaries than I am. This is not like her."
"Is this your logic speaking, or your anxiety?"
It's a good question. Perhaps if Gloria understood there was a psychopathic serial killer out there with an apparent desire to mess with everyone near and dear to her, she'd realise that it's logical for her to be anxious right now. If only. She isn't likely to talk about that for a very long time. She isn't even sure if she should right now even if she wanted to. "It's both."
"Do you feel your current level of worry is reasonable under the given circumstances?"
Gloria's question actually causes Melissa to crack a small smile, not that she feels particularly happy. There's just a certain amount of humour she finds in the situation. The situation as Gloria understands it, her worry is probably unwarranted. The situation that is her reality, she's actually doing really well to only feel disconnected by it. The more she mulls over the question the prouder she starts to feel and her shoulders straighten out at the realisation that dawns on her.
"Well," Melissa begins thoughtfully, "In all honesty yes, because while my interest in therapy today is low, much like my mood, I haven't felt an urge to drink. Or anything else for that matter."
The first thing Gloria does is scribble on her notepad, but she appears warm when she says, "That must feel really good?"
Melissa nods in agreement, because she isn't wrong. It's a silver lining to the worry that is settled at the pit of her stomach. That today at least, the work she's doing on retraining her behaviour is working. It's proof that if she keeps working she might just yet make it out the other side with appropriate coping mechanisms in place. Coping mechanisms that open up her entire future.
Melissa's smile broadens and despite her concerns for Jane she feels more alive than she's ever felt. "It feels fantastic."
"I bet it does. I do want to remind you that this is a long process and while you may be doing well today, you may still have setbacks."
It's precisely the counterbalance to her excitement she needs. There's one thing that can be said about Gloria, she's very good at reading her clients. At least it feels that way to Melissa, because she's been very good at understanding her strengths and weaknesses. In some ways it isn't the trauma she's endured in her life that has seen her spiral into her worst decisions, it's the dashed hopes. Fighting tooth and nail for an ounce of happiness only to watch it implode has sent her down many a bad path and that's the future she wants to avoid. There are ups and downs in life and she has got to handle the downs better.
A soft knock on the door interrupts her before she can begin to start exploring her thoughts on the subject. She watches as Gloria leaves her seat to see what the deal is and finds her own body moving without permission as she too stands in anticipation. When Gloria is done speaking in hushed tones and steps aside, a uniformed officer appears hat in hand and Melissa's stomach drops to the floor. A wave of absolute dread washes over her body, forcing her to brace against the back of the chair to hold herself up.
His eyes are soft and he looks concerned and it is just before he starts to speak that she recognises him. "Jacob?" Her tone is speculative, nervous, worried.
He moves his hands in a manner reminiscent of a man trying to calm a startled horse. His words are gentle yet firm as he explains, "She's hurt, but she's alive."
"What happened?" Information gathering mode is something she is comfortable with and it staves off the panic long enough for his words to finally sink in. She's alive. She breathes a little easier.
"I can't really go into details on that right now, Missy." He explains, his eyes shifting towards the psychiatrist and back again. "She's at the hospital, she's conscious and talking. She wanted me to let you know what was happening so that you wouldn't worry."
Melissa takes a step closer to Jacob and says, "I don't care how it happened. I just want to know her injuries."
His eyes flitter between her and Gloria and then he shrugs as if relenting to her will. "She lost consciousness at the scene, and might have a concussion. She'll be in the hospital overnight for observation."
"LGH?"
He nods.
Melissa turns her attention to Gloria and before she can even say a word Gloria nods. "I've seen enough today to believe you are ready to go back into the world if that's what you want."
It is and it isn't. She likes the progress they're making with her focus being locked in. Going back into the world will split it a bit, even if they keep up with near daily appointments. She does, however, desperately want to see Jane. She needs to see with her own two eyes that her girlfriend is safe and in one piece. "Can we keep up with the appointments at your office instead?"
Gloria nods. "We can do whatever you deem is necessary."
It's a relief. Relief that money buys her. More often than not she's uncomfortable with her wealth, but on a day like today, well, she's thankful for it and the opportunities having plenty of it provides. "Then yes, I'd like the paperwork to be processed so that I can get out of this place."
"I heard you played hero this morning." Gabby comments observationally, her hands jammed firmly in her pockets as she stands in the doorway. She doesn't really know how to feel. There's residual anger that's been brewing for ten years and there's also the very real relief that this person she wants to hate prevented a tragedy that would have brought absolute devastation to the two people in this world she cares most about. It's really hard to hate a person she loved so deeply before she was ripped away in the most heartbreaking of circumstances after this morning's heroics.
Gabby watches Rachael grimace a little as she gingerly slides off the bed and sits down in the chair beside it to put her shoes back on. The silence feels like it is going to carry on forever, but then she supposes this is not how either of them probably imagined coming face to face for the first time since the betrayal. If Rachael knows her, which Gabby thinks she does, there has undoubtedly been consideration into her fist and how it may connect.
Once Rachael is done with her shoes she straightens up and the intensity in her eyes is something else. Gabby ducks her head to break her gaze, it's hard to meet it head on with all of the conflicting emotion tearing her thoughts asunder.
"I was just doing my job."
There's an unexpected softness to Rachael's voice that snaps Gabby's head straight back up. She searches her eyes and feels unsettled. There's a lot of emotion staring back at her and Gabby chews the inside of her lip in an attempt to stay grounded. "That's not how I heard it."
Rachael stands and steps closer. There's still a good metre between them, but Gabby takes half a step back. She doesn't know why. She thinks it's because she doesn't really know what to make of this moment, because she imagined that if this day ever came she would beat the ever living snot out of this woman.
Rachael chuckles. It's light and brief and there's clear mirth shining in her eyes when she proves once and for all that she does know her very well. "I honestly thought you'd have snotted me by now."
Gabby kicks at the floor like a despondent child, her own head dropping a little as she mumbles, "Yeah well you saved my life, didn't ya? Kinda makes it hard to justify it."
"And yet it is only now that you choose to make an appearance."
Gabby could swear that Rachael sounds a little hurt by that and it's surprising. Her thoughts return to the night she nearly lost her life. Brief flashes of the smallest moments pass by her mind's eye and despite the comfort she felt at death's door being in the arms of this woman, her anger and spite rears up long enough for her to counter, "I'm surprised you care at all."
"Oh there's the Gabs I know." Rachael sounds almost happy about the bite in her bark, which Gabby simply finds exhausting. It's been practically a decade. They are two completely different people than when they last knew one another.
"You don't know me."
"Is that what you think?" Rachael asks, sounding surprised. "Because I sure knew you well enough to know you were going to go looking for trouble."
Gabby's teeth grind together, she feels attacked and yet she sees nothing but worry in her former best friend's eyes. Like this woman knows she's still far from out of the woods and that she's walking a fine line between sanity and falling into a dark pit of self destruction. One misstep and her life will look incredibly different. It will be bleak and the fact Rachael can see this, even now, bothers her.
"Gabs?" Rachael's voice is soft, almost tentative as she takes a step closer. "I've always known you. I'll always know you. You're not alone."
She takes another half step back, retreating into the hall at this point. She still doesn't know how to process all of this. She's staring at the same brown eyes that used to look at her with such seriousness or mirth depending on the situation and it's planting her neck deep in wave after wave of intense feeling. Rachael's face might be a little more weather beaten and her hair a little shorter, but it takes her right back to the last time she saw her 'alive' and she is not prepared for what that dredges up from deep within.
Gabby attempts to fight the rising tide of her grief by getting angry, but it just spills out of her mouth an inarticulate mess of an utterance. "You… Missy…"
Rachael's head drops and she nods slowly. Her voice is quiet, barely audible when she acknowledges, "I know. Gabs…"
"And then you left me…"
"I know." Rachael takes another step forward. "I'm sorry."
Sorry? You're sorry?
The little thread within that Gabby is clinging to in the hopes of safely navigating this encounter, one which she fully regrets initiating at this point, falls from her grasp. Her nostrils flare and she winds up and throws the hardest punch she has ever thrown in her life. All she connects with is air until the momentum of her follow through has her drawn into firm arms. She attempts to pull away as Rachael only tightens her grip and drags her back into the room. She fights with everything she has as her anger boils over into a red hot rage. She pushes and shoves and pounds on Rachael's chest with her arms, desperate to escape what feels like a death grip.
And then the floodgates open.
Tears stream down Gabby's face as her knees go weak, her legs feel like jelly and her closed fists open and clutch tightly to the lapel of the very real ghost that has tormented her dreams for a decade. "I hate you," she sobs as her knees give way.
"You're alright," Rachael says gently, completely ignoring the sentiment thrown her way as she gently eases them both down to their knees. "I've got you."
"You left me to pick up the pieces." Gabby manages to hiccup her way through saying, all the while clinging desperately to her tormentor. It's an insane juxtaposition, to so desperately need the comfort of a long 'dead' best friend who's last act on this earth was betrayal. So much betrayal. "I fucking hate you."
She doesn't. She can't. It's a startling realisation, that only amplifies the massive emotional upheaval taking place. Her sense of vulnerability is off the charts and there's no more anger left. It dissipates into the air. Her sobs only intensify as years and years of grief, pushed down and ignored because her focus was on everyone else around her, erupts like Mount Vesuvius.
Gabby hears a very distinct click-clacking of heels coming down the hall and she knows, oh she knows she ought to climb to her feet and walk straight out the door and go to her. Maura will protect her from this unrelenting wall of grief, at the very least she'll help stave it off. She knows that's where she ought to be, but she just can't find the energy to stand. She can't even find the energy to speak. All she has is an unrelenting tide of heartfelt sobs and the words Rachael utters next to her ear. Desperate, repeated apologies that she doesn't know how to compute that only make her cling all the more tightly in response.
She feels Rachael's compassion as a hand runs repeatedly and soothingly up and down her back. Rachael's lips press into the hair above her ear and while it is absolutely the woman she remembers, it feels strangely intimate and unsettling. All thoughts analysing this disappear into the depths of her brain at the sound of Rachael's voice. "You've carried the burdens I laid at your feet alone for far too long. You're not alone anymore."
Gabby isn't sure what happens first. The hand gripping her shoulder tightly or the sound of Maura's voice stating, "You're right. She isn't."
There's something very possessive about the inflection in Maura's voice and it sets alarm bells off in Gabby's head. She immediately pulls away from Rachael and takes the hand offered by her girlfriend to help herself up. She recognises Maura's agitation in the intensity of the glare on her face and rushes to make introductions. "Rachael, this is Maura…"
"Her girlfriend."
Gabby's head snaps sideways at the level of acidity in Maura's interruption. Apparently all it takes to snap her out of descent into grief is a jealous girlfriend. "Maura, it's not…"
"She thought I was dead. Give her a break." Rachael offers affably, clearly reading the vibes radiating off of Maura.
"You should have stayed that way." Maura says curtly before looking squarely at Gabby, who swallows nervously. "Come, Gabrielle."
Maura has never ever acted like this around anybody, ever, at least as far as she knows. The level of vitriol that Gabby feels radiating from her towards Rachael is staggering. She's never even come close to feeling this way about Melissa, or if she has, she most certainly hasn't expressed it out loud. She's beautiful, intelligent, wealthy and the kindest person on the planet. She is the catch. She's the one others become jealous of. This jealousy makes zero sense.
"What the actual fuck was that?" Gabby asks, even as she follows Maura who didn't wait longer than a second to leave the room.
Maura doesn't respond at first, she just looks around until she opens a door and grabs Gabby by the hand, pulling her inside a stairwell. Their eyes meet and Gabby feels her tension melt away as Maura's eyes soften exponentially.
She feels a need to explain. "It really wasn't…"
"I know." Maura says quietly. "I apologise for being so rude."
Gabby scratches at the back of her head, still very confused. "You told her she should have stayed dead, Maura."
"I know. I apologise." Maura sets a plastic bag she has been carrying down beside them.
Gabby sighs and closes her eyes, immediately comforted by Maura's touch as delicate hands cup both cheeks and both thumbs start to wipe her tears away. "It was just a lot, you know?"
"I know."
"Today would be very different if it wasn't for her quick thinking."
"I know." Maura acknowledges quietly.
"I was just so grateful that you didn't have to live through the alternative. I wanted to thank her for that and I just…"
"Got caught up in the grief that you've bottled up for a decade?"
Maura's voice is soft and gentle and yet it still feels like a punch to the gut being called out like that. Although Gabby doubts Maura realises how called out she feels, as she was probably just trying to show her understanding and knowledge of who she is as a person. It's not Maura's fault she so happens to be someone who likes to shove all the really tough emotions down, refusing to deal with them until there's no other option. "Yeah. So you're not mad?"
"I'm not mad."
Gabby takes both of Maura's hands in her own and pulls them down between their bodies. "So why did you react like that?"
"It was quite jarring to see you wrapped so desperately around another woman, sobbing profusely. It hurts, if I am to be completely honest."
She's at a loss for words. It isn't like she intended for that to happen or even wanted it to. To so brazenly show Rachael how much she was missed, after everything that's come between them? No. She didn't want that at all. She broke down as the enormity of the last ten years crushed her self control into smithereens. "It could have been Buddy Franklin standing there and the same thing would have occurred."
Maura pecks her on the lips and shakes her head in what looks like mild amusement as she bends down to retrieve the bag she set down earlier. "And that, my dear, is why I'm not mad."
Gabby marvels at this woman she gets to call her own for a moment before offering a smile and a genuine apology. "I'm sorry my actions hurt you."
Maura's smile is weak and brief and she steps past Gabby to open the door and return to the main thoroughfare of the hospital. Gabby follows right behind, a little surprised when Maura says, "And honestly Gabrielle, what did Buddy Franklin ever do to you? Players change teams all the time!"
Gabby groans a little, realising that Maura paid much more attention to her griping at the end of the 2013 AFL season than she thought. "Well Maura, he is the megastar of the entire competition and we'd just won the flag and he goes to the direct competition? Come on, gimme a break!"
"And that warrants more ire than, say, Adolf Hitler?"
Maura's smirk is enough to allow Gabby to breathe easy. "Well yeah, he never played football for the Hawthorn footy club now did he?"
"I will never understand your obsession with men running around in tight shorts kicking a ball around an oval for cardio."
Gabby smirks as they start walking down the hall. "You act like I haven't witnessed your appreciation of those blokes running around in tight shorts."
"That's irrelevant." Maura counters.
Gabby shakes her head and chuckles. She then motions towards the bag Maura's carrying. "What did you get her anyway?"
Maura hands the bag over. "Just a few odds and ends."
Gabby peers into the bag and pulls out a small teddy bear. It's a brown bear with a blue shirt that has 'It's a boy' emblazoned across the middle. Gabby chuckles just imagining the look on Jane's face when she sees it. "Oh she's going to love this."
"It was all they had." Maura defends airily.
Gabby shakes her head and looks back in the bag. The rest of the items are toiletries. Toothbrush, toothpaste and a disposable razor. "No, just no." Gabby says "She's in for one night." She hands the stuffed animal to Maura and then wraps the bag around the contents on the inside, reducing the room it takes up and shoves it in her jacket pocket. "Stick with the bear."
Jane watches the nurse depart and immediately lets out a sigh of relief. She hates hospitals and her instinct is to get up and sign the against medical advice papers and get back to work, but she curtails her instincts because she doesn't want to cause Melissa any unnecessary worry. Also her head hurts. A lot. The lights are dim, because she's sensitive to them at the moment and every time she tries to think back on what happened leading to this moment in time she struggles.
She remembers the lead up and everything feeling hunky dory and then she remembers taking a shot to her ribs. Though apparently she wasn't actually shot, it was Rachael barrelling into her like a freight train to drag her down out of the line of fire. At least so Alec told her before she told him to get back to work on figuring out what happened. Because the other thing she remembers is the blood pooling beneath Bertie's head. A long distance shot snuffed out his life and any chance at the answers she sought.
After that she doesn't remember much. Just urgent tones and the sunlight hurting her eyes. She didn't feel too steady on her feet either, and Rachael looked absolutely terrified. That in itself causes Jane to wonder how bad her head injury looked for Rachael of all people to be that freaked out. If she had more brainpower to give to it she would think about how it makes her feel to have had her life saved by a woman she despises. But she doesn't have the energy or concentration for that, so those thoughts disappear as soon as they begin to form.
She closes her eyes, thankful that scans showed no signs of bleeding on the brain. The doctor assured her that her stay is purely for observation and that he doesn't expect there to be any further complications. And yet the nurse comes in often enough that resting is actually hard to do. Now is the time she can squeeze in much needed rest and so she does the best she can to shut her thoughts down. A little shut eye is all she's asking for.
Her wish isn't granted. She hears the heels first, then smells the familiar perfume. She turns her head towards the door and opens her eyes, offering a weak, slightly sheepish smile. "Hey you."
"Hey yourself." Maura responds lightly.
Jane's instinct is to immediately assess Maura's wellbeing, especially after a near miss. She has a warm enough smile, but the tension and anxiety can be seen across her forehead and in her eyes. Wanting to diffuse the situation as quickly as possible in an effort to avoid a lecture, Jane hones in on the object in Maura's hand. "A teddy bear Maur? Really?"
She watches as Maura quirks an eyebrow in challenge, "Well if you don't want…"
"Of course I want it," Jane says, dragging herself up so that she's sitting against the bedhead. She reaches out and makes an enthusiastic come hither motion, leaning into her penchant for physical exaggeration.
"I thought as much." Maura says with a weak smile as she hands the bear over and takes a seat in the chair next to the bed. She then explains, "Gabby's here too, but the nurses said only one visitor at a time and to keep you calm."
Jane nods her acknowledgement as her eyes are drawn to the bear. It's quite soft, but the 'It's a boy' certainly hits a little different after last night's conversations with her mother and Melissa. She looks back at Maura and lifts an eyebrow in question, "Um, Maur?"
"It was the best of the very limited choices available in the gift shop."
Jane chuckles and sets the bear down on the side table. "It's cute, thank you."
Maura remains quiet, contemplative perhaps. Her eyes are intense and she isn't smiling. There's no positive energy coming from her. In fact Maura looks mentally worn out and like she's biting her tongue.
Jane briefly debates allowing them to sit in silence, thus avoiding a heavy conversation, but realises that does nobody any good. Plus talking to Maura might help her better wrap her head around the events of the day. "The doc said I should be just fine."
Jane watches on in a combination of amusement and fascination as Maura decides to get up and grab her chart from the end of the bed. It is one way, she realises, to gauge how truthful the medicos have been with her and when she doesn't see too much frowning she feels more secure in what she's been told. "See?"
Maura puts the chart back down and looks up, ""You have a concussion. Head injuries are always serious, Jane. Rest is important."
This is one of those moments where if doing so wouldn't make her feel woozy, Jane would roll her eyes. However she refrains, because she already feels crap enough as is. "Yeah I know. I was trying to do that before you came in."
Maura manages a slight smirk and what looks like a very surprised lift in her brows as she responds, "Well there's a first time for everything."
Jane motions around them and says, "I'd much rather be out there figuring this out, but I'm not and there really isn't much else to do here but rest."
Jane watches closely as Maura returns to the seat beside the bed and allows her to take her by the hand. She isn't sure if it's the concussion, or if they're out of sync, but it's obvious that something isn't right with Maura, but for the life of her she can't figure out what it would be. She's been hurt a lot worse than this before and while Maura is very good at fussing to make sure she takes treatment seriously, she's never had such a dark cloud hanging over her head in the past. "What's wrong?"
Maura squeezes her hand and while it is somewhat comforting, the fact her eyes look so far away bothers Jane. They soon snap back into focus and Jane can almost feel Maura's thought processes speed up in the way they do when she's searching for a way to obfuscate. It's a touch surprising when she doesn't. "I wouldn't know where to begin, in all honesty. What happened this morning?"
"Which part? I assume you mean this?" Jane says, pointing at the bump on her head.
There's a strange look on Maura's face that Jane can't quite decipher and she's starting to think the concussion is messing with her faculties just a little bit. The slightest head shake follows and Maura elaborates, "When you called, you sounded so certain you had to do what you were doing, and yet you sounded resigned to something awful happening. Is this investigation really worth your life, Jane?"
Jane closes her eyes and sighs. Weeks upon weeks of stress and building pressure rest on her shoulders. The answers were within her grasp. Now they're just gone. It's exhausting, the level of expectation that not only herself, but others are placing on her to work her magic and end the threat to their lives. "I don't exactly have a choice," she answers quietly. "He's after everyone in some sort of shitty overlapping orbit that puts everyone I care about in danger. You damn well know I'd take any risk necessary if it means ensuring you're safe."
"And did you get the answers you needed, to justify this morning's risk?" Maura asks, her tone sounds mostly neutral, if not a touch curious.
Jane's thankful that she isn't hearing disappointment or sadness. She opens her eyes and looks at Maura, "No and to be honest, if it weren't for Rachael of all damn people, I wouldn't be here right now."
"Yes, apparently she's playing hero all over the place today." Maura mutters under her breath.
"Huh?"
Maura smiles weakly and waves her off, "It's nothing. I think I find myself as shocked as you, given everything."
"I still can't really piece together what happened. Alec says as soon as the first shot was fired she jumped into action. He reckons a second shot would have ripped through my skull if it weren't for her."
It's a pretty heavy admittance and she doesn't know how Maura's going to take it. It's one thing to come away with a mild concussion from an encounter, it's another thing altogether to realise that she came within half a second of ceasing to exist. Not an easy pill for anyone in her life to swallow, especially not Maura who has seen first hand the mess left behind after someone takes a high calibre bullet to the skull.
"It was incredibly brave," Maura says quietly and based on the look on her face, quite reluctantly.
"It's hard to wrap your head around, ain't it?" Jane queries before continuing on to explain, "I'm still trying to reconcile everything I know of her with this morning and it's all so contradictory."
"She may well simply take her job seriously. For which I am beyond grateful."
"Yeah." Jane begrudgingly agrees, still trying to process how close she came to death. She watches as Maura looks back toward the hall and gives her hand a squeeze to draw her attention. "I'm gonna be okay Maura."
Maura's smile doesn't reach her eyes as she nods her apparent agreement. It's obvious that she's beyond distracted.
"What's bothering you?" Jane asks, revisiting her earlier attempt to get to the core of the dark swirly thoughts so clearly bouncing around in Maura's brain.
"Everything." It's a simple one-word answer, barely whispered by a woman who's eyes struggle to maintain any contact with Jane's own.
There's so much to delve into, but it's quite apparent by the way that Maura lets go of her hand and stands up, that she's not in a sharing mood. An invasive frustration claws at her insides because she hates this. She hates that they are so close and yet, at times, especially right now, they seem so far away. Is Maura ever going to trust her again with her deepest concerns or did that ship sail the moment she chose Melissa?
The moment Maura leaves her side to go and see Jane, all the grief Gabby was dealing with prior to Maura's uncharacteristic jealousy comes flooding back. She finds her way to the family room and plops down in a seat, physically spent by the intensity of the emotions slamming into her mind. For years her anger at Rachael's betrayal of their friendship prevented her from taking the time she needed to actually acknowledge the loss she felt.
Before Rachael started putting it all together regarding her relationship with Melissa, they had been close. Like sisters. The absolute best of friends. They may have fought from time to time, but she knew at the end of the day Rachael had her back. Even with her own jealousy getting the better of her, Gabby always felt that when push came to shove, Rachael was rock solid, that no person could ever break their bond. Though now she can't help but wonder if her jealousy, which she thought was a by-product of insecurity, was just her subconscious telling her something wasn't right. Did she treat Melissa with such mistrust because she knew on some level that she had fallen in love with her best friend?
No.
It was never about Melissa's feelings. Lovers come and go, even ones that grip your heart tightly in their hands. Her building mistrust and resentment expressed as jealousy was because her best friend was turning out to be a snake in the grass, not because her girlfriend fell under the spell of said snake. It's a dawning realisation that only makes everything that's happened since then hurt even more. She feels sick to her stomach, because it's like her eyes are open now and as she delves into her past and remembers different moments in time she realises that there was always a certain look in Rachael's eyes when she looked at Melissa.
"Hey."
Gabby almost jumps out of her skin at the sensation of a hand on her shoulder and a voice nearby. She turns her head to see Melissa sitting down next to her and offers a weak smile. Her head is still swimming with thoughts of the past and seeing Melissa right now is both unexpected and quite jarring. Her mouth speaks without her permission while she still tries to figure out what it all means and how she truly feels. "Am I the villain in all of this?"
"In all of what?" Melissa asks, a clear look of confusion on her face.
Gabby's heart clenches a little as her stomach drops so far it feels like it's hanging out with the carpet. She shakes her head and turns her attention onto a flyer pinned to a notice board on the opposite wall. Anything to distract herself from the feeling wrapping itself tightly around her heart. She is the one that encroached on Rachael's territory. She ignored the fucking obvious yearning in her eyes and the unspoken friend code when she asked Melissa out. She is the villain.
"Gabby, are you alright?"
The softness, and worry in Melissa's voice wraps around her like a warm blanket. Did she even stand half a chance at being anything but the villain? This woman has always had such a deep hold on her heart. She sighs heavily as she turns back to look Melissa head on, allowing her access to all of her grief, confusion and hurt. "No, I'm not."
Melissa looks a little pensive and her eyes skirt around the room, presumably assessing their surroundings. "Let's walk," she says as she stands and sticks her hand out.
Gabby accepts the hand up and falls into step beside Melissa. It's familiar and comfortable. It immediately releases some of the tension she's feeling. She doesn't say anything as they navigate the halls of the hospital. She simply keeps step like an obedient puppy. It's a feeling she would fight at any other time, but right now she needs this. She doesn't have the brain power to wrestle back control of the moment.
She hesitates when they step outside of the hospital into the fresh air and sunshine of a warm summer day. She might find herself trapped in the past, but reality slams into her like a locomotive as she shoots her hand out and grabs Melissa by the wrist. "Wait."
"What?"
"We should stay inside." She watches as Melissa's brows furrow. "It's not safe."
Melissa pulls her arm out of Gabby's grasp and searches her eyes. After a few moments she says, "This guy is so damn smart that he has you all chasing your tails. If he wanted me dead, I'd be dead Gabby and you know it."
The truth in Melissa's words is, undoubtedly the very thing that gives both herself and Jane fits about this whole situation. They're being outsmarted forensically and emotionally. They have theories. They have no real evidence or even a firm motive and just when they think they have a clue, the rug is pulled out from under them. He's so good at manipulating them that she can't argue Melissa's logic at all and that's bloody scary.
It's also why she doesn't resist when Melissa takes her by the hand and draws her further into the sunshine all the while concluding her thought. "So I'm living my life, Gabs. I'm living it because tomorrow it might be over."
There's a visceral reaction in her gut to the mere thought of Melissa's life being snuffed out that leaves her shaking her head and muttering angrily, "Don't say that, alright. Just don't fucking say that."
It's clear by the look on her face that Melissa is worried. Gabby pulls her hand away and waves her ex off, as if forgetting about it will fix it all. Nevermind the fact she is jittery, anxious and stuck focusing on the past when she needs to move forward. She stalks through the car park towards Ockerby Gardens, desperate to find a small moment of peace somewhere. Her brain is swimming in fear and her heart is overwhelmed. She should be with Maura, but stupid doctors and their stupid rules.
She stops abruptly and swings on Melissa who has been following her, "And why the Hell are you out here with me instead of in there with her?"
"Because you clearly need someone to talk to and Jacob assured me Jane will be just fine."
"This time, maybe." Gabby snaps, aware that all she is doing is instilling fear into Melissa's heart. She doesn't feel bad about it, because her ex should be afraid. She should be fucking terrified. "He tried to shoot her, Missy. She is only alive right now because Rachael saved her fucking life."
It's apparent in the widening of Melissa's eyes and the almost involuntary step backwards that her words struck a nerve. Clearly Jacob didn't go into any real detail about what happened. Probably too busy following protocol. Well fuck protocol. "You heard me. The witness got popped first and another shot was fired. If Rachael hadn't already lept into action, this would be a very different conversation."
Gabby watches as Melissa starts rubbing the back of her neck. It's something she does when she's trying to think her way through heavy thoughts, and then her head turns to look off into the horizon and Gabby knows there's a lot going on in her brain. "Guess she really can't turn off her hero complex, huh?"
"No," Melissa agrees quietly, "I guess not."
The pained look on Melissa's face is enough to remind Gabby that her ex is still in a vulnerable state, even if she does have this devil may care attitude at the moment. She tries her hardest to soften her eyes and her voice. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have."
"Shouldn't have what?" Melissa queries sullenly. "She's a part of Jane's life right now. It is what it is."
"But are you okay with it, given everything?" Gabby asks, despite wondering if she even wants to know the answer. Putting her nose into her ex's business feels like a bad idea and yet their friendship, as strained as it has been in recent times, still matters. It always will. No attempt at bringing more separation from one another can change that.
Melissa doesn't answer, instead she just starts walking down the path towards the other end of the park. Gabby quickly chases after her, a little worried about the silence she's encountering. "I know it can't be easy," she continues, "Finally feeling like you're getting your life together and then bam she's back from the dead causing doubts to creep in."
Gabby halts and steps back when Melissa swings on her with a dangerous look in her eyes. She's glad she did because Melissa has apparently taken on part of Jane's finger jabby personality as she starts jabbing the air in front of her chest to punctuate her points. "There is no doubt. Do you hear me? Jane is who matters. Rachael made her choice a decade ago. So fuck her, alright? She can just fuck right off."
Gabby expects Melissa to be pissed off, she truly does, but the unadulterated rage that is plastered on her face isn't something she anticipates. She swallows uncomfortably because this reaction doesn't feel like Melissa at all. She's usually a lot more circumspect and forgiving. Is she genuinely mad as Hell at Rachael for disappearing and letting everyone think she was dead? Gabby supposes that's possible, as the level of hurt Melissa endured in the wake of Rachael's so-called death will have left some nasty scars.
It doesn't add up though. Not after last night where it felt like while briefly touched upon, that Melissa had some level of forgiveness in her heart for Rachael. And most definitely not after today, given Melissa's level of love for Jane and the fact Rachael saved her life. Surely there'd be a little more forgiveness forthcoming?
It leaves her feeling confused and flashes of her conversations with colleagues about Jane's open loathing of Rachael pop into her head. Maura's near possessive, jealous nature all of twenty minutes ago also comes to mind. There's something so very off about this situation and the reactions of the women she knows when it comes to her ex best friend.
"What aren't you telling me?"
"There's nothing to tell." Melissa says firmly, "I just don't want you or anyone else for that matter, thinking there's any doubt about my feelings for Jane. Rachael is irrelevant to me, alright?"
Gabby nods slowly, quietly agreeing. Though she's left feeling pretty shattered by the fact that Melissa just flat out lied to her like it was the easiest thing in the world to do. She looks back over her shoulder towards the hospital. "You know what? No. I'm not buying the bullshit you're selling. If you don't want to tell me I'll just go get the truth from the horse's mouth."
Melissa is unwaveringly steady when she says, "You do that."
Gabby grits her teeth and turns around, swinging wildly at the air in a fit of irritation as she starts marching back towards the hospital. She holds onto her anger, because while she's angry and frustrated she doesn't have to stop and think about the mountain of hurt Rachael's fake death caused and is still causing her.
"Gabs!"
Gabby hesitates for a moment, but keeps walking. She's tired of being kept in the dark. Something is going on that she ought to know. There's no other explanation for the extreme behaviours and her money is on something to do with Melissa. Did Rachael already make a move? Is everyone mad that she isn't respecting boundaries? Surely that comes as no damn surprise and surely that's not something Melissa would feel the need to hide. It has to be something else and that something else, well it worries her.
"Gabby, please." Melissa's voice is soft and sad and it brings Gabby to a halt.
She doesn't turn around. She feels a certain level of empathy for Melissa, it's not a surprise to her and it wouldn't be a surprise to anybody else either, but her rising frustrations at being kept out of the loop are threatening to usurp all her desires to be a rock to this woman in a time of need.
"What?" Gabby's tone is clipped.
"I'm scared."
She sounds hesitant and it strikes a chord within Gabby. She turns slowly and looks Melissa up and down to assess her mental state. She has her arms wrapped around her body, essentially hugging herself. She radiates timidity and averts her eyes. This is the absolute opposite of the confidence she exuded earlier. Is this because the truth of the danger they're all in is finally sinking in? Is it what she said about Jane being incredibly lucky to be alive?
She watches as Melissa motions up the hill at one of the benches and follows her across the grass. She doesn't say anything straight away, instead choosing just to allow them both to marinate in the silence between them. They sit down on the bench and she looks around them and along the horizon for any possible threats before shifting her body enough so that she can meet Melissa's eyes with her own.
"Talk to me."
"I can't lose her."
Gabby barely hears the words, only putting them together from watching Melissa's mouth move. She shifts her gaze back towards ocean blue eyes and within them she sees a world of hurt. She can see fear and sadness and it takes everything in her not to just draw Melissa into her arms and promise her it's going to be okay.
It's what she wants to do. She wishes she could ensure that everything will be okay. Because as much as she has loved this woman in her lifetime, she has never been able to get through to her like Jane has. Jane's presence has Melissa caring about her own mental health and that is something she has never really been able to make happen. It hurts a little, but mostly, she is so thankful that Melissa has found her person. So much so that she wishes she could guarantee they are all going to make it out of this shitty situation in one piece, but she can't and so she just sits there with nothing to say.
"She makes life make sense."
"Yeah."
Gabby's pretty sure she looks stupefied right now, but she is overloaded with emotional stimuli. It has been a heavy few days and about all she has right now is an ability to listen. To be present. And so she does.
"She absolutely hates her."
"Who, Rachael?"
Melissa nods.
Gabby knows the best thing to do is to just keep listening and just nod an acknowledgement that she's heard, but her conversation with Jane last night is still fresh in her mind. She remembers how visceral Jane's reaction was towards Rachael and she remembers why, so she finds herself defending the American. "Can you blame her though? Rachael wants you and she's making it very fucking obvious to Jane."
"Wow." Melissa utters, "She really did open up to you last night huh?"
"Yeah she did."
"Good."
"Why does it matter if she hates her?"
"It doesn't." Melissa says quietly, turning her head to look elsewhere. Clearly in an effort to break eye contact. Gabby wonders what it is she doesn't want her to see, but she waits it out, fairly confident Melissa will elaborate when she finds the words. She doesn't have to wait long. Melissa turns back to her and says, "She isn't going to understand."
The problem dawns on her and she verbalises it. No question. No doubt. Just a simple statement of fact, like the sky is blue and the grass is green. "You want to see her."
"I need to."
Gabby's the first to look away, because she can't bring herself to keep looking into such broken eyes. She wonders if it's pathological at this point. If Melissa just can't help but self-destruct. There is absolutely zero good that comes from this. "You're right. She won't understand."
"This is why I didn't want to say anything," Melissa explains quietly. "It's why I had such a visceral reaction earlier. I need to look her in the face. I need to understand."
Gabby takes a deep breath and tries to come at this from Melissa's perspective. She undoubtedly has many questions about what happened and why it happened and why Rachael didn't come back sooner. Admittedly she too has many of the same questions but she doesn't have a romantic history with Rachael. Maura, while clearly not liking Rachael, isn't going to truly feel threatened if she wanted to pursue those answers. Jane on the other hand? Well she's already feeling threatened and as much as she understands Melissa's need for closure, Jane won't. At least not the Jane she spoke to last night.
With all of that in mind Gabby tries to answer the questions she imagines Melissa has. "She went into witness protection. She started a new life and by the time she could come home again, she was pregnant."
"She has a kid?"
"Yeah." It's obvious the news is stirring something up in Melissa, who abruptly stands and starts pacing back and forth. Gabby watches her, worrying, but doesn't say anything else in an effort to give Melissa time to form a coherent thought or two.
"So she gave it all up to be normal huh?" Melissa spits angrily.
Gabby can't blame her for feeling the way she does, she too saw the same thing in the circumstances as described by Alec at the time. Rachael chose a life more acceptable to her church. An absolutely heartless choice that is clearly doing a number on Melissa at this moment in time.
"She gave me up," Melissa utters disbelievingly, "And has the nerve to taunt Jane? Fuck her. No seriously, fuck her!"
This isn't a black and white situation. It can't be, not with their shared histories. There's no doubting that on one level Melissa absolutely believes what she is saying, but there's also no doubting that understanding the choice that was made is utterly heartbreaking for her.
Gabby stands up and she barely even has time to open her arms before Melissa barrels into her chest, wrapping herself tightly around her. Gabby holds her close and rubs her hand up and down Melissa's back soothingly, quietly encouraging her to let it all out.
"I hate her."
Gabby highly doubts it. Perhaps at this moment, yes, but not really. Not forever. It's Rachael. It's impossible to keep hating her. Christ knows she's spent ten years trying to do so to no avail. However this thread is not one she is willing to pull on. She rather hopes that this thread is ignored for the rest of time, because Jane makes Melissa better. Jane makes her happy.
"It's gonna be alright." She says, pulling back from the hug and gripping Melissa by both shoulders. She looks directly into her eyes and says, "Now go and see Jane. I know she'll be happy to see you."
Melissa hurriedly wipes some tears from her face and ducks her head in agreement. "Yeah, I'm gonna do that." She motions over her shoulder, "You coming?"
"Nah. I think I just need to sit for a while." She has some thinking of her own to do. An encounter of her own to analyse. "If you see Maura, tell her I'm out here."
Melissa nods and says, "I will."
Gabby watches her walk back towards the hospital until she disappears behind some bushes and then leans back against the bench, folding her arms back behind her head. She closes her eyes and breathes in deeply. She exhales slowly and basks in the warmth of the sun's rays. She focuses on her breathing in an attempt to slow the thoughts in her brain down. It's a tactic Maura taught her to control her anxiety years ago, it is proving very useful right now.
It occurs to her that she's out in the open; a sitting duck. It's not very wise at all and she can't decide if it's because there's still a big part of her that's tired of this life and its struggles, or if she's simply accepted Melissa's point of view. This entire situation is so far out of her control that she really only has two choices. Live her life or cower in fear. She doesn't feel like she can fully embrace the former, but she's not interested in the latter either. She wants it to be over and perhaps therein lies the real problem; she doesn't really care how it ends.
Immediately her mind shifts to Maura and her heart clenches from the guilt for even thinking like this. Her girlfriend is a beautiful soul and the one reason she has right now to fight the rising tide of depression she feels settling in bone deep. Her reason to care about her surroundings. Her reason to be alert to danger. Her reason to want to live. Because if they can just get through this Hell, it will get better. She will get better. She has to, right? Her heart cannot possibly ache like this forever, right? She cannot possibly descend into the depths of darkness with a beacon of light by her side, can she?
It starts to feel like one of those moments where she ought to reach out to Jane. She ought to keep her word from last night. She needs to protect Maura from where these spiralling thoughts might take her, but she can't go and see Jane right now. Melissa is with her. Melissa needs her.
Gabby pulls her arms back by her side. She makes fists with both hands and squeezes tightly, trying to express some of her pent up frustration safely. It is not a good day. She decides to call Maura, but when she checks her pockets she realises she doesn't have her phone and a memory flashes through her brain. She left it on the coffee table in the living room.
"Fuck." She growls, her frustration only mounting.
She lets out a heavy sigh. Melissa will tell Maura where she is and her girlfriend will come looking for her. It's best she waits right here.
She knows she should keep her head on a swivel. She should choose to be alert, but she doesn't. She closes her eyes and she basks in the sun. She sifts through her memories and tries to remember a happier time. She tries to pinpoint a moment she can focus on that might just push the encroaching darkness aside for a while, but she comes up empty.
Instead her mind decides to hone in on the moment she learned that her girlfriend was in love with her best friend. She remembers the rage uncoiling in the pit of her stomach as she watched the video of her two people crushing her heart with an obviously meaningful kiss. She flinches a little as she remembers the impact of the car crunching into Rachael's body following her desperate lunge to save Melissa. She's reminded that even with the bad, there's a certain level of heroic good in her former best friend. Something everyone has been reminded of by today's heroics.
Gabby notices movement in her periphery and feels the swoosh of air as somebody sits down next to her. She lowers her head and turns it slightly towards her company, bringing her hand up to block the sun from hitting her eyes. "My girlfriend doesn't like you."
Rachael grins. It's a damn near perfect smile. "She doesn't know me."
The words fall so easily from her mouth. As if time will change Maura's view of this woman. It should, shouldn't it? If she allows her own view to return to where it was before the betrayal. If she allows herself to forgive, surely Maura will too? She remembers the possessive nature of Maura's grasp on her shoulder and the way she suggested Rachael ought to have stayed dead and she finds herself wondering what it is about Rachael that caused such an out of character response.
It occurs to Gabby as they sit there in silence, that she doesn't feel like punching Rachael's face into mush anymore. Her anger remains non existent, but the hurt from being left behind to carry the load lingers. The hurt from missing her friend, even as she loathed her all these years, lingers. Her heart is heavy and she needs someone right now. She needs someone to shield Maura from the worst of her nature. She needs an old friend.
"It all went to shit without you." She admits quietly, dropping her hand and straightening up, allowing her gaze to drift down the hill and along the grass until it reaches Howick Street. She watches commuters travelling from here to there and uses them to keep her brain occupied just enough so as to not let her emotions get the better of her.
"I'm home now."
Gabby wonders for how long, but she doesn't say anything. She just sits, watching the traffic in the distance. She knows she needs this, or something like this, but trust is a whole different issue. Perhaps she's foolish for thinking this is a viable option. She should wait until Melissa's done with Jane and then go talk to her. It's probably the best option.
Gabby feels Rachael's hand on her shoulder and her mind immediately flashes back to multiple instances at high school and the police academy where she'd be in a heated conversation and Rachael would appear out of nowhere with a calming hand. A hand that said to all those around her 'if you mess with this one, you mess with me'. Most of the time it simmered everything right down. Sometimes, it didn't. Sometimes they'd both end up going home with tissues stuffed up their noses while wearing stupid shit-eating grins on their faces. Nothing quite like raising Hell together to forge an unbreakable bond.
Gabby turns her head slightly and admits, "I've missed you."
She feels fingers dig into her shoulder, the result of a gentle squeeze. She doesn't need to hear the words, she knows Rachael missed her too. It's a small moment that doesn't necessarily mean much in the grand scheme of things, but it represents a slight glimmer of hope that maybe one day things might be different.
A throat clears and Gabby lifts her hand to block the sun out again and turns towards the sound. Maura is standing there with one hand in the other. Gabby wonders how long she's been standing there. She feels the absence of Rachael's hand as she withdraws her comfort. Certainly a wise woman.
Gabby rises to her feet and walks a couple of metres to where Maura is standing. She hooks her hand through her arm. She turns her head to make eye contact with Maura as they start walking back towards the carpark of the hospital and is relieved to see a lot more understanding than she saw earlier in the day.
She doesn't think about looking back.
She offers a grateful smile and bumps Maura's shoulder playfully. She isn't quite feeling like herself, but she's committed to ensuring Maura gets the best of her. "So tell me all about the face she pulled when she saw that bear."
Maura unhooks and then slides her arm around Gabby's waist and leans her head against Gabby's shoulder as they walk. "It started as blustering incredulity and ended as doting adoration."
Gabby smirks as she lifts her arm up around Maura's shoulders, squeezing the far one in a comforting manner. "Soft."
"I'll tell her you said that," Maura teases playfully.
Gabby chuckles. She feels a little light peeking through the clouds and she knows that while there's a long road ahead, she couldn't have anyone better by her side. Her past might have worn her down, but without it she wouldn't be the woman she is today. A woman who by the grace of God, has found someone who takes her as she is and loves her for it. For this moment at least, she's glad she's alive. It's a start.
Jane's eyes are closed when Melissa enters the room. She is mindful to be quiet and sits down in the seat next to the bed without waking her girlfriend. She gently covers Jane's hand with her own, revelling in the warmth and the fact her girlfriend is still breathing.
From the moment Gabby told her, it has been playing in her head on repeat that Rachael saved Jane's life and that Jane was a mere moment in time from becoming nothing more than a memory. She's already tried living life with Jane as nothing more than a memory and it was unbearable. It most certainly wasn't conducive to smart life decisions. She hopes to God it is not on the cards for her future.
She leans down and presses her lips against a scarred hand and lifts her eyes when she feels Jane stir. She wants to feel bad for waking her, but she can't. Just looking into those big brown eyes as they widen in surprise makes it completely worth it. "Hey you," she offers, wondering if her worry shows through her attempt to smile.
Jane shuffles around and entwines their fingers as she sits up. There's a combination of emotions that appear to flicker across her face, from relief and happiness to anxiety. No doubt she is wondering what on earth is going on.
Melissa knows she'd be worried and wondering the same thing if positions were reversed, so she explains it as plainly as possible. "I've been cleared to come home and given the circumstances there's no other place I'd rather be."
Jane nods, then winces, which only fuels Melissa's worry. She watches as Jane closes her eyes and breathes through what she can only guess is a dizzy spell or an unexpected head pain. Jane eventually opens her eyes again, just a little bit at a time, as if she's testing to see if it's safe to do so. Clearly satisfied, they lock eyes as Jane says, "I've got to stay overnight."
Melissa kisses the back of Jane's hand again and says, "I figured as much, but please don't worry yourself. I've spoken with Jacob already and he's going to drop me at Monica's when I leave here. I won't be in that house alone."
Jane squeezes her hand and simply says, "Good."
Melissa doesn't know if it's just the head knock that's making Jane appear a little broody, or if current circumstances have reached such a point her worry has grown exponentially. She just knows she doesn't want Jane's head buried in the muck too long. She turns her focus to the teddy bear she noticed when she first walked in and quirks an eyebrow in Jane's direction as she cheekily asks, "Is there something you forgot to tell me?"
It takes a moment but Jane's gaze shifts to the bedside table and back again. She offers up a weak shrug and says, "Why do you think I was asking you how you felt about having kids last night?"
Her delivery is so serious that Melissa has to laugh. She can't tell if Jane missed the mark with her inflection or if she really thought deadpan was the way to go here. She decides to play along. "So, it's a boy then?"
Jane's smile dazzles as she cautiously tilts her forehead forward in a very tentative nod. "Mmmhm."
It is merely a small moment of humour that provides respite from the absolute deluge of crap that has been raining down on them both recently, but it is meaningful. It is a reminder of the importance of her fight with her mental health, because their life should be made up of many moments like this and not so many of the ones they've already endured. It should be humour and joy and fun and it should feel right. Goodness does it ever feel so right.
Unfortunately with the good comes the bad and as much as Melissa revels in the feeling of rightness that settles in her gut as she sits there watching Jane's goofy smile, she is reminded of reality. Her eyes move upwards towards the golf ball sized bump on her girlfriend's head and she makes it known she's aware of the significance behind it. "I nearly lost you today."
Jane tugs on her hand and scoots over on the bed. Melissa knows she'll be shooed the moment a nurse comes in, but she takes the opportunity while she has it. She climbs up onto the bed once Jane is settled and lays down on top of the covers, facing her girlfriend. She reaches out and gently traces the spot where Jane's head clearly hit the ground with significant force, withdrawing at Jane's wince. "I'm sorry," she mumbles quietly.
"Don't be sorry," Jane says, her hand reaching out and finding Melissa's offending hand to pull it up to her lips "Don't ever apologise for caring about my wellbeing."
Melissa closes her eyes and soaks in the sensation of Jane's lips against her hand. Sometimes she forgets that this bold, brash American is capable of such tenderness and reverence. "I don't know if I could go on without you."
It's a little melodramatic, she realises, but it's a reflection of the sadness knotted up in her stomach. She's trying to feel her emotions and let them flow through her so that she can let them go and move on to the next moment and the next experience, but this one, this moment in time, is a little hard to let go of. Her mind displays scary imaginations of Jane being shot and the guilt it conjures up within is almost unbearable. "Not if it's because of me."
She cannot bring herself to open her eyes, she feels selfish for it, but it's easier this way. She feels tears carving a path down her face and then she feels the gentle ministration of Jane's thumb as she wipes them away.
"It won't be because of you." Jane's voice is barely a hoarse whisper, "It will be for you."
Melissa's eyes snap open and she feels a burning intensity within her body as she declares, "I don't want that. I don't want your life to end because you're on some foolish quest. Can't we just disappear?"
"If it was just about us, I'd have already whisked you away. But it's not. Alexis is dead. Maura and Kelly may be next."
She knows it was selfish. The fact Jane's eyes remain soft and worried and haven't turned angry feels like a testament to the strength of their love. Especially given the potential threat to Maura's life. The fact Jane can see she wasn't trying to condemn anyone else to a crappy fate, but merely wanting to save them from one is comforting. "You're right, I'm sorry."
"Would you quit apologising for loving me already?" Jane sounds a cross between amused and exasperated. She's undoubtedly trying very hard to remain cognisant of today's events and the impact they've had. "I know you're just worried about me."
"Yeah, I am." It's the easiest thing in the world to admit and to talk about, Melissa realises, because she spent an hour last night listening to Jane sleep before hanging up. While Jane snored lightly in the background she put a lot of thought into the topic of children. The fact Jane brought it up meant that it is something important to her. Something really important. "Because I want our kids to know their mum."
Now is probably not the fairest time to drop the firm confirmation that it isn't just a possibility, but something she absolutely does want to pursue with Jane. Not with her concussion and all, as it certainly feels like it's taking a bit of time for her girlfriend to realise what she's just said.
Melissa waits another beat, beginning to doubt herself, only to be fully engulfed by Jane who's arms wrap tightly around her as she starts pressing kisses all over her face. Melissa feels a bit like she's being licked to death by an overly excited puppy, but it feels right. It feels good. "Okay, okay," she says, laughing lightly. "I love you too."
Jane latches on to her neck, clearly determined to leave a mark. Though all concerns about a hickey disappear when she feels Jane's hand slide underneath her shirt. "What are you doing?"
"Tryna make a baby," Jane says gleefully before going back to work on that hickey.
Melissa's laughter is light as she pries Jane away from her neck gently. "First, that ain't how it works."
"You never know," Jane says with a wink. "Could be fun finding out."
"Second, you're hurt and third, we're in the hospital!"
Jane's grin is cheesy when she counters, "And your point is?"
Melissa shakes her head, a chuckle escaping her lips. She can't even pretend to be mad. She feels the same desires Jane does. This is a big moment in their relationship, but this is most certainly not the time or place, no matter how much their libidos might say differently. She presses her lips briefly against Jane's before extricating herself from the lanky American's grip and returning to a safer distance.
Melissa sits back down in the chair beside the bed and looks over at her girlfriend to find her pouting in the totally adorable, but playful way she does. "There'll be plenty of time for that later."
She watches the smile fall from Jane's face as her thoughts are clearly a little deeper. After a few moments Jane levels her with a very serious look and asks, "Are you sure?"
Melissa is more than aware that Jane is checking about the wanting children aspect of their recent conversation, but decides that she wants to keep things light. She smiles slyly and says, "I am absolutely sure," she pauses for dramatic effect then adds, "that we should not be screwing in the hospital."
Jane's face looks absolutely crestfallen and so Melissa rushes to put her out of her misery. "As for the kid thing, I've never been more serious in my life about anything. I want to build a family with you, Jane."
Jane's grin is massive and it's apparent she's been acting sad when she waggles her eyebrows and says, "So to clarify, no hanky panky in the hospital?"
"You're a twit." Melissa says with a breathy laugh. "An absolute twit."
Jane's smile is soft and it reaches her eyes. "As long as you remember that I'm your twit."
It absolutely touches Melissa's heart, makes her feel warm and safe and loved. "As if there's ever any doubt."
Intrusive thoughts regarding the threat they're still living under try to derail Melissa's happy moment and in an attempt to get herself under control she decides to excuse herself. "I'm actually craving chocolate something shocking right now. Do you mind if I go and grab some?"
"Go for it. I'm exhausted."
Melissa stands and leans over Jane, kissing her forehead. "Get some rest, I'll be back soon."
She lingers for a few moments, watching as Jane settles back down into the bed and closes her eyes. Once she's sure Jane is comfortable she walks out and turns down the hall intending to hit up the vending machine she saw on her way in.
She doesn't get far though, as when she lifts her eyes she feels like her heart stops. She finds herself staring as Rachael unfolds her arms from across her chest and steps away from the wall she had been leaning against. Right outside the open door into Jane's room. She feels a rush of apprehension and panic threatening to overwhelm her, but somehow manages to stand there quietly.
"Sorry," Rachael says apprehensively. "I thought you were…"
Her voice trails out, but she need not finish the thought. Melissa knows precisely what she's trying to say. "It's alright," she retorts flippantly, "I thought you were dead."
It's meant to be a shield. It's meant to make it seem like she doesn't give a damn. Because she sure as Hell isn't ready for this encounter. There's not been near enough therapy to help her through this moment in time. Content with the way Rachael almost flinches at her tone, she ducks her head and slides past her worst nightmare, determined not to entertain any further conversation.
"So what? That's it? You're not going to say anything else?" Rachael asks as she follows close behind.
That's precisely her intention. She finds herself hoping that if she pretends it isn't happening, it won't. She keeps walking down the hall, turning into one of the main thoroughfares of the hospital. She approaches the vending machine and takes her time perusing, desperately hoping that Rachael will give up and leave.
"You can't even look at me?"
Rachael sounds hurt and a tiny slither of her feels bad about that. She doesn't understand it, but she most certainly refuses to bow down to it. She takes some coins from her pocket and puts them in the machine. She punches in the button selection for a Kit Kat and watches as the mechanism moves forward to release the chocolate bar.
Melissa kneels down to take the chocolate from the slot and when she stands and turns to return to the relative safety of Jane, she finds an arm barring her way. It causes all sorts of panic to fire off throughout her nervous system, but her fight or flight system is wonky. All she finds herself doing is freezing up.
She feels Rachael's presence as she erases practically all the space between them and closes her eyes when she feels her breath next to her ear. She's desperate to make this stop, to end it, to get the fuck away, but her body refuses to move. Tears trickle down her face.
"Baby girl, is this really how you're going to treat me? After everything I've given up for you?"
Rachael's whisper sends chills down Melissa's spine and she's about ready to give in and turn to face her when she hears the click clacking of heels coming down the hall. Apparently she isn't the only one as the arm barring her way is withdrawn quickly. Melissa takes a deep breath, her heart is threatening to pound out of her chest and she has to actively remind herself to breathe. Movement, even with a path to freedom presenting itself, is still a non-starter.
"Melissa, I forgot to give this to Jane." It's Maura and she's holding a toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste. Several questions come to mind, but they're all erased by the relief she feels. Never in her life has she been so thankful to hear the voice of her girlfriend's ex-fiancée.
It takes a monumental effort but she makes her body turn in the direction of her voice and lifts her eyes. She notices a slight hesitation in Maura's step. It's only momentary as Maura's eyes appear to quickly assess the situation, landing on the space beside her, which Melissa knows is where Rachael is standing. A part of her starts to panic, fearful that Maura will get the wrong idea.
Maura walks right up to them and the look in her eyes is cold as ice as she stares Rachael down. Melissa wants to turn and see how Rachael's faring under such a gaze, but she dare not do so. Maura's tone is sharp and deadly, "Leave, now!"
Melissa is flooded with yet more relief, Maura has clearly understood this is an unwelcome interaction. Melissa feels her throat close up as fresh tears well in her eyes. She turns and watches as Rachael hurriedly retreats, which is so surprising she finds her eyes gravitating back towards Maura. She's never seen such a piercing look, not even from Jane in her angriest moments and Maura's face may as well be carved from stone. It is that hard.
She finds herself leaning involuntarily a little closer to the American, who is exuding an aura of immeasurable strength. She suddenly understands why Gabby and Jane have bent over backwards for this woman. Maura has a whole other level about her that is so powerful even she finds herself slightly attracted at this moment in time. She pushes that thought away very quickly when Maura's eyes move back towards her.
She blinks through her tears, watching as Maura's entire face softens and finds herself briefly wondering why Maura would come to her aid the way she has, but quickly shakes it off, because the fact is she doesn't feel good at all. Her body feels like it wants to cave in on itself, so she breaks eye contact and looks around for somewhere, anywhere she can escape. She'd settle for collapsing to the floor in a janitorial closet at this point. She needs a modicum of privacy before she allows herself to fall to pieces.
"Are you alright?" Maura asks warmly as she starts herding her back down the hall with a guiding hand against the small of her back. Apparently her escape route is now being directed for her.
"I couldn't… I didn't… no." Melissa tries but fails to explain the depth of panic she felt. The panic that while subsiding, is still thrumming through her blood. They keep walking and pass the turn off to Jane's room. "Wait."
"If you want Jane to tear through this hospital like a tornado in an attempt to get her hands on Rachael, then by all means go back to her room right now. By all means let her see you in this state." Maura says firmly.
It's a very fair point, which leads to Melissa nodding once and accepting the guidance she's being given. They eventually end up in the courtyard garden. It's the strangest of moments, because Melissa doesn't know how to articulate a single thought she's having and it is requiring all of her willpower to stay present in the moment. She feels the need to let go, to disconnect, to bury the pain. She feels it and she fights it. She grips Maura's hand tightly and to the American's credit she simply squeezes back in reassurance and talks her through several breathing exercises.
It feels so surreal, but she listens and she breathes in and out deeply, and while doing so she starts to calm her thoughts. She doesn't know how she's supposed to tell Jane about what happened and that thought does cause her a little fresh panic, which apparently Maura picks up on, because she squeezes her hand again and redirects her attention back to her breathing.
"I have to tell her," Melissa says eventually. "I cannot expect total honesty from her and not give it in return."
Maura's smile is surprisingly understanding. "As long as you are calm about it she won't overreact." Melissa sends Maura an incredulous look and both women chuckle. "Okay," Maura corrects, "She will definitely over react, but she will listen to your direction if you're calm about it."
It's reassuring hearing that from Maura. Jane's passion for those she loves is one of her more attractive qualities, but it can be a double edged sword. A fact clearly displayed by Jane nearly losing her life due to her insatiable need to protect her from a madman. "She's already so close to tilting," Melissa says, still worrying.
"I know." Maura acknowledges. "They both are."
It takes a second but Melissa realises she's talking about Gabby. The slightly more feral version of Jane as far as emotional overreactions go. There's a reason she doesn't want Gabby to know the truth about when she was a teenager. She knows that in her current mental state there'd be no holding her back. "You can't tell her about this. None of this. Not about then and not now."
Maura's sadness is obvious when she nods her agreement. "I know.
Melissa really feels for Maura at this moment. Her love for Gabby has been so obvious to Melissa since the day of Alexis' funeral and here she is having to keep secrets from the woman she loves. "If she ever finds out…"
"She'll kill her."
"And if she finds out you've known all along, she will never forgive you."
"Oh I am very aware of that too."
They sit in silence, Melissa contemplating the crosses they bear for the women they love. She's thankful that her cross is to simply use every tool at her disposal to cope with her triggers and keep calm around Jane. There's zero part of her that would want the cross Maura carries. Absolutely zero.
A/N: Tried really hard to get this next chapter out as soon as possible, and I think I did pretty good, shaving about ten days off of last time. Anyways, thank you for reading, I appreciate you all. I know it's a long story, but it will keep being a very long story because it's a soap and I'm having so much fun with it. When it is time to move to rizzles, there will be significant time spent on rebuilding that relationship, it won't just be ooh two chapters wonderful... no, it will get a bit of work too. It will be just as angsty and real and dramatic, with moments of love and all that too as they find their way back together, but that's the future. I just wanted you to know there's real intent to deliver some real Rizzles content once I'm done with the other pairings. No instant fixes, just some real work for them!
Maura looks about ready to murder huh... she is not having any of Rachael's crap! But she's got a pretty heavy secret she's keeping too. You know I love to know your thoughts!